This story I really like, Shaara. It would be great for Young Love in TWAU. You have caught the innocence of young teens discovering each other perfectly. The point of view is that of the teens, too.
You might delete all exclimation points except in dialogue.
Using second person in Her owl with its batman ear tufts looked so real you could almost reach out and touch its softness actually weakens the story. You might subsitute 'he' for 'you.'
You forgot the opening quotation marks in the following: It's really good, you know," he managed to say without his voice cracking too badly.
When you have revised, please let me know. I would like to see this in TWAU.
I'm not much of a horror buff, in fact I don't care for it at all. This story, though, sounds good so far.
The suspense certainly builds.
The first paragraph has a couple of problems that almost lost my interest. You use the word conscious twice and close together, which should be avoided if possible. Secondly, I think you mean consciousness. The wording "He came up to conscious" is ackward, even if you change conscious to consciousness. Maybe he gained consciousness or he gained awareness.
An interesting poem, but since I'm not familiar with either the occasion or the form of the poem, I just have to comment on my reaction to the piece itself.
You have lovely imagery. Even not knowing about the celebration, I can imagin what is happening. That's the mark of a good writer.
The semicolon after 'ignorance' should be a comma, and commas are not needed after 'mirth' or 'love.' The comma after 'blessed' should be a smicolon or a period to avoid the run-on sentence.
This is a very good story with a good lesson included. I did some problems that can be smoothed out, improving the structure.
If you avoid using second person (you, your, etc.) except in dialogue, your writing is stronger. For example,To look at him, you wouldn’t even be able to tell he was slow. Maybe change it to something like To look at him, I couldn't even tell he was slow.
The following, Ben kept tapping her arm every time he asked a question, would be more straight forward as Ben tapped her arm every time he asked a question.
Alright should be all right.
He was dressed all in black with wearing a cowboy hat on, and a toy gun and holster hanging over the middle of his crotch. Perhaps have "...holster handing between his legs," or something like that.
There are other places with unneeded words, like 'looking right at her' doesn't need 'right.'
The lying at the end might send the wrong message to children. Could you come up with a different way? Maybe they ran through a yard with sprinklers on as they ran home?
I hope that W.Com has provided you with an outlet for your pain and agony so that the need for self injury is lessened.
Your poem is full of emotion and imagery that makes my heart cringe. I can understand the need to release pain, but I've always been able to accomplish that through my writing.
One point, I don't understand why you capitalize 'soul' in the last line. Since you use 'my' in front of it, 'soul' should not be capitalized.
Yes, I found a couple of problems, quotation marks in the wrong place, a needed comma, but they cannot distract from the over-all effect and power of this piece.
I tip my hat to you for what you can accomplish with your stereoms. Keep reading and writing and spreading your thoughtful messages.
Oh, WD, this poem is so lonely, lovely, and heartbreaking. I can see the little girl so plainly, and I can relate to her isolation.
I'm also sure that children could relate to her experience, some only too well. I would like to use this poem in TWAU if you would be willing to punctuate it. Please let me know one way or the other.
Everyone should read this piece because it shares the pain a parent feels at his child's suffering and a glimpse of a child alone. Beautifully worded.
I'm a push-over for love poems that tell the beauty of married love, long-lasting love. That concept takes maturity and time to develop and to understand.
If I were your wife, I would want this poem printed, framed, and hung on the wall.
Ah, Harry, another good read. You have such a way with words, that all your poetry, whatever the form, keeps my attention and tickles my imagination.
The wording of the first line seems a bit off. In my mind I see midnight standing somewhere while people walk by it. Perhaps rewording might help. Past midnight, 'the boys' and I are taking a walk.
Very good work. Your message and theme are so true and so well expressed.
I would just suggest that you do use needed punctuation so that your thoughts and ideas are clear and don't run together. I know many people don't think punctuation is needed in poetry. However, unless one is writing only for himself or herself, punctuation helps the reader better understand what is written. If not for the lack of punctuation, this would have 5 stars from me.
You are a very good writer. I'm going to enjoy reading your work, very much enjoy.
Your story has a great concept. I really like the story that you have.
I would just suggest, that if you have someone who can and would, you have it thoroughly edited for gammar problems. If you don't have anyone, and would like an edit, please let me know.
Your poem is a cry of pain. I wish I could reach out and take it away.
You use your words well to describe depression all too clearly.
If you would check your spelling problems and add some needed punctuation to help make understanding your thoughts easier, your poem would be excellent. Wont should be won't; cant should be can't; an should be and.
Please, if this is biographical, I hope you continue to ignore the call of the bottle.
I do like your poetry, Harry. You have a unique way of using words to create the images you want us to sense and see.
The one thing that caught my eye that you might want to fix is the extra short line at the end of the second stanza. Omiting it completely wouldn't hurt your poem and would help the flow.
This trip down memory lane via music held my attention and kept it, despite the R rating.
I never noticed the rating before I clicked the link (because I found in posted on the reviewing forum), so I was a bit shocked to read those, uh, dropping of waste materials in your wording. The thing is, your article would actually be stronger without the added ingredients.
As usual, you manage to use words to build the mental picture you want.
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You might delete all exclimation points except in dialogue.
I never noticed the rating before I clicked the link (because I found in posted on the reviewing forum), so I was a bit shocked to read those, uh, dropping of waste materials in your wording. The thing is, your article would actually be stronger without the added ingredients.
I admire your alliteration sprinkled throughout.
The message comes through loud and clear. Good job of expressing the need for all to stand up to evil in order to vanquish it.