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26
26
Review of Getting nowhere  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good content with the makings of a good story and good prologue.

As with all genre of writing, your opening pragraph needs to be powerful enough to draw the readers curiosity to continue reading; fail here, and you lose your reader.

Sentences should flow smoothly and transition logically. Here we're trying to draw the reader deeper into the story, as if they're standing net to the protagonist and feeling every bit of the emotions the protagonist feels. Again, if we fail here we will lose the reader. The common thought is that the smoother the flow of the story, the more likely the reader will continue reading.

I.E.

You wrote:

"I snatched mother’s arm away from this lunatic man I used to call father. He was crazy, mental, obviously way over the limit of beer. I couldn’t get my head around it, one year ago he never even would have glanced at any type of alcoholic drink, and now, he was not satisfied unless he had a bottle of alcohol in his hand. I searched earnestly for the door, half expecting it to be a wall, as nothing was going right anymore. It was standing rugged with the paint peeling as usual, and I desperately attempted to make a lunge at it, but I was no match for this unfamiliar man."

Sounds like:

I snatched mother’s arm away from this lunatic man I used to call father.
He was crazy, mental, obviously way over the limit of beer.
I couldn’t get my head around it, one year ago he never even would have glanced at any type of alcoholic drink, and now, he was not satisfied unless he had a bottle of alcohol in his hand.
I searched earnestly for the door, half expecting it to be a wall, as nothing was going right anymore.
It was standing rugged with the paint peeling as usual, and I desperately attempted to make a lunge at it, but I was no match for this unfamiliar man.

Always try to write with your readers point of view in mind; remember that we know what we're trying to say; the reader doesn't, so we need to be sure the reader understands what we're saying. Take your first sentence as an example.

I snatched mother’s arm away from this lunatic man I used to call father SOUNDS LIKE THE MOTHERS ARM IS DETACHED FROM HER BODY.

Rather:

I snatched mother away from this lunatic man I used to call father.

Post your work using spacing and indentations to indicate paragraphs and dialogue, as some reviewers will not review work if not posted in this fashion.

Try to choose words that will embellsih the emotions that your protagonist feels, as this will help draw the reader into the story by showing them the intensity that the protagonist is feeling. (Another way of saying, "Show. not Tell.")

Good close as this draws the readers curiousity into wanting to turn the page.

Suggest reviewing your piece and rephrasing to smooth out the continuity of flow and select wording that will show emotions of protagonist.

I do believe that this piece will work well as a prologue as well as the beginnings of a first chapter. This is good as the basic test for a good prologue is if you can subsitute the prologue for the begiining of the first chapter and vice versa.

Don't depend on a spelling and grammar checker program as they tend to stifle creativity. They're okay to pick up some of those errors in spelling and grammar that we all make; but remember that it's okay to break the rules intentionally to amplify your story telling.

Good work, keep it going.


27
27
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This one got me, Bikerider...well written.
28
28
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
Definetly a strong opening that works well as a prologue ans well as an opening section of a chapter.

My only suggestion would be to expand scenes, such as, in the park to enhance the mood..i.e...."the girl crying under the shadows of a tree while the suns arrogance splashed around the shadows..that kind of stuff.

The last paragraph is great as you've begun to introduce your protagonist and lead the reader into wanting to find out more. Again, I suggest more expansion, but this whole piece works well as it is.

Good writing
29
29
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A nice beginning here as first chapter builds interest in the reader.

It's difficult as a reader to stay focused on your writing as it tends to become stilted and, sometimes, doesn't transition logically. I think this is due to our mind knowing what we want to write, but we don't translate it well into print; instead, we tend to forget that the reader doesn't know what we want to say. This is a common error amoungst writers.

Characters are fine and believable.

Dialogue matches characters, though, I would like to see more distinct dialogue for each of your main characters. (If possible)

Some areas, I suggest you "tighten up" as sentences tend to drag.

I.E.

In a few days time the answer would come, but the reasons for them being invited would remain a mystery for awhile after they all arrived.

Rather:

In a few days time the answer would come, but the reasons for being invited would remain a mystery for awhile. (This becomes a good hook clsoe.)

