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Review Requests: OFF
186 Public Reviews Given
192 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a natural grammarian, so that is automatic. I will review in whatever manner you need the most. Since my fee is actually about $5.00 realize that the GPS in real world currency is trivial.To have someone who enjoys good stories and writes as well, be willing to critique your work taking real time out of a real day is what every serious aspiring author wants. I don't rate high just to rate high. If you have not proofread your own work, why ask me too? You need to care, before I will. If you are a real rookie I will help as much as I can. If you are just writing and want kudos, I'm not that guy. If you are truly working towards ACTUAL PUBLICATION through an ACTUAL EDITOR and publishing company then I can be of assistance because I get good writing. I'm glad to help. I want to see you through the process and enjoy as you bask in your perfect, finally completed story. Look forward to helping young authors as I write YA. I truly want to help you be better.
I'm good at...
Dialogue. Grammar. Real estate - using less to describe more. It is important for me to read a story and get swept up in strong dialogue that is deftly blending action, setting with character descriptions and background. I need to know who I'm reading about, what is happening to them and where it is happening, so I can get cozy with and want to finish the story. Paint me a picture: sights, smells, quirks, personality, seasons; give me drama!
Favorite Genres
YA, Midddle Grade, Fantasy, SciFi, Non-Fiction,Adventure, Drama. No erotica. No romance.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- ... Next
51
51
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
My take on this is that you do have a good plot, and work it through fairly well.

The frist paragraph is a bit choppy, but I think if it was reworked would be a great hook. You do well in describing the surroundings but it doesn't flow naturally somehow.

Your dialogure is above average but you do use some of the same words repeatedly. it's not overwhelming but is mildly distracting.

I would work on editing and proofreading and continue with this novel. It looks as if it would be an interesting read once complete.

keep writing.

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
52
52
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (5.0)
You keep churning out comedic masterpieces. If I need a laugh, I simply turn to the Simple Dykie channel and all is well with the world.

I love the dog. Love the Samoas description. Love your dialogue with said pooch, and your final chapter is as usual, spot on.

So, when can I see your comedy special on the tele'?

Thanks for the laughs.

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
53
53
Review of Earth: Lost  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You assessment is spot on but I hope it doesn't come to this.

I enjoyed the style of your narrative, using a journal is a great way to facilitate information to the reader.

Grammar and Mechanics are not a concern of mine right now. I did find this clever, cogent and it worked for what it was.

Keep writing.

wp

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
54
54
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Writer2

I like your handle. It is so cool to meet a teen who truly likes to write. I teach11-14 year olds and you don't find many who do. This will be a treat.


THE REVIEW: Sinking

First I’m very impressed that you are writing in your non-native tongue. Congratulations. Magnifique!!

You describe quite nicely the surroundings, character clothing and the characters so I give you a A in setting.
I think you give a good sense of emotion based on how you mention ‘feeling’ words: confident and afraid.
I like this paragraph/ story simply because it is a glimpse into someone’s journal, or if I were a fly on the wall it would be what I saw at that moment. (of course if I were a fly on the wall, my luck would be to get smashed by the author.)

GRAMMAR:
"...I was here (no comma after here) sitting on a jump seat.

"…were discussing with the Captain in the Captain’s quarters… (Captain is repeated, just say, “…were discussing with the Captain in his quarters.”)

“…A group of people walked by me, all dressed in a navy uniform. Some were confident that they’ll reach their destination safely, while others were afraid to sink..” (You can add a semicolon; to connect these two sentences after “…uniform; some…”

“…The captain’s invites left…” (Not sure what this means?)

“…I was alone. Dressed in the same navy uniform…” (This can be connected with a comma, “I was alone, dressed in the same Navy uniform.” (I think Navy may be need to be capitalized))

((I feel you have a lot of really short sentences that make the story choppy.))

But, let’s not forget I like this little paragraph. I can see the story unfolding in front of me and that means you CAN tell a story. Everyone needs help fixing mistakes, so cheer up and keep writing. I think you are going to do just fine.

I will review each story seperately.You should enter a contest.
I too love the Harry Potter stories. Epic, truly epic!!

keep writing.

writer penman


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
55
55
Review of Silent Rain  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (5.0)
Not a lot of poetry on here deserves high marks since most of it comes out stream-of-conciousness with little thought for grammar etc. Poetry should flow, but they make commas and periods for a reason.

This was outstanding. I sensed it, felt it, heard it, breathed it, smelled it and allowed it to wash over me in the telling.

A solid poem sharing an all too common theme but I feel as if I intruded on a sacred moment, one not meant to be shared, something told only to the closest of friends - maybe, one day.

Excellent.

Keep writing. You've earned the right too!

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
56
56
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, Mr. Ellison

Neat idea for a story. I think your plot could work in a longer version.

Your dialogue flows fairly well but you haven it narrated without punctuation which is ok to some degree and I see you started adding more towards the end.

Is this going to be a longer story or kept at this length?

keep writing.

writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
57
57
Review of unititled  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Sean,

WHAT I LIKED: This was a good little poem. Actually I felt like this was lyrics to a song. I could picture someone singing them as you painted this nice image of you and this lovely girl.

Poetry shouldn't be explained I believe. You either get it or not. I like this.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED: Some minor grammar errors could be EDITED/proofread for clarity.

Good job.

Keep Writing.

WP

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
58
58
Review of "Dejection"  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (5.0)
Quite outstanding.

I don't give 5's. One only in the past.

You definitely hit the mark for your assignment. I truly enjoyed this and so much poetry is such drivel (especially here on WDC) but this was exquisite.

I'm glad you shared this and to be honest, I picked it to review because it was the shortest one in your list since I need to log off lol.

