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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| ahhh looky ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** our creative blogpal Anyea made this cutie... but she looks kinda beat up though  I'm all good here folks, don't worry... not much keeps me down for long. Today was full of nonsense, work (ok not much .. getting to that here in a minute), yakking on the phone, being naughty  who me??...and only one sorted convo with StepMonster. So plans are pretty set, Christmas eve at church, Christmas morning, at home, with Dev, Darla and I, then up to Nanaimo by 11:30am to serve the homeless dinner til 4pm. Then off to StepMonsters, for turkey dinner with lots of *sighing* and I think copious amounts of booze ( thanks Mrs. Whatsit for that suggestion.. things are looking up!!)Not much else new here - I have a job interview Wednesday...*sigh* Of course I don't really want the job *sigh*, it's an interesting job, and I could probably do a lot with it - working at a community 'greening' organization, writing articles, and spreading the word about food safety, what ever that is. But it is a 9-5 job - and it will mean Devann at home alone a lot and Darla too - and 4 hours of driving on friday to get her to school - Dev not Darla - and I wanted to take some holiday time in January - so that could be a glitch - So I can hear me now.... "Oh sure I'll take the job, but need a week off, 2 weeks after I start... oh and can I have Fridays off? And come in early Mondays so I can take Dev to work and leave early to pick her up, and leave on my lunch to take her to work Tuesdays, oh and there's piano lessons later.. oh and can I bring my dog to work too? And do you have high speed wireless cause ummm... I have to read blogs all day...I have readers, you know." And did I mention that it pays like super crappy - I know I have been out of the regular work force for a while, but sheesh, it's still a blow to my ego to accept such crappy pay, when at one time I was getting over $50 an hour... I know, I decided very clearly to give that up and all the misery that came with it.. but still. Like galinago said to me earlier, it's like ok that right now, working for myself I only make about 13cents an hour - but working for someone else for $13 an hour - seems like way way less $$ somehow and it just hurts. I have only had one interview my whole life that I didn't get the job - so my chances of getting this are pretty damn good - they'll love me, no doubt and I'll get that place running ship shape like a crazy woman in no time....but.. but.. but... sigh... it will mean either putting off the book deal , or when that works out, quitting the new job. Maybe I'll forget to wash my hair or use deodorant or pick my nose in the interview.... crap... I hate making decisions.. I usually find when I fret about a decision, inevitably it turns out there really is no decision to be made - things are clear, if I can just straighten out my head. Well if all else fails, editing an ESL textbook and thinking about dependent clauses and dangling prepositions....that'll do it spreading that damn christmas cheer that's me.... bugz |
| In the spirit of scarlett_o_h blog entries of conversations in lala land.. I follow humbly in her footsteps. December 16, 2007 12:31pm Me: Hello StepMonster: *sigh* Hello *sigh* Me: Oh hi there, how are you? (first mistake.. never, ever ask that) SM: *sigh* okay I guess Me: Why, what's up? second mistake SM: Well I am just trying to figure out plans for Christmas. Me: What do you mean? I thought Jody said you had changed your mind and you were going away again now. SM: *sigh* *laugh* Well that's impossible. I canceled my ticket, so they are alllll gone, there is NO way I am going to be able to get my ticket back. Me: Did you call the travel agent? SM: *laugh* Well, no, but I know they're won't be any tickets. Me: Well it's still worth a shot. SM: Maybe, but I don't think so. Me: Well, ok. SM: So anyway, if we have our Christmas day dinner together there is another problem. Me: *sigh* What's that? SM: Jody and Denise. They won't leave their friend John by himself and so they won't be able to come. Me: Well let them figure that out. SM: Well, it will be too hard. They have 3 dogs. I am NOT having all 4 dogs here. That will drive me absoluuuuutely crazy Me: to my self..right, more than you are? Me: out loud Why not, we had all 4 dogs there at Thanksgiving. SM: No we didn't. Me: me searching unreliable memory bank Ummmm yes we did, I remember Odie sticking his head through the gate watching us eat dinner. SM: No they didn't bring them. Me: Yes they did, I remember and they were very well behaved. SM: *sigh* Well fine then. Well if they come they have to clean up the pee. Me: I'm sure it will be okay, they were fine last time. It was Darla who was a pain. SM: Fine. They can bring the dogs then. *sigh* Me: Great, so don't worry SM: Well it's too far for them to drive. Me: *sigh* Jody drives that all the time - don't worry SM: Well, *sigh* I will have to get two turkey breasts then. Me: Well that will be expensive, why don't you just get a whole turkey? SM: That's too much work. Me: Well I think it might be cheaperSM: Well Denise doesn't like dark meat. Me: why am I having this conversation Well I wouldn't worry about that, we don't even know if they are going to Vegas or not. SM: Jody said they are not going. Me: Well let's just make our plans, and if they are around they can join us. SM: Fine.*sigh* So then tomorrow I have to order the turkey, get the vegetables, and I'll buy store bought cookies and dessert because I just don't have time now to do anything else. Me: Well, there is still lots of time, don't worry. SM: Well the stores are crowded and the good food runs out. Me: Okay then, go shopping. SM: Well do I ask Denise and Jody what they are doing? Me: No, I wouldn't bother. Lets just make our plans and then they will decide later what they are doing. SM: *sigh* ok. I need to go I have to look up my recipe for walnut bars. Me: Well don't go to too much trouble really. SM: I am only going to bake 3 things, that's all. I don't have time for anything else. Me: Okay, well I should get back to work. I'll talk to you tomorrow. SM: Okay, talk tomorrow then. Bye, bye *sigh* Me: Good-bye Just shoot me bugz |
A few people have popped over to check on me after my last... ahem... spewing, barfy, potty mouth blog.  Thank you really .. that means the world to me. Like I just told Anyea, it's a bit tricky, as blogs are captured at that moment in time and then when things shift, people are not up to speed. So yesterday was rough to say the least... I have not been hungover like that in... hmmm.. years and years. So I am out of practice! haha Today is much better. I am getting some work done, thinking on creative ways to solve all the Christmas nonsense, and letting go of my super bitchy side that came out yesterday....phewffff she was nasty. Can just put her back in an airtight box and shove her to the back of the closet... or better yet, throw her overboard!! Ok back to work here... have a great weekend all. I'll some more nonsense for you Monday. cheers bugzy |
| I think, to be honest one of the best bloggers on here is BeautyFromAshes because she just spills it, talks about her day and by the end of the her blog usually comes to some understanding or pulls a piece of wisdom out of her bag of tricks – but she doesn’t hold back – she doesn’t censor, or hold back for fear of judgment or lack of readers of pissing anyone off, she just spews, gets the shit out and moves on. Admirable. So in her honour – this is now a Beauty Blog – but look out!! It’s not going to be very beautiful though – so if you want to scroll straight down and just leave a  or just back the hell out, that’s fine. I am not one of those who worries that oops today I got 58 views and only 14 comments – get over yourself people. And I am NOT one of those backstabbing people who would ever run around in here and tell others to boycott someone else’s blog – again I say....get over yourself peopleAnd Yah I was accused of doing that today… that was sooo not something that I intended to discuss here but since I am sure that person won’t read this, I am not censoring (plus I did confront them so this is not something I am doing behind THEIR back).. but I am sitting here with tears – thinking that someone would even for one second think that of me… gawed people…. Jeeez – I am such a goddamm sucker – I ALWAYS think the best of people I ALWAYS give the benefit of the doubt and when people question my morals… gawed it hurts – what can I say.. although lets get really real ….. my morals SUCK – but I so did not do that, nor would I ever, nor would I ever even THINK of doing that…. So lets move on Anway that is bullshit and just something that on any other day would have slid off without much a thought, but today …. Well it was the wrong day for that to happen. It started out good actually. plafleur was cracking me up first thing this morning – that dude is hilarious – I hope his little kiddies survive having him as a Dad – I think you better start saving for therapy treatments Mr I – your kids are going to need them. Then it was off to work at the farm today. I am furiously looking for funding so “I” can get paid for this book project. I am SURE it is going to be voted in next