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1
1
Review of The Haunted House  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower4* Hi Beginningwriter! Thanks for sharing this spooky poem! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really like this poem. I am a fan of haunted houses, after living in at least two of them, as well as being the Founder and Lead Investigator of a former Paranormal team.

● Character(s):

Kids and ghostie-ghoulies make this a perfect Halloween poem for kids!

● Storyline/Plot:

Although warned of its dangers, kids still go into that old haunted house - never to be seen again.

● Dialogue:

There is no dialogue, per se, but the narrator definitely gives ample warning, apparently to no avail.



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"They scare someone here,
and out of fear,
the little ones scream for help.
But all they hear from far away,
is a little, tiny yelp." Thankfully none of the houses I investigated, although quite haunted, ever kept me as its meal! *Bigsmile*


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

Here are a few tweaks that might help:

● "the monsters all came out. comma
They started marching on their creepy
Halloween route." Shortening this helps it flow better without changing the outcome.

● "The Haunted House is where they go;
everyone in town must know.
The mummies ghosts and goblins are out to play,
down in the basement,
where all bodies decay." If you read it aloud, this subtle change rolls off the tongue much easier, while keeping your basic idea.

● "Now little Bob,
he turned the knob," Helps with the flow.

● "I am warning you all,
to never call,
upon that door house of scare.
So all of you kids on Halloween,
remember , and ...BEWARE!!"

Other than that, perfect spelling, and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this creepy poem. I know your readers will love it as much as I do. *Smile*

Please don't be discouraged by my suggestions - we all need them to become better writers. And after all, isn't that why we're here? *Wink*


I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi jess! Thank you for sharing this sweet poem! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really like this little poem. It rings of nostalgia.

● Character(s):

The characters in this poem seem to be the elderly, as well as God's small creatures, who certainly talk to Him, just as we do.

I did not care for the lady who wanted the church sold. But of course there will always be people like her.

● Storyline/Plot:

This is an endearing story of a quaint little church that meant so much to so many, as so many churches do.

Here in the South where I was born and raised, we have so many lovely little churches that have survived and thrived, even while there are some other churches that have grown to outrageous proportions, and it seems the wealthy members of said churches are responsible. God doesn't look more favorably upon fancy churches over humble ones - it's His word that is most important. *Heart*

So I am glad the little church was left alone and not torn down. *Smile*

● Dialogue:

Although there was no dialogue in this poem, your words speak volumes. *Stary*



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"At night the creatures come alive
Where no human being dare go.
They gather at the church’s door
And tell tales of fate and woe." It is such a precious vision to me, of woodland animals coming to the church steps and worshiping their Father. *Happycry*



*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this heart-warming poem. I'm sure your readers will love it as much as I did. *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review of The Room  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi starr4all! Thanks for sharing this edge-of-your-seat thriller! *Wink* *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really enjoyed this story. It kept me captivated right until the very end!

● Character(s):

The main character, the wife and mother, is VERY believable!

The husband, Roger, is very supportive and encouraging.

● Storyline/Plot:

This story had me hooked by the title alone. I love a very cryptic and suspense-filled plot, and boy this is certainly one of them!

I won't give anything away, but the twist at the end took me totally by surprise. You did a wonderful job with this. Bravo! *Stary*

● Dialogue:

There was very little dialogue, but it did not take anything away from the storyline at all. You did an outstanding job with this mystery.


*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"As "I sit at my table, drinking my cup of coffee, trying to calm my nerves, I started to get angry. I have overcome so many things- life, birth, and death. Yet, I can’t go into that room." I don't blame her...I would be scared too! Be afraid, be very afraid! *Shock*

*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

It might help to use italics to separate the woman talking to herself inside her head from the rest of the narrative.

Other than that, nothing I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this scary story! I'm sure your readers will enjoy it as much as I did.

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review of Devil's Child  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Flower4* Hi Brandon! Thanks for sharing this intriguing story!*Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

This story had a good start, but unfortunately lost it's path somewhere down the line. But it definitely has the potential of being a great story with just a couple of changes.

● Character(s):

Your character, Allison, is believable as a grieving mother.

The son, although definitely disturbed, isn't to the point of what I personally would call "evil," even after killing the dog. Mentally unbalanced or emotionally disturbed is more acurately descriptive.

● Storyline/Plot:

Although the storyline started off well, it seemed to begin to contradict itself as it went on.

The mother, becoming afraid of her son, whose age was never acknowledged, sends him away to a "spiritual retreat" instead of first seeking psychiatric help just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Even with the killing of the dog, the boy is obviously disturbed. There would need to be a lot more twisted deeds and maybe a physical attack against his mother before evil could be linked - and even then they would have to be monstrous.

One of the things that perplexed me was with the mother not wanting human contact and taking all decorations from her home, why would she feel the need to "free up space" by clearing out her son's room?