"She decided to call her husband about it at work. John worked for Myston brothers as a PA Picking up the telephone, she dialed the operator and asked to be put through to 82106. “ And you say we are to be the guests of Lt Colonel Barrett?” John had read of his getting awarded a British War Medal. a few years back. "

She decided to call her husband and inform him about the invitation. John worked for Myston brothers as a PA ; she dialed the operator and asked to be put through to 82106.

“ And you say we are to be the guests of Lt Colonel Barrett?” John had read of his getting awarded a British War Medal. a few years back.

Dialogue should be sperated by spacing and indentation.

I.E.
In Gravesham, Bernard was coming home for his lunch hour. Penny has prepared Chicken Kiev’s and salad. There was a envelope on the table by the telephone. He picked up the letter which had been already opened, Penny opened it since it was addressed to them both.. Lt Colonel Barrett! Why was he inviting us? Bernard's eyes grew wide as he read the invitation. Bernard hadn’t forgotten how he had lost his temper at him more than once. Still, to refuse, that would cause speculation. Bernard couldn’t have people talking, no! He had his reputation to think of. “ I see you have seen we have been invited.” said Bernard as he sat down to the table. “Yes, from Lt Col Barrett.” “ Yes, and I know what you are thinking, but we need to go.” “ After how he treated you, singled you out?” Penny looked at him in the eye. “ Yes, I know what happened during the war dear but I can’t have people talking.” “ Talk? Who would talk?” “ You would be surprised. I am sure we aren’t the only ones to be invited and those people for sure would talk.” Penny looked around. “ Alright, if it means that much we will go.” “ Right. I will phone them after lunch to confirm.”

Should be:
In Gravesham, Bernard was coming home for his lunch hour. Penny has prepared Chicken Kiev’s and salad. There was a envelope on the table by the telephone. He picked up the letter which had been already opened, Penny opened it since it was addressed to them both.. Lt Colonel Barrett! Why was he inviting us? Bernard's eyes grew wide as he read the invitation. Bernard hadn’t forgotten how he had lost his temper at him more than once. Still, to refuse, that would cause speculation. Bernard couldn’t have people talking, no! He had his reputation to think of.

“ I see you have seen we have been invited.” said Bernard as he sat down to the table.

“Yes, from Lt Col Barrett.” “ Yes, and I know what you are thinking, but we need to go.”

“ After how he treated you, singled you out?” Penny looked at him in the eye.

“ Yes, I know what happened during the war dear but I can’t have people talking.”

“ Talk? Who would talk?” “ You would be surprised. I am sure we aren’t the only ones to be invited and those people for sure would talk.”

Penny looked around. “ Alright, if it means that much we will go.”

“ Right. I will phone them after lunch (in proper upper class circles, this is refferred to as dinner.) to confirm.”

By running the dialogue together, the reader will become confused; I seperated the dialogue the way I thought it would go..

There are a number of ways this section could be presented and I see the opportunity to embellish each characters role. ONe would be to take each section where the character recieves the invitation and expand it into a chapter as a way of showing the reader why they recieved the Barrett invitation.. An example would be a chance encounter, long forgotten, either positive or negative, depending on how you're writing the story. This opens opprotunity to hint to the reader whats to come. This also gives you the opportunity to develop six chapters or more based on reciveing the invitation.

I would make two suggestions.

!. The opening paragraph should be so powerful as to intice the readers curioustiy into reading more.

2. Work on rephrasing your sentences so that they flow smoothly and transition logically ( Continue the flow of the story.) The thought here is that the reader will become comfortable with the read and be drawn into the story.


All in all, I think this has the makings of a good story.
30
30
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Nice little story and I enjoyed the read.

Good opening.

Good sentence flow and transition.

Characters good and believable.

Dialogue enhances characters personna.

Good rise of conflict and nice transition to conclusion.

Conclusion reminds me of "Breathless" with Richard Gere

Couple of hiccups that I'm sure you'll pick up on reread; nothing major and didn't affect reading. (but distracting)

A good read.
31
31
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Here again, you're telling the story and not showing it; this could be that you're writing in past tense rather than present tense. Writing inpast tense makes it difficult for the reader to get into the story in any way, shape or form.

