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51
51
Review by Teerich - 2019
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, Dave

Teerich - 2019 her with a review from the heart.


I am reviewing 'My Journey to Becoming a Writer' as part of my challenge for

FORUM
a very Wodehouse challenge  (E)
A blind set of challenges hosted by Writing.com groups/members. Come test your fortitude!
#1280691 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen
.

Your name was listed in

"Showering Acts of Joy Garden" 

The strap line and title of 'My Journey to Become a Writer' intrigued me. I love to know what motivates other writers.

Please bear in mind that I am not a professional writer and that anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the writing pixies for use another day.


*Check3* Capturing interest/establishing pace

My interest was piqued at the first paragraph.
Your experiences are very similar to my own. I can't remember a time when I didn't concoct stories in my head.
My imagination created a world of endless promise, though none of those early scribblings survived my mother's zeal for spring-cleaning.

Your account of your early experiences were written with aplomb.
Each phase of your life was related succinctly in an entertaining conversational style.
I liked the fact that you were able to hone your skills throughout your career choices.


*Check5* Characterisation

The easy, relaxed style of your writing is underpinned by a wide knowledge base.
This encourages the reader to continue reading as it engenders a feeling of confidence in your expertise.


*Checkr* Dialogue

There is no speech, per se; but there is a feeling of dialogue between peers in the friendly tone of the narrative.


*Check3* Description/place/time/mood

Your descriptions of your life experiences are rich and varied.
The progression through the stages of your journey are enlivened with anecdotes
and pitched at just the right pace.
Each phase is made interesting without being too pedantic.
Your unique view of the world is evident in every line.

Your optimistic outlook shines through every word.
'combining that natural attraction with my engineering education.' shows a desire to make the best of opportunities that present themselves.


*Check4* Presentation

The narrative is generally well set out in clear, pithy paragraphs.
For the most part, these are not overlong or too involved.

However, I thought that paragraphs 7 and 9 were rather involved and could benefit from being split into 2/3 shorter paragraphs. These are suggested possibilities for new paragraphs.
Para 7, line 3: after 'teaching assistant.'; line 8: after 'the craft of poetry.'
Para 9, line 5: after 'therapeutic release.'


*Checkr* Overall impression

This was a clearly written, entertaining digest of your journey towards becoming the writer you are today.
I empathised strongly especially with the early part of your journey, which had many parallels with my own.
Your tongue-in-cheek approach is refreshing.

My favourite passage is the whole of the penultimate passage, as it paraphrases my own views on the topic of inspiration
I heartily endorse your final assertion. I too believe that writers are born not made. We have just got to write!


Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,

Terri
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
52
52
Review by Teerich - 2019
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, Dave

*Smile*teerich here with a poetry review from the *Heart*


I have chosen to review your Villanelle, 'The Crickets' Love Song' today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" 

and as participant in

FORUM
a very Wodehouse challenge  (E)
A blind set of challenges hosted by Writing.com groups/members. Come test your fortitude!
#1280691 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


You were listed in

"Showering Acts of Joy Garden" 

Please remember that I am not a professional writer and that anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest floating out into the Cosmos for use another day.


*Burstp* Personal Impression

The poem is a beautiful evocation of the theme of unrequited love.
It recounts the attempts of a swain to woo his love with an interlude in a pleasant pastoral setting, 'a quest for romantic rendezvous.'

The assignation does not go to plan. Fate intervenes to sabotage the attempt; 'Try and try as I might' the attempt was unsuccessful '(you) still withdrew.'


*Burstp* Tone & Mood

The tone at the beginning is hopeful and romantic.

There is a mood of persistence as events unfold but luck is not with this attempt.

There is a feeling of quiet resignation in the way the rejection at the end is handled.


*Burstp* Form, Rhyme & Flow

The Villanelle is an appropriate vehicle for this theme.
The line repetitions add a lyrical quality to the poem and give it a lilting flow.

When read aloud, there is a musicality which underscores the concept of 'The Crickets' Love Song'

The 2nd line assonant end rhymes are maintained consistently throughout the stanzas.


*Burstp* Emotional Impact

I enjoyed reading this poem immensely.
It was a very emotive treatment of the theme.
I was hoping that the ending would be more idyllic.

I love the dogged persistence of the suitor as he fights against the minor disaster when 'The truck got bogged down' and they 'struggled together to push it'; an illustration of 'Sod's Law'.

