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Public Reviews
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I actually really liked the concept of this piece, once I figured it out, and your punchline was clearly written to reveal that at the last second. Suspense in 100 words? Difficult to do, but fun if you can pull it off. I'm not sure it worked as well with your piece, because the action leading up to the suspense confused me - and not in the way that suspense should confuse. I had to read sentences twice.

"Target house identified."

and

"Door lock snapped."

In the second sentence, the lock is the subject, and snapped is the verb. The lock does the snapping. That made me go back and re-read the first sentence, because I thought, did the house do the identifying? I realized after a moment that someone else, an unknown subject, had done the identifying. It became obvious when I read the third sentence. Still, at that point, I thought, where are we going with this? The bottom line is that the confusion in subject-verb agreement pulled me out of the narrative of your story, making me focus on the *words*, which ruined the moment of suspense for me.

Also, you changed tense at the end. "he screamed," "sobbed my wife," "we cry."

Thanks again for the read!
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Review of Price of Passion  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I actually laughed a little at this piece. I did suspect the identity of the narrator before you revealed her, but it was still a fun read. Overall, the sentences flowed at a pace that I was happy with as a reader. The only thing that confused me was here:

"Instead sighted his dark form approach stealthily, "

I didn't understand this at all. Are you missing a subject in the sentence?

Thanks again! I enjoyed this one.
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Review of Love In Namibia  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
First, well done on the storytelling. I love your character, and I love the passion his words evoke. You have definitely created an emotional experience for the reader.

I understood your goal, to avoid repeating words. And honestly, the lack of definite articles gives the story a fast-moving feel, which draws the reader quickly through the tale. It might have been a tad too fast for me, since you are writing about sexual appeal, and he's seeing this woman for the first time. I expect the character to savor the moment more, and as a reader, I want to savor it with him. I didn't get that sense of savoring the moment, rushed as the piece felt.

Your second paragraph is good. The descriptions are vivid and thorough, and your sentences are fully active, with not a passive verb to be found. Your first paragraph doesn't actually contain a verb, though. It's an incomplete sentence. And I did like how you closed the piece in the third paragraph, except to suggest that your repeated use of exclamation points is a bit aggressive.

Thanks for the read! Write on. *Smile*
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Review of Oh Mr. Reaper  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for your entry in "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition"  [ASR]! Here is your Prodigy review, as promised in the contest guidelines. I hope you find it helpful! *Smile*

I just checked, and I realized I never sent your review! *Blush* Well, better late than never. *Bigsmile*

I love the premise of your piece: an individual comes to terms with his impending death. I can imagine someone lying on his deathbed having this conversation in his head, although it would probably be more serious and less lighthearted. Your presentation is easier to read, because it is lighthearted, and therefore not so heart-wrenching. On the other hand, you might have missed an opportunity for a really powerful piece by keeping it light. Just something to consider; that doesn't take away from your piece as it is, but it's something you might try to tackle in the future, if you're feeling brave. *Bigsmile*

Meanwhile, this piece was lighthearted, and that does make it easy to read. As a reader, I pretty much flew through it from beginning to end without getting too tangled, emotional, or confused.

I wondered about your freestyle - for my personal taste, it's a little too freestyle. You do have repetition in the opening of each stanza, "Oh Mr. Reaper..." but I would have liked to see at least one or two more rules employed, anything that would have given the piece a little more structure.

I did like how the mood of the piece shifts gradually from outright denial (I can't go yet!) to outright acceptance (I'm ready to go!), with step-by-step acceptance in between. I like the questions that the narrator asks.

This line felt forced:

"The fat lady never sang and my whistle I didn't hear"

I didn't like the reverse sentence order in the second half, because it's inconsistent with the rest of the piece.

I love this line, because of the powerful statement it makes about death and the questions we humans have about it:
"where will I end up..." (Although, you could use a comma after "up,")

Great work! Thanks so much for sharing this piece. *Smile*

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Review of Running Water  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for your entry in "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition"  [ASR]! Here is your Prodigy review, as promised in the contest guidelines. I hope you find it helpful! *Smile*

This is one of the most hilarious stories I have ever read. *Laugh* You are clever and imaginative, and I loved every minute. Obviously, your "punny" twist on the "running water" prompt was delightfully unexpected. In addition, details like this:

The police were pursuing the water because he had stolen a valuable polka dotted sink handle from The Bank of Sinks and Other Luxury Household Items.

and

A water bottle with a dry throat was very uncommon.

...had me laughing out loud.

You did a nice job with your characterization, too. For all its silliness, I really felt bad for the little water bottle. Here are two reasons that's GOOD *Thumbsup*: (1) He's a water bottle! *Laugh*, and (2) He's a bad guy. He's a thief, and you've made a successful anti-hero out of him, because I'm cheering for him, not the police. Very well done!

Some suggestions, which are just my opinion, and you can totally disregard if you don't agree:

His breathing was restricted as he frantically looked around...

and

His plastic shook as he tried to catch his breath.

Your use of the word "as" in this sentence is so commonly overdone by writers that, in my opinion, it makes it look like "writing" instead of a story. I start to notice your words instead of your narrative, which pulls me out of the story. Another way to say this might be, "His breathing restricted, he frantically looked..."

Also, you told me twice in three sentences that he was struggling with breathing. It felt repetitive. You can tighten your narrative by carefully looking at each action that happens in the story, deciding what you want to convey to your reader, and then deliberately choosing the order in which you'll paint your picture. On that note, you did do a good job of moving your story along with action, since this is an action-packed piece.