Also, if the son's body was just hanging from the ceiling, what harm could it cause the mother? This part really needs to be gone into more detail. Was he dead or alive? Did he attack the mother? Why was he even hanging from the ceiling? Give us more dramatics - were his eyes open, were they glowing or red? Was he smiling evilly at the mother, were there fangs? Describe him.

And finally, why would paramedics come to the woman's home? There is mention of no one seeing her for two years...even if this was so belatedly reported, which is not mentioned, it would be the police, not paramedics who would investigate.

● Dialogue:

There is no dialogue in this story. This would actually make it a better story. Don't tell us about the relationship between the woman and her son, show us with confrontations and conversations between them. Have her calling her priest and asking his advice.

This story is an absolutely wonderful foundation for such a better story.



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"In a shadowy corner of the bathroom sat a young boy. The very color that once filled the boy was reaped from his body. He was gray, black-and-white." Very well-written! *Stary*



*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

Here are a few tweaks that might help:

● "She would enter violet violent fits of frustration."

● "His arm was raised comma finger extended comma eyes peering into those of his mother from through within the mirror."

● "Her journey had been useless as tears once again stained clouded her eyes." Question: why DID she go to the livingroom instead of the kitchen for a towel to wrap her bleeding hand?

● "She paused and looked down at the coffee table."

● "She quickly hobbled "hobbled" implied that her foot or leg was injured, not her hand. Try something like rushed into the kitchen to clean her wound."

● "She found the dog two days later, dead, a knife from the kitchen placed forcefully in its back, underneath her bed." Let's try this: She found the dog underneath her bed two days later, dead, a knife from the kitchen plunged into his back.

● "He protested comma claiming the church was full of lies."

● "The air was freezing and thicker than ice." The room was ice-cold, and a the air was so thick it felt tactile.

● "She gasped with fright as she saw what lie inside."



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thank you for sharing this story. I think you have laid a great foundation. Go back through and read it as if you are doing so for the first time. There are some awkward scenes and a lot of unanswered questions. I would also try to work in some psychiatric sessions before she jumps to the conclusion of "evil," and give us more in-depth examples of said evil. *Smile*

Please don't be discouraged by my suggestions. We all need them in order to become better writers - and after all, isn't that why we're here? *Wink*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi dejavu! Thanks for sharing this adorable story! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really like this story. It gives me an insight as to how wonderful - and aggravating growing old with someone could be. *Laugh*

● Character(s):

Your characters, the therapist, and the husband and wife were comical and worked very well together.

● Storyline/Plot:

This storyline really made me laugh, especially when the subject of the frozen long-johns came up.

This couple are so cute and realistic that I could actually picture them bickering. They remind me of an older couple that come into the pharmacy where I work.

The poor therapist had his hands full with the two of them, but the love that the two of them shared was very evident by the end.

● Dialogue:

The dialogue was very natural and believable. All of the characters were like people whom you might meet in real life. Good job!



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

" “She locked my long johns outside yesterday morning until they froze.” Joe glared. “I can’t live with a woman who’d do that.”

“Now Joe, that sounds easily solved.” I spoke quietly.

“I was in them long johns when she did it.” He exclaimed.

I struggled to maintain my professional countenance

“Is that true Mary?” I asked.

“He went to get the paper, just walked right outside while I was talking to him.” She replied.” I figured he could stay out there awhile.” This is hysterical! It sounds like my own Mama and Daddy arguing back when I was a kid. *Laugh*

*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this cute, funny story. I really enjoyed it, and I know that your readers will love it as much as I did.

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi Sean! Thanks for sharing this intriguing story! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really enjoyed this story. It was a unique twist on the "alien creature" plot. Well done! *Stary*

● Character(s):

The narrator, which I will mention later, and the "creature," are very believable. You did a great job with the myriad of emotions they both were going through.

● Storyline/Plot:

This storyline took me quite by surprise from the very first line. From the title, I expected a ghost story to give me goosebumps, yet I was not disappointed in what I discovered. Although not scary, per se, it was at first perplexing, then sad, after learning that the "creature" was the last of it's kind.

I don't want to give too much away, but I found that I had to go back to the description of the narrator, and yes, I think I was right with my first impression. Very clever and very well done! *Smile*

● Dialogue:

The dialogue between the two characters was very natural. All of the questions from each of them are just what I would expect amid such a bewildering (for them) interaction. Well done!





*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"It made these terrible sounds in its nasal orifice, and the tremors in its body intensified. When it opened its eyes again, they were red and swollen with water. It looked at me for a long time then. Neither of us spoke, but it nodded slowly. I started the car’s engine and put it in gear." This is such an endearing scene. This is where I feel I feel that fear ends and compassion begins.


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, grammar and punctuation. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this imaginative story. I know your readers will enjoy it as much as I did.

