Would like to see the opening fleshed out and with more of a bang to capture the reader's interest in reading on. The opening works well as either a prologue or the beginning of the first chapter. Try to work a hook in at the end of the opening paragraph to help pull reader into reading on.
I would suggest the second stanza as the beginning of a seperate chapter so you don't confuse reader with the POV.
Work your dialogue to give your characters more personality.
Well written with a good POV.
Rethink your opening paragraph as here is where you need to catch the reader's interest. Think what is the purpose of her being at the farm? How do you lead your reader's into the next paragraph? Why should your reader continue reading? Is the opening paragraph interesting enough to make a reader want to read more?
Think "what's behind that closed door that's making all those sounds"...always make your reader want to turn the page.. R L Stine Gossbump stories are a great example of "hooking". That is, getting the reader to turn the page.
Don't include anything that isn't germaine to your story or helps tell the story line.
Tighten up your sentences. Try to smooth them out so they read well and transition logically. (You're showing a tendency to jump.)
A few errors that I'm sure you'll pick up on rereads..(sometimes it takes quite a few rereads before you catch them.)
Good close thatcould be better.
Opening paragraph needs to be strong as this is where you catch the reader's interest; fail here and chances are the reader won't continue reading. Include a "hook" at the end of the opening paragraph to get the reader wanting to read on..
POV okay but hard to draw reader into the story, you might want to rethink POV. (Just an opinion.)
Tech errors:
A hit man wouldn't use a .45 revolver, (can't put a silencer on a revolver.) rather a .22 or .38 auto with a silencer.
No need for a flashlight, he's wearing night vision goggles.
Caddy STS is not a nondescript vehicle, he would use something that would be hard to describe if there are any witnesses.
I think you have the basic premise of the foundation of a short story. Now my question...and please don't be offended.. "Is english a second language for you?"
I ask this because your sentence structure seems to indicate that it is.
I.E. You wrote:
A windy day makes everything look dull and dry especially on a certain school on the north of Sheffield. Gray paints and dull faces makes the image more unpleasant benumbed. But above all the incoming students walking towards a big gray building with white window panes, a shining golden hair is very noticeable. She walks gracefully and her body was slender, she was different of all. She was the only rose walking to a very thorny garden where black roses can be found.
Rather:
A windy day makes everything look dull and dry especially on (FOR) a certain school on the north of Sheffield. Gray paints dull faces (AND) makes the image more unpleasant(LY) benumb(ING). But above all the incoming students walking towards a big gray building with (GLISTENING) window panes, shining golden hair is very noticeable AND BENEATH THESE FLOWING TRESSES WALKED A GRACEFUL AND SLEDER BODY) . She was the only rose (SWAYING IN A SEA OF) a very thorny garden where ONLY) black roses can be found.
Please edit your bio so reviewers can better be able to assist you.
Other than what I have stated above, I think this a very well thought out piece. Keep it up.
Okay, the hardest part of this POV is trying to avoid the word "I" and thinking of phrasing that reflects the POV. Don't get me wrong; the writing is good...however... this prologue is dry... Think of it this way... does this capture the reader's interest? Will the reader want to turn to chapter one and read on?
Your porlogue should work as well as the beginning of chapter one and chapter one's beginning should work as well as a prologue... in each instance it is very important to immediately capture your reader's interest so much so that the reader feels that they are experiencing the same feelings as your protagonist (the goal of every writer). Sometimes we use background to enhance the mood and most times it's the choice of words or wording..
Always try to close with a hook as you did in chapter nine..This makes the reader want to turn the page.
This reads very well...guess I'll have to read the first few chapters leading to this one....
Love the hook at the end...great!
My only suggestions:
I,I,I,I,I,I,I,etc etc...Waaaay too many...rephrase where you can.
Dialogue should match your characters
If Gordon goes through the shadow's jacket; shouldn't he replace it and it's contents the way he found them, otherwise the shadow would know someone had moved and or gone through his jacket and he would realize that the only person would be that person who he is following, and therefore, come to the conclusion that his cover is blown...
Good idea here and some good writing. There is, ofcourse, always the HOWEVER...so here we go.