The criminal dwelled on how wealthy... This paragraph was just a bit cumbersome. I read it twice. You're struggling a bit with balancing action with exposition, and for the record, that's one of the hardest things in writing to do. It's obvious that you're trying to find the balance, which is more than many writers do, so good job! So, in this paragraph, "The criminal..." You start by telling me he's dwelling. That's exposition. Then you move to action: "his mind cried", "he couldn't fathom", "the idea was pushed" (although, note that this is passive voice, and you could have made it active...more on that in a minute), and "he kept telling himself." I'm not you, so I can't tell you how to write this, but try some experimentation. I'm thinking maybe starting with an action line would have grabbed my attention more, and then if you needed a little exposition to explain the value of the item... although, frankly, I already realized the item was valuable because, (1) he stole it and is now in the predicament, and (2) It came from The Bank of Sinks and Other Luxury Household Items, for goodness sake! *Laugh* I'm thinking you don't need to explain this at all. The whole paragraph just dragged the story down.

Okay, about passive versus active voice, you've probably heard that before. You've given me a perfect example to demonstrate it with:

Passive: "The idea was pushed away."
Active: "He pushed the idea away."

In passive voice, we don't know who's doing the action. That's mildly confusing to a reader (I did actually pause in my reading in that spot.) It's also weak action and not nearly as engaging as active voice.

The water bottle’s mind began to race.
This is one other suggestion I like to give: just throw away that word "began". Your characters shouldn't begin to do things, they should just do things. A narrative is told in chronological order anyway (or, it should be, unless you're including a flashback), so it's understood that the character was not doing this action before, but now, he is. The word "began" drags down a story like the word "as" does.

These questions ran through his thoughts, and he dissected each of them very carefully, trying to decide on a plan.
Although this sounds like action rather than exposition, since "he dissected" is in fact an action statement, it's more "telling" than "showing". How did he dissect the thoughts? Go through the thought process. In the next sentence, you tell us his conclusion, but not the thoughts that lead him to it.

I hope you find my suggestions helpful! I really enjoyed your story. It was a blast to read. *Smile* Keep up that clever writing!

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Review of Unstoppable  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for your entry in "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition"  [ASR]!

Unfortunately, your entry didn't follow the prompt, which was:
"Write an essay or fictionalize story about a time in your life when you were embarrassed." Therefore, it isn't eligible to win this round. However, your entry still earns you 500 gift points and a review, so congratulations! On to your review.

I loved this poem. It actually surprised me, to be honest; I expected it to be amateurish because you didn't capitalize either your title or your description line. I recommend you polish up your header, because this poem deserves a stronger introduction.

My favorite part of this piece was the onomatopoeia: "dun dun da dun" and "bang bang bang ding ding ding" - it was innovative and highly descriptive. I also liked all your comparisons; they're so varied! Rocky, Terminator, Johnny Cash, and Boseiphus? What an interesting combination of influences: the fight, and the music... and the whole thing a metaphor for your writing, which is great. Your words, fighting like Rocky, but your cause is the common good. Although, again, I recommend you polish by capitalizing Arnold and Terminator. That's not to say that cummingseque non-capitalization doesn't have its place in poetry, but your lack of consistency lends an amateurish air. If you're going to capitalize Johnny Cash, capitalize Terminator.

I wear back just like the late great Johny Cash
You misspelled "Johnny", and did you mean, "I wear black..."?

I have drug this out... Dragged, perhaps?

The first three stanzas were descriptive and loaded with metaphoric imagery, and your fourth stanza is the "aha!" moment, when the reader realizes what your "fight" is. Your final stanza ties it all together in conclusion, although it's not my favorite part. It's just that I liked the imagery sections so much more.

Looking forward to much more writing out of you. Welcome to Writing.Com! *Smile*

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Review of Mentalist  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, JJ. Per your request, I am reviewing your piece, "Mentalist"  [13+]. Sorry for the delay! I got busy at work. *Blush*

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

"Demons rose from the ground and began to conquer the cities..."
Don't begin. Just do. *Bigsmile*

"Although Lord Goliath was named as king of this new world, Tiberius was the most dangerous of them all." Great hook! You have sucked me right in!

"Although the demons came up, during this time, people mysteriously began receiving psychic abilities." Again with the beginning! Just do. Also, I didn't like the word "receiving" - it's too passive. Exhibiting, maybe? Demonstrating? Something active that still says the same thing.

"The best were recruited to become Guardians who were..." Comma after Guardians

"Baelith was the capital of the world. Thousands of humans are held captive with in its walls and the rest aren’t much better off." Watch your tense. You went from "was" to "are" and "aren't"

Okay, at this point, I'm feeling like I'm reading a history book. Although the story itself intrigues me, and I wonder what hero or heroes will come out of this academy, I would rather see a story begin with action instead of background. Maybe you can dive right into the action, with Tiberius looking for a kill, and sneak in the background information about who he is, how he came to be, where they are, and what the academy is later? That would also help address my next comment, which is:

"Tiberius was walking around searching for a kill." Make this active by saying: "Tiberius walked around searching for a kill." Or, "Tiberius searched for a kill." Jump right into the action.

"Normally, he saw hundreds of people running for there lives," Should be "their"

And, also regarding this sentence, it's an example of general wordiness throughout:

"Normally, he saw hundreds of people running for there lives, or guardians to fight, but today there were no people to terrorize, or guardians to put his skills to the test."

