The people who didn't live during the years of women "staying in their places" don't understand how free we are now. I'm glad, though, that you were able to find your place. Your story is well written, organized well, and has support with your ideas, experiences, and comparison of life then and now.
Isn't there an a missing before teacher in "...I had some kind and encouraging words from teacher..." ?
If you could avoid the vague it, your writing would be tighter and more concise. An example of a possible revision of "I wondered why it couldn’t be that the position of youth director could be one’s actual career goal..." might be "I wondered why the position of youth director couldn't be one's actual career goal..."
Check for run-on sentences. By adding a comma before the conjunction, the problem can be repaired.
If you revise and would like me to review again, please let me know.
This poem holds some excellent imagery. It portrays dying as a blackness that engulfs the person, very strong painting with words. I especially liked "And my body craves gravity."
I would suggest some correcting of punctuation. In line three, a comma is needed after breath (which should be breathe). A comma is needed at the end of five rather than a period. The same for the end of line seven.
Lines nine and ten seem very long. You might consider dividing them into shorter lines.
Lines two through seven seem choppy. One suggestion would be to join some of the ideas into the same sentences. An example of what I mean is shown for lines four and five:
I must be dying I think to myself,
As I fall into the black nothing.
An amazing word portrait of pain and agony that most of us can only think of understanding. My heart aches for what a victim of such horror must relive over and over. The wording is dark and deep with emotion. The message yells from the lines of poetry. You manage to portray an outrage with great clarity.
A few places, the punctuation needs revising. If you need someone to edit for you, let me know.
The pronoun it is over used, and too close together.
If you revise this poem, please let me know so that I can review it and adjust the rate.
The control of the words in this poem influences the reader, creating a vivid portrait of, yes, of insanity. The visual impact of the pictures formed through written "Charades" doesn't leave even after I finished reading the poetry. It doesn't matter whether I agree or disagree with the message sent; I received it.
The minor problem I found was in the line in the next to last stanza being "slice through..." I believe a comma is needed after "world" and after "small." Also, maybe dividing the line into two would help the appearance.
I should never have read this immediately after reading "Call Of The Returning Geese" . This poem is fun and humorous, which is one of your talents, Harry, but it doesn't have the raw power of the first one I reviewed this early, early morning. I guess the rating is a result of the comparison more than any definite flaw in this poem.
An overwhelming portrait of hope, this poem holds imagery that speaks to the reader with force and power. Every sense is teased except taste. Ah, Harry, I think this is one of your best. I hope many readers visit this piece and allows it to settle in their minds for a long stay.
Just a taste to whet the appetite:
As I look skyward, a flock of geese,
V-ing northward, are silhouetted
against the full moon –
amazingly picturesque!
Amazingly picturesque describes this verse. Bravo, Harry.
Amazingly powerful verse brings forth great emotion. I had to read this several times, not to understand but to absorb all it offered.
The only change I might suggest is the form the lines in parenthesis takes. I think that a comma is needed at the end of the lines before those in parenthesis.
You are a great writer with a talent for creating imagery.
The rating is for the poem itself. The words came together to create such a picture of pain and love and despair and hope that my mind reels. I'm glad that you do have contact again.
I know how hard going back over work with such heart-rendering pain can be. However, if you can, you can strengthen this by using more punctuation in the poem itself.
*bulltet* The narration has a few grammatical problems. If you would like help editing, let me know.
This long, story-poem reminds me of the epics of yore. The amazingly rhymic piece has mostly excellent rhyme and kept my interest throughout, a remarkable tale in verse.
The punctuation needs work in places to avoid sentence fragments.
The rhyme is off in places such as miles and while. A bit of rewording could make "mile" possible, for example "many a mile." Some of the other plurals, which cause the rhyme to not be true, could also be tweeked in the same way.
If you revise, please let me know because I'd like to review this again.
This poem fills the senses. The imagery created is tight and vivid. Your use of words does what poetry is supposed to do, make concise images in the mind of the reader.
Outstanding imagery with a strong underlying message, this poem definitely did turn into something a bit different. Stong use of poetic language and devices.