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi Henry Penny! Thanks for sharing this adorable poem! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I loved this poem. It brought back memories from childhood. *Heart*

● Character(s):

Your characters, the two little girls who are not named in the poem, are very likable and believable. The dolls are charming, and the dog is hilarious! *Stary*


● Storyline/Plot:

This story-poem is so precious. It is the typical "put kids and dogs together and something outrageous will usually happen," scenario.

For whatever reason, this dog really took a liking to Rose Ellen! The visual of the girl chasing the dog, doll in tow in the dog's mouth, is uproariously funny. It reads like a scene straight of of an Our Gang episode! *Laugh*

● Dialogue:

The only dialogue, of the little girl apologizing to the doll for not protecting her, is so heart-warming. Good job!



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"The girl of eight grabbed for her dolly's arm
To keep Rose Ellen Mary McGee from harm
The beast turned out to be much faster
Now the doll was headed for sure disaster." Great rhyming skills here, along with comedic timing. I love it!

*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*


*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this delightful children's poem. I know that kids of all ages, including grownup ones, will love it as much as I did.

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of Writers  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi patteyb! Thanks for sharing this clever parody! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I am very familiar with the song Royals, and you did a fantastic job with this! Kudos!

● Character(s):

No characters, but this piece didn't need them...it is perfect with just narration alone!

● Storyline/Plot:

This being a parody, I love what you did with the song, making it your own, which is key in parodies or satire of any kind.

You kept closely with the original lyrics, which is also important, otherwise how would one recognize it right away (apart from your introduction, that is!)?

I also loved all the writing referencing you did, homonyms, verb tenses, allegories and Pulitzers...well done! *Stary*

● Dialogue:

The narrator is the only character here, and she does a great job of ensuing hilarity via the topic of writing!



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"But every story's like no plot, no tension, trippin' up on grammar,
Bloody heros, bald villians, where's the dang ending?
I don't care, I'm winning Pulitzers in my dreams.
But everybody's like, "Crystal, maybe, let's go to the movies."
Essays, blogging, hailing newbies over breakfast,
I don't care. I'm caught up in this fictional love affair." This made me laugh out loud, 'maybe, let's go to the movies'...and miss out on writing? Riiight... *Laugh*


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this funny, very clever parody. I know your readers will love it as much as I did - and I think you will nail the contest! *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review of Anon A. Mouse  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi flashramey! Thanks for sharing this enlightening poem! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really like the way this poem opens up our eyes to a new perspective.

● Character(s):

Your main character, mother mouse, is a very inspiring one indeed. She is merely a mother, wanting a warm safe place to give birth and raise her young - what mother of any species couldn't relate to that?

● Storyline/Plot:

The storyline is quite precious, and gives us a look at US, as seen through the eyes of the dreaded creature - the mouse.

I was starting to become very sympathetic to the woes of the poor creatures - UNTIL I remembered how they destroy our things by chewing or peeing on them, pooping everywhere, and carrying disease and fleas! Well, then I wasn't so empathetic to their plight! *Laugh*

● Dialogue:

While there is no dialogue, per se, the narrative of mother mouse speaks volumes. Good job! *Stary*



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"I teach my babe's to hide where they're at,
for today I heard, they're getting a CAT!!!!!!" This reminds me of Tom & Jerry, lol!


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this sweet take on a creepy critter. I won't say it will make me more lenient about mice in my house, but nice try! *Laugh*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*Flower4* Hi Nikola! Thanks for sharing this clever poem! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really like this poem - even better, I can really relate to this poem! *Wink*

● Character(s):

Just the woman scorned. I would say it could apply to either male or female, but would a man wear stiletto heels? *Laugh*

● Storyline/Plot:

I have been in these shoes - not stilettos, but figuratively speaking, and wanted to do just those very things. Common sense and fear of jail finally prevailed, lol.

● Dialogue:

The poem is the dialogue, spoken to the cheating male.


*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"And once I've done all these things
You'll wish that you were dead." Well said!


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*


*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this clever, humorous poem. I know your female readers will love it as much as I did. *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Is Anybody There?  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi KimmieK! Thanks for sharing this spooky poem! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really like this poem. It pertains to Halloween, and that is always a fun holiday! *Smile*

● Character(s):

There are no characters, just the narrator.

● Storyline/Plot:

This poem speaks to me of things that go BUMP in the night, of shadows from the corner of our eye, of spooky thoughts that make you give yourself the willies...or something more, as you reveal at the end.

● Dialogue:

N/A


*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"When the moon rides high
And the wind blows strong
It's NOT your imagination
Somebody IS there!" I know from experience - sometimes there really are things there!


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this creepy poem. I'm sure your readers will enjoy it as much as I did. *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi Puckboy! Thanks for sharing this chilling story! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

This was a great read from beginning to end. I couldn't stop. This was most definitely a nail-biter. Very well-written. Kudos! *Smile*

● Character(s):

Your characters, the narrator, the cat, and the "thing" make for a very interesting story.

