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176
176
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


I love the Narnia Chronicles!

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


It would be a really good idea to state exactly what the poll is about at the top of the actual poll. It isn't very organized to look back up at the title and try to figure out what you are talking about.

Polls are precision instruments. We can learn a lot or nothing from them, based on how well the wording conveys the questions and requested response.

Thanks for sharing with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*


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177
177
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


It felt natural, like I was predestined for me to have it. This is awkward and needs a little attention.
Ch. 2
Before for she even had a chance Awkward as well.
Master, please do not be angered Quotes needed at the beginning of this phrase.
as if they wanted out but couldn't find home. This is awkward, perhaps 'they wanted out, but couldn't find the way.'

Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


were I ran across this beautiful woman where
well lets just say kinda the Jessica Alba type let's
With a Sauvé look{/} suave
She struck fast, to fast. too
Ch.2
the very charismatic Hppocriticus
“No, no my lovely Jealousy, it is quit fine. quite
Further into the recess of the underworld, Hppocriticus
The room it self is a dark onyx itself
You can here the sounds hear
lost souls screaming in the back drop background
eight foot thrown worthy of any king throne

I stopped reviewing there (at the throne).
You have a lot of great imagination and vision for your story. It will be very helpful to go back through and carefully examine the all three chapters for inconsistencies.

I believe very creative people have problems with a lot errors when our imagination and the story's urge to be written goes faster than our little typing fingers can carry us! You will do wonderfully! Keep at it!

Thanks for sharing with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
178
178
Review of Short Stories  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


Your folder showed up for the fantasy genre, so I came over to see. You gotta get some curtains up in this place, maybe a throw rug or two, a little bit of decorating! Folders need to draw the reader in.

The wording is good and the name of the first story is intriguing. Off I go to read it!

Come visit at my place some time!

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


Hey! Make this cute and inviting!

*Flower1*
*Flower1* *Flower2* *Flower1*
*Flower1* *Flower2* *Flower3* *Flower2* *Flower1*
*Flower1* *Flower2* *Flower3* Hi! *Flower3* *Flower2* *Flower1*
*Flower1* *Flower2* *Flower3* *Flower2* *Flower1*
*Flower1* *Flower2* *Flower1*
*Flower1*


Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


aren't finished so bare with me. bear

Thanks for sharing this story with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
179
179
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


My name is Denise and I am a Reviewer for
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge Open in new Window. (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~ Author IconMail Icon


This piece is filled with the devastating emotions of helplessness and powerlessness. The speaker has bowed beneath the weight of the conqueror (I always think of being down on one knee), but not smashed. Where there is life, there is hope. Hang in there!

You are a good communicator. Injustice surrounds us and many of us have no idea what happens until we have been there, someone we love experiences it, or we read an exposition such as yours. Thank you.

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*

Was something wrong, I wondered This question needs more separation and pause... ideas...
Was something wrong? I wondered (Or) *Was something wrong?* I wondered

They talk a good game about reuniting families, but they don't tell you that they lie in court in order to make sure some children that should be returned aren't.

This is your strongest statement, the one at the end of the piece, because it gives your current position after all you have learned. I'd like to see you think it through and make it strong and filled with courage. I know it is hard to think of ending on hope, but perhaps you could end on something like it.

'Child Protective Services talks about reuniting families, but there are things left unsaid. Children are not returned to loving, caring parents. Would you help me to find a way to be allowed to raise my own children?'

I don't presume to put myself in your shoes or know your situation, but I know that writing things down and getting the word out to others is important. In a piece like this, you must be very careful to state facts as often as possible. Yes, it is an emotional plea, but governmental agencies are powerful and you must operate from a similar position of power to get anywhere at all!

Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


did what we were suppose to supposed

recieve letters and pictures of them. receive

will want to see Howard and I again. me

Thanks for sharing this story with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
180
180
Review of Dexter  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


My name is Denise and I am a Reviewer for
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge Open in new Window. (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~ Author IconMail Icon


This is a beautiful, heartfelt poem. It expresses love and joy and grace and bittersweet sorrow for not being able to always protect precious things from injury or sadness.