week – but I gotta find the cash, so I need to be at the farm, using their IP address to get onto a funding website… so I was there most of the day. Not sure exactly when things started to turn.. so lets try to figure that out… I felt a bit in the way. There is a lot going on there, the director who knew I was coming at 11am, was nowhere to be found and didn’t want me working in his office that day, so wrote me and said I could work on my own laptop in another office – which was no big deal… I figured out where that office was – but I did not have the password, so started working on a spreadsheet , then thought,.... this is a waste of time, as I could do this at home, so I went to look for him. That place is huge – impressive, amazing, astounding, miraculous, inspiring – I had never walked around the grounds before…. I was ….yah, in awe. I feel like I am at home there – wow…. As I am typing this I am realizing such a sense of connection… ok.. I need to figure this out – I need to call him tomorrow and get this figured out – he needs to get me work there until this book deal happens. I got a link to a job today that I am going to apply for – yah I know – but I am desperate for $$ _ that would take me totally off my track , but hey….. but ok… I am going to call him …. I’ll wash dishes there until the book deal $$ comes in.. yah – ok.. well anyway…. I got signed in to the site and worked all day – I got a lot done – I got through over 2000 funders and I have 23 possibilities…… I feel good. But something was off all day. I don’t know. My phone doesn’t work there – you cant get reception for my phone , so I missed a lot of lovely text messages that might have staved off my bad mood – I kept checking my email, but I didn’t get anything all day, and I was sad… so that was part of it perhaps… dunno. And it was freezing in there.. I had to finally put on my winter coat. And there was a huge christmas party going on with food etc – which I was in fact invited to twice by people who worked there, but I didn’t go, I felt totally like an intruder –so perhaps that contributed….. dunno. But ‘something’ was off all day and I didn’t know what. THEN.. . it hit me. Like a fucking two ton truck of bricks. I was walking down my dock afterwards when my phone rang and it was my stepmonster. I cannot possibly relay the whole conversation cause a) I totally shut down after two seconds and b) I will start to cry again if I tell you everything – but in a nutshell she is NOT going away for christmas Yup So remember that lovely blog of ohhhh gosh two days ago maybe – of yahdeeyahdee, getting over my fucked up family and getting things arranged for just Dev and I to have FINALLY a christmas WE wanted Well fucking forget it. She has hypochondriacness to the extreme I cant even talk about it right now and it doesn’t matter – she cancelled her trip So she starts…. We need to make plans for christmas blahblahblah I had to hold the phone away from my ear because I couldn't bare what was coming .. in the blink of eye I saw my much thought out plans melting before my eyes. With the multitude of change I have dealt with in my life , I have never really been able to switch gears very quickly. I had to get her off the phone and fast!!! I just told her that Dev and I had plans - and that I had to go and I would talk to her tomorrow - and that we would work something out And guess what.... I will... I will work something out .. even if it means canceling all my plans to suit her .... why do you ask??? ohhh guess I am a nice person??? NOO i am a martyr through and through so its all fucked up... yah you will say stuff like, stick by your guns bugzy and tell her you made plans and fuck it... but you know that is not going to happen. when my Dad died, I promised I would take care of her, so that is my promise and I never make promises that I do not keep. So yah.. i dont know how it will playout. I am way too tired and have now had all the rum in the house and ok i am probably too drunk at this point and should probably shut up now. Thank god for friends eh? fleckgirl talked to me on the phone even though her life situation is not good and it doesn't work for her well to talk on the phone - but she said fuck it, and put me and my drunken nonsense first and let me purge big time for hours tonight even though ti was so late for her and she is going to feel like crap tomorrow. That is true friendship - putting your needs aside when a friend really needs you. She is a true friend - one like I have never known .. and we met here of all places. Then just as she was gone, DntdKnight popped on MSN and yah.... we have been such dear friends forever and even with a 3 hour time difference, he made himself a pot of coffee and stayed up til 4:20am his time to listen to my crap.... he will have less than 3 hours sleep until he has to wake his son and wife for the day to start.... that is a friendthank god for him I'm tired out and cried out. Lots of thoughts and words and profanities have transpired since the first few words of this blog stared hours ago. I have a head ache now and will be hung over tomorrow and didn't get any work done tonight - well I will try for a bit yet, since I dont really feel drunk anymore.... crying sobers me up fast. I am going to apply for a full time job in town.... i know - mixed messages to the universe and all that , but if I dont get some $$ in a couple of weeks my phone will be cut off - so yah time to get real... although I did get an edting job again and looks like my greening christmas column sold - but i need some cash now.. so we will see Its funny when i was talking to fleck ..we were trying to figure out, why our moods change so quickly ... really most stuff hasnt changed, most circumstances havent changed.... two days ago i was on top of the world....everything is essentially the same, except my stepmom changed her plans, .... my financial situation is the same, my love life...hmm.. is still fucked up, yet what i was able to look at with optimism two days ago... I can only look at tonight with total despair why i dont have any answers.... and when i get to this space I go to the only thing I can do.. ask myself what I dont want... ok..... I dont want a regular 9-5 job I dont want to spent this christmas like last year with people I dont want to be with i dont want to spend this christmas wishing I was with someone who cannot 'be' with me i dont want to be unhappy and wanting for something other than what i have so ok... i will apply for that job regardless so perhaps I can get some short term money i will work something out with my stepmom to appease her yet not give up what i want to do I will let go of the expectation of spending christmas with someone I love and face facts and be happy regardless ok...well that's it i guess..thats enough except to say.. crying again today... my dearest friend ever Ski -ster gave me an inspiration badge, which I am too tired to find and attach -that at this moment in time I do not feel worthybut earlier when he told me how much I inspired others , it made me cry too.. wow a day of tears from one spectrum to another I wont discount his sentiment as I admire him too much and although I dont feel very deserving... i accept his gift with love and say thanks and tomorrow or in a few hours it will be a new day .. complete with a headache and a day with my stepmom.. but big breath.... I'll persevere thanks to all of you bugz |
| Sorry folks, has to be done......My blog has been hijacked by Devann and Darla before, but this time I ‘stole’ an entry that Dev wrote in her own blog on Nexopia… shhhh… don’t tell that I know her password heehee… This is what she wrote earlier today. “Sometimes I feel like a tack. You know those pins people use to post things on walls or cork boards? Well I feel like someone or something is pushing me to get through the wall and the walls to hard, so I bend and snap off. The rules for getting through high school are tough and there are many. Im sure your thinking I should have it easier since technically I’m not in high school but still, its not just high school but society as well. You have to obey these rules or you are automatically labeled a geek, slut, whore, fatty, homo and many more hurtful words. Sure some people actually are those things, but they don’t need the people of the world to point it out, THEY ALREADY KNOW. I really feel that people in the world today need to put other people’s differences behind them and just accept people for who they are. Life is to short for us to always be judging people and making fun of them. One day just go up to someone and say hi, you don’t necessarily need to like them, just don’t ignore them. Bullies just don’t understand how much words can actually hurt; I mean today suicide is the 3rd highest cause of death in teens. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” a rhymed used in preschool, well it should be “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can kill me”. Some days I just wish I was in kindergarten again. No teasing no taunting, the worst think to happen was someone took your skipping rope, but then the teacher would get it back, the kid would apologize and you would become best friends. I never thought back then, that things would end up like this, avoiding certain people cause you know they want to beat you up, hiding out in bathroom stalls at recess cause you don’t want to look stupid when you are walking by yourself at recess, asking for extra homework after school cause you have no plans on weekends or after school. And whats worse is that sometimes parents get into it too. Stepparents are by far the worst thing in my book, either they are too grabby and try to win your affection by buying you things (personally I love it but still) and then there are the abusive ones that basically want to have your one parent all to themselves, so they try to sabotage your relationship with them. And on top of that they are abusive and mean. Bullying at school and home? Where are you supposed to go to feel safe and happy? Are teens supposed to feel like they shouldn’t be happy? That they don’t deserve it?? Well I felt like that back in the 8th grade. I felt there was no where for me to go where i felt safe and happy. Finally I found a group where other teens went when they had trouble at home. The group was called Rainbows and it was the one place at school I felt where I belonged. And my counselor Mrs. Chisholm lived near me and told me to come over whenever I was having a hard time at home. I tried to take up her offer one afternoon, but my stepdad came over when I was getting my shoes and helmet, cause I was biking over, and asked where I was going. As soon as I told him I was going to my guidance counselors house he flipped out and said no way could I do to a teachers house cause that’s not the kind of relationship we were supposed to have. Needless to say I went anyway and got the punishment as soon as I got home. Mrs. Chisholm’s house was more and more my new sanctuary, a place I could go to when I wasn’t bullied, judged or abused in anyway. Sadly I only got to go there a few times because my stepfather put his foot down and was steaming mad, so I daren’t go there again after my punishment before. Music became the only thing I could count on and my room the only safe place in my life. Rainbows was still going on but I could feel myself falling farther and farther down a dark cold hole, a depression came over me and last quite a while. Finally one day while my mother and I were driving down to town she told me she and my stepdad broke up and we were moving to BC. At first I was shocked but then a wave of relief came over me. We were going to stay until I graduated from middle school but then july we were moving out here. I have to say that was the best thing that ever happened to me. Im homeschooled now as I mentioned before, and sure it isn’t as social but its not as stressful so that’s great. Ive come out of my depression made wonderful friends that are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can count on them for anything and know if something happened they would be right there for me. I have cut all ties with my stepfather and receive the odd email that I ignore from him, but that’s pretty much it. I miss Ontario a lot and the few friends that I did have there but otherwise this is my home and probably the only place I have ever felt most happy.” Reading this entry made me cry, laugh, feel horrible, guilty and proud. We have been through a lot together, some good, some real crap. But I can’t say enough of how amazed I continue to be by this gal who has grown so much over this past year, I can hardly believe she is the same little girl who left Ontario with me almost a year and a half ago. Last night, when we got home from her piano lesson and we were walking down the parking lot she said, “Two years ago, could you ever have imagined this place? Having Darla, who is now peeing upside down on the hill, taking piano lessons, and living here.” Looking across the dark ocean, with the lights of Christmas sparkling on the water, listening to the peacefulness and looking over at Dev – I knew, no matter what, we are going to be okay. How blessed is that bugzy ps....yah but just when i get all mushed up.. she's been yelling for the last hour, that she cannot find the hammer that was last seen in HER room - so FINALLY I relent, climb up the ladder to go help look and literally 1.5 seconds later, I find it under a pile of clean clothes.... grrrrr..... glad to know she's still a regular ole silly teenager after it's all said and done. |
| I received my first Christmas card in the mail today and it was from my real Mom who lives in Vancouver. Nice… two cards with cash – always appreciated. It was weird because on my way to take Dev to work today, I thought, I’m going to call my Mom when I get home and there, lo and behold, was her card waiting for me. So I called her. The first few minutes passed with the usual catch up, what’s new. Her canary died, so she got a new one, she is not getting a new dog til the Spring, her last one died a few months back, her son is painting the bedroom, so the house is in chaos etc.blahblahblah Then the obligatory weather discussion… which for once, I had something exciting to talk about. Not everyone gets to recant stories about sinking houses. Then, I ask what she is planning for Christmas, and I swear to God, I sensed almost a fearful tone in her voice. She said, “Not much. Why do you ask?” But what I heard was, “Not much, OH MY GOD, you’re not thinking of coming over are you?” So I said, not once, but twice, maybe Devann and I could walk on to the ferry (it’s $120 to drive on and about $20 to walk on) and perhaps her son could pick us up (15min drive to the ferry from their house). And both times she answered with, “Well, let’s just see what the weather is doing. It's not cooperating very well and can be so unpredictable this time of year.” Not at any point, did she say, she would love to see us or wouldn’t that be nice, or for sure a couple of days would be lovely, or lets talk again closer to Christmas to see about the weather. Nothing, zilch, zip, nada. Why do I put myself through this time and time again? Why do I continue to have this damn fantasy of the ideal, big, loving, open, warm, inviting family get together? Why do I put myself out there to try and create a relationship with her that is different than what it is? When am I going to get it through my stupid, thick head that my Mom just is not that interested? The more I keep trying the more I only get hurt and sad and more hurt. Fuck it. Everyone in my family is unavailable this year. My stepmom will be in Arizona, my brother and his wife will be in Vegas, my sister lives 16 hours away, and my mom, who is a skip over in a ferry, is just damn emotionally unavailable. Well it's probably a good thing.. last year was horrible, with my brother getting drunk, throwing presents around, smacking his wife, being obnoxious, going against my wishes and giving Dev a TV and all sorts of other nonsense and crap. Yah well….this year Devann and I will have fun without them, so there. We will do exactly what WE want to do and piss on them all. So here are the plans so far… First of all we are going to go to the Christmas Eve Candlelighting service at the Unity Church. I am not a church goer – but we used to go the Unity Church in Toronto because the Minister there, without fail – spoke to me, every single time. And every Christmas Eve we went to the candlelighting ceremony – it’s just magical and yet another thing we gave up because it didn’t suit others. Well not this year. Then on Christmas Day we’re going to wake up whenever we feel like it, have hot chocolate in our new snowman cups, open our prezzies (no more opening Christmas Eve like Michael made us every year), eat yummy christmas bread and probably store bought shortbread cookies and something else ridiculous. Then we are going to go serve the homeless dinner at The Christmas Spirit Community Dinner at the Glad Tidings Pentecostal Church in Victoria. ….Again this was something we used to do every year… I remember when Dev was just a peanut, being a greeter and handing out cigarettes – sounds bad, I know, but she was so cute and I know some of those ole guys got a kick out of seeing her there all dressed up in her party dress and Santa Hat. She got a present one year and she didn’t want to take it. She wanted them to give it to another homeless child. Those were good memories and giving of ourselves at Christmas is something we gave up that always made me feel bad. Anyway the folks that organize it wanted me to bake cookies…  ... but I had to graciously decline, in the best interest and health of all those attending. When I told the gal, about my baking disabilities, she had a good laugh, and said, “Well the world needs a few of those I guess.” Yup, that’s a plan. I am excited. And as far as having the usual dysfunctional family Christmas time… we are having no part of it this year Blah bugzy ps still waiting for the big 10,000 hits |
| I LOVE prezzies!!! I got two today already and it's not even Christmas yet. Mr or Mrs Anonymous gave me a costumicon .. look up  seeeeeee... I am now Milk and Cookies - well I don't do milk and I suck at baking cookies, but I looooove eating cookies!!!! So ummm thanks whoever that was, made my day... that was sooooo sweet !!! yumyumyum!! And SouthernDiva gave me a raffle ticket for a chance to win a premium membership ....I think she just wants me to post the bruised pic of my tushie... but thanks Diva... you're cool!!So remember yesterday I said I had too many topics for one blog, well tonight I got zippo. I knew I should have written all the crap that was in my head earlier, cause now it's gone... poof... vacated the premises, done, dusted, vanished. So you got just piss and dribble tonight. Although... I should say something interesting for my 10,000 viewer today... but hmmmmm nope. Lucky viewers today are rewarded with just some crap. hmmmm.. I did get another novel reject.. that makes 9 wow eh? Time to send out some more, I think I only have one or two more out there. Working like a cuckoo on excel spreadsheets for my farm book - I think I have 6 now.. I am a crazy excelllllent woman these days! Count down to the next board meeting and hopefully final approval - Dec 18th. I am supposed to go there this week for a meeting and to do some work, but not sure when that is happening. My float home article came out in the magazine - they post online but its not up yet, (just checked) so when it is, I'll post a link. It turned out pretty good, considering they hacked out all the sidebars... grrrrr I have two more article assignments I better bust my ass on.. okay hold it .....retract.. I already busted my ass the other day.... so gotta quit saying that. I had better get working on those soon. And I am going to go ahead and write the Greening Christmas article (without the singing broccoli) even though the newspaper hasnt committed to it - I'll just write it and send it in, hopefully they'll just pick it up, it's getting late now! yikes.. ok better work on that next. I did have some too deep thoughts the other day about relationship stuff and creating, promoting or allowing everything that happens in my life...which if I believe is 'true' then it should apply to 'relationships' as well. And I wonder if I set it up, so that i can't really have a normal one (although define normal) so lets say normal meaning, single, available, guy, close by for example - but instead I set it up so the only guys I want (or who want me) are not 'available , ie nearby etc. Do you think I set that up, because I am almost afraid to screw up my perfect life I have now? So in fact, having Mr not quite available is actually perfect for me? Or is it back to me sabotoging myself - wanting something, but setting it up, so I can't really have it. But really, what do I want? If I am not clear about what I want, then how can I get it, or know when it arrives? Okay never mind.. see...too deep for a mood filled with Dr Seuss poetry in sweetts blog and Nikola~Ugh Summer!  perched so cutely on top of my christmas tree and kinky pickles in Special Kay s treeso forget it... rum and eggnog (instead of milk) and cookies all around! And back to work here!!! busy, busy, busy Cheers bugzy |
| Well I have too much to say for one entry. I almost blogged over the weekend... but nah, I didn't. First of all, in the next few days, my humble bloggy will hit 10,000 views... wowza eh? Whodda thought that so many silly people would hang out in here. So, I'll try to keep track and closest I can see who hits that magic number with a comment will get a prezzie. Goody, goody!! Well Dev and I went out and purchased a tree the other night. That is super early for us - but all you enthused WDCers, made me get my days all mixed up, so I thought Christmas was closer than it was, and I blipped. We usually don't put up a tree until around the 20th. We didn't have a tree last year, as we just moved into our new house around this time, and we were under crazy construction and there was just noooo room. I didn't have any of our decorations anyway, as most of our stuff was still in storage back in Ontario. So I hauled our boxes of goodies from my mom's garage, and we went and picked out a tree from the pile at the store where Dev works. We stopped at the liquor store, where, lo and behold, those damn firemen were doing their 'boot' campaign, (gosh they were cute, I thought dev was going to have a fit even!!) and I bought the obligatory rum (you cannot decorate a tree in my house without rum and eggnog). We carried it all home, down the long slippery dock and got started.Dev had a friend over, so things went in spits and spirts. It was a night full of ups and downs. At one point, I stepped outside my sliding glass door and proceeded to do the splits when I hit sheer ice, and my one leg went under the canoe and my other one went right down into the ice water.... funny to watch I bet.. but hurt like HELL! I am one giant bruise from my butt down - I'd take pics, but my damn port is FULL,( I wrote SM a note tonight to let us lowly unpgraded members buy more port space... he responded actually - nice of him - but doesn't look like that is going to happen anytime soon so you are spared the picture of my bruised ass) - but trust me... its a gorgeous shade of wavering purples and red. I have huge bumps several places on my shins, but the good news is, I did not lose my slipper in the ocean. So, quickly recovering, or not so quickly, we were back at the tree assemblage (wow that is a word..hmmmm nice, thought I made it up) It was then a time of mixed emotions again. It was nice to pull out some of the long forgotten treasures. But, then we soon noticed a few of our things were missing. I guess my ex, availed himself of some of the things he wanted to keep that were not his.... but I was so grateful to have any of our stuff, that I guess I can't really complain. Devann said she was so happy because for the first time in 5 years, we were going to have a tree that we wanted. My ex was a control freak to say the least, and the tree had to be decorated his way or no way. We were not 'allowed' to put most of our little goofy things on the tree. He never had his own kids, so he didn't really get the homemade, lopsided fuzzy angels, or handpainted walnut shells, or plastic Harry Potter ornaments collected over the years. Nothing plastic was allowed on his tree, no tinsel or little twinkly strings of lights. He only had candles on the tree - which looked gorgeous don't get me wrong. But they were a pain to light, we were never allowed to light them unless we stayed right in the room, and only at certain times because he would only let them burn if they were going to burn for a certain amount of time, so he didn't have to replace the candles too many times. So the tree was only lit up 3 or 4 times over Christmas. And I don't know about you, but I love to leave the lights on a lot, even if we are not in the room, just to see the twinkling every time we pass by. It used to be a tradition to sleep under the tree the night we decorated and leave the lights on all night, but that of course went out the window with Michael. We didn't sleep under the tree this year, as I ummmm.. still don't turn up the heat too high and it's pretty damn freezing in the living room. So anyway, without further adieu, I did delete an old pic from my port, so I could show you this not so great pic. I took about 10 of the tree, but it's hard to get it to look ok... but this is the best I could do for now... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Dev got the idea to hang all the stockings on the wall above the tree - we started a tradition when she was about 5 years old, to get a new stocking every year, so we have quite a cool collection now. Looking at the pic, it looks a bit wacked, but we love it. It has no rhyme or reason or any sort of symmetry, Nothing matches, it's pretty lopsided and there are holes here and there. The ornaments are silly and some are over 21 years old - one says 'baby's first christmas' and was for Drews first christmas. But we love it. It speaks of freedom, choices, love and passion and of two gals who are no longer suppressed, withdrawn, controlled or bullied. It's our tree - exactly how WE want it to be and it makes us happy. And that's all that is important. So, dunno, lots more happened, or not so much really, just crap in my head - but I'll make this ...ahem.... sorta short and just finish with the explanation of the title of this blog (...here.... you don't have to scroll up..."Are there any more shortbread cookies in the box?"...). So the next night Dev decides to come sleep with me, don't remember why.. oh yah we had nooo power again.... grrrr.. the house was dark and super cold, so we amalgamated blankets and crawled in my bed, and it was super duper late ... like 2am or 3am, and Dev decides she wants to have one of those 'talks'. I'm doing my best, yaking about this and that, getting more and more tired, and she keeps telling me to open my eyes. She wants me to ask her questions, so I did ask a few good ones, (dont remember what really) but I was really getting dozey and at one point although I could still hear her talking, I must have dozed off for a second, cause I was dreaming of cookies (wonder why) and I asked, "Are there any more shortbread cookies in the box?" Well as soon as I said it, I realized it made no sense what so ever, and we both started cracking up so much Darla jumped out of the covers and started barking her head off. We laughed our guts out for 10 minutes and needless to say I woke right up! We were still laughing about it at dinner tonight, and Dev even told all her friends on Nexopia about it - they thought it was a hoot too. Gotta love those moments, don't you? Makes everything else crap in life just disappear. So yup, lots more, but I'll save some for tomorrow. I got enough in my brain right now to fill the week - just hope I don't forget. happy, happy you all.... cheers bugz |