● Storyline/Plot:

Your plot is seamless. I really enjoyed the entire story. The parts where the narrator could walk through his house in pitch darkness, yet still know where everything is, was quite believable - mout of us are the same. The cat, however...well it was quite funny when the narrator tripped over her as he realized he didn't know where everything was. *Laugh*

● Dialogue:

The dialogue, of course, was via the narrator/main character alone, to his cat. I really liked how he went on his little rant about the cat being such a brat. That was cute, and it showed his true affection for the stray, as did his comment on the stairs. But I won't give too much away. *Wink*



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"I named her “Independence,” a suitable name more so because of her aloof nature than the date on which we met. I sometimes shorten that to “Indy,” maybe in reference to Indiana Jones, or maybe because she tears around my small house like a race car. I sometimes call her neither of these things, preferring instead to use whatever derogatory thing comes to mind first." This is such a sweet, sentimental insight into the cat's name. I love it. *Heart*


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this edge-of-your-seat thriller. I know your readers will love it as much as I did. *Smile*

I think you're an excellent writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi Johnathan! Thank you for sharing this outstanding poem! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

This my friend, this just gave me chills. Bravo! *Delight*

● Character(s):

Your characters, you and God. You bring such insight to this conversation, and I can tell that you know Him.

● Storyline/Plot:

I love the storyline to this poem. It is something that we all have been through - having a "beef" with God. I believe He expects nothing less. We are weak, by definition as humans, both physically and spiritually. It is through Him that we find our strength.

He knows our needs, even before we do, and many of our wants, we strongly believe to be needs. These prayers are not answered, and often times even our deepest prayers go unanswered, because this is not the path in which He chose for us.

For example, my granddaughter was taken from her parents and placed in foster care. Now this devastated me, both mentally and emotionally. I prayed without ceasing, putting complete and TOTAL faith in God to fix this. He has always answered ALL of my prayers, and when she wasn't returned, I cried out to God, asking him why. I got my answer. I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard a voice inside my head say, "Would you really want her to come back to her old life?" And my answer was NO!

Her life now is amazing, and she is still a part of my own life. She has been adopted by my foster-niece, who was taken in by my sister when she was a child. Full circle. God's plan. I lost nothing, but my baby girl - she gained SO MUCH! And all because God said "No." *Heart*

● Dialogue:

The dialogue in this piece is amazing. I believe that this would be a true conversation with God, and His words would be exactly these that you have written. Excellent job! *Stary*





*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"“Oh yeah about that beautiful black woman? What do you think I put her in your life for?
She’s my tool for your soul and the key to let me get past that lock around your heart.
And as far as me abandoning you, I’ve never left you from the start

Don’t let anyone, ever try to take your self-worth
Because I made you, and I don’t make junk, you’ll be a treasure that I’ll use to change this earth.

And then, it was if my tears’ motive became different
My mind suddenly eliminated the clouds, and like a polished jewel, my tears washed my soul clearer.
Before God departed for the night, I asked, “So how will I know you’re with me? I can’t see you.”
He said, “Son, you were made in my image. Just look in this mirror.”" This is what I believe a true conversation with God would be like! *Heart*




*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this wonderful poem. I know your readers will love it as much as I do. *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review of ASKING GOD  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi Countrymom! Thanks for sharing this lovely poem!*Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really enjoyed this poem. It spoke to me of immense faith. *Heart*

● Character(s):

Your characters, being you and God, are perfect. It is how it should be: you and He alone in conversation.

● Storyline/Plot:

The storyline for this poem is simple and concise. You are a person who puts strong faith in God and that He will answer you when you call.

I am of the same faith - perhaps not denomination, but most definitely a firm and absolute believer in Almighty God, and the power that He commands. I pray each day, and He never fails me. It may not come to fruition exactly when I want it to, and it may not turn out the way I ask Him to make it, but one thing is for sure - HE knows what is best, whether we understand His reasons or not.

● Dialogue:

There is no dialogue in this poem, but there is an inferred conversation between you and God, and that dialogue is beautiful.



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"I am sure
He hears me.
The blessings come
When I am quiet
And learn His will,
When I listen
To His answers
For He gives me
Everything I need
Each day;
One day at a time.
I will learn
To give thanks
Instead of
Forever
Asking God." This is so wise, I just cannot tell you! I always say this exact thing - "If we never stop to thank God for the prayers He DOES answer, why should we expect Him to answer more of them?"

*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this powerful, spiritual poem. I'm sure your readers will love it as much as I do. *Heart*

I think you're an excellent writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Flower4*Hi Zooterman! Thank you for sharing this curious story *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

To be quite honest, my initial thoughts were annoyance. I could not figure out why the storyline was shifting from person to animal to animal to person. But when I reached the end, I totally got it! *Facepalm*

● Character(s):

Your characters are completely unattached to each other, which is what makes this story work. *Thumbsup*

● Storyline/Plot:

For such a short story, you've got a pretty clever little plot going here. I won't give away too much, but I find it hilarious how the first line "connects" (no pun intended! *Laugh*) with the last one.