Twice, you've told me that there are no people or guardians. The first time, you implied it when you said, "Normally, he saw..." Then you said it again here: "but today there were no..." If you clean up your sentences and get to the point, the reader is not bogged down by your words, and is sucked instead into the STORY. An example:

"Normally, he saw hundreds of people running for their lives, or guardians to fight, but not today."

This cuts your sentence almost in half without sacrificing content in the least.

In a related comment, watch your word repetition in close proximity. It's distracting. Examples:

"stood in the dark alleys in Eastern Baelith... Tired of roaming, he stopped in a dark alley..." (dark alley)

"Tired of roaming...
He was sick and tired..."
(tired)

"pondered the woman."
? I thought you just said she was "a young blond-haired girl"

"You guardians are an arrogant lot"
Earlier, you capitalized "Guardians"

"And I have come to atone your sins"
I even looked this up at dictionary.com to be sure I wasn't missing a meaning, but your use of "atone" feels wrong. Normally, the sinner atones his own sins, because to atone means to make amends. You might be able to argue your side on this one, because the definition doesn't clearly exclude your use.

"The pain began to rise as his skin began to boil..."
More examples of "began" - try this:

"The pain rose as his skin boiled..."

"as he cried out in pain. The pain began to rise... He could feel thousands of people’s pain... as he screamed out in pain... The cries of every person... in pain now..."
Word repetition: You said "pain" five times.

"he fell deep within his mind. He was falling deep within a pit..." Repetition.

"As he threw her to the ground, he licks the blood left on his palm and walks away." Watch your tense: "threw" / "licks" / "walks" - and by the way, ew. *Sick**Bigsmile*

Okay, hopefully you're getting the idea, because if I continue with this level of detail, my review will be longer than your piece! So now I'll just concentrate on plot and characters, and let you handle the editing of everything starting with Chapter 2.

I think I love the iPod. You've taken what appeared at first glance to be a far-fetched fantastical piece and brought it closer to home.

Watch your point of view. It's fine to switch point of view in a new chapter, but whose eyes are we seeing Chapter 2 through? You switch from a fly on the wall ("Top that!" said the boy.") to Desmond ("As he turned around, he saw a girl...") to Hazel ("Hazel was overwhelmed with so much aggression...").

Watch your use of "as":
"As he turned around..."
"...said Hazel as she stepped up..."
"As she squinted her eyes..."

Chapter 3, another example of point of view shift, right in the same sentence:
"She had beautifully long brown hair although she didn’t think it was."

"Even the academy’s Memory Menders were no help." JJ, I've said this before about your writing: You are AWESOME at creating believeable settings. You really have a knack for fantasy, because you do a good job creating fantastic worlds and characters. Overall, your characterizations are fabulous. Your storytelling is really good, too. You have an incredible imagination, and you do a good job of bringing your fantasies alive on the page. Your biggest opportunity for improvement is your writing itself, and that comes with time and experience.

"It’s probably not safe to be wandering off with a guy I just met. But it’s probably even less safe for me to be by myself. He’s a guardian and maybe I’ll understand myself better on this journey."
The first sentence, I buy. The part about understand herself better on this journey felt unrealistic. First, how did she know this would be a journey? Second, if it IS a journey, she agreed to join him way too quickly.

"They needed a precog for something and they got what they came for" How on earth did Hazel figure this out so quickly? Give us some hint that she realizes this before she shares it with Desmond.

"“Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken”
Make sure you quote published lyrics and credit the source. *Smile*

"for the first time in a while; Suzume let out a beautiful smile that reminded Kaduro that there is still hope. "
Point of view shift. Suzume can't see her own smile, nor know how Kaduro feels about it.

Formatting: your last chapter is centered.

Okay, I'm totally sucked in. *Smile* I can't wait to see what happens next.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!
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Review of Perception  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love the imagery in this piece, and your metaphor for truth and life, as a prism, diverse with meaning. I LOVE the question you've asked about whether the reader sees that diversity, or is close-minded to the possibilities. I also like your play on words at the end, "do you see just the light," but not, "do you just see the light," which would imply getting it (as in, "seeing the light.") Since the person who sees just the light doesn't "get it," your clever wording is carefully constructed to match the implication.

My suggestions for this piece, if you're interested:

a matter of perception
...felt a bit cliche to me. The phrase is overused, and in a piece as short as yours, anything unoriginal jumps right out. The rest of the words are so incredibly original that I hate to see the piece marred with cliche.

...perception,
In this prism...
No comma is needed here. If you think it needs a pause, congratulations. You already achieved that by starting a new line! *Bigsmile*

Okay, this was a matter of content confusion. You state that truth is perception, which implies that there is no truth, that what I see as truth and what you see as truth can be different, and that's just the nature of truth. Yet you continue by stating that life IS a prism, and you ask if the reader sees the RAINBOW (in a prism, this would be truth), or just LIGHT (which, it's implied, is NOT truth, because life is a prism.) These concepts seem to conflict to me. What do you think? Do you see what I mean? So, is truth steadfast, or is it flexible depending on your perception? Which are you saying?

Poetically, your words are beautiful. I just would have liked to have seen a longer piece. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow, this piece is so personal. I'm almost afraid to review it, because of the nature of it. However, you wouldn't have it set to accept reviews if you didn't want them, so I'll give it a shot. I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

I love your refrain: "No remains left over..." The driving rhythm of the repeated refrain really starts to pound your brain as you read, which fits the theme well.

