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603 Public Reviews Given
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101
101
Review of Life - Draft  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.0)
Not a bad beginning, but not enough written to give plausible scenarios.

Suggest rewriting the openng and combine the two paragraphs as your hook is in the second paragraph.

Through a small gap where the two curtains lean on the sofa allowing rays of light to fill the room; the man’s eyes lay fixated on the harsh surface of the gravel outside. >>>The vibrant green leaves against the rich dark soil sets the scene <<<<(flesh this out and combine with the following)>>>Tiny flower buds begin to peer out into their new world and just by watching the surroundings the aroma of spring fills his nostrils.<<< This will create a more fluid sentence structure.

The goal of every writer is to get the reader to feel or experience what the character is going through. So, don't tell the reader, make the reader experience it.

He sits there not allowing thought to contend. He lay still allowing for the feel of his blood pumping through each and every part of his body. His nostrils widen to allow a rush of air, his lungs fill to full capacity. But he cannot take anymore. His lungs quickly deflate and his eyes begin to fill with grief

Reads like:

He sits there not allowing thought to contend.
He lay still allowing for the feel of his blood pumping through each and every part of his body.
His nostrils widen to allow a rush of air, his lungs fill to full capacity.
But he cannot take anymore.
His lungs quickly deflate and his eyes begin to fill with grief

Be consistent: He sits there OR He lay still (???)

Try to work of fluidity in your sentences... that is, a string of sentences that flow smoothly... it is difficult to get the reader into the story with short, slitled sentences.

Try writing an outline, beginning with the ending first, then work your way to the ending.
102
102
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Opening paragraph of any novel, novella, short story are required to be strong as this is where you need to tingle the readers' curiosity. Lose here and you lose the reader.

The goal of every writer is to make the reader feel like they are in the story right along with the protagonist and feeling every emotion the protagonist feels. (love, hate, suspense, fear etc.) Again, fail here and you lose the reader. The best way to draw in the reader is to use fluid sentencing; that is, a string of sentences that flow smoothly...using short, stilted sentencing stops the reader from grasping the writers; intent.

Suggestions:

Take the first four sections and convert them into one.

Rephrase story using as many fluid sentence structuring as you can.

Be more selective in your choice of words..look for words that will impact your piece in areas where you're trying to build atmosphere.

Hope this helps
103
103
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
All in all a pretty good beginning; I would suggest combining the first three paragraphs into one, as the third paragraph has the hook.

Some faux pas

" ... left in an (aisle) just three blocks from the station...." Do you mean Alley?

"...If Roger he(her) ex- were..."

"...with time and the space there (their) in..."

Good sentence structure that flows well and even tempo'd. (My opinion..a little slow for my taste, but that's just me ; O )

Characterizations realistic

Dialog too similar...we need variety (my opinion)

Validation great

Good read.
104
104
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well told and well writtern experience.

Good opening paragraph and good sentence structure.

A couple of grammar errosrs that need to be corrected.
Determined not to get (cought-caught)
Which I often (done-did) whenever I (got-was) falsely accused

Good validation

Glad things turned out well for you.
Thanks for sharing
105
105
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.0)
Well, I think you have the ability to write. Since you haven't set up your bio, I'm making the assumption that you're young...if I'm wrong, I apologize.

Introductory paragraphs, sentences or dialog, whichever you chose to use; needs to be strong, as this is where you first capture the readers attention.
Usually, there is a hook or a teaser, that peaks the readers curiosity to continue reading. Fail here and you lose the reader.

Sentences flowed pretty good. The intent of every writer is to draw the reader into the story emotionally, that is, the reader feels what the protagonist is feeling. Again, fail here and you lose the reader.

Characteriztions need to be real or believable... So readers can identify. Your characters are a bit cartoonish and not very realistic. Here, you need to balance what you want the reader to believe and what the readers already know. Before writing on a selected subject; research the subject, then decide how or if you can utilize the information in the story . Readers are tech savy, you need to be too.

Tempo is good. This is where your ability shows.

Conclusion is bad. "Please, God. Please, help me! If I die, Rick and Rosalia will just do this to the next kid they adopt...

Will anyone really think that a dying child would worry about the next victim? I think not. You'd need to set up a scenario explaining why the parents kill the adoptee and explain the child's disappearance. Consider this; adoptive parents get a subsidy and other benefits for each child they adopt; or added income, if you will.

What benefits does an accomplice have; at what risk...etc?

Your progressions need to be logical. Even if you are writing a fantasy or sci fi story; your characterizations need to be realistic or someone the reader can identify with...

You write well
106
106
Review of Bad to the Bone  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well, actually, I think this is a excellent beginning of a novel

Good strong opening paragraph with just enough tease to make the reader want to continue.

Sentence structure good; nice fluidity... a few faux pas punctuation), but nothing major.

Characterization believable and dialog seems to match the characters.

Good tempo

Good validation
107
107
Review of Hidden motive  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Good introductory paragraph that could be stronger... introductory paragraph is where you catch the readers' interest that draws them to continue reader. FAil here and you lose your reader.

Sentence structure good.

Characterization and dialog good.

Grammar could use some working over. Reread and see if you pick it up. Lose the : said, Jackson, Tyler, John-John, in your dialog with rephrasing. I.E. Jackson turned to Tyler.

"That's it right their," (there)

Presentation poor. There are reviewers that will not read works because of poor presentation. I would suggest reposting with correct indentions and spacing.

I.E.

"That's it right their,"( said jackson)

" what, that fucked up looking house,"( asked Tyler.)

the house was old and had two floors, it was ugly with different shades of yellows and browns

."yeah,"( said Jackson)

"I hope you right Jackson,"( said Tyler),

"I been watching the nigga in this house for three weeks he bringing in major paper and tonight we gunna take it!," (said Jackson) with a look of sheer determination in his eyes.

"I don't give a fuck what the the house look like if Jackson say that's the house than that's it, now let's get paid,"( said John-John)


"Tis the bane of all scribes.... rewrite...rewrite...rewrite
108
108
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I can see a touch of the Anne Rice style of writing; unfortunately, (depending on where you stand) I am not a fan.

Grammatically and structurally, your sentences are correct; however ... The writers first thought is how to draw the reader into the story emotionally; that is, make the reader feel as the protagonist feels. fail here and you lose the reader.

As this is just an excerpt; I didn't expect a strong opening or ending; though, in my opinion, the writer needs to continually draw the reader deeper into the story until the storys final conclusion. Of course, it doesn't happen here, as this is merely a fleshing out of what these creatures are supposed to be... reads: an explaination to the reader.

A vampire that doesn't draw blood...I would question that... preferably, create or relate to another mythical creature.

You write well
109
109
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reads like the beginning of a good book.

A few fauz pas.. reread your piece and I think you'll pick them up...don't worry, we all do it.

Good strong opening paragraph.

Charactrerizations good. Could be better. (sorry)

Dialog needs work...everybody sounds the same...dialog should fit the character... Convict, street wise, kid or punk... use a lot of slang..

Good tempo

Good hook at the end... reader thinking: what happens now?
110
110
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

POV fine. You need to work on writing more fluid sentences; as fluid sentencing is the key to keeping the reader involved in the story. Short sentences tend to stop the reader from feeling the emotions of the protagonist and the suspense you're trying to build.

You wrote:
Joel quickly took out his M4 shooting the zombies which had by now surrounded him. He quickly swept his foot under a group of zombies legs, tripping them. He smashed their heads in with the stock of the M4 and ran to the other side of the train. The door was stuck and zombies were gathering behind him. He kicked the door off of it's hinges and got into the next train compartment, quickly locking the door behind him. He slid into a seat to rest. He had sat on a phone. Grabbing the phone he looked at the doors to see if there were any zombies coming in to the compartment.

More fluid:
Joel grabbed his M4 and fired at the zombies that had surrounded him; then swept ing his foot under a few zonbies that were closest to him, bashing their heads in as they fell with the butt of his rifle. Joel ran to the far end of the compartment and found the door locked; he kicked the door, breaking the lock , then hurriedly entered the next compartment; closing the door, then barricading it, to prevent the zombies from attacking for the moment.

He slid into the nearest seat and found a discarded cell phone; Joel stole a glance to see if the zombies had made an attempt to break down the door.....

If you read the sentences out loud to yourself, you'll see what I mean. You want the reader to feel the intensity of the moment.

Good story here, keep it up
111
111
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.5)
The premise is good, that of using each short chapter as a timeline. The bad part of this story is that it is completely devoid of any emotions; and the goal of every writer is to draw emotions from the reader; that is to make the reader feel as if they are experiencing what the protagonist( the girl) is experiencing (fear, love, suspense, hate,etc).

To begin with, you need to develop a strong opening paragraph that raises the curiosity of the reader as is what makes the reader want to continue reading. Fail here and you lose the reader.

Your sentences need to be fluid or smooth and transition well; that is, when you string sentences together, they sound smooth. Smooth flowing sentences make it easier for the reader to get into emotionally) the story.
You wrote:
The first night, sleeping in our new house, I heard noises. The noises were so strange that I couldn’t even describe it. It was not very loud, but it scared me very much. I laid awake in the frightening silence until I fell asleep.
Rather:
Sleeping in our new house for the first time, I started hearing strange and scary noises that I couldn't identify. I lay in bed listening to the soft sounds drifting above me until I feel asleep. Before drifting off, I vowed to find out what made those noises.

