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Take a look into the world as I see it. |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~ ![]() "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ---Edgar Allan Poe ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Traditional Gemini Traits Adaptable and versatile Communicative and witty Intellectual and eloquent Youthful and lively On the dark side.... Nervous and tense Superficial and inconsistent Cunning and inquisitive ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** LIKES ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() DISLIKES ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Five more days until Jerry leaves for Daytona. I will get to spend 3 whole days without him. That three more days of no stress. I am so excited! ![]() |
I forgot to mention that Jerry had a game tonight and a sleepover at the ballpark. It's a promotion that they have going on. So, that means that I won't have to deal with Jerry until tomorrow morning at 9am. Thank God! A whole night to myself! Yippeee! ![]() |
First of all I am sick and tired of being sick! It's so annoying. My nose hurts from having to blow it all of the time. It's all red and tender. I have been sneezing for three days straight.......that hurts too. I am still not sure where this came from. All the kids are out of school now, and everyone has been bringing them into the store everyday. It's possible that I caught a bug from one of them. Probably not though. It's probably an allergy if I am constantly sneezing. I am so tired too. It's hard to sleep when you have nasal blockage and things on your mind. The last few nights, let alone the last few weeks have been heart-wrenching for me. It's been hard to get a decent nights sleep these days. Jerry and I fought and screamed at each other again for what seemed like the one millionth time in a row. This time there was a lot of crying on my part. At first it seemed like I was over Jerry, and now all the sudden, i'm not. I thought I was, but i'm not. In a weird way I am still in love with him. Jerry told me that I am irresponsible and complacent. He also said that I was lazy. He told me that if I didn't find a job by the time he got back home from Michigan in July that he was going to pack up all of my stuff and throw me out into the street. Jerry also told me that I need psychiatric help and that I needed to be on drugs for my problems. So let me get this straight.........I need to to doped out on drugs so I don't experience or express emotions. I am not a psycho! If anything, Jerry needs psychiatric help, not me. Perverts and pathological liars are the ones that need psychiatric care. I know that I need to straighten out my life, get a stable job, and get another car, and show that I am responsible and intelligent. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. I don't know at this point if my life will turn out the way that I want it too. I know God is watching me and I know that he will take care of me. I hope. Sometimes I feel like dumping a cup of scalding hot tea on Jerry's crotch! ![]() ***Update*** I used my nasal irrigation syringe to flush out my sinuses. I did four flushes on each side. When I got to the fourth flush on the left side, the warm salt water came down my throat which I allowed to come out of my mouth. Well, apparently it was too much for my body to take and I ended up throwing up violently from it, and then throwing up caused me to pee my pants ![]() |
1. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you do? I would be shocked, thrilled, and scared at the same time. 2. Do you trust all of your friends? Yes, otherwise they would'nt by my friends now would they? 3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love? I have already been there done that. Would I do it again? Yes, if the circumstances were good and I knew for sure that it would work out this time. 4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes and no. Yes, because I believe God has a plan for all of us. And no, because I believe God allows us to make our own mistakes and choices. Nothing is really set in stone. We can change our minds and God can change his mind too. 5. Name TWO things you do NOT tolerate in a relationship. Abuse and lying. If there were a third choice it would be cheating. 6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor? I don't know. 7. When was the last time you snuck out? I never did those things as a child. I know that if I did that I would have gotten grounded or my ass beat. 8. Are you afraid of falling in love? I wasn't until the recent asshole in my life broke my heart and pride. 9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? My family. Sometimes Jerry. 10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person? Not on purpose. 11. When was the last time you flew in a plane? When I went to Detroit in June 2004 for Jerry's uncle's funeral. Not a happy time. I will never fly again. I hate planes because I am afraid of them. 12. What did the last text message you sent say? I don't send text messages. I don't even have a cell phone. 13. What features do you find most attractive? Sense of humor, personality, intelligence, eyes, and smile. 14. Fill in the blank. I like __the rain______. I like to stay inside from the rain because there are morons that don't know how to drive in it. 15. What are your goals in life? To become successful in life, a great career, get married, and have lots of babies. 17. When you get married, how would you envision your dream wedding? I am very uncertain at this time whether that will ever happen, let alone finding the right man for myself. 18. If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? That's a dumb question. It's impossible to say just one thing for the rest of my life. 19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would call? My family. 20. How many kids do you want to have? At least 4, that's if I get to experience motherhood. 21. Would you make a good parent? I know that I will make an excellent mother. I just need to be given that chance. If I get the chance. 22. Where was your default pic taken? I don't have a default pic. 23. What is your middle name? Dawn. 27. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?? Whether I am going to given another chance at love and having a family of my own. 28. Are you musical? Yes. 29. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change? I would change a lot of things. The first thing that I would change is that I wouldn't get in over my head in debt, or would have lived with my mother's parents, I would've finished college, or meet Jerry. I think that I would have been a lot happier if it weren't for those things. I blame myself for all of these things that have happened. 30. Shoe size: Dress shoe: 9-9.5 in Athletic shoes: 9.5-10. It also depends on the brand of shoe. 31. What are you wearing right now? A lavender tank top and lounge pants. 32. Righty or lefty: Both. 33. Can you make a dollar in change right now: As a matter of fact, yes I can. 34. Best place to go for a date: Dinner and a movie. 35. Favorite jeans: I don't wear jeans. 37. Favorite animal: Cats. 38. Favorite month: Anytime when it's not too hot. 39. Favorite juice: Cranberry. 40. Have you had the chicken pox?: When I was five. 41. Have you had a sore throat?: Yep. Several times in my life. I just had one on Thursday. 42. Have you had plastic surgery?: No. But When I get down to my normal weight I am going to get my stretch marks removed with a laser. 43. Who knows you the best? No one really. I keep to myself a lot. 45. Do you get along with your family?: For the most part. 44. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? I wear both. 46. Ever been in a fight with your pet? ![]() ![]() 47. Been to Mexico?: Nope. I don't think I want to go there. 49. Did you buy something today? Yes. Groceries. 50. Did you get sick today? No. I got sick on Thursday, and I am still sick. 52. Do you miss someone today?: My family. 53. Did you get in a fight with someone today?: Yes. Jerry. It was more of a crying and shouting match. Jerry was shouting and I was doing both. 54. Did you have sex today? No, and I probably won't for the rest of my life. 55. Last person to sleep in your bed?: Me and Jerry. 56. Last person to see you cry? Jerry. 57. Who made you cry? Jerry. 58. What was the last TV show you watched?: Metal Mania on VH1 Classic. 60. What are your plans for the weekend?: Relax and try to figure out what to do with my life. |
1. Do you know anyone in Prison? In my family? No. A celebrity? Several. 2. Have you ever logged onto a bf/gf/crush's MySpace page? No. 3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly A couple months ago. I don't eat it that much, because as a child that's all that there was to eat. 4. Which do you enjoy more: Soccer or Hockey? Hockey. 5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party The only parties that I have been to are family parties. So, no I have not. 6. Name someone you miss? My family. 7. Are you named after a grandparent? No. I am named after one of my mom's old friends. And my middle name is after my mom. 8. Who loves you? Only my family, and Jesus. 9. Have you ever broken a rib? No. 11. Who is the most spoiled person you know? I have no idea. 12. Would you rather have a billion dollars or true love? I would like to have a lot of money, but it's impossible to aquire a billion dollars, for me anyway. I think having love is more important. 13. Which of your friends have a private piercing? None that I know of. 14. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine? No. I don't have a boyfriend and I am not a lesbian. 15.Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older? Doesn't matter to me anymore. 17. What's your favorite junk food? Bratwurst or Italian sausage. 18. Is your birthday on a holiday? No. My birthday is a day before Flag Day though. 19. What's up? The sky. ![]() 20. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now? No. 21. Are you a vegetarian? No. I won't eat pork or ham though. Especially after I found out that you can contract tapeworm if it isn't cooked or processed properly. 22. Do you worry about global warming? No. 23. Do you like polar bears? Yeah. I think they're cute. 24. What song do you want played at your funeral? I don't know. Death is far from my mind. I don't even want to touch on that subject for a long time. 25. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true? I hope so. 26. Do you wear your boyfriend/girlfriends clothes? No. 27. Are you a country or city girl/boy? I am a city girl. 28.Are you taller than 5'6? Yes. I am 5'8. 29. Do you consider yourself spoiled? Not really. |
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Jerry was out with his co-workers lastnight until 1am, it was one of their birthdays. As soon as Jerry gets home he turns the tv on full blast, turns on almost every damn light in the house, then gets on the computer. He doesn't get to bed until probably 3am. Between that time I am having a hell of a time falling asleep. Which pisses me off because midday yesterday, one side of my nose became clogged and my throat started to get scratchy. I have no idea where it came from. Did I catch a cold? Or was it from getting into the closet and rummaging through old crap? Is it allergies? It was hard enough staying asleep with one-nostril breathing let alone Jerry and his damn noises! ![]() |
Lastnight Jerry tried to drag me into another fight. I just ignored him like Melissa is fashionably late! ![]() ![]() |
Jerry and I got into another fight lastnight. Jerry threatened to keep Max from me, and I started to bawl really hard. I even got mad and threw stuff. It turns out that Jerry was kidding. How cruel! ![]() ![]() Jerry told me this morning that his mother called him yesterday while he was out doing his networking, and she told him that if was just money issues that kept me from getting home she would give me the money to go home. I don't want help from Jerry's family. I would rather get a full time job and save up the money on my own. Besides, my dad could fly me up immediately if I wanted to come home now. I can't go home yet, because I am not going to leave all of my personal belongings for Jerry to have, sell, or do whatever with. I will have to stick it out until I have the means to go back home. This is what I am pissed off about; Jerry promised that he wouldn't tell his family until we were absolutely sure what was going to happen. It's been only a few weeks since we broke things off and it hasn't been enough time before we decided anything. Well, knowing that Jerry has a big mouth, he blabbed everything to his dad, and in turn his dad tells Jerry's sister, and then his sister tells their mother. This is so embarrassing knowing that they know. Jerry has made it look like I am the only one between the two of us as to why our relationship has gone on the wayside. If only they knew about Jerry's sleaze-capades on the internet with the webcam, and everything else. His actions a few years back are what caused the chain reaction that led to our break-up. This relationship is like a sweater; if it has a loose string and you pull on it, it unravels, just a relationship does, when one person causes enough pain to screw everything up. I am reeling because Jerry is making himself look like all peaches and sunshine to his family. It pisses me off! ![]() |
I now know that I will enjoy life a lot more without Jerry. I can definately do a lot better than him. I do regret ever meeting Jerry, letting him take my virginity and running away with him. I should have left him as soon as I found out what a sleaze bag he is. He says he blames me for 70% of the relationship going sour. Bullshit! He accused me of using him because he has paid for most of the bills for the duration of our relationship. I told my grandmother a few weeks ago, what had happened between Jerry and I with the break up and everything, and how he has treated me. She said that if a man can't support the woman that he loves in every sense, whether it's financial or whatever, then he is not worth keeping. I told him that I wasn't going to have sex with him anymore and that I refuse to have sex with someone that doesn't love me. I told him that I wasn't going to let him use me anymore. He tried to spin it around as if I was using him financially. My intentions were never to use him. I don't see myself as using him. But if he wants to see it that way, then let him. He said that he never used me when he had sex with me. Yeah right. All men