This is interesting imagery: "Talons on hands and incisors on jaws" - in particular because talons are generally found on feet, but you provide a mixed image of human hands with talons on them. Talons are typically used for gripping, so the mixed image makes me think of desperation, trying to grab at something, at an attacker, at something to grab onto for support... it's well-placed, I think.

Generally speaking, your imagery was fantastic.

I thought a couple things were confusing and could use polish, but let me know if you disagree:

Engulf us into staring at distortions of ourself
I love what you're saying here. I struggled a little with "engulf" though. I like it by itself, and I like the "staring at..." phrase, but "engulf us into" felt awkward.

you were the theft
This was just a strange way to say this, I thought. I didn't get the comparison at all.

I'm a survivor in people's hearts
I THINK you meant that in people's hearts, you're a survivor, not a victim. However, this reads like you're gone, but you live on in people's hearts. Maybe I read it wrong.

One tiny swallow would send you that quickly back to hell
Although you don't have specific line length or syllable rules in this piece, this line felt really wordy. Some other lines that felt a tad wordy, but not as bad as this one, included:

But I can prove the experts' sad mistake
(just thought "sad" slowed it down unnecessarily)

At least I hope you've had some sort of lust-purging vision
(felt like too many phrases: "at least"; "I hope"; "you've had"; "some sort of")

I hope you found my comments helpful. Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of illusionist  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
That horrid siren! Who does she think she is? *Laugh*

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

I liked the playful tone of this piece. It isn't depressing at all, mourning over that which cannot be; instead, it pokes fun at the object of affection.

I also liked the conversational style of the piece, as if you are giving advice to a friend.

I was curious about some of your word choices... I wasn't sure if they made sense. For example, this line:

But now I've said too much
Why? Are you not permitted to council this friend against chasing her for some reason? If so, why? You never give another hint about this anywhere else in the piece.

She might not be all femme fatale
This makes her difficult to read, and uncatchable? This seems contrary, because a femme fatale would be highly catchable - how can she be dangerous if you can't catch her? There may be some possibilities... for example, if she strings you along with promises of the catch in exchange for granting her wishes. But that's not really how your piece reads - it reads like she's cool and aloof, vaporous, slipping from your fingers.

I think we all can learn
Where all the fun's in chasing that
With which we'll never get a turn
First, I noticed that you used the word "all" four times in your short poem, which I found a bit distracting. Second, I don't understand this phrase. We can learn where all the fun is? (1) How can we learn this? (2) Where is the fun? It might be confusion based on some grammatical issues, because you have so many subject/verb pairs in this phrase that they're hard to keep straight: "I think"; "We can"; "Fun is"; and "We will" - try writing this phrase out as a sentence and see if you understand my confusion. I don't understand your use of the word "where", essentially. It seems the word "that" might make more sense, but that would be distracting word repetition, too.

Okay, one more comment: I like imagery in poetry, and I didn't get any in yours. I would have liked some kind of comparisons, action statements, anything to put a picture in my head. You've spent four stanza telling me that she's a vixen, but you haven't shown me with one single action or visualization. You have such a good opportunity for it, too, based on your title: Illusionist (oh, and I wondered why it wasn't capitalized? Was that intentional)? You called your poem "Illusionist" but never gave me a single illusion - not one. Can you find a way? It's a fun challenge for a poet. *Thumbsup* Put that girl in my head, and make me feel that internal conflict for myself - the one that in which I want her, but I mourn that I'll never have her. Make me FEEL it. Don't just tell me about it. "Show, don't tell." Bitter love is such a wonderful topic for poetry, with so much potential, and your character is great for it. *Bigsmile*

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of Sonnet 1  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, and welcome to Writing.Com! I just read your poem, "Sonnet 1," and I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

I think it's lovely that you've written a poem for your girlfriend. I am sure she appreciates your thoughtfulness. You have some nice imagery, such as:

Golden waves radiate against the sun

and

Love is in my mind like a mouse on a wheel

Very well done.

You also did a good job following a traditional sonnet form, with three stanzas and a couplet, but I was confused about which form you're following with your rhyme scheme, which appears to be abab cddc effe gg? I can't find a sonnet form that matches this, but maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

I was put off right from the start by your description, which is partially in lower-case, and partially in all caps, plus the three exclamation points and "haha" (which makes me wonder if it's really for your girlfriend?) The whole description just seemed amateurish.

I thought this was an odd analogy:
Her presence stuns me in place like a gun

I understand what you're going for, but it seems so out of place in this otherwise romantic piece.

This was also a strange analogy, although I'm sure it works for some:
Because she is the meat on my gold plate

Personally, I wasn't fond of it.

This just felt cumbersome:
...heeding my deal
of confessions of an undying Love

First, I didn't understand the use of the word "deal", and second, I tripped over the multiple use of "of".

I do love your closing line. What woman would not wish to be the Muse of a poet? *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of First Love  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, and welcome to Writing.Com! This was a dark, emotional poem about... a relationship with another? Your genre and description make it clear that this is so, however, another interpretation occurred to me. It could be that the narrator is talking to death, wanting to be held by death, the fatal cure.

The writing itself is mechanically good (correct grammar, usage, and spelling.) As a poem, I would have personally liked to see more imagery and less monologue.

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

Personally, I'm not a fan of depressing poetry, but I think you've tackled the topic well.

