I'm giving a higher rate than I would for a shorter item with a couple of questionable areas. The over all chapter is extremely well written. You've managed to capture my attention by setting the scene and the hook.
A suggestion, you might want to put thoughts in italics, for example, Barring any unforeseen delays, I’ll be done by two o’clock,
To help make your writing stronger, you might avoid using second person (you, your, etc) except in dialogue.
Another suggestion, you might want to avoid that vague 'it' as much as possible. It was a beautiful day can become "The day was beautiful," and 'it' is avoided.
Okay, the following isn't believable: don’t know what’s happening; a cop drove down the street while ago, telling everyone to stay inside with the doors and windows closed over his P.A. system. Shouldn't it be, "A cop drove down the street while ago, telling everyone over his P.A. system to stay inside with the doors and windows closed"?
How did the policeman know that Dusty lived there? He told Dusty to go straight home, etc. Shouldn't you have something said about Dusty living there?
You have the beginning of a good story, and your descriptions are often well crafted.
Please divide this into paragraphs. Each time someone speaks should be a different one, as should every time the idea changes.
I would like to see you lenghten this and 'flesh' it out into more of a story rather than a brief narrative. You would then have a powerful work.
If you could avoid cliches or slang terms, such as "he was going to go down," your story would be smoother. "Go down" is a slang term because you don't really mean that he literally is going down.
I hope you continue to write and to develop your talent.
I'm glad to see you posting your work on Writing.Com.
I really like the imagery in this poem. You use words creatively and precisely (except for one portion).
You use the words the road that has seen its years twice. I don't know why that phrase seems awkward or out of place to me, but it does. I'm not quite sure what you mean.
You have a unique talent that I'm going to enjoy watching develop.
Your daughters are so fortunate to have you tell them bedtime stories every night. From now on, when I read one of your delightful tales, I will pretend I'm listening to you tell those four girls the one I'm reading.
I'm glad to have been given the talent and the desire to share your vivid imagination with the world. Thank you for allowing me to share.
I'm never quite sure how to review and rate contests, forums, etc., but this one helps so many, is for such a worthy cause, that I had to post a review to help publicize it.
Your poem has much meaning in the lines you've written. I had to read it several times to really understand it, though, because the lack of some needed punctuation helped hide what you were saying.
I liked the stark reality that you present not only in words but in the short, choppy lines.
You kept me interested from the first words to the last. You do have a way of using words as tools to entrap readers. I bet you do the same with spoken words when you tell your four girls stories.
Just a suggestion that would help your writing be stronger, don't use second person in this article. For example the following could be stronger if you used we rather than you, our rather than your, etc. One of the most exciting things you get to do as a grownup though is getting married and raising a bunch of kids of your own. As a parent, I’ve found, you never want your children to grow up. It would be so wonderful if they could just stay little forever, like in “Neverland”, but that doesn’t happen. They get big too, just like you did; they buy a car so they can go to their job to pay the bills and end up eventually getting married and having children of their own.
You have fewer run-on sentences, but a few still crept in.
Tears form, and a lump chokes my throat. Despite some grammatical problems, you have written this story so well that the reader becomes involved and 'sees' what's happening. Your words leave a huge impact.
I see several run on sentences. One example and a way to repair it is as follows: Outside the little house on Sterrat Street, the birds sang happily and the squirrels chattered at one another as they scurried from tree to tree. A comma is needed after 'happily.'
"Dad was leaving?", he wondered, "Where was mom?" should be "Dad is leaving?" he wondered. "Where is Mom?"
Please, don't let the rate make you think that this work isn't good - it is very good. You have a way of using to words that makes the reader 'see' what you want to be seen. My heart goes out to the people who suffer from 'fat disease.' I'm one of them, one that went from just-right to too-much me. I really like your descriptions of action, of emotion.
You have some spelling, grammar, and punctuation problems. Here are a few examples (if you would like a complete edit, please let me know):
1. My shiny brown hair flowed freely. No ponytail today. "No ponytail today" is a fragment. You might want to replace the period after 'freely' with a comma and make the n in 'no' lower case.
2. Their means belonging to them. But I see there stares... I believe you mean their in this sentence.
3. You wrote in first and third person except in one sentence, Who are you to criticize the way that I look? . Your writing would be stronger if you reworded that sentence. "Who are they to criticize the way that I look?"
Let me know if you revise (and if you would like a complete edit). I would like to re-review and adjust the rate accordingly.
