A quick review from a member of the Power Reviewers Group~I can see why you won this contest. A good read, though of course sad. Clever to tease with the silver bracelets which brought a gypsy image to mind before I read your poem. Wrong bracelets for sure. Hope this is based on a news article and not a real life experience.(Not that I think you just got out of jail or anything...) If it is from your life, writing certainly is the way to deal with this sort of event and make it into something we can all appreciate. Happy New Year and success with more writing!
Review from Power Review Board request. Sorry, no image, forgot. Just feel like I want you to repeat the chorus in the same way the song does so I can keep singing! Very cute and fun to sing to children. Had not thought of making pine trees from iced upside down ice cream cones. Great idea! Merry merry~
"Invalid Item" I am new to poetry, so I am not sure if this is a special form. It certainly reads easily, and of course the sentiment is very sweet. I like the way the first stanza goes from a glance, to a real look to a touch to being close. Nice transition. The reader gets to follow in the progression of the relationship. I also like the ending. It is a satisfying closure to a sweet poem.
This is a small part of your Nuclear Review~ Well. I am very sad for this gal. Sounds like Southern California to me; the Agave, the spiders, the apricot tree. I have a description in a vague, somewhat negative perspective.Well done except that I see what the character is seeing. I am not sure I would keep reading because she has had had a hard time albeit, but she is seeing so much from a negative side.I want to like this girl, but I need something positive from her, not just that she is the narrator. Why are her memories important to the reader? Give me a reason to care~I think I know something of this girl...me...
image:1727365 Wow! I am late to this story. I have such a wonderful experience myself here at WDC, but not to this expreme. I don't really have anything to say about your heartfelt words except that I know, I KNIW, it helps to write., write these things down. We all go through the same things in our lives and to read it can only pull us all closer together. Best wishes to you and your writing~
This poem kinda hurts. Stirring emotion with words is a writer's gift. I am disturbed at no monument and can think of various ways that could have happened. Some places allow ash scattering, some don't. In the end, your poem is so much more than a piece of granite with the traditional few words of description. I hope you have been able to share it with anyone else missing Michael. I read through your heart failure story briefly. I am so glad that you have turned to writing to examine what you went through and put it out there for others to see. I totally agree with the idea that we can go anytime. Make nice, be nice, and appreciate everyday~ Best wishes to you. Happy Thanksgiving, too!
Very cute. I thought I would return the very nice review you did for me with one for you. What a selection to chose from, but I chose this one. Glad I did, always like to smile, and this poem is full of a very visible baby vs. grandparents scenario. I like "I let her grab me" as if the baby understands their age. The clacking dentures and "she can't see" give the baby that satirical adultness that makes this poem so fun. Also, "my mom comes in, I falsely cry", isn't that the case? They lather affection on the parent who picks them up as if they have had a horrible time with the grandparent. Hilarious. Thanks for the smiles~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Beautiful. Much more uplifting than my poem! Hard not to think of what the future held for most tribes of the west; the tribes of the east already reduced to a handful. I love that we can honor their culture and their memory here. I love the line "Every drum beat...village." If I ever had to move out of the country, my grief, though less unjust, might feel similar in the separation. Best luck with the contest, though we all know it is only part of the writing journey~
I don't know. I think this is excellent and much more poetic than my attempt. I really like the lines "leaving burdens...midnight wind." and "I will be victorious or I will be no more." You have a good knowledge of Native American thought and traditions. I love the culture and research it constantly for I have a gothic tale to write...someday. Thank you for the review and best wishes to you. I honor and salute you as a warrior for our freedom. I can only imagine what you saw, did, and live with. I have empathy if not direct knowledge. Writing connects us all here at WDC. See you around~
Welcome to Writing.com.! I like the way this poem/prayer/song sounds. I like to read a poem before I worry about much else. It is very native American, and I love the use of the relative words; father, mother, grandfather. Now a couple suggestions to consider. They are offered as an aid, not a critique. I would like line 3 to use "have" instead or "are", and mother "won't" instead of "don't" in line 4. A comma after "tears", and have you thought about punctuation at the ends of the lines? Sometimes that helps the reader identify a pause, an end, or a question.I can almost hear a drum beating when I recite your poem~ This review is brought to you from the Power Reviewers group one of the many activities here. Have fun! Keep writing! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This review is brought to you from the Power Reviewer's Group. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** . Hello! Welcome to Writing.com (WDC). You will find lots of good information and help here as well as fun things to do to continue writing! Although what you have posted is a rather rough draft and if you read it again you will find many of your typos, etc, I hope you will continue with this piece you have started. Your story is an important one to tell. I can hear in your words you are rushing to tell your story. Writing is a great way to firm up your thoughts as well as heal. So don't be shy. Do the hard work. Keep writing!
I am part of the Power Reviewer's group, but also I wanted to reciprocate the nice review you did for me~ There is a very internal/external war going on for me in this poem. There is the window pane and what is outside and real vs. her inner thoughts and how she is going to survive her heartache. Then there is the almost absurd question about the rhubarb. I am not sure if you chose rhubarb as a specific plant or just because it is a plant that is not as popular as others. In the garden plant world there is almost no better survivor. If you ever visit old homesteads, you can still often find a rhubarb plant somewhere. With the sun's "light of long promising days" I think she will be alright.
This review is brought to you through the Power Reviewers Group.Please take my suggestions as just that. They are meant to help and in no way criticize. Welcome to Writing Dot Com! This is a wonderfully positive place to get help with your writing and in turn help others. You are off to a fun start with Saya's adventure. I like all the parts and of course a castle always helps! The description of the adviser(is it or or er?) is very good. I would like it better if it traveled down her in the order: white gown, sash, boots. In the next sentence you speak of "the" mask and I would like "a" mask better. Then she asked "Oh, to what...to." I think one too many "to's".Before that description you describe the library where she is sitting"small pathway for the two.." I think a different preposition such as "on which or through which" would sound clearer. One other error and then I will stop. Trivis is talking and Saya thinks ""His words leaves" and that should be leave. Have fun with your adventure and I hope you enjoy this site as much as I have.
I am ready to play! Sounds like you are a cat person, but you allow dogs as well, ha-ha. I was hoping to find a cat something in your portfolio, and I did! I like "for fifteen bucks..Herding Boot", so like a board or video game. I also like the image of Scoot getting his claws stuck in the curtain-very cattish Very cute idea~ Thanks!
This review is coming as a result of your request from the Power Reviewers Group. I am a little older than you and so September 11, 2001 came while I was at work, but the day JFK was shot I was in seventh grade. Your story reminded me of my memory of that day. I thank you for writing it down for us all to never forget how we felt that day. I found a few things you may wish to fix. The sentence that ends with "didn't they" needs a question mark. "check on her, and found her needs the comma. Another comma is needed at "doorway, and". A while should be awhile. Otherwise I would suggest changing a few of the hyphens to periods. A couple go a long way. I like them as a pause, but too many made me stutter step. Well done otherwise, realistic and a friendly voice. Best wishes and keep writing!
I am not sure if there is a name for what you did with your free verse, the shape of the lines reflecting the ideas within. Pretty special, really. I love to read a poem for its sound first and then pay closer attention to what the poet is saying, but I had no problem following the ideas as they were written. Maybe it matched my mood. I liked the lines "Unlike so many poets...I cannot tell the tale.." It is not always in crisis mood that we feel the depth of life's experiences. I hope I understood that to be your meaning. At least that is what it meant to me, left with a sighing smiles and the ability and necessity to go on.
Very unlikely indeed, but funny. I think maybe I could be a member, ha-ha. I love the comment "onions on hamburger" like he knows a fart by its smell. Great imagination! Best wishes with the contest.
This is a lovely memoir that you can have for generations to come. They will have a better understanding of the times and the depth of your love for their ancestors. There are a few mistakes, but I don't wish to tear this piece apart. In two places I saw semi-colons that perhaps did not belong there. Semi-colons are tricky and join two sentences about the same subject together. If you can say "that is" instead of the punctuation and read to the end of sentence with the same meaning, then a semi-colon is correct. I think a few details could be left out like the part about your son and saying you beat him. It has such a different feeling from the rest of this well done piece.
You really wrote this in 1977? Amazing because it reads just like a rap song, but there was no rap back then! I think the cadence is great,I like to read a poem for that and you have done well. I think the subject is still as poignant today as 1977. I think there may be a couple spelling mistakes you might want to fix: error's and get's don't need apostrophes ('). In the first line, barriers has a typo, and Herioc, and lifes should be lives. I can feel the passion of your questions.
Great images of fall. I love the second line and the the smell of the bread cooking,; it brought me right into your view with my nose!. The squirrels definitely are working in my area of the woods. I should be making zucchini bread myself! Thanks for sharing~
I like to read a poem first to get a feeling for the flow and then worry about what it is saying. It felt like a water going down a drain, taking me to see where this poet's thoughts were going. I noticed a couple errors you might wish to fix,"All" at the beginning, "father's", I, not "i", knew, not "new", man's hotel. I like the line "Yet no rejoice, no jaded tears..." yes, I think a comma might be missing there. The last line is a bit much for me, but of course that is just my opinion. The Dantes' cave part I guess was overload for me. Perhaps you could end with the poet being all alone again. Sad thoughts, but well written.
Be careful with the no capitals. You as the writer know when the pauses are. I, as the reader have to pay closer attention because I have learned to see the capitalization coming and know it is the end of a sentence. Then at the end, you use some capitals, probably because grammar check wouldn't let you do otherwise? I am seeing his face and the emotions there, but I do not see a pirate. I need some pirate stuff somehow. A patch?, a dark sneer, the reflection of the seven seas? I don't know, but Maybe the pirate is just a symbol of her risking her love? Anyway, an intriguing part. Who doesn't like a dangerous affair with a pirate, ha-ha!
I like the cadence of your story. It marches on with a sort of panic to it. Unfortunately, I do not like the run on sentences. Too many phrases and I forget what we were talking about. I think if you reread it and maybe even out loud, you will see what I mean. In the sentence that has the phrase " the minute my eyes..." you could end that sentence there and start the next with "Her eyes were the mystery, yes" could be another sentence making your point stronger, I think. Then go on with "the mystery..." as a new sentence. You can use a ; between that and the next phrase which describes the first. They are connected about the mystery. If in doubt about a semi-colon, just see if the words :That is" fit, then a semi-colon is useful. In the sentence, Iam wondering..." it needs a question mark at the end. There may be some more corrections, I don't want to pick this apart, but you are ready to work on this to make it the best it can be and the beginning of something grand!
A cheerful prayer indeed. I caught a couple mistakes which may or may not be necessary. "Seams should probably be "seems". One "him" isn't capitalized, the one after "trust". Is the last phrase borrowed from elsewhere. I like it, but can't tell except for the quote marks. Best wishes to you and your strong faith!
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