The reader has learned quite a lot in this short story:
James is cruel.
Ian is prepared to 'steal' in order "to stop" James doing such dastardly deeds (or perhaps that's the excuse the narrator gives for bringing home the magnifying glass).
Though "spiders inside had to die", Ian and the reader find out that the thought of being cruel to the spider is abhorrent.
Good for you, dear narrator! I, too, cannot kill a spider.
Now for some help with your grammar:
"“I had to do it to stop him.” he thought."
The above line should read,
“I had to do it to stop him,” he thought. (comma after 'him').
Your poem is striking. It is a painting in words of a painting in red and white. The painting in red and white is one which the victim wishes had never been created, yet she cannot get rid of it, cannot destroy it.
Very vividly do you describe, in simple terms, how a young girl's dignity and purity were robbed from her, staining her in red forever.
Your words ring true. I agree the "A poem should never strive to become alive." By this I understand that if a writer forces the words in a poem, the poem is not a natural flow of feeling. The life in a poem is a "flow of real feeling."
Yes, in some way, at some time, those feelings will resonate with a reader.
I'm truly sorry that you had this experience, and that you are suffering so much as a result.
Your suffering is extreme, which is understandable.
Please know that with time you will feel better. Think of the person you'd like to be, and try to act like that person. You, yourself, didn't do anything shameful, so try to be proud of the real you.
My reaction is positive. You've got me interested in how crooks manage to pull it off, except when they don't!
I like the quick pace of the story as well as all the detail. I would certainly continue with the read.
Let me tell you what I'm not altogether happy with:
"The Dress pants" and "colored Jackets" - I think the use of capital 'D' and capital 'J' is incorrect.
"Their bright yellow discount stickers screaming for attention as thrifty shoppers
slid them left, and then right." You could remedy this by substituting "screamed"
for "screaming".
The above cannot stand alone as a sentence, as it isn't a sentence. Even allowing for "poetic licence" it does not read well.
You used "3 pm" then "Two point nine seconds". Perhaps you should use "2.9 seconds".
In the last paragraph I would insert a comma between "See" and "the mice".
This has nothing to do with the merits of your writing, but I find that the script or the font a stain on my eyes.
Your story leaps from the hurt and sorrow endured by Phineas, to sudden acclaim for him.
This was a surprise to me, as it seems to have no basis. Rightly or wrongly, I think it is in the imagination of of the boy as an escape from what he has endured.
Am I correct?
The story is well-told, though I do wish that there was a hint as to how or why Phineas found himself in a Limousine and in the limelight.
To me it is clear that this is a poem that reflects your personal experience.
You describe the Ganges river as being azure and turquoise whereas, as far as I know it is
dull - more like grey. But in your mind it is beautiful in colour.
Your memories of being in the North (of India?) are pleasant, and include pine forests singing with sweet music.
You see and feel beauty, innocence, magic and holiness and this is what your memories are made up of.
What an exquisite story this is, and how you have enhanced it with its telling! It is written with both passion and compassion.
The girl's confusion at the time of her Maa's death and the relationship she had with her loving mother are described with great perception: they ring with a deep sadness which you bring out with your sensitive, emotive writing. (The image of Maa putting ribbons in Sunaina's hair, an activity that Sunaina saw as a deed of love, is as pretty as it is memorable.)
Sunaina's impassioned relationship with "THE SEA" is is masterfully narrated.
You are am extremely talented writer.
If you would like me to point out the spelling mistakes in this story, please let me know.
Words and phrases such as "senseless"", "unfathomable", "asking why", "no way to rationalize", "crush, devastate and turn us inside out", in my experience too, accurately describe one's reaction to such an unfortunate event.
I was drawn to the line, "because we can't not even though we can't." Seeming confused and contradictory at first glance, it makes perfect sense.
It is true that the pain "can only begin to ease with little moments of love, of support and of family" and I hate to think of the consequences of not having these.
Yes, we go forward, one tiny step at a time but never, ever do we forget.
My impression is that short piece of prose tells a sad story in poetry.
I say this because it is succint, because there is internal rhyming, ad because of the beautiful metaphor, "all my butterflys are now dead".