I liked the lyric rhythm of this piece. It had a nice, easy-to-read flow. I did think the flow was interrupted here:
And the way you act means
You really don't know
Not only was the flow interrupted, but I felt like you threw down the best wording you could come up with at the time, and I wonder if there's a better way to say this? The phrase "the way you act means" felt like telling (can you show? how does this individual act? Can I, the reader, interpret on my own what the actions mean?)

I felt the same way about this line:
I see
Everything as being so obscure
The phrase "as being" bothered me. Again, I wonder if there's a better way?

Overall, I would have loved to see more imagery. Perhaps you could use the "Death" analogy, comparing this individual to Death with images of darkness and emptiness?

This is another opportunity for imagery. When you say, "I see," you have opened the door to showing us what you SEE. Not how you see it ("obscure"), but WHAT you see. Can give the reader images that implies "obscure"?

I wondered why the capitalization in "Captivate"?

Although the narrator is resigned to the fact that this relationship won't last, he/she still holds onto the possibility that it will, it seems. I like that conflict.

I hope you've found my comments helpful. Thank you for sharing your work. Write on! *Smile*
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Review of Poetry Forms  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
Wow. I don't think I've ever seen such an extensive list of poetry forms. The descriptions are amazing. They're easy to follow, and the examples drive the points home. I can't believe all the original examples. A lot of work was put into this guide.

A quick note, there's a dead link in entry #399283 "Minute" 
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing this piece per your request on the Review Request Page. *Smile* I found the piece to be a powerful social statement.

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

I loved your repetition of the phrases:
And I laughed that fake little laugh I always laugh when people say that s***
It really drove the point home. I did wonder, though, why you separated it into two lines in most of the stanzas, but you kept it all on one line in the second? You also didn't include the preceding line, which you did include in all the other stanzas: "I laughed, even though it wasn't funny"
I like the refrain feel of that series of lines.

I also like the dichotomy, beginning the piece with what appears to be a white friend comparing the narrator to a black girl, and then moving to what appears to be a black cousin comparing the narrator to a white person. It gives the whole piece a universal appeal and drives your main premise, which is that the narrator is an individual, unique in every way, and not identified by a subset of the masses.

My favorite line: "Teachin little kids to sing I’m in love with a stripper"

I found a spelling error here:
And said "And you talk like a black girl"
And I lauged too ("laughed")

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of Rust in Peace  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Well, once I got into your piece, I figured out that it was about a car. I was so confused to start. I'll explain why in detail, as well as share some specific comments and suggestions. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

Opening paragraph:
You compare the phrase, "Life is a highway," to "If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car." You then proceeded to talk about a car. This confused me because I've always understood the highway to be a metaphor for life, not the other way around. Therefore, I expected that the car would somehow be a metaphor for the soul, and I thought the piece would be about a soul, not a car. I hope that makes sense - but that's what my mind was wrestling with, so it took me awhile to accept that, no, this piece was really about a car.

Maybe it's because I'm not a "girl that drove a great muscle car." *Blush*

Moving on into the story, I finally understood that you were talking about your first car and your relationship with it.

Some general delivery suggestions:

I saw a handful of incomplete sentences, such as:
And muscle, a lot of muscle.
One thing I learned about a muscle car.

Other grammar/usage suggestions:
The revving of that bad ass engine was like a mating call and I used it for all it was worth. "bad-ass" and comma after "mating call,"

Throughout, I saw a lot of incorrect comma usage.

Should there have been paragraph separations in these two places?
I used it for all it was worth.
To top it off,

and

...cars and young lovers, both.
It was all well and fine...

Just wondering:
I knew that car had no limitations and it needed a crazy man at the wheel.
Did it have to be a man? If so, why? Some kind of strength involved?

And the local law, who were just too glad to see that four-wheeled menace off the road, backed him up. And once Daddy heard about the car’s fame on the drag race circuit, he was just too happy to let it rest, and rust in peace in that farmer’s field. Although this was kind of a sad ending for your first car, it was entertaining to read. I enjoyed your word-play, "rust in peace" (which worked well as your title, too.)

Overall, I enjoyed the premise of your piece. You are reminiscing about your first car, and I especially like the wistful ending, thinking that the old "man-magnet" is still lying in that farmer's field, just waiting for you to claim it. I just think the whole piece can use some editing polish, and in particular, the opening paragraph confused me.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of A FairyTale  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I love the premise of this piece! It is so real. It made me laugh from beginning to end. You mentioned this is a WIP, and the rating reflects that. The piece has a few flow issues and could use some polishing. I have some specific comments and suggestions for you, below. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

One major flow issue happened here:
And for a while the knight was lost...
...And her knight became her nightmare and still they stayed together mainly out of habit.
You never mentioned his return?

Another flow issue:
Then one day, the knight stood tall...
Why? This seemed abrupt, and I felt like something should have prompted it.

Also, some formatting issues: (1) There is extra space between "...there was none." and "Then one day, they looked at each other and laughed." (2) There is no space between "...a little habit called LOVE." and "And if they didn't live..."

Normally I comment on rambling, run-on sentences, but it works well in this piece. However, grammar and usage rules should still be followed. Here are some examples:

Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess and she met her knight in shining armor and they rode off on his faithful steed into the sunset and they rode through clouds of glory.
(1)Comma after "princess," because "she met" is an independent clause after "and."
(2)Comma after "armor," because "they rode" is an independent clause after "and."

Aside: I love the satire in your cliches, such as "into the sunset" and "clouds of glory."

