| Hi Ash! Thank you for sharing this sad, disturbing story.
MY INITIAL THOUGHTS
As soon as I began reading this story, I was drawn in. The mention of "scars" is so familiar to me. My oldest son has been institutionalized because of cutting, stemming from abuse by his stepdad, and drugs. Thankfully today he is well and drug-free. He is earning his "clean and sober" chips every month. It's been a long, hard road for him, but your story showed me, "there, but for the grace of God, go I."
The narrator, speaking in Second Person, speaks of two other main characters - his/her mom and dad.
The storyline, though extremely sad, is even more heart-breaking because it is such a common scenario. Two-fold for your character, as their pain and anguish from being abused is only exacerbated by classmates bullying them as well.
There is no dialogue, but the image you paint here speaks far more loudly than mere words ever could. Great job!
MY FAVORITE PART(S):
In a story such as this, I have no favorite part, so I will point out the best piece of writing instead:
" But you refuse to feel, you only remember. You remember your father beating you, again and again, after a bad day at work. You remember your mother, standing by silently and doing nothing to stop him. You remember the pain, the anger, the fear you feel for the man you called your father, though he had never acted like one. You remember everything." Well said!
Here are a few tweaks that might help:
● "You lift your arm to brush your legs, your fingertips lightly touching the damaged skin. Your legs They repetitive use of "legs", are covered in bruises, ranging from light blue to a dark purple, and even the lightest touch hurts."
● "Your bloodshot eyes are exaggerated by your pale face and lips, which are so, so pale." Let's try this: Your bloodshot eyes are exaggerated by your severe pallor.Here's a handy trick I use: I keep a tab with Thesaurus.com open at all times. That way, when I run into "Meh. That's such a boring word. Let's rev it up a bit!" then I have loads of synonyms right at my fingertips!
● "The pale ashen See how fun this is? There are SO many cool words we can use to replace "pale!" flesh that covers your body only exaggerates emphasizes the blood on your arms, that you put there yourself, and the blue on your legs, put there by your father. Tears burn in your exhausted eyes, and you blink them away, no comma quickly."
● "You start to remember. You remember think back on what a careless carefree "careless" means 'not careful' kid you were, always happy and cheerful. You remembering having so many friends and playdates each day, and you realise how much your life has changed."
● "You feel happy courageous about what you're about to do, you feel happy calm that you're leaving this world you once thought to be a fairytale but you now see but now seems like a prison. You feel happy relieved. Even if only for a few precious seconds, you feel happy at peace."
Thanks again for sharing this powerful story. You did a wonderful job at describing the emotional consequences of someone who is pushed over the edge.
Please don't be discouraged by my suggestions. We all need them to become better writers - and afterall, isn't that why we're here?
I think you are a really good writer, and I look forward to reading more from you soon. Keep up the good work, and Keep Writing!
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