Poetry is not my genre, but I know what I like and, sometimes, I am able to see some items that may be adjusted. Mostly it is with tempo as for me, poetry needs to be lyrical.
The last salute I ever gave,
Before they laid them in the grave
Is remembered day-by-day.
The last roll call, before Taps was played,
Was given three times, while respects were paid.
Then gunshots rang, and casings fell,
As we stood as one, and (we) said, “farewell” Can be removed and tempo stays the same.
To the men who gave their lives. You lose tempo here.
The bagpipes hummed Amazing Grace,
As tears rolled down each soldier’s face,
And two-by-two, we filed by
Each saluting our last goodbye This section fine, tempo is consistant with first section.
A salute I shall never forget Again, tempo is lost. I think the poets on the site would like to see the tempo consistent.
Thank you for serving our country; we pray for your safe return. Remember that you're following in a great tradition; a tradition set by our grandparents, uncles and fathers. When you return, please take the time to visit a VFW or American Legion and you'll find many of our brothers from other wars that will drink a toast to our brothers that didn't come home and regale in the fond memories of those brothers. Be prepared for tears to fall as only other vets will understand the bond we share.
Your beginning jumps right into the action; which is good as the reader is drawn right into the story.
Sentence flow is stilted and I suggest working on smoother sentences as this helps keep the reader involved with the story.
Tempo suffers due to faulty sentence flow.
Stay away from adverbs (-ly) and cliches.
Use verbs as they move the piece and give more impact.
If you've noticed, most sharp reparte is short. '
I.E.
"Let's go bowling." she smiled.
"i love intellectual sports." He grinned.
"Oh, honey, he really did a number on you."
"Yeah, but you shoulda seen what I did to his knuckles."
I.E.
you wrote:
I ran down the street and (quickly) turned down a (dark dingy) alley way. My heart (thumping in chest), but as I turned I( immediately) regretted the action for their staring at me with piercing orange(?) eyes was a young man. He surveyed me, his eyes (burning with pure hatred),
Instead try:
I ran down the street and turned into an alley littered with garbage whose aroma opened my sinus and teared my eyes. My heart pounded a rythm worthy of a John Phillip Sousa bass drum, but as I turned I caught piercing eyes cutting into me just before Van Gough's famous portrait became a reality.
In this piece, I think your choice of words are critical in order to carry off your protagonist's character.
As you can see I am not nor ever will be, a poet.
All I am doing here is pointing out the importance of your choice of words.
The above shows the importance of verb usage. Verbs moves action or plot which is what you want to do; keep the reader reading the story or, in this case, the poem.
Poetry is a difficult medium (which is why I stay away from it ) and I commend you for your efforts.
You've joined a great group of writers and published authors who are more than willing to offer advice to advance your skills.
You've got talent and imagination...keep on writing!
I think this is an excellent story and a great message at the ala Twilight Zone; HOWEVER.
Work on sentence flow and transitions, also, tighten up your phrasing.
I.E.
....Pretty proud of himself, as he should be, Charlie was strutting down the street and passed by a local antique store where he smelled just a hint of rose. It was at that moment he decided to purchase an old antique clock with brass bells that he saw in the window to wake him up in the morning...
Proud of himself as he should be, Charlie strutted down the street and as he passed an antique store; he noticed a faint aroma of roses that drew him into the store. (Now you have a logical transition)...
Great imagination...keep it up
Stay away from using adverbs (-ly) as they tend to slow down the flow; use verbs whenever possile.
a couple of term errors. (you used there instead of their)
Good cop-bad cop is just one the many interrogation techniques taught in all LEO training centers.
LEOS don't have many friends because we usually socialize with our own until we retire; this is because civilian friends, at one time or another, ask that you do them a favor.
Civilian compliants against offcers are usually "abuse under color of authority". One of those umbrellas that cover anything from a traffic ticket to anything else you can think of; it goes with the job, you expect it to happen during your career.
I would suggest spacing your paragraphs as some will not review if document is not in proper format.
This more of a sci-fi genre than detective; if it were to be written as a detective story with a sci-fi twist; I'd suggest not letting the reader in on what or who is doing the killing, but rather, keep them guessing until the end.