I empathise with the feelings of rejection when things did not go to plan. We have all had similar experiences when careful planning goes awry.

The final two lines add a wistful quality to the conclusion.


*Burstp* Grammar and Punctuation

There was minimal punctuation, as the natural line breaks made it unnecessary.

There were no apparent issues with grammar.
However, I didn't know what was meant by 's’mores' on the second line of the last stanza.


*Burstp* Poetry Devices noticed and used effectively

The Villanelle form was consistently satisfied.

The line repetitions leant an appropriate lyrical musicality to the poem which assisted the smooth flow.

The 2nd line assonant rhymes were maintained throughout all the stanzas.



It was a privilege to have the opportunity to read this lovely poem. I hope that my comments are of some use to you.


sincerely,

Terri
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
Review of The Leprechaun  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there, Riverbed Writer

This is a review from
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Please bear in mind that anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest fluttering off into the ether for another day.

I am reviewing your humourous short story, 'The Leprechaun' as part of my participation in

FORUM
I Write in June-July-August   (ASR)
Combat summer writing slouch by participating in this forum once a week.
#1868482 by Aennaytte: Free & Wild in GoT



*Check3* Capturing interest/establishing pace

I like the emerald green text which is very appropriate for a Leprechaun story.
The story is moved along briskly by the way you have chosen short, snappy paragraphs and dialogue.


*Check5* Characterisation

The sympathetic character of Colleen is well-observed. 'Colleen looked at her grandfather with concern'
Her grandfather, Partick has a mischievous, wild streak. '“Why don’t you pour us some good Irish Whiskey?” is his reply to her offer of a cup of tea.

I liked them both, especially Patrick with his pride in his profession of shoemaker.


*Checkr* Dialogue

As an Irishwoman myself, the dialogue rang very true.


*Check3* Description/place/time/mood

The imagery captured the atmosphere well. The narrative set the scene perfectly.
You seem to have a good knowledge of our Little People.

*Check4* Presentation

I liked the way the story was set out clearly in short paragraphs, with the dialogue separated from the body of text.
However, I felt that in some cases the 'he said/she answered' riders to the dialogue were unnecessary as it is obvious who is talking. For Example:
'“Why don’t you pour us some good Irish Whiskey?” he answered.'
'“Ah, said Patrick, “Well first off'
'“Yes, he said, “the name Leprechaun came '
'“I will tell you a better story, Colleen.” he said.'



*Checkr* Overall impression
This was a great wee story with an unusual slant on a familiar theme.

The story within a story is entertaining.


Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,

Terri
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
54
54
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there,

This is a review from
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please bear in mind that anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest fluttering off into the ether for another day.

I am reviewing your story, 'Journey to Winter's End' as part of my participation in

FORUM
I Write in June-July-August   (ASR)
Combat summer writing slouch by participating in this forum once a week.
#1868482 by Aennaytte: Free & Wild in GoT



*Check3* Capturing interest/establishing pace

As an avowed poet, I was enchanted by your opening rhymed quatrain.
The first paragraph captures the interest with the promise of the burning of a convicted witch.
The whole town rushes to enjoy this gruesome spectacle.

The two main characters are introduced, with a delicious hint of secrets to be revealed in their initial dialogue.

The story moves along smartly.
The story development follows the escape of the two women to the witches sanctuary, after they are shown to also be witches.

Their arrival at Winter's End reveals a final secret.


*Check5* Characterisation

Initially the two main characters appear to be on opposing sides in regard to the witches fate.
The witch herself is a magnificent creature who reeks vengeance on her executioners.
The dwarf fairy king is benevolence personified.


*Checkr* Dialogue

The dialogue is believable and in many cases serves to move the story on.

However, there is scope to add extra dramatic interest by replacing 'he said/she said' by more descriptive text. Here are some examples:
'“Terrible, isn’t it?” Sybil whispered.' could be replaced by 'Sybil's sympathy for Rose showed in her hushed voice.'

'“Sybil, look!” Eve cried.' could be replaced by 'Eve clutched frantically at her friend's arm.'
'“What am I to do with Blackthorn?” she asked Sybil.' could become 'A worried frown furrowed Eve's forehead.'


*Check3* Description/place/time/mood
You have some evocative imagery. A particular favourite was 'like raindrops running down a painted wall'
The narrative sets the place/time and mood well.