What a delightfully realistic story with such a wonderfully funny ending! I enjoyed the build up to the climax. In most parts the language is sharp and clear, with a good vocabulary creating powerful characters and an experience that makes the reader feel a part of the story.
This writing would have been much stronger and tighter without the occasional "potty" word.
If you decide to revise, please let me know so that I can revise again.
As usual, Harry, your poem does tell an "exquisite" story. You manage to pack so much in so few words.
Having two quotes side by side, as you do in the bottom of the first stanza, still bugs me, but one error, not counting that, is in the last line: I"ll should be I'll.
To be grammatically correct, with a participle, the possessive form of a pronoun or noun should be used before the participle: "his sitting with back against..."
Again, a wonderful story in verse, which I enjoyed very much.
Very good writing, I enjoyed the account, not the aggravation you encountered.
If you are really considering sending this to anyone, the lenghth would be a problem. The editor of your newspaper might be willing to edit it for lenghth, but any government official wouldn't bother to read it, I'm afraid.
You might first call your local newspaper and speak to them. The paper might be helpful.
A really funny, enjoyable story. Children would love hearing it or reading it, but there seem to be some 'adult' undertones.
The only problems I found were with punctuation and spelling.
We’ve been ‘ere for over two
‘undred years a comma is needed after years and Kris has yet to let us have time off to take a trip home to
The word "oh" should always be set off by commas.
A few places, a comma was used after 'someone said' when a period was needed. The quotation then began with a word beginning with a lowercase letter, which should be capitalized.
Your means belonging to you; you're means you are.
An exciting start to a fantasy. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book.
I did find a few problems. If unsure about some of the ways to correct or what my remarks mean, you might check "Expert Writing Tips" .
"At one time it was a rare sight to see one in the valley" You can avoid a vague "it" by revising the sentence. An example: "At one time, seeing one in the valley was a rare sight." To avoid both the vague "it" and a state-of-being verb, "At one time, a person rarely saw a goblin in the valley."
"The Kingdom of Blackwood was surrounded by mountains on three sides and by the Salmon River on the fourth."
You have been writing in past tense before this next part. "Only a crater marks where the capital city once stood," which is in present tense. Please keep your verb tenses consistent.
"Ignoring the falling rocks, he swung the halberd at its legs, catching it above the knee." Unclear pronoun reference.
What an entertaining and enjoyable piece. I'm a "I need light, light, light" person myself, while my husband is a "turn off those lights" person. You have so creatively described our situation in reverse.
Your descriptions are sharp and clear. In my mind's eye, I can see the scenes you create with words.
Except for a few problem, this is perfect. In fact if you revise, please let me know so that I can rate and review again.
To me, light is like a spider: stay outside and we’ll get along just fine. Inside, we are enemies. "...stay outside" needs a comma after outside so that you don't have a run-on.
But hey: at least I don’t run away screaming This needs some re-punctuating. "But, hey, at least I don't run..."
Another suggestion, try to void starting a sentence with a coorindating conjunction (and, or, but, etc.).
This way the room has a definite evening feel but I can still make out my goldfish crackers and glass of coke This sentence is a run-on. A comma is needed after "feel."
Another good moral and tale, Harry. You pack a lot of whallop into a few words.
The first line seems a bit awkward, though. Could you possibly change it to something like "A man and a boy head toward..." or "A man and a boy start to enter a..."?
Interestingly funny and human, since many of us have been in a similar situation.
This piece does contain some grammar/punctuation problems.
Please keep your verb tenses consistant. You're writing in past tense, then change to present with "Big Boss is involved..."
Be careful of punctuation. "Even Marie in Marketing; her nose has been in more..." A comma after Marketing is needed rather than a semi-colon. A comma is needed before "too" in "The little bugger knows it, too."
and after "Well," in the next sentence.
Watch sentence structure You have a few run-on sentences. When two or more dependant clauses (can be sentences all by themselves) are joined with just a conjunction (need a comma or semi-colon before conjunction), a run-on occurs.
Do let me know if and when you make revisions so that I can re-review and rate.
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Could you find a synomym for "errand" or "errands"? The use of those two words seems a bit overdone.
A few places, the punctuation needs revising. If you need someone to edit for you, let me know.