Who am I, Where am I Going, and Where have I been? The story of my life!
Jan 11, 2007|
Today, I start attempting to keep one of my goals this year. To write daily. A little about me. I'm a 35 year old mother of 2, married for almost 15 years. I live in urban Indiana and currently stay at home and am a full time student. What makes me different from anyone else? Not much. lol...I have a strange sense of humor. I love to read. I love to sing. I like to play online. I lost both of my parents 6 years ago. Each year things get easier, except in a way they also get harder. Only somone who has been there will have any clue what I mean.
Why am I here? I feel compelled to write. A few years ago my husband and I took a bible study course at church called Disciple 1. Awesome Awesome study. 34 weeks, 80% of the bible. At the begining we had to discuss why we were there...my pat answer was to learn more abou the bible. Funny thing was, in the end, I'd learned a whole lot more. I learned I could have a personal relationship with God. I learned alot of things. I learned about spiritual gifts....and in the end of that study, we had to get up and give a testimony about our time in disciple and what we had learned....my first entry will be that testimony I shared with our congregation that day...the only changes I've made are to remove names.
My plan for this journal/blog is to just talk about me, my daily life, my kids, and whatever God puts on my heart. Pray for me that I may be obedient in this.
Check out these links! Pleeeease :)
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I look forward to touching base with whomever stops in....
God's blessing on you
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One of these days I will learn to keep my mouth shut. For anyone who knows me....they know this is highly unlikely. While I'm a bit shy until you get to know me, I'm rarely quiet and have an opinion on many things. I will keep it to myself if I'm concerned with offending someone, but even that depends on the topic. Where is this going...lol, you may be sorry you asked.
This afternoon we were driving down the road and C (my 10 year old) saw 2 horses in a fenced off area on the side of the road. We've seen these horses many times and my kids watch for them. This time however the male of the duo was in the act of trying to convince the female to procreate. My daughter, with terror in her voice says "Mom, those horses are fighting!" Now, she's 10 and we've had a few discussions of where babies come from and the changes in her body etc...but the look on her face when I advised her they were not fighting, and she realized exactly what was going on was priceless. And then it was ewwww, that's gross, why did you tell me that. For the record, all I had told her at that point was that they weren't fighting. However, my response to her was, did you want me to lie to you? LOL...she said, well, I'm never doing that, I'm never having kids, I"m adopting. This is the point at which I should have kept my mouth shut. Because I wanted her to understand and grow up with a sense of what goes on, because I'm stupid and thought she needed to have a clearer picture, I said "Babies are not the only reason people do that sweetheart" The look on her face was one of confusion. "What else for?" BIG SIGH FROM MOM...how do you explain this to a child of 10 who I want to remain pure and yet want to have an accurate understanding of what's going to be going on in her own head and her own mind in a few years. So, I started at square one, replied that as far as I knew, animals did that to procreate, well the ones that don't lay eggs...this produced many giggles. Because actually what I said was, chickens bodies don't join together because they lay eggs. And then she said, why did you have to use chickens mom? I told her because I was looking for something to explain that laid eggs....she says in quite the haughty tone"what about birds" Ok, so birds laying eggs instead of copulating is less funny than chickens to a 10 year old...lol...I then tried to explain that sex is a gift from God to married people and it's used to bond married people together. And that's why it happens for just more than making babies. I also advised her that while it's not just for making babies, babies can happen at any time from it and there are consequences from those actions...and that's another reason that it is for married people. I'm not sure how well I did, she let it drop and so did I. It's such a struggle to find the openings to share without giving too much information. And yet...
Early in my marriage, that area of our lives was not such a good thing. I came in carrying baggage, having a rather warped view of the marriage bed. My beloved was my first but I didn't have a good understanding of alot of things....I was young and it took quite a few years to fix the mistakes we made. One of the reasons I had a bit of confusion was my own parents attitudes towards the marriage bed and I want my daughter to know that sexuality between 2 adults is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God. I also want her to be firm enough in who she is and where she is going to wait until she's old enough to appreciate that gift. I want her to be secure and focused. I also don't want her running scared from talking to me....lol
And they tell me it only gets worse.
