*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jeff/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11
Review Requests: OFF
4,124 Public Reviews Given
4,253 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.
I'm good at...
Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.
Favorite Genres
I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 7 8 9 10 -11- 12 13 14 15 16 ... Next
251
251
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
ruwth,

Thank you so much for pointing me to this item. It's awesome! I think I attempted at one point to have at least one of every item type in my port as well, although I never really thought to try and put them all together into an item, let alone one that's presented in the form of a freestyle poem! I am a little in awe. *Shock*

This was really fantastic and I've bookmarked the item to check out your wide variety of items in the near future.

Well done!

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
252
252
Review of I Write In 2018  
for entry "Diner of Despair" 
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi 💙 Carly -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I thought you did a great job with the prompt. By including an actual storm and having it be an integral part of the story, it really felt like you took the prompt serious and didn't just include it as a throwaway line. I always appreciate it when a writer takes a prompt and really runs with it. *Thumbsup*

I found the relationship between Emma and Charlie to be a bit confusing. As fellow travelers, the assumption is that they're somehow important to one another, and yet the way the story ended with Emma just watching the diner disintegrate and take Charlie with it, there didn't seem to be a lot of emotion behind it. It was almost like she was watching an objective event unfold in front of her rather than being traumatized at her significant other (or close companion) literally torn away from her. I know 300 words isn't a lot of space to work with, but I would have loved to have seen a little less back-and-forth in the diner in favor of a little more emotional resonance at the very end of the story.

Other than that, though, I thought this was a fun story and a great take on the prompt. Nice job! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
253
253
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tinker -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I enjoyed this poem. I thought it flowed nicely and was well structured. I sometimes have a hard time with free verse because there's no meter or construction for me to evaluate it against, but even without the specific rules of a particular form, you managed to make this poem feel well paced and expertly laid out. Your imagery was also great; it was a joy to read.

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
254
254
Review of Kitten Sitter  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I thought this was a really cute flash fiction story. I'm a sucker for an animal story, and this one was full of charming characters and a clever ending that perfectly pulled things together. I really appreciate the fact that your entry has a complete beginning, middle, and end; that is NOT easy to do in less than 300 words. Great job and good luck in the contest! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
255
255
Review of In His Element  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Genipher -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I actually entered the same contest this week, so I was very excited to see that I'd get a chance to take a look at my competition! *Bigsmile* I absolutely love limericks and think you did a fantastic job with this one. You really captured the fun and entertainment value of a limerick with your choice of language; I laughed out loud at "fat bearded guy" as your rhyme for "sky." *Laugh* Overall, I don't really have any other feedback than to say I really, thoroughly enjoyed your poem and wish you the best of luck in the Christmas in July contest! *Delight*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
256
256
Review of The Swift  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi CeruleanSon -

This item was brought to my attention by Thundersbeard 30DBC JULY HOST through "Invalid Item" , and as a fellow featured author, I thought I'd stop by for a quick review. Overall, I thought this was a delightful story. Your detail and description was excellent, your characters were fascinating, and the dialogue really helped the pace move along quickly. Steampunk is still a relatively new genre for me, but this was on par with the best of the stories I've read in the genre. Well done!

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
257
257
Review of I Write In 2018  
for entry "My New Home" 
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi 💙 Carly -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

Looks like we chose the same contest to enter this week! I always enjoy seeing that because it gives me a chance to look at someone else's take on the exact same prompt I've been mulling over! *Bigsmile* I thought you did a great job with this story and gave both the house and your protagonist a level of detail and description that made it feel incredibly authentic. I love the fact that the house feels like both a representation of your protagonist as well as a reflection of her.

I don't often give 5-star reviews, but this is an exceptional piece of flash fiction. Well done!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
258
258
Review of Open Mic Night  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 💙 Carly -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I thought you did a great job with the prompt in this story. You really captured the uncertainty and emotions of being in a situation where one has to perform on stage in front of a crowd. I could vividly see the scene thanks to your excellent description and use of detail.

There were just a couple of small places where some typos need to be ironed out. In the second paragraph, it should be "cold sweats" (not "cold sweets"), and in the third paragraph, it should be "bits of advice" (not "bits of advise"). Other than that, I think you did an excellent job writing a compelling story based on an interesting prompt.

