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You have entered my blog. I take no responsibilty for your reaction. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** MY NEW CAR....WELL IF I HAD THE MONEY TO BUY ONE!!! Thanks Thea!!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I sit here most mornings (5am or so) feeling that I am not doing what I am supposed to....by that I mean my calling, my purpose in life. Some people seem to just know what they are destined for or at least they think they know. I do not know but am sure this is not it. So, when does the answer come to you? Why is it so hard to find? I mean if I knew for sure years ago, I would already be doing it. Is it possible that we can not achieve that level in our lives until we search and realize on our own what it is? Perhaps it could take longer than one life time and I will not realize my place for a long time (or many lives). I only assume that because I am more than half way through this life and I have no idea what to do. Sure I am working hard and things are not going badly, but it has no special meaning right now. I hate being in limbo, I work much better with a plan and a direction. That is my nature. I am anylitical and purpose driven.......tell me what needs to be done and I will accomplish the task. Instead, right now I feel I am wasting time just rambling on through time riding the waves of life, going where ever the tide pulls me......that is very unsettling |
| There are many unwritten rules in this world and I guess I am wondering who you need to contact to make changes? Everything changes through time and un-written rules are no exception. The one I am inquiring about today is the "three shake rule" Now if you are a guy (and probably you gals have heard this too) After you take a leak, if you shake more than three times, it is considered an act of pleasure. (honest) My problem is that the rule is out dated as it apearant that when guys get older ...say over 45 or 50, it takes much more than three shakes to clean things up. I advocate we should address this darn 3 shake rule and upgrade it to 5 or 6 shakes at least. I am pretty sure (though I don't think I really counted) that I used to be OK with three shakes or less. Now though, I surely need more and I just can't be having that much pleasure in one day.....I could possible get a reputation....so is there an unwritten rule institute out there? Someone I can call to clear this up? |
| I love apple crisp even more than apple pie. We had some after dinner last night as my wife made some yesterday. I heated it up and had Blackrasberry icecream with it. I brought some for lunch today (as i mentioned in Bugzy's blog) I guess that is somethimg people just don't talk about. What do most do for lunch? Do they go out to a restaurant, make a fast food run or bring their own? I bring mine most days but sometimes on Fridays I buy. I have a Little Playmate lunch box from Igloo. The top rolls off either side and it keeps things prettty cool as long as I put an ice pack in there too. I use this box more like a carryall. Today I have the following: 1. ice pack 2. 4 small Dove dark chocolate bars. (1"x1") 3. A container of Shepards pie (hamburg,corn,potatoe and cheese) 4. A container with apple crisp. (could have been a bigger piece but it was all that was left from last night) 5. A banna 6. A coffee cake muffin from Dunkin Donuts 7. My wallet 8. Strawberry chapstick 9. A small container of tic tacs 10. My checkbook 11.A plastic spoon 12. A broken plastic fork that I keep forgetting to throw out. 13. A pile of paper towels (I use them to buffer my sandwich so it doesn't get soggy from the icepack and to separate my food from other things.) 14. A chocolate Ensure (I started drinking these when my jaw was wired and they are a great tasing snack and a good source of protein) 15. A pen 16. A couple old notes, one with the name and phone number of a customer I had to reach after hours, another with a note from my wife telling me to remember something...I don't remember what. 17. Two coffee pods (dark magic decalf) 18. Chocolate pudding (comes in little containers....not really big enough to satisfy me but I do have the apple crisp too) Well, the banana is actually gone already...... |
| On the way to work this morning, It was about 4:15 am. I know, A little late for me but I have switched over to winter hours so I start work at 5 am instead of 4am......anyway I was driving along and suddenly there was this real bright shooting star moving in the same direction as me. I took my eyse off the road for a few seconds as I watched it. Then I noticed a deer standing ringt in the middle of the road. It was froze there for a few seconds, and if I didn't know better, I would think she was watching the same shooting star. I stopped right in the middle of the road and the deer looked at me then slowly proceded to cross the road. Off to the right I could see at least one other deer but this one was not about to come out of hiding. I continued but got thinking.... What does a shooting star really mean? I have heard many things. I remember when I was younger people thought it was good luck to see one. I guess it is because if I hadn't seen it, I would not have slowed down (I get a little heavy footed when driving early in the morning) and might not have stopped for the deer..... Then again, it seems the deer was looking too.....perhaps if she wasn't froze in the middle of the road, I would have not hit her anyway......but if she had crossed instead of stopping, the other deer would probably crossed in front of me and I might have hit that one! Funny when one thinks about a moment in time like this one......the timing