Brandiwyn🎶's (tuozzo) Reviews

Review Requests: ON
434 Public Reviews Given
541 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a very detailed fiction reviewer. I'll offer first impressions, plot analysis, voice and pacing commentary, editorial corrections for shorter pieces with few errors, and favorite parts. I often have a high minimum GP offer to consider requests, varying depending on how busy I am.
I'm good at...
finding something I like about your work; giving specific examples to illustrate my feedback; and offering alternatives for addressing potential problems.
Favorite Genres
Speculative fiction of any kind, young adult, children's.
Favorite Item Types
I primarily review short stories. However, I have been known to review longer works, poetry, nonfiction, and higher-rated works for my favorite people on request.
Public Reviews
1
1

Review of In From The Cold  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, carly1967, and thank you for the opportunity to review your work. I chose this piece to review because you plugged it in the Newsfeed.

First Impressions
The first-person narrative voice jumped out at me from the first paragraph, with short sentences that evoke feelings of anger and frustration. It reads like a heartfelt confession.

Plot
You have all the elements of a good story, here. Your unnamed protagonist has an on-again-off-again relationship with her husband, Gary. She wants to be loved and respected, but she also wants to not be lonely. It might be tempting to call Gary the antagonist, but I don't think so. I think she's battling within herself, because she knows, and she's known for a long time, that Gary doesn't love or respect her. But she can't handle the loneliness of being without him. This particular snippet of their relationship is the part where, after Gary convinces her to join him in New Mexico, she discovers his affair, and she leaves him, freeing herself from his control. The story appears to have a happy ending. BUT... I'm not so sure.

Admittedly, this is the first time SHE left HIM. We learned that she moved across the country, leaving friends, family, and job behind to be with him, in the first place. She's barely settled when he wants to move again. They've been fighting, she doesn't want to go, and he leaves without her, without telling her. So it's possible that her choice to leave him this time might be the final end of their relationship. After all, the story ends on a good note, with her faith in humanity restored after the kind innkeepers helped her out, and then she had the opportunity to pay it forward with the guitar couple on the road. But in my experience, people stuck in toxic relationships often go back again. Will she stay in Spokane? Will he call her again? Will she fight loneliness again? I think it's possible.

Active Voice, Pacing and Exposition
For the most part, I enjoyed the narrative style. The narrator jumps around in time a little, and that wasn't a big problem for me. I was able to follow it, mostly. And you had some moments of great pacing due to descriptive action. But there were times where the character rambles a little too much and it sounds like heavy exposition - telling instead of showing. I'd like to compare/contrast some examples of these for you.

Great pacing: The paragraph beginning "As the snow began to fall... and ending with ...freeze to death in the car." - very dramatic!

Sluggish pacing: The next seven paragraphs. I'm having a hard time articulating why, but one thing I can say is that she jumps from one idea to another and back again in a rambling sort of way that gets confusing, like she keeps getting derailed by rationale and then trying to get back to the point, which was, Gary wanted to go to NM, but she did not. In the paragraph beginning "Why had I given..." she said, "he wanted to move to New Mexico... without me." In the second paragraph, she says he wants to go for a job, but she doesn't want to go. Then in the third paragraph, he announced his desire to move to NM.

I felt like that whole passage could have been tightened up, and it involved a lot of telling moments, such as:
Things were already not going well for us. I had my suspicions that he had been having an affair.

But then you dropped this gem, an epic example of showing:
I had seen the lipstick stains and found a credit card bill for a card I didn't even know we had.

In fact, I argue you didn't need the statement, "I had my suspicions that he had been having an affair." You could have stuck these two sentences together and left out all the rest, and it would would be a powerful showing moment that tells us everything:
Things were already not going well for us. I had seen the lipstick stains and found a credit card bill for a card I didn't even know we had.

Great pacing:
I came home to an empty house. The walls seemed to push in. I felt claustrophobic. I spent that first night out with friends, drinking, then sleeping on Becky's couch after I cried myself to sleep.

With the exception of "I felt claustrophobic" which was unnecessary "telling" when you already showed us when she said, "The walls seemed to push in."

More examples of great showing:
- the scene at the grocery store and outside it
- the scene when the snow began (and I realized that we'd reached the point where our story had started)
- the scene when the innkeepers fed her bread and soup
- the scene when the cat invades her room
- the scene when she picks up the young couple.

Final Thoughts
I did like the uplifting feeling at the end, but I also liked the fact that I found myself thinking about it later and considering the possible futures for this character, not all of them pleasant. I hope in the end, she chooses to move back to SC. It's much easier to break out of a toxic relationship with a support network surrounding you. *Heart*

Thanks again for the read. I enjoyed the story. I hope you find my comments helpful.



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2
2

Review of The Mother, The Children, The Misery  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, bboyer1991! Welcome to WDC, and thank you for the opportunity to review your work. I chose this piece to review because I noticed in scroll and in "Noticing Newbies"  that you recently joined our community.

First Impressions
The first thing I noticed was the way the story was broken up into sections, and almost immediately after, I noticed the lack of dialog. That worried me because of "the rules" - specifically that dialog and action drive plot, whereas exposition (background information that the narrator tells the reader) slows down the pacing of a story - the can't-put-down-edness, if you will. As fiction writers, if you believe all the experts, we're supposed to limit exposition, because it can read like a boring data dump. The Holy Grail of fiction feedback is "show, don't tell."

Your entire story is written like exposition, telling the happenings of entire seasons in only a few paragraphs... BUT. Those paragraphs target specific moments in time, usually the transitional moments when mama moves from one shelter to the next, and those moments are ripe with imagery. Your story not only has plenty of showing, it also has a magic element that makes breaking the exposition rule work here, and it highlights for me the magnitude of the importance of this magic element, which is...

Conflict
There's a joke about Shakespeare's plays that says he wrote two types: comedies, where one person dies, and tragedies, where everyone dies. Your piece is obviously a Shakespearean-style tragedy. I was horrified by what happened to the first baby, and then it just kept getting worse. You made me root for the mother, and then you yanked her away from me. It was heartbreaking.

Have you ever read "A Series of Unfortunate Events" by Lemony Snicket? I like to use that series as an example of how to do conflict right: always, always throw more trouble at your main characters. Just when it looks like things are going to go well, yank the rug out from under them! As authors, we grow to love our main characters, and we don't want to see them suffer. But suffering is what hooks readers and keeps them interested.

You clearly are a master of creating conflict, and not at all afraid to yank rugs out from under your characters. Bravo!

Active Voice and Pacing
The introduction was a little slow. That's not to say I didn't like the intro. It made me think of children's stories with voice-over narrators. Except, of course, that this piece is not intended for children. (On that note, you might consider bumping up your rating from "E" to ASR or 13+, because of the death element.) Your narrator seems invested in this story and other similar stories, like it's a matter of utmost importance to them. Introducing the reader to the world of poverty hidden in our backyards is a passion for this narrator. I liked how you brought that element full circle with, "I wish her story ended here." in the "Spring" section. But it does go on a little long in the opening paragraph while I'm waiting for the story to start.

Once we get into the story of this particular young woman, I devoured the rest. It moves, and you use plenty of active voice to keep it moving. Examples of active voice:
storms punctuate
rains pressured
grass hiding
one of her children would exit.

