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What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
In my heart, they live on! is a poem contained by its five quatrains in abcb rhyme. The poem is, for me, a tribute to a much-loved mom and dad that have passed on but not before leaving their values and love. The poem reminisces through good flowing lines assisted by the very good rhyme. I do not see any errors- great job!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello traylne, I'm jimmyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Opportunity is a nice flowing one stanza free-verse about wasted time. The poem has good end stops and isolated one word lines to add some punch. I do not see any errors in the body of the poem. The lack of punctuation and lowercase fits this piece well - good idea! I have some suggestions:
opportunity is a title and should be in uppercase.
The poem would be helped greatly by a setting and some imagery.
Good job!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Koyel~writing again, I'm jimmyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
The facets of Winter is a free-verse contained bu its three double spaced stanzas abut the title. The poem has great flow and each stanza presents a different facet- the first is magical, the second is hardship and starkness, the third is beauty. There is a nice interline rhyme in the second stanza to add some fun- trees and leaves. I do not see any spelling errors. I have some suggestions:
The poem is short so the double spacing is not too bad but I think single spacing would still be better- in longer poems it is a no-no making for hard reading and being passed by on the review page.
The second stanza is great but it is there that I find some problems:
The cruel hand of winter
denudes the trees;now bare;
with no fruits, flowers or leaves.
There is an extra space between cruel and hand
The semicolons in the second line are not needed - interfer with the flow and are incorrect.
In the third line perhaps yopu would consider without instead of with no and you need a comma after flowers.
It would look like this:
The cruel hand of winter
denudes the trees now bare
without fruits, flowers, or leaves.
A very nice effort- good job!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Edyn, I'm jimmyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Still Young and Pouncy is "A (fairly) light-hearted poem about my (Edyn's) cat, Kai." The poem is contained by its three stanza of 7-7 and 10 lines. The poem is rhymed as follows: aabbcde, aabbcde, aabxbccdefg. The piece flow nicely through its fun and if you are like me, you will be smiling the whole time. The rhyme is great- even the slightly off part as it paints the cat picture well- I love the creativity of the pattern right down to the (x) line. This poem is meant to be fun, and it is- "light-hearted" as described. I do not see any errors and celebrate the rare occasions of having no suggestions. Here Kitty-Kitty - Great Job!!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Ant Pearson, I'm jimmyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
A Dozen Roses for the Misses, is a love poem contained by its three quatrains. Twelve lines, twelve roses, each line presents a rose to an significant other. The sentiments are sweet and each rose is given in love. It is a clever concept. The flow of the poem is good and the rhyme pattern is unusual. The frist quatrain's rhyme is abc(b) (slightly off) - the second, aabc and the third is aaaa. The end stops are all open except for the last line of the poem which ends with a period. There are no spelling errors.
Suggestions and comments:
Three quatrains are a short poem- if the poem is rhymed, as this one is, it is better served by sticking with a rhyme pattern otherwise do it in free-verse or sparce unpatterened ryhme. The poem has the feel of some forced rhyme as the rhyme itself was getting lost- in other words- it does not have a strong natural feel that a love poem needs.
The poem is what I call a list poem, the listis each rose. We do not get to see the roses, we don't know the color, how they smell, where they are given, why they are given, how it feels to give them and if there are any thorns and if so who do they affect and what are the effects. What I am suggesting is that the poem is an outline to what could be a really great love poem if it were developed- the concept is fantastic Ant, make it great by breathing life into it.
There is on line where the flow is off and needs to be tightened- that's the last line of the poem.
Punctuation- not needed here the end stops work, but it would not hurt either. Suggestions:
By the 10th rose, in time - a comma is needed after time, think to it like this.
By the 10th rose she was froze - you are inserting a fragment ,in time, so it needs to be isolated by commas.
I would suggest one of two things, add correct punctuation or drop the period from the last line other wise you have a heck of a long run-on-sentence.
I love this concept Ant and I write a lot of love poems- this is a great idea. I hope that you develop it and let me know when it is done- I would love to see it.
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Nicole, I'm jimmyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Hands is a one stanza eight line poem one rhyme in the center. The poems flow is good and there is some good images. My favorite part is the first three lines my least favorite is two following lines. There are no spelling errors - I have some suggestions:
Knowing one day he’ll have to give her away. What would you think about: Knowing one day, he’ll have to give her away. or
Knowing one day that he’ll have to give her away.
The commas in the last two lines are not necessary.
Good job!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello alyoxenfree, I'm jimmyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Deception is a one stanza free-verse about self-deception brought on by an absent love. The poem has good flow and although very short, makes its point well. I do not see any errors, but I do have one suggestion:
And so begins the tale of the - the poem is too short to be a tale, I wonder how you would feel about finding another word or rewriting the first line.