Tempo is good as it keeps reader tied into the story.
Transitions could use some tightening up to give better flow. (I think this is probably due as you're throwing so much info in such a short span...(happens alot cause we're trying to get all our thoughts in before we lose them)
Try to stay away from adverb usage (-ly) as this tends to drag the story and use verbs whenever you can as verbs usage tend to give more impact(drama, action) to the read.
A tech tip: In any violent death, the victim will lose their bodily function and discharge thier waste...this is why homicide and forensics carry a strong scent salve with them when they enter a crime scene. (they place a dab under each nostril to counteract the stench)
Good premise; you just need to decide which way you're going to go with it...good luck.
With some work, your opening can be improved to provide more impact. I say this as, with all genre, the opening paragraph needs to be powerful engough to draw the reader's curiousity into reading more. Fail here and you lose your reader.
Work on flow..sentences need to be smooth and transition logically as the smoother the read, the easier it is to draw the reader into the story.
I.E.
It was on Tuesday the fifth of March at 5:30 pm that Gary Thomson lying on a hospital bed died of blood loss. He had been found that morning on the steps of strathclyde police department unconscious. A knife had been thrust into his stomach to hold in place a note which asked the police to “refrain from sending any more under cover officers.” The last words he spoke were “Mad Hatter.”
Rather:
On Tuesday, the fifth of March, at 5:30 pm , Gary Thomson lay on a hospital bed and died of blood loss. He was found that morning on the steps of strathclyde police department. (reader will assume he's unconscious). A knife thrust into his stomach held a note informing police to “refrain from sending any more under cover officers.” The last words Gary Thompson uttered were “Mad Hatter.”
Please post your efforts in proper book form as many reviewers will NOT review works if not placed in proper form. (Proper spacing for paragraphs, dialogue, etc)
Refrain from using adverbs (-ly) and use verbs instead as this provides more impact and helps draw the reader into the story emotionally.
Always try to use dialogue to advance the story action; if it doesn't advance the story, cut it.
Stick to one POV, you began insecond person POV so let it stay in second person POV.
I.E.
This is second person POV
“…Private investigator Parker made sure nobody was at the hallway and began looking for a brown suitcase.
This is first person POV
‘Where would I hide a suitcase?’
This is second person POV
he thought, looking around.
This is first person POV
‘Under the bed!’ I looked, but it wasn’t there. Maybe in the wardrobe? It wasn’t there among the shorts and coats.
This is second person POV
And then Parker, whose eyes were already used to the dark, noticed signs of cracks in the wood of the wardrobe. He felt the piece of wood and carefully removed it. ‘Aha, got ya!’ he thought. He opened the suitcase. The stolen cash was inside – one million dollars.
This is first person POV
Time to get out of here before Johnny returns.
This is second person POV
He took the suitcase and listened. He thought he’d just heard distant footsteps. He stood by the wall waiting. A moment later the footsteps stopped outside the closed door. Parker put his hand on the hilt of his 22 caliber, which he held in his leather belt. ‘C’mon, Johnny. I’m waiting,’ he thought.
Sticking to one POV lessens the confusion for the reader.
Assuming that you're going to maintain the first person POV or telling the story; you're going to have to work in making the story interesting to the reader; otherwise the story will turn into a very dry read.
I suggest giving the reader a basis on which the reader may want to select reading your work. Is this a fictional story based on actual events? Then lead the reader in that direction ala "Dragnet", "the names were changed to protect the innocent."
I would suggest tightening up some of your writing and work on more fluidity. The smoother or easier the read, the more likely the reader will stay with the story.
I.E.
We were working the military connection and we noticed that the age range was beyond the ‘active duty’ span; so we decided to look at the military retirement centers. Hammer was more computer savvy than Lurch and I, so she took the first crack at it and got about twenty-one hits in just as many states; which didn't brighten our day. So Lurch and I started checking out this list while Trish kept working different angles on the retirement centers. About twenty minutes later, we realized that there were only two centers left in operation, one in Washington D.C. and the other in Ohio.
Things started to look better or so we wanted to believe; with only two places to look for one or more perps with no consistent description; we decided to split up. Hammer and I would cover the D.C. Veterans Home and Lurch would check out the one in Ohio.