'Eve cried out and Blackthorn flapped his wings to stay afloat.' I feel that 'aloft' would be more appropriate here


*Check4* Presentation

The presentation is clear, with dialogue presented in the traditional style.


*Checkr* Overall impression

This was an enjoyable read with interesting plot twists. I was avid to discover the fate of the two main characters


Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,

Terri
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review of A vacant cross  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there,Grace

This is a review from
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I am ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** and I am reviewing your item, 'A vacant cross' as I am a participant in Game of Thrones.
Your item appeared on Read a Newbie.

Please remember that anything I say is just my humble opinion.
Use whatever you can and send the rest out into the cosmos.


*Check3* Capturing interest/establishing pace

This has the potential to be well-received.

There are many valid, interesting ideas on belief in the body of the text.
However, I found it difficult to pick them out from the mass of words.

The first reaction of many people seeing this would be to move on, which is a great pity.
All it requires is a little bit of attention to presentation.
With a little redrafting, your message would appeal to a wider audience. See section on 'Presentation' below.


*Check5* Characterisation

There is an evangelistic character to this narrative.
You state your beliefs with great passion.


*Check3* Description/place/time/mood

You open with a vivid description of the aftermath of the Crucifixion, the vacant cross of the title.
You move quickly to a comparison of the vacant cross and the empty tomb after the Resurrection.
There is a strong element of reverence present.

However, Some of the ideas are a little jumbled. Here are some suggestions.
1. line 2: 'In awe and sadness they stood and stared upon,'; the word 'upon' is unnecessary here.
2. line 4: 'it will be raised again,'; should 'raised' be followed by 'again'.
3. line 5: 'and, as was the vacant cross, now a vacant tomb. Only a sheet lay in in the grave'; the meaning here is unclear. The addition of punctuation could help to clarify.

There are also a number of spelling/typing errors. eg, 'beaten to death and rose' on line 5
Using the spell check should get rid of most of them. email me,(by clicking on the envelop beside my name,) if you can't find how to do this.

It would be useful for you to proof read a little more



*Check4* Presentation

The solid mass of text could be off-putting. I suggest putting line breaks in to separate the different ideas. Suggestions:
After 'Thinking all was lost.' in line 3
After ' only a sheet lay in in the grave.' in line 5; and so on. It is less off-putting to present these fine ideas in small chunks.


*Checkr* Overall impression

This is a sincere effort to communicate your beliefs to others.



Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful and remember that they are merely opinions.

sincerely,

Terri
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there, Bikerider.

This is a review from
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** here. I am reviewing your short story 'Grandma Hears a Joke', because I am involved in Game of Thrones and your story came up as a random review item.

Please remember that anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the writing pixies for use another day.


*Check3* Capturing interest/establishing pace

I like the humorous title. I wanted to find out what Grandma had heard.

I could visualise her teeth flying through the air in slow motion and landing in the punch bowl.


*Check5* Characterisation

I liked the way that you described Grandma. She sounds like a fun person; 'grandma listened to the naughty joke and tried not to laugh'


*Checkr* Dialogue

There was one line of dialogue, which is a little lost in the body of the text.
1. I would suggest that you finish the paragraph at 'Grandpa took her hand.' Note the capitalised pronoun, 'Grandpa'.
2. The dialogue makes it evident who is speaking therefore 'and said' is unnecessary.


*Check3* Description/place/time/mood

Your descriptions set the scene well.

I could visualise the jollity of this happy occasion and the dismay when the mishap occurred.

I liked the diplomatic way that Grandpa saved the day.

The way you compared the sound of the dentures scraping on the glass to that of 'fingernails on a blackboard' set my teeth on edge.


*Check4* Presentation

The mass of words could be off-putting to some people. Not everyone will bother to read what is a great wee story.
I suggest that you put an extra line space between paragraphs to break the text into more manageable chunks for the reader.

I feel that the two paragraphs were overly long. These are suggestions as to where you could take a new paragraph at a natural break in the Narrative.
1. After 'punch bowl.' in line 3.
2. After 'sank to the bottom.' in line 5.
3. After 'fingers on a blackboard.' in line 3 of paragraph 2

I feel that the suggested cosmetic changes will create a more professional finished product. However, the final decision is yours alone.


*Checkr* Overall impression

Your descriptions were spot on. The idea of the guests trying to pretend nothing had happened had me giggling.


Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,

Terri
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
57
57
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, Tim

This is a poetry review from
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** here.

I am reviewing your poem, 'Average vs. Tremendous Opportunity', because it appeared as a Random Review item. I was intrigued by your reference to the journeymen in the strapline.

Please remember that anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out into the ether.


*Burstg* Personal Impression

The poem is presented clearly.

I am pleased to see that you have written in clear, rhymed stanzas.


*Burstp* Tone & Mood

The tone is refreshing and upbeat.

It creates an optimistic mood, which is uplifting.


*Burstbl* Rhyme, Form & Flow

The use of rhymed stanzas which have a steady rhythm allow the poem to flow smoothly.

The aaaa bbbb cccc dddd eeee rhyme scheme is unforced and flows natural from the narrative.


*Burstr* Emotional Impact

I love the sentiments expressed here.

I was energised from the beginning, pulses did rise, nostrils did flare, at the opportunity to read such a rousing poem.

The sense of 'who dares, wins.' is very strong, with the statement that 'There isn't a challenge you mustn’t avoid;'

I particularly like 'The cost we will pay, and we will dare/To piece together a win so rare!'

I think this would encourage people to have a go and hang the consequences.

I like the way you use the repetition of 'tremendous' and 'opportunity' to emphasise the main thrust of you ideas.

However, I feel that the word 'For' at the beginning of v.1/l.2 is unnecessary and interrupts the flow when read aloud.


*Burstv* Grammar/Punctuation

There were no discernable issues here.


*Burstb* Poetry Devices noticed and used effectively

Consistent and appropriate rhyme scheme

The use of the quatrain format

The use of repetition for emphasis



Thank you for allowing me the privilege of reviewing your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,

Terri

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
Review of Why should I?  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, Joseph

This is a poetry review from
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I am Teerich - 2019 , (as you can see from the heading *Laugh*) and I chose to review your poem 'Why should I' today as it was listed the Alliance Review Challenge in the Game of Thrones contest.

Please remember that anything I write is merely my opinion. Use what you will and send the rest into the ether.


*Leaf1* First Impression/Thoughts:

This poem explores the confused feelings of someone who is being asked to give a second chance to a woman who abandoned him/(her?).

It examines the uncertainty he experiences in his efforts to learn to trust her again.

He first speaks directly to her, using 'you' then, in the final 5 lines he refers to her in the third person as 'she'.

He likens betrayal to a yen to touch a flame, with all the attendant danger involved.


*Leaf2* Creativity/Impact:

I thought about what I might do if I was in his situation and felt a bit sorry for him.

He weighed up the pros and cons of the situation clearly.

The first verse sounded like his woman got her fingers burned and had come running back to him.

She tries to persuade him that she has changed; she wants 'a new beginning'.



*Leaf3* Message/Theme:

The message that comes across is that he is torn between his feelings for her; the desire to be with her, and his fears of being hurt again.

The themes of betrayal and reconciliation are analysed.


*Leaf4* Technique/Technical Notes:

It is clearly set out with an intro, middle and end to the story.

The first 2 verses are full of metaphors; in the next two he weighs her claims to have changed with his past experiences with her; the final verses describe his final decision.

The aabb ccdd eeff rhyme scheme is, generally, maintained well flows naturally.

The steady even beat of the meter helped the flow.


*Leaf5* Title - The title is apt. It explains exactly how he feels about the situation.


*Leafr* Emotions/Imagery - Betrayal, Trust, Reconciliation, Rejection, Use of metaphor



*Leafy* Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I gave you four and a half stars because of a few grammar/punctuation issues that I noticed.

These are my suggestions:

1. 'you did nothing, you just touched' - comma after 'nothing'

2. 'I asked you, why do ...' - comma after 'you'

3. 'A new story for us, new beginning,' - comma after 'beginning'

4. 'So sudden a change of your character.' - put in the word 'a'

5. 'I should trust you? Hope things get better?' - put in question marks



It was a privilege and a pleasure to share your poem, today.

sincerely

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
59
59
Review of Teamwork  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there, Grum
This is a review from
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*Smile* I'm teerich. I am reviewing your piece because I noticed it when I was browsing your port for 'Getting to Know You' in GoT. Just remember that anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the writing pixies for use another day.*Devil*

*Check3* Capturing interest/establishing pace
Your opening lines set the scene perfectly. I like the way you describe the voice of Mum. It allowed me to almost hear her. I wondered how the story would pan out.