Your dialogue is too correct for a normal person; so that normal person isn't going to identify with your charaacter...when this happens, you begin to lose your reader.

Sentence flow again suffers form an overabundance of correct grammar. It's okay to have an incomplete sentence or two as long as it adds impact to your story.

You wrote this :

John took a shower and pulled on a clean suit. He collated all of the items that Fortelli had given him and added the photo prints from Giles. He found a leather case to put them in and zipped them inside. He grabbed his wallet, keys and cigarettes and made his way down to his car.

And it sounds like this:

John took a shower and pulled on a clean suit.
He collated all of the items that Fortelli had given him and added the photo prints from Giles.
He found a leather case to put them in and zipped them inside.
He grabbed his wallet, keys and cigarettes and made his way down to his car.

John grabbed a quick shower, then jumped into a clean suit. Rushing about, he t stuffed the items Fortelli gave him in a brief case; adding the photos from Giles, just to be on the safe side. Grabbing his wallet and keys, John lit a smoke and headed to his car..

I suggest you rework each chapter individually; concentrating on writing smooth, flowing sentences that transition logically. Make sure that the chapter reads in a consistent tempo.

After you're satisfied that the chapter reads well, smooth and even. Go over it and try to remove any and all passive sentences, as they also tend to slow down the story.

When you're satisfied with the chapter; post that chapter by itself and wait for some reviews.

Just an opinion of the Green Book...they may be a little long and the reader may not want to read it and tend to skip over, or race through it..

You've got a great story going, BUT, you need to get away from proper grammar; it's stilting your creativity..

Think: How would you tell this story if you were sitting in a pub, sharing a few pints with a friend; that's the language you need to use.

Good story..
32
32
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

This is a good story in the making.

I would suggest combining the first two paragraphs into one and ending this with: ...."That was when it started..." And I'd change that to: "That's when it started..." Now you've established a hook and the reader should want to find out...what started..

Remember that whatever you write; the first paragraph needs to be powerful enough to whet the appetite of the reader to want to continue reading.

Sentence flow stilted due to unnecessary and awkward phrasing as noted above...I would suggest working on smoothing the flow of your sentences as readers tend to be drawn into the story when the read is smooth and transtitions well. Simply put: The easier the read, the more likely the reader will continue reading.
I.E.

You wrote:

The door closed and John could hear the chain latch being taken off. The door swung open and John could see Giles Franklin in full standing in the hallway of his flat. He was a tall man, quite drawn and very pale. His eyes had a feverish look about them, darting from left to right, which was amplified by his glasses.

Rather:

The door closed and John HEARD the chain latch being removed and The door swing open; John could see Giles Franklin standing in the hallway of his flat. He was a tall man, quite drawn and very pale; his eyes POSESSED A feverish look which was amplified by his glasses.




Chapter two a better read than chapter one; but still needs revamping.

Characterizations good.

Dialogue needs to differentiate characters....This builds the characters personna and helps reader identify with characters. (important)

Work on using phrasing that will enhance the readers enjoyment...you want the reader to feel what the characters are feeling and to do this you need to "show", not "tell"..

Carla could tell that there was more to this than she had been told but she was curious to know more

Carla could tell BY THE SMALL HEDGING IN HIS VOICE, that there was more to this than she'D been told, but HER INATE CURIOUS NATURE DREW HER TO WANT TO KNOW MORE...

Spelling and grammar checkers are fine but tend to stifle creativity in a writer...Characaters need to speak in normal patterns and not grammatically correct patterns..Again, readers need to identify with characters, so characters need to speak in a normal pattern.

I would suggest reposting each chapter individually rather than in a group...This makes it easier for the reviewer to concentrate on individual chapters and gives you the opportunity to absorb what the reviewer suggest and apply it to the next chapter.

Again, good story in the making...keep it going.
33
33
Review of Allegiances  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well put together short story.

Good, strong opening with a great hook that'll whet the readers appetite to continue reading.

Characterizations good.

Dialogue needs to be revisited to individualize each character. Always remember that dialogue enhances your characters personality and helps the reader identifywith characters.