Mind you, I'm thankful we can have these conversations...but I find myself at a loss....
Anybody know of any good books, Christian in nature, to explain things to her better...pre teen level....that will give the basics but also the attitude and beliefs I'm trying to get across?
Ok, are you ready? I am going to make a confession about one of the major flaws of my character. It's one I wasn't even aware of until a couple of years ago when our pastor (thanks PK) pointed it out to me in a counseling session. What's more, he was quite disbelieving of the fact that I was unaware of this tragic flaw. Are you sure you want to know? Ok, deep breath
I. am. a. control. freak.
There it is for all to see. I actually am fairly mellow on some things. But in reality I very much have control issues. I don't like change and I don't like things to go against my plan. Some days I handle it very well, others, like a baby.lol
I gave birth to a little control freak...actually 2 of them, but one of them has had more time to revel in it...she one day will rule the world...she thinks. :) She wants to be president so that she can outlaw smoking and put prayer back in schools. I love her dearly and while I understand that these are things dear to her heart, I will be happy if one day I can help her understand that things are not just black and white. There are all sorts of gray in the middle. And not only are there grays, but what you thought was so right once, may one day seem so wrong. At this point, she just uses her powers of ruling the world on the miniature version of my beloved. Loudly. She believes she is right, he is wrong and she's going to make sure he follows the rules. Today when I advised her that I gave birth to him and it was my job to raise him...she actually looked surprised...Lord above guide me.
OK, I've kind of rambled off of where I meant to be. The fact of the matter is, the kids are home from school today and I miss my beloved because he's at work.. He just started this job a few weeks ago and I'm still adjusting to him not being home. I don't do change well. At least not alot of change at once.
I know, that God is in control of everything. He's taken care of us through so very much how can I doubt it? He's brought us through the fire more times than I can count. Yet, here I sit, worrying about money. I know that God will provide if it's what is in His plan and if it's not in His plan then He will provide the grace and the means for us to do without. Of greatest concern right now is this class my beloved is taking. He has 1 year to finish his degree. We cant' get financial aid because he's only taking one class-he needs two to graduate and working full time and being treasurer doesnt' give him alot of time, AND the other class he needs isn't offered this semester. We are flying on faith that God is going to make away for this to happen if it is HIS will. Scary nonetheless.
Our finances are in God's hands. They have been for about 4 years. Things went downhill a few years ago when my husband lost his job and we found very quickly to look 1 day, sometimes 1 hr at a time. So I know better than to look down the road..but it's very hard. Control issue #1 of many in my life:)
I love my family. I'm greatful for all that God has given me, materially and otherwise. For He is an awesome God. One of my favorite songs is called "The Battle Belongs to the Lord" The last verse is one I claim as my own...'"when the ememy presses in hard do not fear, the battle belongs to the Lord. Take courage my friend your redemption is near. The battle belongs to the Lord. We sing Glory, Honor, Power and Strength to he Lord. We sing, Glory Honor, Power and strength to the Lord"
Praying today for the ability to truly Let Go and Let God.
Peace to you all
|Jan 14, 2007
Hi. Today is one of those days that I just try to get through. And yet, that's not REALLY a fair assesment of today. Today marks 5 years since my dad died. And while I have one friend who I knows, and knows well because it is the 4 year anniversary of her father's death, no one else really seems to know, notice, or care. I know that's not true but it's how I feel. Today, like most days, no one seems to recognize the whole in my heart. My father was not a rocket scientist, a doctor, a peace keeper or anything that society would call important. He wasn't even always a good dad. He had his issues, especially when I was a child. But as I grew to adulthood we grew closer. I miss him greatly. I miss talking to him. I miss being able to bat my eyelashes at him and get what I want...I miss his laugh. My father was a severe dyslexic, did not read above a first grade level. He walked with a steel plate in his hip due to being born with a disease that ate the ball and socket. He was overweight and was treated as if he was retarded as a child...because 65 years ago, if you couldn't read, you were considered retarded. But my father was a good man who loved me. He had his issues. He and my sister didn't speak for years before his death and she even today doesn't care that he's gone. But I loved him. I miss him. And I hate that my son will never know him.
