I thoroughly enjoyed the poetic picture you have created with your words used as paint. The poetry is vivid and strong with imagery. I can see the scene and happenings as if there.
The only suggestion I would make is to omit the comma at the end of line six.
You are so unbelievably creative and talented. After using one of your cNotes, I had to review this treasure trove of nature messages.
Thank you so very much for sharing your items with the rest of us. You benefit the site in so many ways, but the beauty you cast across our lives is most appreciated.
Hi, I'm glad you joined our favorite writing site.
You packed a lot of imagery in this short item. That's good and necessary for haiku (which by the way is supposed to be about nature, and guess this does qualify).
A haiku has a very rigid format, three lines with syllable counts of 5, 7, and 5. This has five lines of 5, 4, 2, 2, and 3. You might want to work on this a bit.
Welcome to Writing.Com. Please let me know if you revise this poem, so that I can review again and re-rate if applicable.
This piece is very emotional, the sorrow apparent.
First I would suggest that you write this in poetry format rather than in paragraph form.
The change of person is confusing. You start off in third person (angel, her). Then you switch to first (I'll) and second (understood "you" in the line "Drift off, far off, never to return" and in it was nice knowing you. Also you have I and you in the last sentence.
You have some vivid imagery in you words. Now I would like to see them put into poetry form and less confusing.
Yes, I'll have to admit that this is indeed a bad poem. But bad poetry, especially when deliberately bad, can be very funny. Yours is.
The only suggestion I have for making it worse would be to have some typos. You still need to work to have anything as bad as some I've read that wasn't meant to be bad. *sigh*
I already knew you were a very talented and creative person, but, wow, I had no idea in what all areas you are proficient. My youngest has a PhD in poli-sci, area of concentration Russian studies. Russian is a difficult language.
SM better mind his p's and q's with your being a sharp shooter. Another Wow!
I envy your ability with all the design software, but the ability to create comes from within.
I was sure I reviewed this item earlier, but since my review has disappeared, I'll try again.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I'm always glad to see new members.
Learning a bit about you as a person is interesting. You have an unusual background. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I would suggest you check for typos. I believe you mean level rather than lever in the following: "Dr. Joan West had retired from teaching psychology and sociology at the college lever."
Some suggestions for possibly improving your material (which have nothing to do with the rate, just helpful hints) include using italics for titles of magazines and books. To make italics here, use the following code for beginning italics, {i}, and the following code for ending italics, {/i}. Also to make your material more active in voice, rather than using had or has, try deleting them. For example, in "Dr. Joan West had retired from teaching," you might just write "Dr. Joan West retired from teaching." Also, "She has published articles" could be "She published articles."
It's interesting to learn a little about you and who you are. You sound like the kind of person we need on the site.
You might want to check for typos, such as lever when I think you mean level. To put the name of books and magazines in italics here, put the following code before the word or words you want italicized: {i}. Then place the code {/i} after the last of what you want italicized.
This story is one that not only caught my attention and held it, but is one that I wish was expanded so that more was shown rather than told. I could see the "powers that be" in the future discussing what this girl would do in her future, rather than being told what she would do.
The shooting of the other man was too abrupt. I like that the narrator was really the "good guy," but a transission, such as having the narrator turning from the sleeping child or something, would help.
A few places I found run-on sentences, but overall I found few mechanical problems.
This bit of slap-stick gave me a good laugh. Your use of dialect shows little, if any, lack or loss anywhere. Writing in dialect is difficult, but you seem to manage well.
The one thing that bothered me was the sudden end. I know that the falling around and tripping over each other was for humorous effect, but why the call to Aunt Lucretia? I'm left wondering why all the fuss? I expected something wild and wonderful to account for the spoon turning into a fork. Maybe it's just me.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I'm glad to see your work on the site.
This piece is interesting and thought provoking. I think you express the emotions and facts very well in poetry format.
I would suggest that you not use all capitals in your title.
A few places the punctuation is confusing. Punctuation is needed to help the reader understand what is meant, but incorrect punctuation is confusing.
