Bossman called me at 9PM last night and cancelled the scheduled trip to McAllen for my training, saying the trainer that I was scheduled to be with just up and quit. Glad he/she/it did this before I got there! So as fate would have it, I’m training in my surrounding area.

I was a bit upset at first. I had my mind set on going to South Texas, suitcases packed and in the car, had said goodbye to my friends, had told my homegroup I was leaving, I was ready to hit the road! Had made reservations at a hotel in Corpus for Saturday night since I was going a day early and meeting up with my friend in that area. Had all kinds of plans made with Denny and we talked for hours about the places he was going to show me. I’ve spent the last week preparing for this!

I found it very disappointing when the trip was canceled… I drove to the park that sits a block away from my childhood home. I sat on the picnic table that has my name engraved many times over from decades ago. As the strong winds blew my hair all about, I thought of the huge bird in yesterday’s meditation and remembered how the writer of that reflection witnessed this bird give itself up to the ever-changing wind currents. The strong winds, an obvious power greater than itself. I spread my arms out, laid my head back and let the winds hold me up. I just let go… and surrendered. “Thy Will be done, Not Mine.” Of course that came after a bit of ranting and raving and a few, “WTF, GOD?”

I just get frustrated because once I figure that I got something figured out, then it changes and I figure out that I have nothing figured out. Sitting at my park gave me a different perspective. Who am I to second guess or demand an explanation? I don’t understand. It just doesn’t make sense! Why God Why? I guess I’m not called to understand. I’m called to believe. As I’m called a ‘believer’, not called to be an ‘understander.’

When I was a kid I got in a fight with this other kid at that picnic table and he (yeah it was a he) slammed my face into that table and chipped one of my back teeth. When I got married I took my husband to that table and he carved our names into the wood next to where my name was already carved from childhood. When I got divorced I sat at that very table and cried my heart out. When Shafter died, I went to that table. When I hit my bottom in addiction, I went to that table. I just realized last night how much that spot means to me. I guess we all have our spots. Whenever I’m lost it seems I always find myself at that park and at that very picnic table.

I stayed there for about an hour then came home and slept on it and after thinking it through, I’ve come to believe this change of plan to be a good thing. That would have been a long time spent at a very long way from home. I was more excited about this vacation away than I was about starting this job. Ah well… Swoop… shift… twirl… and back to soar.

This song is on me today… not really sure why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_Tf2lQvDz0

I’m supposed to meet up with a guy in Kermit Texas on Monday morning. Then I’ll be in Hobbs, NM for two days, in Coahoma, TX for one and then staying in Lubbock for two days with a woman named Karen. Yeah, that’s a bit of travel in one week but I’m all about it.

Today I attended a workshop with Sheree and Leslie. We actually have been preparing for this event for quite some time now. We invited many of the local business professionals to a luncheon and to teach them about the disease of alcoholism. We had a local MD that studies alcoholism as a special guest speaker. He was awesome. He spoke of a new study and research he is embarking on, one that proves and shows the alcoholics brain to be different than that of the average person. Something about in the area of the brain that feelings reside, he believes there is a slight gap, like a hole that is visible in this area of the alcoholics brain, an empty space of some kind that is not seen in the average brain. I’ll dive deeper when I know more. Must do some study and research of my own.

I baked a lemon cake for this event and a lady asked if she could buy two of my cakes for a reunion she has coming up! That totally floored me. I gave the lady my number and told her I would gladly bake her some cakes at no charge. This lady is actually Bike Rider Ben’s Aunt, small world, yes it is. I told Leslie that we should go into business together. Leslie use to own a local bakery and has given me lots of tips on baking. We’re both into that kind of thing.

Well… I guess I’m out for the count. I hope I sleep in tomorrow, I’m awfully tired.

It appears I have reached my capacity for this blog book... I guess book has be written, time to start anew.
 

I've worn myself out today. 105 degrees outside! Got sunburned. I've been running around all day long, SHOPPING! I literally shopped till I dropped. Found lots of bargains on clothes. I mean awesome bargains! God loves me, this I know.

Everything is falling into place. Everything is smooth sailing. This is the grace of God, obviously confirming that I'm on the right path concerning my decision to take this job.

This morning I didn't even have my coffee or do my morning meditations, I rushed off to visit with my stepdad so he could check my car fluids for me before it got to hot for him outside. Then had to run all Sherree's house selling signs, flags, clipboard and stuff to her, been in the trunk of my car for a month or two. Along with my Halloween and Christmas décor and several trash bags full of clothes that I forgot I had. AND... all kinds of odd stuff. I use my car trunk as like storage, I could have had a trunk sale! Well, It all got trashed. I'll be living out that trunk for a bit.

I saw Dopeman and my favorite food bank driver on my side of town this morning at a red light. Dopeman made a point of looking right at me when they passed by, I stuck up my index finger waved it to and fro and did like a 'no no' type sign. I have no earthly idea why I did that. Honestly. Then on the other side of town, just a few hours later, I passed them AGAIN!

I love clothes. Sigh

Penny's name and number is still programmed into my phone. Sigh I noticed it today and paused for a moment. I didn't delete. No one's ever been deleted from my phone before. Not even Greta when I was so mad at her. Though I never call her, still once you're IN your IN. There's no escaping. * Devilish laughter *

I'm very tired. Sunburned, arms are sore from scrubbing on my floor mats and lugging all the crap to the dumpster. I'm a mess. So I'm going to leave with this mornings meditation that I didn't read this morning but read this evening, it's so awesome and it hit right to my core.

~ Daily Reflections, written by AA members

On a wing and a prayer

I was outside, praying for willingness, when I raised my eyes and saw a huge bird rising in the sky. I watched it suddenly give itself up to the powerful air currents of the mountains. Swept along, swooping and soaring, the bird did things seemingly impossible for mortal birds to do. It was an inspiring example of a fellow creature "letting go" to a power greater than itself. I realized that if the bird "took back his will" and tried to fly with less trust, on it's power alone, it would spoil its apparent free flight. That insight granted me the willingness I needed.

It's not easy to know God's will in each circumstance. I must search out and be ready for the currents, and that's where prayer and meditation help. Because I am, of myself, nothing, I ask God to grant me the knowledge of His will and the power and courage to carry it out--- today.

Wow... that just blew my skirt up.

 

I'm kind of a shy girl. I don't do my best at speaking in front of large crowds. I'm getting better at it with time but still I get pretty nervous. It's maybe a pride thing. I don't want to say something wrong and look a fool and most definitely don't want to mislead someone. I remember my Mother and Father both telling me at a young age...

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. ~ quote by Mark Twain.

(Uh... All these years I thought Momma made it up!) And I've witnessed the truth in that very quote, seen some people make themselves idiots by the words they speak, so I tend to be quiet. I speak up when some thing is heavy on my heart but if there's nothing in me when I'm called to speak during our meetings, I don't simply just start rambling on, instead I pass and let the next person talk. When I do have something to say, I'm direct and to the point and have never talked over two minutes during our meetings.

Today was no different. I stood up for my six months chip. I thanked Sherree, Leslie, Lucy and even GRETA. I told my home group that I would be leaving Saturday and I'm taking all of them with me. Their stories, their hope, their strength and their experience... all of it is going with me to McAllen, TX for the next two months. Sherree and Leslie took me to eat at Johnny Carinos after the meeting. I talked to them about my concerns of walking the Gulf of Mexico without a sombrero or a cervaza! This is going to be a test. I've got to stay in a good spiritual place, on my guard and willing to do whatever I have to do to stay on the path I've chosen for myself.

I've even told Denny, DON'T LET ME DRINK! I imagine he thinks I'm a fruitcake but I needed to set these boundaries. AS IF he could stop me if I decided to drink, a fully loaded big rig barreling at me 80 miles an hour wouldn't stop me from doing what my mind was set on doing. But he can remind me if it comes down to it. And try to slap me back to reality.

I'm a bit fearful about my sobriety during this time spent away from my home group and support, but I know that if I keep in good spiritual fit that everything will be ok. My sponsor reminded me to ask God daily to keep me sober and to start now asking specifically for it during this time away from home. I've got to take my medicine with me too. My Big Book, the Big Big Book (bible), meditations, journal And I've got to ensure I get regular checkups while I'm there as well. Find the local AA club . It's just like a terminal disease, without my meds and regular checkups; I don't stand a chance in hell. I know because I tried it before and barely lived through it.

My minds already telling me that just one would be ok. What if all my co-workers go out after a long day of training? What if Denny and I click and we have a romantic meal together... what no wine for me? So I'm just gonna have to stay in check. If anyone asks, I'm allergic to alcohol! I break out with assholes when I drink. Or could be handcuffs... or a case of the dumb-ass. Whatever it may be, it's not gonna be PRETTY!

So I'm making a list and checking it twice. I'm getting my car and myself ready for this 9-hour road trip to South Texas. Denny told me not to bother bringing clothes cause everyone there walks around damn near naked in tank tops and flip-flops. He also told me today that crazy Aunt said the food bank hired a girl and she lasted 4 days and said to hell with em' and walked out. I got a good chuckle out of that. Vindictive, I am. Add it to the list!

As a gift, Rodney gave me Penny's (our friend that recently passed away) big book and twelve and twelve today. I was flattered to accept. I've been scanning through and reading her handwritten notes inside the book pages. On page 91 she wrote, "You know your program is working when you can recognize the temptations in your ups & downs."

I guess here very soon, I'll find out if my program is working.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdhonK8NMm8

 

I voluntarily checked myself into rehab in November 2006. They took me to my first AA meeting. I knew I was living a crazy life but I figured it was because of that man I was in love with. I honestly thought he was the disease. If he wasn't around then I would be ok. I knew Suburban would be my home group before I even first walked through the doors. I just knew.

I really didn't think I was an alcoholic. I did not fit the 'criteria' I had made in my mind of an alcoholic. But I knew that when I did drink, I drank too much, knew that when I drank there was no telling where or with whom I would end up. But I figured I was just a party girl. I just liked to have fun and maybe I just picked the wrong guys to follow around. So maybe I had some emotional problems, yeah ok I had made some bad choices. Though the alcohol had influenced those choices, I felt I was in control and could stop if I wanted too. I just didn't really want too. I would stop long enough to clean up the wreckage from my last twist but once the consequences subsided, that great forgetter would kick in.

In the beginning, I had numerous thirty days of sobriety followed by an even worse relapse. One's that invariably started with drink and ended with a tire gage and chore boy stuck between my lips. I would twist away for 3 days to a week and then go crawling back into the rooms of AA. Why did I keep coming back? I honestly had no where else to go. I listened to the others stories and compared our differences. Poor Bastards... Glad I've never let myself go that far... I didn't really like anyone there. I thought they were a bunch of assholes, but I kept going back. I was unconsciously drawn and attracted to something that I couldn't understand but that 'thing' understood me. AA didn't give me a God of my understanding, I already had Him, but AA did show me that I have a God that understands me.

Some of us have to be beaten into a state of reasonableness. I am one of those lucky ones. I had what I call '90 day compulsions'. Three times I sobered up for three months, only to use that time as PROOF that I didn't have this alcoholic disease they talk about and so I would take one drink, one pill, just one single puff and before I knew it I was twisting away all over again. I had no harmful intentions when I started. However, I came to recognize they were in deed, right. This is a three-part disease. Of the mind, body and soul. It's a spiritual malady, followed by rationalizing of the mind and once a chemical is put into the body it creates the phenomena of craving, meaning that when ANY chemical is put into the body, the body begins craving more so subtly that the mind doesn't even recognize it and before you know it, you are on a three day drunk and slamming your head against the bar, wondering how the HELL did this happen?

I didn't believe all that nonsense when I first started out. Through my own experiences I've come to recognize it as the honest to GOD truth. It was in April of 2007 and I honestly came to believe I have this disease. No one wants to admit they have a 'disease' and it wasn't so easy for me in the beginning, but now I know that admitting it has saved my life. Sometimes I just have to say out loud, I am an ALCOHOLIC because it's so easy to trick myself into thinking that just one won't hurt anything. I go to my AA meetings because they hold me accountable and remind me that I am an alcoholic.


This last six months hasn't been easy. I've had lots of reasons to drink. Hell, the rain is good enough reason to drink for me. Resentments are the number one offender and I'm a resenting kind of gal. Just this morning my mother sent me an email reminding me that I need to get some money coming in. Not even one cup of coffee in me and I check my email to find her strange announcement. I wanted to write her back and give her a piece of my mind but after huffing and puffing around for about an hour, I got on my knees and asked God to take away my anger. I wanted to call her up and ask her if she honestly feels that I needed to be told that! As if I don't know! But even something as simple as that can get me drunk if I let it. Instead, I saw the why behind the what. She is my mother. I am to honor her and to listen to what she has to say. Even when I don't like it. Even though it wasn't necessary for her to say, she still has the right to say whatever she wants. I don't have to react. I don't have to give my power of self over to her or anyone. My validation does not come through mother anymore. God knows I'm trying. God knows I'm doing my best. God knows I know that some money needs to start coming in. That's all that really matters.

So this last six months, I've done a lot of things different. I finally picked up that kit of spiritual tools that were laid before me. I finally surrendered. I've gone to any length to stay sober. I've learned to step out in faith, step out of the boat, sink or swim... if I do sink, at least I'll go down trying to swim.

Do I miss drinking?

The shakes, a splitting headache, bruises on my arms and legs, bleary eyes, fluttering stomach, droopy shoulders, weak knees, a flushed complexion? Composing alibis, trying to shave my legs or put on makeup with a shaky hand? Opening my billfold and finding it empty? Wondering if my car is outside my home? Or how I got home? Struggling to remember what I did and whom I did it with? Dreading the day ahead of me? Fearing a random drug test? Meeting my friends and trying to cover up that I feel awful? Looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a damn fool?

Yeah... I'm positive that I don't miss any of that.

Here's to another six months!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmw9fS5r2_0
 

Regardless of what time I go to sleep the night before, my internal alarm clock wakes me up no later than 7AM every morning. On days that I force myself to sleep in say...after 9am it puts me in a crappy mood. I feel like I've missed out on something. I'm a morning person. Today I rose at my usual time but was back in bed by noon and slept till after 5 this evening.

Went over to my mother's house for dinner. Got in a heated discussion with the two of them about MY choice of vehicles. Chaps my ass that they bark out orders to me like I'm a 17-year-old kid. There's a history here; baggage...like oh hell no, we ain't going here again. I realized what triggered me after my temper subsided. I got visibly pissed and quick, why I even stunned myself. I'm just to old for mother and Mike to be picking out my rides for me. Be one thing if they were paying for em', but that's damn sure not going to happen.

Most likely neither of them intended to come across to me in that matter. Just parents for ya, I guess. Mom tells me I need to save up my money for the next car I get. Whatever... don't hold your breathe. The type of car I'll have next, ain't no way I'll save up that kind of money. I ain't getting' no 80's model car mother! Then Mike chimes, Well why the hell not? Cause I don't want one! It's my life, my car, and my decision. * Middle finger * Mike is an old dude stuck in the mind set of getting a car he can work on, not no fuel injected shit. Well... the fact is, even if I had a car I was able to work on. I wouldn't work on the damn thing! I'd still take it to the shop. So fuel injected or not, matters zilch to me.

As if I even have current intentions of getting another car, we were just discussing the wear and tear this new job will add to my ride. I made the comment that I can always trade my car in for another one. What? You don't want the satisfaction of owning your own vehicle? Uh... not if the damn thing is falling to shit! Uh no... Anyway, this is neither here nor there.

I'm so tired. Been yawning every since I woke up the second time. Finally I've come to a place of 'rest'. And rest is what I must do...

That's the extent of my day right there. Sleep, eat, argue with parents.

At the café yesterday, I was telling my girlfriends about the new job and how I have one friend that is already in the area. Told them how we were introduced to eachother. I worked with his Aunt at the Food Bank and my mother use to be his grandfather's home health nurse for like ten years. She speaks very highly of the family and loved his grandfather like he was her own. Well this girl that was with us just hollers out, "IS HE CUTE?" ... it stunned me at first. I had to think a bit. I've seen his pictures and well he isn't bad looking by any means. It's just that CUTE never really came into my rationalizing on rather I would be his friend or not. Well he looks like an average guy, average build, dark hair but he's nice, and he's good to his parents and he's nice to me. And he works hard... we have common interests, he's funny, he's intelligent, he's a go getter. These are the things I notice most about him, Is he cute, well hell yah... All of the above make him cute to me.

So this girl continued on, her name is Angie and she is MY age... she tells me, "Girl, just hit it while your there and if you like it then you can keep him around for a while and if not, just leave him in your dust when you come back from Corpus." She said this in front of a table of 10 people, including her boyfriend. I'm pretty sure my face changed colors several times.

This shocked me! Not offended no... just stunned. This girl is my age; THIRTY and it just amazed me she would think like that. Like "is he cute?" would be top priority on rather or not to get to know a man, at MY age. I mean, that's Jr High to me. Really this conversation with her got me to thinking how lucky I am to be where I am right now in my life. This girl has two kids, one is 10 years old, no job, lives with her parents, has a boyfriend that is 10 years younger than she is, who doesn't have a job either. I'm glad that I'm where I am in my life, even though I was given alot when I was a child, I wasn't so spoiled that I never grew up. My mother gave my brother and I alot in effort to make up for our dad, like money in place of love, but I'm thankful It wasn't so extreme that I wasn't able to fly out the nest, so to speak. Nothing cute about a thirty year old baby.


Talked to Denny for about an hour, he's been working on his Harley and forgot to call me at our scheduled time because of it. I hope he doesn't forget to meet me in McAllen! He's a butterfly chaser, always doing something... go go go go... now I remember the main reason I stopped calling and writing him, I got miffed when he said he would call and didn't one morning. But he is just like that... it's just him. He's always doing something and time gets away from him. Kind of opposite of me in that way cause if I tell ya I'm gonna burn your house down, you may as well go ahead and call 911. Cause your pad is coming DOWN! I take my words seriously, sometimes too seriously. But I'm just gonna have to get over myself and accept people for what they are.

It's not always about YOU, Jennifer.

No shit?!



 

I know what you're thinking...

Here's another whiny blog entry from ol' gal in West Texas...

Told ya I was fixin' to get dramatic and dramatic I got yesterday afternoon. Had a complete breakdown, Battled three hours with my HP, Thank Goodness he is a forgiving HP or else I'd be in a fiery pit of hell about now. I let it rip and went ballistic. I really think a phone call from a friend saved me from going off the deep end. I was at my breaking point when Cheryl called me. I really think she saved my life by that phone call. I was, shit you not... Off the chain ... and stone cold sober. That hurts! And totally sucks! I do not recommend it to anyone.

So I got a job today! Yep, ol' country boy hired me after a two hour interview. I had to go pee for him and now I'm just waiting for him to call me and tell me when I have to be in McAllen Texas? Yeah, this is a traveling job and the first two weeks of training is in McAllen... which is right outside of Corpus Christi, which is where Denny lives. Should I call Denny for lunch while there? Remember Denny and his crazy Aunt? I haven't actually seen him before but we have talked a lot through email and on the phone. I stopped returning his calls when I started trippin' about my situation here. I'm thinking I may give him a call soon. Tell him to take me out for dinner next week.

The pay is better than what I've ever made. Knocks the food bank's pay in the dirt. Even makes Verizon pay look like pocket change. There's lots of travel, which is cool... in turn makes for lots of overtime, working 12 hour days, about 55 hours a week, said country boy. Who is from Lubbock, btw, explains his country slang and attitude. He's a very nice guy. Lot's of good people come out of Lubbock Texas.

An Auditor. ME?

Dunno... got some thinking to do. The travel sounds wonderful. I'll seldom be home. I must get a laptop! With the money I'll be making, that could come... but auditing?

Dunno...

6-8 weeks of training.

I'm not sure if this is right for me just yet. But it sure feels more right than anything else I've come across. Also fills my pocket book which is always of great interest to me. They also have excellent benefits and pay for everything... motels, mileage, meals... everything!

Dunno...

But I'm better today! Much better. Another interviewer called and left message, not sure if I'm going to the interview. Not sure if I'll call em' back. I got to do some meditating!

Auditing?

I know nothing about auditing! He knows it though...

dunno...
 

Yesterday I got a call for another interview. I couldn't find my home phone, turns out it was under several layers of newspaper on the coffee table, as I ran towards the ring I tripped over one of my own flip flops laying in the middle of my living room floor. Finally after digging like a wild woman, I found the phone, just in the nick of time before the answering machine would have chimed in. I saw that it was an out of town phone number on the caller ID and since I get a lot of calls for some "Stephanie" from bill collectors and such, I assumed it was but another one. Pissed me off... so I answer the phone with a husky "HELLO!"

A man with an obvious country accent asked for me. Told him it was I and he began explaining that he was calling regarding the auditin' job I applied too. Arlington JOB? I live in ODESSA. I snapped back as I sat on the armchair of my sofa and rubbed my throbbing foot. No... auditing... Auditing... A-U-D-I-T...

Oh... I got a bit nicer after I realized I had in deed sent out a resume for this position. It's a traveling job. One that will require me to travel from store to store and take inventory, stock. AS IF... anyway. We have scheduled to meet tomorrow at 9am.

So I decide that I'm going to apply for financial assistance for college. In fact, I now know that I want to be a drug and alcohol counselor. Yep... this is what I want to do. Figured it out! So I fill out all the tedious paperwork in pure faith. I knew my last name didn't fit in the criteria and since I haven't been knocked up or on food stamps in the last decade, I knew the chances were slim but I tried anyway. They go off of last year's income and turns out my Expected Family Contribution is $4,900. Which means based on what I and ONLY I earned in 2007, they (whoever the hell they are) calculated I could have invested at least that much into my education last year. That is fucking insane!

Pissed me off to tears.

I stayed pretty pissy most of the day yesterday. Refused to go to a 5:30 meeting because I had not the emotional stability of even walking into a room full of addicts. uh yeah, people just like me. Oh, I know my attitude sucks. It's better today though. Yesterday I honestly got down and out. Talked to my mother a bit last night who is totally non supportive of my decision to further my education. Always has been. Why? I do not understand. She wants me to apply at Office Depot. She has mentioned this THREE damn times. I don't want to work at Office Depot. But you loved that store when you were a kid!

Please...

So anyway... I've been trying to get myself balanced out emotionally. It's like the darkness just right before the dawn. Yeah... that's it. I called this morning and spoke with a career counselor at the college. A nice older man who was very positive and encouraging. Explained to him that I don't meet the criteria for a pell grant and he ever so cheerfully told me there are many routes I can take to get myself into college classes. He briefly explained another program of assistance over the phone. Today I have scheduled to go to his office to start the admissions process and will also to learn of the different avenues that I may be eligible for.

And another one bites the dust. I finished but another Cat Anderson book. I love her style. All of her characters have a God Faith but yet there is at least one hot and steamy sex scene in each of her books. But she doesn't over play it either, she doesn't get nasty but writes more on the emotional climax. Her books help me step out of my current situation. Last night I would read a bit, then I'd get up and pace the floor... What am I gunna do? What am I gunna do? What am I gunna do? Then I'd go read for a bit and forget all about my pressing issues. Then I'd pace again. LOL... I'm such a freak! OH and in her book is where I met a 31 year old virgin, btw.

"The eyes of all look to you and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." ~ Psalms 145:15, 16

I came across the above scripture in this morning's reflection and I'm holding on to it. I told God that I'm mad! I just keep repeating. I'm MAD! I feel forsaken! I know better but right now I can't even convince myself of that. Little beams of light come in now and again but then I'm mad again! MAD!

Yeah, I'm scared. And MAD is surfacing.

Today's another day. I better get started. I have a list of places to visit and apply. AS IF any of them call out my name. Nothing really excites me. After the interview tomorrow and if nothing more comes of my footwork, I'm going to call the rehab center and see about getting in there. It would be a good place for me to work and go to school. It would also be in the department I want to be in. Maybe I make a mistake in turning down that job last month. I don't know... but I know they are still in the paper looking for help.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjTB6EG3xGo

 

Reading over my entry from yesterday, I realize I left out the idea that bike rider Ben was using the bed bugs as a means of sympathy, but more so, he is living with active drinkers and druggers. This being his main reason of needing to find a different place to stay... SO, yeah, it tugged on my heartstrings and well not to mention that I'm in quite a pickle anyway. My old self would latch on to any ol' boy about now just for a security blanket of some kind. My new self says 'Hold UP!' ... you've come a long way, baby! Don't stop now.

Is that fucking insane or what? I've been seeing this guy (across the room) maybe gave him a hug twice in 30 days at my home group. After the meeting on Friday we all went for dinner at our café and he sat next to me. We talked for a few hours there then sat on a brick wall outside of this dope house he is staying at, and the conversation some how went to being roommates and even getting in a relationship. He kept telling me that he could fall in love with me, given half a chance.

Is that INSANE or what? Known this dude less than 5 hours! And the real insanity of it is that I actually sat there and listened. For a minute I even considered telling him to go get his shit from that house that I was taking him somewhere safe. Rather it be my place or Justin's I didn't know. MAN I'm such a codependent. I want to fix everybody. You know that is a form of control. It did kind of hurt my feelings a little when once he learned that I wasn't an easy catch, that he totally lost interest. But I got over it and I THANK GOD that I wasn't what he had in mind because it would have had dangerous consequences. Saw him at Penny's funeral yesterday and I didn't speak to him. I was rather withdrawn to everyone though, not just him.

Andy, who is a long time friend of Penny's, stood at the pulpit and read a brief summary of her life. He spoke of her long time commitment to alcoholics and said her dry date, which is in 1986. We all knocked our knuckles to the back of the church pews, just like Penny always did to the wooden arm piece of her chair in the AA club. They passed out roses and pennies to everyone yesterday at the funeral. I found the shiniest penny I could and held onto it like it was a desire chip or something. I've since taped it to the inside of my AA big book. They had pictures of her life flashing on a projection screen. One of she and I standing in Ft Davis mountains last October. I almost lost it when the image of she and I embraced and posing for the camera flashed on the wall above her casket. This song played through the PA system:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiS8YokFzeY

It was a huge funeral. Those that came late had standing room only. Several of her friends stood up and told their favorite story about her. Penny was a very kind soul. She really was a beautiful woman, inside and out. She gave me an entire wardrobe. When she got sick she lost a lot of weight and had since decided I was the same size she had been before and gave me all kinds of gorgeous outfits. Many of them still had the price tag. She said he mother was addicted to the home shopping network and would send her clothes every week. Penny was the type of woman that would sit and think about how she could bless someone and then rigorously go about it.

The funeral was actually a joyful thing. There were few tears, much laughter when reminiscing about the life she lived. She always shared about how she wanted to meet God sober. When she found out she had cancer, she went to the liquor store, sat a bottle of her taste on the counter, opened her coin purse to pay and the desire chips she had collected through the years fell out of her coin bag and onto the liquor store counter. The clerk working asked her what all of those were and wanted to know where he could go to get one. She said she picked up her chips and left the bottle of whisky on the table. She decided that day that she wasn't going to be drunk when she met God.

Now I'm a mess. Tears burning my eyes... thinking about what really matters...

I woke up trippin' out this morning about being jobless. I'm going to have to get something this week. SOMETHING! I may call that rehab center back and see if the job offer still stands. I don't know what to do, but I know I feel forsaken. I don't feel drawn to anything. I don't feel that anything I've come across right now is right for me. I haven't heard from anyone. The food bank was in Sunday's paper looking for another me. That bothered me for some reason. I saw Administrative Assistant and of course it caught my eye, but after further investigation I was most assuredly not applying there again!

Today's meditation from my "Language of Letting Go"... hit close to home and I am so jumbled up inside I'm not sure what the hell to make of anything right now.

Not all doors that open up are good for us to walk through. Sometimes, we're in that dark corridor and no doors or windows are open. (YEAH) Then, a crack of light appears. We get an offer for a job, a relationship, and a place to live. Our gut goes off. (YEAH) We know this isn't right for us. If we weren't so desperate, we wouldn't even consider it. (YEAH! As with bike rider Ben, caught me at a weak moment and I actually considered) You are not desperate. (Uh Ok) Even if you are, act as if you're not. If it's not right for you, it's not right for you. BACK OFF... even though you may be burning with impatience and desperation. You don't have to do anything that's not right for you.

God grant me a spirit of serenity and patience. Help me take a moment before making any decision and to ask for guidance first.

I feel like I've been forgotten. I feel like I'm walking around aimlessly in a world that has no place for me. But I also FELT like banging bike rider and Lord knows that wasn't a good thing. Don't live by feelings ... but faith. Right...?

I've been tested and tried on this living by faith thing so many times this last month. It's starting to come to a head now... I'm fixin to get dramatic. I feel it.

Do the next right thing.

Ok.