|Hi there, Elizabeth
Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !
My name is Teerich - 2019
I am a writer just like you. I am not here to judge you.
Please bear in mind that anything I say is just my humble opinion.
It is my honour to read your work.
Use whatever you can and send the rest fluttering off into the ether for another day.
I am reviewing "The Players of Luminesco Chapter One" today as part of the New Year Newbies Review Raid.
I found your name on "Noticing Newbies"
Capturing interest/establishing pace
The Title and strap line intrigued me.
I wanted to find out what the story was about.
The addition of an cover image would make the item stand out in the listings.
The story is written from 1st person viewpoint. in the present tense.
The tension in the opening paragraph piques interest.
I am eager to read on.
The narrative moves smartly, setting the backstory.
The main character is Niccola Parici, a member of a troupe of strolling players.
They live a clandestine life, for all entertainment has been outlawed by invaders in their land.
Niccola is a singer in the troupe, and comes across as a believable character.
She introduces us to the other characters with short, adept words.
Dialogue is clearly separated from the main text.
A new line is taken for each new person speaking.
However, I feel that there are too many 'he says/I say' comments.
The narrative makes these unnecessary.
'“Not bad , .” he says to me glancing up and tossing Christiano glances up and tosses his dark brown curls out of his eyes
'“Yes, the turnout was good , .” I say quickly. I smile at him in reassurance.
'“How are we looking tonight? They seemed a fair audience,” says Nadia, bouncing bounces over with Marigold on her sleeve. Nadia She is a cheerful girl, a...'
These sort of changes will make the action more immediate and will fit in with the present tense used at the beginning.
The action takes place during the hours of darkness out in the countryside.
The troupe are wary, because of the regime they live under.
The members of one of their fellow troupes have recently been hanged when they were caught performing.
The narrative sets the edgy atmosphere well.
'...even when every body hung still, the eerie hum of music continued.'
'Perhaps you would not notice it, seeing only the velvet blackness of the dome above, but to me, the sky is a timekeeper and herald of danger.'
The work is presented in clear short paragraphs which make it easy to read.
There were no obvious grammar or punctuation issues.
The chapter is well constructed and sets the scene for what has the potential to be a cracking story.
Thank you for allowing me to review your work.
I hope you find my comments useful, and that you enjoy your time here on WDC.