| So I'm doing research for an eco article I'm writing on Greening Christmas and I stop by this gal's site, who is making one green change a day in her life for one year... and she has a link to this dude...... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GabHGlGm14&feature=related howz that Anyea .?? Does this inspire you to hack up another Christmas Song?? And if you're really a sucker for punishment - have a listen to these ummmmm people http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpfYt7vRHuY There probably should be some sort of law against vegetable abuse. Those sounds were never meant to come out of carrot. I think I am permanently damaged and I might just have to go eat a steak.  cheers bugz ps terryjroo made this for us... poor veggies are getting it from all sides these days... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
1 - write an entry  saying you're not blogging cause you're pissy and read the comments. Guaranteed to make you split a gut. Really hard to stay pissy and at the same time.2 - wake up and realize there are four hot guys hanging around your dock working that you just HAVE to go supervise - which is not a lie - those dudes were attaching chains (stop it Mr Improvement ... I know what you're thinking) and a horkin' big assed anchor to my house and they had to measure how long to make the chains and I think they all flunked grade 4 math - scared the beejezus outta me and made me forget all about being pissy. 3 - chat to a fellow pissy pea in a pod - although that sometimes can backfire, when you feed on each other's pissinesss, but you can also plan to just screw everything (not everybody ) and plan the great escape. Thoughts of a beach in Mexico, usually get rid of pissy thoughts.4 - clear the air with someone who might have added a teeny bit to your pissiness and then change the subject and talk dirty (okay you CAN let your mind wander there for a minute... okay long enough, come back now.) 5 - work - yah, I know, but trust me setting up an Exel spreadsheet when you haven't even opened that program in ..ummmm.....almost 6 years is guaranteed to make you forget EVERYTHING else you were pissy about and make you really pissy about ... how the hell do you put those headers in again??? and if all else fails and you're still whiney.... then go... 6 - make cookies at 11:30pm with your daughter and argue about whether or not to put in the butterscotch chips or the mint chocolate chip ones and end up have a 'chip' fight in the kitchen... yah... good times. Okay off to eat pretty bleckky cookies, since they ended up with both kinds of chips and we pretty much suck at baking anyway.. but drinking tea and eating cookies and chatting with a cool kid is a nice way to end a pissy day. nite all bugzy |
| show of hands...... skip it wins. phewff consider yourself saved |
| Well we got full power tonight around 7:30pm. We'd been without since about 3pm yesterday. It's been a crazy 28 hours or so. The first call came around 2pm when my neighbour came by to borrow my snow shovel again. Seems like I am one of the only ones who owns one. She said one of the houses was sinking, so I dashed out with just a coat and a pair of slip on leather shoes... first mistake. Here's my neighbour's house.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Within about 30 minutes most of the neighbours were out trying to help. I had a long painting pole that I was scrapping snow off the side, the marina dudes, pulled a generator over and got a pump going to help pump the salt water that was pouring in through the floor around the toilet. After a while, others realized their houses were dangerously close to taking in water. The snow had been falling fast and furious since the day before and it was super wet. I had been out the night before for an hour or so shoveling off the dock and my finger and back deck. The marina is supposed to keep it clear, but that rarely happens so I pretty much took over that job last winter, and assumed so again this year. After a while when things starting looking worse, I asked if we should call the fire department.. no one really agreed except one gal neighbour, and there was a lot of hummmming and in haaaaaing, so I figured crap, they could at least bring ladders. Well things moved quickly and the new ramp (which up until then, we were not allowed to use, although no one knew why) was cleared of snow pdq (and ...oops I knocked over a pylon.into the water... ) The firemen showed up within 15 minutes and soon had things really hopping. they brought down ladders and a boat and hooked up generators (we'd lost power by then) lights and started hosing off snow from houses.In the meantime - unbeknownst to me, dumb Darla, decided it was time to go for a dip, since she hadn't been in for awhile - I guess with all the chaos, she got cuckoo and fell right in. If it hadn't been for a passing neighbour seeing her and yanking her out - she might have drowned this time for sure! Devann took her to their house by the fireplace (propane) and got her all shipshape... silly Darla!!! It got dark pretty quickly and I started to really panic about my house too. Here is a great neighbour (the one I bought the canoe from actually ) who went way out of his way to help. He went up to the marina, got a ladder, threw it up, and scurried right on top of my house and brushed off all the snow... he's my hero!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's hard to see - but my house was about one inch from taking in water....leetle too close for me. Here are some cuties climbing up the neighbour's house ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** No one had a key to this house, as it is for sale, so they had to climb over the roof and into a deck to clear out the snow. Craziness (we are now going to make sure someone gets a key) The fire guys went and brought over a boat with a generator to pump water on to the roofs - it was a slow process - I think shoveling would have worked faster really - but these guys like their hoses I guess. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** So things wrapped up late last night. We moved as much stuff off the sinky side of the sinky house (she is away on holidays til Saturday) and pumped a lot of the water out. It seems to be holding on for now. I am not sure what is happening. A diver really needs to get here quickly and get some more floatation under it. I think someone needs to figure out exactly what happened - there have been some things that have gone on lately that are suspicious to me - the moving of the houses during construction didnt help and now this one has a new double anchoring system which to me, doesn't sound like it works. The new fingers all were tipping over due to bad attachments to the new dock, several people have broken loose with the new chaining system.... lots of crap that needs to be addressed. Today the wind and rain was so bad, I thought for sure if we didn't sink from the snow, surely we'd blow over from the wind. It was very disconcerting, going out ever 30 minutes or so to make sure we were still hooked up and nothing was going to blow away. Neighbours have all been great - we are the only ones without alternate power, propane, wood stove, etc - so we hung out and cooked dinner at a neighbours and got warm for awhile. But we are all fine now. We are going to have a meeting Sunday probably to work out a better plan for hopefully no reason at all - usually when great contingencies are made, you don't need them. I think I need ear plugs now though - my freezer sounds like the entire drum section of every single high school marching band is in my kitchen... its majorily freaking out and I guess in need of repair ... sigh... off to try to sleep - major headache... again... i know I gotta look into this, just stress i guess....have my meeting with the farm dude tomorrow and I'm not prepared... sigh... so will take some meds and hopefully get a second wind. thanks for all your well wishes yesterday - very much appreciated still hanging on tight bugzy |
| We had a huge snow storm and one of the float house here almost sank. It was very scary, we had lots of gorgeous firemen here helping, but even I couldn't stop to appreciate them and let me tell you I was not looking my best - covered heat to toe in snow and soaked and frozen solid. Our community pulled together like I have never seen ... people who lived on boats came over to help, everyone was out, shoveling snow, climbing on ladders, making coffee, passing ropes, hauling generators and hoses - we ran out of power have way through - which was not good!! My house was about one inch from taking in water, when one very brave neighbour climbed right up on top of my very slippery metal roof and shoveled the snow off just in time. It was very scary....we are fine now. We have limited power, there is no power around at all, except our dock has lights, no heat or enough to run my laptop, but dev's puter is still working. They are out still now shoveling snow but it is raining very hard and so the snow is melting, thank God. We are safe and relatively warm. We have a lot to be thankful for and we are going to meet later today to write the paper and thank the firemen, and set up a meeting of all of us here to try and plan for if this ever happens again as we were all quite lost. A float house has not sank since 1996. I can see the one that is still very tippy from here (the folks are away on holidays if you can imagine) and it is still hanging on and i dont think it's taking on more water - I think they are out now trying to secure it more, but I am thinking a diver will have to come and try to add some floatation. Ok this was long - I have more info I will share later if we get power - I did take some pictures amidst the chaos ( always a wanna be reporter )! take care all xo bugzy |
| Okay so I had this plan to make this my one last super rah rah rah go nano mites go blog,this being the last day of the whole yahdeeyahdeedoodad thing.. and there are sooooooo many super writing champs out there to celebrate.... and others to encourage to pile on the last of their crap for the final stretch and all that.....but alas......something just happened that has me so upset, I lost total focus. I have been reclassified. We know there are sexual beings that come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and preferences, homosexuals, bisexuals, transsexuals, heterosexuals, asexuals ... did I get them all?? But here is one that you probably have never heard of.... "autosexual" This terminology was first classified by our dear friend and now bug sex expert Special Kay and loosely means: One who has sex with a battery operated boyfriend (aka: Bob)sigh.. so that's it folks. I really do surrender this time (yesterday was just a ruse) Tonight I really feel the end is near. I think I'll have Anyea write my eulogy. (after her birthday party of course)help bugzy |
| You know... I am getting old, closer now to 50 (yikes) than 40. I have done quite a lot in my life. I have faced many challenges. I moved out from my parents at a young age and I have been pretty damn independent my whole life. I had shit happen when I was growing up, I have had shit happen since. Not as much as some and perhaps more than others. I have struggled being a mom... I sucked at it for a long time. I have winged it, faked it, lost it, found it - you name it I tried it. I did things I swore I'd never do... I quit sometimes when I shouldn't have and kept going sometimes when I thought I should have quit. I get up, and put one foot in front of the other many days when I don't want to. I have tried to teach my kids things. How to have an open mind. How to question the answers. Not to just be followers but to strive for more. To be compassionate and steadfast friends. I admit when I fuck up and we celebrate our triumphs together. They know they can talk to me and they do. They confide in me as much as they probably should - maybe a little too much. I support them in following their dreams - not what I dream for them. I watch them but I don't smother them. I refuse to nag anymore - I gave that up. It doesn't work for me, I don't like who I become when I nag, so I don't. Probably should do that more. Dev and I had too many rules for a few years enforced on us - so perhaps at this moment in time, we have too few. I struggle to balance still - going from one extreme to another. My family thinks I spoil her.. I know I do. And I am okay with that. I think more children should be spoiled - we don't do that well enough I don't think. So Dev has a fair amount of freedom. I used to be much more controlling over her time, her activities, her schedule, her day. Now we try to schedule ourselves and after a day or two it goes out the window. We are failing at that these days. Having her home for schooling works for me and her (most days) I love having her around - we're good for each other. But I guess deep down I feel like after being a single mom for most of my life and even when I was in a relationship I was the one to do the work - to take care of my kids. I think now after all this time - I deserve a break. I deserve peace and quiet. I deserve tranquility and a bit of ease. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I feel like I've paid my debt so to speak. So, please, please, please tell me that even after spending hundreds of dollars in voice lessons and music lessons and band practice and purchasing instruments... why oh why, day after day, night after night, do I have to be subjected to a 15 year-old's singing at the top of her lungs with her headset on her ears? And why for God's sake does it sound like someone is massacring a chicken - no a FLOCK of chickens right over my head?? Why please tell me - why are songs like Get Buck In Here by Akon bj Felli Fel something or another -- SO popular that they have to be played on repeat over and over and over and over and over. Here's a clip - just so you can really share in my pain and suffering and understand exactly where I am coming from http://youtube.com/watch?v=DBQ8EIWp4Rs&feature=related I think I'll need therapy again to recover from this abuse - or heavy duty earplugs - or medication or maybe I need to just leave Dev here and move back in with my mother. This is going to require something drastic... I am not sure what But I am throwing in the towel... I surrender. She wins. I'm done waaaa bugzy |
| was going to make a pass - as my head is pounding, but then our sweet talented friend Anyea made me this little prezzie so I had to post it here ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Isn't that the coolest? What a gal... she's busy woofing her cookies but still managed to make this prezzie for me.. she has taken mutli-tasking to a whole new level. And then there's me....I can barely attach a clip art pic here - so this kinda stuff blows my mind... I tried for hours to make an audio file today to burn on CD - oh forget it.. I gave up on that! Maybe that's how my headache started. Ok a quick update on my meeting with Providence Farm today about my book idea.... drum roll please........ IT WENT AWESOME Yup.. he loved it. We chatted for over an hour - he said a ton of stuff, which my brain cannot translate to my fingers right now - but in a nutshell - he was meeting with his Board of Directors tonight (ok can't NOT say the timing here was PERFECT .. after the meeting last week got postponed and I got all in a funk... it was rescheduled for the same day as the board meeting - which is unbelievable as he gets to present it while he is still stoked about it... yup... pretty damn cool) He thinks it will take at least a year if not longer, he said I was very professional (shhhhh dont tell otherwise) he LOVED the proposal (thanks again galinago and terryjroo for helping out with that!!) and he thinks we can get the money.... lots of other 'coincidences' like he just told a guy last week that he should write some of his stories down about the farm - and the guy said - .. yah I need someone to interview me.. and voila... here I am!!! Yupppers....and he is even thinking of doing not one book but two... uhuh!! *does the I'm in the money dance* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * okay back -- took a break to watch a download I found of "Animal Farm" with Dev since she had to read the book for school - but it was messed and even had a sex scene which diverted enough from the book that Dev got annoyed and left.. so hmmmmm oh well.But my head is a bit better so that's good. I am going to work on my book idea some more now - Galli had a great idea of trying to offer some advance sales of the book as a way to start a cash flow (smart lawyer) So I'm going to do a draft of a letter so I can feel like I am doing something while I wait not so patiently to hear how the meeting went. The Farm guy wants to meet next week anyway and Saturday I am going to go volunteer at their christmas festival - so that should be fun. Well I guess that's it for now.... I am pretty optimistic about this venture it will be great to have a steady gig doing something that makes my heart sing - so it's all super good. Thanks to you all for your support and endless encouragment cheers bugz |
| Tonight I listened in on a conference call. It’s funny because it was supposed to be last week, but I didn’t get the passcode in time, so I missed it and was a bit sad, but thought, oh well. Then earlier today, I received an email saying that last week’s call didn’t happen as planned and it was on for tonight. So I forgot about it, of course, then 3 minutes before it was supposed to start, I happened to flip by the email again, so called in. It was called, Change Your Love Life Forever and was hosted by Marie Diamond. Now trust me, that although I have been known to be a bit airy-fairy in the past, I am not so much more into that at the moment. But something said, give it a go, so I did. And I am glad. It was lovely. It was an hour and started with a very, sweet meditation. I have not meditated for… umm.. a long time, so just to get quiet and breathe and just listen was perfect for me tonight. Although I will not do this justice…. Here to the best of my recollection is how it sort of went….. Close your eyes. Get comfortable, relax, and take a few minutes to just breathe. Bring your awareness to your breath. Breathe in and out through your nose, filling your belly. With each exhalation, feel your body let go, sink down and surrender. Feel yourself surrounded by a rose-coloured energy – the energy of love. Feel it surround your whole body and breathe it right inside you. Allow yourself to let go. Let go of all love that you have lost. Let go of all love that you have offered that has not been accepted. Let go of all love you have received that you have not been able to accept. Let go of any feeling that you may hold inside of not being able to accept love. Let go of all disappointments of loves past. Bring in rose energy to your eyes. Cover your eyes with your hands if you like. Bring this energy right into your eyes to allow yourself to really see love. If you cannot see love, then how will you know how to accept it? You need to see what love looks like, in order to accept it, in order for it to manifest. Breathe the ability to see love right in through your eyes. Open your eyes to accepting and manifesting love. Now bring in rose energy to your ears. Cover your ears with your hands and feel the energy opening up your ears and your hearing. If you cannot hear what love sounds like, how will you know if someone is saying they love you? You need to open this part of you, so you can accept loving words that are offered to you and bring love into your being. Next bring in the rose energy to your nose. Breathe it right into your body. If you do not know what love smells like, how will you know what it is. Breathe in the love of the loving scents of roses or flowers or a perfume that brings love. Let your senses open and accept and receive love that is offered to you. Place your hands over your mouth now and bring the rose energy into the sense of taste. Know what love tastes like, what it is like touching your lips, your tongue, your mouth. Take that energy and open up your sensations and allow yourself to be accepting of love in its goodness. Now, place your hands anywhere on your body, so you can feel the rose energy of love permeate your skin. Allow your body to feel the love you want. Bring that love to any part of your body that craves touch, where you can feel love, where you want to feel loved. Your skin should feel alive, all over, your toes, you thighs, your belly, your breasts, your throat, your neck, wherever you crave that feeling. Open yourself up to loving touch. True, deep love should surround us completely: our physical bodies, our emotional and mental bodies and our spiritual bodies. Feel this loving rose energy first surround your physical body. Breathe it right into the pores of your skin from the tips of your toes all the way up to the top of your head. Visualize this loving rose coloured energy permeating through your whole body. Next take that energy and expand out about 3 inches away from your body and surround yourself and your emotional body. Feel the love calmly and gently relax your emotional well being. Allow your emotions to calm, relax and settle. Then expanding away again 3 inches, allow your mental well being to also be surrounded and calmed by this energy. Feel your thoughts transpiring, allow thoughts of gentle, supportive, and true love calm your mind and release any fears. Lastly bring that energy to where you feel your spiritual body. Some feel it over their heads, others in the heart chakra,or their third eye – where ever you feel your connection – either place your hands there or just visualize this loving energy surrounding you, calming you and bringing you to the highest level of love. Allow your thoughts to shift. When we feel the love for ourselves inside, then we can attract the true love we really deserve. When we can feel, touch, taste, smell and see love – then we will know when it arrives. When we radiate love, we attract it. We must start with ourselves and by completing an inner Feng Shui of balance then we open ourselves up more to what is out in the world for us. If on a scale from 1 to 10, we only love ourselves as a 3, then we will only attract love at a 3. When we truly learn to love ourselves as a 10, then we will attract the powerful love we deserve of a 10. Our senses are the bridge between ourselves and the world. If our eyes are closed off from love, then how will we see it? We will miss our one true love, because we cannot see. If you cannot hear the sounds of love, we must prepare our ears to be open to hearing it. If our taste is closed off, we cannot savour the meals prepared for us with love. If our sense of smell is not open, we will not smell the lusciousness of perfume, or flowers or the scent of love that may be surrounding us. If our bodies are shut down, our skin closed off, we cannot allow the sensualness of touch to bring us love. All parts of us must remain open to experience the fullness of love. If your feelings are open, but your physical body is closed – then all the aspects of love cannot be transmitted or received. If in a relationship it is closed off to what the other partner is giving – you may be together but not open to each other You can have a love in your life but maybe it is dull and boring – do the exercise of opening your senses, open yourself to love – don’t close it off That is why people reconnect on vacations – they open their energy more, open their skin, and their senses. It takes work, changing a love, and having a good attitude is important. It’s more valuable to open yourself to love If you have had bad experiences… get over it – we are evolving through our experiences. As we move forward, we let go of some one. That doesn’t mean the next one wont be better. To make it better, stay out of the pain, the anger, the sadness, and refocus on love What is inside you.... will reflect on the outside. Your world is your mirror. Start inside bringing in the love and you will reflect it outside. If you say things like, “The man in my life is my dog.” Then that will be the truth. Reframe that and be open to receiving ‘exactly’ what you want in your life. Look around your home and your surroundings and ask yourself, “Is my home open to romance or it is the home that would attract a monk?” Is it warm, inviting, or sterile, too perfect and cold? Warm colour, rose, pink, red, magenta are connected to romance. Make a shift and put out candles, yellow colours, lights, blankies. Put two plates at the dinner table instead of one – be open to another coming and sharing your space. Have two pillows in your bed instead of one. Say, I want someone to sleep with me, be part of my life, day and night Tell universe that you want it. In order to change your love life forever, you have to change forever. Say these love affirmations to yourself – out loud or silent: I am open for my true love I am in love, with a wonderful partner I allow myself to be open to receive love The timing is now This is the time to change my love life forever The time is now to let go of all my previous experiences in romance and to open myself to true love, that will support me physically emotionally mental and spiritually. That is what romance is – to have fulfillment in all four levels – to feel supported and loved, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually The time is now for that “I will do all the right things to change myself now, too open myself to love” There are six colours of love: Rose: which means an open heart Pink: allowing love in your life, romance Ruby red: for balance, for feeling fulfilled, ying yang, to be with a partner Cherry red: for passion – which can be on many levels, enthusiasm, physical and looking in eyes and seeing sparkles, doing something together that can make a difference Fuchsia: means collaboration, working together, supporting each other spiritually, growing and working together in family or business Magenta: is for peace, always finding emotional peace in your partner, someone holding you when you are having a hard time, or in need, holding you for who you really are. Having love in your life makes you fulfilled. I wish for all of you to have that love – with a partner, or just within yourself. I hope you feel as warm, and fuzzy and loved as I do right now. Blessings bugz |
| Well not really what I was going to blog about - although I don't really have anything else to blog about right now - so okay, this IS what I am going to blog about... okay, be quiet now bugz and just blog.......... A friend of mine is dealing with a very tough issue right now. A family member who has an addiction, has relapsed. It's getting intense. There's a long history there - and that is not really the point, the point is, my friend is faced with the decision to enact - "tough love." I am no expert in this field that is for sure. I did date someone who was an addict - and so I read up on what my position was supposed to be. The only thing I ever figured out was that I was in a lose-lose no matter what I did. I could nag and bug and crap at him, when he used. Or I could ignore it, or I could enable it. But regardless of what "I" did, or didn't do, I was in a bad position all around. I did the easy thing - and got out.... months later, finding empty mickies in my closet....that made me cry big time!! It was a shame, he was a smart guy, very talented, funny, very good looking, but..... I just couldn't do it. So I quit. I guess I didn't have that much vested in that relationship - we hadn't gone out that long. And I had my kiddies to worry about ( although they loved him!) I couldn't risk it with them nor did I want to put them through any of his crap. But. it's a totally different story when it happens to someone you love dearly and have a long, committed relationship with. Then what the hell are you supposed to do? Not a TV goer, I did see a show last year or so, while I was staying at my mom's called - Intervention - or something like that. Where people got together and somehow invited the person who was the addict, and they tried to get them in rehab, saying they were no longer going to support their behaviour. That show killed me to watch so I only watched it once. That was enough for me! I think that has to be one of the hardest things, anyone would have to deal with in their life... to basically tell the person they love, they are not going to support them or help them in anyway, anymore. I cannot imagine that pain. You love them, but you have to decide, you cannot sit by and watch them destroy their lives, nor are you go to enable them in anyway. Then you have to set them free. You have to let them go - let them make their own choices completely. Probably knowing that they are going to continue to make the same bad ones. Knowing, they may just do something completely irreversible. I think some would say that tough love is the way to go. But I don't think that would be an easy road to travel at all. I don't think anyone would really know what to do or how painful it would be, unless faced with that decision in their own family. I am not sure I could do it. I don't think I'd have the courage. I cannot imagine having to make that decision. I have no advice to give my poor friend. I have no idea what to say to ease their pain... or to console them in anyway. And it breaks my heart. All I can do is offer my love and support and be there for them to vent and cry. I wish I had more answers. It makes me sad beyond belief. I am sad for them, and I am sad for their family member. Both are suffering and it is not going to get any better any time soon. I have absolutely nothing in my life to complain about. Nothing compares to that. I hereby quit complaining. That's the best I can do. blessings bugzy |
| Well my meeting with the Farm for Thursday morning was postponed until Tuesday. That put me in a quite funk, which pretty much lasted most of the day. Of course, once one thing disappointing happens to me, I can pile other insignificant crap right on top, til I'm drowning in poop. This time was no exception. A few people tried to cheer me up, but I wasn't about to listen to reason, I was in a funk and wanted to stay there. But around 430pm, my American neighbours invited me to their Thanksgiving dinner. Which was really sweet. I forced myself to go, and I am glad I did. Dinner was great - and had I stayed home, I would have had a peanut butter cookie and instead I got the whole turkey deal, without the turkey of course. She was very sweet and said she made lots of extra veggies and a huge salad just for me! Had a nice time chatting and met a very cool couple - they met when they were 15 here where I live and then stayed together til they were 18. Then they separated until they were 46, then met up again in England and now they moved back here and they are married. It's a long and very romantic story and I asked if I could interview them and they said sure. So I will call them and write an article for the local paper. I think that will be very inspiring... made me all smiley inside and reinstated my thoughts on true love. They sure are cute together  So today I was.. okay. I was thinking tonight, what happened to me yesterday - and I think I figured out part of it. I think what I do, is that I expect things to happen on my timetable and for things to happen when and how I want them. I don't consider others and what may be going on with them. I have my agenda and I want to stick to it. I have a lot riding on this meeting and book idea (probably too much) and when things didn't happen like I expected I got pissy. It's the same in other areas as well. I need to remember and consider others as well and not be so selfish. Yah... so that's that. I am going to use the next few days, to do more research and look for some potential publishers. I can always go ahead and try to write the book following traditional methods, even if the Farm doesn't buy in. At the dinner, last night, a few people suggested that several similar books could be written about other places around here that have lots of history. So that got my brain going - and so we'll see. I hope you are all still enjoying your time off and that those who did that 'shopping frenzy thing' survived and bought me lots of cool stuff! yahoo.. I may hate shopping, but I sure love getting prezzies!! Alright, off to chill (or get warm) as we had no power all day and my house got dammmmnnnnn cold. But heat's on now, and snuggling in for a night with some hunky dude in the movie "Amazing Grace". Makes me grateful for cute boys... sigh. nite nite all... see you soon cheers bugz |
| Well like DL Bach ’s blog mentions, why is it we need one day a year to give thanks? Well even though I'm Canadian and did my one day already, I am still super happy to jump on the ole American bandwagon and give thanks again. Although, I must say I am pretty good at giving thanks more than on the designated day.....this list is going to be a tad different. I say thanks to you folks all the time but this one will be special just for you all. So pour an eggnog or a shot or a cafe au lait, sit back and feel appreciated.....here's to you all... cheers!! Ski -ster : one of my first, and dearest friend on here, who has saved my sanity, and my life countless times over Debi Wharton : just ‘cause she calls me sugar and has such a cutie southern accent, I want to meltEagle~The Cowboy's Wife : for keeping secrets (and no I can’t tell or it wouldn’t be a secret.. duh)plafleur: for sharing secrets (see )sweett:for sharing boy talk – very, very, very important! terryjroo : crap – IMing til all hours, helping me more than anyone should have to help a friend – a real doll (ok and she knows a few secrets of mine too shhhhh)Nada : just for saying the exact right things at the exact right moments, every single damn time – how does she do that??emmyloo: for even in a short time, sharing her stories and making me feel like we know each other already *Barbara Maria* : for cooking for us and making me giggle countless times over and over. She is a beauty.Kåre Enga in Montana  :awwww for writing poems about me… gosh of a different kindfleckgirl: not enough space here – my true sister… I don’t know where I’d be without her SouthernDiva : another kind soul - wish she quit hanging with her ‘friend’ and damn well blog more though  Special Kay : for playing in the pumpkin patch, writing hiakus in the night and for being funny and yah, just a really great gal (((hug)))Chanon  : we are soul sisters – for asking for me, and letting me ‘know’ that I’m going to be okay and that by the end of the year, all will be settled. She knows what this means and I love herBeautyFromAshes : okay – this one… tough to summarize in a line or two – inspirational… there, that says it all – day after day, without failGrifter : cute, sweet, funny, courageous, AND single – go figure!galinago: just gotta love this oneLorien : for showing me a part of the world that although confuses the hell out of me, makes me feel smarter just to read it (even if I don’t understand)Anyea : for her talent and sweetness – which I think comes because she eats a hell of a lot of chocolate!Deelyte- Chillin' : sure miss this cutie, but when she’s around the whole place lights upDavid McClain : for showing us we can still grow, learn and change and find our true lovesccstring for actually inspiring me to go shopping! destinydances : for trusting me with her stories that melt my heartMrs. Whatsit : for so much, but mostly for the chocolate pie she is going to make me!!Dave Gordon : for being my buddy, for sharing his world with humour, style and erotic mushrooms that just send my heart a flutter!alfred booth, wanbli ska .: for poetry, wisdom, vision and supportWren : for her compassion and wisdomNikola~Ugh Summer! : for determination, courage and for treats she is going to make me too! ( I see a theme here)Sweets : ok, has to be for making me laugh the hardest I ever have in my life when blogging about losing her glasses... man still cracks me up! Thea : for sharing cocktails, joy, passion and sexinessscarlett_o_h: oh gosh, for reminding me to remind her what sex is.. again and again – so I don’t forget either! : for making me think I was cuckoo when she changed her handle – hang on that’s not sounding too good – ok for making me realize I am not cuckoo when she changed her handle . Now I’m confusedhdelphyne: for indescribable shared visions, we are kindred spirits and she bakes damn fine cookies ljkam; comments late at night in my blog that make me feel supported and give me courage and make me want to carry on. I just told Fleck yesterday, I don’t know what I would have done without all of you in my life. I feel gratitude with every pore of my soul and you all have special places in my heart… HEY.. that’s why my tummy keeps getting bigger Love to all of you and your families and I wish for all of you peace, happiness, joy and don’t you feel at all guilty for killing those poor, cute, defenseless turkeys so you can all get fat bellies and then pass out on your couches!! gobble gobble – may your turkeys get lucky and you all get stuffed! Or the other way around!Cheers to you all bugz |
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