Cute. Yes, children make us adults re-examine the world with new eyes. Their wonder and their questions form who we are. I think spatterened is supposed to be something else, patterned?" Not sure. I kinda want the ladybug to be a a female, "She could not stay..." I watched ladybugs eating aphids today! Sara
Sounds like an escape from abuse. So true that the author has the spirit intact. Unfortunately, most abuse victims have damaged self esteem and cannot put this much strength together. Poetry and stories can help. There should be a contest about abuse recovery works. This would make a great entry. I suppose one would want to keep their trials private, but here at WDC we have to trust each other to read and review with some compassion and care. Keep up the good work. I hope this was not about you, Sara
Unlike most women, Audrey makes a break. Many women can identify with her, but probably aren't going to pull off the separation. It is fun to read about and that is our job, to entertain. My daughter is in a relationship that mimics this story way too close. Wish I could send it to her anonymously! Keep up the hard work of writing, Sara
Well, what would you expect? There are probably stories like this every night in every town with a dubious venue for bands just wanting to play some music! Not to take away from your story, but if you have seen this and hate it, you might not want to read about it, also. Glad you wrote it down so you will always remember it. The run on sentences go with a kind of breathless retelling of the story, as do the "&"'s. There are a couple typos you would catch is you read it again. I like the accumulative names, "drunk ex-pizza guy", goes with the humourous tone. I also like the ending, mundane existence and all.
This poem is pertinent to this day, sadly. With the folks coming back from these wars with IUD injuries, it is especially poignant. As you said, though, "my love returned", but often it is a empty hollow of the person who was once there. Must be so hard for couples and people with older children. So wish on a star there could be some other way to resolve these issues we keep getting in the middle of. Peace~ Sara
OK, so we are off on a story of a woman dealing with the options that God gives, chose evil or good. Of course, we are routing for her, but is she strong enough? So,I will read the first chapeter which is what you want readers to do. I think the next to last paragraph still needs work with too many "plans" and the Almighty One's plans twice. I like the paragraph where she is questioning herself. Work hard. I think you have a message to deliver.
Cute! I always think about this when I am doing in wasps at my faucets or slapping a mosquito as poet did. I think there is a balance, and I think God understands. I hope so because I have done in quite a few things including a rattle snake last week! I like the rhyming scheme and the tone, almost like a nursery rhyme.
Very beautiful imagery.I want to be there as I can see it. I like the last two stanzas better than the first ,shorter one. I would prefer the waves "feeding music..." rather than the colors of the sunset doing so. Maybe there could be reflection off the sky or something to tie the two together. I think you have watched this all take place as clear as it is. Thanks for the view!
I glanced at your "location", and I fear I am looking at this poem on a unilateral plane,. For me it is a glimpse of the period of American history during which I would have loved to live through. I can see the mud(though you use a variation of the word twice), I can see the swollen river, rather than "Sioux", you could describe the almost enemy, but still I get it. I wish it had way more verses because I was enjoying the ride. The flip in the middle is both visual and phonetic, and poetic. I am not a poet, and this form may have a name, but if not, you are very clever.
It's bull that folks would review for any other reason than to help or learn from other's offerings. I have seen how much I have already learned when I read others who are just getting to the gate. By the same token, I appreciate the wisdom of those who have been on the range much longer than I. We are a community and there are all types of critters here! Moo on! Sara
Great job. Fun read. Yes, we all have this in us and the sooner it is identified, the better! I liked all your images, purple duvet, collar for kitty. The rhyming made it fun to read. I hope this is not a real part of your life, though often their is one partner who is more materialistic than the other...As a writer you have nailed it down, now to show others...Keep up the hard work!
I have not heard that saying. I have some similar ideas, but not with the word "kill". So, I just thought of kill as fulfill or perform until you die or something and then I liked it. For me the word "kill" will always bring a different message. Keep up the hard work!
It iis an interesting concept and maybe we should all do it for ourselves. I am not going to identify grammar problems as there were not that many of them. I would say that some of the things you said mean most to you and the reader is OK with it all, but we might not care as much. I mean we had stuffed animals, too, but not the same as yours...I got a little lost in the timeline. She is 17 now or then? You talk about jr.high and highschool and "saying yes to a boy" sounds like marriage at 17? So might want to make that more clear. Interesting idea. Keep writing!
I liked the first two stanzas and they had a nice rocking sound to them. Then I got thinking about his bride and two "rights" in a row and The sound changed drastically. I like to hear a poem before I pay attention to the words. So I started to listen closer but after his fear about his marriage fading to black, as most everyone probably fears at one time, the last stanza left me wondering. The zen pretensions wasn't easy to say or understand. I hope you could work on the last two stanzas and get back to the poetic imagery and sound of the first two. Incorporate those ideas, but keep the format you had started.
