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3,802 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I balance my reviews by commenting both on what worked and suggestions for improvement. I evaluate material as honestly and objectively as possible, while still being positive and supportive. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., tough love, encouragement, alternative suggestions, etc.).
I'm good at...
Structure, pacing, characterization, plotting, dialogue, and considerations for the professional marketplace. I'm okay at technical editing but much better with broader creative considerations.
Favorite Genres
Action/Adventure, Mystery/Crime/Thriller, Science Fiction/Fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Nonsense/Experimental Prose
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novels, essays and other nonfiction writing on a variety of topics.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry. (I'm not as familiar with poetic forms as I am with prose.)
I will not review...
Insincere writing. I typically put a lot of thought and effort into my reviews, so I try to focus my efforts on authors who are serious about improving their work. Beyond that, no genre is too weird, no content rating is too high, no form or length is too daunting. I'm open to anything.
Public Reviews
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176
176
Review of Captive  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: GC | (4.0)
A review signature for Talent Pond members.


*Waterdrop* Official Judges' Review *Waterdrop*


Hi MidnightStalker -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Talent Pond for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CONCEPT/PREMISE

You did a great job of incorporating both erotic and fantasy elements into this story. It was an enjoyable take on the prompt and you definitely used both genres to full effect. *Thumbsup*


STORYLINE

The story was excellent. It was engaging and compelling throughout, and the twist at the end was a particularly clever way to bring the sorceress' plans to fruition. Really great job with this narrative. *Smile*


CHARACTERIZATION

All of the characters were well-developed. I did think that the handmaid was a bit too easy to convince and that aspect could have been developed a little more (especially to conceal her true identity), but the other characters were great. The sorceress herself and Randolph were both engaging and interesting.


DIALOGUE

Nice job on the dialogue; it moved the story along in all the right places and there weren't any instances of unnecessary or unrealistic dialogue that I could spot, except for the bit of a rough patch with Randolph trying to convince the handmaid and draw her close. I think that scene could be revised and strengthened a little, but otherwise the dialogue was quite good.


STRUCTURE

No structural problems here; the story moved along at a brisk pace and was entertaining to read. Well done! *Thumbsup*


TECHNICAL

I noticed a tendency to confuse "it's" (contraction for it is) with "its" (possessive form of it) at several places in the story:

         "[Its] body twisting back to its true form, it had what it wanted from him."

         "He awoke to find the creature still sleeping, [its] transformation complete."

         "Between [its] legs lay a thorny member, curved barbs lined its shaft."

         "...she grabbed the robe and turned without looking at the cell or [its] occupants."

Additionally, the word "span" was used several times throughout the story and, while it is technically a past-tense version of "spin," the usage is a bit archaic. Had other archaic verb forms been used to emphasize the fantasy elements, I think that would have worked well. But since it's the only verb form that has an archaic usage in a short story that otherwise uses modern verb forms for everything else, it stood out as unusual. I think the current past-tense version of the word ("spun") would be more appropriate here so that it's not a single example is standing out time and again.

OVERALL

Overall, I think you did an excellent job with this story. There were just a few small areas of improvement and - aside from those - I thought this was a great take on the prompt and it was executed well. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
177
177
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A review signature for Talent Pond members.


*Waterdrop* Official Judges' Review *Waterdrop*


Hi Geneva Fox -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Talent Pond for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CONCEPT/PREMISE

I liked your take on the prompt. The situation that brings the characters together is interesting and unique, and you did a great job of combining both the fantasy and erotic elements into a cohesive story. Nice work! *Thumbsup*


STORYLINE

The end of the story felt a little abrupt, almost like you ran out of time or room to finish it. Up until that point, it was a compelling, engaging narrative, and I love the way that you incorporated a whole subplot about the council sending him then deciding to pay her a visit. I think that added wonderful context and substance to their encounter and made their character choices all the more significant.


CHARACTERIZATION

Your characters were both excellent. Hitaru and Onyx were each complex characters that brought something unique and compelling to the relationship. It was clear to see their attraction, and they made a good couple once the intimacy increased.


DIALOGUE

I thought the dialogue was a little weak; both the initial and final conversations felt like they went on just a little too long; I think you could convey the same amount of substance with fewer back-and-forths. With fewer back-and-forths, I think the sparser dialogue will resonate more with readers.