*Check5* Characterisation
Your characters have real depth, especially the Mum and her son.
The initial antagonism between the brother and sister is palpable.
The father, who does not appear until the end of the story, has a real solid presence throughout.

*Checkr* Dialogue
I like the way that the dialogue was mostly presented in the traditional manner, which made it easy to follow.
I like the general absence of 'he said', 'she said' type links to the narrative.
The links used create a positive dynamic within the story and help to move it along.
The dialogue is appropriate to the respective speakers.
However, I feel that the last paragraph is not quite up to the standard of the dialogue presentation for the rest of the piece.
Suggestions to maintain the consistency of dialogue presentation.
1. Replace 'On this occasion, however, he turned to Lisa and said,' with 'This time was different.'
2. Take a new line for “Congratulations, Lisa, Mum told me you got an “A-“ for maths. Well done.”
3. Replace 'He then turned to me and said,' with 'He turned to me with a rare smile on his face.'
4. Take a new line for “Thank you, son, thank you for supporting Lisa and your Mum. I’m proud of you. You see, we are a family team after all.”
These are only suggestions, but I feel they will give the conclusion a little more polish.

*Check3* Description/place/time/mood
The descriptive passages bring the characters to life. I particularly liked 'Mum’s disappointment reflected in her weary face and slumped back as she tried to cope with the huge load of dirty washing.'

*Check4* Presentation
The work is clearly presented, mostly in short paragraphs interspersed with dialogue within speech marks.
The dialogue for each new speaker starts on a new line, which makes it easy to decide who is talking.
There is a clear progression throughout the narrative.

*Checkr* Overall impression
This is an eminently readable version of the perennial theme of family dynamics.
The characters evoke sympathy and the positive outcome is uplifting.
The boy's solution to a thorny issue is generous and mature.

Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review of Indecision  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there,Nick

I see from your portfolio that you here barely a month yet. Welcome to WDC. My you find as much encouragement here as I have done.

This is a poetry review from
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*Smile* I'm teerich. I am reviewing your piece because I saw it when I was browsing the Read a Newbie page. The title of your poem seemed interesting and your request for thoughts on it made me want to give you some help, if I could.

Please remember that anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day. *Butterflyv*

*Burstg* Personal Impression
I like the clear way that you had set out the poem.
The centred lines made a pleasant pattern on the page.

*Burstp* Tone & Mood
The introspective, pondering mood of the poem captured the concept of youthful indecision very well.
The dithering tone created an appropriate representation of the turmoil of a young mind.

*Burstbl* Rhyme, Form & Flow
The unrhymed free verse format was apt.
There was a soothing, rhythmic flow to the lines.

*Burstr* Emotional Impact
The poem elicited feelings of empathy for the confusion that often invades the minds of the young as they explore who they are.
I felt sympathetic to the dilemmas described here.

*Burstv* Grammar/Punctuation
There are a few minor issues.
Line 2: There is an inconsistency between 'escaping' and 'lingers'. I suggests 'escapes' would be better here.
Line 3: The meaning of this line is ambiguous. 'Panic, in a rush, my future undecided.' or 'Panic in a rush, my future undecided.'
Lines 4-7: Lots of questions here, but where are the question marks?

*Burstb* Poetry Devices noticed and used effectively
The presentation creates an attractive looking piece which draws in the reader.
The free verse format was appropriately applied.
The poem had apleasant rhythmic flow, with line breaks at natural pause points.


Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful. I have attached a small number of gps to help get you started.

sincerely,

Terri




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review of Limericks Mk XII  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

I was feeling a wee bit dejected
and my mood on my face was reflected,
but the words that you wrote
brought a lump to my throat.
A miraculous change was effected.


I was restless and seeking distraction,
A wee bit of good lightweight action.
It was magic to find
the seeds of your mind,
which banished all dissatisfaction.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there,

This is a poetry review from
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*Smile* I'm teerich. I am reviewing your piece because it is listed in Members Items in House Lannister.
Anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day. *Butterflyv*

*Burstg* Personal Impression
As a poet myself, I was pleased when I selected this and found that it was a poem.
It was attractively laid out on the page.
It is a refreshingly unusual response to the prompt.