Sometimes it is not that the plot is flat, but that I cannot identify at all with the characters. As a heterosexual, I have a hard time ready lesbian encounters and such. I also never know what to say to someone who has written a version of another person's ideas ala Hunger Games or Twilight. Interesting to see the results. Thanks!
That was fun. Yes, the beach senario is a favorite "happy place" for me! I noticed you went from present tense in the first paragraph to past tense in the second. Probably need to pick one or the other. The only other little thing that caught me while reading was "a couple of" children. I don't know why, but it did. I want it just to say "two", not sure why, just me. Best wishes for a vacation, ha-ha.
I think this is really a poem written in prose form. I wonder if you changed the format if it would read even better. It has that sort of sound to me. I hope you are happier and realize how brave you were to make appropriate changes rather than staying put in misery. I get all that from your piece.
I really liked your story. It is one of the best things I have read on this wonderful site. I liked how you told the facts without it being dragged down. I was with you most of the way until the end. I wish the bank scene could have been less out front. I was lulled with the otherwise prosaic way you had told the story. Not sure what I am getting at. I guess I wanted the conflict with her mother to sink in a little more before she tossed her up -to- that- time life away and was so flippant with the banker, but that's just me. Great job!
I like to hear a poem before I worry about what it is saying. At times, there was a rhyming scheme and other times it changed or disappeared. It didn't make it too difficult to read, but I longed for the rhyme to continue or return. I think the line "she fought even though it was rough" could change to he was rough, maybe as it would be scarier and not so commonplace, but not a big deal. Write on!
Very sweet eulogy for your cousin. I like the image of the drum lost in the forest. You can hear it, but it is far away. I also like the idea of his mark left like a fossil, permanent, though currently separated. I didn't understand the helium, but I did like the balloon popping to release sounds of memories, such as folks speaking at a funeral. Good job. I hope it helped your grief.
Back to reviewing for a bit to get my own writing hood on. I liked your story and was sucked in by the by line. I am prepared, unlike so many others. If the end comes, I want to know I was nice while it lasted. I found a couple things to suggest; hope you can find them. And he could see, too. I think it is stronger without the "too". Most readers get it. The boy has major problems. "how long he slept for." Again, I would leave out the "for", plus it's a prep. at the end of a sentence. "and into the mist, "it" began to fade. It is a longer sentence and it helps to put some subject back in there for me. "Sandy" was this a typo?, I hope so. Why "i "should ramble, another typo, I think. At the end I want him to head South or maybe North into the dawn as you said at the beginning that the sun rose in the north. It reminds us that things have changed. OK, I hope there is 401 generations or we are all screwed.
I liked the sound as the "or" sounds all came together. I like to hear a poem before I worry about what it is saying. I think you did well and turned the heart into an object outside of the body. I didn't like the word "stomped' and wish there was a different image there. The pieces on the floor, they could be sharp or brittle or carelessly left or something. Stomped on was too strong for me. Keep writing! Cheers, Sara
Sweet rhyme. I like to read a poem first and then worry about what it is saying. Your message is obvious, cheering up someone you love, a part of love, a virtue of love, maybe even the true meaning of love. For better or worse the ceremony says. Best of luck with your writing!
I am interested in your story. I am not the greatest reviewer as I don't want to rain on your parade in any way. You might hear from others that you need to work on your narrative hook. I see some things you have developed to lead the reader on, the relationships, the fire, etc. You might just want to make some part suggest what is to come so as a reader you know what you should be paying attention to. Is it Jeremy? Is it a gang? Put a carrot out there at the end to make us go to chapter 2 to find out. It was left in a way the boys might never be seen again, and as long as Allison was in bed when her mother checked all was well. So tickle the reader with a question or an unresolved emotion that Allison has or? I jotted some little things down. Hope you can identify them: "hours cut shamefully down" shame on the boss? maybe a different adjective, "left, toward" I don't think you need that comma, "some older than she" might need to rework sentence she...she part, "plus nine years of perfect ...", eight seems like an early curfew unless it is winter, "window..had left a light on", leave out left because window didn't leave it on, "only two awake " except they just went by the bar, only two young girls dressed in black awake, ha-ha, If this is helpful and you want me to, I will take a look at Chapter 2 at some point. Here's to us both being better writers! Sara
You need a spell checker to go through this with you and fix the mistakes to make it easier for others to read. There are lots of problems with grammar also. That being said, you have your work cut out for you and it is worthy of that hard work. You have a fun story started here and all the elements to go on. I got a little lost with all the dreams, maybe less in a row, but otherwise, I thought the pirate's dialog was going alright, and I looked forward to seeing how she was going to get along. Slow done the pace, describe her daily life a little more each day. Good beginning!
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