And yet, I have to be amazed at God. Who gave me a friend, who I can walk through these days with. We worked together when my dad died. Then I went on maternity leave and her dad died a couple of months later. I could hardly believe it when she called and told me. Each year on this day we call each other. We support each other and remind each other that we aren't walking through this alone. Thanks NAN ( you know who you are) for being my rock and sharing this pain and yours with me. I praise God for giving me someone who knows EXACTLY what it's like to walk this path.
Well, too much to do today to sit here. I'll write more tomorrow.
|Jan 13, 2007
Here I sit, in answer to your question, I did not go to the meeting. I had a long discussion with a very good friend who said that she didn't think it was a good idea to go. She said she understood what I was feeling and why and that I needed to have a one on one with this particular person and let them know how it made me feel and that she would have felt the same way. But, had I taken my kids, I would have heard every noise, would have wondered if when they were loud if people were looking at me, etc..and while that's me being self concious....I wouldn't have been paying attention to the meeting. She knows me well. So my beloved went, and my friend went and she will voice my concerns (and hers). One of my biggest concerns is that we are trying to grow a church. We are trying to feed the community spiritually and if you bring the community in, and you want them to stay and you want them to serve...you have to allow for them to bring their kids to meetings. How big of a deal is it to provide childcare for meetings. We have some awesome youth. We have a nursery care coordinator. We have others who might be willing to volunteer. I just think it's something that needs to be thought about. Not for me, though I'm included in that population who needs childcare for church functions at times. ANYWAY I'm rambling. Trying to mellow, trying to let it go. It'll be fine and will work out in the end. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to go be part of planning and dreaming, getting to voice my ideas...but it's not like I can't voice my ideas at another time and I prayed about it. If God had wanted me to be there, He would have made a way.
Other than that, there's not much on my agenda today. I need to do some cleaning, need to get my tree down (yes, it's still up...lol) My beloved will be home in a bit and we have some runnng to do. DH is taking a college course to finish up his degree and we have to go get the book. If he can get my van to run right...uggh....
Lots of ramblings this morning...maybe I'll be back later and add or fix it.
Sat evening update-my van did get fixed! We went and got my beloved's text book for his class and went to dinner and then shopping at Goodwill-I got a lot of clothes for the kids very cheap and a few other things and am feeling pretty good this evening. Our God is an awesome God and I have a small miracle (is any miracle truly small?) to share but I want to wait until tomorrow's journal because it will take a bit to explain.
note to self-small miracle is about what J found for my beloved in Goodwill.
Blessings and sweet dreams
|Entry 2 for 1/12/07
Today I am angry. Didn't really wake up that way. But at this point I would like to run away. The fact that I have 2 sleeping children (I babysit to add to our meager income..this allows me to stay home, and that is my joy) and that 2 more (my 10 year old princess and another child I watch) within about 5 minutes is not a good thing. I don't feel patient. I dont't want to deal with arguing and whining.
What am I angry about you ask? Are you sure you want to know? If not, back up now because otherwise you are going to get an earful (or an eyeful as the case may be)
Well, for starters...the anniversary of my dad's death is this Sunday. I'm moody and emotional anyway. I'm not coping as well as I'd like and that makes me impatient and a bit angry. But if you'd like to know more about that you can go read "The Void" another of my ramblings.
I'm angry, a bit, because of a carry over from last night. I had a meeting at church. I had to take both C and J because my beloved had an eye dr's appointment straight from work. C and J (10 and4 respectively) stuck, in the nursery, by themselves, for 2 hours. Can you imagine, even NOT knowing my children, how many interruptions there were? The noise, the arguing, and the sweetness of J coming out, just to give me a kiss...almost made it worth it. Now, I will say this and I will repeat it later. I LOVE my church family. We live in a small town. It's a close knit group. But a very loving and welcoming group. We've belonged to this church for 3 years (and prior to moving to Ohio 10 years ago-we rejoined when we came back) Anyway....I am on the Worship Committee....when I agreed to be on the Worship Committee it sounded like fun. And it can be. And no offense to anyone on that committee...but it seems like we have discuss everything to death. Regardless, new chairperson, new year, new things to discuss....2 HOURS LATER (the meeting started at 6:30 pm) I interrupted the meeting and said I had to leave. It was passed J's bedtime and we hadn't had supper before we left because my beloved wasn't home yet either and so we opted for a late dinner...guarantee that won't happen next time. Golly. In the process of leaving I talked to our pastor and told him I didn't think I'd be at the planning/dreaming meeting tomorrow. I want to be but don't have a babysitter. He told me that he thought our nursery care coordinator was going to be there but to call the church office today. Which I did. On to my next vent.
Last Sunday, having known about this meeting coming up on Sat I asked the adminstrative council leader if there was going to be childcare. After all, the memo I got asked for all committee members, planners and dreamers and I am a dreamer and a committee member and so is my beloved. He said no. I said, ok, guess I wont' be there. He didn't really seem to care and that hurt my feelings but I let it go. It's not that I expect anyone to provide childcare for me....but you prevent many people who might otherwise come from joining if childcare is not provided...not just me. Well, last night when I told our pastor that I wouldnt' be there on Sat because of no childcare and he said there would be but to call and make sure...I told him what the admistrative leader had said. He really didn't want any kids there, too many distractions, too much going on. Pastor said to call and check and I did. What I found out is that it's all going crazy. I don't know if there is going to be childcare or not, the admin leader is not happy because the nursery person said she'd do it...and didn't ask him. I don't want to cause trouble. I'm hurt and I'm angry because it feels personal and whether it is or not doesn't matter right now. I'm trying to be in prayer about it and handle it all the best and most Christian way possible but it hurts. I don't HAVE to go. But I want to go. I want to be part of this vision of growth! I want to work with our church in planning things and discussing how to reach the community. I have a hunger to be there. Do I submit to church authority and not go, giving in to what the leaders feel is best in regards to any children being there or not (which I do understand to a point) Or do I go in, following my heart and allow trouble to continue because there will be anger on all sides. Stay tuned for my decision, I'm not sure what it will be.
Today is not going so well. It's not that anything has really gone WRONG but I am in a mood. But we'll get to that in a minute.
First, I want to share with you a little about myself and my family. I am almost 34 years old and while some women at my age start dreading the years, I really could care less. I mean it! While I will admit that as a child I was known to make sure everyone knew I was 10 and a half...or ALMOST 15, as the years creep by....it just doens't bother me. That I haven't done more with the years that I have had, does. I have been married for 13 years to a wonderful man. Yes, if you subtract things correctly, I got married at 20. Probably too young, but we've defied the odds and are stil madly in love. We've had more than our share of ups and downs and many many blessings as well. We have 2 children who on any given day can be counted as blessings or ups and downs depending on their behavior and our moods..lol....serioulsy though anyone who knows us knows we do believe we are blessed by having our children. That said let me introduce you to them. Up first is my princess. C is 10 years old, conceived during an Ohio blizzard in 1005, born in 1996. She looks more like me than anyone I think, though she does have some of both grandmothers in her. She is now and always has been a drama queen. There is no nice way around it. Melodramtic to the hilt. God love her, and it's a good thing He is does, she thinks everything that happens to her is a major event (and I have NO idea where she gets that from, honestly..lol. She's really a good kid with a big heart who loves to sing. She's a good student (when forced, I mean encouraged, to study) She loves people, is great with adults and small GIRL children, and any child who allows her to call the shots. She is strong willed and one day will make a wonderful attorney. If she survives being a preteen. The attitudes have started much to my dismay and things have been a bit bumpy lately. The other night I laid down the law and so far her attitude since has adjusted but I know it's just a matter of time before it rears it's ugly head again. In the meantime, she has a huge potential for greatness that I want so badly to stoke the fires of...if I can only get through puberty without strangling her first..lol..no true threat to the child meant...parents of preteen girls will understand.