However, there are moments of passive voice that could easily be flipped to active. For example:

would have its body stuffed - She stuffed its body

It would remain stuffed - She left it there

was utterly displaced by rot - Rot utterly displaced...

Distance and time were not measured in arbitrary units, not for her. - She did not measure distance and time in arbitrary units.

she was awoken by the hideous wails - the hideous wails woke her

Imagery and other Literary Devices
Your imagery is vivid, evocative, and abundant. Some examples:

the only vacant shell they could find, an old pickup truck. Tall grass nearly hiding it from visibility, likely deserted; forfeited to nature. The red paint had long since given way to the harshness of the sun, peeling and pinkish.

The comfort of the truck was utterly displaced by the rot, and the incessant buzzing of the flies. By the time it was too overwhelming, it was too late to move the baby. It had rotted into the carpet, a semi-liquified mess, teeming with flies and maggots. (PS: Eww. *Vomit*)

the kind of wind that makes you feel like you're asphyxiating.

I also noted some great moments of simile/metaphor/personification:

The first storm came on that summer like a fever
Temperatures dropped like an anchor
interrupted only by their stomachs, which talked more than they did.

Editorial Notes
She was aware of the swelting temperatures (sweltering?)
Moments later, her oldest child was taken from her by those strangers in one quick blue (?)
There's no blank line before the "Winter" section

Final Thoughts
This piece demonstrates that you're not afraid to torture your protagonists. Your use of imagery and simile/metaphor creates a well-paced narrative that holds the interest of the reader. And I also didn't miss the moral of the story, which is that humanity needs to take better care of its poor.

I hope you find my comments helpful. Thanks again for the read.


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3
3

Review of A Letter To Any Survivors  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, jack97, and thank you for the opportunity to review your work. I chose this piece to read because you requested feedback in the "Noticing Newbies" forum. Welcome to WDC! You mentioned in the forum that you have no formal training in creative writing, so I'll explain things as if you're a complete beginner. I apologize if I overexplain.

Story
You have the bones of a great story here. I love the idea of a letter left behind. The whole work has a lot of potential! I have some ideas to help you reach that potential, if you're interested.

Exposition and Pacing
Consider your favorite fast-paced movie or TV show. What's more interesting - watching a car chase scene, or watching one character tell another character that they were in a car chase yesterday?

You'll see the phrase, "show, don't tell" in feedback often. When characters or the narrator "tell" the reader what happened earlier, rather than plopping is into the fray, that's called exposition. A small amount of exposition is fine and sometimes necessary, but a good story that's hard to put down has very little exposition. Instead, we learn things through action and dialogue.

Your piece is almost all exposition. It sort of has to be, in order to be a letter. But what if we see the main character writing the letter? They could look around the room, look out the window, pick up an object and reflect on it, talk to themself out loud, look at the decontamination setup on the kitchen counter... all while writing. Then you could reduce the details in the letter itself. Or what if we see another survivor discovering the letter?

Either way, establishing a scene where things happen will improve the pacing. Taking things out of the letter and moving them into an action sequence would help even more.

Example:
A virus that spread like wildfire, we stood no chance, it was airborne, sweats, fever, sickness, vomiting, it would catch you off guard, you feel fine one minute and the next, you were on deaths door.

Let's presume the person who finds the letter also survived the virus. Your main character would probably presume the same. So why would they tell this future survivor details about symptoms and how the virus spread? What if, instead of spelling out the details in the letter, you hint at them instead - your character experiences a wave of nausea and has a mini panic attack thinking they've finally succumbed to the virus, but then reminds themself that it's way past the incubation period, or they accidentally are a mealy apple, etc.

Editorial
I didn't have trouble following your train of thought and keeping up with the story, but you have a tendency to ramble and write run-on sentences.

Example:
I've got supplies, plenty of them, I'd decontaminate anything and everything I need to touch or take, maybe that is why I lasted so long, clean freak, scared of germs and bacteria.

In this passage, you have three independent subject/verb combinations:

I've got
I'd decontaminate
That is

You also have "I need", but that one modifies "anything and everything", so it has to stay with the "I'd decontaminate" part. But the three listed above need their own sentences, OR conjunctions connecting them (and, but, therefore, etc.) Here are some examples:

I've got supplies, plenty of them, AND I'd decontaminate anything and everything I need to touch or take, SO maybe that is why I lasted so long, clean freak, scared of germs and bacteria.

I've got supplies, plenty of them. (*Left*period) I'd decontaminate anything and everything I need to touch or take.(*Left*period) Maybe that is why I lasted so long, clean freak, scared of germs and bacteria.

Also, in this section:
...maybe that is why I lasted so long, clean freak, scared of germs and bacteria.

After the word "long", there should not be a comma because it makes it look like it's post of the series of things being listed:

(I lasted so) long
(I lasted so) clean freak
(I lasted so) scared of germs and bacteria

What you need there instead is an em dash--like this.

...why I lasted so long--clean freak, scared of germs and bacteria.

Final Thoughts
Are there animals? Maybe your character could talk to a bird?

I do love a good apocalypse story. I'm not sure if it's because it shows us the grit that humanity possesses, or just because I like to see someone with problems worse than mine. *Laugh* Either way, keep them coming!


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4
4

Review of Carrion Luggage  

for entry "Help Less" 
Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, cathartes02, and thank you for the opportunity to review your blog, and in particular, today's blog post, "Help Less" . I hope you find my comments helpful.

Blog Consistency
I've followed your blog for some time, and you do a great job of setting expectations for the reader and then meeting them every day.

- You blog daily, without fail, and usually between the hours of 8am-12pm WDC.
- Each post is a commentary on an article about various topics including writing, etymology, science, technology, food and beverage - especially adult beverage.
- Each post contains snippets from the published article that stood out to you, and for which you have a response to share with your readers. You often form your response as if you're addressing the authors of the article (or an individual quoted within the article) rather than the reader, and your use of snark is abundant.
- Your reactions to the point or message of the overall article are very fair (and to be fair, in this post, you literally said "to be fair" a number of times. *Laugh*) and relatively unbiased. You make a point of seeing every side of an argument, which is probably one of the primary reasons I enjoy your blog so much. That, and your use of comedy.

Use of Comedy
Your posts always - always - include an element of comedy. The post could be about your grandmother falling into a volcano, landing on a ledge halfway down, and dying a slow, painful death, and you'd still crack jokes. Probably more than usual, actually. Your favorite flavor of comedy is wordplay, and quite often you blog about that topic specifically. In this particular post, you highlighted that the name of the quoted psychologist is Dr. Saad, which is objectively hilarious. (In the words of Dr. Sheldon Cooper, "It's funny because it's true.) *Laugh*

Final Thoughts
One of my favorite things about your blog is how much the reader learns about you by following it. You're generous with your personal thoughts and feelings. But you share those things in a way that's relatable and relevant to the topic, so it never sounds like a pity party - or a cry for help. *Bigsmile*

Thanks again for sharing.

Cheers,
Michelle


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5
5

Review of A Box of Weeds  

for entry "🏆Migraine" 
Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, jwhitedesigns, and thank you for the opportunity to review your work. I chose this piece because you entered it into the Flash Fiction contest, and I thought you would appreciate feedback before the deadline.