Well done!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
259
259
for entry "Desperation" 
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tinker -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I briefly considered this challenge for myself with I Write this week, but when I saw all the rules and CJ's own twist on them, I quickly decided that it was way too complicated and I chickened out. *Laugh* I was very excited to see someone attempt this though! And while I'm not sure I even understand the rules of the modified poetic form enough to speak authoritatively about how well this particular piece followed that form, I can say that I really enjoyed reading this piece, subjectively speaking.

I'm very impressed that you were able to adhere to such a rigorous set of structural criteria, while still managing to create a compelling and entertaining poem. Your writing was clear and concise (of course, with a 30-second poem, it kind of has to be! *Bigsmile*) and evocative. Excellent job!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
260
260
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Dragon is hiding -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I thought this was an excellent poem. You did a great job with the structure and the imagery; it was easy to envision your narrator's emotional state and how they feel about the object of their affection. With only 14 lines, that's a really impressive feat!

The one area of the poem that gave me a bit of pause was the first stanza where it mentions "The days became weeks / and turned into a month." For me, a month feels like a relatively limited amount of time that somewhat discounts the intensity of the feelings. My suggestion would be to make it months plural rather than a month (singular) to better exemplify the impact of the relationship by showing that it's an enduring emotion over a longer period of time.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem. Nice job! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
261
261
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 💙 Carly -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I really enjoyed your poem for this month's Dark Dreamscapes contest. I thought the imagery was excellent and and pacing was very strong. The only thing I noticed was that the second stanza starts with the lines "Above them, Chadron / Sweeps his mighty oar" and I think the ferryman from Greek mythology's name is Charon (or Kharon)? Wasn't sure if that was an intentional name change or not, but I assume it's the same character since there's also a reference to the River Styx.

Other than that, I thought you did an excellent job with this poem and really enjoyed it. Nice job! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
262
262
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi ruwth -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I have to admit that, even after reading this item and the instructions for the Taboo Words Contest at least half a dozen times each, I'm still a little uncertain as to whether this is a note to yourself to write a future entry, or this is the entry itself. Don't get me wrong; if it's the latter I can appreciate an unorthodox approach to a contest and enjoy it when people think outside the box for their entries. But three things gave me pause and caused me to second guess whether they're what you're actually doing, or if this was merely a placeholder for a future entry:

1. The reference to I Write threw me off. This piece isn't just self-referential to the Taboo Words Contest, it's also self-referential to the I Write activity, which really makes it feel more like a journal entry or a recap of an item on your to-do list than an actual entry.

2. The prompt for the Taboo Words Contest is to write a poem or a short story. That this is written in first person (and is describing the activity you're trying to complete) makes it feel more like a blog or a journal entry rather than a short story. If you had told the story in third person or added a little narrative detail to give us a sense that this is indeed a short story narrative rather than a nonfiction personal accounting, I think that would help.

3. The most problematic part for me is the characterization of the entry as being something that still needs to be done. "I need to enter a contest right away," "What contest will I enter this week?," "I will enter the Taboo Words Contest." Since these are all present tense, it makes it seem even more like a blog entry or a to-do list rather than a short story. I would recommend changing it to past tense so that it's a little clearer this is the entry itself.

If the goal is to clarify at the end that your "very unique take on the prompt" is writing about writing an entry for the contest, I would try to make the last paragraph a little clearer that it was your intent to do so. You might mention something about how you didn't use any of the taboo words in the piece that they just read, or even in the details below with the word count and prompt information, explicitly state that it's intended to be a meta story.

Overall, I liked your take on the prompt (assuming the intention was to write a self-referential story and that this isn't a placeholder for a real entry to that contest you'll write later!), but I think it could use a little clarification so that there isn't a single doubt in anyone's mind that this item is both about the entry and is the entry itself.

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
263
263
Review of A New World  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Angel -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

Before I get into the details, let me just say that I'm a huge fan of extremely short form fiction. Whether you call it blink fiction, flash fiction, micro fiction, or whatever else, compelling people with a narrative of only a handful of words is a very difficult thing to do and I'm always impressed by authors who attempt it, let alone succeed with it!

I really enjoyed your item. I think it's interesting and leaves the reader intrigued to know more without leaving them completely hanging. So, overall, the piece nicely accomplishes its intent.