"butterflies" could have two meanings at the same time: the butterflies in one's stomach (or, in this case, your heart) which are induced by intense feeling and, secondly, the exquisite beauty of butterflies - equivalent to the pure and exquisite love of narrator.
Please note that the plural of butterfly is "butterflies".
This seems to be a classic like a Diamante poem, with the mood changing in the fourth line. You have the "ing" verbs in the correct lines, the adjectives correctly placed, and the first and last words of the poem are nouns of opposite meaning.
What I also like about the poem is that our feelings do vary from sad to happy (and vice versa), so the content is relevant to all.
It's an interesting exercise for me to compare the two paragraphs.
In a nutshell I'd say that the first is written with a positive slant and the second with a second negative slant. I prefer to use a metaphor, though, and say that the first paragraph is "alive" and the second one "dead".
Among the signs of life in paragraph A are words such as ideas, lights, changes, decorated, active, (I think you mean "activated") rich coffee smell, inviting, rest, talk, memorable, viewed, portal, offering, andfun.
The above words reflect perceptions, experiences, sights, movement and feelings of people actually in the room or people that have been in the room.
The second paragraph is stagnant and largely lifeless. The people referred to are tired or sitting still, with no evidence of production.
I prefer numbers (in this case, 3, 5 and 2) to be written as words in narration.
See the typo in "to high to reach".
There's no doubt in my mind that you have achieved what you set out to achieve
I interpret your poem to mean that your mother or your guardian has a hold over you which makes you feel extremely anxious.
I know that some mothers don't understand that their job is to love, nurture and encourage their children, to give them the confidence to be their best selves.
Your poem clearly illustrates how your suffer from a lack of unconditional love.
My guess is that when
"...she whispers,
“I’ll never leave you alone.”
it is actually you feeling or knowing that she won't leave you alone. Am I correct?
I wouldn't have dreamed of writing a poem on a common shelf.
You say you love your shelf - your SHELF?
Let me consider mine...
My husband painted it when we bought it and found just the right place for it. Many years later it was decorated by my grandchildren with pretty little stickers.
Your poem has been a revelation to me: I also love my shelf!
As a youngster you must have loved cars and enjoyed your music. Like many others you went through a period of feeling "lost", looking for direction in life.
You've taken everyday memories and created from them a nostalgic poem.
I love the repetition of the first line of every verse, and the way the last line in every verse is repeated until the final line, where you once more store away the messages and, instead of being taken back, move forward.
This is an interesting story about someone who deals with death. His life is constantly threatened and, since he must remain anonymous even to his wife, I should imagine he's in the killing business himself.
I see irony, not satire in the story. Am I missing something?
There is irony in the fact that this killer is such a devoted husband - or perhaps it is part of his job to keep up the appearance of a "regular" family man.
Does this story perhaps have a connection with a dark game?
It is well structured and the storyline is interesting. There is an ongoing mystery about the three main characters, which holds the reader's attention. The reader's curiosity is aroused in the first paragraph and maintained throughout; what is more, questions remain even after the last sentence of story.
I particularly like the expression, "filthy nonchalance"!
For the above features of your story I would award you full marks.
I would like to help you, though, by bringing to your attention some writing that does not sit well with me.
The following pertains to the first and second paragraphs only:
There were a few secrets yet to be revealed pertaining to the past lives of this couple, this was one that Braxton could not afford to disclose
Braxton was hoping it was one of their apartments that they were heading back to, he was also hoping that they did not share an apartment
In both of the above examples you have combined two sentences with a comma. A semi-colon (or a full stop) should be used, instead.
“Let’s take the longer route home this time”, he lied to Belinda
"Lied" is not the correct word to use here, as Braxton has not stated a fact that can be disputed.
and to much of his disappointment should read, "and much to his disappointment".
Finally, I'd like to comment on your use of numbers. It is generally agreed that words (one, two, three) should be used in a story rather than digits (1, 2, 3). Of course, in an address it is correct to use digits, as you did in 84 Rue Lauriston.
Just as I was contemplating the representation of absolute finality, the magic began: Life, colour and movement greet the mind and eye and fill the heart with happiness; in addition, the bench is a blissful place to rest and dream in solitude.
I love the unusual way your poem illustrates what a difference "perspective" makes.
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