Most of the time, I urge people to put a little more punctuation or a little more separation into their poetry. Your choices are perfect for your subject matter. Your love and this situation go on forever

Thanks for sharing this lovely poem of strength with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*



181
181
Review of A call from life  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


I love poetry. One can convey such a huge amount of emotion and communicate so many thoughts and truths through it. You have done a good job of carrying the thoughts and feelings of the speaker all the way through this poem.

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


Now let me just wait,
wait for the dark clouds to break,
let me face this merciless hate;
unconscoiusness feels too great-
but alas! I kept lying awake.
There is a conflict of tenses here, probably easiest remedy is to say 'I lie awake.'

So- you ask me do I
wish to live or die
you know also I'll myself lie.
Suggestion:
'So you ask me do I
wish to live or die
you know even I will lie.'

Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


yea the things are getting harder, yeah
unconscoiusness feels too great- unconsciousness

Thanks for sharing this story with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
182
182
Review of Beautiful  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


I love this poem. It is a poem of revelation and of art; the beauty of Creation, the beauty of creativity.

I love the way the speaker becomes aware of the meaning of beauty.

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


My eyes then wander
down to the
grass so luscious in color
it looks artificial.

Sadly enough, this might be true. I felt sorrow when I read this, a sorrow that any things artificial would seem to have a more luscious color than nature.

Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


Nary a one.

Thanks for sharing this poem with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
183
183
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


You have a good imagination and are off to a good start with the characters. You have a hero and an antihero (or a set of them).

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


It would probably be beneficial to spend a little more time on the descriptions. I'd like to see a year of birth on A-Mor, for instance and perhaps a physical description on all three as well, since it seems they are all physical people in this story.

Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


A-Mor(so he'll {/} A-Mor (so he'll
in the ATL by life long friends is the ATL the Afterlife? lifelong
he finally becomes and Christian. a Christian
and eventually...Satan him self. himself
Age: Unkown Unknown
deceiver, lier, conartist liar
lying ways this charater character
right here on writng.com) writing.com
Her soul job and pupose Her sole job and purpose
is to run jealous thoughts throu the through
Creating wide spread widespread
panic anoung the among
she is able to convence convince
they need what other have. others
Working under Hyppocritcus, spelled Hyppocriticus above
her powers of deciete deceit
are only matched by Satans, and his. Satan's

Thanks for sharing this outline with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
184
184
Review of GUILT  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


I don't often rate things with fives, but this is awesome!

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


I think it's a good idea to explain the type of poem this is. You can borrow the explanation I put with mine, if you want, it's such an elegant little form.

Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


None!

Good luck in the contest! I just know it will be a great way of sharing this message.

Thanks for sharing this poem!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
185
185
Review of Recreation  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


Well, I opened this up after seeing the great photography (your own) I saw in other places on the site and I expected to see some cool shot. You need to decorate your front door, lady!

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


A little info about wordsearches or a link to the bitem about wordsearches would be cool. I'm sure most everyone knows what they are, they may not know how to make them on this list. I'm off to look at yours!

Thanks for sharing this folder with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
186
186
Review of Delsinia  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


Bravo! What a wonderful talent you have for writing for children. Thank you so much, I enjoyed it so much.

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


Hee Hee, no ideas for making it better. The only thing I did think of was you might want to spend some time looking over the commas. There seem to be an abundance of them.

Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


That darned--is difficult. I had someone who critiqued me mail me a long dash, so here is one for you! — there—it—is. Well, there they are! Trapped for your copy and paste pleasure.

Thanks for sharing this story with us!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
187
187
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


Oh, yes, I like it! I love dragon stories and this one is very cool! You have done a great job. It needs a little spiffing up, but the story and the content are strong and true. I could see your dragon. It did take me a while to know that the speaker was a boy... *Smile*

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*


But then something caught me. This would be stronger without 'But then'.

But I was not readying myself Again the word 'But' softens the impact of the content.

but you don’t have to have the same blood to be family.” The last sentence could be 'You don't have to have the same blood to be family.'

Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


made her drink strong smelling tea. strong-smelling

to fulfill my mothers last wish mother's

remember my fathers voice father's

Thanks for sharing this story with us! I want to read a lot more from you!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
188
188
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


Again, you do poignant well. I couldn't figure out what the relationship was between Dean and the different women in the group. I'd like to have that more clear, but the story is very good. You have a good inner eye for detail. Thanks for sharing this with us!

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*

Eve followed looking concerned. A comma would go nicely in the center of this sentence.

Eve had been given the all clear the week before. All Clear or all clear

‘Everything’s going to plan.’ Everything's going according to plan or everything's on schedule; on the other hand, it may be a dialect thing. *Smile*

He’ll be back shortly. Need ending quote marks.

just like the veil was made for that dress.’ for the dress.



Typos
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
189
189
Review of Responsibility  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


Very good creation of an entire scene in less than 200 words. You reached into the minds and hearts of moms and grammys everywhere when the child started wailing!

Keep it up!

I found no typos, but you might want to spell out 10 in the last line.

Take care and have fun.

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
190
190
Review of Introducing Edan  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Gift1* Hi! *Gift2*


You've done a very good job with this bittersweet, poignant story. Thanks for sharing it with all of us.

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*

*Idea*One more return, between the first and second paragraphs, for form's sake.

Determined not to cry in front of Edan, she took a deep breath, one hand brushing the tears away abruptly.
‘Right, it’s just a short drive.’ This probably just needs to be pulled into one paragraph (there is a gap between abruptly and Right on the site).

All too soon, they’d arrived. Here and a little further down, you don't need the 'd to show the past tense.

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
191
191
Review of Gatlet  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


You have a great imagination for building a scary story. Work on bringing variety to the writing itself and it will getting better and better!

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*
and *Exclaim*typos*Exclaim*!
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


The wind blowing form from
An owl hooted nearby, and in the distance a hawk screeched as its prey was spotted. Most hawks don't hunt at night.
and three-inch fanges fangs
Better to have tried then to let it come get her In the next to the last paragraph, the pronouns are all them and you (plural and personal). In the last paragraph, they change back to the third person perspective with a singular enemy.

A little careful editing and changing the sentence structures up a bit can help a lot.
*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
192
192
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


I like the idea of taking one of our beautiful patriotic songs and adding comments to it, but I felt it still ended up being a little roughshod. (Well, that's American, huh? *Smile*). It is a great thing to remember the ingredients that have formed our great nation. Perhaps it would help to have the name of the song and its writer, if not the whole song.

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*
and *Exclaim*typos*Exclaim*!
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


I found no typos! Yippee! You are pretty consistent about that, as far as I can tell. Setting a good example!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
193
193
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


What a wonderful name for this folder. I have a few things like this that may or may not be ready to come out of the incubator, but are fun to share (or would be, if only I was brave enough to do it)!

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*
and *Exclaim*typos*Exclaim*!
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


Well, ummmmmmmmmm... I didn't find any typos!
I'd like to see a pic or something to go with your cuter words and the great idea of an nursery for newborn ideas. *Smile*

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
194
194
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


I saw you in the campfire and just had to come and check out what you have written so far! Very cool. It's fun to imagine new and different settings, scenes and characters for Hogwarts! Are you going to write more?

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*
and *Exclaim*typos*Exclaim*!
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*

the next time I could bring myself into my new office. this is a little rough -- maybe just the next time I 'entered' or 'was in' my new office.

I have no regret in their absence. this is a bit vague (about the Slytherins). I do not regret their absence would be more clearly sticking to the subject. I imagine Minerva does have regrets, just perhaps not about losing these students, *Wink* since she does not seem to be willing to tolerate as many hard-to-deal-with things as Albus was.

I made my way to the Staff Lounge, where I found almost every professor we possessed (except for Hagrid). again, a little ragged. I don't think 'possessed' is quite the right word.

