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Who am I, Where am I Going, and Where have I been? The story of my life!
Jan 11, 2007

Today, I start attempting to keep one of my goals this year. To write daily. A little about me. I'm a 35 year old mother of 2, married for almost 15 years. I live in urban Indiana and currently stay at home and am a full time student. What makes me different from anyone else? Not much. lol...I have a strange sense of humor. I love to read. I love to sing. I like to play online. I lost both of my parents 6 years ago. Each year things get easier, except in a way they also get harder. Only somone who has been there will have any clue what I mean.

Why am I here? I feel compelled to write. A few years ago my husband and I took a bible study course at church called Disciple 1. Awesome Awesome study. 34 weeks, 80% of the bible. At the begining we had to discuss why we were there...my pat answer was to learn more abou the bible. Funny thing was, in the end, I'd learned a whole lot more. I learned I could have a personal relationship with God. I learned alot of things. I learned about spiritual gifts....and in the end of that study, we had to get up and give a testimony about our time in disciple and what we had learned....my first entry will be that testimony I shared with our congregation that day...the only changes I've made are to remove names.

My plan for this journal/blog is to just talk about me, my daily life, my kids, and whatever God puts on my heart. Pray for me that I may be obedient in this.

Check out these links! Pleeeease :)

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I look forward to touching base with whomever stops in....

God's blessing on you

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April 5, 2007 at 4:18pm
April 5, 2007 at 4:18pm
April 5, 2007

That's J's favorite thing to say. And it is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS followed with "God loves you and so do I" It's quite sweet. I think anyway

C used to say, "You match me". It was said meaning something to the effect of I love you, we are connected. It also was very sweet.

Today has been a decent day. No phone call yet but then I didn't really expect it. I've finished another entry for "Invalid Item that I have been working on for the "Invalid Item. I thought I'd missed out but they extended the contest! YEAH! So I'm busily working to get it finished.

Shortly, the mom of 2 of the kids will be here (THANK GOD!) I love these kids but the oldest is a whiner and he and J don't get along very well. They have been at it all afternoon.

We have a basketball game at 6pm. I think I might see if my beloved will take us out for dinner. :)

Well, I'm outta here...lol..talk to ya soon..

blessings and hugs
April 4, 2007 at 2:04pm
April 4, 2007 at 2:04pm
April 4, 2007

In order for you to understand the extent of my frustration ( I know, did you ask to hear about it? lol) I'm going to start back about 3 1/2 years.

At about 8 months J got his first sinus infection. Up to that point he'd been relatively healthy. That was in August of 2003. From August to Dec of 2003 he had sinus infection after sinus infection and was on antibiotics for pretty much the entire time. During this time he was also diagnosed with Reactive Airway disease (baby asthma kind of). We tried different antibiotics, different lengths of time, different meds to dry him up. Sometime in Dec of 2003 we were sent to an ENT-his ped really couldn't do much else. The first ENT was an idiot who put him on another 21 day spread of antibiotics and told us if he got sick between then and our next visit to him, to call the ped. He got sick, the ped was ticked that he'd told us to call her and sent us to another ENT. This one continued the antibiotics..and after 2 more sinus infections in 2 months, scheduled my then 14 month old son to have his adenoids removed. They did so in Feb of 2004. We did well for about 6-8 months. In the fall of 2004 he got sick again..this time with his first ever ear infection-it responded to antibiotics and we moved on. Then over the winter the sinus infections hit again. and again and again and again and again. In the last 2 years, since Feb of 2005 he has been on antibiotics almost every month. Not quite..but almost. In June of 2006, after doing this over and over again I finally convinced our ped, who believed it was all allergy related, to send him for allergy testing. Which she did.

Those test results..all of them, were negative. They tested him for all the normal stuff and a few things they wouldn't normally test for...food and pets and such..at least at his age they dont' normally check it. ALL OF IT CAME BACK COMPLETELY NEGATIVE! So then I asked..if he's not allergic to anything why is he having these problems. There statement was this-either he's allergic to something they can't test for yet because of his age OR he just has very small nasal passages, he gets a cold and because his passages are so small, he ends up with a sinus infection. Our goal then being to keep his nasal passages clear, be proactive when he starts to get sick and keep any possible allergies under control.

Yeah, that worked for a while. For about 4 months we seemed to be doing ok. Then in September of 2006, even with 2 allergy meds being taken, he got a sinus infection. At that point things started getting nasty within Medicaid, the kid's insurance provider (state run). My husband lost his job and his insurance making medicaid the primary insurance for my children. I contacted our caseworker immediately to advise of this. 2 weeks later my son, 3 at the time, came down with a sinus infection. My husband took him to see Dr. D, his allergist, and he was prescribed some medications.

When we went to fill the medications we were told medicaid denied them because we had a primary insurance. The changes in the computer had not filtered down to Molina (provider) from Medicaid. Finally 3 or 4 phone calls and 2 days later to Molina and the Hoosier healthwise helpline I finally got someone who pushed through an emergency authorization for 10 days..so we could get the antibiotics for our son. Then Molina refused to pay for the medicine because it was not a tier 1 med. Finally the next day they and the dr's office came to an agmt and we got meds. Approx a week later, I tried to fill a different medication and again was told we had a primary insurance and they wouldn't pay. At that point I and the pharmacist at the local drugstore contacted Molina to try to straighten out the mess. An entire afternoon of phone calls and we were able to get the meds. A week later, trying to schedule a ride to a dentist appointment for my kids, because our van was down, I was told Molina wasn't even our insurance company..Caresource was..(Molina was infact our insurance company and it was straightened out.)

In late Dec I went to refill my sons allergy medicines and was told by the pharmacist that Molina was refusing to pay for one med, had only paid for a few days worth of another because as of Jan 1 the would no longer be in existence and didn't want to be billed. I also received a letter in the mail at this time, telling me that because I hadn’t chosen a dr for my kids one had been chosen for them. Now they had been with the same dr for 4 years. I had received info about the changeover Jan 1 but no where did it say we needed to choose to say with our dr. The dr. they chose for us was 90 minutes away in Worthington. When I tried to get information (the first time I called the hoosier healthwise helpline about this) I was told it would be no problem, the dr's office they'd been at would just need to do a full panel add on. The dr's office informed me that medicaid over filled their office and they werne't DOING full panel add ons. So back I went. Between the prescriptions and dr's office issues, about 4 phone calls to hoosier healthwise and getting attitude and different answers every time...I called the governor's office who put me in touch with a lady within the state medicaid office. With her help, I was able to get my sons medicines taken care of and get information so that we could choose a dr closer to home..it would take 2 months for it to be effective but it was the best she could do. I accepted it. In Feb when I still hadn't received anything from mdwise about the new dr, I called hoosier healthwise back. They advised me that for whatever reason it was still pending and they pushed it through.

In Feb I refilled my children's allergy and asthma meds with no problem. The provider was anthem. At the begining of March we were transferred to Dr. E's care. The dr I'd chose back in Dec...She is a md wise provider. I went to try to refill meds and they were all denied. I called the allergist, who could do nothing because we hadn't seen the new ped and had to be referred back to the allergist. I made an appt and my son was seen on March 6. Since then both dr's offices have been trying to get prior authorizations on my son's (and now Dr. E's office is working on my daughter's as well). They are getting the run around. We've been denied stating they've not been on preferred medications-though they both have. Dr. D's office has been giving me samples to get him through. . I've finally contacted the governor's office for help again...and they are supposedly working on it and are calling me back.

I have jumped through every hoop I could find. I've contacted each insurance company, worked with dr's offices, and tried medications when it's been necessary even with reservation. I've contacted hoosier healthwise and worked with the governor's office to try to fix the issue (most recently spoke to a different lady this time). I have copies of pharmacy records showing they've been on the particular meds in question, have made it known I have them and have offered to fax them. I've called asking for what else I can do. When I asked this of the customer service person at mdwise I was told to let the dr's office handle it and when they had, they would call me. I did that. A month ago.

This afternoon I filled in a form at the local news station Call 6 for help is the name of it. Some of what is above is in that form. It also asks what you want them to do to help resolve the issue...this was my response "I'm not sure what you can do. Part of this is not about us. While I would love help in getting my sons medications-getting someone to listen to me and tell me what I need to do to make this happen-I am willing to put forth every effort to do it. The biggest issue here is a lack of communication between medicaid with it's providers and among those providers. We are FAR from the only family facing these issues. My son's allergist/asthma dr has several people that are dealing with the same issue and when I go into the pharmacy I also hear I am not alone in this battle. Medicaid and it's providers need to be held accountable. Just because we are poor does not mean we don't deserve respect and dignity. We are trying to take care of our families the best we can. I don't like having to rely on the government to do so, but financially at this time, to take care of our children, I have to do so. I understand this is a service we get without having to pay for..but I have worked and my tax dollars went into this as much as anyone else's. I know all insurance companies have rules and regulations that need to be followed. I realize many have policies on medications that must be observed. But the lack of communcation, assistance, and general compassion that I have dealt with over the last 6 months has been appalling. Help me be a voice for those who have none. My children, your children, the elderly. Those who have no choice but to sit and wait on the wheels of beauracracy." I'm fed up. I'm done fighting with them. On top of that..