With first person POV, your wording is critical as this is your only means of involving the reader. You definitely don't want to "talk down" to your reader.
Take the mindset of a couple of guys sitting in a bar spiltting a few beers and one is telling this story to the other; how would they talk?
Remember, the reader needs to identify with characters otherwise you lose them.
“LaShawn Johnson no billed by Grand Jury but meets ‘Grim Reaper’ at McDonald’s”, for the fourth time in two years LaShawn Johnson has been brought before the Grand Jury on Charges of trafficking and child prostitution and been no billed. YESTERDAY he was tried, convicted and executed by a person WITNESSES described as ‘an old, bald man with a cane.’ ACCORDING TO WITNESSES the cane was actually a shotgun.
LeShawn Johnson, his wife and two children HAD BEEN SEATED at a table in McDonald’s when AN old gentleman approached. The ALLEDGED PERPETRATOR appeared to be in his late 60’s and asked MR. JOHNSON (Or you can use victim in place of Mr Johnson anywhere in this section) FOR ASSISTANCE. WITNESSES SAY MR. JOHNSON stood AND the PERPETRATOR turned to his right, then back, PLACING THE CANE underMR. JOHNSON’s chin. THEN FIRING ONE SHOT KILLING THE VICTIM INSTANTLY. THE PERPETRATOR fired one more shot into the ceiling BEFORE walkING out the door. WITNESSES SAY THAT blood and PIECES OF WHAT WAS LEFT OF MR. JOHNSON brains WERE FOUND SCATTERED over HIS FAMILY, VARIOUS WITNESSES AND the McDonald’s ceiling. POLICE ARE INVESTIGATING.
Newspaper reports could be used as prologue.
The boarding announcement should be expanded...I.E. a gentleman with a cane struggled to his feet and tottered towards the loading gate...etc etc. This ties in the newspaper reports.
Suggest changing the description (female, male, young, old etc) of your antagonist to keep reader's guessing. It's never good to give them too much..let them keep guessing until the end.
Try to show and not tell the story as showing allows the reader to become emotionally involved in the story.
I.E.
You wrote:
...I stacked these printouts on top of the eighteen others reporting similar killings in major cities all over the states. I’m Lt. Harry T. Hedge, a Gold Shield Detective with the Wharton, New Jersey Police Department and LaShawn Johnson’s shooting is the third of this type to occur in my jurisdiction. Needless to say we have no leads in any of these shootings and my superiors are not elated
Instead:
...Lt. Harry T. Hedge tossed another large pile of printouts on top of similar reports of killings across the states then plopped down; an exhaustive breath escaped his lip as he at the growing pile. The Johnson killing was the third in the local area and Hedge knew he was stuck at square one. He studied the pile then rose; he hated going into the watch commander's office, hated it because he didn't have a clue.
Tech info:
Gold shields differentiate detectives from uniforms in major law enforcement agencies, uniforms wear a silver shield.
Try to use more impact words (stay away from adverbs (-ly) and use verbs whenever possible) to get the reader into the story; by carefully choosing your wording, you'll draw the reader in.
Plenty of material here to expand each chapter and always remember to close with a hook.
IMPORTANT: KEEP THE READER GUESSING, IT'S A MYSTERY.
Excellent piece with no flaws that I can see......(well one, I didn't write it ...)
Great opening that immediately captures the reader's interest and a fantastic close..Doesn't get any better than this. You left it to the reader to imagine what happened....GREAT!
I have a few suggestions that are more of the basic writing kind, so I hope I don't offend you.
Suggestions:
In all works, whether a short story or novel, it is best to write a strong opening paragraph that will immeditately capture the reader's interest and curiousity. If you don't, the reader will not consider reading on. Use a hook to raise the reader's curiosity to continue reading..best example is R L Stine of Goosebumps fame (preteen books).
Try to develop a smooth flow of sentences and transitions that are logical as this draws the reader deeper into the story. So call this tempo; if the tempo is consistent, then the reader will continue reading. Long, fluid sentences work better than short, staccato sentences, but if you choose to use short sentences, then be consistent.
I.E.