Good, even tempo with smooth, flowing sentences. One suggestion here: Try to avoid writing so much in past tense, as this also slows down the read.

Good, rising conflict with a twist. (A good twist too!)

In the future; please post in the proper format as the best reviewers may not review your work because of improper formatting. I.e.

“What did you find?” Gray demanded barely forty minutes later.

“Seriously Daniel, what is going on? What’s happened to Lisa?”

“I don’t have time! Just tell me what you found!”

“Ok, ok. The only unusual thing I found was trace elements of pine needles, nothing else. What is going o…?

But Daniel left before he could finish. He knew Lisa would be kept somewhere secluded, and there were fishing cabins at a lake just outside of town, with nothing but pine trees. A quick phone call to the manager confirmed that there was only one cabin currently rented out. He knew his wife was there, and he was going to get her back.

A few hiccups that I think you'll pick up after a series of rereads. Remember that you, as the writer, know what you're saying; but the reader doesn't, so consider or take the position of the reader and be sure the reader will understand what's going on.

This sounds more like the beginnings of a novel and I think you should consider going that route.

Good story here...keep it going..
34
34
Review of Chased  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
This would make a great prologue as well as a beginnings of a first chapter.

Good even tempo and good sentence flow made for easy reading.

Good opening paragraph as it raises the reader's curiousity into reading more.

Great hook at the end

Problems: Once stated is enough for the reader.

But he knew that he was done for

he would definitely be done for

Silent < choose another word...echos

This could work into the beginnings of a novel...you might want to consider expanding this piece.

Good stuff...keep itup!
35
35
Review of Tarawa  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Good short story told in a 3rd person POV...

Good opening paragraph

Characterizations good and believable

Dialogue good but would like to see a little more "crank" from grampa to embelish his personna.

Good even tempo, story read well; smooth and easy.

I would suggest trying not to use too many adverbs (-ly) as they tend to slow the read down.

Try to use dialogue as a way of adding to character, or character identifyer. Nothing worse than all your character's sounding the same.

Love the close...leave it to the reader's imagination to bring their own conclusion.
36
36
Review of honoring the dead  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I think this could be made into an excellent short story.

Great first paragraph that'll work well as either a prologue or beginning of a first chapter...

Would like to see this expanded...

Excellent writing.
37
37
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good third person omniscient POV ala Austen or Dickens.

Some areas where you can tighten up some phrases: I.E. ...she reached her hand out and turned it..rather...she reached out and turned it.

No matter what you write, keep in mind that you need to always contain an introduction of character, conflict, resolution, and close.

Opening paragraph needs to wow readers interest into continuing reading; fail here and you lose the reader.

Oher than that I thought you did a good job here...keep it up
38
38
Review of Uncle Andy  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Yhough not into the poetry genre, I like this one..

Good llyrical sense
39
39
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well written piece in somewhat of a "Soylent Green" mentality.

My suggestion would be to repost this in the proper format as some reviewers will not review in its present format. (format as it would appear if story were published)

Good flow and tempo.

Characterizations good and dialogue fits characters.

I'm old school of avoiding adverbs (-ly) when you can and using verbs in their place as verbs help move story forward.

Storyline or subject matter probably would not inspire reader interest. (Opinion) I would suggest expanding this: "what the president and all of congress saw as an increasing problem. Too many people having too many babies...." The world starving, crop failures over a generation forcing the governments of the world to take drastic action etc....

Good writing though...keep it going
40
40
Review of Drug 'Reform'  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good, well thought out piece.

Couple of areas that reduce impact.

"...you don't get the protection you need to stop the children from being (VICTIMIZED)got at."

"...It may turn out that there really isn't any choice (AS)because we have been ..."

"...requirements and (DELETE RUTH...LY)ruthlessly punishing those..."


Excellent piece
41
41
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Other than not being posted in the proper format (as it would appear if published) and lacking a hook at the end of this section, (which could be ignored as this section may not be complete.) I can't see anything that I would suggest changing.

I love the opening as it is powerful and smacks the reader between the eyes. I can't see any reader not wanting to find out who killed her.