The lab work they ran last week on J...most of it came back yesterday. It's normal. They were checking for an immuno deficiency. His levels are all within normal ranges..his IGEis low at 4.2...but that one is supposed to be..what is it..an allergy level in the blood..the lower it is, the less allergy issue there is...basically,the way I understand it..ok WTF...he's on 3 allergy meds...but has no allergies. Yet if we go off the meds he gets worse,stuffy and can't breath..and even on the meds he gets sick. So are they doing ANY good. HECK if I know.

There is one test we are waiting on..it's the pneumoccal titer. And it very well COULD be responsible for the recurrent sinus infections. His tetnus titer (from his immunizations) was also low. If the first one IS low, they will booster both at the same time. But the allergist, who has been very proactive with this, has said if it all comes back negative, we just ASSUME he will outgrow it. Ok, pardon me for one second..but BULLSHIT.

I'm not comfortable with that..I'm really not. IF he's not allergic to anything and he's not got an immunodeficiency and his white count and cbc are fine (which they are) dont' we need to figure out what's going on anyway? I mean...don't we like, need to go back to the ENT...do a scan, a culture, see if his sinuses are full? Culture it and find out if it's viral, bacterial, whatever? Am I the only one that sees this? WAIT AND LET HIM OUTGROW WHAT? I'm stressed, confused and concerned. The ped is more than willing to follow the allergist on this one. It's not that I want to do test after test..and I don't want to put him through any more than absolutely necessary...but this last sinus infection he ran a temp of 106, until 2 days ago, he was taking 5 meds in the morning, 3 in the afternoon, and 7 at night. We are now down to 2 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and 4 or 5 at night, depending on whether he's been complaining of his head hurting. To me this is FAR too much for one little boy. And the antibiotics they have to use are strong..Biaxin and Omnicef are the drugs of choice...again..while I want to get rid of the infection...we are using them over and over..what happens when they no longer work...sit and WAIT for him to outgrow it...it's possible the sinus infections are viral-which means antibiotics don't even work! It's possible it's a bacterial strain that is resistent to those meds..in which case he needs a different one. It's possible that his sinuses are just too full and need to be cleaned out...none of this can be found out unless they go in to his sinus cavities, look around and culture what they find. Not a comfortable thing...not something I would want to put him through if I didn't have to...but something that seems like it needs to be done before we just sit on our hands (which is what I feel like i"ve been doing anyway)

This last bout has really kicked me in the pants. We had been on an antibiotic that finished at the end of Feb. Less than a month later, without symptoms he spiked a high temp. AFTER the temp, we saw symptoms...This is scary for me...and it makes me wonder if the allergy meds are masking issues, not taking care of them. Any thoughts on any of this???

I know he is in God's hands..and for the most part he's a pretty happy go lucky kid. Until he's running a temp of 104 and miserable...you'd generally not even know he's sick...(I do, I'm mom...and I quickly notice the green crud and the complaining of his teeth, cheeks and eyes hurting (sinus pressure) but the general population would assume the runny nose is just a cold or allergies and he's pretty easy to get along with. But I'm very frustrated, fried and ready to cry.

I plan on talking to the allergist about all the questions and things I voiced above when he calls with the results of the final lab...and I keep trying not to stress over the rest until we have that result...but I can't help it and I'm at a loss as to what to do if they refuse to send him back to the ENT....say some prayers for me..and for my little man...who is definitely on the mend and is almost back to his silly self. There are still times you can tell he doesn't feel good. But for the most part he's doing ok.

If you made it this far, I thank you for reading. If you have a thought..even a disagreeing one...please pass it on to me...I just dont know what to do anymore...

I'm grateful for friends!

April 3, 2007 at 1:38pm
April 3, 2007 at 1:38pm
April 3, 2007

I believe that God creates in all of us a dream (well probably many different dreams-but you get the point). Something that sits within our hearts, a longing, a desire, a place where we feel we belong. Something we may not always figure out easily but something that we respond to deep within ouselves when we find it.

For me, that is writing. I guess I've always written to some point or another but it's only been in the last couple of years I've really started recognize it and only within the last few months that I've done it on any kind of regular basis.

Last month was a difficult month for me emotionally. It was the 5th anniversary of my mom's death. It saw my 4 year old son very sick and brings back the frustrations we deal with because of recurrent sinus infections and trying to figure out WHY he has them.

It was also a good month as I reconnected with an old friend, basketball season started for my 10 year old, my husband got a good review at a new job and I spent some much needed time with my sister.

But I didn't do much writing. I blogged..I have my blog hereat writing.com and a journal at cafe mom that I just started, and blogging IS writing, I truly believe that. But I have stories I'm working on and contests I wish to enter at WDC and outside of here...I didn't get to work much on any of that.

But today I did. Today I worked on a couple of things and it thrilled me to the depths of my being. I struggle with whether I'm very good at it...whether it will be much more than an idle hobby..and I guess it doesnt' really matter if it is or not..because it very much answers that need deep within me. I may be shy about letting those around me know that I'm writing...but I'm proud of myself for doing it and I can't wait to create some more.

What do you do in your life that answers that call deep within you?
April 2, 2007 at 2:44pm
April 2, 2007 at 2:44pm
April 2, 2007

www.dictionary.com uses the following definition for the word imminent- –adjective 1. likely to occur at any moment; impending: Her death is imminent.
2. projecting or leaning forward; overhanging.

Not good. Not good at all. Yesterday morning we turned on the computer and it said....S.M.A.R.T value bad. Hard drive failure imminent. Back up your computer.

NOW...I know there have been issues here in Blogville lately for some people and there computers..though they shall remain nameless...lol......now apparently we are having issues here..

Now, I do realize how blessed we are that our computer is being nice enough to let us know it's going to die. We actually have a chance to get things off the hard drive before it crashes..and considering that all of my writing, most of our pictures and money info is on the computer, that is a very good thing. Considering it's not been done..it's even better that we've listened ...lol. My beloved is treasurer for our church. I'm sure they appreciate him backing up the data before the computer dies as well (though that informations is backed up regularly. Still, it' s alot of work to be done..and now I can't easily access the things I've been working on or share pictures since they are all on disc (Yes, I'm aware I could find the disc, put it in and upload what I want..but..lol...I'm lazy) My beloved deleted the things he put on disc so as not to copy things twice...and told me to do the same (THIS I did...after I made sure I copied to the disc correctly..I'm not overly technically minded..lol)

The long and short of it is..we have a new hard drive bought to replace the dying one...(shhhhh, don't tell it it's being replaced..if it dies before it's all saved I will have to hurt the person who ratted us out...:)

It's a race against the clock folks...and now anything I write (for the next few days anyway) will have to be written directily into these windows....scary scary thought...

Hope y'all are doing well..I'll be back around later.

March 31, 2007 at 9:46pm
March 31, 2007 at 9:46pm
March 31, 2007

It's a blue month in more ways than one...lol..it's blue because I"ve blogged every day..and it's been a blue month emotionally...it's been a rollercoaster.

I'm ending the month proud that I blogged every day but a bit frustrated that the Tangent Universe Contest, haven't done much in my class at A1 Writing Academy and haven't written anymore of Sabrina's story...all things I thought I'd do well with this month...but such is life I guess. Regardless, it's been helpful to pour my heart and soul out here...

I'm exhausted today..have started spring cleaning..and since it's been a few springs since I did that...lool..I'm worn out and not done by far...April will start out with us cleaning some more after church.

I pray you are all well..I"ll try to pop in this evening to some blogs..if I miss ya..know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

blessings and hugs
March 30, 2007 at 11:32pm
March 30, 2007 at 11:32pm
March 30, 2007

Ok..so here it is. Pediatrician appt did very little for me...lol

We left there, went and ate at a Japanese Steakhouse-if you've never done it, you should...good food, a bit expensive but a lot of fun.

Then we went to Goodwill. God C a few things for summer and a few odds and ends. Then we went to another Goodwill-inlaws told us there was a big one on the west side of Indy...it was an outlet store and just let me tell you..it's a sight...lol...I'll share more on that tomorrow.

Then we drove around a bit, stopped and ate supper...yes we were at the outlet store that long...achy feet...and not just mine...lol...then went to a friends and here we are.

Good news/bad news

Good news is that I may make it to a goal of a blue month.

Bad news is very little other writing has been done. I had contests I wanted to enter..isn't going to happen. I had things I wanted to write...didn't happen. Maybe next month...It just wasn't in the stars.