Another example:
But his armor lost its luster and began to rust, and the horse went lame and they had to shoot it and somewhere along the way they had children who then went off and found fair maidens and princes of their own.
(1)Comma after "lame," ("they had" = independent)
(2)Comma after "children,"

Etc. Let me know if you need more examples, but editing for comma usage in particular would do a lot to polish the piece. I've found my copy of "The Elements of Style" to be a really helpful reference.

I like what you're saying here, but I got hung up on the parenthetic phrase:
...tossed her tiara aside (actually she pawned it)
Is there a smoother way to say this?

So though, he would slay a dragon, now and again, or march off to some campaign, when he returned home hoping for his ROYAL WELCOME: there was none.
A comma after "So," would be acceptable, but there should not be one after "though". I also wondered why the all-caps on "ROYAL WELCOME" - in fact, wondered the same thing about "LOVE" in the next paragraph.

I love your closing. Yep, at least they lived. The whole analogy, comparing life to a fairy tale in a fresh, satirical way, was fun to read. Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, this is the second piece of yours that I've read, and I love your images. They take me there. Second: lyrics! *Delight* I love lyrics. I am a musician, and would love to hear this, if there's a melody.

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

Talk about sucking me in: Your opening lines are awesome.

I did read your lyrics aloud, and have a comment about flow. Most of it was pretty good. I got a little tongue-tied here:
down to the gutter - it's a small push or leap

Also, your use of the word "leap" doesn't make sense, because you said "It's not all that far..." but a leap implies distance.

Your refrains is cool. I actually said "cute" when I first read it aloud, but I meant that in a good way and hope you aren't offended by that.

This line made me laugh out loud:
and sucked into a black hole called the "I.R.S."

Very fun. Again, would love to hear it.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of 68 Minutes  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What an incredible social statement! I love that you've created conflict for your narrator, which in turn, creates conflict in me as I read. It draws me in and makes me empathize.

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

The low hum of the engine,
the rocking of the bus,
Right off the bat, you suck me in with engaging imagery. *Thumbsup*

but no matter how I try
I know I cannot hide.
This felt a bit forced, like you were trying to fit the meter. The word repetition, "I," jumped out at me: "I try/I know I cannot" I found a couple of examples of wording throughout that felt forced to me.

He’s just another boy
tall and gangly,
that’s been labeled “special”
Just some punctuation and wording suggestions here, perhaps a comma after "boy," so you set apart "tall and gangly" on both sides? I also personally recommend "who's" instead of "that's" - especially in a piece like this, in which you are making a social statement about the HUMANITY of this person. Make him a "who," not a "that."

and I find that my eyes drop.
POWERFUL stuff. It makes you ache, knowing what the right thing to do is, knowing you should be doing, but just not quite being able to bring yourself to? Very well expressed. You continue to express this internal conflict with your prayer.

And so for 68 minutes
Again, nice imagery. Strange to define time as imagery, but it takes me to that seat on the bus, anxiety growing the whole way.

but the wounds that I have witnessed
will last OUR whole lifetime.
So true.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Rated: E | (3.5)
This story was funny! It's even funnier knowing that it actually happened to you.

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

Your first paragraph was fabulous! It sucked me right in to the story, because in the first sentence, it sounds like your protagonist is just on an everyday camping trip, but in the second sentence, you hint that the she thinks she's going to die. Talk about shock value! Right away, I wanted to know what had happened to place her in this situation.

One suggestion I have about your writing concerns passive voice. Passive voice is slow to read, which slows down the pace of your story. Action keeps the piece moving. Let me give you some examples:

My life was flashing before my eyes.
How about, "My life FLASHED before my eyes."?

Also, it helps move a story along if you jumps straight to action instead of "beginning" or "starting" to do it, like here:

The sun was beginning to creep toward the edge of the sky, and the mosquitos were beginning to feast.
How about, "The sun CREPT toward the edge of the sky, and mosquitoes FEASTED." (Also note the spelling error, "mosquitoes")

Nice sarcasm here: The conversation was stimulating. *Laugh*

Here's another suggestion - word repetition. When you repeat words in close proximity, a reader starts to notice the words instead of what your words are saying. You want the reader to read the story, not your words. So, for example:

However they soon quickly devoured... In this paragraph and the next, you used the word "soon" three times.

Actually, you use the word "soon" often, and like "began," it pulled me out of the story. With the exception of the flashback, the piece is written chronologically. I can envision that first the girls climbed into their sleeping bags, and then they dropped off to sleep. "Soon" is unnecessary, because it doesn't add any new information for me, the reader.

I opened my eyes and found myself staring into two giant nostrils.
Great imagery, here. *Thumbsup* I could totally imagine this.

We tried everything we could think of. We pushed. We prodded. We even tried bribery, but to no avail. They ignored us and continued to chew up the tarp.
This line had me laughing out loud. At the time, it probably wasn't funny, but looking back, it's hilarious.

Your title and final paragraph are perfect.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of Fallen Luminary  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow. This is an intensely powerful piece that spoke volumes to me about sin, pain, regret, forgiveness, faith, and acceptance. Very well done.

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

Your imagery is outstanding, as is your use of metaphor. You aren't afraid to make a social statement, which gives strength to your piece and draws the reader in, particularly in your second stanza.

I liked your use of repetition with the cracked asphalt phrase. However, it jumped out at me that you used it inconsistently (stanza 1, line 2; stanza 2, line 3; stanza 3, line 2; stanza 4, not at all). My personal preference would be that you establish the pattern, whatever you choose it to be, and follow it, specifically because it is repetitive and intentionally noticeable. It may be that you had a layer of meaning built into the lack of pattern that I missed.