Lucky me.

Your imagery was compelling and drew me in. Heck, I might need to take some Kleenex and some Zoloft and crawl up in a corner until that little grey cloud passes.

I truly look forward to reading the rest your work and anything future. Your parents and teachers must be proud.

If not, I can send a stinging email to let them know of your talents. ~Wink>

Keep writing. Definitely!!

Writerpenman

Since you are new (as am I but I have a great mentor on here) aif you have ny questions feel free to pick my unusually small, but powerful brain.

Do you find it hard to not text-type on here? I do, lol.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
59
59
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank You!

This was wonderfully written and timely as who doesn't get those forwarded emails. You have helped me see the necessity to try and help and to make sure I'm not part of the problem.

I will pass this around as appropriatetly as I can.

Thanks again for this well-written piece.

Writerpenmen

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
60
60
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (4.5)
This made me laugh.

Bravo NUNU!

Do I see a free college degree for the great future chemist of our time? I'll cross my fingers and tap my heels for ya' mom!

Or maybe a female engineer lead on Trumps next grand building scheme?

I appreciate you sharing this, and I think you did quite a good job. I'm guessing this was written in one-shot and done and it is easily readable, and quite enjoyable.

Nice to see a person stop and think these days and P A R E N T (say it slow and very emphatically for best understanding) for a change, instead of reacting worse than the child. Can't punish a child for being a child. Rebellion is another thing, lol.

Keep Writing, Sharing, and watching that marvelous wee one of yours.

Writerpenman

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
61
61
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think that was extraordinary and it if the first 5 I have ever given.

You put me there with your imagery. Your rhyming was spot on, with an emphasis on 'spot'.

I smelled the smells, felt the felts and saw all the 'seens' [scenes]!

Goodness, that was like a bit o' afternoon tea.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
62
62
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.5)
'ello

Quite the story. You have a good level of storytelling. the imagery is solid.

Your execution in grammar steers the reader away from the heart of your most touching story.

A few examples of the grammar issue:

Shadowless is one word.

Envy's should be Envies. There is no possessive of Envy using an apostrophe 's.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/envies?__ut...(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=synonym%20porch&__utmv=-&__utmk=139850419

The use of ; semi-colons help break up sentences, or manage them better. The opening line "...trench coat; clearly too large for him..." would have been a good place for one.

I truly enjoy the topic, and feel if you took time to rewrite this and proofread it you would see stronger reviews.

I know you have a voice, it is clear in this story. Now make that voice strong and something everyone will want to read by working on your mechanics, but by no means give up writing.

A good writer writes first, reviews for mistakes later. Tthat I feel is what this is - a rough draft.

You are a writer for sure!

Keep Writing.

Writerpenman
63
63
Review of My Grandson  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well written Wizard. Ah, children can certainly make us adults do things no one else could. Alas, it is their magic.

Honest, heartfelt and nicely described (enviornment). I could easily picture, the child, the snow, the toys.

The last phrase in the last line: "...his uncorrupted brain." It is appealing only to me because it a truism. A childs brain, stands uncorrupted, however poetically I wonder what else could have existed there. I do not know.

A nice piece.

Keep Writing,

WP

b}My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .{/b}
64
64
Review of Hands of Time  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey, this was nice. I enjoyed your sonnet and look forward to reading more of your writings. Good flow, and I think a quite magnificent subject.

I do not consider myself a poet but attempt do so for sheer pleasure as i think anyone who puts pen to paper does likewise.

Keep Writing.

WP

b}My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .{/b}
65
65
Review by writerpenman
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a very clever and interesting beginning. Intriguing me to finish on a day I din't even want to read. I enjoyed the interplay with new and old. There are good descriptives nice sentence construction and subject/verb agreement. I look forward to more of this story or more of HP FanFic along this story line.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
66
66
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (4.0)
Fascinatingly clever, perspective. Your rhyme, and word choice helped the overall flow of this poem. Good detail, and description and strong pull towards the end, to move the reader along, searching for the hook.

Heartfelt, and well-written. Inspiring and hopefully will inspire those who read, to adopt some strays.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
67
67
Review of The word of life  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like this. This has nice, simple rhythm on a very intriguing subject..

Although the second and third stanzas have a discordant time arrangement. At least for me, it seems that the 'prophets of old' seeing this 'light' talks about something that was ancient, existing before they were created. It has a faulty arrangement of chronology.

I only caught it on the second or third reading.

4th line, 5th stanza, the word 'all' is not needed. Some capitalization issues dealing with deity seems forgotten: Word, Name, Light all refer to The Word, ie; Jesus Christ, so for sake of this poem I believe they could have been capitalized, or at least Word.

All in all, I still enjoyed this.

Keep writing.

wp


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
68
68
Review of Darklings  
Review by writerpenman
Rated: E | (2.0)
I only give a 2.5 due to the following:

The premise is ok. Plot, seems underdefined and needs work.
To be a short story, it has no flow, no real ending. It seems to be a second or third chapter of a novel. Character equals plot. Plot does NOT equal character. Develop the Characters.

Secondly, you can't get past the grammar. Spelling is atrocious. Basic grammar is wildly executed.

However, if you choose to outline your story, develop your characters, and spell check, you could turn this story around. RE-WRITING is the best friend and worse nemesis of any author.

Keep writing, and writing a lot. DON'T QUIT!! It is the only way you can improve but you MUST work on putting out finished, proofread works on here. It only takes a few minutes to spell/grammar check your work but makes anyone who is going to spend their valuable time critiquing (not criticing) your stories more prone to be equitalbe in their comments and want to do so more often.
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