*Burstp* Tone & Mood
The tone initially seemed to be fairly pastoral, and had a lilting quality to the first three lines.
The discordance of line four brings the reader up sharp. There is something more to this poem other than a pleasant romp on the beach.

*Burstbl* Rhyme, Form & Flow
The unusual rhyme scheme is maintained well throughout the three stanzas: aabc ddec ffgc
The use of 2 short lines, 1 long line, 1 short line in each stanza is consistent. I particularly liked line three of the first stanza, 'though silence gleams and waves are seen,'.
However, I feel that the ten beats in line three of the final stanza seems to interrupt the flow too much.
The discordant note in the last line of each stanza heightens the sinister undertones.

*Burstr* Emotional Impact
This poem appears, at first, to portray a pleasant, lyrical, pastoral scene.
With the word 'crashing' at the beginning of the last line of the first stanza, one grows uneasy. All is not what it seemed.
In the second stanza we discover the lovers, 'surrounded by our foes' are in great peril.
In the final stanza the lovers lie dead in 'Our final resting place', a very poignant conclusion.
At least they were able to enjoy a last few moments together before they met their fate.

*Burstv* Grammar/Punctuation
There were no apparent issues with these.

*Burstb* Poetry Devices noticed and used effectively
Consistent rhyme scheme.
Maintenance of an unusual format
Good use of descriptive imagery
An original interpretation of a prompt

Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,

Terri




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review of You're not there  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there again, Lost in Oregon

Further to my first review of this poem I must apologise for omitting this. Please note that 'Your' means belonging to you. 'You're' is the abbreviated form of 'you are'.

I hope you are not offended by me pointing this out to you.

sincerely

Terri


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Review of You're not there  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there, Lost in Oregon

This is a poetry review from
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*Smile* I'm teerich. I am reviewing your piece because it came up when I clicked the random Review button.
Anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day. *Butterflyv*

*Burstg* Personal Impression
This was a short, concise description of the emotions felt when we look for contact with a loved one and are unsuccessful.

*Burstp* Tone & Mood
The title sets the mood immediately and the melancholia is keenly expressed. This is maintained throughout the poem.

*Burstbl* Rhyme, Form & Flow
The rhyming couplets are neatly structured. The rhymes are unforced and well-chosen. The poem generally flows well, although I feel that there is a slightly bumpy section at lines 5 - 8. Perhaps you could consider changing the punctuation to smooth this out. I would suggest the following:

You've cut me off communication wise. #Replace the full stop with either a comma or a semi-colon.
Just emails and occasional passing hi's #Change the initial capital to lower case; put a full stop at the end of the line.
When I am feeling all alone. #Change initial capital to lower case; remove full stop or replace with a comma.
Not even a number for me to phone. #Change initial capital to lower case.

Remember: these are only suggestions.

*Burstr* Emotional Impact
You put the emotive across admirably. The pain felt was palpable.

*Burstv* Grammar/Punctuation
There were no other issues with punctuation and grammar. However you would need to make sure that you maintain consistency in capitalising lines after an incomplete sentence, eg at the beginning of line 7.

*Burstb* Poetry Devices noticed and used effectively
Rhyming couplets were used correctly and there was a nice even beat to the lines. The repetition of the words 'no' and 'not' added to the poignancy of the poem.

Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,

Terri




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Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there, Country Girl.

This is a review from
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*Smile* I'm teerich. I am reviewing your piece because I saw it on the Community Newsfeed and the description intrigued me.
Anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the writing pixies for use another day.

*Check3* Capturing interest/establishing pace
The title and description drew me in to read this item. I was curious as to how you could be grateful for the death of a child. You set the scene very well with your personal potted history. The first person viewpoint was a valid one.

*Check5* Characterisation
Your subsequent paragraphs showed a sympathetic, admirable strength of character. I wanted to see how the story would pan out. The development of the story drew me on towards the end. You told your story matter-of-factly without dwelling too much on the tragedy of events as they unfolded.

*Check3* Description/place/time/mood
As the story progressed, your descriptions of the emotions you felt were heart-rending. I could empathise with the dilemmas you faced as events unfolded. There was an underlying sense of stunned disbelief in your delivery and yet you managed to look for and find a way through the horror of it. I found this poignant but uplifting at the same time.

*Check4* Presentation
The logical sequence of paragraphs and the clear progression from one stage to another added to the readability of this piece.