Albus nodded. “Well, no, I don’t think so. They’ve just been through quite an ordeal, Albus, I hardly think they are concerned with that at the moment.”
This entire string of conversation made me stop reading to figure it out and left me a little confused. Perhaps a little more separation of phrases with at least who said, this paragraph was especially rough.
so as not to be caught ease dropping. eavesdropping is one word in my dictionary! *Shock* I didn't know that!

“Good night Professors,” "Good night, Professors,"
such a late time of night,” need question mark

“I caught Mr. Potter and Ms. Granger in a secret room near the library,” she told me. I raised my eyebrow in question. “They were snogging the heck out of each other,” she said, “I just offered him more private quarters to do so. Albus wouldn’t mind, I don’t think. Anyway, we had to talk about what I promised him. Why do you ask?” I was under the impression that the head boy and girl already have private quarters. I have no idea where I got that.

I also have to tell me that most of the Potter’s are still in hiding. me*Smile* most of the Potters (apostrophe only applies if this was possessive ex:most of Harry Potter's clothing.

Fun read!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*


195
195
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


This is going to be such fun! I am happy that we have a full slate of characters to go forward with. You did an excellent job of putting it together and explaining what is going on.

You might like to add a link to the http://www.hp-lexicon.org for those who need to jog their memory about any details.

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*

196
196
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


I like this poem a lot. I can tell you live these things, they are so much a part of you, they seem to just flow onto the page.

*Idea* Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )*Idea*
and *Exclaim*typos*Exclaim*!
*Smile* I know, something for everyone! *Smile*


No typos ...
I like the way you separated the stanzas with a blank line. I find that I like periods at the end of thoughts in poetry, but I suppose it's a personal preference kind of thing. If you want to think about doing it sometime, I just write my poem as prose, insert the proper punctuation, then put it back in its form. Sometimes I revert to leaving it out, to give a different feel to a poem.
The different feel in this one is that there is no end to your relationship with God. I like that a lot!

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
197
197
Review of My Poetry  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


Impressive contents! It would be fun to have a little more introduction to the types of subject matter or emotions or whatever here at the beginning. Thanks for sharing all these bits of your heart with us.

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*


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198
198
Review of Observatory  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


Just stopping by the poetry corner! I love poetry. It is definitely a way to learn things about people. I am happy to be here. I like the little comment at the top, but I missed having a pic!

Take care! Again, great name!

Those darned typos!
*Smile*I know, something for everyone!*Smile*

Again, no typos!
*Reading* Write on! *Reading*

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199
199
Review of Sigh of Spring  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


My name is Denise and I am a Reviewer for
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge Open in new Window. (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~ Author IconMail Icon


This is a sweet poem of springtime refreshment to our spirits. I would like to see punctuation in the main body of the poem, to bring more rhythm to the structure. You have done a good job with the butterflies and the sounds and sights of spring burst from your words! Thanks for sharing this poem with us!

Ideas from me and those darned typos!
*Smile*I know, something for everyone!*Smile*

Inhaling her sweet pheromones
The soil becomes alive
As tender shoots and tiny buds
Within her hands revive
It is unclear what the word her refers to.

Standard ellipses are ... three dots with a space on each side. Two dots tends to look like an error. *Smile*

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
200
200
Review of Road of Darkness  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Balloon1* Hi! *Balloon6*


You have a vivid imagination! Keep at it, you have the ability to tell a good story. The challenge will be getting it across to the reader.

Please read over it carefully to clarify what you want to say. I pulled out potential corrections for a while, then just read the rest of it.


Ideas from me and those darned typos!
*Smile*I know, something for everyone!*Smile*

Stopping beside the pond he had collected water from the last ten years of his life, he stared at his reflection in digust. This is a little ragged, I couldn't really pick up what you were trying to say.
The hulking torso, unlike any mans. man's
more powerful than any animals. animal's
"A freak. For that is you're question is it not?" "A freak. That is your question, is it not?"
A pale, darkly clad women stood spooked Kael and he jumped up to face her. You may have left out a word or two.
women woman is the singular form

*Reading* Write on! *Reading*
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