Tomorrow C has her first softball practice...and she is so VERY excited. I think we are going to try to get some major cleaning done here at home...other than that no big plans.

Hope y'all are well..J is doing well...praying for results soon so we know what to do...

I'm grateful today for family time


March 29, 2007 at 11:06pm
March 29, 2007 at 11:06pm
March 29, 2007

This is going to be quick, it's been a long day and I want to go to bed. But I wanted to give you an update on my little one.

J's temp is down. He was almost normal all day today with no motrin. Breathing was better..not great, sounds horrible...coughing so hard it hurts...allergist/asthma dr said the prednisone is doing it's job though. They drew blood-7 vials...he did a great job during that. The best little one she's ever had do it she said. They are checking for an immuno deficiency...we should have results next week.

We have an appt with the ped tomorrow...so we'll see what she has to say also.

My beloved took tomorrow off to go with us and then we will spend the day together tomorrow...we are looking forward to that.

Gonna sign off now, will try to get in to everyon'es blogs tomorrow

March 28, 2007 at 10:02pm
March 28, 2007 at 10:02pm
March 28, 2007

Ever had a toy seem as if it were possessed? C has a doll my dad bought her 5 years ago, the Christmas before he died. It is a doll that when you push this it says this cheer and if you push that it says that cheer. It is now cheering of it's own free will. C is a bit tired of listening to it so it has been moved to the laundry room...it may end up outside before the night is over...If I have to listen to it while I'm trying to go to sleep.

Today has not been such a good day. J is not doing so well..woke up this A.M. with a temp of 104, screaming that his eyes hurt and he was very wheezy and congested. It was quite scary this morning. I gave him ibuprofen, took him in the bathroom while C was showering for the steam and used a cold cloth on his eyes...then gave him a breathing treatment when we were done in there. Had my beloved not driven my van to work today I'd have already been in the dr's office. A friends daughter who is in nursing school came over and listened to his lungs..they are clear but even after a treatment he was still wheezing badly....so 2 hours later I gave him another one. Temp finally came down, meds kicked in and his eyes quit hurting too. Three hours later he needed another treatment. So I called the allergist/asthma dr's office. This afternoon he called me back himself. Long and short of it is, he doesn't like it, called in some prednisone, and decided he didn't want to wait until Friday afternoon to see him. We have an appt at 10am tomorrow. I love that man. He is the first doctor in teh 4 year battle with this child's allergies and sinus infections that has been willing to be proactive.

On a different side of the issue..the side effects side.....he is now taking albuterol (which contains steroids) in his breathing treatments, prednisone (which is a steroid) and Rondec, a decongestant that has warnings for drowsiness, dizziness, and blurred vision..unless you are under 6....and then it could do the opposite. (Can you imagine what this combination does?) If you can't.....be grateful...if you can..say prayers for us all...this may be similar to a few months ago when we were in pulmicort hell....very long story about another medicaid hoop we jumped...

I am very very grateful that Dr. D is proactive and concerned about my son..trying to help me take care of him and get done what needs to be. We will be discussing other testing as well as this sinus infection/asthma flare up. I just want my baby well...he will probably miss his very first tball practice and a weekend at his aunts because of all of this...

Well, I've rambled on enough....I did try to catch up on some blogs...maybe tomorrow afternoon I can get some contest writing done.

Hope you all are well
March 27, 2007 at 10:37pm
March 27, 2007 at 10:37pm
March 27, 2007

Good evening peoples!

I"m feeling rather silly this evening...both because I'm less worried about my little man and because I'm rather tired still and that's just what happens.

J is doing better...still sounds cruddy...still have lots of meds and breathing treatments going on but the temp is down and the vomitting has stopped. Thank you Jesus!

So....I learned something in all of that that I have to share. Never let it be said I can't laugh at myself. In the middle of the night Sunday night, when J first woke up and then threw up the motrin...I called the dr's office. They were less concerned about his fever and more concerned about his breathing...the fact that he was running a temp of 105 was by far more worriesome to me. One of the suggestions she had for me was tylenol suppositories. NOW..if I lived in or near a big city that might be something I can do..but I don't. I live in the middle of BFE and the nearest 24 hour pharmacy is an hour a way. She also wanted him put in the tub which I couldn't do because he couldn't sit up...personally I really just wanted her to say "take him to the ER" but she didn't..she did say if it didn't come down or he got worse to go..which I had planned on anyway. Then suddenly I remembered that a friend of mine had given me some Feverall..a generic tylenol suppository about a year ago when he had pneumonia. So I went to the fridge...found them, and happily used one. Unfortunately it didn't help. During the time that we waited I sponged him down with cool cloths....finally when enough time had elapsed that there should have been SOME change, however minor and nothing had happened but to go up a couple of tenths we left.

Fastforward to about 10:30 yesterday morning when we got home from the ER and got settled. J by this time had thrown up the potassium suplement they gave him before we left the ER, his cough med, the tylenol and his very expensive antibiotic.....which I was suprised that medicaid paid for considering the trouble I"ve had trying to get them to pay for it in the past...this is the drug of choice for his sinus infections (omnicef)...it's also VERY expensive...$145 for a 10 day supply for a child who weighs less than 40 lbs.

I had called the ER, the ped, and his allergist...because if I can't keep the meds in him, I can't keep the temp down or get him well. The ER said, either bring him back or go into the peds office, the allergist said, call the ped, they should call in an anti-nausea/anti vomitting med. The ped said no. They dont' prescribe that for kids..too many side effects. I had talked to the allergist first because the peds line was busy and I needed to talk to SOMEONE....worried as I was.

So basically they wouldn't do anything....frustrated I called my friend who had given me the Feverall before to talk to her..she makes a great sounding board and I knew she'd have an idea..she did..she would send over some more Feverall...and then we'd just have to pray the nausea went away. In the process of looking in the fridge to see how much Feverall I had left...I realized something. The suppository I'd used the night before and what I had in my hand did not say Feverall. I had assumed it was, not remembering that J's previous ped had prescribed a different suppository for him when he'd had pneumonia...phenergan..because he kept puking hten too.

So..it was great that I had it to use...and it has helped...and I've laughed at myself since...because I should have paid much more sense...but it was the middle of the night...I was tired and I was worried and scared. Luckily it was a child's dose...and while it didn't lower the fever (or stop the puking...at least yesterday morning) it did help yesterday afternoon and evening. At the same time, I'm really rather upset with myself...because I could have hurt him....though in truth, we've never had any other suppository in the house. My son has an angel watching out for him.

Which kind of leads me to the message I got from the sermon at my mom's church. The bible passage was on the woman who was brought before Christ as an adulteress. Christ ignored the crowd at first then advised them that were without sin to cast the first stone...many times this passage is used to say things like...judge not, lest ye be judged,which I agree with....and many other sermons have come from it, I'm sure. The priest's message was on forgiveness. Christ died so we could be forgiven. Christ very quickly forgave that woman and her life had to be changed forever. I can't imagine any way it wouldn't be.

I am a VERY forgiving person. I don't like to be hurt..but I can't stand to see someone else hurt either.....and if I sense they are sorry...I'm pretty quick to forgive. I just don't stay mad long..life's too short. But there is one person in my life I tend to beat up for their mistakes. Not forgive even though Christ has and would. Make them listen over and over to the screw ups and places they are wrong. And that's me. While I have joked about my mistake yesterday..I"m also terrifyingly aware of what that mistake could have cost me....my son. At first I felt relief that I had the medicine I needed...and it was his, so it's not like I had to give him someone else's meds to do it. And in a way, it's funny. But I screwed up. I could've hurt him. It doesn't matter that everyone makes mistakes. It doesn't matter that all is ok. The reality is I messed up and it could've been big. And the more I think about it..the worse I feel. I KNOW BETTER. I have never given ANYONE a medicine without reading the label. And while the box with the medicine is long gone, having been crushed up and torn in the last year....that's no excuse, it says right on the wrapping what it is. And yes I was exhausted and worried and could barely keep my eyes open. But this is my child's life and my spouse was here..I could've asked him to look at it. But I made a blind assumption...and I feel very badly. I will struggle with forgiving myself for awhile...though I'm very grateful that God was watching out for him and the med was his and safe to give him. I'm grateful I had it to give him..because I believe that's one of the reasons he's doing better.