● Dialogue:

The one and only line of dialogue, being at the end, and being the "aha!" moment, works wonderfully!



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"The god of cats had given him the tasty morsel from an open window. It had flown to him in perfect arch and trajectory and landed with three bounces at his very paws." This is hysterical, now that I know what it actually means! *Laugh*


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this clever, funny story. I will admit, from the title I was expecting a different kind of story (which is brilliant, in and of itself), but I know your readers will enjoy this as much as I did. *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi Elle! Thank you for sharing this precious poem! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

This piece made me cry. Not because it was sad, but because of the sweet, sentimental memories you have of your sister, and what an amazing childhood you had. *Heart*

● Character(s):

Your words bring life to little Elle and your sister. I can tell how much you love her, just from this poem alone. *Smile*

● Storyline/Plot:

It sounds like the two of you had so many fun times and a huge variety of things to keep you occupied. I enjoyed such a childhood, living on somewhat of a farm, meaning we raised our own vegetables and livestock, but only for our own consumption. When I wasn't in the barn, I was out in the woods, exploring all by myself. I was a tomboy, and never had any fear of danger.

I loved the pigs and chickens, as well as the calf Daddy brought home one day. They were my playmates, being the last child at home, and it was quite disturbing when they kept coming up missing! *Facepalm* BUT my plate was always full! *Laugh*

● Dialogue:

There is no dialogue, but simply reading of all of the adventures that you two had needed no speaking - your words illustrated everything delightfully! *Stary*



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"Dusty bike rides down gravel roads
to Tomarata Lake
for a swim with no parental supervision.
Carefree fun,
but you soon emerge with blue lips
and shivering limbs,
to bake under the summer sun." What a wonderful picture you have drawn. If I didn't know you were a Kiwi, I would swear you were raised in the South! *Smile*

*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*


*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this amazing poem. It makes me want to relive childhood once more. I know your readers will enjoy this as much as I have. *Heart*

I think you're an excellent writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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17
17
Review of The Swing  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi Duty! Thank you for sharing this intriguing story! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

This captured my attention with the title. A story about a swing...it sounded quite promising. I wasn't disappointed.

● Character(s):

Your characters are quite believable and work well together.

Catherine, or Cat as she is called, is a child caught up in the grip of a living nightmare.

Her mother, Tracy, is bound and determined to get to the bottom of the mystery of the swing. I won't give too much away, but I loved her relentless pursuit of getting rid of the wretched piece of playground equipment from hell.

Secondary characters Bulwark and Trudy help Tracy carry out her mission, and they are very likeable characters.

● Storyline/Plot:

I really love all of the suspense in this story. I was captivated, and could hardly wait to see what happened next. The subject of the story was very unique. Bravo! *Star*

● Dialogue:

The dialogue was very natural and believable. All of the characters' dialogue were placed into separate paragraphs. Good job! *Thumbsup*



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"Tracey felt extreme rage sweep through her. She channeled the rage to the ledger and promised to herself that she would get this bastard. She took a deep breath and concentrated on the page. She read all the posts on the payroll. She consciously pictured what each post would encompass then would continue to the next one." I love the fierce determination of Tracy to keep this abomination from hurting another child.

*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

Although readable enough, it might be a good idea to single-space your paragraphs, just to make it easier on the eyes.

Other than that, perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*


*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this story. It is an edge-of-your-seat thriller that I know your readers will love as much as I did. *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
18
18
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower4* *Smile* *Flower4* Hi Carry! I stumbled across you on "The Angel Wish List" . Wish granted! Thanks for sharing this piece of advice! *Smile*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

This is a heartfelt attempt at helping others get through the tough times. *Stary*

● Character(s):

N/A

● Storyline/Plot:

Not so much a storyline as an article, this piece features sound advice. Good job!

● Dialogue:

N/A


*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"Another thing I've done is let things take it's course. Sometimes, you can't solve something automatically, you have to let them just blow over. Things will definitley blow over.You shouldm't worry so much about the small things, that's only going to break you later." Well said. I keep with this philosophy myself. "Don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff!"


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

Here are a few tweaks that might help:

● " they They were not easy, and definitley definitely took a lot of power, but now I'm happy, and ready to take on the world."

● "Why would you take advice from someone who can't even solve thier their own problems. question mark "

● " You shouldm n 't worry so much about the small things, that's only going to break you later."

● " I don't know if it's much help how much, but I think it'll help someone." Keeps "help" from being repetitive.