My least favorite line was actually your opening line:
The illustration of my heart...

First, I'm not sure what the intent of the ellipses were at the end of the first line of each stanza. Is this to slow the pace down? Or are you setting your scene for the stanza, and then dissolving into it, like a dissolve in a film? It seems to be the latter in stanzas 1 and 2 (first you tell me what you're illustrating, then you dissolve into the imagery), but in stanzas 3 and 4, you seem to be already in your setting in the first line (you place yourself in your private hells in 3, and in 4, you're giving me visuals in the church sanctuary already in the first line.) I would have liked to see consistency, one way or another, and if you go with jumping right into your setting, I'm not personally a fan of the ellipses. Your call, of course.

We are all fallen luminaries, aren't we? We screw up again and again because we're human, and therefore, we're not alone in that nobody is immune to sin. Very powerful stuff.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of I am One  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a powerful concept you demonstrate with this piece. Wonderful job!

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

In a realm where all is silent
In a world where all is still
This felt repetitive to me, like the lines say exactly the same thing.

In a land where action fails
I move my hands, and I am one
Beautiful! Nice imagery, and nice job advancing your premise. This demonstrates the originality you are trying to encourage.

In the endless abyss of solitude
In the eternal darkness of isolation
This also felt repetitive.

I show originality, and I am one
I didn't like this as much as 'I move my hands' because it doesn't paint a picture in my head. I love the imagery in the previous stanza. Maybe you can show me how you show originality instead of telling me you do it? Is there a way? Just an idea. *Smile*

I light the torch and shine the light
Where none has shone before
Good imagery here. Showing. I like it.

I try to free others of their sorrow
This felt more like telling to me. Can you use imagery to demonstrate sorrow?

Yet more join us in the light
and
We stand together, and I am one
Yes!!! I love this! This drives your point home. I love the picture you've painted here. I imagine countless faces in the light, all different sizes and shapes and colors, with different features and accents, as varied as they could possibly be. Now THAT is imagery. *Thumbsup*

I am one… of many.
Beautiful.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, and welcome to Writing.Com!

Per your request on the Review Request page, I am reviewing your story. It's a cool story, and I'm curious about your description line. Your grandmother? Or the grandmother of your unknown narrator?

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

I like the scene you started with. You made me feel Vivian's impatience with the mundane. I particularly liked this line:

Her tired blue eyes drifted once again to the dingy clock that was a present to them from Mr. Capone on their wedding day.
You've said so much in this one sentence. Al Capone gave them a wedding present, so apparently, they're in his favor. Her eyes are tired, which implies that she is tired, not from lack of sleep, but from life. Her eyes drifting toward the clock indicate that she's waiting. Since you just told us about the errand, we know what she's waiting for. Your economy of words in this one sentence is fabulous.

After the first hour she was mildly annoyed, hour two brought anger and the hour before this one brought forth resolution.
I was really confused by this until I got two paragraphs later, where it spelled out that she'd waited four hours. Then I re-read this and it made sense.

The husband for whom she tried to be the model wife, was so much less than perfect.
No comma after "wife" unless you also include one after "husband"

The only worthwhile thing he had ever been a part of was their children, not that he was a great father, but at least he was there for the conception.
This made me snicker.

As smoke lifted up from her Pall Mall she realized what she had forgotten, herself.
Maybe a colon instead of a comma after forgotten?

Not forgotten herself like being rude, but in the sense of self neglect.
I didn't understand the "like being rude" part at all. In fact, I had already assumed you meant she'd neglected herself, so I'm not sure why a clarifier was need; regardless, the clarifier confused me more than it cleared things up.

Vivian had already made up her mind, the lies and secrets were not going to be part of her or her girl’s world.
Multiple girls? Should be girls'

Grim determination etched upon his wives weary face.
This is an incomplete sentence. Also, it should be "wife's".

Her blue eyes were framed by sooty black lashes and her dark brown hair gave just the right glow to her flawless skin.
Great description! *Thumbsup*

she turned to face the man that smelled of perfume, and not hers.
Nice touch. Again with the economy of words: You advanced the action in your story, while sprinkling in a description that tells us not only what he smells like, but exactly what went on this night. Great job!

And while I’m on the subject of lies, why is Mr. Capone recreating in our basement.
Question mark. There are a number of editorial errors like this, and I'm not necessarily pointing them all out.

The action was so fast that Vivian hit the floor before she could react.
This whole scene was very well-written (although, check for editorial errors). It moved at just the right pace, and the descriptions were just vivid enough for me to picture the fight. It can be difficult to balance action with description, but in my opinion, you did a great job here.

I loved your closing paragraph. The metaphor of the rain washing away the filth of Vivian's old life was beautiful.

Thank you for sharing your work. Write on! *Smile*
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Review of Complex Numbers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You are one very funny writer. I immediately click on your blog every time it pops up to the top of my favorites, because I know I'm likely to have my spirits lifted by whatever it was you had to say. I would just like to see you posting every day, because it's something I look forward to. *Smile*

Joke on. *Left* Hm. It sort of loses its word-play punch, doesn't it?
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Review of Amygdalia's Blog  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Amy, I am loving following along with your family, your achievements, your dreams, and your struggles. You are a wonderful person, and I love seeing you live life. Hang in there when you find yourself struggling. It's only temporary. Spring will be here before you know it. *Heart* I hate winter, too.