First impressions:
Based on the first two paragraphs, I expected some sort of domestic story - dealing with kids, troubled marriage, financial struggles, that sort of thing, something that would cause a migraine. Maybe an unexpected health crisis. Then the glass disappeared in her hand, and I loved it immediately. It was so unexpected.

Plot:
Your word count is very limited, so we don't get the chance to explore Myra much, but we still get all the elements of a story. Myra (protagonist) wants her migraine to go away (goal), but it's not an ordinary migraine (conflict). We don't know what or who is causing the headaches (antagonist), and neither does Myra. She just knows it's happening again. She wakes up with her new family (climax) and made a decision to embrace her new life (resolution). It was an engaging plot.

Editorial:
No errors to report.

Overall Impression:
There's a supernatural element that I would love to read more about. Does it just happen to Myra / Jeannie? If she was gone five years, was she there before, as Jeannie? Or was that another unintentional voyager of space and time? It's all a bit of a mystery.

Thanks again for the read, and good luck in the contest!
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6
6

Review of It Works  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, cliffjack, and thank you for the opportunity to review your work. I chose this piece because you have submitted it to "Daily Flash Fiction Challenge" and I thought you might appreciate feedback before the midnight deadline. I'm just a reader with opinions, which you may consider or ignore as you see fit.

First Impressions:
The first thing I noticed after the title was the formatting. It's hard to tell where new paragraphs start. It would be helpful to either indent each paragraph (you can indent by using the bar across the top of the editor window - "ind" is the third icon with horizontal lines) or double hard return (hit enter twice after each paragraph to create a break between paragraphs.) It wasn't a big deal on this piece, since it was short, but I thought you might find the feedback helpful for future reference, if you write anything longer.

Then when I started reading, I noticed the simplicity of the story. I really enjoyed that about it. This character just wants to find a comfortable place to rest their tired, achy legs, and something so simple can turn into a wonderful mini adventure.

Plot:
Your protagonist is an unnamed elderly person (told in first person). Their goal is to find a place to sit and rest in the park, but the benches are all occupied (conflict). The character does find a seat on a large rock (climax), but they discover a treasure there, too (resolution). In such a short piece, you have all of the ingredients of a full story. Well done.

Grammar/Usage/Spelling/Other Editorial:
I liked this line: I used my “exercise every day muscles’ - it was cute and relatable. If you don't use it, you lose it, right? *Smile*

I thought there may have been too many exclamation points, which starts to dilute their impact.

So, I walked further on to find another first rock. - I didn't understand "first" in this sentence.

Final Thoughts:
And it works! - I'd love to hear some examples of how the coin brought good luck to this character.

Thanks again for the opportunity. Good luck in the contest. *Smile*

Literarily,
Michelle


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7
7

Review of A Broken World  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, dragonfish, and thank you for the opportunity to review your work. I am reviewing "A Broken World"  because you entered this piece into "What if...? story contest ~ Closed" and I'm helping elfmage7.

First Impression
This piece seems to take place in a dystopian future or alternate universe where Russia is the world's dominant superpower. The story begins slow, with a lot of exposition. It starts picking up a little when your protagonist, Mica, interacts with other characters (the 3rd floor office, her husband, the first dragon) and more so when she meets with the Bolivian leader and beyond.

Prompt
Your chosen prompt was clearly "What if the ability to remove memories led to people not knowing the concept of war anymore and world continued with the basic struggle with only limited people knowing of the existence of pain." It's evident in the story, and you handled the prompt well by creating a character whose memory was not erased, and therefore, had the ability to tell us about the memory eraser device.

Characters/Story
I was a little confused, but I think Mica is some sort of agent of Russia, or else some unnamed third party organization. She is tasked with stopping Bolivia from firing a nuclear weapon at Russia. Russia and India are the world superpowers. In the past, war destroyed half the world's population (you state a population of 4 billion.) I'm not sure how recent, because Mica remembers war, so I initially thought the war must have been within the past few decades. And in the opening paragraph, you said it had been peaceful for 10 years. But then near the end of the story, she asks how old her siblings are, and is told they're up to 500 years old, so that confused me.

The war was apparently nuclear, and some of the radiation is magical, so some people have evolved into dragons, or can shape-shift from human to dragon. I didn't understand who the young boy was or how/why he wanted Bolivia to bomb Russia. I also wasn't sure who was responsible for erasing memories, because the dragons (and Mica) seem to want the devices destroyed, but I swear you said somewhere that the government leaders didn't remember wars (I can't find it now). So who else is there? Is that an unknown in this story?

One other thing that I struggled with, and which didn't help my confusion, was the amount of exposition. The opening paragraph is a summary of things that happened in the past with no action or dialog, so it's the worst culprit, but really all throughout, readers are told information instead of being shown. For example, in the fourth paragraph, half of the paragraph is action, which is well done, but the other half is this:

Three times the charm became a popular saying. Remained popular throughout the world. Without Russia, the world wouldn't run. It was like that for China, too, which remained independent.

This sort of information would be easier to digest via dialog.

I may understand why you're struggling with this. The world this character lives in is clearly a well-developed world, and I'm guessing it's one you've written in before - possibly extensively. If I'm correct, there's a lot that you know, which the reader doesn't know. The challenge, then, in addition to moving this background info to dialog, internal monologue, and action is to figure out how much the reader needs to know in order to follow the plot of your story and leave the rest out.

Other Notes
You occasionally slip out of past tense. Examples:

Then she realized it wasn't on the ground but hovering in the air. Just enough to block her way. She can't be food now!

Was that human chosen, too? Time will tell.

My favorite parts:

Not only was nuclear technology declining, but creatures were eating them, too. - I loved that the dragons were eating the nukes. A clever and unique twist in the arms race and dragon diets.

She rolled down the windows and peered out. "What do you want of me?" - I loved this because it's a flying car, not an airplane, and obviously, you'd be able to open a window in a flying car. But even better, her question is directed at a freaking dragon flying next to her flying car. *Laugh*

"Control that, then come back to me. I could teach you how to fly. You caught the magical radiation from the last explosion like us." -and- Then her clothes ripped and exposed freshly grown wings. She blushed. - I love that she is changing into a dragon and didn't know it was something that might happen to her.

But it was too late. The big red button was down. - I love that your Bolivian leader's nuclear weapon launcher is a literal big red button. It's cartoonish and over-the-top. I actually feel like this story would do well with the whole thing told in more of a cartoonish voice. Have you considered writing it as a graphic novel? You could move exposition to info boxes in the corners of each panel, and your dialog is short and punchy, which might be ideal.

Thank you again for participating in "What if...? story contest ~ Closed" !


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8
8

Review of Team Ahimsa Blog Relay, Various Contests  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, mesonali, and thank you for the opportunity to review your work. I am reviewing "How To Skin a Potato and Other Guidelines - 1st place!"  because you entered this piece into "What if...? story contest ~ Closed"  and I'm helping elfmage7.

First Impression
I was sucked in so fast that I almost forgot I was supposed to report my first impression. *Laugh* It's like Big Brother Is Watching on steroids. They know the shampoo he's using? Scary. I laughed a little at the absurdity when they answered Grandma's mental question... but it may have been a nervous laugh??