STRUCTURE

Except for the abrupt ending mentioned above, I thought the structure was great. The pacing was good and the story moved along very well.


TECHNICAL

Just a couple of minor typos that I noticed:

         "Years of physical training had given him toned abs, [pecs], arms and legs.

         "Down a little further[,] she kissed and licked his collar bone [from] one side to the other."

There was a slight slip in tense from past to present here: "She moaned softly and explored his muscular back with her hands as he feathered kisses down to her belly button and [kissed] all around it."


OVERALL

Overall, I thought this was a very entertaining story. You did a great job of addressing the prompts and, while I did think there was room for improvement in the areas mentioned above, it was an enjoyable read and I think you're well on your way to having an excellent erotic story. Nice work! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
178
178
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
 
Hook Us!  [E]
Submit your query letter for a chance at our grand prize worth 1,000 dollars!
by Writing.Com Support

*Hook* Official Judges' Review *Hook*


Hi SwordntheStone22 -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Hook Us! official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

Nice work with the creative elements of this query. I thought you did a great job presenting enough information to entice your reader without going into unnecessary detail or stalling the letter with too much description. *Thumbsup*


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

I noticed a typo in the fourth paragraph: "Within Shouting Distance is a 78,000[-word] fantasy adventure..."

I like the personal info you included about your creative writing background; I also think it would be a good idea to include your goals or aspirations for the manuscript in addition to the already-included references to similar works.


OVERALL

Overall, this was a solid query letter that could use a tiny bit of polishing, but is otherwise very effective and compelling. Nice work! *Bigsmile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
179
179
Review of Query letter  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
 
Hook Us!  [E]
Submit your query letter for a chance at our grand prize worth 1,000 dollars!
by Writing.Com Support

*Hook* Official Judges' Review *Hook*


Hi Sam Queston -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Hook Us! official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

Your hook is excellent; it really captures the reader's attention and provides them with concise, intriguing details about the world you're creating. *Thumbsup*

I did find the mini-synopsis to be a bit lacking... more of an overview of the premise rather than any specific detail about the narrative of the story. I would have liked to have read a little more actual synopsis to know where the story is headed.


TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

I believe it's okay to round your word count in query letters; rather than saying 137,703, I've been told that rounding it to 138,000, for example, is acceptable and makes the figure seem a little less stringent.

I also didn't get the sense that there was much of a concluding paragraph; I would recommend including a final paragraph that gives a little information about yourself, your goals for the work, and thanks the reader for their time in considering your work.


OVERALL

Overall, I enjoyed the creative elements you included in the letter, but feel like - as a query - the letter itself falls a little short by not including any personal details or conclusion after the synopsis.


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
180
180
Review of Crossings  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
 
Hook Us!  [E]
Submit your query letter for a chance at our grand prize worth 1,000 dollars!
by Writing.Com Support

*Hook* Official Judges' Review *Hook*


Hi OutOfTheAshes -

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Hook Us! official contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.



CREATIVE ELEMENTS

I think you did a great job with your initial "hook" paragraph. You set up an ample amount of mystery and plenty of story so that the reader knows there's a full narrative that needs to unfold, and each facet of the story and characters you presented was intriguing and interesting.

I like the fact that you included information about yourself in the concluding paragraph; I think that's important in order to strike a personal note with the reader. *Thumbsup*

TECHNICAL ELEMENTS

Unfortunately, the second paragraph doesn't really expand into the "mini-synopsis" that was requested, however, as it's more of a few short sentences on the background and general premise of your material rather than a more in-depth exploration of the narrative.

Unless "Goddess" is the name of the character or a proper title, that word in your opening paragraph (the hook) should probably be lowercase.

Since you mentioned Noyes' poem as your inspiration, I would research and find out if the poem is in the public domain and make mention of that in the query letter. I would also remove references to the Loreena McKennitt song so that it doesn't create any concerns over whether you based your work on copyrighted material. Based on the date published, the poem is likely in public domain and the song is likely not... and when you're approaching a publisher about a potential project, the last thing you want to do is create concern over whether there are possible intellectual property rights that could be an issue!