You wrote:
The morning light flowed over the desert pan. Snakes drag themselves out onto branches of petrified trees, to warm their cold-bloodied bodies. Their tongues flick the air sensing the odor of the body lying prone on the sands. A breeze disturbs the shock of black hair upon the body. A finger trembles, a small spasm followed by a wracking cough. Pushing himself upright, Matt Stines empties the contents of his stomach onto the dried earth. Quivering with the exertion, Matt rolls onto his back and looks to the cloudless sky.
Try:
The crystal dawn broke over the arid desert pan as snakes slithered onto petrified tree branches seeking to capture the warmth of first light. Curling snakes rose as their heads slowly panned their surroundings as flickering tongues sensed the strong oder of the prone figure. A swirling breeze tousled a shock of black hair as life stirred within the lone figure spasming from a horrid, wracking cough; Matt struggled to his knees before being brought down again after retching.uncontrolably onto the sandy soil... ........Quivering with the exertion, Matt rolls onto his back and looks to the cloudless sky. One thought crossed his mind; how'd I get here? (hook)
Show, not tell, the story; this draws the reader into the story emotionally as if the reader is there experiencing what the character is experiencing.
Carefully chose words that will expand the reader's interest.
If dialogue doesn't advance the story; be hard and cut it out.
Try not to jump around too much as this tends to confuse the reader. There's enough info here where it can be fleshed out quite a bit.
Important point... when writing a mystery...Don't give out too much too soon...let the reader keep guessing..
I like this beginning so much so that I will only suggest one change.
Eliminate the first two paragraphs and use the third one as the opening paragraph as it is both powerful and ends with an excellent hook.
Try not to depend on any grammer checker programs as they tend to stilt creativity. More often than not we say won't, don't etc and NOT will not do not etc. Your characters needs to speak in a dialogue that the reader can identify with; so use dialogue to enhance the characterization and move the story.
As I like to say; "I'd rather be Hemingway than grammatically correct."
A good beginning to what looks like a very interesting story concept.
Sentence flow and transitions are smooth and will keep the reader interest.
Characters seem believable but require dialogue that will differentiate characters.
Opening pretty good, however, I would suggest combining the first three paragraphs into one and choose stronger impact words that will create a more powerful intro, thereby drawing the reader into the story.
I would suggest closing this section with a more powerful hook to keep the reader's interest and curiousity up. My favorite is R L Stine of Goosebumps fame (preteen books); an excellent user of hooks at the end of every chapter and is a great expample of a writer using hooks.
Try to show and not tell the story as this helps draw the reader into the story emotionally. ( the goal of every writer.)
I.E. ....the sheriff was a big man, dressed in a brown sheriffs uniform, pretty standard, he had neatly combed brown hair. His assistant, was a short weedy man with black curly hair, looked more like a file clerk than anything.
..........The sheriff was a RATHER LARGE man WITH HEAVY JOWLS AND TOO MANY DONUTS, HE dressed in a STANDARD ISSUE DARK brown SHIRT AND TAN PANTS WITH DARK BROWN STRIPING, HIS SAM BROWN (stand issue police belt that holds all the equiptment) HUNG BELOW AND UNDER HIS WIDE GIRTH BUT he had neatly combed brown hair. His assistant WORE A CARBON COPY UNIFORM BUT, was a short weedy man with STRINGY black curly hair AND looked more like a file clerk than A LEO.
Don't give away too much and try to keep the reader guessing, what, who etc..
Some tech info:
Law enforcement officers are commonly called LEOS.
Officers in uniform are usually just called "uniforms".
We never refer to our weapon as a "gun"
Most common weapons used in law inforcement are the Beretta or Glock in 9mm.
Your plot concept is very good and interesting...keep it going!
Opening paragraph very weak. Here, as in any genre, you need to have a powerful opening that will grab the reader's interest immediately otherwise the reader will simply turn away.
In short story writing, the action needs to start almost at the beginning. Your characters need to be kept to the minimum. Some people think of short story writing as if they are writing a three part play; that is 1. Intro 2. action 3. conclusion.
Use dialogue to promote the action; if the dialogue doesn't move the story; don't use it! (It's a mistake I do alot!) This is especially important in short story writing.