Prompt
You clearly chose the prompt, "What if government surveillance of individuals expanded beyond current locations and that caused a complete loss of privacy for all individuals." I didn't have to scroll to the bottom to determine that. You nailed it.

Characters/Story
I absolutely love the pacing in this story. For being a mundane slice of everyday life, the pace moves like a blockbuster thriller. Just as I'm wrapping my head around one exchange, the phone robot interrupts what's happening with more comments. How does anyone get anything done in this world you've built?? Also, the phone robot is quite gossipy and meddling.

I about died laughing when the Tax Department representative pointed out that the boyfriend's family gets a tax deduction for the meal.

I got lost here:
"Grandma, did you disapprove of my Mom?" Radhika demanded, striding over and looking her grandmother in the eyes. "My Mom is very nice and I love her very much and you always pretend to be so sweet with her and you weren't going to let Dad marry her? You disapproved of her?"

"Well - well - not exactly disapprove ..." the lady's face suddenly showed her age as she looked to her daughter-in-law with a plea in her eyes.

The younger woman's face relaxed into a warm smile. "Oh, Radhika, all parents disapprove of the people their beloved kids date," she told her daughter. "It's part of holding on to them because they love them so. I mean, when you've cuddled and burped a child, when you've fed a child with the bottle, you do get a bit protective. When you start dating, I'll probably disapprove of your boyfriend. Oh, this phone! Hello?"

'You won't disapprove of your daughter's choice of boyfriend,' the voice informed her. 'He's very nice indeed.'

"WHAT? My daughter - my little baby - has a boyfriend?"

Is mom/Anil's wife in this conversation? I thought it was just Grandma and Radhika because the robot just said "Now go and talk to your Grandma while your parents get to work on time.". Also, we don't know mom/Anil's wife's name yet.

Other Notes
Editorial:
They instructed her to cut the newspaper reports neatly and paste hem in an album,

For good measure, they threw in messages about dog food, potatoes, shampoo and other miscellaneous stiff as well.

The bride and groom went happily on their honeymoon to a spot the beepers and smiled on.

Some of my favorite lines:

"Goodbye nicely and politely," Radhika replied, putting the receiver down firmly.

The usual cries of "How wonderful to see you" done with, everyone hugged everyone.

For a while, they stood together, hand in hand, looking at the snow-capped peaks towering all around them, and the mountain-goats leaping about. - The absurdity in this story is enchanting. *Heart*


Thank you again for participating in "What if...? story contest ~ Closed" !


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9

Review of A Thieve's Christmas  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, brennus, and thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

I chose this piece to review because you requested feedback about the narrative perspective on the Newsfeed. Specifically, you received earlier feedback indicating "whiplash."

First Impressions
In the first paragraph, I thought for a sec that Hunter was a child, not just that her joy was childish. I can't pin my finger on why.

Narrative Perspective
Then I got to the second paragraph and understood the feedback from the previous reviewer. But when I got to the third paragraph and beyond, I realized that I absolutely LOVE this narrative strategy. Another reviewer might call it whiplash. I thought of it more like watching a tennis match between two star players, hanging on the edge of your seat with every volley. It's your story to do with as you like, but I hope you don't scrap this strategy based on what a reviewer said. I think it's innovative, and it works for me.

One suggestion that might make it a little more obvious from the get-go is to separate the paragraphs with a horizontal line or one of those tilda-shaped squiggles publishers use to indicate a scene change or time lapse within a chapter. But I offer that because you asked for ideas, not because I think it needs to be more obvious.

Another suggestion is to deliberately tweak the voice of each narrator to make them easier for the reader to identify. Even though you alternate literally every paragraph for the first half of the piece, once I started to get sucked into the story, I stopped paying such close attention. Your narrators are very, very close to the characters they follow with phrases like:

...this was the day he'd make her pay...
...some danger, which added more fun,...
...a chill gripped his soul...
...stick with the plan, and hope things went well...

These are prime opportunities to tweak the voices of your narrators and make them unique and identifiable.

All of that applies up until the flashback with the final target. Then it derails a little, because in the first half, every time you started a paragraph with "Denny," the narrator saw the paragraph through Denny's eyes. But here:

Denny sprang to the stairs...

I'm not sure if we're seeing through Denny's eyes, Hunter's, or the sad little guy. Minor tweaks for voice and clarity might help - like really obviously getting into Denny's head by narrating something only Denny would know, e.g., Denny sprang to the stairs, his heartbeat racing and breath ragged...

Once you get into the passage where Denny and Hunter meet and engage in dialog, you finish out the story via Denny's narrator, and that works for me.

Active Voice and Pacing
The pacing was adequate to keep my interest. However, it has action/adventure and mystery elements, so it could be paced faster still. You could tighten up the narrative to pick up the pace. Examples:

she had always loved - any reason she can't just love it, in general, all the time? "she loved..."
he had chosen his stakeout position - honestly, I think this is superfluous. If we see Denny carrying his toys up to the roof and setting them up, and then the story proceeds to show us that he captured every one of Hunter's pocking picking incidents on camer, you've shown us that he chose his stakeout position well.
all were the neediest, yet most giving / Two of them had already benefited - this feels like a great opportunity to switch to active voice and to show instead of telling, perhaps with flashbacks of the moment the learned their rent and utilities would be reduced, or possibly with dialog - Hunter speaks with the two in question, or perhaps she hears the two of them speaking to each other and comparing stories.

Editorial
A small tear tickles down their cheeks - tense slip (and also, I'm not sure which one of them cried because I'm not sure who "their" refers to.
Can I like to ask you a question? - appears to be an editing / cut-and-paste error
Quite a few problems in the dialog between Hunter and Denny, but I was able to follow it.

I hope this helps! Thanks again for the opportunity. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10

Review of Monthly Writing Accountability Challenge  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I always loved this activity, but it became too cumbersome to keep up with. I think pwheelerhas the right idea - simplify, simplify, simplify! We (aka, I, lol) made this too complicated. I just tried to read through the rules and remember how the point structure worked, and it made my head swim - and I'm me! *Laugh* Ah, but the fond memories... *Bigsmile*
11
11

Review of The Great Noodle Rebellion - 523 Words  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, jtpete86, and thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

I usually try to have some sort of constructive criticism in every review, but this was basically perfect. I loved every second of it. It was positive, heartwarming, and repeatedly laugh-out-loud funny. Once or twice I even reread a snippet just so I could laugh again. *Laugh*

But in the spirit of the WDC reviewing system, I'll go ahead and share with you my reactions to various pieces and parts so you know what worked for me and why.

Voice/Character
I love this character. The self-proclaimed part-time college student, full-time overachiever oozes confidence despite being entirely inept in both the grocery store and the kitchen. Even when the reactions of her family very politely, but still clearly, point to a disaster of a meal, it doesn't phase Skylar one bit. I love what that says about the support she received in her upbringing, which is nice symbolism in a piece about the Chinese New Year and its emphasis on family.

Story
Amazingly, despite the brevity of the piece and comedic focus, you have a complete plot:
Protagonist: Skylar
Goal: Prepare a meal for her family
Conflict: She's a terrible cook
Antagonist: Basically her own impatience and apathy about details
Climax: Despite the disaster of a meal, she invites her family anyway
Resolution: Her family still loves her despite her failings in the kitchen; also Dad probably has some wicked gas!