One suggestion, in short stories, keep your characters to a minimum.

Great writing..
42
42
Review of Title pending  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The key to a good prologue is that it entices the reader to want to read more. A teaser, if you will, hinting of what's inside. Also, if you can subsitute the prologue and the beginning of the first chapter; or vice versa, you're on the right track.

I suggest not letting the reader know too much too soon; otherwise, why continue reading, Keep the reader guessing all the time.

Show don't tell. A common statement that you'll read on the boards. Show how your character feels; saying "I had never felt so alive! Running," is telling the reader..so think of what does feeling alive really mean" Think of our senses, how we see the sky, smell the world around us, etc.

Sentence flow looks good and transitions are logical. Work a little on your tempo and try to keep it even.

Try to stay away from using asverbs (-ly) as these tend to slow down the story, whenever you can, use verbs.

Great closing hook...reader needs to turn the page to find out what happens next.

When you post; post in proper format, that is, how it would appear if the story was published. Indentations, spacing etc.

All in all, I tyhink a pretty good beginning...keep it going
43
43
Review of Shooter  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great piece...

Couple of little dings that I think you'll pick up on a reread. (a little tightening here and there-nothing major)

Great tempo.

Characterizations excellent.

Good dialogue.
44
44
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.0)
Let me begin by saying I love this piece as it does evoke an emotional response from me. That's the good part.

Suggestions:

1. When writing a short story or a novel, your first paragraph should catch the reader's interest immediately. So make sure your first paragraph is so powerful that it grabs the reader's attention.

2. Always write dialogue that moves the story, in other words, dialogue has to be meaningful. If it isn't; cut it.!

3. Whenever you can, use action or dialogue to let the reader know what's going on rather than telling them.

4. Set the mood for the story as this creates an impression on the reader and draws their emotions into the story.. (Try to scare the pants off of them *Wink*.
Think of a person's five senses and sometimes you can use weather as a scene setter. i.e. howling winds, swirling rains, thunderous rolls etc.

5. Try to stay away from adverbs(-ly) you have plenty in your story; adverbs tend to slow the piece down. When you can, use verbs in their place
as verbs move the story along.

6. If a sentence starts with THERE or IT, rephrase the sentence. (eliminate there and it)

7. Sentence flow should be smooth flowing as this tends to make it easier for the reader to fall into the story. Short staccato sentences tend
to break the reader's concentration and that makes it hard to get the reader into experiencing what your protagonist is experiencing.
I.E.
I walked over to my nightstand, and put my hand on the lamp's lightswitch. I stayed like that for awhile, still contemplating my descion. I could always
Rahter:
I walked to my nightstand and put my hand on the lamp's switch. I stayed like that for awhile contemplating my deciSIon. I could always ...

8. When posting, please post in the proper format as some reviewers will not attempt to read a piece that is not posted correctly. Proper format would
be as if the piece were published.

9. Be sure to correct spelling errors before posting. This is the best time to use a grammar checker, porbably the only time.

10. Don't rely on a grammar checker program as they tend to stifle creativity. Remember, you're trying to evoke emotions and identification from the
reader. The reader needs to identify with the character and part of that is dialogue. We don't say "will not" in conversation, we say "won't" etc.

11. Review work and remove needless words or wordiness.
I.E.
I didnt get my answes though
Rather:
I didnt get my answeRs

Hope this helps...good luck and keep on writing.
45
45
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
In writing, whether a short story or novel; one must make sure that they capture the reader's interest right in the beginning. So from the reader's standpoint, there is no BAM to peak the reader's interest or curiousity. It is important that your opening paragraph draws the reader's interest otherwise you lose the reader.

Sentence flow needs to be smooth, even tempo'd and transition logically. If your sentences bump and trip over one another, the reader isn't going to continue reading. The smoother the reader, the more likely the reader is going to continue reading and be drawn into the story.

Characterization is good and dialogue improves image of character's personna.

Try to stay away from using too many adverbs (-ly) as they tend to slow down the story; when you can, utilize verbs as they move the piece.

I.E.