Next let me introduce you to J. J was born in 2002, just months after I lost both of my parents. When I prayed on the way home after my mom died that God would give me something sweet and innocent to love...I truly was thinking more along the lines of a puppy...but considering that his conception date is the day my mother died ( and trust me I KNOW that wasn't doing on that day) a friend says Mom must've gotten to heaven and looked up God and told him I needed a baby. Anyone that knows my mom, knows that could very well be true. More about mom in another entry. Back to J. He is the spitting image of his daddy. He acts like his daddy. He is an adorable 4 year old boy, with an impish grin and a zest for life that just takes my breath away sometimes. He is full of energy and never stops. Well, on that occasion that when he is sick enough to run a fever of like 105, hurts himself bad enough to draw blood, or exhausts himself to a point of having sleep. Seriously, when our previous pastor used to bless the kids after communion, he'd ask God to protect J from harm as he RAN through life. PK knew my son would need extra protection from the almighty to survive. In the first 2 years of life, he managed to burn himself 3 times, have 2 surgeries, be diagnosed with allergies and asthma. He takes life on headfirst. He's easygoing, outgoing and very friendly. Unless you get in his space and don't listen to him tell you not to. His sister has learned this the hard way. He bites. Not often, but he bites. Only when she refuses to listen to his words. Not that that makes it right...lol. Anyway, J is in a developmental preschool at the same school that C goes to. They love seeing each other in the hallway. J has some social emotional issues as far as his peers go. Thus the reason he NEEDS preschool. But he does very well for the most part and they love him there. I bought him a tshirt a while back. It says "Master of Disaster" and it's so very true of him. LOL. At first, he hated it and cried. Now he loves it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not...lol. J is a daddy's boy. Likes to be with daddy, play with tools and get dirty. He is one of those kids who will eat just about anything but only when the mood strikes him. Which means he may take 4 bites of supper, be done until the next day. Or he may eat 3 pieces of pizza and half a bag of baby carrots and want more. It just depends. Compared to C who is quite picky about what she eats but eats alot of what she likes most of the time. The differences in my children astound me. He is so mellow he can (and has) run into a wall, head first, so hard as to knock a picture off, and laugh while she stubs her toe and you think, from the howls you might be on the way to the emergency room! She can sit and read a book or watch a movie and cuddle with you for an hour while he thinks he's going to miss something if he has to stop as he runs by to give you a hug. They are my joy, my life, and my heart. They are also my fear, my insanity and make me despair of ever having any calm in my life. Yet I wouldn't change either one of them for all the jewels in the world. However, I do struggle with molding them into who God would have them to be. Anybody with me on that?