I love your logo. *Smile*

The only complaints I have are that (1) I'd like to see more posts from you, and (2) What happened to Movie Review Mondays?? *Bigsmile* You get me all psyched about it in your intro.
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Review of One of Them  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Great job on your story! Thriller/Suspense is perfect. You had me on edge from beginning to end. *Delight*

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

Opening line: Engaging. It sucked me right in.

Cliques roamed the halls in search of prey, and the jocks shot spitballs at the nerds in Calculus;
Nice touch of humor, here.

To compensate, he dozed off in History class, a small drop of drool looming on his lips.
Yum. Nice imagery. *Thumbsup*

The speaker was none other than Mr. Wellman, the history teacher.
Cute, but since you're telling this from Danny's perspective, it made me wonder why the heck Danny was surprised that the history teacher was yelling at him (say, as opposed to some other teacher.) "none other than" implied surprise to me.

sending his books flying off his desk.
Again with the imagery. Nice.

forcing himself not to shout at him about his dwarfish stature or puffy red face.
Funny AND descriptive.

He retrieved his book and Mr. Wellman continued
Comma after "book"

hoard down the fat dripping food
fat-dripping

something tofu, an apple, and some crackers, and his favorite, red Jell-O.
No "and" before "some crackers"

“Hope you choke.” grumbled Danny.
Comma after choke instead of period.

“Hey there sunshine” said a voice
Comma after "there" and after "sunshine"

that only made people believe he was hunch backed
hunch-backed

On the scrawny side, he was almost a constant target for bullies
It surprises me that anyone 6'2" would be a target, even if scrawny

his black rimmed glassed made him look more like a target then ever.
Okay, maybe I get it now. Making him out like a bit of a geek? I love your descriptions, by the way. Detailed enough to put a picture in my head, but not so detailed that it slows down the action.

Things didn’t get much normal
Do you mean much "more" normal?

“Now this is really weird” mumbled Danny
Comma after "weird"

When Danny reached his classroom, he found himself wishing for something normal. When he opened the door, 23 sets of eyes, including the teacher’s, fixated on him.
First, you've been doing great up until this point on keeping your writing fresh and unique, so congrats on that. *Thumbsup* I'm impressed. You had word repetition with "normal" here, which jumped out at me. It slowed me down. So far, the pace has been perfect, so slowing me down bums me out. *Bigsmile* Second, I didn't like your repeated sentence format in this paragraph: WHEN he reached, this happened, WHEN he opened, that happened. Also slowed me down.

Apart from that, I love this paragraph. Eerie. I'm wondering what the heck is going on.

“That was hilarious!” said one of the girls.
This whole exchange made me laugh, too.

Danny judged that he really would never actually used Advanced Calculus in real life
"use" - also, loved the line.

Danny reiterated his morning to Chris, skipping the dream about the rock star though.
This made me laugh, although, you need a comma after "star"

“Are you okay Danny?” Chris asked, though Danny wasn’t too certain about his sympathy.
Comma after "okay".

Chris suddenly straightened up stiff. His pupils grew large, and then shrunk back again.
Whoa. Weird. Good job with the imagery, again. You have a knack for description.

He sounded just like the guys from this morning.
Which guys from this morning? The jocks that wanted to high-five him? Because you never mentioned that the jocks sounded like they were speaking in voices that weren't their own. I couldn't quite figure out the comparison, here.

maybe something is wrong with me…
Take it easy on the ellipses. If you use an emphasis punctuation too often it loses its impact and just looks sloppy.

Danny headed to the nurse’s office...
I thought you might have said "Danny" too many times, unnecessarily, in this paragraph. There's only one "he" here, so assume the reader will follow if you use pronouns. Another note about the paragraph - it's funny, in a sad way.

Sitting as a desk, focused on a piece of paper,
You mean "at" a desk? *Laugh* I hope the woman didn't look like a desk.

She spun around, smiling bright, her eyes soulless spheres of hazel.
Again with the great descriptions!

Instead she unsheathed a scalpel, glinting in the fluorescent light.
Whoa! You have my rapt attention.

exactly like the girls from 1st period.
"girl's"

racing out into the office nearly running into
"and" between office and nearly

He barely heard the click-clack of high-heels over his shaking breath approach him
Ambiguous. His shaking breath approached him? I liked the sound descriptions.

Definitely not normal, thought Danny.
*Laugh* The understatement of the century?

Maybe he’s still got some sense in him. Still hopeful
Word repetition: "still"

Despite his quest for normalcy having been thrown out the window when the nurse pulled out the scalpel, Danny walked slower in order to make out their conversation.
This was a rather wordy sentence. Also, it didn't make much sense, because he's trying to "make out their conversation" despite the fact that he's no longer seeking normalcy? Are you sure he's not eavesdropping because he's not seeking normalcy, as in, he's finally accepting that things are not normal, and is eavesdropping to find out why?

Another tear fell down his cheek, not you too…
Comma after "you," and maybe italicize the phrase to indicate that it's a thought.

When lunch came, Danny was all alone
I'm confused. I thought it already was lunch? The lunch bell rang three paragraphs ago.

He shuffled as unsuspicious as he could so he could get a closer look.
"unsuspiciously" because it's an adverb. You might try "surreptitiously," just because it's a cooler word. *Wink* "discretely" would also work.

The serum was in the food!
Dan the Private Investigator. *Thumbsup* Love it!

Great ending! I did not see that coming.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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