*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thank you again for sharing this piece. I think you are correct in it helping someone. I'm sure your readers will enjoy it as much as I did. *Smile*

Please don't be discouraged by my suggestions. We all need them in order to become better writers - and after all, isn't that why we're here? *Wink*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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19
19
Review of Cheerleader  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower4* Hi doc15! Thanks for sharing this emotional story! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

This seems to have a lot more potential than I feel it was given, but it can be broadened and made to be a masterpiece.

However, when I came to the part about the pristine white, fluffy feather, my jaw dropped. This actually happened to me when my son's half-brother was in a coma and we were at the hospital to say goodbye before he was taken off of life support. I was outside on the balcony, when a single perfectly white, downy feather came rolling across the patio right to my feet. I immediately picked it up and took it to his mother, and told her it came from his guardian angel's wings. This brought her great comfort to her in the days and weeks to come, and I believe what I told her to be true. *Heart* *Smile*

● Character(s):

Eleanor, the narrator, who is experiencing a great loss.

Lexi, the well-described, yet un-introduced best friend of Eleanor.

Your character is quite believable in as such that she experiences pain and loss and reacts accordingly.


● Storyline/Plot:

I would have loved to have seen some at least flashback interaction between Eleanor and Lexi. As it stands, not only is Lexi totally one-dimensional, she dies without us knowing how she dies. It goes from the call from the dean, to Eleanor rushing to the hospital and Lexi being dead.

There is no funeral or even a wake. This would have leant us all some insight to the mysterious, yet repeatedly proclaimed best friend and cheerleader of Eleanor's life.



● Dialogue:

The dialogue in this story is quite natural, though not very detailed -just snippets here and there.





*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"A single white feather, soft and downy, was fluttering in front of my face."

"I knew white feathers were supposed to be a sign from beyond."


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

I think there is a lot of room to make this a better story. At least one scene between Eleanor and Lexi before she dies, a college or childhood flashback...don't just tell me they were best friends - I want to SEE it. You don'the give your best friend theme any justice. Don't just say Lexi is Eleanor's cheerleader, prove it. It is your title, afterall.

It's obvious that the story jumped from Lexi dying in the hospital with no explanation - was it a car accident? Was she abducted and murdered? Did she commit suicide? There are SO many unanswered questions here...but also no wake, no funeral, and apparently when Eleanor was visiting the gravesite, it was months afterward, by the fact of there already being a tombstone.

Other than that, perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*


*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this intriguing, yet cryptic story. I truly believe you have a good idea going on here, and would love to read it again once expanded upon. I know your readers will be as pleased as I will. *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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20
20
Review of Broken  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower4* Hi Ash! Thank you for sharing this sad, disturbing story. *Heart* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

As soon as I began reading this story, I was drawn in. The mention of "scars" is so familiar to me. My oldest son has been institutionalized because of cutting, stemming from abuse by his stepdad, and drugs. Thankfully today he is well and drug-free. He is earning his "clean and sober" chips every month. It's been a long, hard road for him, but your story showed me, "there, but for the grace of God, go I." *Heart*

● Character(s):

The narrator, speaking in Second Person, speaks of two other main characters - his/her mom and dad.

● Storyline/Plot:

The storyline, though extremely sad, is even more heart-breaking because it is such a common scenario. Two-fold for your character, as their pain and anguish from being abused is only exacerbated by classmates bullying them as well.

● Dialogue:

There is no dialogue, but the image you paint here speaks far more loudly than mere words ever could. Great job! *Delight*



*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

In a story such as this, I have no favorite part, so I will point out the best piece of writing instead:

" But you refuse to feel, you only remember. You remember your father beating you, again and again, after a bad day at work. You remember your mother, standing by silently and doing nothing to stop him. You remember the pain, the anger, the fear you feel for the man you called your father, though he had never acted like one. You remember everything." Well said!


*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

Here are a few tweaks that might help:

● "You lift your arm to brush your legs, your fingertips lightly touching the damaged skin. Your legs They repetitive use of "legs", are covered in bruises, ranging from light blue to a dark purple, and even the lightest touch hurts."

● "Your bloodshot eyes are exaggerated by your pale face and lips, which are so, so pale." Let's try this: Your bloodshot eyes are exaggerated by your severe pallor.Here's a handy trick I use: I keep a tab with Thesaurus.com open at all times. That way, when I run into "Meh. That's such a boring word. Let's rev it up a bit!" then I have loads of synonyms right at my fingertips! *Smile*

● "The pale ashen See how fun this is? There are SO many cool words we can use to replace "pale!" flesh that covers your body only exaggerates emphasizes the blood on your arms, that you put there yourself, and the blue on your legs, put there by your father. Tears burn in your exhausted eyes, and you blink them away, no comma quickly."

● "You start to remember. You remember think back on what a careless carefree "careless" means 'not careful' kid you were, always happy and cheerful. You remembering having so many friends and playdates each day, and you realise how much your life has changed."

