Hello sandi
Congratulations on your Writing.com account anniversary this month! I'm sending this review in honor of the occasion.
Premise.
The concept of finding love after experiencing a loss certainly isn't a new concept, but it's also been around and popular for a very long time for a reason. It's a compelling narrative and you did a great job of hooking the reader's attention with what happened to Chris and Katie at the very beginning of the story. The setup and overall premise definitely entice the reader to give your item a chance.
Story.
The story felt a little stilted for much of the item, which I think might be due to the way it's presented in a matter-of-fact, slightly removed kind of way. Reading it, the story almost felt like a neutral third party was viewing the events and reporting them back to the reader in a dispassionate way (e.g., they did this, and then this happened, and after that this is what they said, etc.). I would recommend approaching the narrative of this story from the close, subjective view of one of the characters. Have us live this story through the eyes of Amanda, up close and personal, where we get to experience the varied emotions and ups and downs that come with someone going through a loss and a new beginning like she endured.
I would also recommend taking the time to explain elements of the story that aren't readily apparent. In the opening scene, for example, it's mentioned that Amanda and Chris have a successful architectural firm and such... but when the accident happens, the story quickly glosses over all the detail and just makes passing reference to the fact that Amanda moved her kids to a new town. But why? Was she haunted by memories of the past at her old job, old house, etc.? Now that Chris is gone and she's a single mom of two, did she need to move somewhere to be closer to family and a support system? Taking the time to explain the reasons for the characters' decisions will really help your reader empathize with your characters and clearly understand the characters' motivations for doing the things they do.
Characters.
See above for a combination note about story and character.
Dialogue.
The dialogue worked, but really didn't stand out. I would have loved to have seen the conversations have a little more energy to them, and with varied sentence structure to reflect natural speech patterns. As it is, the conversations are all kind of presented in the same formal speech pattern and it would be great to see the different characters have different kinds of expressions through their dialogue.
Technical.
There are quite a few jarring shifts in tenses throughout the story. In the first paragraph, for example, the story starts in the past tense ("Amanda and Chris were high school sweethearts," "They started a landscape architecture company," "It was their baby," etc.) and then, mid-paragraph, it suddenly switches to present tense ("Danny always takes the helm," "He is exceptional at his job," etc.). This is a technical issue I struggle with a lot in my own writing, and I would definitely recommend a thorough line edit to catch these errors and iron them out for better readability.
Several paragraphs also include sentence fragments and improper punctuation that, again, a good, thorough line edit would catch. Again in the first paragraph, "One of their closest friends." is a fragment. In the second paragraph, there's erroneous comma usage, irregular capitalization, and the unnecessary repetition of the word "pie" in the sentence, "They picked up, some pies, like, Apple, cherry, and sweet potato pie." I know this item is labeled a draft, so I just wanted to quickly highlight some technical areas to focus on during any subsequent revisions.
This item also needs to have a slightly higher rating due to the violent content in the opening sequence.
Overall.
I think you've got a winning premise here, and your characters are interesting. This is definitely a story worth pursuing. However, there's a lot of technical work and revising things from the ground up that will be necessary to revise this piece into a version of the story that takes full advantage of its own potential. That said, I did find this a very sweet and enjoyable read.
I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider paying it forward by reviewing the work of another WdC author!
Respectfully,
Jeff |