Your first paragraph is the most important paragraph in your story as here is where you need to grab your reader and bring them into the story. Always try to end your first paragraph with a hook...thatis, a phrase or end sentences that makes them want to continue reading. (peaks thier curiousity)
Chose your words carefully
I.E.
Yvonne was making breakfast when she heard a frenzied knocking at her door.
She walked(HURRIED, RUSHED fits more with frenzied) to the door, speculating over who it could be. When she opened the door, she was greeted with a wail of despair.
“Sara! What happened?” Yvonne asked,< not needed, we know who is answering the door.... her eyes widen(ed)ing in concern. (as)Her best friend (stood before her with hands ) was covering her face, shoulders shaking (with each) as sobs escaped from between her fingers.
“J-Jon Whilton d-died six d-days a-ago,” Sara (choked between sobs)replied, looking up at bewildered Yvonne with red and swollen teary eyes. “H-help m-me solve t-the m-mystery!” (doesn't sound right-suggest rephrase)
“(Jon Whiton, the famous actor)You mean the famous movie star you’re crazy about?” Yvonne (hand flew up to her mouth)asked, flabbergasted.
Sara passed Yvonne a newspaper and sniveled miserably. “Y-yes. M-most p-people suspect t-that K-Kathy Serene or R-Ray Whilton m-murdered him.”<rephrase this.
Actor Jon Whilton was (found dead in his home)announced to have died yesterday morning. His company, Whilton Works, is (is already working on a film)filming a movie about his last days, leading up to his death.
Whilton died in his home in Hollywood yesterday morning.<delete No details h(have been disclosed and there is speculation of foul play but dectectives are being closed mouth at this time)are disclosed, (The manison located in the Hollywood Hills is being treated as a crime scene and is off limits to the public) and the public is prevented from entering the mansion, but most detectives hint at the possibility of foul play.
Characterizations are good. Make sure your dialog mataches your characters and try not to make each sound the same.
A job is no joke for me, because a death is no joke to the victim’s loved-ones. <I would rephrase this for more impact to the reader.
I drag on my white button up dress shirt, hastily pull on my jet black dress pants and pry on my cool black overcoat with my top hat and mask to finish it off. I’m ready. < No need to say button up with dress shirt. Jet black and cool doesn't seem to fit; again probably need to rephrase for more impact and maybe include a more descriptive mask since the vigilante is well known in the story.
Six years old would put the child in either kindergarten or first grade which would mean that the child is just learning to read and write... barely; so I would suggest changing the age of the child. (Easier than re-writing the journal portion.)
In all short story writing, the opening paragraph is the most important portion of the story as here is where you hook your reader...Think about your title Revelation and your protagonist... "and he rode a white horse and his name was death..." Will your reader catch this? Maybe. Or do you have to tell them. Just something to think about. Again who is the vigilante? Why would this woman, in the dead of night, open her back door to a man wearing a mask? Could a newspaper lead in article claim something like .."masked vigilante strikes again..." blah! blah! blah!....."If the police fail, will the vigilante right the wrong?"etc, etc.
I love the close.. "It was necessary." BAM! That is great!
You have the makings of a good prologue..the best prologues can also be subsituted for the beginnings of the first chapter...usually used as a test.
Would suggest reworking the opening paragraph so that you draw the reader into the story as if the reader is experiencing what your protagonist is going through.
Try working the first sentence. It was dark outside... there's more to say with this as with the rest of your work... The blackness of the night hung over the figure as he worked his way through the maze of hedges...etc etc etc..
It appears that you have a lot of ideas running through your mind and tried to put it down as it came to you...step back and re read it; I'm sure you'll see where a reader will get lost...
Actually this isn't too bad; some rephrasing and some fleshing out, this could make a pretty good short story with a message.
Would like to see yu put up a bio so reviewers can better gauge your work.
I understand that thiswas a class assignment so I accept the brevity.
I would suggest developing a more morbid scene with descriptions of the room your character is sitting in..this would bring the reader to feel the darkness of the mood you're painting. If you expand this story I would suggest staying in the first person singular POV.
I would ask that you expand your bio as the information would assist a reviewer in analyzing your work.
In using the first person POV, you need to limit your use of "I" whenever you can.
