'As though the platform would suddenly disappear if they did not alight in the first two minutes' - I liked this line, it was very funny and indicated that people are the same, even in - what to me - is an exotic local like Mumbai.
'His horn blared merrily in staccato accompaniment to his colourful suggestions to less able drivers.' - I also liked this line. It captured the character and scene vividly without the need to demonstrate the actual words used - not that I have anything against profanity in writing.
'six impudent inches' - another good one. This struck me about the piece, it is filled with fun little lines. Effective turns of phrase. The world around the narrator is captured excelently. Its strangeness juxtaposed with recognisable characteristics and details.
The narrator was likeable. She dealt with the surprises and sneakiness of the city folks well, even if she wasn't successful in getting exactly what she wanted.
This was a fun read. It really set the reader in the places described. Good stuff.
Suggestions
'it felt as though she could feel' - don't like this, felt and feel in the same line.
'difficulty is swallowing' - I think you mean in swallowing.
A fun little read. You didn't have too much room for details here, but you just about got everything in there.
It was fairly obvious in the opening paragraph that you were going to become exposed at some point - it was still fun finding out how.
It definitely qualifies as an embarrassing story.
Suggestions
'Here I am' - tense shift there, the rest of the piece is in past tense.
'in front of alot of people, most small children and deathly embarrassed' - a lot is not one word. Also, the sentence isn't quite right, you need to close off the additional information. i think what you meant was something like: 'in front of a lot of people, most of them small children, and deathly embarrassed'
Notes (13+) one of my first pieces describing the struggle of finding the right way of life and love. #1366123 by sireesa
I liked your title and description - it sounded a little bit existential, and I fancied reading something of that ilk.
The piece uses doors metaphorically. However, as it went on I found the metaphore a little over stretched, almost to the point of comedy, which I don't think was the idea - 'trapped behind, struggling to find the way out.' I think too much metaphore can obscure real emotion a little.
that said, I thought the premise was very good. I liked the mystery of the note and the scene where they both pull at it was quite touching.
I'm undecided whether I liked the ending or not. Again, it almost seemed comical.
Overall this was an interesting piece of writing. Experimental, but not nonsensical. I enjoyed reading it.
Suggestions
'something soft touching my feet makes me looking down.' - I think that should just be look, rather than looking.
'It is unmistakably the handwriting of a man, I think.' - I think this is supposed to be internal monologue, but it actually reads a little oddly, contradicting itself. It's as if she is saying 'Unmistakeably, I think' We can probably assume this is internal monologue, since the whole piece is an internal monologue, so you can drop the I think, I think.
'curiosity makes me wanting to know more.' - I think that should be want, rather than wanting. Doesn't curiosity always make one want to know more?
The internet-speak and typos in the chatroom section added a decent touch of realism to the piece. Unfortunately the rest of the piece is also littered with spellign and grammar errors.
I was a little confused what age teh girl was in this story. She seemed to be very young at times - sleeping in her sister's room and thinking her mum had carried her through to her own bed, but the next thing she had a zippo lighter, suggesting an older teenager. I was also unsure why she had the lighter on her person when the reader would expect she was ready for bed, maybe mention her picking it up on the way out of her room.
'10 months later Mrs. Greene gave birth to a boy named John and was given Alex's room and Jennifer's room became the Guest room. On Johns 15th birthday at around 10:30 he got on Jennifer's computer...' - Now, that would also make the computer over 15 years old. Don't you think they would have a new one?
Why could the boy not find the story on the internet? I'd imagine it would be covered on the internet, if it was covered in a newspaper. The newspaper's own website would have carried the story.
'in Johns closet' - I think his closet would make more sense here, since John is already mentioned in the sentence.
The ending wasn't really fitting. She was trying to end her parents' suffering - so why did she give them such awful deaths? Also, they had a new child who is now in the position of being an orphan. In the end, Jennifer was far worse than the original killer.
You could have an interesting story here, but at the moment it is riddled with plotholes and contradictions. I liked the chatroom sections, they seemed quite realistic and sinister, but the rest of it was a let down.
Suggestions
'becasue she was thinking about all thats happend she drifted off the sleep quickly.' - you need an apostraphe in that's as it's short for that has. It should also be 'drifted off to sleep', not the sleep.
You need to start new sentences with a capital letter.
In the first paragraph proper a lot of the sentences start with she - it became repetetive. Try changing things up a little.
'she wasnt in her sister's room anymore she, [she] was in hers.' - should be wasn't and I think you missed a word at the end there.