However, one or two of your sentences were rather long and involved. You might consider breaking them up with a little more punctuation. Eg: 'She sat me down and told me that(comma) although I was pregnant(comma) that my hormone levels were not rising or falling(comma) which meant it was an ectopic pregnancy (in the tubes)'. Suggestions: I would put commas in where I have highlighted and remove the highlighted 'that'.

*Checkr* Overall impression
It was apparent that your emotions on this subject are still painful. My over-riding reaction to this was a deep admiration for your forbearance in the face of such tragedy. The enormity of it brought tears to my eyes. Your philosophical acceptance of how fate treated you is admirable. Your ceremonial farewell to your child was a beautiful touch.

You are a remarkable person.

Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,
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for entry "The Power of Love" 
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Carly

Short but sweet. A great concise summing up of a wonderful theme.


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Review of Pencil and Pen  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there, Franklin and welcome. I see from your portfolio you are a newcomer to WDC.
This is a review from the *Suitheart*

*Smile* I'm teerich. I am reviewing your piece because I found it on the random review link. Anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the writing pixies for use another day. *Butterflyv*

*Check3* Capturing interest/establishing pace
This captured my interest immediately with its original approach. The story moved along well and was not too long drawn out.

*Check5* Characterisation
Your characters had substance and personality; Pencil deferential and lacking in confidence; Pen measured and self-assured.

*Checkr* Dialogue
Your use of dialogue is appropriate.

*Check3* Description/place/time/mood
There are some interesting descriptions, which set the mood well. The philosophical tone is apt. I liked the way Pen encourages Pencil and how the two characters co-operate in completing the task at hand.

*Check4* Presentation.
You made a good attempt at separating the work into paragraphs. You might consider redrafting a little to separate out the speech of the two characters and putting an extra line between paragraphs to make it easier to read

*Checkr* Overall impression
I liked the way you gave character and personality to two inanimate objects. You made them very believable. However, it might be useful to proof-read a little more, as there were some minor issues, for example, “While I was wondering the same, except for you, my friend!..." doesn't quite make sense.

Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,
teerich

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Review of The night before  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there. Dhu-glass (That sounds a bit Scottish to me)
A poetry review from the *Suitheart*

*Smile*
I'm teerich. I am reviewing your piece because it appeared when I clicked the random review button. Anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day. *Butterflyv*

*Flowerp* Personal Impression
This was a well-written poem on a popular seasonal theme.

*Flowerv* Tone & Mood
The tone captures the mood of the piece well. At first, quite jocular but with a serious point to make at the end about the over-commercialisation of Christmas. It is a good pastiche of a well-known Christmas song.

*Flowery* Rhyme, Form & Flow
The rhymes flow naturally and the form of the original is well imitated.

*Flowerw* Emotional Impact
I empathise with the sentiments expressed. This, and other religious celebrations seem to have turned into an orgy of commercialism. People seem to have missed the point entirely.

*Flowerb* Grammar/Punctuation
There are no grammatical errors that I can see. However, I think that you need to look at where you have put commas and full stops at the end of one or two lines.
Egs:
Verse 1, line 2 has a full stop, but is not the end of the sentence.
Verse 2, line 1 is a stand alone sentence and should have a full stop rather than a comma.
A lot of the lines seem to have unnecessary commas, but that is only my opinion.

*Flowert* Poetry Devices noticed and used effectively
Good adherence to the form of the original.
An effective rhyme scheme.

Well done!

Sincerely,
teerich
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Review of Haiku-Winter  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi LinnAnn

I thought I would check out your page since you liked my 3 word Thursday. I am really glad I did.

I really like haiku and yours is just dandy. I like the way you have contrasted spring and winter. I particularly like the idea of a spring which 'emerges softly'. It's like a lovely season sandwich.

Keep the faith.

Terri


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Review by Teerich - 2019
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great story. I am not sure how much you need it condensed but there are passages which could be reduced. Here are a few suggestions to start you off.

For example:
'This will sound unbelievably strange.' As an briefer opening line.

'A misty fog lingered after the recent rain. From the hook by the door I lifted my hooded cape, a gift from Grandma, and went for a walk.

An old memory of a meadow produced an irresistibly-overwhelming urge to be there. I started to run, faster and faster.

Pop! The meadow suddenly appeared. Right in the middle was an incredibly-bright double rainbow. I laughed out loud and shielded my eyes.

