Hello mary
Congratulations on your Writing.com account anniversary this month! I'm sending this review in honor of the occasion.
Premise.
To be honest, I'm not quite sure what the premise of this piece is. There are a lot of elements mentioned (racism, entertainment news, social media, underage pregnancy, rape, slavery, etc. While the last sentence of the piece (asking the reader what they're going to do about it) is somewhat clarifying, I would suggest structuring the piece so that the direction is a little clearer early on. For example, you might consider making that point at the end of the item early on as well, at least generally, so that the reader understands the specific examples you provide throughout are pieces of a larger whole, rather than the author jumping from topic to topic.
Technical.
There are a handful of statements in the work that don't really follow. In the first paragraph, for example, you stand that one cannot "sit there today, wherever you are and tell me you have never heard a racist comment." Is that something people have been telling you? Similarly, you state that one "cannot sit there today and tell me you have tried to stop it." From the opposite end of things, how can you be sure that the reader hasn't done something productive to combat racism? Both statements are pretty broad assertions that I'm not sure are validated by what's said in the rest of the piece.
I also noticed a handful of technical errors. In the second paragraph, it should be, "Let's take technology for example" rather than "lets." In the third paragraph, "i pad" should be "iPad."
Overall.
Overall, I'm intrigued by many of the parts of your item, but feel like it's lacking cohesive elements that will tie everything together. If your thesis is "What have you done or are you, the reader, going to do about these awful things happening in our world, I'd encourage you to also state that goal at the outset and build toward it throughout the piece.
I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!
Respectfully,
Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk |