Good story... I like how you set it up and I liked the use of the time at the beginning of each little scene.
I also really liked Kylie's friend. I figured there was going to be a twist in the end but I was thinking that 'friend' was really working for her captor and he would say in the end something like 'I didn't say I was YOUR friend' when he gave her advice that actually served her captor's twisted game. I have to admit you got me... I never envisioned your twist....
Nice beginning. You introduced the main character quite well. I also liked the ending. It brought the story to a satisfying conclusion.
However, you lost me in the middle. I got confused as to whether her ex left her on their wedding day or at some other time. 'The day she met him, their first date, their wedding day and then finally her walking down the aisle and him running away.' That sentence applied that he left her on some other day.
Also, I think you could have showed more instead of told. It would have gotten me more into the story if you would have showed the main character's thoughts and feelings instead of telling me about them.
'"Wait, I can prove it!" He came after me.'
You changed from third to first person in the above line.
Overall, while I think this needs some tuning up, this is a nice, enjoyable read with a well-developed main character and a nice ending. Thanks for sharing and write on.
First, I have to point out that this is a well-written piece... well thought out and articulated. But it is also filled with the contempt for all believers I see in most atheists... Of course I see the same contempt for atheists in believers. Neither does either group any credit
My problem here is you do the exact same thing you accuse believers in God of doing. You close your mind to any possibilities outside your own opinion. I have seen many atheists do the exact same thing.
Where is the evidence that your mind is qualified to determine what is real for not only yourself but everyone else on this planet?
Let me explain the above: While it is true many, actually most, come to faith because of dogma passed down by their parents... it is also true that many others come to faith from a personal experience of one kind or another concerning a higher power.
How can you rationally say that those experiences are automatically false because you don't share them? Yes, I am sure you will say they come only from a person's need to believe or some internal weakness and are solely fabricated within their own mind. But my question remains....
Where is the evidence that your mind is more able to judge the worth of someone else's experience?
Can you provide it?
Yet, it appears that you indeed believe your mind is able to make that determination on someone else's behalf.
It is one thing to not have a personal belief in God. I can understand that and even relate to it. It is quite another thing to sneer at everyone who does believe in God as not being 'rational'. That, to me, demonstrates a closed mind and an irrational one.
A rational mind considers all possibilities even ones it rejects. For example, per your illustration, I personally reject the existence of Santa Clause and Zeus. HOWEVER... I am open to the possibility that Santa Claus does exist in some fashion that I am not personally aware of... just as Zeus could have once been real in some way. Now, do I believe these things... No... but I am open to their possibility.
I also have to disagree with your idea that everyone is born an atheist. I think that everyone is actually born with a clean slate with no spiritual beliefs of any kind, one way ... or the other.
I think you are also confusion religious dogma with God. You are proposing a disbelief in the God religions potray which is not necessarily the same thing as disbelief in God. Let me explain by my own personal example or try too...
I am... an agnostic Christian in that I believe the claims of Christianity for the most part... but yet... I have doubts over some. I don't say this because of dogma forced down on me by my parents but by personal experience.
Yet, despite my belief in Christianity, there are many... many things Christians speak on where I have to personally shake my head and say 'huh?' They make absolutely no sense to me... none whatsoever. Now, is that a question about the existence of God? NO.. just whether or not humans have defined God in the right way.
So, I can understand and relate to the rejection of religious interpretation of God but not to the rejection of God. To me the first one makes sense... but the second one does not.
But... that being said... my mind is not the sole indication of rationality so it is possible I can be completely off base. Maybe atheists are right after all... I don't believe they are... but maybe they are.
In closing I hope I haven't offended you... it wasn't my attention. But, I feel I had to be as blunt as possible...
What a nice satire! You brought in all the improbable elements...
the villian telling the hero every single detail of the plan and the hero understanding everything
the hero's stock of weapons conveniently hidden everywhere on his body in such a way that gave him easy access but not hindering him in any singificant way
the hero being physical superior in every combat he was engaged in....he never missed and his opponents never hit.
but you missed one thing... the romance. You needed to have the hero hook up with an impossibly gorgeous woman who's sole purpose in life is to have an encounter with the hero then conveniently disappear
Another thing... why did the hero have to sneak around to begin with? One would think with his superior physique, weapon skills, arsenal, intellingence, etc, etc, etc... he could just waltz in and take out the entire organization with no problem whatsoever.
Beautiful story filled with great characters and vivid description.
My only criticism is I am not sure if the dream sequence has a place. It doesn't fit with the rest of the story. I thought, at first, it would foreshadow something but then you went in a different direction.