I.E.
You wrote:
I hopped over the ditch and ran along the building's wall. I slowly leveled myself and crept along the wall. I stopped and peeked over the corner. There were two guards. I smirked. I could take them. Easy....
I slid out one of my swords and backed away from the wall. I jumped up on the slanted roof and climbed silently up. The rough roof worked well so I didn't fall off. I sped up and stood over the two guards. One was sleep-standing
and the other was glancing nervously around. I think I made a noise on the tiled roof.
Reads like:
I hopped over the ditch and ran along the building's wall.
I slowly leveled myself and crept along the wall. I stopped and peeked over the corner. There were two guards. I smirked.
I could take them. Easy......
I slid out one of my swords and backed away from the wall.
I jumped up on the slanted roof and climbed silently up. The rough roof worked well so I didn't fall off.
I sped up and stood over the two guards. One was sleep-standing and the other was glancing nervously around.
I think I made a noise on the tiled roof.
Try something like:
I hopped over the ditch and crept along the building's wall; peeking around the corner I noticed two guards. This would be easy I smirked.
Sliding out one of my swords and backing away from the wall, I jumped up on the slanted roof and climbed silently up. The rough roof worked well so I sped up and stood above the two guards. One was sleep-standing and the other was glancing nervously around; this one would have to go first.
Try to make your sentences flow as smoothly as you can and bring your reader into the story as if the reader was following the character.
Your characterizations depend on physical description as well as dialogue. Be sure that the dialogue fits each character and try not to make them sound alike.
Set the mood of the scene with careful choice of words, remember the reader does not see what you see. This will help bring the reader into the story emotionally.
Research proper names for uniforms and equipment as this will help the reader identfy.
Works well as a short story or as a chapter in a book.
Sentences work well though I suggest working on developing a better flow with them.
It's okay to say "won't" as opposed to "will not".. remember to write dialogue as you think your character would speak and not tie yourself down to being grammatically correct.
I noticed some area of confusion that I think you'll pick up on re read.
Work on developing a hook, that is a way of ending your story or chapter or prologue with a sentence or two that makes the reader want to turn the page.
I like this prologue and would only suggest re-writing the first two paragrahs to that they flow better. Other than that, the prologue works well.
Character development looks good and language compliments the characters.
Great hook at the end that is sure to want the reader to continue reading.
Well, you have an idea that is centered around a love triangle; this is always a good way to start a murder mystery. Now when you tell this story, you need to bring the reader into the story as if they are actually experiencing what is happening.
Try something like this:
At Rose's was the town's most popular restaurant and on any given day you'd find a line of people waiting for a chance to get a table, and, hopefully, be served by Mr. Chance, the best server any restaurant ever had. But there was a problem, for you see, Mr. Chance was hopelessly in love with Ms. Anders, a beuatifully young woman who came in every Thursday at four thirty on the dot and always sat in booth number seven. Booth number seven was a corner window seat and Ms. Anders always choose to face the restaurant floor so she could watch people come and go; but in reality, she only wanted to watch Mr. Chance. This was not the only problem, Mrs Newton, the restaurant's resident singer, and not a very good one, was in love with Mr. Chance. Mrs. Newton had once been a very attractive lady with a stunning figure capped off with rather large and full breasts; but time had taken it's toll and she missed having a man.
When you write...write as if you're sitting in the restaurant every night and watching these three people, how they act towards each other...
This would be easier if you put up a bio, s the bio gives the reviewer some insight on the writer.
There is a basic premise for writers that states that the first paragraph of a story is the most important part. The opening is where the writer grabs the reader and draws them into the story. The goal of every writer is to make the reader feel as if they are in the story and experiencing what the protagonist experiences.
You wrote:
As she lay awake, minutes from sleep, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was changing... she was changing.
Sounds like:
As she lay awake
minutes from sleep
she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was changing... she was changing.
Sentences need to flow smoothly and transition logically; that is, flow so that the reader is drawn into the state Mia is feeling and continue on, keeping the reader's interest.
As she lay awake... Can the reader feel or identify with this?....no. Do something like: How many times have I been here before? Laying here and staring at the ceiling wanting to sleep but my mind keeps running on and on. I can feel the aches in my body yelling at me to fall asleep, yet I can't...