The following lines are a bit awkward: For hurting me in ways
And to such depths
That I have never known, "To such depths" would work better without the word to.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you have found your way around the site, at least some. I've been here over three years and am still learning things.
This article is very interesting. Your ideas are ones that would help anyone interested in developing a series. Of course you don't have the answer to getting anyone to look at a novel to start with. *sigh*
The only reason I didn't give this a 5.0 rating is the lack of titles in italics. If you don't know how to do that on the site, the following codes are used: {i} before the first word wanted in italics and {/i} after the last word.
Writing a series is a great idea, as long as the series doesn't become bogged down.
I would rather "see" the photograph, well, I'd rather see the photograph AND read the poem. Very interesting concept, are the outrageous prices of professional photogrpahers ever worth it? I like the concept of your poem, though, and the idea that life continues through the generations.
Your first stanza is a sentence fragment. You might want to see where you could have a subject and a verb in an independent clause.
Oh, I do like this poem, dispite the punctuation and capitalization problems. The imagery is sharp and strong. I like the alliteration: clatter, clang; sing,song; with what.
The words dance in my head as the images whirl. A few places skim smoothly before the rate speeds again. But it works.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you are finding yourself around. If you need help, just notify me, please.
I like when the cold goes away and spring arrives. Your poem brings images of that.
You might want to see if you can keep from using so many to be verbs (is, are, etc.) and use more vivid action verbs. One example, Ice cream shops are opening soon could be "Ice cream shops open soon."
With no needed punctuation, the reader can't tell where one thought ends and when the next begins. For instance, the last two lines almost sound as if the snow has gone outside just to play.
Hello. I'm glad to see your work on Writing.Com. Welcome.
This poem is interesting and gives a rather contridictory look at winter; the whole poem is almost an oxymoron. I like the word usage that creates imagery.
The one big problem I see is the typos/spelling errors: Wiiling and sand paper should be willing and sandpaper, for instance.
Be careful of using myself, which is a reflective pronoun, meaning it refers back to another name or pronoun in the sentence. In the following line, myself doesn't have the pronoun I earlier in the sentence to refer back to: And the only life being myself, so me should be used instead. Later in the poem, you use myself correctly.
Using needed punctuation would help keep ideas and thoughts from running together.
Yes, I'm ready for spring to stay. I like the descriptions and imagery of budding spring in your powem.
Thank you for giving us an explanation of the poetry form you use. You followed the rules excellently.
A couple of places I found punctuation glitches. In the following lines, I found a need for the runon to be correctly divided: Morn
Greets you needs a period Feel her kiss?
In the following, a comma is in the wrong place: Leaves
To be a comma is needed
Please,no comma here unfurl.
Adorn the trees.
I like the way you used the green color to add to the meaning of the poem.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you're finding your way around without much trouble.
You start with some interesting imagery, and I'm ready to read more. The problem is the poem just ends, and I'm left wondering what happens.
You might want to check the punctuation and spelling. Priest is the correct spelling. A comma, not a semicolon, is needed at the end of the second line. At the end of the fifth line, there should be no punctuation.
I don't think poetry has to be at least a certain length, if the piece has a complete thought or message. I would like to see what you can do with the talent you have.
The story touched me. What a heart rendering experience for a child to live through. Also sometimes the passing of time is the only thing that allows us to finally write about some experiences, as I have discovered.
There were a few places that some gramatical fine tuning would help, but the power of the piece overshadows those.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vzabel/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.35 seconds at 6:37am on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I thoroughly enjoyed the poetic picture you have created with your words used as paint. The poetry is vivid and strong with imagery. I can see the scene and happenings as if there.
A haiku has a very rigid format, three lines with syllable counts of 5, 7, and 5. This has five lines of 5, 4, 2, 2, and 3. You might want to work on this a bit.
Yes, I'll have to admit that this is indeed a bad poem. But bad poetry, especially when deliberately bad, can be very funny. Yours is.
Yes, I'm ready for spring to stay. I like the descriptions and imagery of budding spring in your powem. 
Thank you for giving us an explanation of the poetry form you use. You followed the rules excellently.
Morn