and thought I'd offer my two cents worth. So here's my view on...
The Plot- I loved how the plot was so ordinary and relatable. It's ease of read really made the humor POP ! Granted I'm of the opposite gender , but it's nice to see this type of self-deprecation/ lack of confidence spans the sexes.
The Characters- Umm...you? And I guess the online date guy. But anyways, you did a fantastic job of conveying what goes on in your head which in turn fleshed out your character quite nicely. And you did a great job painting Ken as a rather hapless chap, topped off beautifully by his final line of the story.
The Imagery- Great imagery is everywhere !!!
i.e.- -random acts of weirdness that I like to call my life
-my thick, though prettily blonde-streaked, skull
-my eyes are shooting daggers that I hope in someway make him start convulsing
....just to name a few !
Errors?- Not entirely sure, but I think in the third sentence of the second paragraph, you mispelled "wherever"
Overall Impression- I thoroughly enjoyed this little story. From start to finish it clipped right along without any draggy parts and actually made me laugh out loud, which isn't particularly easy to do. Great Job !!!!
I rather enjoyed this little dialogue. I love the stammering, stumbling style of it all. Being written as such lends a great sense of reality to the piece. You've captured the whole paranoid and confused aspect of human nature very nicely. I was quite interested to find out what the whole issue was myself by the end of it. And then it turns into a rather sweet little moment between a couple.
Great job and much accomplished in 238 words, I couldn't even find any flaws. Fantastic !
FIrst let me give my sincerest apologies for being so long in reviewing your campfire. Things have been a bit hectic on my end, but I told myself that I would get them all reviewed. I was just hoping to have it done before the judging was finished, but what can ya do ? Better late than never ??
I saw the judging results with only one campfire left to read and lo and behold it was the one that got first place, and after reading it I can totally see why you Dolls won !
You manage to set a great mood for the story by the way you craft your words. I'm not sure how you did it, but I was there ! ( well,,, you know....as an observer )
The way the two of you worked together on this one was quite extraordinary, you kept me interested and enthralled all the way through it and but for the fact that it shows where a new entry begins, I wouldn't have been able to tell. Seamless is what I mean to say !
The main character is well developped, I could almost palpably feel her discomfort and anxiety over the whole ordeal, and in the character of Tom Hanks, you've created a totally repulsive human being who gets his just deserts ! ( I'll never watch Forrest Gump in the same way again)
I did find a few minor errors, almost not worth mentioning, but I dont feel I'm doing a proper review unless I point out some flaws.
sssam- your first entry has a line black clouds that where circling ...I believe it's spelled were
your third entry has this cautiously contortioned .... I think it's contorted
Di- your first entry has a mis-spelling of the word trekking
your second entry has a line She stood in the muddy road wave her arms frantically....It should maybe be waving
ANyways , thats the most glaring errors I found. Altogether it was a great ... nay....spectacular story that kept me riveted for the time it took to read. And I like how you found a way to take a hopeless situation and completely turn it around so that the protagonist winds up OK in the end. I could learn something from the both of you
So yup...great job and congrats on your win. You both deserve it !
Hi there, here is a review of your piece. Don't be offended by anything I have to say, the following is just my particular take on things .
All right then , all in all I rather enjoyed this poem, some of the lines such as Could life have been so short and fruitless?
For fear we’ve not been born
or...
Worry me a life less gentle
had a pretty profound effect on me for some reason . And since the purpose is to move the reader I guess it's mission accomplished.
And as far as spelling goes I found no errors, I'm rather clueless about punctuation, so I'll say great job on that also.
The only issue I had was the flow in the first verse seemed a little off compared to the rest of the poem, which is kind of a drag cuz that first verse really sets the mood... maybe if you substitute "in" instead of inside in the first line and omit "but" in the second line it may flow easier...just my opinion tho...a suggestion so to speak.
Dude, this is one heavy poem you've put together here.Where to begin ?
As far as subject goes, I love it ! ...maybe love is a strange word to use in this context, but as you say, it's so bloody honest. You don't mince words and approach your subject in a manner that is quite refreshing. (albeit a tad on the dark side).
The repetition throughout Sometimes I think.../Cause all I really want is very well suited to this type of poem. You mention being a musician, ever try putting this to music? Maybe not...what do I know ?
I really dig the way that you use the last few lines to wrap up every thing you've touched on previously, it really gives a sense of closure.
And hey if it's any consolation, I share most of the same thoughts, altho my main reason for wanting death is boredom, like, what else is there to do ? Another 40 plus years of this?!? Meh... I suppose it's all harmless ponderings, so long as I don't act on them..nor should you...share your gift !! ( Not to sound cheesy, but this poem,shows a lot of talent to be sure !) Keep it up !
Fact or fiction ??? I can't decide ! (And no you don't have to tell me).
What a great little tale you've concocted here, it's engaging and incredibly well written. I like the way you've written it in an almost conversational way, it brings a much more personal feel, in my opinion.
Some of the parts that have stood out especially for me are ;
- The paragraph detailing your first trip to your rainbow world... so much description , I can almost visualize it myself , even tho I've never been there per se.