Can the reader identify with this?...yes
The first paragraph has a lot of info and you should use your ability to write and expand this info..build on it and draw your reader into what Mia sees and feels. Fail to draw your reader's interest and you lose the reader, so don't be afraid to write.
Your opening paragraph needs a "hook", that is something that makes the reader want to continue reading...I.e., .... I turned, but it was too late, that's when the lights went out..
also try to use a hook at the end of every chapter...doesn't always happen., but try when you can.
Work on fluid sentences that transition well... this helps in drawing the reader into the story emotionally.
Forgive me as I haven't done a review in quite a while..
Opening paragraph is the hook that draws the reader into continuing reading your story. Failing to draw the interest of the reader here and you lose them; so your opening paragraph needs to be strong.
You wrote:
"Spooky, creepy, frightening are just some words to describe what I saw there, in that unknown town, far away from the principal road I was following to visit some historical places last summer."
Rather:
I heard a knocking sound coming from the engine compartment and knew I was in trouble. I pulled over to the side of the road and hoped another car would pass this way but knew this road was rarely used if at all. I noticed a small town, rather a village farther down the road. From where I stood I could see no activity coming from the cluster of small houses that surrounded a rather imposing behemoth of a home... more like a mansion or castle whose shadows cast a gloom of darkness over the smaller dwellings. Checking my road map; I couldn't find any idicators or any towns along this road. Knowing I was stranded, I decided to walk to the village and find some help. That was my first mistake.
This becomes a stronger paragraph and ends with a hook.. now your reader is curious as to why it's his first mistake and, hopefully, will read on.
When you're trying to draw your reader into the scene; paint the picture of dread rather than use words like creepy, spooky and frigntening...make your reader feel scared. i.e. As I entered the town, I noticed the dust and cobwebs covering doorwyas and windows as if no one had resided in this town for years, I glanced up at the imposing structure and thought I saw someone standing at a second floor window but when I looked up again, I saw the solitary light go out or was it ever on? A cold chill scurried up my spine and the hairs on the back of my neck stood. I shivered uncontrolably and quickly began looking for a garage or gas station. A movement caught in the corner of my eye caused me to turn but nothing was there, I continued on and felt myself trying to walk a softly as I could yet hoping someone would appear yet afraid that someone or something would.
Sentences flow and transition well.
All in all I would suggest you work on drawing the reader into the story; that is, make them feel what your protagonist is feeling... this is the key of keeping your reader.
What can I say, great story that should be a Twilight Zone episode.
Well written and great character..had this reader on the edge...
Ran across a faux pas...no biggie....A year in the ground had given her a voice deeper >>then<< a man’s, and dirt foamed along her bare gums as she talked, dribbling down what remained of her chin. “But, don’t worry...”
Interesting story, though, I think you were in a rush to write it, and didn't take the time to flesh out some areas.
Sentence flow tends to support my first statement. Would suggest trying to string your sentences to flow smoothly and logically.
The goal of every writer is to bring the reader into the story emotionally; that is, get the reader to feel what the protagonist is feeling. Fail here and you lose the reader...
This is a ghost story...where's the tingling chill running up the readers' spine?
You wrote: She jumped when she heard something in the kitchen knock over.
Rather: She jumped when she heard a loud bang of something falling over; but it was the screeching wail of Puffy that made the hairs on the nape of her neck stand up and a sudden uncontrolable tremor of chills coarse through her.
Difficult to review a piece when the writer hasn't put up a bio.
A short story has a begiinning, a middle, and an ending. Here we have one "sort of" paragraph and a story told in a series of unconnected sentences.
A writers' goal is to bring the reader into the story emotionally, that is, get the reader to experience emotionally (love, hate, fear, suspense etc) what the protagonist is experiencing. The best way to acheive this is by writing smooth, fluid sentences that, when strung together, flow so well that the reader is drawn into the story...I.E. A good ghost story sends chills up your spine and a good love story brings you to tears of joy.
Suggestions:
Stay away from cliches; ... lit up a room , ...life of the party, etc
A short story can be as long as you wnat it to be, don't be afraid to write...
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