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576
576
Review by Tinker
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi Rhyssa,
I 've reviewed your poem When the Lights Go Off. What I write is simply my observation and opinion. Use whatever you choose and discard the rest.

Title - Appropriate and intriguing.

Imagery - Clear imagery from "pulling down lines and pulling up stakes"
"the mélange of magic noise"
"the echo
of calliope screaming"
simile - "we scurry like cockroaches fleeing from light"
"shines fifteen miles then fades out of sight"
"just gloomy cots"

Rhyme, Repetition abcabc defdef ghighi Some alliteration mélange of magic The rhyme was subtle, well done.

Rhythm - the last stanza is awkward the lines don't flow fluidly

Structure, Form - 3 sixains rhymed abcabc etc. no consistent meter

Grammar/Punctuation - no punctuation used. Syntax is smooth until the last stanza and it gets a little confusing.

Theme - Behind the glitz and glamor of the circus, is a more sinister face.

Overall Impression - I thought this was interesting, although it never really showed the fake and the fear.

Thanks for reading my comments.

~~Tink

https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/194...
577
577
Review of DEPRESSION  
Review by Tinker
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Maria,
As part of my effort to contribute to the Writing.com community here is my review of your poem "Depression". What I write is simply my observation and opinion. Use whatever you find helpful and discard the rest. I hope you will offer me the same courtesy if you ever run across my work. I always endeavor to improve my writing and feedback from others gives me valuable insight. Thanks.

I've read your poem four times, twice out loud. Here is what I think:

My first impression I love acrostics, I love short poems, I want to review this one.

The tone of your poem was obviously dark, you use heavy words to communicate the emotion. Good word choices.

Form - An Acrostic with the word Depression spelled out which was effectively used. I think by also titling the poem Depression, you are getting a little telly. You don't need to tell us, the reader gets it from the word choices in the poem. If it were mine, I's look for a different title.

The rhythm and flow Well it is free verse with acrostic so it is is smoother in some places more than others.

"procrastination explodes" "sadness is stark raving" were so right on.

Emotion Well that is a given.

Grammar/Punctuation Because of the form, this was not expected.

Poetic Devices the acrostic is really not a form it is a poetic device

Overall Although I am not normally prone to depression, while reading I found myself saying "yes, that is so true".

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.

~~Tink
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