Where I think there's some area of improvement is in the specific diction and syntax choices. With so little space to work with, every word counts. Short pieces like this become very similar to poetry in the sense that the brevity of the piece puts a lot of emphasis and focus on every single word that's used. Some suggestions you may want to consider:

1. The opening sentence is a bit of a run-on. I'd recommend breaking it up to add a little more punch it up and not start with a grammatical error. Something like "Jan awoke slowly, the dream still there. A city of towers and exotic palaces. Getting out of bed, ..." would punch it up a little and start the piece on the right foot.

2. Removing unnecessary words can give you the space to fit even more narrative into these short pieces. Unless it's integral to telling us something about the character or provides important information about the scene being played out, adjectives like "gradually" can often be cut. "Getting out of bed, she began her normal routine" gets the same point across with one less word, which is one more word that can be applied elsewhere! Similarly, the actual definition of deja vu is "a feeling of having already experienced the present situation" so "the deja vu feeling haunting her" is a bit redundant when "the deja vu haunting her" communicates the same thing without the repetition.

3. I'd recommend varying some of the language choices that show up in short succession. When "unable to shake the strange visions" is immediately followed by another sentence that uses the phrase "an attempt to shake off the deja vu", that second use of "shake" can make the piece feel more limited and constrained than it actually is because the vocabulary repeats itself.

Overall, I think you're off to a strong start. Telling a story in under 100 words is incredibly difficult, especially when the subject matter is about a mythical creature like the phoenix. You've done a great job so far, and hopefully some of the suggestions above help refine the piece and make it even stronger. Nice job! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
264
264
Review of Mom  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Devilcoco101

I discovered this item using the site's Read & Review feature and wanted to take a few moments to send you a quick review.

I thought you did a good job with this poem. The meter and rhyme scheme flowed well for the most part, and you did a great job of infusing a lot of emotional depth into so few words. There were a couple of lines that bumped for me, though. "She threw, which was bad" feels like it's maybe missing a word (she threw what?), and I'm a little unsure what the second to last stanza was getting at when it says, "It picked her up to go and rock." Was it a reference to the baby in the previous stanza? A little clarity on that point would help make this poem even stronger.

Overall, I think you're off to a really great start with this poem, and a bit of revision could really make it shine. Really nice job! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
265
265
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi ruwth -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

Thanks for sending me your item by email. Like you, I don't typically write or review poetry because I've never had much interest or experience with it. But I'm enjoying challenging myself to try something new for "I Write in 2018" , and I'm even happier that I've convinced someone else to wander down the poetic path with me. *Smirk*

I agree that this form doesn't really lend itself well to the "read aloud" test; the form makes it difficult to get much of a reading rhythm going. But I thought you did a great job with the tumbling refrain and the construction of your quatrains. I'm particularly impressed by the way you used the same lines in each of the quatrains... coming up with lines that work in varying combinations throughout the poem must not have been easy.

I'm glad you attempted this challenge with me! While I'll always be a prose writer at heart, it's been fun to attempt some of these more challenging poetic forms. I hope you'll keep trying them too! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
266
266
Review of Hitching a Ride  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Cheri Annemos -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I thought you did a great job with the image prompt, and you created a vivid picture of the situation depicted. The only thing I really stumbled on while I was reading was the second stanza; the first and third felt very practical and grounded in reality, while the second felt a little more ethereal and metaphorical. The juxtaposition of those concepts - going from grounded to metaphorical to grounded again - was a bit jarring as I read it. That said, each of the stanzas on their own were well crafted and elegant. Nicely done! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
267
267
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi LostGhost: Seeking & Learning -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

Overall, I think you did a great job with this story. In particular, the imagery was excellent and the dialogue helped move things along at a brisk pace. The one line that caught me up a little was in the fourth paragraph when the narrative said "...and I felt my body turning green inch by inch." I think you need a little more to describe this sensation, because green is a visual cue and you're describing a physical sensation. What does turning green feel like?

Other than that, I thought this was a strong story. Nice job! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
268
268
Review of I Write 2018  
for entry "What is possible?" 
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Purple is House Florent -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018" 

I thought you did a really good job with this story. Writing an engaging tale in less than 300 words is definitely not easy, and you managed to paint a vivid picture of the characters and the setting.