I'm working on forgiving my mistakes....but that's what I learned...that I need to forgive myself...as much and as easily as I forgive others...what did you learn this week?

hugs, be safe
March 26, 2007 at 9:52pm
March 26, 2007 at 9:52pm
We had J in the ER at 5 am this morning. He woke up at 3am running a temp of 104.2 under the arm and throwing up and wheezing. By 4:30 he had thrown up the motrin, we'd try a tylenol suppository....wet cloths, etc..his temp went up to 105 and we went to the ER...he started hallucinating (which was kind of funny and very scary) the long and short of it is he has another sinus infection but htis one hit us out of the blue...he just finished an antibiotic at the end of Feb...for a sinus infection-so anyway...we have ped's appt and allergist/asthma dr appt on Friday unless he doenst' get better or gets worse-he's finally (knock on wood) stopped puking, his temp is under control and while he's not his bouncy self, he's stable anyway. It's been a very long day and I'm hoping he will sleep well and feel better tomorrow-say some prayers for all of us please. We finally got home from the ER about 10:30am, they did a flu screen, a chest xray, bloodwork, and an IV...finally got the temp under control-we think he may have a virus on top of the sinus infection-

His allergy doc is allergy/athsma/immunology and we have had a discussion in the past about further testing (allergy tests came back neg.) Not sure what all he wants to do or what he's thinking...I know we've discussed some type of immuno defficiency but I'm not sure what else we are thinking...so prayers that way would be good.

Tomorrow, if I can think straight, I will share the message I got yesterday and such...My brain is friend from sick baby and lack of sleep. I've had about a 2 hr nap, give or take the interruptions...I got about 2 1/2 hrs of sleep overnight..I don't do well wiht no sleep...

Pray for me, please and for my little one...I'm real good at letting God handle most things...and letting them go...my kids being sick is not one of them I'm so good at.

Today I"m thankful for medical science and the gifts God has given us in that regard.

March 25, 2007 at 10:59pm
March 25, 2007 at 10:59pm
March 25, 2007

I am home. It was a good day with lots of memories and lots of running. A few tears. We heard a good message at mom's old church, met up with some of her old friends, went to the old house, the cemetery, etc.

We talked and have made plans to get together again soon. Tomorrow I will share with you the message I got at church....and a few of the memories that came to mind.

I hope everyone is doing well.

March 24, 2007 at 11:10pm
March 24, 2007 at 11:10pm
March 24, 2007

Today was busy but good. Actually it didn't start out so very busy, thankfully...it's just been busy for most of the day.

My beloved and C left about 8:30 this morning and went to an auction. J was still sleeping and I was just laying around. J woke up about 9 and though his first question was "Where is my daddy?" He did not want to eat breakfast and head to the auction to meet them. He wanted to watch a movie. I was in no mood to run run run right away either so we hung out at home and moved somewhat slowly. Finally about 11 we headed into town. He wanted a haircut-told me this morning his hair is too long-but the barber shop closes at 12 and was rather busy..so we opted to wait until next week.

Stopped by the auction very briefly and then went to a friends At Home America party which unfortunately flopped. Too bad too because not only did it hurt her feelings badly but it was a fundraiser for our church..she was donating all of her commission to the new sign we are trying to get. Left there about 5:30-J and I went to Dollar General...my beloved and C came home to unload from the auction.

Went through auction stuff, did some cleaning and ordered a pizza. I have to say that's one thing I love about where I live...even though we live in the middle of nowhere-there is a place not far from us that actually delivers out into the country. *Bigsmile*

Ate pizza, got the kids to bed, took my shower and here I am. Not so much to tell today except for the story of my day. Tomorrow will be emotional as I will be spending it with my sister, celebrating our mother-at least that's the plan.

Last night we watched The Client-it's an older movie-with Tommy Lee Jones and Susan Sarandon-it's one of my alltime favorites-we had rented it and it's due back...That's one of the few I could watch over and over-I"m not much for tv and movies very often...I will end up on the computer or with my nose in a book. lol

Well, I'm headed to bed. Tomorrow promises to be emotional with some laughs within the tears I hope. I will try to catch up on blogs next week..I"m so sorry not to have been around..just bare with me I haven't forgotten you all, and I thiank you much for your prayers and support.

hugs and blessings
March 23, 2007 at 5:38pm
March 23, 2007 at 5:38pm
March 23, 2007

Right now I'm listening to music on the computer. I don't often do that. Normally I would either put my headphones on or put www.klove.com on. This particular CD helps me through when I'm in a mood. That's why I usually put my headphones on and why I usually don't want anyone around...because usually I'm going to cry. It's been a tough week but it's had some positives.

The song I'm listening is called Solution-by the Paul Coleman Trio-it's on a cd that our Disciple one instructor made for our class. This is the first song on the cd-the one that usually makes me cry is Calmer of the Storm by downhere- here are the lyrics:
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.


Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."

There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

The entire song is so me...but the last 2 verses are just...especially the second to last-so often I feel like the ship IS going down...and I don't know whether to jump and try to swim or stay on the boat....and all I can do is hold onto Him...

There are other songs on this cd that mean alot to me...and touch my heart. This cd-the songs-were handpicked by a very intuitive man...and I miss him greatly..he has since left our church....He taught me so very much...showed me how to find God and that perfection wasn't required. He was just a simple ordinary man..who lived, and lives for Christ.

The song now is What if I Stumble by DC Talk-I feel that one too..feel like all I do is stumble around in this world of Christianity..trying to be like Christ..never quite succeding...like I said, it's been a tough week.

Today was report card day...C brought home a report card boasting all A's and one B+-she brought home a couple of certificate's (perfect attendance, extra effort, honor roll, 2nd highest AR score. She also brought home a few treats-kids free buffet coupons for 2 different restaurants, free food at a couple of local restaurants. Not bad for a kid they were trying to tell me last year was Learning Disabled-we'll discuss that one another time, I'm sure I'll have a need to vent about the heck this school system and I have gone through together. C is in the 4th grade, next year she moves next door to the middle school. They will have a Sundae Party for Honor Roll, they've already had a pizza party for the AR winners-AR is a reading thing-

A friend of mine had a mammogram a week ago Wednesday and they found something suspicious. She is a 36 year old mother of 4- 16 year old, a 6 year old, and 2 year old twins. They go to our church. This morning she had to go in for a second mammogram and further testing...turned out to only be a lymph node-Praising God for answers to prayer and for positive results. What scary place to be.

Calmer of the Storm is on now and I'm trying not to cry...4 kids here...it's not quite as potent over the computer...something about having it in stereo...makes me feel like I'm sitting on a mountaintop alone.....

My beloved and got into a disagreement on Wed night. Right after we'd gone out with some friends. We'd had such a good time on such a difficult day. The arguement was an age old one for us and resulted only in me feeling like I'm not good enough and never going to be good enough-it breaks his heart that he has made me feel this way..he is sorry and we have worked it out, talked it out and made up. Unfortunately I still feel this way. He is a wonderful man, my soul mate and my kindred spirit. I thank God for putting us together. We don't often fight..and when we do it doesn't last long. The effects of this one will..because emotionally it was not a good time to begin with.

song now-God will make a way-by Don Moen-this song hold significantly in memory as well...before I'd ever heard it-at least to my knowledge- God used it to speak to me. We were in a VERY bad spot financially..both in tears, about 3 years ago-we were at our wit's end not knowing how to survive or what to do-and while on my knees, praying to God for an answer-God sent this song into my head..and peace into my soul-I went into class and told our instructor...and he played the song in it's entirety for me...what a blessings

The next song is I Can Only Imagine by Mercyme...I have often imagined what it would be like to be in the presence of God-it's quite an exciting thing-I'm assuming I'd be awestruck..but I think I will sing and dance...and probably hit my knees..and then chatter his ear off. just a thought.

The basketball game last night went well, we played hard, we won...not sure we played completely by the rules...but then who am I-yeah,that's another song on this cd...lol-actually the next one..and it's by Casting Crowns- Who am I..and why does God care at all...when I went on my Walk to Emmaus-there was a point at which I was sitting alone, a big cross on the floor that was surrounded by candles-I felt like I was sitting in the presence of God..and we were just connecting...it was an awesome and powerful experience and I wish I'd stayed sitting there longer, wish I could go back and sit there again...I feel that need to rejeuvenate my relationship with Him and within myself.

I have to be honest-while Wednesday went better than I had thought it would-I"m not really doing very well in all of this. Wed's fight, 2 nights of not enough sleep, on top of everything else this week have me rather in a state of wanting to curl up and cry. Yes, I will give in eventually I know it's what I need and is good for me to release-but knowing it and doing it are two different things...for starters I have kids here and can't take that kind of time. There parents will be here soon, my beloved also..and then there is dinner and who knows what else to distract...maybe Sunday-though I'd like to be a little more in control emotionally before then...

Next week is Spring Break-at some points I will have 8 kids-should be interesting-might be fun if I work it right.