I sat up in bed ENJOYING The morning sun shine GLITTER (brightly) through my window. YAWNING(Sleepily,) I grabbed my iPhone and texted "hey beautiful" to my girlfriend, Emma AND GLANCED where I kept a photo of my blonde babe only to notice that it was gone; then I remembered WHAT HAPPENED LAST night . (Here's an example of a hook...now the reader wants to continue to find out what happened last night.)

Mmy I-Phone buzzed (Slowly,) AND I DREADEDraisING the phone.........

Please post in proper format as some reviewers will not review work that is not in proper format.

I.E.

It was two o’clock in the morning when I finally got a chance to call my girlfriend. “Hey hun, sorry it’s so late. I got caught up with work.” The line was silent for a while... All I could hear was Emma’s heavy breathing.

“Hun?!,” Emma exploded. “You spend more time with your work and your app’s than you do with me!” Then the line went dead.

I guess I should have seen that coming. I did spend a lot of time at work; I designed App’s for the iPhone. I’m one of the most successful app creators ever; I felt that should be a good reason for keeping girls, not to keep losing them. I ran my fingers through my messy black hair and gowned as I stumbeled out of bed. I walked into the bathroom and saw a sticky-note that I put on the mirror.

Hope this helps
46
46
Review of Fallen Angels  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A very well written piece that could use some spice.

In all pieces, one must consider how the reader will react; so, for a positive reaction you need a strong opening that will raise the reader's interest and curiousity to continue reading. Although you've written a nice beginning, there's nothing to grab the reader's attention here. From what I've read, maybe Rhea wants to find out how and why her parents were killed or is struggling to understand the way they were killed and she has to know even if it gets her killed. If you follow that train of thought then the reader will too.

Sentence flow smooth and transitions excellent.

Good tempo.

Characterization is good; use dialogue to enhance your character's personna and make sure each character sounds a bit different and your reader can identify with the character. This helps draw the reader into the story.

Show the reader the character's emotions rather than tell them; this also helps draw reader into the story.

I.E.
You wrote:

Rhea said glaring at him and .....

Try:

Rhea's stomach turned with anger and she felt her face redden as she glared .... (Reader can identify with the emotional experience.)

Don't give away too much in the beginning; rather, keep your reader guessing by building the suspense or conflict until you get to the high point of the story then work down to the conclusion.

Use dialogue to move the story; if it doesn't move the story, eliminate it.

Post your pieces in proper format. That is as it would appear if the story was published in book form. Some reviewers will not review if not in proper format. (Especially the great reviewers on this site.)

I.E.

"Alright, do you see any signs or do you have an idea where you are at?" Alastor asked. "Yeah, I'm halfway between the cafe and my house. Can you please come get me or help me get my car running?" Rhea asked in a slightly fake sweet voice. "Give me about ten minutes." Alastor said and hung up. "Why do I feel like I just made a deal with the devil..." Rhea said to herself. Ten minutes later exactly, Alastor pulled up and parked his car behind Rhea's. "I tried to get here quicker. I didn't want you out here in the dark too long by yourself." He said smiling at her. Rhea sighed, "I'm fine Alastor. Believe it or not I can take care of myself...as long as mechanics aren't involved." Alastor began to walk around the back side of his car to grab the two big water bottles he got from Mr. Moony, once he knew who the water bottles were for. Rhea already had the hood of her car up but he could

Rather:

"Alright, do you see any signs or do you have an idea where you are at?" Alastor asked.

"Yeah, I'm halfway between the cafe and my house. Can you please come get me or help me get my car running?" Rhea asked in a slightly fake sweet voice.

"Give me about ten minutes." Alastor said and hung up.

"Why do I feel like I just made a deal with the devil..." Rhea said to herself.

Ten minutes later exactly, Alastor pulled up and parked his car behind Rhea's. "I tried to get here quicker. I didn't want you out here in the dark too long by yourself." He said smiling at her.

Rhea sighed, "I'm fine Alastor. Believe it or not I can take care of myself...as long as mechanics aren't involved."

Alastor began to walk around the back side of his car to grab the two big water bottles he got from Mr. Moony, once he knew who the water bottles were for. Rhea already had the hood of her car up but he could.....

Hope this helps.
47
47
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Interesting story with a good opening that captures the reader's interest.

Tempo is good but could be better; I would suggest working on smoothing out your sentences to increase the flow. A smooth read keeps the reader into the story and helps draw them in.

Would suggest reviewing this piece and correct your punctuation.

I.E.
After my second semester of college, I told my then boyfriend that I wasn't interested in defining or labeling our relationship. And he broke up with me.
Instead
After my second semester of college, I told my boyfriend that I wasn't interested in defining or labeling our relationship and he broke up with me.

Try to remove the adverbs (-ly) as they tend to slow down the story. (can't always do it, but try... you can adverb a reader's interest away)

I'm assuming that this isn't the end of the chapter and, if that's true, then you should try to end with a hook; as using a hook at the end of a chapter peaks the reader's interest into reading on.

Good concept...keep it going.
48
48
Review of Ordinary fear  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting beginning for a good short story.

Keep in mind that your opening paragraph needs to wow the reader enough that that the reader wants to continue reading.

Try to stay away from using adverbs (-ly) if you can as they tend to slow down the story. Verbs move the story.

Choose your wording with care as you need to try to lift the level of emotions of the reader; the more powerful the phrasing; the more "freaked out" the read becomes.

I will attach a piece of your story to an e-mail as I couldn't do the adjustments I wanted here.

Good story though...keep it up.
49
49
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Great emotional premise for a story.

I would suggest rephrasing your sentences so that they flow smoothly and assist the reader into being drawn into the story. With the short sentences here, the reader cannot be drawn in emotionally. (kinda stop an go)

I.E.

You wrote:

A boy once told me that tears fall like bright diamonds. I told that boy that tears made you weak. I still don't know if I'm right or wrong.

I wake up in a cold sweat, it plays over and over in my mind. The day my child died. "Mom, please stop crying, please," he says over and over in my mind. His face projected everywhere. Those bright green eyes staring into my foggy grey ones. His auburn hair coated in a deep scarlet. "Mom? mom? mom?" over and over

Rahter:

A boy once told me that tears fall like bright diamonds AND I told that boy that tears made you weak. TO THIS DAY I still don't know if I'm right or wrong.

I wake up in a cold sweat THAT plays over and over in my mind, OF The day my child died. "Mom, please stop crying, please," he says over and over inside me AND His face FLOATS everywhere. Those BEAUTIFUL bright green eyes TIED into my foggy grey ones AND STRAIGHT INTO MY HEART. His FLOWING auburn hair PAINTED in a deep scarlet. "Mom? mom? mom?" RINGS IN MY HEART over and over AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Characterization is good and believable.

In any piece you write; choose your words carefully as the choices you make will either convey what you're trying to evoke in the reader or just block the reader from grasping what you're trying to evoke.

I'm not a grammarian so I'll just say this; It's easy to over punctuate. ( I know, I do it all the time '*Wink* )

I would suggest doing a rewrite (I do this all the time), then posting the rewrite. Please take heart in all the reviews as they serve to see things we tend to miss. In my two plus years on the site; my writing has improved so much thanks to the excellent writers who have taken the time to review my work.

Also, please post your work in the proper format as some reviewers will not review if not posted correctly. Proper format...as it would appear as in a published book.

Again, great premise that showcases your talent...keep it up
50
50
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Shades of Anne Rice..Unfortunately, I could never get through "Interview With a Vampire".

Sentence flow irregular and lacks tempo. Tempo and smooth sentence structure helps keep the reader in the story.

POV changes throughout piece; this tends to confuse read. Try to stick to one POV and only change POV at the beginning of a new chapter. Make it easier for the reader to follow along.

Show not tell...reader cannot be drawn into the story if you tell it rather than letting them "see" it.

Please present piece in "proper" format as some reviewers will not review work (read that TOP reviewers). Proper format is as it would appear if story was published. (novel).

Stay away from adverbs (-ly) as they tend to slow down story; and use verbs whenever possible. (sometimes it not possible *Wink* )

Use dialogue to enchance character's personna. Nothing worse than everyone sounding alike...

You have a nice story going..keep it up..
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