Comic Effect
You demonstrate some comedic genius in this piece. Specifically, you did a great job with absurdity, callbacks / running gags and with zingy one-liners.
Utter Nonsense and Absurdity
- The fact that she bought all the wrong ingredients. Nobody would actually do that, which is why it's absurd, but it's funny because it's a caricature of real life. Basically, she grabbed all the wrong things because she couldn't find the right ones, and ultimately she was just tired of being at the grocery store. How relatable is that? Grocery stores suck, especially on weekends and right before big holidays (e.g., Chinese New Year?) Next time, maybe she should try ClickList or InstaCart!
- Hissing tofu - I don't even want to know, lol
- Deep-fried live squid with cinnamon and called "crispy apple snacks" - absurd because, obviously, no one would ever mistake a calamari ring for an apple, and second....... how does one cook a live squid?? Is this a lobster and crab situation, or is this something involving a knife? Trying to stay within the "E" rating here, lol, but the point is, for someone who can barely cook packaged Ramen noodles, that she even knew how to start with the live squid, let alone successfully cooking it so that it even resembles an apple/calamari ring is completely ridiculous.

Callbacks
Dad asked for seconds of the black bean rice, which you earlier referred to as "The Midnight Gas Pudding", which was initially supposed to be crushed red pepper. The piece is short and fast-paced enough that the callback strategy here was super effective despite my terrible memory.

One-Liners
- "...I can't spell 'molasses' without Googling it" - and also, honestly, the "well, more rice vinegar" line leading into the molasses joke
- Mom "once burned water" (also an example of absurdity)
- I loved your new use for an old cliche: "Best thing since sliced donuts"

Thanks again for the read. I really enjoyed it.

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12

Review of Contest Entries  

for entry "Chapter One: The Sign" 
Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, dragonfish, and thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work. This is a re-review per your request. I hope you find it helpful. *Smile*

First Impressions:
I like the change of tense from past to present. It seems to help you write active voice more comfortably.

I noticed more imagery, which I enjoyed. I could still use more. I have a feel for the surroundings, the words on the sign, and the fact that they were in some sort of vehicle when they arrived. I still don't know what Daisy and Efrikia look like (other than E's black hair), what the sign looks like (e.g., colors, materials of construction), and what the portal looks like when it opens. I did, however, like the description of what it was like to be in the portal, which is your most vivid and descriptive imagery in the whole piece.

Dialog
You dip a little into "As you know, Bob" territory occasionally (link below if you're not familiar.) Examples:

Of course, we had to face a troll driving all the way out here. That troll was satisfied by that toy Mace. Can you believe the look on its face?

You are a descendant of the rumored great dragon. I hear he still lives today.


https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/as-you...

Protagonist's Name
Thank you for providing Efrikia's name. It didn't feel organic, though. I realize I asked for it, lol, so if I'm nitpicking, disregard. As a reader, I want their name, but if I'm talking to my friend, I don't say their name very often. On reflection, I use it primarily to get their attention ("Suzie! Come look at this!") or to express a big emotional response ("OMG, Lucy, you won?! So exciting!? or "Are you serious right now, David?! I can't believe you just said that!") On the other hand, I have an aunt who says my name during a conversation like every other sentence. Since Daisy isn't like my aunt, I'd expect it in one of the former scenarios.

Plot
As before, I'm intrigued by the sign, Efrikia's heritage, and what is going to happen on the other side of the portal.

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13

Review of Contest Entries  

for entry "Chapter One: The Sign" 
Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Your opening is intriguing. I'm curious to know why your MC is drawn to it, and why it would be worth so much.

Active voice:

Some of your sentences might benefit from active voice. Passive voice is wordy and backwards, which can contribute to losing your reader to confusion or, worse, boredom from a lagging pace, especially if you use it a lot.

Examples;

All there was were woods and a sign.

I was drawn to it.

It had been 1,000 years since any portals to the other world had opened.

Ambiguity/confusion:

So, I read this paragraph like five times before I figured out why it sounded like the sign said, “Ouch! Oh my chest, I’m bleeding!” 😆

I think it's here: "I twirled my long, black hair with my right hand and put it on top of the sign." I thought the protagonist was saying she(?) put her hair on the sign. Therefore, I thought she cast a spell or something that caused the sign to bleed.

Phrasing:

thief in crime

I think you were trying to avoid a cliché and create a new way to say it, which I totally approve of and support!!! but this phrase didn't work for me. Does it mean that daisy is the thief and the protagonist is in charge of the crime? I had a hard time making sense of the meaning.

Dialog:

Your use of "fudge"was interesting. Since both characters used it, I'm wondering if it's something related to the world.

Setting:

I couldn't pin down whether this was urban fantasy taking place on an alternate Earth (clues: $1000, World War 1, field, signs, and they appearto be driving a car) or an entirely fabricated fantasy world (clues: goblins/ ghosts, WW1 was 1000 yrs ago, great dragon, portal). I could have used more setting description since it's evident that it's not the world I live in. I'd love to know more.

That said, I'm intrigued about the great dragon and your protagonist, and this world of portals. Any chance you were inspired by Wheel of Time?

One final suggestion: I would have liked to know the protagonist's name. Maybe Daisy could say it at some point?

Great work ending on a cliffhanger! What has our dynamic duo gotten themselves into??


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14

Review of Carrion Luggage  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"Carrion Luggage"  features commentary on articles of varying subjects from across the Internet, with one work analyzed each day. The analyses are thoughtful, intelligent, and educational, but also funny and at times, snarky or even a bit cynical. Whatever the topic and the author's take on that topic, the posts are always entertaining. The author has a knack for embedding subtle jabs and puns into his writing. Also, the daily posts are impressively consistent.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15

Review of The Way Station  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I always love a good punchline. I didn't see yours coming, which is the best kind! *Laugh* The tag was a nice touch. I assume it was on his toe??

I feel stupid now (maybe it's the early hour) but I had to Google "deiced". My brain didn't read DE and ICED as two separate syllables or even a diphthong. I read some single-syllabled word that sounded like a fancy spelling of "diced." I even thought it might be a typo (and so did Google - the first suggestion said, "Did you mean decided?")

Congrats on your win! *RibbonB*

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16

Review of NaNoWriMo 2016 Project  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write"  [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
The paragraphs run together and are difficult to decipher. You can use {indent} or the -> in the edit bar to indent your paragraphs, or if you want something easier, just "Enter" one extra time after each paragraph and put a space in between them.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
I love this story. Your pacing is absolutely perfect, and you had my heart yearning for Taygen to relax and have fun. Literally, tension in my chest. If she's your protagonist, mission accomplished!!

I do have a few suggestions that might make the story even better, if you're interested.

1. Voice. Mostly, voice was excellent. I get the feeling this child is roughly eight years old. She's old enough to go to a sleepover camp by herself, but young enough to still want her teddy with her even in front of other kids. If I'm right, good job showing-not-telling. However, you have a few inconsistencies in your voice you could iron out. This story is told in third person, but definitely through Taygen's eyes. Therefore, I would not expect:

their crumbling marriage. Even if she knows her parents are having marital problems, I would be surprised to hear a child refer to their marriage as "crumbling."