The one issue I had with the story was an unresolved statement in the third paragraph. You mentioned that Sam's choice to wear the rainbow-colored ribbons in her hair was a choice that your narrator understood as a deep need to feel close to her father. That a bit of an unusual statement, and one that I really wanted resolved in the story. I know 300 words is not a lot of room to play with, but that was such a stark, odd detail that I felt disappointed to not understand how rainbow-colored ribbons connected to her father by the end of the story.

Overall, I thought this was a solid entry for the DFFC. You managed to do a lot with only a few hundred words! *Smile*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
269
269
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thanks for requesting a review! I appreciate the opportunity to review your item and, overall, I thought you did a really good job establishing the characters and the basic narrative. The pacing was good and kept my interest throughout.

If I had one suggestion for improvement, it would be to consider breaking up the chapters in a more definitive way. This first chapter featured multiple scenes and interactions and I couldn't help but feel like, because there was so much diverse material presented in the chapter, the chapter break itself was a little arbitrary. I would suggest breaking chapters at the natural divide between key scenes or interactions, so that each chapter is a standalone piece that just features that one interaction. By doing that, the reader will better understand the purpose and pacing of the chapter breaks rather than having them pop up at seemingly random places.

Overall, though, I thought this was a really interesting first chapter and the start of what could be a very compelling longer work. Nicely done! *Thumbsup*

I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*


Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk
Logo for Senior Moderators - small

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
270
270
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Dragon*          *Dragon*          *Dragon*

*Shield6*   Greetings from Westeros!   *Shield6*


My name is Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"  contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.

This was a really fun poem to read... and had a structure that actually makes sense to me! ABAB is about the extent of my sophistication with poetic styles. *Laugh*

I thought your imagery was great and really captured the style of flair of the steampunk genre. On top of that your word choice was sophisticated and diverse, but still managed to keep the pace of the read brisk and exciting.

I did catch two small typos:

In the first stanza, it should be “H.G. Wells’ work is done” or “H.G. Wells’s work is done,” but not “H.G. Well’s work is done” as you have it written.

And in the third stanza, it should be “Its vibrations disrupt time” (without the apostrophe).

As usual, though, the toughest criticism I can level at your poetry are a couple of typos. *Laugh* You're an excellent poet and pieces like this are exactly why. This was entertaining, well structured, and evoked strong imagery. I always learn a lot from reading your work and this piece is certainly no exception. Thanks for always teaching me something. *Smile*


I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*
271
271
Review of Who is She?  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Dragon*          *Dragon*          *Dragon*

*Shield6*   Greetings from Westeros!   *Shield6*


My name is Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"  contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.


I thought you did a fantastic job with the description in this piece. The sensory detail and imagery in the story is excellent; as a reader I could clearly visualize and imagine everything you were describing.

One of the things I struggled with while reading this piece, though, was understanding her intention as a character. Since the title is "Who is She?" I'm assuming there's meant to be some ambiguity about her identity (which is totally fine), but I didn't get a real sense of her purpose or objective here. I know she sense that it's going to be a special day, but is she anticipating anything in particular? Is she going about her normal everyday actions, or does she react differently knowing it's going to be a special day? Some additional context clues would be really helpful in making the woman in this piece more relatable.

Also, the change in perspective at the very end of the story was a little jarring. This is such an engaging piece, where we're totally immersed in the point of view of the unnamed woman, it's a little surprising and off-putting to suddenly, at the last minute, jump into the perspective of the bus driver. Personally, I think it would be a little more effective if we stayed with her POV the entire time, up to and including the point where she's gone, at which point the story ends.


I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*
272
272
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*Dragon*          *Dragon*          *Dragon*

*Shield6*   Greetings from Westeros!   *Shield6*


My name is Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"  contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.


I really liked the pace of your story. There's a lot of action packed into just a few paragraphs, which makes for a very exciting read. I enjoyed the imagination you put into the piece as well, but if there's an area where I thought there could be some improvement it would be in the presentation. There were dozens of typos and other errors in each paragraph, and it did affect the readability somewhat.

Which is not to say that there's anything wrong with that if this is a first draft and you're just trying to get the idea out on paper. If that's the case, though, you might want to make a note somewhere in the item that it's a first or rough draft, or otherwise let people know that it's not supposed to read a completely finished and polished. That's what most people reading and reviewing items here on the site will assume unless told otherwise, so if this is an early draft, it might save you some very critical reviews if you're up front about the fact that this piece is early in the writing process.

On the other hand, if this is a finished piece you're posting, I'd recommend a thorough proofread to make sure you catch the typos and errors. There's nothing wrong with the occasional oversight, but you don't want the readability of the piece to be affected. While the pacing of this piece was good, I think it could be really great once the errors are ironed out so the read is a smoother experience for the reader. *Smile*


I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*
273
273
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Dragon*          *Dragon*          *Dragon*

*Shield6*   Greetings from Westeros!   *Shield6*


My name is Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"  contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.


Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I thought you did a good job with the detail and description, particular the visuals that the narrator experiences. I do have a couple of suggestions, however.

First, I would recommend delaying the reveal that the person tucking him in is not his mother. When you reveal it in the first paragraph, it takes away from the suspense and foreboding in the following paragraphs. I think it would be more effective and suspenseful to play that out a little by mentioning that the rustle of covers woke him, that he assumes it's mom come to apologize after the earlier argument, he must have dozed off and now she's back to make up... and BOOM, that's when he realizes that the person standing over his bed is not actually his mother. By playing with the delayed payoff of a story moment,
you can really build up the tension.

Second, I would do the same thing with the grandmother. He thinks it's his grandmother, he describes his grandmother, and then you lay it on the audience at the very end that she's been dead for 10 years. The more you can play with the reveal of information, the better you can stretch out the suspense and toy with your readers. *Smile*

Finally, I would try to tie the ending into the beginning a little more. I really loved the sentiment of the last line... that when the darkness visits, one is drawn to look closer at the shadows... but I was hoping there would be a bit more of a reason for it. An explanation of why this is happening to the narrator. Early on in the story, it's unclear what the argument is about, but I think you have a really great opportunity to tie the nightmare he experiences into his earlier actions. What if, for instance, he's having the nightmare and the darkness is coming for him because he willfully did something bad and is now experiencing the consequences? Any time you can find a way to add some resonance to the actions and experiences your characters undergo, I think it adds an extra layer of meaning for an audience.


I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing! *Smile*
274
274
Review of We Know Very Well  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Claude H. A. Simpson -

I'm participating in the "Note: TWO DAY CHALLENGE : Scavenger Hunt ...", for which one of the challenges is to review a poem by a member with more than five poems in their portfolio. This poem caught my eye, so I thought I'd send you a quick review to let you know that I really enjoyed this piece. I'm not particularly well-versed in poetry, but I thought the poem was well-structured, elegant, and really did a great job of highlighting the fact that we have no way of knowing where we'll ultimately end up, and that the only thing we can really do in this life is the best we can to make the right choices when faced with the opportunity to do so.

I don't think we've ever crossed paths on the site before, I'm glad that I had the opportunity to read your work and get to know a little about your voice as a writer. Nice work!

Best regards,

Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk
275
275
Review of She Let Them In  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Logo for The Dark Society's Valentine's Day Review Massacre


Hi Jen~ -

This review is being sent in connection with "The Dark Society" 's "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"  activity. We're trying to do our part for the dark genres of Writing.Com by conducting a review raid on the most romantic day of the year! With that in mind, I've enclosed the following feedback about your item:

I enjoyed the imagery in this poem. I thought you did a good job with the description and the pacing, although I did think that the punctuation and capitalization felt a little off. While the use of punctuation is a personal choice on the part of the poet, there seemed to be some definite places where you were ending one sentiment and starting another, often with the use of a capital letter at the beginning of that next line. In those cases, I would recommend some kind of punctuation at the end of the previous line, just to help establish that the form you've chosen and the progression of your words call for a pause at those specific places. Without the accompanying punctuation, the erratic capitalization felt a little jarring. That formatting/structural issue aside, I really enjoyed the content of the poem and thought it was a solid Dark Dreamscapes entry. Nice work! *Smile*

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"New & Noteworthy Things" 
Community Activities ▼
1,169 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 47 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jeff/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11