Wow! another excellent insight into real life. I don't know how you do it work after work.
The only question I have is the following line: then into heavy drug use, a college and job dropout. The word 'then' doesn't seem to fit to me. Maybe use 'first'?
The content and the message of this poem cries out to the reader. How sad that sometimes the kindess thing is to kill. As usual, you manage to use words to touch hearts and minds.
Unusual for your storoems, I found a couple of rather major problems.
If you have a comma after 'out,' the run-on sentence in the following will be fixed:
From foxes and rabbits, frogs and snakes,
doves and hawks, deer and wolves, all
animals seek her out and she in turn makes
each feel loved, safe and protected in the
tiny glade where they meet hidden by tall
trees all around.
In the third stanza you talk about 'their eyes,' yet the only plural thing anywhere near are 'abrasions' or 'cuts.' I don't think that's what you meant.
I still find your writings through provoking, even at times heart provoking.
Another unusual tale, Bill. And, as usual, I enjoyed the story. You use dialogue quite effectively. I found some problems, but if you revise, let me know so that I can re-review.
Try to avoid using second person except in dialogue. I (the you that you address) am not in the story, and I don't want to be. I can't see into the forest at all, etc.
Some of your lines are spaced oddly. You might want to look at the public view.
You have several run-on sentences, and some sentences where you have an unneeded comma between the subject and verb.
I forgot to make a note of where, but one place you have 'your' for 'you're.'
I think I caught everything, or most things. Please let me know when, or if, you revise.
This storoem caused my heart to clinch. It's probably one of the more shocking ones I've read of yours. However, it didn't quite meet the smoothness of most of the storoems you write.
The build up of the man's driving through the neighborhood was good, the accident, too, but the attack left me wondering, "Where did that come from." It was too sudden without any motivation. Maybe if you had suggested that the man had taken this shortcut at high speed before... Just a suggestion.
I've just had a three course meal of poetry, and this is dessert. Poetry is by first writing love, and your verses help me remember why. You take words and turn them into pictures for the soul, and for the heart.
My words can't begin to let others know the depth of yours.
I am enthralled. The words of this poem create a message that speaks to my mind and heart - unbelievably wonderful. The underlying message is strong and powerful and so human.
If there are any punctuation or minor problems they were hidden by the creative use of your words.
Not only is the idea for Merit Badges unique and timely, the Merit Badges themselves are works of art. Thank you, Story Mistress, for giving us another way to honor the special people on Writing.Com.
times five is the only rating possible to note another wonderfully thoughtful thing you've done for members.
As usual, Harry, you have a deep message found in your writing. How many times have parents destroyed a child's pleasure with "not now"?
The only problem, very minor, I see is in the first two lines. Using simpler twice somehow distrubs the flow right at the beginning. Maybe you could use "purer" in one place?
Another really good storoem, and if you do decide to revise, please let me know.
A unique blend of emotions and poetic imagery, this poem brought bright pictures of empty rooms to my mind. The depth goes beyond the words found on the surface to almost a portrait of a life that's gone, leaving memories behind.
You have created a wonderful palate of emotion and sensory detail.
Oh, W.D., I love this story! You are such a talented writer, but I never know what you'll write next. This story was priceless.
You need some punctuation help. For example in the following, The box is small and I have to tuck my legs underneath me just to get comfortable , a comma is needed after 'small' to avoid a run-on sentence.
Did you mean 'it's' in the following, rather that it'? “It’ a puppy!
Wow! This story is powerful. The underlying message or meaning isn't spelled out, but, perhaps by not being, the impact is greater. I had to go back and read it again.
One suggestion I have would to be possibly revise part of the second paragraph slightly. Perhaps rewrite it with the following punctuation: It hadn't been much of a hill, really, nothing more than a mound: but they had been rolling down Everest; they had been rolling down K-2; they had been explorers caught in a sudden avalanche, racing at breakneck speed down the rocky face of Pike's Peak.
Do I understand correctly that after the explosion both boys were laughing, or did Roy just imagin they both were?
You have a great talent for creating mental pictures with words.
This tribute to your father has to touch each and every reader. I envy you your loving memories, but I'm so glad you have them. You have such ability to craft your words into mental portraits of emotion.
Viv
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Some of your ideas run together without the use of needed punctuation. The reader doesn't know where one thought ends and anothe begins.
Did you mean 'would you rush' in the following? 