Ok, funny for the day...I used to work in a Call Center for a local power company- one of the guys I worked with gave me a cd with different baseball songs on it...our favorite is this:

Go home, you're done. Hit the showers, but thanks for the runs. You bum, you got rocked, so just beat it. You got the hook so go home.
Hey pitcher, so I guess that was your fastball, I don't think you could get it past my grandma.
I'm confused, was that your changeup or your slider.
Doesn't matter because you couldn't get it by her.
Ball 1, outside.
Ball 2, up high.
You threw a strike and he yanked it out of the yard.
Yeah, now you gotta go home, you're done.
Hit the showers, but thanks for the runs.
You bum, you got rocked so just beat it.
You got the hook go home.

--Blessid Union of Souls - Go Home

The beat on this song is awesome and it's just a lot of fun...this year, we are taking it to our first softball practice to share with the team. :)

Softball makes me happy-watching my kids play any sports makes me happy-C did well last night...she does have an advantage as one of the tallest in 4th grade..she's one of the tallest girls on the 3 other teams we play and the tallest on our team....she can reach over and take the ball sometimes as the other team is shooting..and in all the tipoffs, they've chosen to use her for our team..we've ended up with the ball...and at least 3 of the games she's made the first basket....I love seeing the smile on her face. J will be playing tball as well..should be interesting.

As I said, though my mood is not soo good and I'm just not feeling very upbeat..there are positives and I have been blessed. I have to hold on to that..because I know the fog will lift and I will be feeling better-I just have to hold on to the blessings, to the positives and to my Lord and Savior.

sending hugs, I"ll try to stop by soon

March 22, 2007 at 3:45pm
March 22, 2007 at 3:45pm
March 22, 2007

I'm tired from a too late night with not enough sleep. I'm in a mood. I'm surviving but not in the mood to write.

I'll try to stop by blogs later
March 21, 2007 at 4:51pm
March 21, 2007 at 4:51pm
March 21, 2007 77 entries...over 1000 views...wow....

Today is the fifth anniversary of my mom's death. I'm actually handling today better than I figured...then again the days leading up to it always seem worse.

March 21, 2002 my sister called me in the morning, tears in her voice and told me to come -as she had many times over the course of the last 6 weeks. But this was different. Just the week before we were excited because she was coming home soon..and then she was home...and then she was terribly sick again..it was a difficult time. But that morning she knew...and she told my sister she wanted to die at home....her nurse was the one who called my sister.....it's all rather jumbled still...I left work (about an hour away) and flew up to the east side of Indy...my beloved also left work and came to us.

Mom was in a lot of pain...and we spent a lot of time waiting on a pain pump...because of her lung issues morphine was a risk but one we were willing to take....we didn't want her to be in pain. Before the morphine came, we had several people in and out of the house...friends of mom's, nurses, her priest. The phone rang alot. And we talked to her..not much, because she was hurting. Finally the pain pump came, people left...even mom's nurse...leaving us her home # in case we needed her. That evening, thinking that we were going to be there for hours, maybe days...my beloved headed for home to get his meds...he has epilepsy...he also was getting clothes for us, etc. C was at his parents house...he was gone probably 3 hours....it an hour each way and time to get the things we needed together. During that time my sister and I just kind of sat around...talking some...I think there was still a piece of us that was hoping she'd overcome this...but it was all rather unnerving..she was on the bed..the actual bed, not her cart..which was rare...she usually wasn't comfortable on the bed...she was laying on her back, which again, was something she didn't do often or for long, because of her spinal curvature....she laid this way for hours...About 10 or so, I think, my sister was on the phone...and wandered out of hte bedroom...I leaned over and hugged mom...and got hugged back...2 arms...the only one I can remember...because she laid on her stomach, on a cart most of my life...and her arms were bent and didn't stretch far...but she hugged me that night.....and then she died. Just prior to that hug she started breathing funny and I called my sister in...by the time she got in there..mom was gone...just a matter of moments. I cherish that hug...I hated being in the room when she died...have you ever heard someone die? the way they breathe? It's a horrible sound. The guilt I feel for not being able to do anything...the guilt I feel for agreeing to the morphine pump-prescribed by the dr and set up by the nurse..nothing funny went on..but just knowing it could hinder her breathing...yet how do you say no to a person you love in pain? She knew she was dying...and she wanted to die at home, with dignity...we did the best we could.

Right after she died, my beloved got back. My sister called the nurse and the nurse came...the ambulence took mom away and we locked up the house and left. It all felt very unreal. I remember as we pulled back into our town..thinking...I need something small to love...like a puppy....9 months later-with conception dated at March 21, J was born. A gift, yes.

A trying gift at 4...who ends up in trouble at school, knots on his noggin from running into things and a determination of steel...actually I have 2 children with momma's determination. I miss my parents...both of them...and think often of how much they miss in not knowing my youngest. Miss them when things happen that I want to share..and yes, I know they are close...but it's not the same

Gonna stop before I cry again..cant' cry with 5 kids running around the house.

On Sunday my sister and I are going to church together at Mom's church...the first time since we were in it for her funeral. We are planning on going to the cemetery (2 of them-for mom and dad...and for mom's mom who is at a different one). We are going out to lunch and by the house we grew up in. It will be an all day thing....I'm sure we will laugh and cry...I won't be wearing make up...lol...my beloved is keeping the children with him...I want to be able to grieve without worrying about upsetting my kids. I want to be able to rejoice and share without interruption.

Since making those plans I've been more at peace...I'm not sure why, it's just a fact. If you've been praying for me, I thank you.

Mom memory-growing up we sang alot at home...I think this is one of the ways mom kept me occupied...I rocked when I sang...bounced the springs out of more than one couch....but even when C was little mom and I would sing together although at that point it was usually in the car.

My dad hated it..said it was like cat's howling....lol...mom would tell him if he didn't like it he could go out on the back porch...lol

Because my mom was in a wheelchair and on a cart with wheels we had ramps on the front and back porch. The back porch, growing up, was especially fun...made of concrete we would clear it of it's furniture and use it as a roller rink, a house boat, a house...whatever struck our fancy...we'd also use it when it rained and we wanted to be outside....it wasn't screened, so we'd have to stay up against the house but we had fun anyway. My sister had a very sturdy hard plastic barbie car that we used to sit on and ride down the back ramp into the yard....over and over again....lol...there was a phone jack out there and if we were all outside we'd take the phone out...if we were playing house we used the shelf it sat on for a jug of water to play with. My dad used to go nuts though every spring because the birds would nest in the roof of the porch.

The front deck holds stories as well...though less because I was in 5th or 6th grade when we got it and my sister in high school...I do remember though that we rarely used the ramp to leave it..climbing instead over the side-coming and going...and I remember my sister running out the door in a hurry, trying to jump the side and when she hit her foot, landed on her butt in the grass.

Mom loved being outside if the weather was decent. Before the deck was built, she couldn't get out the front door...but just a bit...because it was a concrete porch with steps right outside the door. I have pictures of her sitting in the doorway, even when I was a small child. Especially in later years..it was her way to socialize with her neighbors...she'd sit on the porch and enjoy the breeze and someone was sure to come visit....she had the door rigged so she could get in and out even if she was home alone.

Well, I'm sure I could go from one memory to another..but this has gotten long enough....maybe I'll share more tomorrow...maybe I"ll just try to let it go for now...we'll see where the Spirit leads.


March 20, 2007 at 10:44pm
March 20, 2007 at 10:44pm
March 20, 2007

We are back from the game..have been for a bit but I just got everyone settled into bed and babysitting kids out the door.

Where to start....the game went well enough I suppose. There was so much back and forth with the ball that I lost track..there were lots of baskets made on both teams..if I had to guess I'd say they won but it was within 10 pts..or less...unlike last time where they won by 30...and considering we've beaten both other teams by at least 20..I'm guessing they mopped the floor with them.

The coach from the other team plays very much to win...which means sometimes he's just fine with not playing fair...snatching the ball, personal fouls...substituting players midplay so the girls were confused on who was guarding who....letting his players wrap around the person they were guarding instead of only having their hands up...NOW..please remember this is 3rd and 4th grade..not high school...even then...I wouldn't care if everyone was playing by the same rules...but the coaches ref and our coach said nothing..our girls, this time..gave back as much as they got. They were yanking the ball back, made a few of their own fouls..wrapped their arms around people..etc...while I don't like it...it's not what they've been taught to play...sometimes you have to fight to prove you can...

That said..there are three girls on that team that C has had problems with...both in school and on the court. One of the was her guard tonight and vice versa...they totally frustrated one another (and the other girls coach) time and time again...C is tall for her age..this girl is just a hair taller. That she smacked my baby, elbowed her in the stomach, and tripped her up a couple of times honked me off. But C stood her ground, made a few baskets, one of them the first of the game...and did her best for the most part. She got very frustrated a couple of times and just didn't move much..but she did well.