● "You feel happy courageous about what you're about to do, you feel happy calm that you're leaving this world you once thought to be a fairytale but you now see but now seems like a prison. You feel happy relieved. Even if only for a few precious seconds, you feel happy at peace."



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this powerful story. You did a wonderful job at describing the emotional consequences of someone who is pushed over the edge.

Please don't be discouraged by my suggestions. We all need them to become better writers - and afterall, isn't that why we're here? *Wink*

I think you are a really good writer, and I look forward to reading more from you soon. Keep up the good work, and Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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21
21
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower4* Hi Sarah! Thanks for sharing this cute poem! I saw this in the Noticing Newbies Newsletter, and just had to review it! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really like this children's poem/story. Your title really drew me in - it is so cute! *Smile*

● Character(s):

I think your characters are very clever. They work really well together, and kids will love George.

● Storyline/Plot:

This storyline will be a hit with children everywhere. George is a delightful character, imaginary or not, and will win the hearts of children of all ages.

I'm glad the poem/story includes the little girl's (?) mother letting her know that it is very dangerous to do things like that, where imagination takes over reality, and can cause her to get hurt. She could have easily followed George into traffic! *Worry*

● Dialogue:

The back and forth between the girl and George is quite natural and sweet. It is kind of sad that she has to make up a best friend, but it's adorable that it turns out to be a giraffe.


*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"He eats leaves on the trees
Helps me pick apples with his height
Licks my face with his long black tongue
I giggle ‘Cos it tickles
My companion, my best friend
I love him lots
And he loves me too" This is just precious. Children have so much love to give, and it's a wonderful thing, even when it's an imaginary friend. *Heart*

*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

Here are a couple of tweaks that might help:

● "She says comma “Good morning George” every day"

● " "I would never leave you he says”" "I would never leave you," he says.

● "“Then I’m leaving
I stamp, splattering us both in mud
I will take my giraffe and go!” "Then I'm leaving," I stamp, splattering both of us in mud. This is your prepositional phrase, describing what you did after speaking. "I will take my giraffe and go!" It's important to only use quotation marks, preceded by a comma and ending with closing punctuation, inside the quotation, to separate dialogue from other parts of the story.*Smile*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Please don't be discouraged by my suggestions. I get punctuation advice on my reviews of my own work. We all need it to become better writers - after all, isn't that why we're here? *Wink*

Thanks again for sharing this sweet story via poetry. I'm sure your readers, both parents and children, will love it as much as I did! *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I look forward to reading more from you soon. Keep up the good work, and Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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22
22
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi Zesty! Thanks for sharing this very unappetizing poem! *Smile* *Flower4*


*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really like this poem, it's gross and funny - more times than not, a good combination! *Laugh*

● Character(s):

The narrator/guest at this um...party (?) The menu is just - to die for (from??)

The host of the party - part mad scientist, part labrador, maybe? It's hard to tell with all those "hopping fleas!"

Normally, this is where I tell you how natural your characters seem, and how they really flow together well - eh, not this time. *Bigsmile*

● Storyline/Plot:

This is a disgustingly hilarious poem, in which nauseating cuisine is served, and well, okay, that eyeball would have had me out the door. Alas, this brave soul decides not to hurt his host's feelings, thus being thrust into a madhouse filled with toes and roaches. Ew.

● Dialogue:

There are only two lines of dialogue, but they seem to sum up the whole scenario - crazy scientist, invites stranger to dinner, most likely will bury him in the lettuce patch, after gathering all of his "tasty" parts!


*Heart* MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"Your host gives you a salad, with a nail
yellow and still attached to the cold toe.
What else lies beneath the limp lettuce leaves?" Oh, yes...yummy.



*Idea* SUGGESTIONS: *Idea*

I've been debating on whether you should use quotation marks to emphasize your dialogue, but probably not, since I had no problem differentiating who was speaking when.

Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*


*Vine1*IN CLOSING: *Vine2*

Thanks for sharing this delightfully funny poem. I had a lot of fun doing this review, as I'm sure your readers will have lots of fun reading it! *Smile*

I think you're a very good writer, and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, and Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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23
23
Review of America  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi Rachel! Thanks for sharing this delightful story! *Smile* *Flower4*



*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I really like this story. It reminds me of all the differences we were up against during Pointless! Good times! *Laugh*

● Character(s):

I absolutely love your characters. They are quite believable as a family, and their personalities are very well-defined.

- Poppy, the darling little girl, bursting with enthusiasm.

Anna, Poppy's mother, who is caring and loving, both to her daughter and her mother.

Kathleen, the matriarch, who I can just picture as being graceful and refined, with just enough down-to-earth spunk in her to make her American husband realize she was the perfect girl. *Smile*

● Storyline/Plot:

Your storyline is very natural, and flows quite well.