|Talking in front of large groups of people is not my forte. However, I’m excited about the chance to share with all of you, the changes God has made in my life since starting disciple. Let me start from the beginning though. I can’t remember a time when God wasn’t part of my life. My mother was a deeply religious woman. I grew up in the Catholic church, went to a parochial grade school and high school. When I was 12, my mom almost died from Congestive heart failure, and I learned then about the power and importance of prayer. When I graduated from high school and went on to the year I spent at ISU, I belonged to Campus Crusade for Christ. I started realizing there was so much I didn’t know. So much that I had been taught was catholic doctrine and not the bible. When Mike and I got married, we started looking for a church, and God led us here. It felt like home from the first time we walked in the door. Then we moved to Ohio…. and it was difficult to find a church that felt right…so we kind of wandered away, God really wasn’t a priority…when my daughter was born, we started going to a church that was across the street from us, and it was nice, we made friends, went to church…. but we didn’t really grow closer to God…I believed…never stopped, always knew God had a plan, prayed pretty much daily…but that’s about it, and even when I prayed…it wasn’t really a connection…. or a conversation…it was a plea for help, or bless this person…it was what I’d grown up doing…..never realized I could get any closer. Throughout all of it, my marriage existed. Some days bad, others good…usually somewhere in between. Everything that happened though, saw our relationship waiver. When my husbands uncle died, we moved back to our current area and we started back here at Cumc. And walking in the doors, felt like home again. Only the church was going through some upheaval itself and we left….tried to find somewhere else but nowhere else made us feel like we belonged. By that point….My husband and I were fighting a lot, working a lot, just plain existing. Some days I wondered if our marriage would make it. And then I would remind myself that God has a plan, and it would all work out. 2 ½ years ago…in many ways, my world fell apart. In January of 2002, my husband showed up at school (where I was working) and told me my dad had died. We buried him, and about a month later, my mom went in the hospital. Now mind you, I grew up, and went through adult hood, knowing my mom could die, pretty much at anytime. Every hospitalization…we wondered, would this be the last. But this one was different, and had a sense from the beginning, that it was the last…..didn’t make it any easier, when 6 weeks after dad died, mom died too. About 2 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with my son. I was an emotional wreck. In many ways, I shut down. I prayed for the baby……but pretty much shut God, and everyone else out…..for quite a while. I was lost, felt alone and abandoned. My husband was my rock. A few months before my son was born, we knew we needed to get back to church…..our daughter needed it, the baby would need it. I didn’t realize, that we needed it. The Sunday the church had the informational disciple meeting…my husband and I had just talked to our pastor about rejoining the church. When he asked us at the door if we were coming down for the meeting….we just looked at each other, shrugged, and said sure….thinking…ok, why not….all we have to do is listen. Hahaha. By the time we left….we were signed up for it. All I can remember thinking….is what have I gotten myself into!!! And I love to read……I really wasn’t sure my husband would make it through it. Lol. The first class was not really what I thought it would be. And when asked the reason I was there….was to learn the bible more…….wanting to be able to know where stuff was, be able to know it more to share it with my kids. It was hard at first, getting in to a routine. Getting the assignment done. And our poor teacher…..we asked so many questions. But as the weeks wore on….our small group, became a family within our church family. We shared things, we wouldn’t have shared anywhere else. Asked for prayer, in a way, we would not have done before. Financially, our family was skating on thin ice…..All of a sudden though, or marriage was not. Though things were scary, we started turning to God, together. Trusting in God, together. And God started making His presence known. One night, crying in the shower, feeling so alone, missing my parents so much….I felt a presence settle over me…and felt, well, the only way I can explain it….is God holding me. My class had already laid hands on me and prayed for me…I was struggling so very much with my grief……now, while I can’t say I no longer grieve…..I can think and talk about my parents without falling apart….I can face holidays and birthdays, without as much dread. But that’s not where it all stops…because that was only the beginning. First of all….reading the assignments stopped being a chore…and started being something I looked forward to doing. Then, while searching at crosswalk.com, trying to find encouragement….one of the verses I pulled up was Luke 12:22-32 which says: Then turning to his disciples, Jesus said, "So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food to eat or clothes to wear. 23 For life consists of far more than food and clothing. 24 Look at the ravens. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! 25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not! 26 And if worry can't do little things like that, what's the use of worrying over bigger things? 27 "Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 28 And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith! 29 And don't worry about food – what to eat and drink. Don't worry whether God will provide it for you. 30 These things dominate the thoughts of most people, but your Father already knows your needs. 31 He will give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. 32 "So don't be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.