of it all...what if I was 2 seconds earlier or 2 seconds later or decided to drive a different route (sometimes I do) How amazing that the timing happened ........the star, the deer, me and my truck.....we all had a split second in time together...... What does it mean? A shooting star and a look eye to eye with another living thing, almost as if we spoke in a telepathic way....... "Hey did you see that?" The deer shouts out "Yeah, quite a bright one, huh?" I respond. "Did you see that ...Sally?" she yells to her sister, infering that she wasn't talking to me. "Could you move now so I can get to work?" "Sure, but you don't own this road you know! Why are you in such a hurry to get somewhere you don't want to be?" She responds and walks into the brush. I have no immediate answer and hit the gas to continue. Sally, not sure of my motives, waits for me to pass then scampers across the road. I whisper to myself, " you gals better secure your hiding places, hunting season starts in a week." Wow....what a bright shooting star that was.........Glad I didn't hit Sally or her sister, though she was kind of a big mouth. . |
| Have you ever had a dream that even though you can't remember what is was about when you wake up, you can remember not liking the run if events during it? While you are sleeping and dreaming, the thought of how things are going is prominant and at the same time you do not view it as a dream so much as real events. The problem is, that you are in the dark as to what it was you didn't like. So here I am, I had the dream, it was not a nightmare yet I feel disturbed about it because I know I didn't like what was happening. I know now that it was not real yet the feeling still lingers within me. When this happens, the feeling will stay around for most of the day and sometimes longer. I guess I don't mind the dream or the feeling so much but it bothers the heck out of me that I can't remember the particulars. I think if I could remember them, I could easily handle the problem (now that I am awake) and shake this feeling. Also, If I could remember it and it is a premonition of some kind, I would recognize it early enough to do possibly do something about it.....instead I am left with this feeling..A feeling I do not care for. I wonder if there is some way to bring those memories to the surface? Perhaps I am better off not knowing? |
| Imagine a bright fluttering flash of light......a puff of smoke and then as it clears, there I am standing on an apple crate. Hat in hand (though I don't remember wearing one) This particular hat is wide brimmed with a well worn indent were the years of someone's fingers grasp on to remove it from the head many times over. Appearing very normal and comfortable in a blue tint raincoat, hoodless and zipped halfway up. The exposed skin at the knees from many years of rubbing on the dungarees and open toed sandals, the kind sold back in the 70s when they recycled old tire tread for the soles. A well worn face showing years of concern and endless eyes as if the soul were miles away. The color changes as light hit them in different ways. A typical hazel color that seem to act like a chameleon. The alley, full of dark shadows along with promising rays of light, is empty. Why am I standing on this crate? Who am I? The normal bank of past memories is completely empty. I notice a crumpled piece of paper in my left hand, I open it up and it reads Mark Crockett. That is all, no address, no phone number, no other hints to help me understand. My brain is full of thoughts, questions and wonder......but not one vision of a familiar face, not one memory from the past. How can that be? |
| I have been thinking lately about a tough question. I heard a talk show the other day discussing our life on this planet. They felt that everything in our life is planned out. everthing happens for a reason, there is a definate purpose for all of us and it is all tied together including the universe. I like to think this is true and there is a force out there (god) that single handedly controls our every moment here. I want to believe that someone is watching over little ole me every second of the day and that there is a devine purpose for my existence. Problem is, I am anylitical and my mind weighs out many factors when allowed to roam. First of all, I am not one of those blind followers, I don't "believe" just because a book says so or someone of appearant power tells me it is so. Second, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around a force so powerful that is can watch, control and understand every second of my day while doing the same for millions of other people and also the whole universe. My little mind sees that as a massive feat. To make things even more hard to believe or understand, appearantly we are allowed the freedom of choice. Well if we have choice, then how can our complete lives be controlled by some being? That force, not knowing what my choice will be at any given moment would have to change and guide events that surround me to cause my life to follow his (or her) plan. The variables here are enormous in just my life ....never mind adding in and calculation all the other people out there. So...this becomes harder to believe as I think more about it and add in outside factors like weather, planet changes, universe changes and even the evolution of things on this planet like animals, vegitation and energy. It seems to me that we have various paths and any given one will reap a different outcome. We can choise to make our lives or other peoples lives better ..or worse. I don't think someone controls us in this manner. I think in the end we are responsible for our decisions and actions. This