A child turning to their grandparent for advice and a bit of help on a school project, especially when the elder know so much about the subject...but then again, don't all older people know so much more than we do? It's called experience. *Wink*

● Dialogue:

Your dialogue was superb. It flowed naturally from character to character. Good job! *Stary*


*Heart*MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

""Me too, Darling. But it wasn’t just the language that was different. As long as I live, I will never understand American sandwiches which are described as ‘chicken salad’ or tuna salad’. Poppy, what that means is they are chicken and mayonnaise, or tuna and mayonnaise. There is not one item of salad involved. It would be like me saying I am a 20 year old man. Just for the sake of it.”" And don't forget potato salad and egg salad! *Laugh* I must agree with this - it is nonsense. I guess the reasoning is because there are several ingredients mixed together, and of course the mayonaise, which I guess would be the "dressing." Many people don't eat the two you mentioned (or potato) on sandwiches, though, but rather served cold on a bed of lettuce, so maybe that's their rationale! *Rolleyes* *Laugh*


*Idea*SUGGESTIONS:*Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar. Great job! *Badge*


*Vine1*IN CLOSING*Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this charming story. I can bet you that if Kathleen had a problem with Arizona English, her head would spin around hearing my Southern, North Carolina accent! *Laugh* I think your readers will enjoy this story as much as I have!

I think you are an excellent writer,and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*


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24
24
Review of Not There.  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower4* Hi JL! Thanks for sharing this intriguing poem! *Smile* *Flower4*



*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I can't quite be sure if I'm right about your meaning, I had my own interpretation that I will share under "Storyline/Plot."

● Character(s):

The narrator is the only character in this poem, as is the norm, since poetry doesn't generally contain multiple characters, unless inferred by the narrator.

● Storyline/Plot:

Okay, here is my take on your poem:

You reference family and the narrator being a child. The focus on the child being bare, as well as the apparent out-of-body feeling speaks to me of molestation. "Family," being referred to as a man, tells what gender the pedophile is, and "evil" is an understatement in this situation.

● Dialogue:

There is no dialogue in this poem, but your words speak volumes into the nightmarish life of a battered, abused child.


*Heart*MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

Although there are no favorite parts in a piece with subject matter such as this, per se, I still want to point out my favorite line as in how well-written:

● "Family is
an evil man
devising to
a wicked plan." Well said!


*Idea*SUGGESTIONS:*Idea*

None that I could find. Perfect grammar, spelling and punctuation. Great job! *Badge*


*Vine1*IN CLOSING*Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this disturbing little piece. I'm sure your readers will enjoy it as much as I have.

I think you are a very good writer,and I hope to read more from you soon. Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*




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25
25
Review of Numb and Fading  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flower4* Hi Robyn! I know by now this looks like a port raid, but it was quite unintentional, really. I just can't stop reading your items! *Laugh* *Flower4*



*Reading*MY INITIAL THOUGHTS*Reading*

I already had the feeling going in that this was some sort of ghost story -boy, was I surprised...

● Character(s):

The characters - a lonely spirit, who seems to gravitate towards a certain bench.

The handsome, beguiling man.

The plain-Jane young lady.

The thoughts and actions of these characters are quite believable and flow very naturally - especially considering the circumstances.

● Storyline/Plot:

What I thought was to be just a story of a sad, lonely spirit, drawn to the people who stop to rest on a particular park bench, was so much more.

Then I thought it was a story about how a beautiful man could love a plain-Jane sort of woman - and that afore-mentioned ghost was remembering how love was the same within her lifetime. I was so wrong.

I absolutely love what you've done with this story. It goes from melancholy, to sweet, to sinister in 0.6 seconds flat.

*SPOILER ALERT* Not only was the spirit privvy to a murder, it was her own killer - in the same exact location he killed her, and many more women. Come on! This is writing worthy of Criminal Minds, my friend. When this plot thickened, it cemented itself into my mind with the quickness! Well done! *Stary*

● Dialogue:

All of the dialogue being in the spirit's thoughts, you gave such vivid imagery of murders past and present - all while still keeping an angelic smile upon his face. *Checkg*


*Heart*MY FAVORITE PART(S):*Heart*

"I see a secret smile crawl along his perfect face, silver-soft and trembling in anticipation.

I know that smile." This - this gives me chills. *Smile*



*Idea*SUGGESTIONS:*Idea*

There was only one typo that I could find:

● "Today, a golden haired angle angel strolled down the path - a perfect smile that seeped worldliness and irresistible charm." The reason I know this is merely a typo, is because after reading many of your other items, this word was spelled correctly. *Smile*

Other than that, perfect grammar and punctuation. Great job! *Badge*



*Vine1*IN CLOSING*Vine2*

Thanks again for sharing this thriller. It is definitely something that I enjoyed, start to finish - and I know your other readers will enjoy it as much as I did! *Smile*

I think you are a excellent writer,and I hope to read more from you soon.(What have I NOT read, lol!) Keep up the good work, & Keep Writing! *Pencil*




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