Characterization: Characters need to seem real to the reader.

Validation: You need to hook your reader into turning the page..that is keep them wondering whats going on.

Rework your piece by concentrating on flowing sentences and building suspense.
112
112
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Other than the weak introductory paragraph, this is a good piece. Remember that your introductory paragraph is where you draw the readers' interest or curiousity in continuing reading. Fail here and you lose the reader.

Sentences flow well and transition nicely.

Good characterization and dialog matched your characters.

Good tempo

Good validation

Enjoyed the read
113
113
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
If this is a prologue, then where is the mystery or suspense that will draw the reader into the story? It is necessary to have a strong opening, be it a paragraph, a sentence, or a dialog piece, as you have here , to capture the reader curiosity so that they'll want to continue reading. Fail here and you lose the reader.

Sentncing is good and fluid.

Characterizations are realistic and readers should identify.

Dialog good. Lose the Jack, Gordon, Lucy said.... in your dialog...this tends to stop the readers flow.

Presentation is as important as your piece.

“Well, this is where it gets exciting! The amateurs have been weeded out, the only ones left are those with some actual skill!” says Lucy. “I even recognize some from various magazines and newspapers they’ve appeared in.

” “Magazines?” asks Jack.

“Yeah, like ‘Investigative weekly’, and ‘Mystery!’ And of course the organizer of this contest, ‘The Bakerstreet Journal’ . And dozens more!”

“How do you know about these things?”( asks Jack), taken aback.

“I uhm, have a thing for detectives. They’re so cool, deducing cases and finally pointing their finger at the culprit while yelling, ‘The murderer is you!’”

“Uhm…you know those kinds of things don’t really happen in real life?”( says Jack.) “It’s not so much deducing as it is having a good idea of who did it in the first place and then lucking out by finding fingerprints or other corroborating evidence”

“You’re no different from these other geeks” (says Gordon) accusingly to Lucy. “Since you’ve actually been involved in solving cases, I figured at least you would’ve gotten rid of those kinds of delusions”.

“Well… with you guys, it’s usually just like in the movies, minute details leading to the conclusion.” (Says Lucy.)

“I suppose we can’t really fault you for that then, but we’re kind of unconventional. Hey, are you listening?” (says Jack), annoyed because Lucy’s attention is already gone.

“Oh, that’s Ixal the Knowing. He patented his finger waggle when accusing a suspect!”( says Lucy,) barely containing her joy. “Oooh, and I know her too, it’s…”


Rephrase your dialog I.E.

You wrote:
“You’re no different from these other geeks” (says Gordon) accusingly to Lucy. “Since you’ve actually been involved in solving cases, I figured at least you would’ve gotten rid of those kinds of delusions”.

Try something like this:
Gordon turned to Lucy and gave her an accusing stare. Sentnces like this clues the reader as to who the speaker will be.

“You’re no different from these other geeks; since you’ve actually been involved in solving cases, I figured at least you would’ve gotten rid of those kinds of delusions”.
114
114
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very interesting dialog piece with a good twist at the end.

Sentencing fluid and transitions well.

Excellent tempo

Characterizations believable

Dialog excellent and fits the characters.

Difficult to write a dream sequence without informing the reader beforehand,; but you did a nice job here.
115
115
Review of Locked Away  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this unusal way of telling the story; the best part is it works...at least for me.

Good introductory opening and even included a hook.

Sentences flowed well and tranistioned logically.

Characterizations good

Dialog fit the characters

Tempo'd well

Good validation

Excellent read.
116
116
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An excellently written piece under the pressure of doing a flash story (which is why I don't ...)

Strong opening

Senence structure smooth and fluid.

Good transitions.

Characterization believable

Dialog matches the characters

Good validation
117
117
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I think this was plot of a movie made in the fifties by Ed Hollywood. (No joke)

Opening paragraph weak, you can't give away the whole story in two lines. If you do, why would the reader continue reading?

Sentence structure good and flows well.

No characterization or dialog

No validation
118
118
Review of Meg of Moranedd  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An extremely well wriiten piece.

Good opening paragraph

Sentence structure excellent and flowed well.

Excellent transitions

Smooth tempo

Great closing

My only suggestions are to space between paragraphs and dialog.

You are a very talented writer

A very enjoyable read
119
119
Review of Say what?  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
I've reviewed one of your pieces already, so you know what I'd say, especially about your sentences.. ;) Oh yeah, and the purple, though this time, it's darker and easier to read; so, thank you for that!

Couple of points, Sociopath or APD (Anitisocial Personality Disorder) The tongue sticks deep into the cheek!

GOOD
So what does a pseudo immigrant Muslim woman have to say for herself- absolutely nothing? Finally what do I think about the world’s misconception of me? ‘Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn!’