OVERALL

Overall, I think the basis for a good query letter is here. I think the copyright issue needs to be addressed and there needs to be more of a mini-synopsis in the middle of the query, but the content is interesting and the letter is well-written. You're off to a good start. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these items:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
181
181
Review of Emerald  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Nathan Peterson -

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

First, I have to apologize for letting this review expire after I accepted it. The past several days have been really hectic, and I haven't had much time online. I figured the least I could do is actually send the review, albeit a little later than intended.

Overall, I think this was a compelling and engaging story. There were just a couple of points that I wanted to mention. First, I thought it felt a little strange that Emerald was so accepting of a stranger speaking to her in the alley. After just being beaten and raped by an attacker who tried to murder her, she's awfully accepting of another stranger spending time with her while she bleeds out. I think you need a little extra something to explain why she feels comfortable around him; perhaps the way he talks to her or reassures her is convincing... you just need a little something so that the audience understands her trust of another stranger moments after the previous one left her for dead.

Second, I feel like Emerald spends a little too much time going over the details of her past at length. I feel like shorter anecdotes that are pared down and really get to the heart of the emotion will sit better with readers and keep the pace of the story moving along at a faster clip, particularly in the opening third of the story where you really need to build momentum to get your reader engaged.

Third, why does Ron automatically assume the stranger is in his house is related to the prostitute? Ron strikes me as someone who is supremely confident in his own abilities and the impossibility of getting caught. Granted, the sudden appearance of someone in his house would be jarring, but the fact that he immediately jumps to the assumption that the guy is there to see him about the prostitute conflicts with his attitude of superiority and invincibility. I think this scene would play out better if Ron were just concerned with getting the guy out of the house, and his mysterious stranger were the one to suddenly start dropping details about Emerald and bring his world (and self-confidence) crashing down around him.

The last suggestion I have is to divide up the perspective changes with something visible to let us know that we're changing point of view. Reading the item straight through without a visible break makes the transition a little jarring; I would definitely recommend either some extra space or a line with a few dashes (-----) to break up the narrative into neat, easily to differentiate point of view segments.

Other than those few comments, I thought this was a compelling item with interesting characters and an interesting take on the devil mythology. Nice work! *Thumbsup*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
182
182
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
RAOK's logo image.  This is a shared image, so feel free to use its item number.


Hi CJ Reddick -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I'm amazed at all you accomplish with this group. To consistently put out daily prompts for nearly two years and manage all of the different activities and aspects of this group is truly impressive. I know you inherited the group, but I have no doubt that you'll continue to honor BCOF's tradition of high-quality blogging activities and recognition of those bloggers who truly stand out. *Smile*

The one suggestion I do have for the group is to consider the possibility of sending out fewer group emails. I realize this is more of a personal preference than anything, but I think the group would benefit from consolidating some of the emails into a "digest" type of approach where multiple pieces of information are available in the same email, and thus making each email more impactful. For example, you could combine the announcement of last week's blogger of the week, the ballot for the current blogger of the week, and the birthday proclamations for every member during that week into a single email, which would in effect cut the number of emails you have to send by two-thirds. Again, that might be a personal preference that others don't share, but I think fewer emails are always a good way to make sure the emails you do send each stand out on their own.

Regardless of the email suggestion, this is a fantastic group and I'm proud to call myself a member of BCOF! *Bigsmile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society
183
183
Review of The FBC  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Walking in the rain SAJ signature


Hi Cupadraig~The Remote Country -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

This was a fun story. You did a great job describing the action and keeping it interesting, and I really like the fact that the werewolves were more than they initially seemed. That was a great twist that sent the story spinning off in an interesting new direction. I was hoping for a little more resolution to the case by the end; earlier in the story it was mentioned that they're trying to apprehend a lycanthrope, but by the end they've killed one and another is at large (both much more imposing creatures than they thought they were chasing) and both Keela and Brady seem to take this all in stride as if it were another day on the job. It would seem like that kind of information should get more rise out of them, but at the end of the story they're back to focusing on Keela's coffee habit and they seem to be a little more upbeat and lighthearted than characters in their position would be, given the circumstances of the past several minutes.

Overall, though, this was a well-written and entertaining story. The action was fast-paced and entertaining, and you set up a fascinating new world with the FBC. Nice work! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
184
184
Review of Personal Power  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
SAJ Group Sig by A.E. Wilcox


Hi LifeLibertyandJusticeforAll -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I thought this was a great short poem that really brings up some interesting issues about the nature of personal power. It's an important concept that I think we could all use reminding of every now and then; that confidence and courage can change our lives and those are often attitudes that cannot be purchased or owned without an investment on our part. I thought the form of this poem worked well and it was structured nicely. All in all, it was a great read. Nice work! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
185
185
Review of The Seasons  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Raindance SAJ Sig


Hi Dandelion Man -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I like the fact that you included the form you used in the item introduction so it's clear to the reader that you are, in fact, following a specific structure rather than writing free verse. *Thumbsup* Overall, I like the fact that each verse dealt with a different season and captured a different emotion. I did think that the third verse for "autumn" and fourth for "winter" were the strongest lead-ins... the other two felt indirect since the seasons aren't the subject of those lines. "We met in spring" and "In summer we grew" both use "we" as the subject, while "Autumn" and "winter" are the subjects of their respective verses and I think makes for a more compelling characterization of the season to go with the sentiments that follow in each of their respective verses.

Other than that, though, I thought this was an excellent poem, and I think the senryu form across multiple verses was a good choice given the subject matter. Well done! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
186
186
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Raindance SAJ Sig


Hi Bruce. -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I loved this poem. Your rhyme scheme and structure were excellent, and you managed to tell a complete and convincing story with only a few artful words. I'm a big fan of storytelling poetry and I think the ballad format you chose was a great style in which to present this subject matter. I wish I had some suggestions for improvement to recommend, but I thought this piece was great as written. Excellent work! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
187
187
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Raindance SAJ Sig


Hi GeminiGem💎 -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I enjoyed this story. I thought it was well-written, and I thought you did a good job of concealing the true nature of the "kids" until the photo reveal at the very end. *Bigsmile* I also particularly liked the fact that the conversation between Susan and her coworker was natural and realistic. The coworker wasn't just a sounding board; she asked questions, made assumptions, and generally participated in the conversation making it feel more active.

All in all, I thought this was entertaining and fun to read. Nice work! *Thumbsup*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
188
188
Review of Strange  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Raindance SAJ Sig


Hi Gabriel Wolfbane Phoenix -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Showering Acts of Joy Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

Overall, I really like the concept of the story. You set up an interesting world and backstory to play around with and I love the thought that went into creating it. The story did feel a little rough, however, with quite a few technical errors and some larger creative issues you might want to consider. For example:

At the very beginning of the story, it was a bit confusing to have Merida and Donovan referred to (and interact with one another) as "the figure" and "the stranger" since both are rather nondescript terms. I would recommend trying to come up with a detail you can include with the descriptor... for instance, "the female figure" or "the grumpy stranger" or "the blonde-haired one" so that the reader can denote a specific physical difference between the two of them. Without any additional information, it can be difficult to remember which one is the "figure" and which one is the "stranger" while we're waiting for their true identities to be revealed.

I also found the story to be a bit anachronistic. Donovan pays with gold, rides a horse and sometimes uses a sword, but he also has a rifle and makes reference to radiation being the cause of the Dark Riders. While fantasy (including post-apocalyptic) worlds can have any dynamic that you want, I think it's helpful to explain any unusual choices to your audience. In this case, since there's clearly modern technology (guns), why does he ride a horse and arm himself with swords? If this is part of the fact that he himself is ancient and old-fashioned, that detail should be included. Otherwise, the reader needs to understand the dynamics of the world you're creating... why are swords and horses preferable to cars and guns in a melee?

There's also a little confusion about who's in charge. Merida and Donovan alternately take charge of the narrative, leaving it feeling like they're both experts and amateurs at their jobs. I would recommend picking a particular relationship dynamic (either they're equals, one is the 'leader,' or the other one is) and sticking with it so the reader can get a clear sense of which character serves which purpose.

I think you're off to a great start with this item, but it definitely feels like an early draft that could use some work developing the finer points of the story. I think you should stick with it; it was an intriguing story that made me want to keep reading! *Thumbsup*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
189
189
Review of Never Tell a Lie  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1894588 Unavailable **


Hi Weirdone-Back in the games -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

This was a very entertaining item, and a great take on the "seeing the future" premise. I love the fact that Linus saw the future and condemned his cousin for the greater good, thereby learning the same lesson that his father hinted at when he was younger, that the truth isn't always what people need to hear. I thought Linus was a well-developed character and his actions were understandable as both tragic and sympathetic.

I did think that the scene at the lake felt a little off, because Linus and Aline had a lengthy conversation during which Robert was completely ignored. I think you need to establish Linus' confidence that his presence alone is enough to save his brother because, as is, I read through that scene thinking, "Why is he not paying more attention to his brother? That's why he came along in the first place!" If you can establish that he's got the magic necessary to save his brother from drowning, I think it will make his actions at the lake (focusing on Aline while ignoring Robert) more understandable. I also think it would be great to have Linus check on Robert repeatedly during the conversation, maybe even to the point where Aline specifically calls him out on it or asks why he's not paying attention... that would be a great way to hint at Linus' knowledge of the future and that this is the day that his brother could potentially die.

Other than that, I thought this was an enjoyable, entertaining story that does a great job with both character and the handling of a knowledge of the future.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
190
190
Review of The Notice  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1729356 Unavailable **


Hi 💙 Carly - Pumpkin Spiced -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I love the idea of a community where parents are required to send their kids to an off-planet boarding school. I think that's really clever and a great way into a story. *Thumbsup* For me, this has the best elements of science fiction which are real-world situations (boarding schools, senseless government policies, the struggle to provide a better life for one's children, etc.) explained and presented in a science fiction setting. You did a great job fitting all of that into such a comparatively few number of words; it's not easy to tell a sci-fi story this good in such a limited about of space! I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I think it's great just like it is. *Bigsmile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
191
191
Review of Failed Magic  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1729356 Unavailable **


Hi DyrHearte writes -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

This was a fun, entertaining flash fiction story. I thought the characters were well-developed and the narrative was compelling, even for a story of so few words. It's not easy to tell a complete story in such a short span of time, but I thought you really did an excellent job with this piece. I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I thought it was great as is. *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Unconditional  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


Hi Dance-Monkey ~ We've got this -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

I thought this was a really touching, affirming piece about the power of true, unconditional love. Life has a way of throwing trying and difficult times at us, whether the loss of a loved one, substance abuse, depression, or a whole variety of other issues... and it's incredibly touching when people are able to sort through them together and not give up on one another.

The one part of the story that gave me pause was the line, "After a while, the friends stopped calling, the journalists got bored, even Jennifer's family seemed to accept she was gone." I'm a little uncertain how the journalists factor into the story. Was Jennifer's story the subject of media scrutiny at some point? I don't recall that referenced earlier in the story, so it was a little confusing which "journalists" got bored.

Other than that, though, it was a very well-written and touching story. Nice work! *Smile*

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!


Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group
"The Dark Society


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
193
193
Review of The Last Egg  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good day to you, GaelicQueen !

The "Red Wedding updating is upon us and House Lannister (the best House) is honored to have the privilege of reviewing your item! Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions based on one person's reading of your work:



I thought you did a good job with this story. For less than three hundred words, there was a lot of action and you did a great job of building the tension as your characters tried to make their daring escape. I like the twist at the end, and the fact that it was a story that didn't offer just a convenient happily ever after, but I found myself wanting a little more setup to the fact that the egg would be hatching. I know that's a tough order to fill in an item with so few words, but I think a little foreshadowing is important for a twist like that, so that the reader more fully appreciates the surprise when it happens. Additionally, although the dragonlet returning to its parent was the point at which the characters knew they had failed, I think it's important to also at least imply what the cost of failure is to these characters so the reader understands the stakes of their quest.

Other than that, I thought this was an engaging, entertaining story. I can definitely see this as a dynamic scene in a longer work. I didn't see any technical errors and had a great time reading it. Nice work!


Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your most excellent wordsmithy!

Fare thee well!


-- Jeff


** Image ID #1920846 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good day to you, HuntersMoon !

The "Red Wedding updating is upon us and House Lannister (the best House) is honored to have the privilege of reviewing your item! Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions based on one person's reading of your work:



*Laugh* This was a very entertaining story for the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge. I think it was a great take on the prompt and you used humor effectively throughout the piece. I can't help but think that perhaps your protagonist just made the wrong kind of hat our of tinfoil. If he had gone with a bowler, or perhaps a more fashionable fedora, his brainwaves would have been safer! *Wink*

I appreciated the fact that both the Dust Bunny and the Sock Monster made an appearance... perhaps this will ultimately be a cautionary tale to readers on the value of keeping their homes clean... or at least treating the filthy creatures under their sofas and beds with a little more respect! *Laugh*

Honestly, I couldn't find any suggestions for improvement in this story. It was funny, original, and a wonderfully bizarre (in the best kind of way) take on a prompt that most people would probably take in a fairly standard direction. I think you did a great job with this entry (as you do with so many of them). *Thumbsup*


Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your most excellent wordsmithy!

Fare thee well!


-- Jeff


** Image ID #1920846 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of I Need Coffee  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Good day to you, River !

The "Red Wedding updating is upon us and House Lannister (the best House) is honored to have the privilege of reviewing your item! Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions based on one person's reading of your work:



Being married to a fellow non-morning person who needs coffee, I can attest to the accuracy of the emotions in this story! *Laugh* I appreciated the fact that you set clear expectations of your reader that the protagonist is not in a pleasant mood when awakened before nine, and then by establishing the time of waking, the reader is absolutely clear on the narrator's point of view and frame of mind throughout the story.

I would suggest perhaps explaining why she wasn't able to get coffee before the appointment; I think many people tend to make coffee when they first wake up, set an automatic coffee maker, stop on the way to a destination, etc. It would be helpful to understand why she voluntarily went to the hospital for her errand before she bought the coffee... perhaps she's running late, or in the case of a blood sample, it's often the case where you're instructed not to eat or drink anything other than water during the 12 hours prior to the appointment... with the providing of a simple detail like that, it would explain why the character didn't get the coffee she so desperately needed before the appointment.

I also think it would be great to describe the satisfaction she feels once she has the coffee (and the maple glazed doughnut) at the end of the story, but other than that I thought it was an effective and entertaining story. *Smile*


Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your most excellent wordsmithy!

Fare thee well!


-- Jeff


** Image ID #1920846 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
196
196
Review by Jeff
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Good day to you, Corvo Starke !

The "Red Wedding updating is upon us and House Lannister (the best House) is honored to have the privilege of reviewing your item! Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions based on one person's reading of your work:



You bring up an interesting perspective on the whole idea of Heaven and Hell, God and the Devil. It's always interesting to consider an argument from the opposite side of the fence, and with Christianity (and indeed a the Judeo-Christian movement as a whole) such a dominant viewpoint in the world today, I think it's pretty safe to say that the "Satan was the good guy" perspective is not as popular! *Laugh*

What I always have a difficult time with in these kind of philosophical arguments is the presumption that we understand divine motivation. It's hard enough to understand the motivations of other people, let alone deities! I think the arguments that God created us to be slaves or that Satan was merely setting us free could be countered by the argument that God wanted to keep us from experiencing sin and/or that Satan is less interested in setting us free than keeping us our of Heaven and in our own personal hell.

Regardless (and I know these arguments can often go in circles upon circles), I think it's great that you're presenting an alternate viewpoint, acting as a devil's advocate (literally) and suggesting that not everything is necessarily as it seems upon first glance. In order for true spirituality to be effective, I think it first requires some serious introspection and analysis... and that can't happen without considering alternative viewpoints. *Smile*


Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your most excellent wordsmithy!

Fare thee well!


-- Jeff


** Image ID #1920846 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
197
197
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good day to you, mrsrevjohnson !

The "Red Wedding updating is upon us and House Lannister (the best House) is honored to have the privilege of reviewing your item! Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions based on one person's reading of your work:



My wife is a special education teacher, so I definitely understand the struggles with No Child Left Behind and the challenge of educating kids in general! I think you did a great job of establishing the expectations of the law and how schools are currently trying to meet those objectives, but I was a little confused about whether you're merely trying to establish the facts about NCLB and then ask for readers' opinions, or if you're trying to promote a specific course of action or solution to the problem.

On the one hand, the first part of the article seems to be informative, but toward the end of the article you clearly define a point of view, mentioning that the existing system simply doesn't work. I think this article would be a little more effective if you either completely removed any subjective opinions, or more fully integrated them into and throughout the article. Additionally, in addition to asking a 'yes or no' question at the end (i.e., "Do you think this law sounds fair?"), I think it would be great to prompt the reader to actively participate as well, perhaps by encouraging them to offer suggestions for improvement if they don't think the law is fair.