-The paragraph about your grandmother's death... I don't like it in a cheerful way, but it certainly wrenched my guts and pulled some heart-strings...and thats what good writing is supposed to do, right? I followed the tunnel back to the land of green skies and purple trees, but it seemed as if the colors were no longer as bright. I was a child again in my flowing white gown, but the colors seemed more grey, as if the colors were bleeding out and puddling in a murky ocean....This bit really struck me...I dunno if it's an "innocence lost" kind of melancholy that it brings out...it's something at any rate !!
It seems to be quite devoid of any errors, however I noticed a few things ...ie;
I’ve decided for once and for all ...I think you could get away with deleting the first for
....also When I got back in the car, it traveled the rest of the way hanging on the rearview mirror.
...I believe travelled is spelled with 2 L's..
Sorry if I seem nit-picky, but I don't like giving spotless reviews..it makes me look too soft-hearted to be critical ( which I suppose aint a bad thing), plus that's honestly all I could find wrong..Great job!
Well at least I found an error in this one ( I think) , but I shall get to the good stuff first.
I sat here in a total trance while reading the first part of your Lunar series ( a series ,no less!). I'm generally not a huge sci-fi fan, but I think this one is so close to home it really grabs my attention. Kind of like that show Star Trek:Enterprise. I love the idea of an old fella telling his grandkids about his adventures during what is basically our present. And you've crafted this tale in a way that puts me right there during his present. I was actually nostalgic for certain things .... economic meltdown? I remember that !! Clunky old space station? Yeah it did used to look pretty rickety...wait a minute... what year is this again?
The beauty of this story is that it's oh so very plausible.
So anyways.....Essy didn't spin like the Wheel) and then there was the hour of rocket low-powered rocket thrust to build up escape velocity..... did you intend to write rocket twice? I can make neither heads nor tales of this sentence.
Yup, that's it...my grand critique. And I may be the one who's mistaken about the rocket thing.
ANyways, I'm really zazzed about reading the rest of this series, and I shall do it anon.
Thanks for the great read ,Sticky!
Well, Sticky, this is my first time reviewing you, and I'm pretty sure I've heard you mention you don't care much for reviews that don't offer up constructive criticism, but I'm really at a loss to find any real faults with it.
You've done a good job of fleshing out the main character , considering the length of the story. I like the whole fear/disdain dynamic between he and his mother. Not to mention the dialogue running in his head rings true, what with the slang and substandard grammar.
I believe your career as an editor has left you incapable of any unintentional spelling,grammar or punctuation errors. None that I could find anyways.
I guess the only problem I have is with the plot. It doesn't seem to really go anywhere.Unless your intention was to solely look into a school boys walk home and his ruminations of his mother. If thats the case, then spot on. I just don't understand what the homer has to do with anything. It's got me thinking anyways!
As for adjectives and descriptions ,you're a dynamo! (I'm extremely fond of adjectives and adverbs, and similies...let's not forget similies! )
a mixture of old uncooked fish and overcooked sauerkraut - I have never seen this combo before, fantastic way to describe funky trashcans.
Basically, this is one heck of a well written piece. If all of your stuff is like this I may have no choice but to gush....sorry.
Initial Impression- What a well written and emotion baring poem !
How's The Flow?- It flows along quite nicely , altho if I can make a few suggestions
Nothing ever is a mistakemay sound better if you put is before ever
I finally have seen the light, may sound better if you started the line with finally.
The Rhymes- (where applicable) The rhymes were all spot on. Some critics may mention rhyming me with me (3rd stanza)is a no-no, but I'm not one of those critics.
Effective Imagery- There wasn't a whole lot of imagery to be found. Except for the analogy of life being a winding road. But this is one of those poems that doesn't really require it.
I dimly see my own future,
Full of thoughts and distant dreams. <- Love this line !
Subject Matter My take on it is someone facing their own mortality beginning to understand spiritual matters. A great topic for poetry on account of its personal and individualistic nature.
In Conclusion- I'll have to say this is an above average poem by virtue of it's subject matter. It's an area a lot of folk tend to avoid, but you've thrown it out there for all to see. Good Stuff!
Initial Impression- A half decent attempt to describe the seedy underside of the urban jungle.
How's The Flow?- I found the flow in this one to be a touch choppy. I kept getting slipped up by the meter where one line would have a certain amount of syllables and the next one would have either too many or too few to allow for a smooth flow.
The Rhymes- (where applicable) The ryhmes were all well executed, with my only critique being that you went with an AABB type of thing and then in your last stanza, you switch over to an ABAB scheme.
Effective Imagery- You have managed to capture a suffocating and hopeless situation rampant in our cities, even though there seems to be a lack of overly descriptive words. But what can I say, I'm a sucker for adjectives and adverbs.
Subject Matter I get the impression of gangs riding around causing in a never ending cycle of violence and pain. Great inspiration for some great works.
In Conclusion- All in all, not a bad bit of work. It could use maybe a bit of sprucing up , or maybe not, just try to take my critique as constructive and apply it to future works. Or don't ,I'm just trying to help and you can do what you want. Including disregarding this entire review. Read ya later !