She was voicing her anger in the car...Especially one of the girls she's livid at...she'd like to do her bodily harm. They give her problems at school, are starting rumors (nothing major yet...thankfully) and have even gotten physical a time or two (this I find out tonight...) The rumors are not so much...just that she got suspended last year for hitting one of the girls-which she did not..and I told her my response would be to look at the girl and say"If I got suspended for hitting you last year, then why are you stupid enough to mess with me again?" Or something to that affect. But all in all...she knows she's not allowed to start a fight. I think I also got my point across that if she was defending herself she would not be in trouble...as long as they threw first....I don't want it to happen...she's a good kid, who has never been in trouble...but at some point she has to stand up for herself...and she's tried ignoring and turning the other cheek. This is year 2...next year they all move to middle school and it will all get worse. I've also told her not to be intimidated, not to let them get to her...to just laugh at them...then come home and talk to me and be upset and get it out...but when they know they got to her, they win (this is an ongoing discussion we've had for years) It's sad to say..but I almost hope she does get into a fight..and I hope she makes her point...I don't even care if she's suspended....still I should probably talk to her teacher and let her know there may be issues...thankfully they aren't in the same class...but stilll..ugg..it's such a difficult place to be.

The other issue of the night is this other coach. He was wrong to have them play that way..and let me tell you ...he saw C was going to be power tonight and sent them her direction...he plays to win no matter the cost. I know this for fact....I say this with concern....he was her assistant softball coach last year...and he's an awesome coach....he will be her softball coach this year and that concerns me...not that he'll take anything out on her because he won't...he likes her and has alot to teach her...she has potential, he sees that..and we asked for him to pick her...he got their team back (the coach from last year moved) My problem is I don't want her playing dirty. I want her team to win...but I want it to be by the rules. We had one issue last year with him..in the very begining...because he told them that if there was ever a question of whether they were on base or had been tagged that it didn't matter what happened..they always were to play it off and say they'd made it to the base, they were never tagged....to lie. I blew up..I was not happy..the coach didn't hear it..but we talked to her...It was never repeated again, she felt he was teasing...I'm not so sure....and of course this is one of the reasons that I'm a hands on parent and one of us will be at every game and practice, and we've talked to her about that conversation..because she was not happy about it...and she was a bit upset at the way he let his players play tonight...because they broke the rules and this is my black and white child...it is what it is..the rules are the rules...

Anyway...no easy answers...score wise, I think we lost...but we fought a good fight and we played well...that makes them winners.

blessings and hugs

I'm guessing by the fact that no one has a comment on my previous entry that I made some uncomfortable...I apologize if that was the fact...that wasn't my intent...I'm just being me...*Smile*
March 20, 2007 at 5:21pm
March 20, 2007 at 5:21pm
March 20, 2007

First I want to thank everyone for their support and for reading my entry yesterday...I will share a bit more of mom and my memories in a moment but first I'm going to step out onto the ledge and into what is typically a topic that is stayed away from outside of the political circles...a friend once told me-if you want to keep friends you stay away from politics, religion, abortion and homosexuality. LOL...I'm openly Christian, have given you my opinion on abortion and am about to on homosexuality. Probably the only reason I haven't opened up my mouth about my political stance..is I dont' have one..I do..I do..don't get me wrong..but it's not clear cut enough and no one has started me on something political that spurred me to write...and yes I know both abortion and homsexuality can be...but I"m giving you my own personal opinion...I have, I suppose, political views on them as well..but..lol...anyway....

Last Wednesday night was our final chapter of "Confronting the Controversies" by Adam Hamilton. I struggled during our discussion with voicing my opinion, and struggled since with voicing it here. Not because it's that radical or that I'm unsure of how I feel...not because I'm afraid of what people will think of me because I could care less..and people who know me well will tell you that.

No-I've struggled because I have my personal beliefs...and then I have my gut response. They are not exactly one in the same. From the gut, I will tell you that I believe that homosexuality is wrong. I don't believe it is how God intended things to be.

As a Christian-I believe that we are to show LOVE to all people. Everyone...because we are all sinners and God loves us all. Even as we sin. I believe that God does not have certain levels of sin...and yes, I believe that homosexuality is a sin....but sin is sin is sin is sin...and that makes someone who is in a homosexual relationship no worse a sinner than me who has a tendency to swear, overeat, take the name of God in vain...or from someone who steals, etc. We all fall short of the grace of God. And all, according to the bible, who accept Christ as their Lord and Savior, are welcome in the kingdom of heaven. It's not my place to judge because the bible says "judge not lest ye be judged" and honey, I'm in no shape to be judged.

I have a friend, a long time friend who, when we saw each other daily, wore her hair very short and had a tail. She had a bunch of earrings and was not overly feminine...then again, neither am I most of the time...I grew up quite the tomboy. She had boyfriends and sexual experiences that she shared with them and later told me about. Imagine my surprise to find out she was a lesbian. Imagine my husbands surprise that I never knew...he saw it a mile away he said.

She introduced us to her significant other...we all hung out for a bit, and my friend and I had a one on one discussion later..so that she'd know we were ok. I was, and am fine with her choice...though I don't agree with it..and honestly, I don't want to see it. Maybe that's rude. But it's true..I have no desire ...part of my concern is and was for C...especially then...mind you, I really don't have a problem discussing...pretty much anything with my daughter...and we have even had a discussion on 'what's gay mean mom" I tried to be as open and clear as I could...because of some things that were being said about a teacher, I tried very hard to let her know that even IF the teacher was gay that she didn't need to be afraid of her, that it didn't change whether she was capable of teaching or a good teacher. That I believed it was not a christian choice but that God loved them anyway and we are called to love everyone.

This leads me to a recent article from the Indianapolis Star


basically a middle school newspaper wrote an opinion article on tolerance. It mentioned a gay student and difficulties they face. The teacher/advisor is in danger of losing her job for running the article. I personally don't think she should be. Now mind you..the younger set in this middle school is 11..not far from my daughters age..and while I wouldn't be thrilled with the school teaching my child what to believe...I think hearing another student voice the need for tolerence to be a good thing. The article above also tells us that this same school has run articles on std's and birth control, I think...yes I'm being lazy and I could go read it again but I'm not...lol..I, as a parent, would object more to those than an article on tolerence...obviously depending on the way things were worded and the depth of the subject matter.

Tolerance is necessary in life. I will discuss birth control and std's with my daughter. But because my daugher is only 10 and shows very little interest in boys, sexuality, and what's happening to her body...I'm not going to start a discussion..we have talked about what's going to happen and discussed sexuality, where babies come from and a host of other topics...and I will glady discuss the others as needed or as she asks..and I've tried to keep the lines of communication open ..and yes, I'm aware that other parents don't and those kids need to know too...I wouldn't even mind them teaching or discussing those topics as long as I knew in advance...I know she knows more than I think she does...but I digress...

My issue within myself is this...I believe it's wrong...I dont' want to see it, hear about it, or know what you did last night (even if you are heterosexual to be honest..lol)I dont' want my kids to see it and I don't agree with it. I'm not comfortable with it. AT ALL. Yet as a Christian, I'm called to love and show Christ's love to all people. It's a difficult thing I am called to....because while I certainly don't believe that those who are homosexual should be mistreated or cursed...I also DO believe it's not of Christ. I believe those who are homosexual are capable of being decent human beings and of being rotten human beings..no different than anyone else. I believe they deserve respect and dignity. Do I believe that a union between two females or two males is marriage...no, I'm sorry I don't. Do I believe a same sex couple should be able to adopt children...yes. It's not a contagious disease...it's a choice. But I do believe they should be held to the same depth of quesitoning and training.

I struggle with that opinion...Internally it doesn't make sense to me that I don't believe they should be considered married but that they can adopt...It's not that I think it takes away from MY marriage to have 2 men or 2 women marry...because it doesn't...if anything is going to take away from my marriage it's going to be me or my husband...to give anyone else the ability to do so is just stupid on my part. Single women adopt. Maybe single men do too..I don't know of any but it could happen...couples adopt and divorce later...child goes with one or the other just like with birth children...to me, they are two different issues...

I say all this, coming from a youth filled with my mom struggling to prove she could handle life with a disability in an able bodied world. She struggled for dignity and respect and equality. By the same token, she commanded respect from us. And we were taught very much to respect other people and ourselves.

Ultimately...I was rather surprised by the opinions in our group....many were openly tolerant and even discussed their opinions..that they believe that a person's sexual choice is something they are born with.....and if that is the case..how can it not be from God...sighting people that knew they were different from a very early age...then you have the other side...primarily older side..who just believed it was wrong, didn't think those who were gay belonged in the military, etc.......I don't know what to think about the first...totally disagree with the latter...and as usual seem to fall somewhere in the middle. I do know this. Were it my child coming to me and telling me they were homosexual....I wouldn't turn them away. I would love them, accept them and pray for them. Would I want them coming around with their significant other..yes. Would I want to see them kissing their significant other..No. If that makes me closed minded...so be it...I'm not comfortable with it, I admit it.. Doesn't mean I would turn my back on someone because they were. And just like the kids who were cussing a blue streak in front of my kids...if there were 2 teenagers making out I would say, excuse me do you mind..I have kids here...and that would be regardless of sexual orientation. But, were it 2 adults..I'd probably over look the heterosexual couple who was kissing...and not overlook the homosexual...sorry...it's what I believe and it's not what I want my children seeing...just as I'm very careful with what they are exposed to on TV...and believe me I'm quite the dictator...lol...hmmmm.......it's just who I am...