Choose wording carefully and use words that will emote reactions from the reader.
Plenty of opportunity to expand this into a novel if you chose to do so.
If you chose to listen to anything I've stated, the most important would be the opening paragraph, and I think all the reviewers would agree on that point.
Strong opening that makes reader want to continue.
Characterizaion is good.
Dialogue needs to match up with character. (Need to use words that evoke his bitter disillusionment)
Sentence structure a bit uneven and needs to be consistent. In this piece, I think you could attempt to use long, smooth, flowing sentences in one act and short, stacco, sentences in another act, but they need to be consistent within the act... (Don't know if this would work as doing this might break the reader's emotional involvement with the character.) Again, select stronger words that evoke the passion of the character to keep the reader emotionally involved.
I.E.
There'S always a heaviness AT a crime scene; AS IF A SHROUD OF STANK DEATH IS SUCKING YOUR COMPASSION FROM YOUR SOUL. It's an oppressive BURDEN that makes you feel like you'RE DRAGGING THROUGH HEAVY SLUDGE THAT'S SUCKING YOU UNDER and BEING trapped by the negative energy that has no place to go. As if you are BLIND AND STUMBLING around a room, DESPERATELY SEARCHING for something you CAN never find, but you know is there. What I FOUND today was a woman hanging from the ceiling fan. I think she was looking for something too
I like the close as it leaves the reader wondering.
A very good short piece ala Ms Marple; Murder She wrote, et al.
Good even tempo throughout the story.
Characterizations believable
Dialogue good and matches characters
Conclusion excellent; again ala previously mentioned.
Suggestions:
Consider revising opening paragraph(s) (first three). Very weak and do not draw reader's interest. In short story writing, the writer must try to capture the reader's interest immediately and that requires a powerful opening that grabs the reader interest/curiosity into reading on.
The best part was the tempo...quick and sharp..very even, with some work this can be worked into a "film noir" genre type story.
Weakest part I see here is the opening paragraph. As always the first thing to remember is the opening paragraph must be strong to draw the reader's interest into continuing reading.
Consider using more emotion evoking words to let the reader feel what the detective feels. ( This is the key to keeping the reader interested)
I.E.
For the past year I had been searching for this man, this killer, following the evidence, the dead-end clues, but this time we had a lead. he had been positively identified and we were on our way to him. He was on another hunt; that was how he worked. He picked his taget, followed them, learned their habits, soemtimes even interacting with them in minor ways, and then he'd strike without warning. All his victims were between the ages of twenty and forty, all blonde, all troubled in some way, or living on the darker side of life.
For the past year I'VE been searching for this CREEP, this LOW LIFE killer: I'D followED PILES OF evidence,AND CLUES THAT dead-endED LIKE A DOOR SLAMMING IN YOUR FACE.but this time we had a HOT lead. he'D been positively ID'D AT A SLUMDUMP BAR NOBODY CLEAN WOULD DIE IN. He was on another hunt; that was how he worked. He picked his taRget, STALK them, learned their habits, soMEtimes even interactEDwith them in minor ways, and then he'd strike without warning. All his victims were between the ages of twenty and forty, all BOTTLE blondeS WITH THE KIND OF TROUBLES NOBODY WANTS AND living on the dark side of life.
Though I prefer longer, more fluid sentences, I think for this piece the short sentences work well but remember to be consistent with this structure.
Always review your work before posting as some reviewers will not review piece that contain spelling faux pas et al.
I think your closing here needs to be stronger to draw the reader into wondering what's going to happen next.
My thought would be; were the muggers a seperate incident at an untimely moment or were these perps working in colusion with the serial killer?
Best suggestion here is to keep the tempo and be more careful on your choice of words; choice words that will provoke emotions in your reader.
Poetry is not my genre, so I'll just say that, for me, I would like to see more tempo throughout the piece..It just seems to me that if you're going to rythme words that it should include tempo.
Let me preface this by saying poetry is not my genre. Saying this, I do like this piece.
I see a difference in tempo from here:
My life is haunted by ghosts and their songs
to here to the end:
Lost in the darkness
Not sure if this is good or bad.. I know that I quickly fell into the tempo of the piece until "Lost in darkness" where it changes then towards the end the orginal tempo is given in two places.