Good Job!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello MDH2010, I'm jimmyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Fear Rushing is a one stanza free-verse with good flow and some nice descriptive words. The poems epiphany is excellent! I do not see any punctuation or spelling errors. I have some suggestions:
fear rushing- A poem's title shouldn't be in a lower case. This title fits the subject but neither the title nor the poem let us know or give a solid hint at a roller coaster; that should be corrected in either the title or the poem. We know it is a roller coaster only from the description provided with the title- if this was published elsewhere readers would have no idea what you walked onto- a Ferris wheel or lots of other things. We need some image or reference to help us.
Good effort!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Edyn, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Sinking is a depression poem contained by it flow nice flowing quatrains of very nice slightly off, perfect for the piece, rhyme. We are placed in a setting between calm skies and oceans of despondency- sound familiar anybody- I'm sure it does- we have all been to this place. There is one part of the great poem that I really love - it is the entire third quatrain- it is great. I have one place that I am having a hard time getting my head around- it is the last line:
"And all we get are broken lies." I need to think on this- I am going to take a break and come back fresh and see what I come up with. I am perplexed in this spot- I would get breaking lies- but lies are falsehoods and if the falsehood is broken, we are back at truth, and I don't think that is the meaning that was intended. Darn up to this point this was a 5 star gem. Does it mean the lies are in need of repair? Broken could mean in need of repair- YES!! - that idea delivers extra meaning to me- there are lies that I have been told that hurt me deep- ifthey were taken back by the truth it would help me to heal and be less depressed. I'm thinking out loud in a review- sorry never done that before-, but at least you get to see my process- lol. A minute ago this looked like an error, but now it really doesn't look that way to me. I am glad I gave this great poem its due and thought about it more. Great job!!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Champlain, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
The Lines s a one stanza free-verse about "how motherhood ages me". The short-lines help to underline the remorse felt over the loss of physical beauty and youth of pre-childbirth years. The first line gives readers a setting- in front of a mirror. The visual images are very good- you can see Champlain standing there- naked- looking up and down- seeing what time and childbirth have changed. The poem has great flow and a good transference epiphany. The image of this poem really hit- I'm the father of four, and I watched my wife's body change. That's what it was change- not less beautiful but different in the celebration of children. A young woman who gave her body to birth a son is more beautiful than a flat tummy or firm breast could possible ever be- there is no comparison - this is the epiphany. One little poem and look at all the feeling it pulls out- I see nothing but beauty in this mirror- Great Poem - Fantastic Job!!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello hannies_momma, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
The Lost Husband is a sad poem contained by its five quatrains of abcb rhyme. The poem tackles Alzheimer's or some other from of dementia and does with great flow and rhyme. The poem is tender, sad and written in a tone of undying love. No errors that I see- Good Job!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Ebunoluwa Johnson, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Heaven's window is one stanza of aa coupltes about the Heavenly Father looking down upon us with a promise. The poem has good flow and the concept for the write is good as well. The rhyme is ok but in places is reached for- not natural. I see some errors:
Heaven's (window) = (Window)
really (i) would. = (I)
The last for lines are my favorite - lines 6 and 7 my least favorite. Good job!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Nadene, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Found is a poem of self discovery contained by its four quatrains of abcb rhyme. The poem opens with some good imagery that leads to passing cars, a secret garden and a lighthouse all with good flow within the nice rhyme. The poem read well and the concept of its telling is good. I'm left curious about the surroundings and find myself wishing that some of the images were developed rather than just mentioned. Example Why is there a lighthouse in this secret garden? I understand the metaphor and it is good- more develop would produce a more complete poem. I do not see any errors- nice job!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Champlain, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Honeysuckle is a short one stanza free-verse about "childhood." The poem captures a moment- the picking of a flower- in wonderful imagery and poetic language. Short yes- but this is a great free-verse poem. No errors- fantastic job!!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Shoanark, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
My Special Girls is an absent love poem wrapped in the love the resulting children. The poem is contained by couplets in aa rhyme. I like the approach to the write- it is very sad but also has its joys- a good and difficult trick to pull off. The poem could use some tightening- lots of unnecessary words have created long lines- shortening them would help. I don't see any errors - nice job!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Santanna92, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
A dream is described as a short poem- it is a one stanza five-line thought provoking free-verse. The poem is about waking up after a dream and looking for the dream in real life- the dream better than reality. The idea here is that if we let our dreams speak perhaps they will show us a way to improve ourselves- the dream better than life or how we are verses how we see ourselves. The poem has ok flow but the longer lines need to be tightened and that will help.
Example:
"remaining off to the side just waiting for their chance to come by" how would you feel about something like,
off to the side, waiting to come by
All of the long lines can be edited and will flow better with the first two lines. I also suggest some punctuation. This is not an easy poem to understand- help your reader with commas and periods where needed- your thoughts are too complex to let them run together. A great concept and a very good poem that will be great with an edit. Nice Job!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Shrams, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Lost mortality is short poem about a girl child and her sufferings. The poem is contained by its four quatrains of very good aabb rhyme. The poem has a cultural tone and the pain flows smoothly throughout its lines. I like the poem and I know it took courage to write and publish it- I admire that. I have some suggestion for you Shramona- take what you like and leave the rest in the review.