That verse just seemed to answer everything we were going through God showed me that He would take care of us on more than one occasion…I remember most strongly….on a Thursday in January….my husband and I both stressing…….things were tight, bills were due, we didn’t know how we were going to make it…and my faith was shaky at best…..and I went into the bathroom and I was in tears, and I prayed for God to let us make it……I was scared and lost and didn’t know what to do….and then I had an answer…..a song came in to my head “God will make a way, where there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me” and then I felt a peace come over me. And I knew, it was going to be ok. I told Mike about it. Although at that point I wasn’t sure whether it was in my mind or what….I’m only now beginning to know when God is talking to me. Anyway….that Sunday….a church member walked up to me with an envelope, a collection that had been taken in the Sunday school class, I believe, and it had been decided to give it to us…..I almost cried. And yet I couldn’t stop grinning…..I’m still not completely comfortable with it, I’m not always sure it’s God and not jus tin my head. …..but I love the connection I feel with the Lord almighty when we talk.
One Sat in Feb, we woke up to no water. As my husband and his dad tried to thaw the pipes, I was finishing my assignment. In reading, I came upon a verse….which I hold as my own. Matthew 21:22 which says If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." I chewed on that all day long. When they came up from the basement, they informed me that although hubby had thought it was the water heater, it was not, the pipes were frozen…..not in the basement but under the ground…and there was nothing we could do until the ground thawed. Ok great. So off we went to bring some water home from a friends and take showers. We came home, put the kids to bed, and I got online. We were both so bummed….and we talked, and decided we could get through….it would be a pain to take showers elsewhere, laundry, have to haul water in…..but it wasn’t the end of the world. Of course….I’m not sure either one of us believed that..lol…honestly if felt like it was going to be the straw that broke the camels back. We’d just had it with so many things hitting us. And I walked in the kitchen, standing with the refrigerator door open, I recalled that verse. And I prayed. I prayed that God would thaw the pipes, that we could have water, that it would only be through Him that the pipes could thaw (keep in mind, it’s Feb and after 10 at night, it was only getting colder)That we were both at a low point and needed Him to fix it for us. I walked back in and sat down at the computer. And all of a sudden I heard water running. All the faucets had been left on from earlier in the day. We had our water back. And it is only through God that we did.
Being in disciple, reading God’s word…..has brought me closer to God, I never knew, you could get closer to God. I grew up, became an adult….didn’t realize that it could be anything more. That knowing God has a plan and praying and going to church weren’t enough. That just believing isnt’ enough. It’s a good start…..but it’s not enough. And you know what…..I don’t ever want to go back to that. I wouldn’t give up any of what we went through, all of the hardships, all of the worry (we still struggle with money, but who doesn’t ) God has saved my marriage, has brought my husband and I closer together by sharing and reading His word, by making Him the center of our marriage Now, instead of falling apart or fighting when things get tough….we go to God. We still fumble, still get worried first sometimes….but we are getting there. I’m learning to follow the guidance of the holy spirit, learning to listen to God’s voice. Learning to obey when I’m not sure of how it’s all going to work….but doing what he’s guided me to do. Often times, God uses music to talk to me, and it is through music, many times, I feel closest to Him. And so, if you will bare with me, I have a song, that not only shares very much the very basic theme of what I’ve learned in disciple, but also a song that I feel led to share…….
The song I sang that day was a song I'd learned in grade school called "You are Near" I'm not sure who sings it and the searching I've done only brings up the lyrics. When I was done, I was told 2 things by the pastor and another church member. Why wasn't I singing in the choir? I now am part of our praise team. We sing and lead the contemporary songs at church on Wed night and on Sunday mornings and I feel so connected to God above through music. The other thing I was told by a different church member, was that I should be writing. He said I moved him to tears and that I should write a book. That's been about 3 years ago. I've done a little bit. Mostly when emotions are high and God is telling me it's time to release what's in my soul. Joining this site is my attempt to start releasing His gifts, for His use more and to learn to use that gift to give Him power and glory.