Overall, I think this was a solid article and certainly a topic more people should be talking about!


Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your most excellent wordsmithy!

Fare thee well!


-- Jeff


** Image ID #1920846 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
198
198
Review by Jeff
Rated: XGC | (4.5)
Good day to you, Hatsuda !

The "Red Wedding updating is upon us and House Lannister (the best House) is honored to have the privilege of reviewing your item! Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions based on one person's reading of your work:



So now that I've had a chance to send you a review for each of your chapters individually, here are some thoughts I have about the item as a whole:

CONCEPT/PREMISE: I really like the workplace wager that gets this story going; it's familiar territory (a bet as a premise for getting an unwilling character to concede something), but it works. I especially like the fact that the terms of the bet were woven throughout the story and it wasn't just a pretense that was immediately dropped once you got into the story.

STORYLINE: The story was compelling and interesting all the way through. I thought there were a couple of points along the way that could have been finessed a little bit... they seemed to go visit Hattie at odd moments and the barbecue with the coworkers was a bit of an odd step back after such a compelling dynamic between Scott and Cathy... but as a whole, it was a really intriguing narrative that kept my interest from beginning to end.

CHARACTERIZATION: Easily the strongest and most engaging part of the story for me. Cathy is a complicated woman with a lot of baggage from her past, and that comes into play consistently throughout the story. Similarly, Scott's actions cause some inner turmoil for him, and the contrast between these two characters and their needs is elegant and effective.

DIALOGUE: The dialogue was effective and kept the story moving along. *Thumbsup*

STRUCTURE: The pacing and structure of this novella was excellent. Each individual chapter was exciting and interesting, and the overall direction of the story was the same. Everything built to a satisfying conclusion.

OVERALL: Honestly, this was one of the best erotic stories I've read in a long time. It was compelling, emotional, and kept me reading. The best compliment I can give you is that I only intended to read and review the first chapter and ended up binging on the whole story! *Laugh* Fantastic job!



Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your most excellent wordsmithy!

Fare thee well!


-- Jeff


** Image ID #1920846 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
199
199
Review by Jeff
Rated: XGC | (4.5)
Good day to you, Hatsuda !

The "Red Wedding updating is upon us and House Lannister (the best House) is honored to have the privilege of reviewing your item! Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions based on one person's reading of your work:



This was a great conclusion to a very satisfying erotic story. Here I thought I was going to quickly browse through some of your work and I ended up spending almost all day reading and reviewing it! *Laugh*

Seriously, this is really, really great erotic writing. It's emotional and compelling and satisfying, and clear that the eroticism in the story isn't just for titillation but as a way of telling a deeper story about the connection these two characters share.

I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but after reading each of these chapters, I think this is an excellent story just the way it is. I've included minor comments here and there over the course of the last several reviews, but the bottom line is that this story works, and it was a really enjoyable read. There was clearly a lot of thought and work that went into crafting it, and it really shows!

I'm going to wrap up this whole thing with an overall review of the novella as a whole now that I've read every word, and I really appreciate that you've created such a compelling story and characters! *Smile*


Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your most excellent wordsmithy!

Fare thee well!


-- Jeff


** Image ID #1920846 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
200
200
Review by Jeff
Rated: XGC | (4.5)
Good day to you, Hatsuda !

The "Red Wedding updating is upon us and House Lannister (the best House) is honored to have the privilege of reviewing your item! Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions based on one person's reading of your work:



I thought this was a great way to draw the their week-long deal to a close. The emotions are clearly heightened and there's a lot for each character to struggle with, and everything has been handled in with a deft hand. I did see the twist at the end where Hattie knows so much about the lifestyle because she and the Captain are participants, but I thought that detail was contrasted nicely with the detail of the gift and its significance. It was great to see two characters growing together and, despite hitting speed bumps along the way, becoming more vibrant people together than they would have on their own. They've been fascinating character arcs to watch and it's been a fun process seeing them grow together.

I also think you've done a remarkable job with the erotic content throughout the story. At no point did it seem like the story either needed more or had a gratuitous amount. This is exactly what erotica should be; judicious use of sensuality and eroticism to elicit a response to what the characters are experiencing in the story. Well done!


Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your most excellent wordsmithy!

Fare thee well!


-- Jeff


** Image ID #1920846 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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