Ok..so now onto a mom memory or two...lol...far less controversial...

Shortly after mom got her drivers license and her van, she wanted to take me to the Childrens Museum. It was a Saturday afternoon, the children's museum wasn't tooo far from home, and so we took off. Her steering wheel was 0 effort..her pillow slipped...moved the steering wheel and we ended up on the front lawn of the museum

A not so funny...but something we typically dealt with. When I turned, I believe 13, might've been 12, mom took me and my best friend Jenny to the local Chuck E Cheese..only when we got there the curb cut was blocked. Even though the handicapped parking place was available...the one and only curb cut was blocked...we couldn't get mom inside. I had to go in and tell the manager and they paged the guy..but they were less than concerned or helpful when that person didn't come out. Finally the manager came out, mom raised Cain..threated to call and report them to the better business bureau among other things..and we managed to get inside. It was frustrating for all of us though.

One other time or typical time I should say..that stands out for me is when mom was in the hospital. Every time she was in the hospital...after she was "out of the woods" but not well enough to go home...she would wander on her cart. In early years it was to go out and smoke. In later years, it was just to get out of her room. As long as she wasnt' on an IV she could go...later years she had to stay on the floor...but we would go wander and walk and talk. Sometimes we'd be silly...sometimes we'd just share...occasionally we'd race...but we'd make lap after lap. The last hospitalization was no exception and we had some good times. Some good discussions and some pretty good silliness. The hospital she was in had a newer section and an older section on the same floor...and we wandered into the older section and while I can't tell you what was said...I do remember feeling like we weren't supposed to be there and some silliness that occured because of it. *Smile*

Years ago, at a different hospital, mom had to go outside and smoke. While it wasn't something that any of us liked...because many of her issues that landed her in there were her lungs...we would go outside with her...At one point the administration decided anyone smoking had to be so many feet from the hospital...mom couldn't get out to the smoking area even outside becasue of where it was located. The security guards who were by the doors managed to never see her smoking over on the other side. She knew them all...and they knew her...as a matter of fact..she seemed to be known by everyone...she was hard to forget...

If we lost her in the store...we'd just ask someone if they'd seen a woman rolling around on a five foot cart...they never forgot if they had...lol

Ok, well this is long enough...sorry if I've either irritated you with my opinions or bored you with my memories.and thank you for your tolerance..

We have a ballgame tonight. The team with the bullies on it. C is hopeful...so I'm hopeful she's not going to be intimidated...I'll try to remember to post an entry letting y'all know how it went.

I'm thankful that I live in country where I'm free to voice my opinions.

March 19, 2007 at 5:48pm
March 19, 2007 at 5:48pm
March 19, 2007

Not that most of you probably care...lol..but I'm going to share anyway...

My mom was born in Oct of 1943-I believe....lol...could've been 45...I know my parents were 2 years apart and I think it was 1941 and 1943..but I could be wrong...

She was born in New York..my grandmother was a strong woman-but very much a lady....to this day that is the biggest thing I recall when asked about my grandma.

My grandfather, was a blind musician-he played 7 instruments-and tuned piano's..he had some kind of chemicals spilled into his eyes as a very young child. I never met the man..he died a couple of months after I was born. I'm told I wouldn't have wanted to know him..my grandmother divorced him because he was abusive...

My mother was born the oldest of 2 girls-quite the typical young girl of that time. I have pictures of a day when she could stand. At 7 she had influenza meningtitis. She ran such high fevers, it burnt the brain cells so that she couldn't walk..she was paralyzed from basically the neck down..though she had partial use of her arms-most of her fingers were bent up tight..though not her thumbs or the first finger of both hands. She was diagnosed as a C 5-7 quadrapelegic.

At that point she was sent home to die. The dr's didn't think she would live...but she proved them wrong-it wouldn't be the last time. She sat in a wheelchair, went to a school for children with disabilities-eventually where she met my dad. She did things like sing in the choir, was in a group called Happy Hobo's and Sad Sacks...she had a pin she wore..I loved the sound of her school because not only did the learn academics but she also got physical therapy and such...she graduated from there...my grandparents were VERY protective of her, didn't allow her to do much but she had an iron will and chose to do anyway. At 19 she had staph infection in her right hip. They amputated her leg above the hip..and sent her home to die. She proved them wrong again, getting married in 1965 and though my grandfather tried to have her proved incompetent it didn't work. My sister was born in 1966. Very much against Dr's orders. By this point mom's spinal curvature was so bad that she laid on a stryker frame...made out of wrought iron-bicycle wheels in the front for her to push herself..little wheelchair tires in the back....she was cathetorized..but other than that thought of herself as no different...she raised my sister with minimal help from my grandma who didn't live far away..and my dad worked full time. She rarely left the house but when she did it was in a wheel chair with a heavy back brace complete with prosthetic hip. In 1973, again very much against Dr's orders, I was born. somewhere in between my sister and I was a miscarriage. Before I was born, my parents bought a 3 bedroom house with a bathroom on the N.E. side of Indianapolis and this home is where I grew up and where my mom lived until the day she died. As a child, I remember being taught that you should look at people from the inside out..it's what's important...I also remember people staring...and wondering why...nothing seemed strange to me. lol...Through out my childhood mom was sick...by age 9 or so, I could help mom "cough"...she only had partial use of one lung..in order to cough when she got sick, someone had to push, in time to her breaths, to help her cough....my sister used to stand on the lowest bar of mom's cart...I don't know if I ever did that or not... In 1982, when I celebrated my first communion...was the last time mom was able to sit up in the wheel chair...In 1984, I believe...some Purdue University Engineering student built her an electric cart that started a huge burst of independance for my mom. Once she got the cart, which allowed her to go forward and backwards, raise and lower, and go at a faster speed, she also went back to school through vocational rehabilitation...before this she had suplimented my fathers low paying bindery job with sewing for other people. I never knew we were poor until Jr High....lol......She got a degree in computer programming, something she could do laying on her cart...this cart weighed about 500 lbs, and was 5 feet long. She learned to drive..laying on her stomach, she went to a school in Michigan that taught her to drive with hand controls. She did it to prove she could..because my grandmother told her she couldn't.....got a job working in Tax Payer services with the IRS, drove herself to work. She took me and a friend shopping, me to the children's museum, herself to church. In 1986, she got congestive heart failure..and almost died. It was my first taste of the reality of how fragile life is. It was also my first rememberance of truly holding on to God. I wasn't old enough to go into her hospital room in ICU..I spent many hours in a waiting room alone. Again her will to live and God's plans for her overcame the reality the dr's thought would be.

My dad lost his job when I was in 7th grade, mom was then the only one working...it had to be a proud moment to be responsible for your family and fully capable of taking care of them...independant as ever..they hired her on from a seasonal employee to full time. Dad went on disability and that's the point I knew things were tight.

We almost lost mom again when I was a freshman....again she bounced back. that was the story of her life...her desire to live, her love of her family..to see us through was stronger..her faith stronger yet than anything that could knock her down.

In 1991, my senior year of high school, my grandmother got sick..I dont' remember much...just back and forth back and forth to the hospital. I was the youngest of the grandkids..the only one not truly considered an adult and was left much to myself during this time. At the end of May, while my parents were at the hospital and I at home with friends playing cards, I got the phone call that grandma had died. (this wasn't my first loss-my dad's dad died when I was in jr high but this isn't his story..:) I wish now I'd spent more time talking to mom...I know I hugged her alot...that's my M.O. Hehe...I know she struggled but I dont' know much more....I know there was a battle over grandma's estate...she died without a will...she had remarried years before to a man everyone called sweeter...I knew him simply as grandpa..a wonderful man with a green thumb..I loved to be at my grandparents house...grandma cained chairs...grandpa helped and puttered in his gardens...

anyway...there was a bit of a mess with all of that..but again, being in highschool..well just out...her funeral was the day of my graduation...I wasn't let into much of the loop

due to a major issue between my parents, they divorced that summer...they remained friends til death.

In 1993, I married my beloved. My mom sewed my wedding gown, most of it on her own. When C was born in 1996, she was the first grandchild for my parents...and they loved her dearly...all I had to do was tell my dad, especially that she wanted something..and if Christmas, her birthday or other reasonable excuse were nearby, she'd have it.