' staggerd to her sisters room' - sister's room.
'she paniked and ran into the closset' - panicked and closet.
'see who's it was' who's is used in place of who is or who was, you mean whose.
'a drag of a ciggerette' - cigarette. Try remembering it as cigar-ette.
'striked her in the temple' - struck, not striked.
'by there parents' - their.
'strangeld and stabbed' strangled.
'"JENNIFER GREENE GOD, PLEASE HELP ME"' - this reads as if her name is Jennifer Greene God. Try this: "Jennifer Greene, God, please help me". Or take a new sentence after Jennifer Greene.
Good opening, I liked the use of foreign words - I could guess their meaning through the context.
You painted a grim picture of the 1984-style government in the piece. It seemed very realistic and bleak.
Sentence structure varied nicely through the story. You told your tale simply and well.
Good, detailed use of the picture prompt.
I really enjoyed your story, it was very well written although there were a few technical aspects that distracted me a little - see below. Nevertheless, an excellent read - thanks for sharing.
Suggestions
'his once youthful visage' - Every time I see teh word visage I think Someone's written face, then used the thesaurus. However, it could fit in with your theme of words with foreign origins....I think?
'the once steel building' - I'd say the building is still steel, even if it's a little corroded. Did you miss a word, maybe? 'Once gleaming steel...'?
Do two-year-olds still wear nappies, or are you talking about some other kind of baby waste'?
'Of furry creatures' - the way this sentence starts doesn't seem to make sense. 'A world of furry creatures...'?
An amusing opening scene. I particularly liked this line: 'he and it were always in constant war to keep the border in place, much like their historic brethren'
There was some good word play in the piece, linking back to various aspects of laundering clothes. This was quite clever and fun to read.
There were some nice touches of detail in the story, adding realism. One example is the explanation for the laundry's open door.
The ending was suitably funny and dealt with The Drunk admirably. Overall, a fun little read.
Suggestions
'full of the normal Sunday morning crown' - I think you meant crowd here.
I liked the section where the fish is hooked. The grammar is all over the place, but the sharp changes in structure and short, hurried sentences capture the urgent excitement of the scene.
The light hearted tone of the piece also worked well. It was quite conversational.
The story was let down on the technical side. The grammar was terrible and there were basic spelling errors. It also switched from past to present tense and back again. It could definitely use some editing work. With all the technical errors picked up, I'd give this 3.5 stars.
Suggestions
'It is Saturday morning and the alarm has just sounded.... I
opened my eyes' - There's a shift in tense there. I think most of this is past tense, so change it to 'It was a Saturday morning and the alarm had just sounded...' I noticed more shift in tense later on, have a read over the piece.
'I sat up and rubbed the sleep from [my eyes] with my fists.' - Missed a word or two in there.
'I then stick my hand in [the] icy cold water of the bucket' - another missing word.
'The water begins to churns' - That should just be churn.
'Did you see that?? He just jumped straight up out of the water' - It sounds like you are addressing the reader here, of course we didn't see it, we weren't there. I think "Did you see that?" needs to be in inverted commas as direct speech - there were a few other examples like this in the story.
Bee Infestation (E) A story about how a man chooses to deal with a bee hive in his back yard, and a satire. #1345865 by danman0929
Your description sounded interesting, so I popped in for a read.
This was a fun read. I particulalry enjoyed the aftermath of the attack.
The story had some gentle satire concerning the nature of armament and retaliation.
The piece is good as it is, but with a few additions and tightening up it could be really special and really funny.
Suggestions
'I went to the local grocery store an bought' - that should be and, although this is informal first person narrative, in which case you could use an' but it needs the apostraphe.
The word attack is used repetedly to the point of tedium, particularly at the start of the second paragraph. Try to mix up your word choice a bit here, preemptive strike, siege, bombardment there are many, many other words you could employ here.
I found some other sections hurried and a bit confusing to read, particulalry the part where he appeases his wife, but then takes on fire ants instead of bees. The story seemed to jump track a bit.
This is quite a strange and surreal tale. It's never clear if the characters described are people or something else. The fact that the village 'flowered from a crack on the ground' suggests they are something small. Insects, maybe. But they are refered to as people later in the story.
I went and tracked down the original of the piece you based this on. I liked the humour of that one, it didn't have so much of the surreal aspects of your version. Were you just retelling the joke?
Anyway, I quite enjoyed this strange read, although it left me wondering what the point was.
Suggestions
First off, I'd leave a line space between paragraphs, just to make things easier for the reader looking at a computer screen.