I peeked between my fingers and there she was. I pulled my hands apart. She disappeared! I shade my eyes again. She reappeared in the gaps between my fingers, mirroring my actions, a confused look on her face.

She was PINK. Everything, frilly dress, shoes, hooded cape just like mine. We both blended in beautifully with our own dimensions. "


Well, you get the idea. Just rephrase your sentences and remove a lot of the repetition.
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Review of Dance of Life  
Review by Teerich - 2019
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi there, prosperous snow

A poetry review from the *Suitheart*

*Smile* I am reviewing your piece because it was on Lexy' page and I had written on the same title. Anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day. *Butterflyv*

*Flowerp* Personal Impression
Although short this was a pithy piece which aptly describes how we do our stuff.

*Flowerv* Tone & Mood
The tone is upbeat and positive. It evokes the intensity of mood which hits us when we are being creative.

*Flowery* Form & Flow
It flows well and has a strong tempo.

*Flowerw* Emotional Impacting
It has a very uplifting quality about it. I like the idea of metaphors and similes which 'boogie across the page'.


*Flowerb* Grammar/Punctuation
No problems apparent.

*Flowert*
The form used was an appropriate vehicle for this subject. Succinct and to the point.

Keep the faith.

Sincerely,
teerich
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Review of Fibonacci  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dave

I was browsing and the title of this intrigued me as I was once a Maths teacher and always found the Fibonacci sequence elegantly elemental.

Your melding of the two concepts of maths and poetry is inspired and inspiring. The symmetry of natural things tell me that there is an intrinsic link between the two and your imagery is a wonderful evocation of that synergy.

Your concise choice of words is excellent. As usual, you have opened up an avenue of exploration to my questing soul.

Terri


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Review by Teerich - 2019
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Liam

This is an interesting and thought-provoking concept. Often we are so intent on what we are doing that we forget the diversity of possibilities available. This is a timely reminder to consider alternatives before posting a review.

Thank you for this prompt to do so.

Go with the flow.

Terri
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Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there, Isola

*Smile*
I'm teerich. I am reviewing your piece because I found it on the review request list. Anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day. *Butterflyv*

*Flowerp* Personal Impression
I thought this summed up the angst of a young man quite well and gave some good advice.

*Flowerv* Tone & Mood
The tone was appropriate and the mood had just the right amount of lightness.

*Flowery* Rhyme, Form & Flow
Rhymes were appropriate and unforced. However, some of the couplets did not seem to flow as well as others.
Couplet 1, line 2: the stress on 'commence makes it stilted. I suggest 'progress' as an alternative.
Couplet 2, line 1 needs another syllable to make it flow like couplet one; inserting 'far' in front of 'too' perhaps?
Couplet 3, line one doesn't flow well; 'foolish how we rush life to start' could be an alternative.
Couplet 5, line 1: I would suggest 'as you fret and life seems to pass you by'. Line 2 I would suggest 'with head held high'
Couplet 6, line 1: remove the comma and insert 'and'
Remember these are only my suggestions.

*Flowerw* Emotional Impact
I liked the sentiments expressed in this poem. They constitute excellent advice to a tentative young man.

*Flowerb* Grammar/Punctuation
There should be an apostrophe in 'it's' in line 2 of couplet 2.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Sincerely,
teerich
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Review of Patchwork Window  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there.
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*Smile*
I'm teerich. I am reviewing your piece because I found it while browsing the poetry postings. Anything I say is just my humble opinion. Use whatever you can and send the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day. *Butterflyv*

*Flowerp* Personal Impression
This was an interesting concept. The stream of consciousness is a good format.

*Flowerv* Tone & Mood
I like the mysterious tone of this poem. At first it appears descriptive but then it goes into a more esoterical mood.

*Flowery* Rhyme, Form & Flow
Although in free verse, you have an interesting, reverse-rhyming, alliteration sequence in the last three lines of the first stanza, where the first two syllables the same.

*Flowerw* Emotional Impact
I like the idea of the 'Patchwork Woman' who hides behind the 'barrier window'.

*Flowerb* Grammar/Punctuation
Suggestions
Stanza1: line 4: a comma at the end.
Stanza 3: line 2, a comma at the end; line 5' consider putting an extra space before the word 'l o n g',(I misread it, as the 'l' looks like a capital 'i'.

Keep the faith.

Sincerely,
teerich.

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