First off, I would appreciate if you could put up a short bio of yourself so reviewers can better gauge the writer they are reviewing. I Thank you in advance.
I can see that you posess good writing skills; so the rest should be easy.
The basics:
Always open with a strong opening paragraph as here is where you grab your reader's interest. As always, if you fail here, you lose the reader.
Work to draw the reader's interest in continuing reading by utilizing a hook; that is a sentence or sentences that increases the reader's curiosity to continue.
I.E.
As the sunlight slowly but surely illuminated the once darkened tomb in which she sat her mind came into focus and she forced herself to wake up and take in her surroundings. ( It was then that the creaking sounds of a door opening and drew a figure that loomed over her. Recognition in the dim light from the open doorway brought heightened fear coursing through her and she screamed.)
Now the reader's wants to read further to find out who that person is..etc
Draw your reader into the story by letting them experience what your character is experiencing.
I.E.
It was dark and she could feel the damp underneath her feet.
The darkness hung like a heavy, wet shroud over her as driblets of moisture rolled down her legs and puddled beneath her feet.
Don't be afraid to let your imagination loose; remember, you can always edit during self reviewing.
Suggestions:
I would break this into two chapters. Flesh out chapter one and paint it with lots of imagery of the surroundings to intensify the reader's experience; then close it with a hook so the reader is drawn into reading more..
Flesh out chapter two more on the detective's life and then close with a hook that ties him into the case.
Don't give away too much in the beginning as you always want your reader guessing, therefore, continuing reading. (especially true in this genre.)
Stay away from cliche phrasing when you can and rephrase those areas.
Conclusions:
Chapter one works equally well as a prologue as well as the beginning of a story. This is always a good test.
You have a good foundations for an excellent story; keep it going.
Good sentence structure that flows well and logically.
Characterization is good.
Weaknesses:
Opening paragraph needs to be strong to draw the reader's interest in continuing reading; fail here and you lose your reader.
When writing short stories, you should always follow the basic format for short stories until you've mastered the basics; then you can break away from convention.
General basics of short story writing:
Good opening paragraph that still could be stronger, but this works.
I would like to see a hook at the end that would drive the reader into wanting to read more.
Couple of techie things here:
1. Today's technology has developed shoulder harnesses and holsters that are so well designed that ever catching the hammer, much less the trigger, wouldn't happen. Remember there is a trigger guard on all weapons.
2. Don't forget his back up weapon; standard requirement, even for us plain old cops.
Last line:....His attacker slumped backwards as his body went rigid......Suggest revising.
It's very difficult to review someone's work when the writer hasn't put up a bio; so would you please give us a brief bio so reviewers can gauge your work.
briefly, all stories should begin with a strong opening paragraph. That is, one that will grab the reader's interest so much so that they want to continue reading.
Sentences should be fluid and transition logically as here is where you work on drawing the reader into the story. Your goal should be to bring the reader into the story emotionally and make the reader feel as if they are experiencing what the protagonist is experiencing.
I.E. you wrote:
I wandered through the plaza, looking at the people eating food. Lucky them, I thought. They're eating like kings and they chew like there's no tomorrow. My mouth wants to bite into a chip. My stomach growled. An old woman looks at me with a sad look. She gave me her cup of tea and the rest of her tuna sandwich. I said, "God bless you."
Rather try to get reader to feel and visualize what is going on..
I wandered through the crowded plaza watching people eating. Lucky them, I thought, as they ate like kings and chewed as if there was no tomorrow. My mouth watered at the thought of biting into a salty chip and I wiiped it, not wanting people to see the dribble....
Guide your reader into the next paragraph and not jump into another scene..... "My stomach growled, causing me to bend over to fight the pain of hunger and I left the plaza and it's warm aroma of foods I couldn't touch. I worked my way past the growing crowds and headed towards the outskirts of town." ....Now the reader is following the character ...
Remember not to give the whole story away in the beginning, you want to keep that reader guessing what's going to happen next...
Good idea in the works. Keep it up.
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) and I commend you for your efforts.