Also, you haven't given the piece a rating. I think this stops a lot of users seeing it (depending on what ratings their settings allow them to view). You could probably just go for an E rating on this one.
This is quite a strange little story. It's different than things I would normally read.
You described your husband's experience quite well. It clearly means a lot to him.
The title of this piece drew me in. I wanted to see if it offered something unexpected, it didn't, but it was an interesting read all the same.
Suggestions
The word church was repeated to distraction in the opening paragraph. Try changing things up a little here. Try building, holy place, chappel, hallowed chambers or anything else suitable you can think of.
The third paragraph has a rather long sentence in it starting: 'He saw two chairs...'
I think you captured the essence of a vicious hangover in this one. Jimmy probably has these same regrets every Saturday Morning by the sounds of it.
You kept things pretty simple in this one. Just a little slice of this guy's life, nothing fancy.
The story was pretty amusing as it drew to its inevitable conclusion. It left me wondering, though, how Ben always managed to find two women, and pretty ones, too.
Suggestions
'The bright fire' - a bit of repetition of the word bright in paragraph one.
'The apparition in the mirror he saw before him, stared one-eyed, back.' - Somethign funny going on with the commas in this one. Try - 'The apparition in the mirror he saw before him stared back one-eyed.'
I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a surprise, but I guessed who the narrator was early in the second paragraph.
'looked as if a herd of monkeys had used our beds as a trampoline.' - this was my favourite line. It should technically be troupe of monkeys, but I'm not sure the narrator would know this anyway.
This was a fun little read and something a little different to stumble accross.
Suggestions
'My bowl was sitting [in] a pool of the sticky mess.' - missing a word in there.
An interesting idea and perspective for this story. We see the journey of a five dollar bill on a Friday night. Unfortunately, the journey is rather cliched and predictable.
I thought the twist at the end lifted things up a little.
I did enjoy the read, the tone of the piece made it fun and entertaining and the concept was quite novel.
With a bit more thought this could be something special.
Suggestions
The opening scene seems a little unlikely - would James really risk such a visit to his home each week? Surely the neighbours would notice and it could get back to his wife. The next paragraph also seems unlikely, given we have just been told Candy is 'Expensive' we might assume she is highclass. I can't imagine James, or anyone else, paying big bucks for a drug-addled husk of a woman.
Strong opening scene here. I liked your use of description, particularly in the second paragraph where the bottle rolls across the floor.
There was an unexpected and subtle twist about halfway through the piece.
The characterisation was strong. I liked the little touches of dark humour and the narrator's snide comments.
Overall, well written and a good read.
Suggestions
I didn't spot any technical errors, but your formatting is a little off in the final section, no line space left between the paragraphs. Have a look at the item in public view and you'll see what I mean.
You've got the decent bones of a story here. The crime is quite sinister and the interogation was quite realistic at times. However, I did feel it could have been better executed. The "twist" was very obvious as soon as the second section of the story began, in fact, the title gave away quite a lot by itself.
You used the structure well to break up the story.
It was a fun little read in any case, and it'd be worth the effort to improve it a little.
Suggestions
'Officer Robert Stanley were questing him.' - Think you meant questioning him.
'Look[,] like I told you, she’s done this before' - need another comma as indicated.
'She says she’s going to leave me[,] disappears for a few days than comes back.' - Comma again.
'Now[,] lets go over this again[.] where were you on Tuesday the tenth?' - Another comma, and I'd take a new sentence as indicated as well.
'Steve said[,] while getting up from the chair' - use a comma to seperate speech labels from actions.
'No[,] I was alone, But that doesn’t prove I killed her' - Comma again and but should have a small letter.
'So where did you go!' - That's a question, so should have a question mark.
'He must have buried her in my wife’s grave' - The conversation around this topic is very matter-of-fact. I think it could use a little more emotion, perhaps some cursing of the low life criminal who would do such a thing.
Great opening. I like the gleefully offensive tone of the piece.
'directly in the twitching vermin's fingerless gloved hands.' - Just a sample of the delights on offer. You have quite a turn of phrase. The imagery and language use is most impressive.
The tone changes drastically as you consider the Biologist's income. Nice use of contrast and juxtaposition here.
Overall, I really enjoyed this one. There was a bit of bite to the humour and some very funny lines. It was well written and structured.
I like to read biographical pieces like this, it gives us a little glimpse into the lives of others.
'I resembled a scarecrow wearing a baseball cap' - good description there.
'saw a small pill going over the right field' - Another good image. Writing like this stands out from the baseball jargon in the rest of the piece (even though right field is baseball jargon).
The closing few lines rounded the piece off nicely. I liked the phylisophical tone here.
Overall I enjoyed the read and felt there was a good story here, though the execution could be tightened up in a few places.
Suggestions
You might want to take a look at your formatting, the story takes new lines at odd moments and it's a little distracting for the reader.
'but are lead off hitter[,] Bret Beasley[,] smacked a single in to left field' - I think you meant our, not are and you need a couple of commas as indicated. I would also point out at this stage that the piece uses a lot of baseball terminology which makes it less readable for the less baseball savvy reader. I can guess at some of the terms, but I have no idea what a 'sharp rounder' is, for instance.
'I stole a glance back at Kenny Gunderman[,] he had a look of shock and
disbelief.' - Need that comma in there.
A strong opening. You set the scene and character well.
'the blitzed moonscape of London' - I thought this a very effective piece of imagery.
The piece was well written and an engaging read.
I expected Monty to be a tougher character towards the end, perhaps insisting John still pay the rent - it was a nice surprise to find some humanity in the man.
The final twist could have been obvious, but you handled it well and it worked for me. Good job.
Suggestions
'he never things when they broke?' - There's a word missing in there. Mended, perhaps.
'he parked the car and locked it' - I'm not sure if people locked their cars in those days or if cars even had keys. I could be wrong, though.
' It must have been a large bomb, possibly two hundred and fifty kilograms' - Monty would use pounds, not kilos. Sticking to period details like this can really improve a story.
I kind of had to read your story. I'm going on a bowling night with my work colleagues this evening, so when this came up under 'completely random' in the short stories, it was a little beacon to me.
I like the narrative tone of the piece. You seem like a no-nonsense type, at least in this story.
'Next Frame', 'Gutter Ball' - you seem to have quite an affinity with the technical terms of bowling, even if not for the game itself.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading about a total stranger's not too eventful night out, so you must have done a good job.
Suggestions
'with my T.O. S. arms' I don't know what this means. Try to avoid acronyms, unless they are in very common use and everybody will know them.
This one tells of ssome competetive parents reliving their past glories in an unusual field. The father narrates the build up to, the aftermath of and the easter egg hunt itself.
The child, Tara, is sure to terrorise other children every where she goes.
The piece had good pace and was based on quite an original idea. I enjoyed it.
Suggestions
'we readied out daughter for it' - Should be our, not out.
I'd probably expect a bit more of a reaction from the other parents, to be honest.
Some good description in the paragraph concerning the narrator's size.
I liked the vengeance aspect of the story, it added another layer to it.
Suggestions
I did think the piece could use some extensive editing.
'Excuse me[,] sir!' - I'd pop a comma in there, same in all cases when people are being addressed.
'It seemed like every one bullied me.' - everyone should be on e word here.
'It was an never ending' - Should be a, not an.
'gain an new bully' - a again.
'I decided to take the shortcut through the park[,] since I had left my umbrella at home' - you need a comma as indicated after the introductory statement.
' I instinctively turned around and just as I did this the man leaped upon me from behind. I fell over.' - this section is very matter of fact, I think you could have made better use of language and sentence structure to add impact here. It was an action sequence, but it felt a bit tame. Even just shortening and tightening up the sentence could help: 'Just as I turned a man leaped upon me from behind. I crashed to the cold, wet ground.'
'Just a bad dream[,] I thought to myself.' A comma to seperate his actual thought from the label.
'I slowly got of the bed' off, not of.
'was stunned at was [what] I saw '
'I [was] agile and full of confidence'
I noticed that a lot of the sentences started with things like I or I was. You should try to vary this, the repetition becomes tedious.
'I found my [way] down to the local youthclub'
You could maybe add a bit more characterisation, other than the guy is fat and has been bullied in the past - he's a little one dimensional and it is difficult to feel the full quota of sympathy for him.
I liked the gentle humour in the opening section. The scene was also easy to picture.
It was good to see some Indian phrases slipped unobtrusively into the piece - good use of the note function to give translations there.
The story telling was very natural in the piece and the characters seemed very real. However, Riddhima seemed unnaturally nosey about some quite personal details of the mechanic's life - this seemed a little unusual to me, particularly as he answered her questions quite freely.
' a tall, thin man, almost cadaverous in pallor.' I thought this description was excellent - your word choice throughout the piece is very interesting.
The story had an easy charm to it, right down to the very last line. All the elements came together well. Great job.
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Funny section when he wakes her.