My mom sewed many clothes for her ...dresses and booties, hats, doll clothes later, jumpers and dresses as a preschooler, jammies....she also enjoyed buying for her..and each year, C had a new Christmas dress, usually 2..and 2 Easter dresses.

Mom retired from the IRS when her heatlh got too bad...and quit driving before I was married..she had had a minor accident and that was enough...she didn't feel safe...the dr no longer wanted her driving anyway because of her health..but she only gave it up because it was what she wanted to do..she'd proven it to everyone that she could.

Over the course of the next several years, she was in and out of hte hospital. For a while after my parents divorce, my sister moved in, took care of what needed taking care of and lived there rent free while going to school. When she moved out, mom had a nurse out twice a week and a home health aide out twice a day. She did the rest..cooking, some cleaning, sewing. She had more than one volunteer job she did ..St. Vincent de Paul, reading for the blind on tape, she crocheted hats and scarves for the homeless. She sewed for her granddaughter, visited with her friends. She was part of a group at her church caleld Caregivers...those who were either stay at home parents or retired individuals who were able bodied and could drive....or just visit...would sign up to help those who needed a ride, respite, groceries, etc. She was the coordinator...and a recipient of their services. They took care of her, she took care of them too..and as the coordinator...she knew where those needing help were coming from...it was honor to know those she served with. They were her friends.

Before she died, and I'd have to watch the tape to tell you when, she was one of Indiana's own..nominated and interviewed by channel 8's Ray Rice....she never thought of herself as disabled...she never got down because of what she didn't have...because she saw herself as having so much.

Mom "almost died" several times between 1996 and 2002. My sister and I had discussions about what to do when mom could no longer live on her own...even with home health care....putting her in a nursing home, when she was still so "normal" would have been a death sentence. I lived too far away, my sister works full time.....and then she'd turn a corner, be ok and we'd move on until the next time. When dad died in Jan..mom didn't go to the funeral...they'd been divorced for 11 years..they were good friends..she helped him out, he helped her some too...but his family was not made up of her favorite people...the service was outside in Jan where she had no business being-though she would have gone if I asked her. My sister didn't go either...they weren't on speaking terms and she didn't like his family much either..except for grandma..and she'd died a few years earlier. When mom went into the hospital a few weeks later..I knew...I knew because once upon a time...when my parents were still married but before I was...my father cried in my arms at the thought of losing her...and I prayed then, a very selfish prayer, that God would take dad, before He took mom....I carry this guilt..that I know I need to let go of...I'm not responsible for his death..but I feel like it....I knew that day walking into the hospital that she woudln't survive...and then I thought maybe I was wrong..but even when I thought I was wrong..we were dealing with her not being able to regulate fluids in her body...first dehydrated, then over flowing..she was diagnosed with a kidney infection..understand that at this point, her diagnoses were COPD, CRPD, bilateral nephrostomy tubes, diabetes, and that's just a few...I cant' remember them all..I will say we all had a good laugh, including her because she was on Ritalin...to keep her awake...kidney infections were bad bad bad things for her...she went home about 10 days later, went back in about 3 days later with pneumonia she'd picked up while in there. She ended up in ICU because of some dumb nurse( I can call him that..my sister is a nurse and she said so) We almost lost her....majorly...I took more time off work than I spent at work to be there and half the time if I went to work they ended up calling meto the hospital...the day she came out of ICU...we thought just maybe we were home free for awhile. She'd done it again. She's overcome what the dr's had thought AGAIN. She went home. The next day she was in the ER in pain. They told her nothing was wrong and sent her home...I didn't find out about it until the next day when my sister called me at work. She told me to come...to come now. That this was it. That mom was dying and she wanted to die at home. That's the day my world changed for ever.

I know that I"ve forgotten much...much of my life, much of those weeks. But my mom taught me never to give up. She taught me to treat people with respect. She taught me I was loved and special. She taught me to find another way around when one way won't work. I didn't always tell mom everything...lol..there was plenty she didn't know..and there's plenty I would've done differently. But. she did her best...she loved us, she took care of us, she fought for us..and she fought to stay alive until we were going to be ok. I believe this.

I know this is long, so I'm going to stop...for now...tomorrow I may write more...funnies, things she liked...things we did.

Hold on to your loved ones. Especially your parents if you still have them...even when they get on your nerves..even when times are tough..or you want to scream at them.....or they scream at you. Mom died March 21, 2002. J was born Dec 13, 2002...I have a friend who says that mom got to heaven and told God it was time for me toh have another child.

I'm thankful to God for knowing my mom...and I thank any of you who have made it this far...

tune in tomorrow to hear about driving on the children's museum front lawn among other things...:)

hugs from a teary eyed child...
March 18, 2007 at 8:32pm
March 18, 2007 at 8:32pm
March 18, 2007

Well meaning words like those above (said by a very dear friend who meant only the best) are the reason I have in the past tended to suck up my pain and not bother others with it. The friend who made that statement advised she was not trying to make lite of my pain..and she herself lost her dad 21 years ago...it's only been three years since she let go of the anger and has been able to rejoice in the memories.

Ok, I love this person very much. I do..she's one I turn to when I need an ear...an ear that will be perfectly honest if I want it or need it. But I truly struggled for just a few minutes over whether to hang up on her or not....she's almost a mother substitute...almost old enough to be my mother...also a very dear friend who has been there for me and has let me be there for her. So I struggled through and tried very hard to remember the love she has for me. I wasn't nasty and I didn't hang up the phone. I was even glad when one of her daughters called and interrupted and so saving us the rest of that conversation. I know she meant one day I would no longer dwell over the date each year..I know she meant that I would be able to look on the good times and smile

But to be honest...I already do smile at the good times...even the not so good times. The weeks in the hospital (which I may write down here during the course of this week) the talks we had, the walks we had, the times we shared. I can smile and be thankful. I can remember my mom and dad and the times we shared and laugh over the jokes and smile at the pictures.

I'm not angry. I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm lost. I feel alone. And occasionally, yes I'm angry and wonder why God had to take them both so close together...but even with that..I wouldn't ask them back for anything...because I KNOW{/b{] they are in a better place. I know they are no longer hurting, I know they are no longer worrying...I know that they are in heaven with Christ and that my momma..who spent from the age of 7 unable to walk is dancing in the streets of heaven. I DO rejoice. But I also hurt for what I don't have. I hurt for what I can't see them see...like J...like the young woman C is growing into. Like where my faith has gone. My grief does not make me less...it makes me more...

But there are days like today. That I just wake up so cognisant of what I don't have. What I have lost and I just don't have the energy to suck it up and smile at the world. The world be damned I'm tired of being alone. There's not a soul around me that seems to get it. There's not a soul around me that seems to have been where I am at. I've been through a grief workshop...I've been through counseling with my pastor-it's why I've survived...so thanks PK..and yet I can hear him..the last time I spiraled...that I know what I need to do. I need to open up ..I need to share..and when I do share....then I get words like those above and it makes we want to run back and hide. I don't need to be looked down on for what and how I feel..and while I know that's not how she meant it..it's sure as hell how it feels. Will I say something to her, absolutely not. It's how she is. She's the same way with her girls..she's the same way with the world. She pulls no punches and I love her for it. Most of the time it's what I need. Today. Today I needed an ear, an arm, a shoulder of someone who cares and knows.

Does my beloved know..yes, he knows I'm hurting today. He tries..but doesn't seem to know how to help. Do my kids know..NO. J is too young and wouldn't understand. And C...was hit hard when my parents died and being the drama queen she is..I'm not adding to her reasons to be upset with the world. Selfish, maybe...but I don't want her getting moody and deciding it's because she misses grandma and grandpa...especially when it's because I"m upset.....not becasue she's upset...I don't want to feed it..though I do try to keep my parents alive for my kids...but I try not to let them see my dwell...Hell, I try really hard not to dwell

I wish I had the ability to share my mom's picture with y'all...but I will try, maybe in tomorrow's entry, to share her with you..because she was a force to be reckoned with and a beauty to behold. The pain I feel reflects the amount of love in our relationship....I've tried to be strong and survive...because I didn't want to dishonor her...but I also recall that she was rather upset when her mother died as well...wish she were here now to talk to about it....

Well, timer is beeping on the oven..it's late but supper is ready.

I'm grateful for my life

blessings and peace to you and yours
March 17, 2007 at 9:32pm
March 17, 2007 at 9:32pm
March 17, 2007

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

So far today we've gone to a basketball game-we won 24-2...C made 4 baskets and some assists. We've been bowling..where my 4 year old son did better than I did..lol (he used bumpers I didn't...does that help?) Fun was had by all. HEHEHE.

Now my beloved is out with his best friend, some seriously needed guy friend time for both of them....J is in bed, C is watching a movie but heading to bed shortly...and I am here...tired and not feeling great but doing ok.

So, how has your day been?

hugs and blessings

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