creates chaois in a way as we can make very bad path choices and affect many others in the process. I think there is a huge "bank" out there that we draw deposits from. We deposit by doing the "right" things and withdrawn when our decisions are wrong. We have to be careful we do not create an overdraft. We are not guaranteed safe passage to "heaven" I think that is earned and until we find a way to earn it, we continue working at that goal. I think some learn much quicker than others. It seems that "things" happen to us as a means to guide us back on track. There may not be a devine reason so much as a course or direction nudge. I recently had a pretty severe accident. I think maybe that was a nudge of some kind. Perhaps I wasn't getting something and that nudge was to straiten me out......maybe? I can't say yet as I have no idea what it means at this time. Have I changed my life or my thinking since then? Am I on a different path now? did I "learn" a lesson? Unfortunately I have no answer to those questions...what does that mean? will it take something else to wake me up? Or was that just a random act that just happened? All good questions...I guess. |
| As some of you may know, I am a runner...yes I run for no particular reason...not one chasing me down or trying to kill me, just for the fun and health benefits....I know it sounds crazy. Well I have been somewhat dormant for almost two weeks. Not that I am not getting around but I have not been able to run. I usually run in the woods, there are many trails around my house and this being fall, it is very beautiful. The trees are almost completely turned to vibrant shades of red, yellow and orange with various shade in between. The air is crisp at night but unusually warm during the day. The apples are ripe and there seems to been more oxygen in the air this time of year. I love being outside in the woods and sharing the wonders of nature....I would be lost without fall. Funny but right now I would say fall is my favorite time of the year but I could be heard saying the same thing while snowshoeing in the winter, playing in the mud in the spring or swimming in the summer sun.....I guess what ever is in the moment is my favorite. I am so lucky to be living in such a beautiful place. We have no hurricanes, no tornatoes, no venomous animals or insects, no large floods.....really nothing devistating other than some harse cold in the winter sometimes.....I can't think of a better place to live...though I can think of plenty places I know I would enjoy visiting. There was a full moon this morning on my way to work.....it made me think of a vampire story I read recently....It was so bright and the stars seemed to be twinkling...I wonder what causes that? Did I mention I loved early mornings? I guess I did... On my way to work some guy on the radio was talking about alien abductions. I alwasy dreamed of them coming to get me..they never did..well that I remember...I guess I am not unique enough. I wish they would come. I think it would be very interesting assuming they allow me to remember the experience. I have always dreamed about looking down at the earth and how beautiful it looks from space....I would like to see that someday. I wish I could go running tonite...................I have an apointment on Friday with the surgeon..perhaps he will give me the good word and I will go for a run this weekend...the withdrawals are getting unbearable. Maybe at least I can go hiking...yeah that would help. I feel somewhat in limbo.....oddly there is nothing yet everything wrong in my life right now...does that make sense? It is like I am totally happy with things yet very disapointed all at the same time. It is like I am on the edge of large cliff, I have the means to survive if I jump and I want to jump but I also want to stay at the top and enjoy the view...can't make up my mind. It sure would be exciting to jump wouldn't it? Maybe it is because the Redsox lost or perhaps something else..I can't pinpoint it right now. Oh well, I have to work right now anyway so it doesn't matter I guess. |
| I realized while laying in a hospital bed and also when I returned home that I really do cherish my early mornings. At this moment in time, I am sitting here with no one to answer to other than myself. it is 4 am and I am sitting at my desk starting my morning paperwork and dubbing on the computor. When I walked outside in the dark this morning and viewed the stars as I put the trash at the end of the driveway, I felt...welll....really good. Like I was home and relaxing vibes seemed to radiate from me and connect with my surroundings. There is no doubt that this time in the morning is one of my favorite parts of the day. Is it because I am alone? No one looking for me to do things or answer their problems? Or perhaps it is just the time of the day that strikes me. Maybe there is something special about this time? Don't know but what I do realize, is that I have missed it the last 4-5 days....... |
| Yeah not really, just kidding....but I am back at work. The hip where they chipped the bone pieces off is pretty sore but my mouth is not too bad. The surgery went quite well and the bone build up in the jaw is looking pretty good. Can't eat much except soft foods and have to rinse my mouth alot to keep it clean. I think the worst part other than putting up with the hospital and the fact that you can under no circomstances rest, is not being able to brush your teeth for a couple days. Of course that wasn't as bad as not being able to brush my teeth fro 10 weeks when the jaw was wired! Anyway, I am at work, a little sore but getting on top of things..... |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 