I was also going to highlight "colossally, freaky place" but then changed my mind. I know smart 8-year-olds who might use language like that. But if she's smart with a high vocabulary, just make sure that's consistent throughout.

One other voice-related minor thing: Since the narrator is telling the story through Taygen's eyes, it surprised me to read "Big blue eyes widened at the vastness of the place." We don't normally think about the color of our own eyes when we widen them, so it just seemed like an odd thing to say.

2. Plot. Just a quick note that the counselor never introduced the girls. Taygen know's Gwyn's name because Holly said "That's good. I am just showing Gwyn around." Later: "K" Gwyn chirped made it sound like Taygen remembered the name, which is not likely since she was so nervous and the statement about showing Gwyn around wasn't even directed at her. Plus Gwyn never learned Taygen's name. So an introduction might be good all around.

I loved how it ended with Taygen warming up to the possibility that camp might not be so bad after all. You've accomplished a protagonist change in your short story, and so you've succeeded in building a strong plot.

NOTE: I started this review a few hours ago and you have since added to the story. I don't think the story needed the additional section, but having read it, I like where you went with it. The change in Taygen goes even further because she realizes that she can be accepted by Gwyn even though they have differences, and in that realization, she gains her first true friend. A lovely story. If you're interested in my opinion on the matter, I liked the shorter version better, because I was more emotionally involved. As I read the continuation, it was a little dense at times, slow, not quite as perfect of pacing as the original story. That pang in my chest, which was real on the first pass, wasn't really there reading the continuation. But truthfully, I don't know if that's because I had already read the first part and thought it was over, and then there was more to read, so the confusing expectations might have interfered with my emotional connection. If a new reader reads your story with no expectations as to where it ends, they might disagree with me.

Summary:
Nicely done. This piece is sweet, and I detect a theme around introversion, that it's okay to be an introvert and you can and should be accepted for who you are. A good message for kids who read your story. Good luck in the contest. *Smile*

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17

Review of The Hardship  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write"  [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
I noticed the short length of the piece first, and then I picked up on the anger and frustration of the protagonist. My initial thought was that it was going to be an angsty piece, but I liked the uplifting humor at the end. I initially thought the scene was set at a funeral until I got to the second paragraph.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
I really liked this story. The pacing was good, and I especially liked how you teased at first, waiting to give away first the situation (someone has cancer), and then the identity of the patient (the protagonist's sister) for a couple paragraphs. You created dramatic tension for me by keeping me in suspense.

The scene was clear, once you started to describe it. I could visualize the hospital room, stark but for the colorful gifts and the continuous crowd of people coming through.

Your character's anger and frustration was evident, and I felt it for myself.

You had a few minor editorial errors:

shared old stories and babbled on as no time had passed at all. as if no
sign that I could place about of the bed of (I think that's what you intended, but "about of" didn't make sense)

On my first read, it bothered me a little that you don't use many commas. But on the second read, and once I got through it, I decided that I was just being a comma diva, lol. However, since it was an impression I got, let me share a few examples, just so you know what was going through my mind.

These sentences in particular felt like it needed some punctuation to break up the thoughts:

...would whisper the word cancer like if you said it too loud they might catch it too
The whole scene sent bile rising up my throat leaving a nasty taste in my mouth that kept a grimace on my face.

Summary:
Great emotional roller coaster, given the limited word count. The last two paragraphs made me smile, whereas the story up to that point had me tense. You don't have much time to tell us about these characters, primarily the protagonist and her sister, the cancer patient, but we learn a lot about their relationships with the rest of the family and with each other in a short amount of time. It was an enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing!


Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
18
18

Review of Prep for Unguardable  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write"  [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
"The ground squelched..." Very descriptive!! Believe it or not, it that word hit three of my senses: touch, sound, and sight. I visualized wet grass, though wet from water, not blood. You corrected my thinking almost immediately:

"The ground squelched as Shoshana Cox walked toward the corpses..." Yum. You gave me the shivers. *Thumbsup*

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
Let me start by saying I LOVE this chapter. I'll get to the reasons why I love it, but I'm going to start with the constructive feedback. Don't let it discourage you from getting to the good stuff. *Bigsmile*

I read straight through before writing comments. I noticed that the beginning was slow. The story picked up speed around the time the conversation with Hoyt started. I think the slow intro was a result of a combination of pacing and confusion.

1. Pacing. This wasn't about the amount of action, which I thought was paced perfectly. But some of your sentences (not many, but a few) were just unnecessarily wordy. Wordy isn't always a bad thing, but it is when writing an action/suspense/thriller, some combination of which I think you have here. Examples:

The ground squelched as Shoshana Cox walked toward the corpses, glancing down she noticed blood seeping up on top of her boot.

Could be reduced to something like:

The ground squelched as Shoshana Cox walked toward the corpses. Blood seeped up on top of her boot. (That she looked at it to notice is implied.)

2. Confusion. I got lost here:

Tracking the noob had been simple, she shifted to wolf form and followed the scent of blood and bile. Now the tranquilized lycanthrope was sleeping in the back of the secured truck and she was ensuring that the clean-up team

Since I didn't yet know that Shoshana was a werewolf, I thought "she shifted" referred to the noob. Then I realized you must have meant Shoshana, and I read on to see "the tranquilized lycanthrope" and thought you were saying Shoshana was tranquil (because I didn't know they'd caught the noob.) Then I was really confused about how she could be both sleeping and ensuring, when it dawned on me that they must have caught the noob. I think replacing "she" with "Shoshana" the first time might eliminate that whole string of confusion.

You have some good moments, but your intro sounds like it's a completely different voice from after the story picks up, like either you added the intro later, or else you found your voice once you got going. I did like how you started the story, by introducing us to Shoshana, her personality, and her job.

After the intro, I was sucked into the story. Even though the partners had a boring job, I wasn't at all bored. It was gripping. More on that in a minute.

I did find myself yanked out of the story a few times asking, "Wait, what?" They were:

Laughing at the assistant’s comment, she went into her boss’s office.
This was the first time I wondered if you'd added the intro later, because Shoshana was incredibly grumpy during the intro. I liked the receptionist's comment, which made me smile and gave me a little sense of Marianne's personality. It was Shoshana's reaction that startled me.

That was two weeks ago.
Again, I wondered if you added the intro after the rest, because this sentence only makes sense if you start with Hoyt giving Shoshana her assignment. It's not that it couldn't have all happened two weeks ago. It's that it wasn't a single scene, and after two opening scenes, it would have made more sense to me to say, "Two weeks later..." Reading my own feedback, it seems nitpicky and bizarre, but it is what it is. The phrase "That was two weeks ago" made me stop reading and think, "Hm, I wonder if the intro was written later." That pulled me out of the story.

THE GOOD STUFF:

OMG. I love your premise, your characters, and your unfolding plot. I love Shoshana and loved the intro scene (it was just the writing of the scene itself that seemed a bit tight and stilted.) I loved your voice and pacing, once you got into it. It was natural and flowed well. I love the world you've built. I love the cliffhanger you ended with; it makes me want to know who the intruder was, and to meet Teagan, because she seems like she's going to be a great character, too.

