It is a cute premise with all the flower and gardening references. I would like more. There are a couple places I would change some words such as I would like a more old fashioned formal fairy word instead of "bad news", and with "whom" we belong at the end. The last sentence is very important.I would break it up into two or three sentences to make it stronger.
Good poem and rhyming scheme. It is fable-esque. I stumbled over "airways" and hope you might find a different word there. As food for fishes, I don't think he is going to warn anyone else unless he lost some article of clothing or something. Minor point. Fun to read.
I liked this poem very much. I am not sure if I over interpret these things, but to me he is going to overpower her, sexually, politically, whatever. I am on her side, but I would have been anyway. She is so much better a person. I like how you said all this to me with so few words. I think I can take him, especially if he keeps drinking, so she can get away.
Well, not my favorite subject, but I get what you have created. I am so sorry that the suicide resulted in the reality for those left behind. That is probably always the case. I would look for a different word describing the beautiful eyes now glossy, dead-need a new thought there. Otherwise, it moves OK, just dismal. :)
Oh darn, you just wrote about a bunch of people's fears. I am not even on that page (yet), but quite few here at WDC are, What can I say, Well written, not cheeky, the facts. Hope the best for her and coming up with a new "work" I am just starting my second book and feeling lazy. So here I am reviewing, trying to get it together. Come muse, come!
Nice description. I am with you most of the way. I love the train, but ours isn't as seedy as yours, I think. Maybe west coast versus east coast. There are a couple errors you will catch if you read it aloud. I would like the comment "smelt" changed. That may be a word, but I am not sure. Good place for a simile, the table smelled like an old garbage disposal, you know what I am saying anyway. I also tripped up on the blond who he knew dyed her hair, but then didn't know whether it was called bleaching, seems like he would know. I could see the skinny jeans strangling her legs, though. Maybe make some other comment about the hair or further describe what he could see of her. I know from writing class you are supposed to move up or down, or in or out with your focus of what you are describing. Something to think about. All in all, a moment on the train with you. Thanks!
That was fun, witty, informative and very well written. You have a great voice, one I am after as well. Your article reminded me of the game show Let's Make A Deal when they asked women for random things from their purses. Anyway, one could almost make an anthropological study of this subject and moreover, the changes during the decades of what women had in their purses. Gone are the powder puff, Doublemint chewing gum, and as you said, aspirin.
This was a random review and I see that it an old poem from you.Not sure how all this works. Anyway it is good one. It has a good cadence as if marching into the tomb. The imagery is easy to visualize and I imagine if I were standing in such an ancient place thinking of how it was built, I might have similar thoughts if not stated so well.
Is this a paper for school? The first paragraph has good meat in it and you define your subject and get going. There are quite a few grammar mistakes such as ending the sentence with a preposition"put them in". The last sentence of para 2 throws me off. it sounds clever but seems so off from everything else you were talking about. I think it opened a different ball of wax that you do not pursue. You do not explain conditioned reinforcement in para 3 , but dive in with the example of drug use. I think we need to understand what it is before following what you are saying about addiction and how it is conditioned reinforcement. Para 4 is interesting as you speak about the piob=neers of this theory. At the end though I feel like off camera someh=one has said to drag it out another sentence or two. I think a new paragraph about your video would be appropriate and a little better explanation of how it is relevant without just saying it is. "The dog follows a command because he receives a treat as you'll see in the video. Thus showing..." Hope this is helpful and you have more energy for this paper.
Good description, I can see it clearly. The flipping of object and verb is Ok, but tripped me a couple times. It reads more like a poem. "the snow so thick its fall". When talking about the lantern: "It was there. It always is made me pause. For me it would read better to keep them the same tense. When talking about the chimney, but was a welcome sight", you could leave out the was or add a subject, there's that poem sound again. Write On!
I am so sorry for this person because I don't think she's coming. I think the language is simple, but anyone who has experienced this married or not, knows the pain. I didn't like "spoiled brat" You said "get you way" in the previous stanza, so maybe something else could be promised if she came back.(but I don't think she is). :(
I like your thought pattern or at least what I am determining is your meaning. I like how it gets excited in the 2nd and 3rd stanzas. Then to calm down again, the bass beats...noises fade into ...hearing though the feedback, I don't understand the evaporate at the end. Maybe a musical reference or something about becoming deaf or something really quiet at the end. He returns to the sky because now there is the music so he can reach it, maybe?
Yep, lost loves wander through our minds sometimes. Just a couple suggestions. I would leave out "as the" before dove. The metaphor is strong. Something about the line "rending...unkind" I guess the specter is unkind to tear at the author's heart with memories, but it bothers me that the memories are not unkind or you wouldn't care about them. So, I don't know, just a little twist there for me. Nice rhyming. It wasn't too obvious. I hope that a new love comes the poet's way to prove this all wrong!
Thank you for writing this concise query letter advice. I have read several articles about the subject and still had questions, but I am feeling better now. The format is easy to browse, and the information within each section gives enough without reiterating.
I like to judge a poem by its sound first and foremost and yours bobs me up and down in the waves of the oceans perfectly. I like the seesaw of lines such as "moving mountains and skipping stones" and "from book of truth to one of myth"I have to say I thought the trident hearted monster was on nature's side and trident hearted doesn't sound positive(cool, but not positive), yet I am routing for nature, right? I am putting my interpretation out there and you can explain if you wish or write me off, if I missed the point. Breezed out to the cliffs (of Africa?)is nice,too. anyway, I have some minor corrections, too: "go cut the tool", I want a different verb "find" or something, * "outdrew" out drew or withdrew? "It's her"... It's she we celebrate today. Read it aloud every once in awhile with a new heart. Meanwhile keeping writing! Sara
I like your idea for your story. I think it is a fun way to contrast and compare these various deities. There are quite a few grammatical mistakes and I don't know if you have a word processing program that can help you with them. Mostly there is some comma problems and once in awhile a tense or word choice. Also the format for conversation. Take a look at other books and where the commas and quotation marks go. I would be happy to elaborate if you need help. I would like to see some younger slang that keeps the age group more appropriate. An occasional comment such as a "sweet" or "cool", I don't know. Not sure why Venus and the other gal have to do anything in the river. That was disturbing to me. Not what I want to watch. I did not completely get when the ants are freed and fight and go into thin air. I don't think that Buddhists would fight, and I guess if you want God to be around to fight Satan later, you might want to get rid of everyone else. Anyway, you have your work cut out for you. Editing for punctuation, and making sure the action flows. I was focused while in the classroom, but you lost me a bit when they went out. Then at the ant contest, I was learning about the different groups, but no longer with God and Aphro. Maybe a conversation in there to bring the focus back to them. I liked the tie into Satan as God warns he will be in the contest soon. It made a good ending. I am still a little worried about the sex part. Let me know if you want some specifics. I have taken alot of notes, but it would require some time. We could trade reviews, maybe. If this critique has hurt your writing feelings in any way, I am sorry because more than anything, I want you and evryone on this site to keep writing!
Nice. I really liked it. I have no corrections to suggest. It flows well. I am new here so I don't know about the 908 words, but I am thinking it was a prompt and I am amazed at how each of us' brains can come up with these vinettes, and sometimes very quickly, and it feels good to do so. We have all arrived at a party where we knew only one person and felt that discomfort, that fear. I do not have much problem beyond that, but when I imagine folks such as your character here, I try to remember that feeling. The fear can grow inproportionaely especially if it is reinforced with outside negativity or someone else's fear(like a mother's) . Anyway, your story come off very naturally, not overly dramatic.
Nice to preserve such exploration for the future in poetry. Can't say I would have tackled such a feat, but I am thinking maybe you ere involved with the missions somehow. I think it reads well, and I like to judge a poem by its sound first off and foremost before worrying about anything else and of course the format is formal and best for telling this story. I think this could be used in grade school to ignite kids to look up more about the things you so cleverly mention. I lived through this era, but there are going to be so many "on the shoulders" that didn't. I think it a noble effort that you have saved the visit in rhyming lines! I don't know anything I would change, just not the subject for everyone.
I am not the best at figuring out all the symbols of a poem. I have to at least like the sound of it first. Your lines are lulling and maybe I am tired, but the nightfall allusions are nice. I would like more, so that I could take a better guess at the symbols and who she is.
I can see you are building a community to write about and I get it from your description. I think some work on using a different word here and there would help, but the voice of Raiku is simple, so you don't want to make him/her sound any wiser than you want him/her to be. Don't assume important things like the "war with humans". What war? Will you be telling more? How important is it. Also, don't get lazy at the end of the chapter. Finish up strong. I am not a science fiction fan, so not my best genre to compare to any other stories I've read.
I like the way your poem looks, the down down down the page gives movement to your words that is unique. Not sure what rose has fallen, but it may be you will find it there in the darkness. Hope more poems are coming.
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