The piece could use some editing and punctuation- an example:
By the mortals of her own blood (I would place a comma her)
Treating viciously to that tender bud. (I would remove the word to)
And grows to suffer in anguish and pain (a period or semicolon would be nice here)
There is no one to fulfill her wishes ( a comma- semicolon or period all work here.)
There is no one to give her flavored kisses ( a period is best here)
She is left alone with her misery and unhappiness
(And) leads her life in mournfulness. (I would change (And) to (That))
Is this is what taught by our almighty? ( I would edit to say, Is this what is taught by our almighty?)
Seeing the girls suffer and boys relish?? (is not a question- I would change the ?? to !)
These are very minor and easy fixes that will improve the read of your painful but wonderful poem Shramona. Welcome to WDC, you will find many good hearts and friendships between these pages.
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Koyel, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Bubbles is a poem in the Etheree Form about "a child playing with bubbles." Etherees tend to be simplistic one thought poems centered usually on a single image. This piece does a good job with the challenges- it creates image and delivers a delightful epiphany. All of the forms requirements are perfectly executed within this nicely flowing Etheree. Very good job!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Puja, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
Shadows the cloud! is a 5-7-5 in the more modern version of Haiku that has very nice flow and tone to it. The poem creates an interesting picture in my mind- this is what I see- a setting sun (luminous star sink) and what is left of its light is shining on overhead clouds causing a cloud to shadow another cloud. The theme keeps with the tradition that haiku be written about nature, although modern American Haiku often doesn't. There is no mention of the season in which it was written as in traditional Haiku. The three lines are not separate thoughts as in traditional Haiku but flow in one image as is often seen in modern attempts. There are no errors - nice job!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello hannies_momma, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
My angel- is a poem "...dedicated to all the parents who are grieving the loss of a child from stillbirth". The poem flows painfully but wonderfully through its great flowing sestets of terrific abcbdb rhyme. The idea behind the poem is sad and the poetic words and images bring that pain to the surface. I am not one for double spaced lines- it works here to give the pain breathing room and at the same time underscore it- one technique, two accomplishment- good job. I see one small error- My angel = My Angel. Within the poem angels is correctly lower case. I don't have the heart to reduce the rate on a small title error, but it should be fixed. Good job!!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello jackmaster123, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
A fact of the heart is a poem, of mostly aabbcc rhyme contained by its three sestets, that falls into the complaint love genre. The flow is good and the rhyme simple and some short lines help to intensify the authors feeling. It looks to me like the lines are out of order in the first stanza- it's an easy fix, and I suggest doing it. I see one other little double error: like (im) your enemy = (I'm) not (i'm.) Even when using all lower case I is always in caps. The poem does not have any punctuation- it did not interfere with the read, and I feel its absence adds to the feel of the author's intent- I give the device good idea bravos. I like your poem jackmaster123 and welcome to WDC. Good job!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Sullivan, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
A Good Man Named Paul is the story of a bad man gone good contained but its seven quatrains of aabb rhyme. The story is told well, and I never would have expected a cute tone but nonetheless- here it is within the good flow and rhyme. The poem makes me smile. I see one tiny thing- and recruited- it looks like an extra space slipped in but other than that- Great job!!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Sherri G♥sSIMPLYPOSITIVE, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
FOREVER MEANT TO BE is a poem of five quatrains of nicely flowing poetic words in an aabb rhyme scheme. The poem is about eternal love and conveys the feeling of loves aspects with quivers and passion under the starlight that shines on the happy ending. There are no errors- great job!!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Sherri G♥sSIMPLYPOSITIVE, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
WOULD YOU SAY IT TOO? is a love poem contained by its four quatrains of, great flowing, love's questions that are not so much questions as they are an expression of feeling toward the one the questions are directed. It is a very clever idea that works extremely well in this piece. There are no errors- great job!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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Hello Sherri G♥sSIMPLYPOSITIVE, I'm jiimyfin and I'm here to review your work. What I see may differ from your intent, don't ever change what your vision says should remain.
GOODNIGHT, MY LOVE is a love poem contained by its three quatrains of abab rhyme. The poem conveys its love with imagery of the "goodnight" told with great flow in poetic terms of dreams, angels, soft kisses and a breathe in the ear. The feeling of love leap from this wonderful write. There are no errors- Great job!!
Please continue to write from you heart, that's our art. Thank you for letting me sneak a peek at the words you've put in ink. If a piece is modified, and I am notified, I make every effort to do a new review and adjust my rate accordingly. jimmyfin.
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