The story hooked me and reeled me in right away. At first, I thought it was an ER waiting room, then perhaps for a job. Nice twist at the end. You did a great job expressing the man's anxiety and forced patience but injected just the right amount of humor. I think the majority of readers could identify with how the man was feeling.
Just one itsy bitsy minor thing I want to point out. The third sentence from the last, it says, You're anxious to please, yet anxious [ot] be your own man.
I just think its a wee tiny typo and you meant "to". That is the only thing I'd point out. Delightful story!
I was very impressed with this story. You captured the little girl so completely and the characters were very lifelike and well rounded. I especially liked your vivid imagery and that the story, while very detailed and colorful was fast-paced and flowed smoothly. The very end, I must admit confuses me and I don't really understand how it ties in with the first part of the story. Just a suggestion, but maybe you could consider some sort of transition to prepare the reader? I have no idea who Hector or Madelyn is. They just kind of appear out of nowhere. That is my only suggestion. Otherwise, it is a very delightful story!
Hello, I found this subject of great interest, as I have worked in customer service for many years both for other companies and for my own business ventures as well. This article is very well written and gives very well thought out points and backs them up.
When first looking at the article, it is slightly overwhelming to see such a massive block of text and some readers might be intimidated and it might cause some to only skim or skip reading it. A suggestion would be to double space your paragraphs. Adding sub-headlines and bulleting a few of your points to draw closer attention to them. This would help break up the one very large block of text and make it visually more appealing and would not change any of the information presented.
Another suggestion would be changing the size of the font for your sub-titles, using a bold or italic script when you want to emphasize something. Don't overdo it, but strategically place these suggestions.
Customer service is one of those areas where every company, large or small can always seek to improve and articles like yours are much needed and in demand.
Insightful into the mind of males. Women should read this lol. Great use of vivid imagery, it's easy to imagine the grins and facial expressions of the men as they go about on such wild adventures. I think, perhaps, you really ARE a poet.
I love that! My cell phone has been activated for many years now, but for a long time I had it on mute I think. I've found God loves it when his children ask questions and he is always happy to answer.
A real tooth clencher, you had me hanging on the edge of my seat. I loved the tone and writing style. You kept the pace fast and moving right along with flawless transitions. I could visualize this being aired on a famous International News Broadcast. In the end, it leaves me wanting more and I'm betting spurs many readers to google drop bears!
You picked a really good topic, one that is near and dear to my heart. In your article, you make some very good points. But, that is one very long, intimidating block of writing. Some of your points get lost and it can discourage readers from reading through the whole thing. There is a "tool" box at the top that allows you to change text size, colors, fonts, etc...Breaking this huge box of text into maybe a few subtitles would help break it up. You can also add bullets to help add interest. By breaking it up, it will help you highlight your points, add interest and make it easier to read. When I use Bible verses in stuff I write, I like to use a colored font and put it in italics or bold to emphasize that it is important. These are just my suggestions and opinion. Great information and view point tho.
This was definitely unique! I'm an 80's child and love video games, so reading this was a no brainer. Great hook and drawing me, the reader into the story. I liked the fast pace and tight wording. I'm wondering though, what would happen should the player NOT adhere to the prompts. Say, for instance, in your last example of the homes. What if a player did NOT maintain their home, dailies or fitness? What if the player falls short of their quest?
You end nicely, and the reader is left with a mild cliffhanger. Does he accept the quest or not?
It took me a while to read this, because many times, I had to reread parts of it several times to understand it. Because of that, the story seemed sluggish and slow-paced. It took a while before I was able to get "into" the story. Because it is a slow, gradual pull into the story, almost like being sucked in...by the time the reader starts to feel the first tendrils of unease...they are so drawn in, they are reluctant to stop. So, whether or not they want to, they keep going. The gradual build-up and use of vibrant imagery make it impossible for the reader not to be able to "see" everything going on. Creepy and chilling are words I think best describe this. The twist at the end was so unexpected. You've got Alfred Hitchcock and Twilight Zone beat my friend! This was so outstanding, I'm giving it 5 stars, something I rarely do!
That was a very appropriate read on this special day. It is very clear you have mastered the fine art of imagery. The reader doesn't even know they are being hooked until too late. By the time they realize they are hooked they have already been teleported into the flood of sensations you evoke by your carefully chosen words. By the end of the piece, not only have you dazzled the reader with vibrant imagery, you've awoken their sense of smell, taste, and I bet conjured up memories of their own when "tasting" the flavors so well described. Sigh...now, I have an overwhelming craving for a box of chocolates.
Oh my gosh, you left me hanging! I really wanna know what happens next! You easily hooked me and your characters pop and come to life. I laughed several times. Please be sure to let me know when this is updated, I don't want to miss a thing.
I think that is a wonderful memory to carry with you into eternity. It is remarkable how your Grandfather was given the "idea" to search for you in the fridge. It also impresses on me the miracle of how God shielded you from what could have been a terrifying experience.
You could have become very afraid if you had discovered you could not open the door. By simply allowing you to sleep...the trusting sleep that only a child can have...you never really understood the mortal danger you were in. Not until, perhaps after you were rescued. How amazing is our God?!
You really made that whole scene pop and come alive! I loved your imagery and the pace of the story. It was chilling, and hooked me right away. The twist of humor at the end was great!
Hi Ken, Your right. I know some writers are very secretive and protective of what they are writing as well. I kinda like having someone to tell my story idea to and see what they might think. For instance, normally I write books for adults with mostly adult characters. Children are background characters. But, I had an idea for a plot where two teenagers are the main characters. It would be nice to talk to someone who likes writing for young adults and see if my plot even makes sense for a young reader. Just a nice "safe" place those who want to can toss ideas around and bounce ideas off each other.
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