Great dialogue. I don't really know how to go about reviewing such a piece, since there isn't really much in the way of character development or plot. But I will say that your grammar and punctuation are both executed nicely.
Now as far as the dialogue goes, I found it to be an entertaining read . I like how you've taken a somewhat existential idea and fleshed it out into a conversation that invites the reader to think about the protagonists (and our own) existence.
And that last line is killer ! Great stuff.
Initial Impression- What a wonderfully written and well laid out poem !
How's The Flow?- The flow is good, although I did find I stumbled a bit in the odd stanzas but the even stanzas had a nice rhythym made all the better by their repetition. And speaking of repetition ,I like how you work the same word in different contexts on the same line. For example;
wishing a person would wish them back
or
darkness stays in darkness for a little while longer
The Rhymes- (where applicable) Not applicable in this case, which is fine.
Effective Imagery- I can somewhat visualize the images you lay out , although I did find there to be a certain lack of adjectives and adverbs, but that's just my opinion. Take all of this with a grain of salt.
Subject Matter Nature's eternal ballet as observed by someone who doesn't enjoy the typical. I love how you've been able to capture a feeling of isolation/conclusion and worked in a bit of nature (btw, I adore thunderstorms). So this one works in both a literal AND figurative sense.
In Conclusion- All in all, this poem was a good if somewhat melancholy read. It certainly projects an emotion that I can relate to. Good job !
Initial Impression- A well written and melancholy poem that is quite effective even though it's quite short.
How's The Flow?- It flows along quite nicely. You've remained within the confines of the meter and therefore I wasn't tripped up or confused once.
The Rhymes- (where applicable) No rhymes here, but it doesn't matter
Effective Imagery- Wonderful imagery. I can really get into poems about nature since I'm a bit of a nature nut myself. And you paint a picture in my mind whereby I can not only see the forest but can almost feel the heartache of the writer as well.
Of passion lived that does create
But died in dreams that never came.
This line in particular really caught my attention. I'm sure there's some kind of literary term for this type of wording, but I'll just have to call it awesome! It's one of those lines that I can roll around in my head and really think about for some reason.
Subject Matter Heartache and nature. Two subjects of which I'm quite familiar. You've blended them in a very effective way.
In Conclusion- Yup, all in all this is a fantastic piece of work. I can find no real faults in spelling ,grammar or punctuation, and it felt like an experience to read it ( I mean that in a nice way). Good Stuff!
Initial Impression- Wow, great job building on Miz Kittys creation.
How's The Flow?- Amazing. I don't want to seem like I'm gushing here, but the flow was phenomenal. I didn't get tripped up at all and it moved along in an almost musical way.
The Rhymes- (where applicable) Great rhymes also ! Even when you end the line with a word that doesn't seem to have a logical rhyme that fits, you wind up finding one. Does that make sense?
Effective Imagery- Again, I can find no fault. I can quite readily visualize the forest of which you write. It takes me back to childhood meanderings of my own. You make excellent use of nice hearty adjectives that enhance the vividness of the mental image.
Subject Matter A walk in the woods, swingin' and singin' with reckless abandon, and getting caught being yourself. What's not to like?
In Conclusion- I can find absolutely no fault in this poem. So much for my dreams of being a super viscious reporter. I guess thats what I get for picking an awardicon winning poem to review.
Fantastic job Hunter's Moon. thats all I can say :)
Wow. This is one heck of a roller coaster ride. You've captured the whole mental maelstrom that goes along with the anticipation of a first kiss, but took it on a completely different tangent (which I guess I should have seen coming from the title). But the fact that the protagonist is the one who hesitated ( due to that peky logic) makes this tale seem so much more real.
The wording is phenomenal, and the piece itself has an almost poetic flow. I am dazzled ! The only problem I see is...and I'm not entirely sure, but I think that you misspelled "peek" in the last sentence of the third paragraph.
Unless it was a sort of play on words, in which case , I apologize....
Great stuff, keep it coming!
Holy cow talk about ripping my heart out! My sincerest condolences on your dog.
The poem was well written and you can tell it's one of those raw emotional type of verses that came from the most primal place. The only thing that slips me up is that last line, the meter is kind of off.
Maybe something like: With two coins for the boatman, she won't roam in vain ??
Just my opinion and I don't want to take anything away from your tribute. Thanks a lot for sharing.
Scarecrow
This poem is one of those examples of a lot being said in such a short space. It makes me put my existence and value to others in perspective.
Oh hey! I'm no scholar or anything but shouldn't there be a comma after "feel" in the line My bones, I feel are near dust. ?
Maybe not, I've been accused of being comma crazy, but I'm always paired up with a high caliber writer, I'm getting desperate to polish my constructive criticism chops!
I liked this poem quite a bit,it mixes lots of detailed imagery with more straight forward and common experience that helps the reader(or this one at any rate) relate. The only problem I have is with the abstract meter which makes it a little hard to follow at times , but apart from that, well done :)
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