Characters: It's in the details. It's the way Shoshana reacted to the council enforcer at the crime scene. It's the thing where she'd forgotten to wash her shirt but wore it anyway. It's the part where she objected to the boring assignment, but took it anyway because it's her job. You've told me a lot about her in a short time.

World: The pacing of your world delivery is just about flawless. I never had a hint of exposition. You revealed details about your world - the pack, the council, the rules, her job, the dragons - all through action and dialogue, and most of your dialogue is very natural.

Plot: Your hook is that someone is after Teagan, but she can't know she's a dragon. So Shoshana has to protect her without telling her why. If I were Teagan, I'd be pissed about that. And if I were Shoshana, I'm not sure I know how I'd pull that off. I can't wait to see how it's going to unfold.

Voice: You have a clean grasp of 3rd person limited. You're telling the story through Shoshana's eyes alone (so far), and that adds a lot to the mystery of the piece. You never once strayed from her head. Also, your voice after the intro flows naturally. Where in the intro, it sounded like you struggled to find the right words, the scenes after the intro read like you tap-tap-tapped on your keyboard full speed ahead without pausing to breathe, like you knew exactly what you wanted to say and how to say it, like the story told itself for you.

Summary:
A gripping story with a great hook! The intro was a little slow due to some pacing and confusion issues, but it was a great scene, and after the intro, I couldn't stop reading. *Smile*

Good luck in the contest!

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19

Review of An Ordinary Life  

for entry "In Jesus' Name..." 
Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good morning, ruwth. I am reviewing your blog entry "In Jesus' Name..."  at your request.

This is the fourth entry of yours I've reviewed, and once again, you suck me right in. That's an accomplishment. Many writers struggle with getting their work started, and only improve their pacing once they get on a roll. You have a knack for starting a narrative.

I like this: "With the eyes and heart of a child, I believed what I read. Her words did not dissuade me." I remember growing into that era of childhood when we begin to question adults. It's a silly thing, but my parents always called conditioner "cream rinse" when I was little, and one day, I realized the label said something else. I'd been able to read the label for awhile, but that day, it just clicked that it was called something other than what my parents called it. I told my parents we were out of conditioner. From then on, we always called it conditioner. Why am I telling you this story? Because it points out how relatable your words are. They made me recall a time in my childhood when I, too, decided I was old enough to believe something I read over something the adults in my life said to me.

This sentence is a bit confusing, particularly the highlighted part: God, The Bible says whatever I ask in Jesus' Name, that He will do that the Father might be glorified through the Son.

Another confusing sentence, which might just be the result of a typo / swypo: ...I heard some teaching on it gets and there.

Ditto: Jesus gave it's the right to use His Name. (us?)

And again, you wrap up nicely. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your work, ruwth. It was a pleasure reviewing you. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
20
20

Review of An Ordinary Life  

for entry "Speaking In Tongues" 
Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Good morning, ruwth. I am reviewing your blog entry "Speaking In Tongues"  at your request.

Again, you did a great job of drawing me in. You tell the narrative of the love letter, and the pacing on that part of your story is perfect.

But it slowed down in the middle of the paragraph that begins:

As I read the book of Acts....

The slowdown in the pacing is gradual. For the first few paragraphs, I'm still hanging with you. But I lost interest right about here:

At this point, I am reading the Bible. I am actually devouring it.

First of all, my eyes took in the next three paragraphs, and before I even read what they said, I noticed that all three paragraphs begin with the phrase, "At this point."

Secondly, I believe you are writing with a passion that you feel personally, which is the kind of writing we tend to use in our diaries. Since we feel that passion personally as we write, we find ourselves rambling about the topic. When we care deeply about a topic, we have a lot to say on the matter.

The problem is, this is a blog, not your diary, and I don't personally have the same passion, the overwhelming desire to speak in tongues. Therefore, as a reader who is not as invested as you are, I either need the pacing to be faster or you need to make me feel the same passion you feel. In my opinion, the latter is not likely, and faster pacing would be the easier solution. You could accomplish this by editing extraneous information from your narrative - take out anything that doesn't help me understand what happened - and move more quickly through the key incidents that lead to your ultimate climax, which is the moment where you finally speak in tongues.

I should add a disclaimer here that I'm skeptical, and that might be affecting my interest in the story. I always believed that in the Acts story of Pentecost, where the Bible says they "began to speak with other tongues" that it means they spoke each other's languages, not a language actually called "tongues" - meaning that although they did not speak each other's languages outside of the Pentecost, during that event, they could understand one another. I believe it was a one-time event, not something we're supposed to emulate. As you say in your story, the whole tongues thing is debated in Christian circles, and I respect your interpretation of the Scripture. But due to my personal beliefs, I can't feel the passion you feel, and therefore, I find the narrative slow. Someone who believes as you do might find your narrative more engaging, and I encourage you to seek that beta reader before you edit, since I think that person would be your target reader and might have a different take on your pacing than I.

However, all that said, your ending is very profound. I like the way you circled back to that first incident, and your realization of what it might have meant.

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
21
21

Review of An Ordinary Life  

for entry "I Have Worth..." 
Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good morning, ruwth. I am reviewing your blog entry {entry: 849694} at your request.

Your introductory line definitely draws me in.

Then you move back in time, earlier than the timeline of the story you're about to tell, which forces you into past perfect tense:

When I had this experience, my husband and I had reconciled after he had been with another woman. He and I are no longer together but the lesson is still with me.

There's nothing inherently wrong with past perfect, but past tense is easier to read in a narrative. Just my thoughts here, but it seems like you could eliminated it by just starting the story a little earlier. Start with the infidelity instead of the healing:

In the Xth year of our marriage, my husband was with another woman.

(Just an example.) This allows you to say "was with" instead of "had been with".

You could then proceed with the reconciliation:

Although he and I are no longer together, we reconciled for a time, and the lesson is still with me.

(Am I understanding what happened properly? My uncertainty highlights how jumping around in time with past perfect can make a story confusing.)

I was tortured by thoughts of him having been with the other woman. - You could tighten this: "I was tortured by thoughts of him with the other woman."

I was sitting in my rocking chair praying. - You could tighten this: "I was praying in my rocking chair." (It's understood that you would be sitting in it.)

I notice something across the room. - Probably a typo, but you jumped into present tense on "notice".

At this point, I lost sight of the room... Since you're in the middle of a narrative, the phrase "At this point" is unnecessary. You could start with "I lost sight of the room..." and I would still clearly understand the chronology.

The next thing I saw (my eyes may have been closed now), the next thing I saw was a large sun tea jar full of pennies. Remove the repetition of "The next thing I saw" - either one would be fine:

My eyes may have been closed now, but the next thing I saw was a large sun tea jar full of pennies.

OR

The next thing I saw (my eyes may have been closed now) was a large sun tea jar full of pennies.

Like the other entry, your pacing in this piece is perfect. It's just long enough to tell the narrative without rambling or losing my interest.

I love the metaphor of the lost penny. Great way to close this story, and glad it helped you find healing.

Cheers,
Michelle


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22
22

Review of An Ordinary Life  

for entry "In Proxy..." 
Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good morning, ruwth. I am reviewing your blog entry "In Proxy..."  per your request.

Good job drawing me into the narrative. You open with an air of mystery and it leads me to wonder what happened. It makes me want to read on.

