Title and the brief description let a reader know this story's theme is the craft/hobby of writing. I guess we writers can all agree with that as one of our favorite hobbies.
While reading through the story, I almost thought that the true hobby in this story seems to be moving. There was a whole lot of descriptions of two weeks worth of moving from the old place to the new place, and just a mere mention of writing or attempting to write.
One could suppose the art of writing is not easy to write about. It's the writing that makes it our craft, our hobby.
This story is about trying to write each day amidst a labor intensive move from the old home to the new one. Writing is naturally interrupted, thus the hobby is placed on the back burner.
"After Patrick James backs up to the opening garage, he and Douglas get out and goes go into their old place."
"Too tired after moving to the new house to get any writing done yesterday, thinks Douglas as he fights to keep his eyes open while Patrick drives them back to their old place." Awkwardly stated. This could be simplified.
"After getting everything, (no comma needed here)we wanted to get on the truck and in my SUV into the garage we started loading them up."
Further Observations & Suggestions:
There is a tendency to use a passive voice throughout the story. It doesn't capture the reader's attention as well as if you used an active voice.
Active voice in an of itself helps keep the story tighter. You don't want to get bogged down in word-heavy paragraphs when a few well-placed word choices would do the trick.
Further down in the story, they decide with only a couple days left to relinquish the premises, they decided to rent a U-Haul. Why not do that from the start? And, if that were the case, why were movers involved? Why use the SUV for a couple trips a day back and forth when either the movers or the rental of a U-Haul truck could have made it in one or two trips?
I found the flow of the story a bit difficult to follow. It appears in the early part of the story they were waiting for movers. Then, they are suddenly traveling back and forth from old place to new with their belongings in an SUV. If there were movers involved, why would they need to be moving so much stuff on their own? I started to thing that moving stuff was the real hobby.
Curious, indeed as to how much stuff they had to move? It wasn't a whole family, just two guys. But perhaps I missed something along the way. The point is, I shouldn't have to wonder. You are the writer, you are the one who can make us readers see what you see in your mind as you wrote your story.
I think there's a little room for improvement here, and it begins with using an active voice and not getting hung-up in emphasizing that which prevented the writer from getting to his writing, but by actually describing a certain story being worked on, and showing irritation due to the hours of moving and traveling required.
Make the writing the predominant subject matter of the story by actually starting a few lines of whatever Douglas was writing during the time. Then show the need to do more packing and moving. Spending so much time on the road in the rain takes away from the heart of the story. Return Douglas back to the keyboard during a break typing out a couple more lines, etc. I think that would pull a reader, especially one who is a writer, right into the mind of Douglas. We would have a clearer image of this character.
You had a good spin on the Hobby/Craft genre by trying to place a love for writing within the real world of everyday duties that tend to get in the way of such a beloved hobby.
Thank you again for entering the contest. You are being the writer you were hoping Douglas would be in the story. It was not one of the easiest prompts to write about. At least you made an attempt. Kudos!
Until next time--write on!
This is an "The WDC Angel Army" Review!