BETTER
So what does a pseudo immigrant Muslim woman have to say for herself- absolutely nothing? Finally what do I think about the world’s misconception of me?

‘Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!’

Enjoyed the read
120
120
Review of The Ridge  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
It is my understanding, and I'm not skilled at poetry of any kind, that much of poetry is written with implied intent and metaphorically.
So there are instances, in your piece, where, I think, you can eliminate some words that aren't required to emote the fellings you intend.

This great and northward swell of land
Where none can reach( us). We rule this place,
Our secret fortress, our steadfast resort.

From( the) fallen watchtower, a great Oak
Long (since )deceased, we survey and note
(That) all is good. Here at least (we can ) know
That everything is as it should.
121
121
Review of Once Upon A Time  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I'm not skilled at poetry and only know what I like, and I like this piece.

Good emotions and very heartfelt as though you were recalling a once great love from your past.

I would suggest reviewing this and correct some missed punctuation.

I would also suggest changing but to now in the second line of the first stanza.


Other than that...nice, touching piece
122
122
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A very well written piece about a sad period in our history that, sadly, still exists in our society today; not as overtly as then, but simmers just below the surface.

If I were to suggest any changes; it would be to change the dialog to a more rural idiolect, that was common in Mississippi.

A baby boomer myself, I grew up in Los Angeles in a segregated neighborhood and remember the stereotyping that existed back then. One instance, in particular, still sticks in my mind and I've thought of writing a short piece on it.

My older brother, at the time, the #2 man at a major Corp, was at a fund raiser for an individual running for a local office; a certain portion of his time is required by the corporation, to attend these types of functions. At one point, he was asked to speak, and he proceeded to tell the story of a middle school teacher he had, that told him not to inspire to be anything other than what he was meant to be; so he should learn all he could about gardening.
He then turned to the want a be politician and said; "You don't remember me, but I remember you, and my company will not ever support politicians with racist attidtudes." Needless to say, the fundraiser and that would be politicians' career, ended that night.

Thanks for sharing
123
123
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An interesting and imaginative read that sounds more like a two actor play like they used to do way back in the early '50's. (beatnik era)

Opening paragraph, good, not strong, but good. I think I understand that the intent was to evoke the feeling of futility. I also feel this would be better served by rephrasing into a more fluid style,(read that marketable) as readers tend to drift towards smoother reading pieces as is done later in the paragraph.

Excellent sentencing structure (in my opinion); but again, the tendency to throw jabbing sentences at the reader. I don't think the majority of readers will appreciate your intent or your ability. (I do!)

Hell is different.
Its not the cliché world everyone thought it would be –
its not all heat and fire and redness.
Its not greenery, that’s for sure
… its stone.
Mountains of stone; of onyx and jade and amber and
… and a thousand other stones.

Great validation

For me, I enjoyed this read and would have liked to see more flourish within the piece...I.E.

I won’t grow old.
I won’t…
ever…
grow…
old.

I love your vivid imagination.....!!
124
124
Review of Goodbye  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dificult to review this piece as you haven't set a bio. Your bio will give a reviewer an idea of who you are and, a little about how experienced you are as a writer.

Whether you write a chapter or write a short story, the same rules apply.

Introductory paragraph needs to contain a "hook",; that is a sentence or more that will evoke the curiosity of the reader to continue reading.

Sentences need to flow smoothly rather than be short and stilted. The logic here is that it is easier for the writer to evoke the emotions of the reader to that of the protagonist. Or, more commonly, to draw the reader into the story. This is the goal of every writer and should be yours too. If you fail here; you lose the writer.

Characters need to be believable so that readers can and will identify with them.

Dialog needs to match the characters...this makes the characters more believable to the reader.

It is always preferable to close a chapter with a hook, though, it may not always happen.

Now your story:

One night while jaya was asleep (she) ran down the steps of the treehouse.(she) needed to think and organized the confuse thoughts in her head.(she) ran through the forest to the pond where (she) practice every day.When (she) got there (she) sat on the rock where (she) often came.(she) thought alot as (she) threw rocks in the water to amuse herself.


As much as (she) love the forest.(she) knew (she) couldnt stay and (she) was getting at the age to be on her own.(she) must be with her own people.(she) had to go .it was her best choice.(she) knew (she) missed this place very much.

16 she's Rephrase your sentences.
Capitalize where needed
Expand your story; you're a writer, don't be afraid to write.
125
125
Review of Dawn Stone  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (5.0)
This piece is honest and reeks of sincerity...

Good sentence structure that flows well and transitons well.

But you have my curiosity as now I'd like to know what your real name is, since you said it was real long, and only for that reason.

thanks for sharing
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