I have a few suggestions, if you're interested.

I don't remember what was preached that day. - You used passive voice here. It would be easy to fix by replacing "what was preached" to "the sermon" or adding in the subject who was doing the preaching, e.g., "I don't remember what the pastor/reverend/Dr. Jones/worship leader/whomever preached that day."

The sermon probably played a role in all this but the events leading up to my responding the way I did are now forgotten. - You could tighten your writing up a little: "...the events leading up to my response are now forgotten."

You use the phrase "that day" very often in this piece. At some point, it's evident that you're talking about a specific day in your history and the repeated reminder is unnecessary.

I was slain in the Spirit. - I don't understand what this means.

At one point, as I laid on the floor... - use "lay" here, past tense of "lie".

while I continued to lie there... - here you use the verb correctly.

Overall, the story is well told. The pacing is good and the events are clear. Well done.

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
23
23

Review of Sedative Eyes  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear keatonfoster,

I discovered "Sedative Eyes"  via the Random Review feature. I probably would not have read the piece otherwise because dark poetry is not my thing. However, it surprised me when it drew me in, and I enjoyed it after all.

What I liked about the piece was the vivid imagery and characterization. It was a narrative poem, telling the narrator's story, and I had a clear visual of the story in my mind.

This is where I was drawn in:

Oh the hell
They have seen
No one should
Want them


Now you've introduced me to your character, and I like characters. *Smile* I'm curious about the narrator. Who is he? What is it that he's seen that's so horrendous that he chose to donate his eyes while still alive? What has he done that's so bad that he thinks someone else deserves his living eyes more than he? We never get to find out, but I like the mystery around it, too.

I like the pace of your poem. At a glance, I noticed that it wasn't broken into verses, but on reading it, I decided that I liked it as is. It's driving, as it should be.

More of my favorite lines, either for their imagery or for how they tell the story of your character:

Ripped
From my skull
Torn
From their sockets


All connections
Severed


As the darkness invades


I signed on the line
Gave them permission


Now for the constructive feedback. I had one constant source of confusion throughout the piece. I didn't understand whether your narrator voluntarily donated his eyes while alive. Here at the end, it seems clear that he agreed to donate them upon his death only:

Gave them permission
Upon my death
Take all that you wish


But if he did not agree to donate his eyes while alive, why does he say this twice:

I was assured
I wouldn’t need them


and here, it sounds like whoever is taking his eyes intended to kill him to take the eyes:

Chained to my bed
Left for dead
They’ll be surprised
When I wake up


But if that's the case, why did "they" (the perpetrator taking the eyes) bother to get a signature or try to convince him that he wouldn't need them?

You have an intriguing story written in gripping verse. Thanks for sharing your work.

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
24
24

Review of The Academic Lies  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC, naveedsk! Congratulations on posting your first written work in your portfolio. Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to review your work. Please remember that my review consists of my personal opinions only, and you're free to consider or disregard any of it. Please also keep in mind that I'm not well-read on the topic you discuss, so my comments are those of an everyday reader, not a scholar in this field.

Your opening paragraph is engaging because you pose an interesting hypothesis. Your essay format is good, in that you open with your hypothesis and move right into an example, which keeps me reading.

Suggestions:
- Electronic written works are easier to read when you separate the paragraphs with a space. You could manually add a blank line after every paragraph, or easier option is to use the "double space paragraphs" option on your edit screen. You also might want to consider breaking your piece into more paragraphs to make it easier to read, but I'm having a hard time discerning where your paragraphs break, so that could just be the spacing issue.

- While commas are a matter of some debate, I personally think you could use more commas. Your essay is detailed and complex, and commas would make it easier to read. For example:

Kind of ironic isn’t it that the place where you expect to get knowledge and truth is the same place where you are fed fallacies in the name of knowledge? - this is a long sentence that would be easier to read with commas around the phrase "isn't it".

- One such lie is the Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs Should "Needs" be capitalized? I'm not familiar with this work, but I presume that if Hierarchy is part of a title, then Needs would be as well.

- Maslow’s hierarchy has five stages namely: Physiological needs, Safety needs, Social needs, Esteem needs and self-actualization needs - I propose a comma between 'stages' and 'namely,' and also suggest consistency in your capitalization. If Maslow titles the stages, then it is acceptable to capitalize them, but you didn't capitalize "Self-actualization." Also, later in the paragraph, you didn't capitalize "safety" or "physiological." You have the same inconsistency later, when you list the original eight stages, and you fail to capitalize "Self-transcendental."

- He has his own moral codes, which do not necessarily have to be in accordance with those set by the society. So, in a way a self-actualized being is not the best member of the society, but the worst. This seems like a leap. I understand your logic, but it might be better to suggest that a self-actualized person has the potential to be the worst, not that he actually IS the worst. Not every self-actualized person has moral codes that conflict with those of his society.

- but a highly ‘educated’ writer such as Daft - I'm not sure why 'educated' is in quotation marks. Is Daft highly educated or not? It should not be a matter of opinion. Does Daft have an advanced degree? If he does, he is highly educated.

- If that’s the case then he should have named it as ‘Daft’s Hierarchy of Needs’ and not Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, - capitalization consistency.

General comments:

- You make a convincing case in the matter of Daft's interpretation of Maslow, which is that Daft's omissions change the nature of the whole hierarchy. However, I'm not sure this one example alone is enough to convince me that academia feeds lies to students. Why didn't you expound on your Darwin example from the opening paragraph? If your essay is primarily about Daft's misinterpretation of Maslow, then you should make that clear in your title, description and introductory paragraph.

- Your tone comes across as strongly opinionated on the Daft matter, and I would even go so far as to say you slam Daft. I assume that was your intent, but I want to point that out in case you wanted to know how the tone comes across.

Great work! I found your piece engaging and your points clear. Thanks again for sharing your work.


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25
25

Review of Our Wicked Cool Teacher  

Review by tuozzoMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write"  [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
Cute children's story. The beginning was a little slow but the pace picked up around the time Ms. Doyle proposed a Halloween party.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
In the first fe paragraphs, the story reads like you're targeting a very young audience, with passages like this:

I remember how on the first day of school, I walked into the sixth grade classroom and saw my teacher.
This is the sort of thing a young child would say.

Her name was Ms. Doyle. She didn´t look that old. In fact, she looked almost young enough to still be in High School. But the weird part was that she was dressed completely in a long black dress.
Your short sentences seem to target a young reader.

But your voice shifts pretty quickly into one that targets an older reader:
produced an unenthusiastic response
a sarcastic voice said
Moreover, by sixth grade, she had a reputation

At first, you shift back and forth. But somewhere around the dodgeball story, you shift entirely and stay consistently in the "older" voice for the rest of the story. After reading through the whole story, it's my opinion that the older voice works well for the story. The younger voice in the opening paragraphs would be appropriate for a kindergartener or first grader but your story is about sixth graders, and I think your voice for the latter half of the story is perfectly appropriate.

Watch for editorial errors. You have a few examples of random quotation marks out of place, missing words, incomplete sentences, etc.

Summary:
I enjoyed the perspective of your protagonist. It was fun to see bullies like Dena and Billy get put in their place, while Ms. Doyle encouraged Albert to pursue his talents. Your ending was cute.


Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .