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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
"I think it's time for you to go home". I am so concerned about my mental health right now. I keep having anxiety attacks after appointments and then finding that I can't leave. I just get overwhelmingly scared and do not feel safe. I feel like my brain shuts down and I no longer know what to do. And because I feel so scared and confused, I can't communicate properly. If my town was covered by the NHS trust I work for, I would be hospitalised right now. I feel quite certain of that. But hey, it's not. I wasn't even hospitalised after my overdose last year. I think that's because nobody thought it was serious. Everybody, even my GP who is usually very good at listening to me, assumed that it was an impulsive act. If anybody had actually asked me about it they would have known that I'd had a plan for several weeks, that I went to a secluded spot, and that I wrote notes to the people I love. It was very, very serious. I think I should probably be in hospital right now, but I wouldn't go to the psychiatric unit in this town even if you offered me a million pounds! Anyway, the above quote was said to me several times by the manager of the mental health team... when I was having an anxiety attack and couldn't leave. She didn't ask me what was wrong. She didn't ask me why I was still there. She didn't ask me if I was okay. She didn't ask me if she could do anything to help. She didn't say anything except, "Your appointment ended some time ago, I think it's time for you to go home". And it felt so damn patronising! If I'd been able to speak I would have said, "I don't give a fuck what you think!" or I would have said very sarcastically, "Oh you think I should go home? Well I better had then!" and then rolled my eyes for good measure.  I did leave the building after that because I was terrified she would call the police, or at least threaten to, but I didn't get very far and just sat outside. It was dark, cold and raining but I was still feeling completely shut down and unable to function, so I just sat there. And every now and then that stupid manager would open the door and say the exact same thing to me! "I think it's time for you to go home." I wish so much that I'd been able to say, "I would love to go home but I'm rooted to the spot with fear right now". As it got closer to 5pm, the staff started leaving and most people ignored me just sitting there, shivering and crying. The psychiatrist did stop to speak to me but he wasn't helpful, unfortunately. But then he wasn't trying to help me, he was just trying to quickly get rid of an irritating problem by also telling me to go home. When he couldn't get rid of me he got in his car and drove off. Then the manager came out and YET again said that stupid thing (was she stuck on repeat?) before also getting in her car and driving off. My care coordinator -- the person who is supposed to be on my side, the person who is supposed to be there for me, the person who is supposed to be trying to help me -- came out and totally blanked me and walked off. I can't tell you how terrifying and confusing it was to watch so many people, who are supposed to be there for people in crisis, walk by me. I felt contaminated, diseased. I could practically see their discomfort, shimmering like some weird kind of aura around them and I can guess what they were thinking, "don't look at that embarrassing mess of a person. She isn't there. She isn't there". When the last person went and I was left sitting outside an empty, locked, dark building it felt like my soul exploded and splattered all over the ground, mingling with the puddles of rainwater. I cried out involuntarily, in fear. I sobbed in the dark and the rain. From somewhere I found the strength to call the Samaritans. I've never done that before (though I did email them a few times several years ago). I hung up on the first person because she sounded too much like somebody I know, but I tried again and got somebody I felt more comfortable with. He was nice. He didn't always say the right things but he was there, listening, trying to find something to say to help me. He gave me time. He cared. I talked and cried... and shivered! He was concerned I was outside and encouraged me to go to my car. With his help I felt able to start walking (I'd parked about 5 minutes away from the clinic). I felt so anxious, but he suggested I describe the walk and what I could see. It helped. I told him I was passing a cake shop and he joked, "don't stop to get cake!" It made me laugh. I was on the phone to him for about 40 minutes. And it helped because he treated me like a human being, and he wasn't embarrassed or scared of my distress. He didn't pretend it wasn't there. It's not about saying the right things. Sometimes there is nothing that can be said. I went back to work yesterday and in the evening one of the patients, who had seemed fine all day, suddenly became very anxious. I asked her what was causing her fear but she didn't know. It was hard to communicate with her because she doesn't speak English very well and she did not seem to understand what I was saying a lot of the time. So I just sat with her. I reassured her she was safe, which I think she understood, but the only thing I could really do (until the nurse was available to give her medication for the anxiety) was sit with her. I was thinking, "crap, I wish this wasn't happening. I wish I knew what to say. I wish there was more I could do." But I didn't let my feelings of inadequacy impact on the patient. And I hope that by sitting with her I managed to communicate that I cared, that I didn't feel embarrassed or afraid or disgusted by her distress. I hope I helped her to feel less alone. That's what the Samaritans guy did for me. And that is what I needed from the mental health team. I don't know what is happening to me right now. I am just so, so exhausted. But somehow I'm still going. For now I am still going. I don't know how much fight I have left me in though. |
Due to this latest mental health breakdown I have been off sick from work since November 22nd. Considering I have only been in the job since mid-October, that's pretty bad.  My manager has been understanding and referred me back to occupational health, and I had my appointment with them yesterday. They have advised that I do reduced shifts again for the next 3-4 weeks and that I start my shifts later in the day. This is because I have decided to go back on medication and it is making me very drowsy. I feel frustrated because I just want to be a regular person who can hold down a regular full time job and live a regular life... but I don't seem capable of that. I managed one full time week before my mood crashed and my anxiety sky-rocketed. Just one. How pathetic is that?I was planning on applying to do a Master's conversion course in psychology starting this January, but I have to be realistic... my health just isn't up to it right now. I need to concentrate on my job because I am perilously close to losing it and that seriously can't happen. My mental health is not stable enough for me to work AND study full time so I have to prioritise the job. Hopefully I can apply for the September intake instead. That's the plan for now: focus on not losing my job and getting back up to full time hours, then begin studying again in September. I feel so depressed about it though. If I didn't have mental health problems I could start the course this January and be finished by May 2017. And I don't even know if I will be well enough to do it in September either. I feel like my mental health problems have destroyed my life. I missed out on being a normal teenager and I did not get the grades I was capable of for my GCSEs and A levels because of my depression. I struggled throughout my degree thanks to depression and anxiety, and although I came away with a 2.1 (which is very respectable), I could have got a first if I hadn't needed to put so much energy into, you know, not killing myself. After university, when most people get jobs and move out of the family home, I was unemployed and back living with my mum and sister. I stayed unemployed for SIX years. And while I have been working since February 2015, I've only been able to manage part time hours. I was supposed to build up to full time hours in my last job but it never happened, because I knew I wouldn't cope. I did build up to full time in this current job but like I said, I only managed ONE week. I suck. I am so scared that I will never be able to work full time, or leave home, or study again, or get the career I want... and all because of the stupid mental health problems that ruin everything... the depression that sucks my energy and motivation... the anxiety that has chipped away at my confidence until I have none left... the eating disorder that makes me think restricting my food intake is a good way to cope with feeling out of control... the PTSD that won't allow me to move on from the past... the Body Dysmorphic disorder that makes me obsess over defects in my appearance to the point where I can hardly stand to be alive... oh, and the borderline personality disorder traits and Asperger Syndrome that make it impossible to overcome the other problems. I am 28 years old and have under-achieved my whole life. I have a degree, yet am working in a job that needs no qualifications, and I'm not coping in that job. I still live with my family. I need frequent support from my GP and the mental health team. I need appointments with occupational health. I need medication. I need therapy. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be a clinical psychologist or mental health social worker, who owns their own home, has a husband and children, and lives a boring, regular life. But I don't think it will ever happen... because I can't cope with life. I can't work full time and I can't study. I can't even judge a contest on WDC. I can't read anymore thanks to issues with my concentration and I can't write creatively. I can't stand what mental illness has reduced me to. I had so much potential and I HATE that I am never going to live up to it. I cannot come to terms with that. I don't want to be like this.  |
"Either go now, or I'll call security to remove you." I'm having one of the worst times of my life right now and I don't understand it at all. One minute I'm getting on with things, managing full time work, feeling like I'm making progress, then the next minute... BAM! Hello disabling anxiety, soul-destroying depression and terrifying suicidal thoughts. What the hell is going on? I don't know, but I'm so scared I'm going to lose my job. Today has been awful. I can't be bothered to go into everything right now, but I called the mental health team FOUR times from 9:40 this morning trying to get hold of my care coordinator and she didn't call me back until 4.15 pm, when it was too late for me to go in. Then she seemed surprised that I totally lost it and acted like it is no big deal that she didn't contact me until last thing Monday afternoon, even though my GP left a message on Friday asking her to call me, and three people from the crisis line left messages over the weekend asking her to call me, and the receptionist left four messages today asking her to call me. I've been in Accident and Emergency, attempting to explain to a health professional what I'm going through right now, but I was not successful. Throughout my years of being in contact with professionals about my mental health issues I have endured so much crap, but I think something said to me today has to be in the top three. I got discharged, but did not feel safe to leave, so I just stood in the corridor. I planned to stay there until I either felt safe enough to go home, or brave enough to explain why I felt I couldn't go home. A nurse came along and said: "I think you've been discharged. You need to go now". When I didn't move she said something along the lines of, "either go now, or I'll call security to remove you." Like the five foot, 90lb woman quietly crying in the corridor was creating a security risk. You know, I have only been in my job for 6 weeks but I instinctively know that people sometimes can't verbally express how they are feeling, and so they do it through their behaviour instead. If a patient is acting a bit strangely, or in a way that seems attention-seeking, I think to myself, what is this person trying to communicate to me? And then I try to figure it out and help them. I'm so, so tired of all this crap. Right now I'm going to talk to Mark, take some lorazepam and sleep. Tomorrow I should be getting a call from somebody from the mental health team (not my care coordinator), so I'll see what happens with that. I'll also try to speak to my manager. Fingers crossed I still have a job because if I lose this job, I WILL kill myself. I can't be unemployed again. I just can't do it. |
| I don't know what the hell is going on but it's like I have accidentally flicked a switch and have somehow put myself into self-destruct mode. The last week or so has been hell and I feel like I'm losing the plot. I am supposed to be in work at 7:30 am, which means leaving my house at 6:40 am at the latest. It is now 4 am and I have not slept. How can I go and work a 12.5 hour shift when I have not slept and all I can think about is how much I want to die? This is so frustrating. Things have been going so well. I successfully completed a week of full time work, I got through my induction, I am gaining in confidence at work and feel like I am making progress. Sometimes I even feel like I am good at my job. But suddenly my depression is operating at full force, my anxiety is sky-high and I feel like I can no longer cope. I don't know if this is happening because my dog died or because my job is so tough, or if it's both those things, or what, but it feels so cruel. I can't believe I am having a breakdown when I have been in my new job for less than two months. I saw my GP on Tuesday and told him that I have been stockpiling medication and that I haven't been taking the sertraline he prescribed me. He was obviously pretty concerned but I told him I will get rid of it all, so he didn't make me go to the hospital or anything. He told me to go there, or to call the surgery, if I felt unsafe. On Thursday I told my manager that my depression is bad at the moment and that I am experiencing a lot of anxiety at work. I wanted him to know in case I end up needing to take time off (or I die!) He was extremely supportive and after some discussion we agreed together that for now it would be best if he took me off intermittent observations. This is where patients who are deemed to be at risk of self-harm or suicide are checked intermittently each hour, with at least five checks per hour. I was finding this difficult and anxiety-provoking, wondering if I was about to walk in on someone bleeding or suffocating to death, or something like that. I have yet to see something like that but some of my colleagues have walked in on people with ligatures tied round their necks. I feel like I couldn't cope with that right now, so I felt relieved when my manager suggested I don't do those checks for the time-being, but I feel upset that I will be creating more work for the rest of the team. I said I didn't want to be a burden on them and he reassured me that I'm not, but I still can't shake the feeling that I am. Anyway, on Friday my GP called me to see how I am, and I told him I'm struggling. He asked if I've gotten rid of my medication and I told him not yet. (I can't seem to get rid of it. ) He said he'd call the mental health team and ask them to contact me. They didn't call me.  In the evening I called the crisis line twice. The first time I ended up hanging up on the nurse, because she was so inept. The second time I spoke to someone who was a little more competent but I wasn't able to be honest about how bad I was feeling. She told me to go to the hospital if I felt worried. I strongly feel like I can't go to the hospital, so I went to the urgent care centre instead. I didn't have the courage to speak to anyone though and just ended up going back home where I took a quetiapine tablet to knock me out. That worked and I slept for 12 hours, getting up today at 12:30 pm.  I then needed to go back to bed around 3:30 and slept for another 2-3 hours, because I was still feeling dizzy and drowsy. But that has obviously completely messed up my sleep, and is a big part of the reason I can't sleep right now.The last time I felt this bad I took an overdose. I do not want to die, but I also don't know how to handle this. I do not want to be hospitalised and the thought of being referred to the Home Treatment Team again is making me feel sick with worry, because they actually made me feel worse the last time I saw them. What I want is regular, decent support from the mental health team, which I have never gotten in the five years I have been under their "care". The reason I see my GP so often is because the mental health services in my town are so crap. I also want proper help with my anxiety, and not just medication that knocks me out. Sure, I'm not anxious when in a lorazepam-induced sleep, but I'm not anything else either, and the last thing I am is productive, which is all I want to be. Then I also want to start treatment for the Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). And I want proper, specialised treatment for that, with an expert. Not stupid group therapy run by Psychological Wellbeing Practitioners (AKA wannabe psychologists) or CBT given by a clinical psychologist who knows next to nothing about BDD, but I don't know how to get specialist help. Yeah, I want a lot, but after about fifteen years of constant mental health problems, I have had enough. I just can't do it anymore. I am done. I am done with being depressed and anxious all the time. I am done with the obsessive thoughts about my weight and appearance. I am done with not being able to sleep properly and with not eating properly and feeling like I am on the edge all the fucking time. Something has to give and it is either me or my mental health problems... because this town ain't big enough for the both of us anymore. So I need to start feeling like I am getting help to tackle these issues, or I'm out of here, because seriously... enough is enough. I feel like this is my last chance. Fifteen years is a long time to be like this. But what should I do right now? Call the crisis line? Go to the urgent care centre? Go to sleep? Obviously I can't work on less than two hours sleep, but I also don't feel able to call in sick. I don't want to call in sick when I have only been there for six weeks, but what choice do I have? I can't provide good care and support when I am in this state. I seriously don't know what to do. |
| The vet agrees with my family and me that it is Jade's time. He will be coming to the house on Thursday to put her to sleep. I am heartbroken. Tomorrow my mum, sister and I are going to walk her in a park we used to take her and our other dog (Sophie who died in 2009) to. We won't be able to do a whole circuit as she can't walk far now, and we'll be sticking to the grassy parts so she doesn't hurt her paws on the pavement, but we have nice memories of taking Jade there. This was back when she used to adore going out and would roll fifty times in one walk (I'm not even exaggerating! ) and do flying rolls (they were awesome!) and bound along with her ears and tail up, looking like the happiest dog in the world. I miss my fun-loving, playful, puppy-spirited Jadey so, so much. She has not been like that for about a year now. Also tomorrow we will be getting her some chicken nuggets and a strawberry milkshake from McDonald's! This is because whenever my mum goes to get us McDonald's on Saturdays (our fast food and TV watching day) she always jokingly asks Jade what she wants, and we always say, "Oh, she'll have chicken nuggets and a strawberry milkshake!" Of course she never really got it, but tomorrow she will! And I'm going to hug her as much as I can between now and Thursday. I want to hug her and never let go. She really has been the best dog and the best friend anyone could ever ask for. How the hell am I supposed to say goodbye? This hurts way, way too much. |
| There are a number of things contributing to my depression right now, and Jade is definitely one of them. Her health is deteriorating fast and we (my family and I) are seriously considering having her put to sleep this week. We are seeing the vet tomorrow and will obviously discuss it with him, but we know our dog better than anyone so ultimately the decision will be ours. But what a decision... one of the hardest I have ever had to make and it is tearing me apart. I do not want my dog to die and I do not want to end her life prematurely, but I think she is distressed more often than she isn't these days. She gets confused and spends hours pacing, panting and whining. Also, her back legs are bad and keep giving way. She falls multiple times a day and always looks so bewildered when it happens. And because she has weakness in her legs, her back paws drag along the ground and get cut up pretty badly. Seeing that breaks my heart. Why does this have to happen? She is more than just a pet... she is my best friend. I have known her for more than half my life and I can't bear to think what it is going to be like when she is no longer here. I have taken care of and loved this dog for fifteen years. I have walked her, fed her, played with her, cuddled her, comforted and been comforted by her. I met her when she was just a few days old. Please, please, please tell me this is just a nightmare. It can't be happening. But it is. So of course that is making me feel even more depressed than I already was. And I have been feeling pretty down for a while now. On Friday I saw my GP and was not able to say a whole bunch of things I wanted to say. When I left his office I felt so sad, frustrated and panicky that I hadn't said them, and wouldn't be able to even attempt to say them again for another 4 weeks (at my next appointment) that I ended up having an anxiety attack in the reception area of the surgery. For me an anxiety attack is feeling so overwhelmed that my thoughts stop working and I can't do anything. I feel disconnected from my own body and I can't communicate properly or make decisions. I ended up standing there for over an hour and a half, sometimes crying, sometimes mumbling to myself and sometimes picking at the skin of one of my fingers until it bled. It took an hour and a half before someone thought, hey, better check that the crazy woman loitering in reception is okay. It always amazes me how many people can walk by a distressed person and totally ignore them. I don't think I could do that. But the guy who helped me was nice and he got me some water. I was able to tell him I was having an anxiety attack and he asked if there was anything he could do to help. I said no, but he went to get the doctor. My doctor is lovely and he allowed me to go back in his consulting room, even though his clinic had ended. He was so patient with me, despite it being after 5pm on a Friday. He couldn't help much and even said he didn't know what to do, but because I was not open to the idea of going to hospital or calling the crisis line, he prescribed me some lorazepam. I wasn't able to talk to him much but I am so, so grateful that he tried to help me and will tell him that the next time I see him. He may not know how to deal with someone having a breakdown in his office, but at least he tried. That's the main thing. That's what I'm learning in my new job... it's the trying that counts. You may not know what to say or do when someone is distressed (and there might not even be anything you can say or do) but try to help them, dammit! That's better than nothing. And when they come out of their crisis they will hopefully remember the person who sat with them, listened to them, spoke to them and genuinely cared enough to try to help them. Urgh. I don't get what is happening. I have enough propranolol to kill me and it's just sitting on my desk right now. I have shitloads of other tablets too, from years of trying different medications and then having to stop taking them. I never took them to the pharmacy to be destroyed because it helped me to know I had a way out if I needed it. Plus I recently asked to go back on medication but saved the pills up rather than taking them. That's messed up, I know. But part of me doesn't want to die. Part of me wants to stick around to continue my challenging, interesting, life-changing job, to go back to university next year, to maybe become a clinical psychologist one day, to get my own place, get married, have children... So that part of me that looks to the future is telling me to speak to my doctor about this, and to give him all my medication, but I'm worried I'll be hospitalised. I have always managed to avoid being hospitalised... and now having worked in an inpatient environment I want to avoid it more than ever! They are horrible places, even the good ones, and the one I work in is definitely good. It is so distressing to feel like this, to be so conflicted: to want to die and not want to die at the same time. I have no idea what to do or what is going to happen. But I think I'll be safe tonight because I am far too exhausted to do anything. I wish I wasn't me. |
| I am absolutely exhausted after a loooooooong shift (12.5 hours again ) but wanted to do a quick blog entry about something positive. One of the service-users at work likes to do "awards" for staff and patients and she writes them up on a board in the corridor. This will often be things like "Best Dressed" and "Most Productive", and includes some less flattering ones, such as "Most Inappropriate" and "Least Work Done", which I think are just for fun (at least I hope they are!) Anyway, tonight this service-user and another awarded me "Most Effort". I know the awards are just for fun and shouldn't be taken too seriously but still, it means a lot...  So yay! I did put in a lot of effort... like I do on every shift. That's why I'm sooooooo tired. But now I have two days off before I'm back in again on Sunday. So yay again. I plan to... rest! |
| My life feels unreal right now... and downright absurd at times. At around 1:30am last night my dog somehow managed to become wedged in a fold-up chair. Sounds funny and ridiculous, and it was certainly ridiculous, but also rather traumatic because she was in pain and it wasn't easy to get her out without hurting her. Anyway, she's fine. Or as fine as a dog with a degenerative neurological condition and cognitive dysfunction can be. I love my dog to bits but she is hard work these days and I do not enjoy being a pet owner much anymore. I feel so awful for saying that, but it's the truth. I miss how Jade used to be. I'm also worried she is suffering, but I can't think about that right now because I might have a breakdown. Here in the UK it is almost 1am Wednesday morning and I have been awake since 6am Tuesday morning. That's 19 hours. In between those times I've done a forty minute commute to work, worked a 12.5 hour shift, and done a forty minute commute home. Why am I not sleeping? Well, I tried but Jade is pacing and panting and keeps scratching at my bedroom door and it is impossible to settle her. Also, I can't switch my brain off. I've just started my fourth week in my new job and have just completed my second full shift. Today was my worst day so far and I feel exhausted and emotional. I got anxious over something stupid and as the day dragged on, my ability to cope with anything diminished. I ended up crying and I hate that. I hate that I get tearful when I am stressed. I hate that my tears are always so close to the surface. It is humiliating. My manager is away this week but the other senior staff members are aware that I have some support needs. I doubt they know why I have been on reduced shifts and am allowed to leave early if I need to, but they know those adjustments are in place for me. I can leave early if I need to but I seriously don't want to because I want to be able to cope with full time hours like so many people do. This week is my first attempt at working full time and I am one shift down, with two left to go. I'll be working for 12.5 hours on Thursday, and again on Sunday. Just thinking about that is making me want to die right now. I am pushing myself so, so hard but I have to, because I don't want my colleagues to feel that I am a burden or think I am inadequate. I want to get to where I am a proper member of the team as quickly as possible. Today one service-user has been repeatedly trying to press my buttons. She made some comments towards the end of the shift in an attempt to upset me and I'm annoyed that she thinks she was successful. She actually didn't bother me as much as she thinks she did but I was already stressed and exhausted by that point and I think she mistook my general rough appearance for unhappiness over what she said. Basically she criticised my lack of confidence, though did say she thinks I am good at some aspects of the job. I actually appreciated her honesty. I think years of being a WDC member has made it much easier for me to deal with criticism and I want to know how I come across to service-users so I can improve. She's spot-on that I lack confidence but it's something I'm working hard on. She apologised for "hurting" my feelings but wouldn't accept it when I told her she hadn't. I also found out later that she told some of my colleagues that she had upset me. Unfortunately I didn't feel up to setting things straight with them, but whatever... maybe I will on Thursday. I need to be careful with this service-user because she likes to play games and I believe she thinks I am weak. I'm pretty sure she will continue to target me but I can handle her. And I am much, much stronger than I appear (I need to keep telling myself that if I am going to stick this job out!) There was a lot of other crap I had to deal with today but I can't be bothered to go into it. But it wasn't all doom and gloom and I have connected brilliantly with a new patient. She talked with me a lot today and I feel like I may have helped her a bit. Towards the end of the shift she told me she thinks I am a lovely person and can see why I was given this job. She said I was a breath of fresh air and just what she needed today!  Honestly, if it wasn't for her then I think I would have walked out on this shift. I may not be confident, bubbly and outgoing but some people may find staff like that intimidating and overbearing. Maybe my quietness and gentleness is useful to some people. I'm not going to connect with everyone, but I already have a bit with two or three people, and it's special when it happens. I am feeling so mixed right now because today I have been keenly aware of my lack of confidence and problematic anxiety issues, but I have also realised that I have many traits that make me well suited for this job. So yeah, I can't do things with a confident air or easily make small talk with people etc, but I can listen and show my compassion and try my best to understand where they are coming from. I am proud of what I have achieved so far in this job. Nobody there knows what I have gone through (and am still going through) and how incredibly hard I have worked to get to this point. Sometimes I wish they did.It is going to be damn hard to get up at 6am on Thursday and work ALL day in a job that is forcing me to push myself to my absolute limits in so many ways, but I think I will do it... because it's worth it for the moments when I feel I have reached someone. Hopefully the confidence will come. Please, please let it come! |
| I got attacked at work today. There is a new patient on the ward and she is very confused and agitated. She went for me twice and the first time I was able to block her with my arms, and so she only hit my arms, though that was painful enough! A short while later she went for me again and caught me in the face as I was not able to move back quick enough due to the room being small and furniture being in my way. I didn't actually feel that scared, to be honest, just annoyed to be put in a position where I am having to deal with an aggressive patient when I have had no training for that. I think the training from my previous job kicked in a little bit, even though I never had to use any of the techniques I learned on the restraint and breakaway course. Despite not being badly hurt, I did feel upset afterwards. It has made me worried that people are more likely to be aggressive towards me because I am an easy target (due to be being so small). I was also upset that my colleague, a bank nurse (so not somebody who usually works there), just seemed to stand and watch me being assaulted. However, I spoke to other staff members later who were all really supportive. They said incidents like that do not happen often and colleagues normally intervene. They are not sure why that nurse didn't. Even though I didn't feel scared when it happened, I do feel scared now and it is going to take an awful lot of courage to go back in tomorrow. I feel quite tearful just thinking about it. I had a meeting with two senior colleagues just before my shift ended and they asked how things are going. I was able to talk about my worries that it will take me a while to fit in and build relationships with patients because I am not confident and not naturally sociable and nothing like the other new person, who just seems to have slotted into the team and looks like she has been working there for years! But one of the people I was talking with said they need staff with all kinds of personalities and experiences, and I love him for that! They were both really nice. I can't tell you how awesome it feels to be working in such a supportive environment, especially after the complete lack of support I had to deal with in my previous job. So maybe I will be able to cope with the demands of this job, as long as I have a supportive team around me. Fingers crossed. Right now I feel overwhelmingly depressed. While it is hugely positive that I have (almost) identified a future career (the area at least) and am working towards it etc, I feel so down to think of all the work I have to put in to get there, such as working in low-paid, challenging, dangerous jobs and all the studying I still have to do. I am not above or afraid of hard work, and I actually enjoy studying (more often than not, anyway), but I feel like I should have already done it all. It is frustrating to have already done a degree, which was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and know that I have to do another one because I did the wrong one. And it is so depressing to think that I am only just now starting my adult life at 28. Ten years or more of my life have been sucked into a black hole and I can’t stand it. I pretty much wasted all of my twenties and I find it so hard to see people my age and younger who are successful. I don’t begrudge them their achievements and success at all, but I feel sad and angry that my life has been disrupted so much. Until this year, when I got the distinction for my psychology course, I have underachieved my whole life due to mental health problems. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this…. |
So... I have now been a Clinical Support Worker in an inpatient psychiatric unit for five days and it has been pretty overwhelming. Here are a few things about my first week: The manager is not only ridiculously nice, but also exceptionally good at his job. I am not used to this! My previous manager was a sly bitch (harsh, but true) and also incompetent. I'm finding it weird to work with somebody who genuinely cares about the welfare of the staff and who does the things they say they are going to do. He is swamped, as I'm sure all managers are (especially in the NHS), but he still seems to make time for everyone. I hope he is always like this, and not just being like it for now because I'm new. But so far I love the way he interacts with me, other staff and service-users. Fingers crossed this is for real! Everyone I have worked with so far seems good at their job. This is also weird for me! Of course I had good colleagues in my previous job, but most were not great, some were incompetent, and I saw a lot of bad practise. I know it is early days in this new role but so far I am feeling inspired by the people I am working with. There are already several colleagues I am aspiring to be like. I wish I hadn't started at the same time as somebody else because I keep comparing myself to her. I feel like she is doing better than me, and she probably is, but this is probably because she is working 8 hour shifts whereas I have been doing 5 hours a day. So she already has 15 hours more experience than me. Also, she has years of support work experience, whereas I have just 7 months. And she seems to be a naturally confident person, whereas I am definitely not, so have a big barrier to overcome there. It is stupid to compare myself with her, but I can't help it and I am worried other staff will see her fitting in better than me and think she is better. Having said that, I have already made a good impression by suggesting an activity and have been praised by two of the nurses, a senior support worker and the manager for this.  The manager has also said he is pleased to see that I have been interacting with people... Interacting with people is HARD and I have been pushing myself to the limit. It is draining. But I feel like I am making progress and I had some good discussions with two service-users on Friday. I also coped when a shouting match broke out between two people, with me literally caught in the middle due to a table blocking my escape route! I think there are three service-users I am interacting fairly well with, and hopefully gaining their trust, and there are another four who I think I could connect with but need more time. But the last two I am not sure about because one I rarely see and the other I find intimidating. Still, I think I am doing okay seeing as I have only been in the place for 25 hours spread over five days! Yeah, on the whole I think things are okay, but the commute is a killer. However, I think most people there work long shifts over three days (rather than shorter shifts spread over five days) and I think this is something to aim for. Though the thought of doing 12.5 hour shifts is making me want to die right now, I think only having to do the commute three times a week would be a real plus, as would having four days off a week. I can't believe I'm doing this! I feel like I'm two different people right now. One version of me is now a functioning member of society and somebody who is working to change their life and build a career. But the other version of me must insist on being depressed, anxious and obsessive. I am battling with that second version constantly and it is exhausting. I am doing it but am worried this isn't sustainable.  I feel so mixed up and overwhelmed and scared right now. |
| Today I was 10 minutes late to work. I hate being late. I am almost always early to absolutely everything. But I got stuck in a traffic jam and I was so stressed. It is only my second day and I was late. It is only my second day and I already hate the commute. I don't know how I am going to keep doing it. When I got in it was ridiculously quiet. I had not met the woman who let me in, but I apologised immediately and explained what had happened and she said, "yeah the traffic is horrendous today. J---- was an hour late". That made me feel a bit better, but I was still stressed and I think she could see as she said, "don't worry!" In perfect conditions the drive should take 35 minutes. Typically it takes 40-45. I leave an hour early and feel like that is reasonable, giving me about 20 minutes for if things go wrong. I can't face leaving even earlier and getting into work 30 minutes early on a regular basis! I think that would be ridiculous seeing as the traffic is fine more often than not (I did the journey a few times before starting as well). But I am scared of being late again. I think I will try to speak with the manager about this tomorrow and get some reassurance on it! I'm not sure if he is even aware I was late today as he was out when I got there. My second shift was slightly better than the first. The two nurses from yesterday were not in and the nurse on duty was pretty nice. There were two support workers on shift who I had not met, and they have both been working there for 3-4 weeks. One was a bit of a "I've been here a bit longer, I'm superior and completely awesome" type, but the other one was nice and really was awesome. He was friendly and funny and I love the way he interacts with service-users. I am definitely going to aspire to be like him. The job seems pretty dull, but I have been told this is because they do not have any coordinated activities on the ward at the moment for various reasons. When that gets going hopefully it will be better. Also, I'm still shadowing so there are some things I can't do, such as observations and 1:1 sessions with service-users. When it comes to the 1:1 sessions I am feeling terrified... because we get no training for this. We are not there to offer therapy, counselling or advice, which is why we do not get trained, I suppose. Instead we are there just to listen, chat and provide emotional support. I would still like some kind of training though! But I am going to draw on my own experiences of talking to mental health professionals and I think the crappiness I have had to endure over the years from various people will help me in this job. For one thing I am never going to say, "I know how you feel". I hate that! I can listen and try to understand how another person is feeling, but I will never know exactly what they are going through because I am not them, with their individual way of processing things, their memories and past experiences etc. I think it would be much better to say something like, "I think I get where you are coming from" or "I think I understand why you feel like that". And I will also never take the focus off them because I can't stand it when I'm talking to a care coordinator or support worker and they say, "yeah something like that happened to me too, blah, blah, blah" and then spend ten minutes talking about themselves. I think it is okay to talk about yourself sometimes in these situations, but mostly it isn't.Argh, if I could just sort my confidence out and also my awkwardness in social interactions I know I could be really good at this job. I am pushing myself to the limit, honestly. I want to cry just thinking about how hard some of this stuff is for me... like talking with more than one person. Often several service-users will be sitting together in the communal areas and they chat with each other and the support workers. This is incredibly hard for me because I struggle so much with communication in situations like this due to my Asperger Syndrome. Plus I probably have social anxiety too, if I'm honest. So one-on-one I'm (mostly) fine at talking, but chatting within a group is next to impossible. But today I pushed myself to do it. Sometimes my comments got lost as I am too softly-spoken, and sometimes I got some odd looks because I'm socially inept, but sometimes I did communicate successfully. And I tried, dammit! At least I tried, right? I feel like this job would be challenging anyway, but when you're feeling depressed, exhausted and overwhelmed everything takes superhuman effort. But I'm not superhuman, unfortunately. And if I'm late tomorrow I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. |
| I'm not sure blogging about my first shift is a good idea when I am feeling anxious and incredibly emotionally fragile, but I feel like I want to talk about it. I wish I could say it had gone well, but it really didn't. So this is how it went, really. Sorry if this entry is a bit scattered! The manager is nice, but also crazy busy and disappeared elsewhere to a meeting early on in my shift. Before that he only had time to introduce me to a couple of staff members and I was instructed to shadow a nurse. This turned out to be pointless as she was doing paperwork. It's hard to shadow someone doing paperwork, especially when the paperwork is not at all relevant to your role and therefore there is no need for you to know about it! After an hour or so another clinical support worker took pity on me and got me some patient files to read. This was interesting but intense and I found it more upsetting than I thought I would. I also wished I had met the service-users first before reading their files as I feel what I read made me a little more anxious and wary of them when I did finally get to meet them than I would have been had I met them first, if that makes sense. One annoying thing about today is that they do not have my ID badge or key fob yet, so I was basically imprisoned on the ward and had to depend on other people to open doors for me. But I suppose in a way this has given me a sense of what it is like to be a service-user there and I will use that to help me emphasise with people. But of course I knew I could leave, which obviously makes a huge difference. Despite my mental health problems I have never been sectioned, though I came extremely close to that happening a couple times around this time last year. On the first occasion I was told I was being detained under the mental health act and an application to have me sectioned was actually made. Somehow I was able to talk my way out of it, but I still remember the complete terror I felt at being told they were going to call the police to escort me to hospital. That was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life and I feel grateful it didn't go further than that. But I think that experience will help me to relate to these women and give me an idea of how scared and out of control they must be feeling. After a break I returned to the nursing station and asked the nurse I was shadowing if there was anything I could be doing or reading. I felt incredibly bored and useless, to be honest, and wanted to do something other than sit around watching someone type. She wasn't sure and asked the lead nurse, who just shrugged and said, "not really". I don't get a good vibe from the lead nurse. She is very unfriendly. She then said I could go and mingle and introduce myself to people. This panicked me as I do not have the confidence to do something like that. I then got upset because I didn't have the confidence to tell her that I don't have the confidence to introduce myself to people!  This was awkward and the two nurses just ignored the fact that I was a bit tearful.Eventually the lead nurse found a support worker for me to shadow and he started to teach me about taking obs. After that I found another couple of support workers and kind of latched on to the friendliest one. She's only worked there a few weeks herself but she was really helpful and nice to me, which I so, so appreciated! A few things bothered me...  The building is ridiculously hot. It is like working in a sauna in the middle of a desert. I seriously regretted my decision to wear a knitted jumper. The nurses spent most of the time in the office doing paperwork (which seriously puts me off mental health nursing) and sometimes ignored service-users who came to say or ask something. This kind of thing happened in my previous job as well and I find it unbelievable. I consider it to be absolutely rude and unacceptable. I mean, I know they're busy but it only takes a moment to say, "just give me a few seconds to do this and you'll have my full attention". I never ignored anyone in my previous job and I vow right now to never do it in this one. One service-user is already breaking my heart as she is so completely bewildered and vulnerable. I noticed that nobody was engaging with her and asked another support worker why and asked is it because she prefers to keep herself to herself. I didn't want to attempt to interact with her if it was just going to stress her out, but I also suspected that she gets ignored a bit as she is very confused and hard to understand. The support worker misunderstood me at first and thought I was asking why the patient wasn't engaging with others. When I cleared that up she seemed to be a little defensive and said she always stops to say hello. A short while later I saw her interacting with this lady and wonder if that was my doing. It's nice to think I may have had a positive impact on my first day! Intruding on people's privacy is going to be extremely hard for me. Some people are on regular observations for their own safety, which I understand, but the way they do the observations feels so wrong to me, though right now I can't think of a better way to do it. I am going to struggle with that aspect of the job, I know.So that was my first day. It was stressful, it was draining. It was completely overwhelming. The commute was horrible. I don't want to go back. But I will. Thankfully I'm seeing my care coordinator on Wednesday and my GP on Thursday, so hopefully I'll be able to get some support from them. I actually feel close to breaking down myself at the moment and I hate how close to the surface my tears are all the time. I feel like I'm not coping at the moment and I'm scared. |
| I am starting my new job tomorrow and I am SCARED! I've just had a two week break between leaving my old job and starting this new one and have been going a little stir crazy. It has been a reminder of the years of unemployment I had and how bored and useless I felt during that period. But still, despite knowing I need to work for my own sanity and wanting to contribute to society in this way, part of me right now just wants to stay in bed in the morning and not drive forty minutes to a town I don't know, to work with people I don't know in an incredibly demanding and responsible role. I'm just thinking, Oh my god, what am I doing? I'm not capable of this. But I will do it. Because despite the overwhelming anxiety I have suffered from for years, I am a doer! I face up to my fears. That is something I pride myself on. That is something I like about myself. I just wish I didn't feel scared this much and this often. I feel like I am scared about 90% of the time! That's not a good way to be. At least I'm only doing a five hour shift tomorrow and I should be home before 4pm. Unfortunately after work I have to take Jade to see the vet. This was just supposed to be a follow-up for her last appointment, but there are a couple of things I am concerned about and want to mention to the vet. Firstly, her leg problems have gotten a lot worse recently and she falls multiple times a day now. I know there isn't anything that can be done medically as the weakness in her back legs is caused by a degenerative nerve condition that is almost certainly related to her advanced age, so I suppose I just want to have a conversation about her quality of life. Another thing I am worried about is her increasing episodes of confusion. We have been told that Jade very likely has some kind of canine dementia and I feel this has gotten worse too. She is having more and more episodes where she paces around panting and whining and can't settle, and she'll get locked into a cycle where she'll go outside, come back in almost straight away, go upstairs and then come back down almost straight, and then go outside again etc. Again, this isn't something that can be cured but I do want to discuss with the vet if there is anything we can do to help her when she gets like that. I'm thinking possibly a mild sedative might help in calming her down. What is so upsetting about all of this is that pretty much every day I get a glimpse of my happy, playful, fun-loving Jadey -- the way she used to be all the time -- but these are fleeting moments. The rest of the time she is either sleeping or pacing around in confusion. So what do I do? My dog is deteriorating before my eyes and I don't know if she is suffering too much. Obviously the confused episodes and the falls are distressing for her and us, but she is still eating, still able to go on walks (though she is a little reluctant to go these days), still happily greets me and my family when we come home, still has her playful moments and is still as affectionate as ever. But when is enough enough? When do the negatives start to outweigh the positives? How will I know? And how the hell am I supposed to make this decision about a dog who has been in my family for almost fifteen years? She has been in my life for more than half of it. I was thirteen when my family got Jade and she was just five weeks old. She is more than just a pet dog... she is my family, my friend. I can hardly remember life before her and I can hardly bear to contemplate a future without her. I feel like it is really special to have known and cared for a dog at every stage of her life, but it is also incredibly tough to see her going through this and to know that she isn't always going to be here. Wow... what a downer. Sorry about that. I think tomorrow is going to be tough... |
| FINE! Yep, based on my informal visit to my new workplace this morning, I think that maybe, just maybe, I'm going to be okay... The manager is ridiculously lovely, as in this-is-to-good-to-be-true-what's-the-catch kind of lovely! But hopefully he really is like that and there is no catch. I think I'm just wary as my previous manager came across as so nice and supportive, but was actually useless and a bit of a bully in a very subtle way. But this guy listened to me and reassured me and tried to put me at ease over some things that have been worrying me. The only thing I don't like about him so far is that he is TALL! Very tall. I feel incredibly short next to him. Well, I am incredibly short (just five feet small ) but he really makes me aware of just how short I am! The unit I will be working on seems okay. It's a small, acute inpatient unit for women of working age. Initially I was going to be based on a ward for people of retirement age, but then they decided they would be able to support me better at this other place. I'm actually glad. While I think it would be nice to work with older people, I was worried about how much of my job would involve moving and handling, and also personal care. These things worry me as I have some issues when it comes to physical contact. I know I need to overcome this if I want to be an Occupational Therapist because I'm pretty sure OTs need to touch people sometimes! But anyway, I'm hoping the service-users on my unit will not have physical care needs. Also, as a woman of working age who has mental health problems, I think I am going to be able to relate more to these ladies than I perhaps would to older adults. When I got there, a student nurse showed me around. She said she is fairly new there as well and seemed nice, though she was also very tall! And very, very young. I swear they let children become doctors and nurses these days! After that I had to wait for the manager, who was crazy busy due to a staff member calling in sick. While I was waiting I got to speak with a couple of the patients and I'm pleased with how easily and naturally I was able to talk with them. After that I spoke with the manager and have finally cleared up the confusion over my hours. Though the Occupational Health doctor recommended I begin on five hours a week and not travel in rush hour, I was then informed I would be working 9am to 5pm for my first week! But the manager is happy to put the adjustments in place and I will be doing 10am to 3pm for my first week and will then either do the same for my second week, or go up to a 6 hour shift depending on how I'm coping. The idea is to build up to full time work, which I think is the best way of doing it for me, rather than just jumping straight in and trying to work 37.5 hours a week!So I am feeling tentatively positive about it all right now. Fingers crossed it will be as good as it seems like it might be... and that I will be able to cope with such dramatic changes to my life. ARGH! So scared! |
| There's this woman who goes to the trampoline-based fitness class my sister and I go to and she is so damn annoying! I know that sounds mean, but it's true! She's always messing around and trying to get a laugh from people but unfortunately she just isn't funny. I'm at a point where I have stopped politely smiling at her stupidity, and now I just ignore her. But today she got "stuck" in the foam pit and the whole session ground to a halt while the staff tried to get her out. Call me cynical but I don't think she was really stuck. I couldn't help it but I rolled my eyes and then looked over at my sister to see her doing the same. And other people around us had rather fixed smiles on their faces. Thing is, each hour long session costs about £7 and I feel that's a significant amount. If I'm paying that per session then I want my money's worth! I don't want to pay to stand around while some idiotic woman flails about in the foam pit pretending she can't get out. I mean, come on! Grow up! But apart from her, I absolutely love the class. My sister and I have such a laugh (while not distracting or annoying anyone else). It is a ridiculous amount of fun as well as being a good workout. I wish I could do it more but the cost is a little high to be going two or three times a week. Oh well, maybe when I'm rich! In the meantime I need to find another enjoyable exercise that is free or cheap. I have my bike but I don't find cycling that fun and I think it will be even less fun the colder the weather gets. In other news I am making an informal visit to my new workplace and meeting my new manager tomorrow, My anxiety over changing jobs is rising and rising and I think I will be a nervous wreck on Sunday evening, though I hope the visit tomorrow will make me less of a wreck than I would have been. I kind of wish I hadn't had this two week break between jobs because it has given me plenty of time to think about what might be in store for me and to get worked up. On the other hand it has been nice to rest after the stresses of the last job and to mentally switch off from it all so I can focus on my new role. This is the big test for me. This is my first job in the mental health field and if all goes well then I will be pursuing a career in this area with every fibre of my being! Seriously. When I have a goal that I feel absolutely passionate about achieving, nothing can stop me! I am so scared about how things have been and are continuing to change for me, but kind of (cautiously) excited too. I am transforming my life. I'm making that happen and it feels amazing to see my hard work paying off. But it's also frustrating that there are still some things holding me back, like my anxiety, which can be overwhelming at times, and the horrendously stressful issues around my body image, which I am struggling with so much at the moment, to the point where I sometimes feel suicidal. I am beginning to accept that I will always have issues with my mental health but I wish I could get to a point where I don't feel like I am constantly having to fight. It is exhausting. I don't want my life to always be a fight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of putting in the work to get the things I want in life but sometimes I just want a breather from all the crap! I never get a break! I am keeping my fingers crossed that this job works out because I really need it to. If the job is interesting, fulfilling and challenging enough that I don't get bored, but not too challenging that I get disillusioned, and if the management team are supportive as they seem to be so far, then I will be able to cope with the commute and working shifts and working full time. But what if it's not like that? And what if the support isn't there? I'm scared. |
| I had a very busy week last week, and this week is shaping up to be the same. It's hard to deal with as I feel quite depressed at the moment, but I'm ploughing on through, just like I always do. Last Thursday Mark and I drove to where I think I will be working in my new job (bizarrely the employer still hasn't confirmed the address!) I found the drive quite stressful, but think it will be manageable once I have become familiar with the route. I need to keep telling myself that anyway. Today I have finally had contact with the director, but we didn't get to speak much as I was on a train and she couldn't hear me. She told me to call her once I stopped, which I did, but she wasn't available then. I called her again when I got home, but still nothing. It's annoying because I know I will feel a lot less anxious about the job when I know exactly where I need to be. I also need to clarify my hours with them as it has been recommended by Occupational Health that I begin on five hours a day for my first week and avoid travelling in rush hour, but I have been told by recruitment that my first week will be 9-5. Obviously I want to straighten this out before I start.But enough of that! Friday was my last shift at work. The time spent with the guy I have supported the most was wonderful, but telling him I am leaving was not. I have been trying for WEEKS to discuss with my team leader how best to approach this situation but she kept saying we would talk about it later. That morning I was told they were having a house meeting in the afternoon (yep, no advance warning of this! ) and so I hoped my team leader and I could come up with a plan to tell the guy. But nope! She just said we might tell him after the meeting and left it at that. The guy gets anxious at meetings, and so stayed upstairs for most of it, but my team leader called him down and said I had something to tell him. This threw me and I looked at my team leader and said, "I have to say it?" I didn't think it should come from me and if she had discussed it with me beforehand, like I wanted, we could have planned this. I also thought it was pretty stupid to tell him in front of everybody at the meeting, especially considering he finds those kinds of situations daunting. He reacted okay but I could tell he was overwhelmed and that made me sad. The first thing he said was, "we'll miss her" and he made a comment about needing to advertise my job. He then started rambling, which is a sure sign he is anxious. I tried not to draw out the goodbye for both of our sakes and just wished him a nice holiday (thankfully he has that to focus on so hopefully won't be too stressed about me going). Then I left and cried all the way home. I will miss working with him so much. It has been an absolute privilege and I feel I am a better person now because of him. He is one of the most awesome people I have ever met and I have grown to love him. Walking away from the trusting, respectful relationship friendship I have built up with him over the last seven months or so is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It has hurt my soul immensely. I feel angry at my team leader for handling the situation so badly. We had plenty of time to talk about the best way to do it and I kept trying to. I also feel angry at the company for being so crap. If they had been better perhaps I would have stayed longer, because although the job is difficult, scary and boring at times, there have been many wonderful, fulfilling moments. I know I have done the right thing leaving this job, but... wow... But that's not everything! On Saturday I went to a university open day to find out more about their Occupational Therapy course. It was interesting and informative and I'm pretty sure OT is what I want to do (though I haven't completely ruled out psychology). I will be applying for two accelerated Master's courses and five undergraduate courses. I'm a bit limited in where I can apply as I would like to stay as local as possible. I need to do another blog entry soon on the pros and cons of the Master's and undergraduate courses because I seriously cannot decide which is the better route to take. Still, it might be taken out of my hands anyway as I have to get through the application and interview stages! That was last week. This week, Mark went home yesterday and I went into the office to sort some things out with my manager and hand my last timesheet in. And today I had my interview for the peer support worker role, but it went horrendously. I even cried in it. I'm trying to focus on the positive that I travelled to and in London by myself for the first time, but I just feel completely mortified and embarrassed about how the interview went. At least I already have another job lined up though, so it won't be the end of the world when I do not get offered this one. It would have complicated things a lot too with me not knowing whether to accept it or go with the other one I am starting next month. Perhaps I subconsciously sabotaged myself for this reason! Tomorrow I am having an assessment to see what treatments the mental health team can offer me and I am practising my new work route again with my mum's partner, who knows the area fairly well. I also have my fitness class in the evening and hope I will be okay to go as I have hurt my hip today (aggravated an old karate injury with all the walking I've had to do. ). On Thursday I am going to an Occupational Therapy Open morning at one of the NHS trusts as I want to get as much information as possible to help me with my application, and to make sure this is definitely the right pathway for me to go down.So busy, busy, busy. Hopefully next week I will have some time to relax before I start the new job. I feel so scared about that and am very overwhelmed right now. I wish I was better at dealing with life. |
| I've had a rough couple of days with feeling very depressed and anxious. I've also cut my face yesterday and the cut is right in the MIDDLE! ARGH! On Facebook and to my family I have said I got it from walking into a cupboard door (which is something I have done before) but the truth is I compulsively cut a perceived defect. You know, it is as clear as a teardrop that I have body dysmorphic disorder and I feel frustrated that I can't seem to get help for it. But this is probably the most extreme thing I have done because of it and maybe if I speak to the mental health team about it they will finally get me the help I need. Who knows? Maybe not. Maybe I'll eventually end up cutting off my head and then they'll say, "Ah, we should have listened and gotten her help sooner!" Anyway, I am feeling very self-conscious about the cut and so today I went to one of the make-up counters at Boots and said to the young woman, "I've cut my face. I'd like to cover it up but know NOTHING about make-up. Please help!" She identified my skin shade (cool vanilla, apparently) and put concealer on the cut and then covered my whole face with foundation. It felt weird, like I was wearing paint on my skin. I don't know how some people wear that stuff all day everyday! It also looked a bit weird -- kind of powdery.The girl could tell I was unsure and said to go away and think about it before buying the products, but I just decided to go for it because I'd prefer painted, powdery skin to a huge red wound right in the middle of my face. I hope it heals quickly but I think it might be a bit infected and covering it over probably won't help it much and may make it worse. Still, I don't feel able to go out in public with it so visible. Urgh. And I ended up cancelling my fitness class tonight as I thought sweating might make the make-up come off. Friday is probably going to be my last shift at work. I'm supposed to be in two days next week too but on one shift I'm meant to support the guy I had to call the police for and I absolutely refuse to support him alone now because I consider it too risky and am not willing to put myself in such danger. I would do the other shift but have been invited to a selection event for a mental health peer support worker role. I applied for this when the NHS job was still uncertain and it is an interesting one because they are recruiting people who have had struggles with mental illness themselves. Although the NHS job is now definite I am 90% certain I will be attending the "selection event" because I like to keep my options open and the job might be amazing! Plus I need all the interview practise I can get. But getting the time off work is proving difficult. On Monday I asked my manager if I have any holiday left but she couldn't tell me as their record wasn't up to date (typical). She said she would look into it and get back to me. On Tuesday she text to arrange my exit interview and so I asked if she had looked into the holiday matter but she did not respond. I actually think she might not respond at all, or she'll wait to the last minute and then tell me it's too late to arrange cover for me to take the holiday. I'm hoping she'll prove me wrong on that but things are a bit tense and frosty between us for various reasons and I wouldn't put it past her. But whatever, I'll call in sick if I have to. I don't want to do that but this company has treated me appallingly and I feel no loyalty towards it. I hope my new job works out better. I don't think it could be much worse!So... tomorrow Mark and I are going to the town where I'll be based for my new job. That's if we are both feeling better (me from my depression and Mark from his migraine). We're going to go the site I think I'll be working at (bizarrely my new employer can't seem to tell me the exact address, but I think I found it after googling it). Then we're going to check out the venue for the David Ford concert on Friday and if parking is straight-forward and tickets are still available, then we might go! We also plan on doing a bit of shopping. I have a clothes voucher I want to spend and also my mum gave me a book voucher for doing so well on my course. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day than today... and yesterday... and the day before that! Fingers crossed. |
| There's no denying that in the last year or so I have absolutely turned my life around. I no longer say I need to get my life on track, because it is on track! Now I'm just working hard to keep it on track and am also trying to build up speed. When I think back to early 2014, when it seemed like I would never get a job and I felt so hopeless I tried to end my life, I can't actually believe how far I have come. I have maintained a difficult job for over seven months now and I have been offered a new one, which I will start in October. I've also successfully studied at degree level again for the first time in six years and not only passed the course, but achieved a distinction. I've received interview invitations for 4 out of 5 mental health related jobs I have applied for, which is confirmation for me that I have chosen the right pathway. I've already saved enough money to be able to afford to do a psychology conversion course in September 2016 and if I choose to do Occupational Therapy instead (which is funded) the saved money will help me with living costs. I still have problems with my mental health but I am learning to accept I always will. For me, it's not about getting better. I just need to manage my conditions. And to a certain extent I feel like I'm doing that. Sometimes anyway! However, I feel sad a lot because of all the time that has been wasted. I feel like I have lost at LEAST ten years of my life to mental illness and now, at the grand old age of 28, I am beginning my adult life. I feel rather envious of my peers who established their careers in their twenties and are now thinking about starting families. I'm playing catch-up and it's horrible. So yeah, I'm incredibly proud of everything I have achieved in the last year but I feel sad at the lost opportunities and I get overwhelmed when I think of how far I still have to go to get to where I want to be. I also feel scared about how I am going to fit everything in! Recently I keep coming across articles about fertility and how women should consider having babies sooner rather than later. The two things I want more anything in the world are, in no particular order: 1. to have a career I love and 2. to have a family. I'm working on the career but the other one isn't so easy! If I choose to retrain as an OT I will begin studying when I am 29 and won't qualify until I'm 31 (if I do an accelerated master's) or 32 (if I do an undergraduate course). So when do I have the baby?! I wouldn't want to have a child immediately after graduating as I would like to get a job and begin establishing my career. So I might not be able to start thinking about it until I'm 33 or 34, by which time it may be too late, or extremely difficult, if all the stuff I have been reading is to be believed. Plus there is the matter of my partner, who does not seem to feel the same sense of urgency about this as I do (probably because he doesn't have ovaries and a uterus and hormones telling him, "NOW! Now is perfect! Do it now!") Yes, my body thinks that NOW is the perfect time for a baby. Seriously, I see babies and pregnant women EVERYWHERE and I have frequent dreams about babies and pregnancy too, though bizarrely any time I've had a baby in a dream it has always been a doll -- weird. Anyway, I digress! So yeah, this gets me down because if I hadn't been battling mental health problems for what is more than half my life, I would probably have a well-established career now and I wouldn't be feeling pressured by time and confused about how to achieve everything I want to achieve. I just feel like the majority of my twenties has been sucked into a black hole and I feel kind of angry. I feel angry that this part of my life was denied me really because I have not been living. Until this year I was just existing. Now I have to make up for lost time and it is terrifying. I am trying to stay positive but I mostly feel overwhelmed right now. |
| Argh! The start-date for my new job is October 12th and I have told the employer that I absolutely cannot work on the 24th due to a prior commitment. They seemed fine with this. Now I've remembered my mum has booked theatre tickets for November 2nd and I am wondering what to do! I will be working shifts in the new job and have no idea how the rota works or what my shift pattern will be. So I am trying to decide which of the following options is best: 1. Do I email them over the next few days and say that I will not be able to work on November 2nd as well (though I would say something about how if it is an issue, I can drop my prior commitment)? 2. Do I wait until my start-date and then tell them about it (but again, say I can drop the commitment if it's an issue)? 3. Do I keep quiet and keep my fingers crossed that I am not required to do a shift that evening (and then just suck it up if I have to work and can't go to the theatre)? I just don't know how to handle this and it is suddenly causing me a lot of anxiety. I feel the first option could make me come across as demanding and inflexible, but would also give them a fair bit of notice. The second option might backfire as they would probably already have the rota in place by then, but it seems politer to make a request like this when I have already started, rather than before. And the third option means that I can avoid any awkwardness, but will feel very anxious until I know if I'm working then or not and might end up feeling disappointed and that I've let my mum down. So what do I do? Any thoughts on this would be very much appreciated! But now for something less stressful... I have passed my psychology course with distinction! A distinction starts at 70% and I got 84% overall. And I feel really proud because I got over 70% on every exam and assignment. Please forgive the bragging! It's just that I worked extremely hard and was aiming for a distinction so it feels amazing to have my hard work pay off. And it has been hugely stressful trying to complete the course while pressuring myself to get a high grade, trying to maintain a tough job within an extremely unsupportive company and dealing with my health problems. I feel like I have achieved something. I was nervous to return to university and worried I wasn't capable of that level of study anymore but I have proved to myself that my academic brain still works! Yay! Go me!  |
| I had a good shift at work yesterday and was just about to head home when things exploded. I won't go into too much detail but one of the guys we support began displaying incredibly dangerous behaviour that put himself and others at risk. In a way we were lucky that this happened at the handover as there were three members of staff on site. Had it happened just a couple of minutes later, one person would have had to deal with it alone. Anyway, I ended up having to call the police and I can't tell you how traumatic it was to hear my colleagues' frightened voices and shouts of pain while the emergency call handler asked me seemingly pointless questions such as, "what colour hair does he have?" I could not sleep last night as I kept thinking about what happened and the things I wish I had done differently. While I didn't completely lose my head, I had several brain-freeze moments and now part of me feels I let my colleagues down. On the other hand, I know I did my best in a very stressful and scary situation. I just wish my best had been better! But I am proud of the way I managed to speak calmly and reassuringly to the other service-user who was obviously very frightened. That's at least one thing I did well! In the end the guy calmed down as soon as the police arrived and nobody was seriously injured. I'm not entirely sure what happened immediately after the incident as the manager, who showed up shortly after the police, told me to go for a walk with the other service-user. That was good for him as he was able to get away and talk through what had happened and what he was feeling, but not good for me when all I wanted to do was make sure my colleagues were okay and to talk with them about what we had just been through. The manager left not long after I got back to the house, which I feel disgusted about because she really should have stayed to support us. She even expected my colleague who was going to do the night shift to stay there but me and my other colleague insisted they find cover so she could go home. How on earth could she stay there and provide good care after a traumatic incident like that? I feel angry that this was expected of her. Anyway, once the manager left, we dealt with the aftermath, which involved me calling for medical advice on behalf of the guy, who could potentially have killed himself. I offered to do that as I could see my colleagues were very shaken up, more so than me, which is understandable really as they are the ones who were trying to restrain him. I also just tried to be there for them and we talked a lot. I ended up leaving almost three hours after my shift was supposed to end, but that's fine. I was willing to step up and deal with things, even if my manager wasn't! This is why I am so glad to be getting out of there -- there is no support or care from management at all and it is completely demoralising. So that was that. It was horrible and terrifying but we got through it. I'm trying to move past it but I think it will take a while. In happier news, I got the result of my lab report yesterday. I scored 82%, which is a distinction! Now I'm just waiting for two exam results but I've worked out I could score 0 on them and still get a passing overall grade for the course. So go me! |
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You always have a home and family here. I do hope your life has settled down and that you'll be back soon. You are missed.
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