are the same when it comes to sex. They can chew women up and spit them out. So can women, but it's more with men. I can't wait to get out of here. I am not sure if I can survive three more months with Jerry. It will be pure torture. I hope that I can be out of here sooner than that. I need a full time job and a car first, plus money saved up. When I get paid this week, I am going to get a cat carrier for Max. It isn't just for the move, it's also in case of a hurricane. Also, I have no idea where I will stay. Dad has no room for me because Jazlyn has one room and Sheila has the other. Plus dad has a lot of stuff stored in the den. I am not sure if grandma and grandpa could house me with a cat. One thing is for sure, I am not abandoning Max. Jerry asked if dad could fly me home. I said "Yeah, probably. But what about my stuff?" He said, "I can mail it to you little by little." Then I said, "No way in hell am I leaving my stuff here with you. I don't trust that you will be honest about sending all of my stuff to me." Then he just shruggs his shoulders as if to say, "Whatever." I am afraid that he might withhold or steal some of my stuff. I am going to wait until I have transportation and enough money to make it back home. My dad can't come down and pick me up because his health isn't that great and he is having trouble with his leg again. I am not leaving my stuff down here so that Jerry can have it. Hell no. He also acts as if he can't wait to get me out of here. I need a man that doesn't have so many hang ups. He calls me insecure. ![]() Jerry has a short temper, he does crude/lewd things on the internet (trade x-rated pics, im other girls, gives other girls his cell number, jerks off on the webcam), talks negative and drags me down with him. He has recently started to put me down and pick out my imperfections. Like anyone is perfect. He has even gone as far as telling me to my face that he thinks as himself as 'perfect'. Give me a break! ![]() ![]() He tells me the main reason why he doesn't love me anymore is because of the financial problems. If that is the main reason, then that means that he loves money more than people. I have a part time job. It's not much, but it's something. I think that it's effort of some kind, but he doesn't see it that way. Just like nothing is good enough for him. He tells me that my attitude sucks and that I have gained too much weight since we've been together. I blame that on him for the most part. Ever since I caught him in late 2004 with the x-rated pics of himself and recorded webcam footage of him jerking off my attitude has taken a dive, and that goes for my weight too. I forgave him the first and second time that I caught him and that he would change, he didn't. Then I caught him a third, fourth, and fifth time. He never had respect for me and he never loved me. If that is the kind of life that he wanted to have with internet sleaze-bimbos, with the idea of threesomes and swinging, he should have told me this in the beginning and I would have never been hurt. Jerry thinks that swinging and threesomes are perfectly fine and innocent. With finding out what type of person Jerry really is, I know that I have the strength to move on with my life and be happy. I know that I will find a far better guy than Jerry is. Jerry is verbally and mentally abusive and he denies that he is like that at all. Since when is yelling, screaming, and putting a person down, not abuse? His excuse for his yelling is that being nice to me doesn't work and that he has to be firm and forceful with me to get me do things the right way. I continue to lose weight and I have lost a total of 40 pounds now! ![]() JERRY CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL! GOODBYE TO THE ABUSIVE BASTARD FOREVER! |
I can't wait for Jerry to leave next Friday. He will be gone for 3 whole days!!!!!! Yippeee!!!!! Then less than two weeks after that he will be catching a flight out of here to Michigan for 10 days, then after he gets back, he will be here overnight then will leave for two days on a company trip. He will be gone for a total of 16 days altogether. Yay! It will be nice to have him gone for that length of time. Maybe all of this rest will make him chill out for a change. ![]() |
Jerry is a lost cause. I totally give up on him as a human being. He is too hung up to connect from one person to another. He doesn't hug or kiss me anymore, although he seduced me on Friday after we got home from work and had sex with me. ![]() ![]() |
I thought that I was certain of what I wanted and in what direction my life was going in. A lot can change in 3-4 months. It might be sometime after September before I return to Michigan. With or without Jerry, I know that I will be alright. I still love Jerry and hope that things will turn out good for us as a couple. Jerry's not sure and I am not sure what direction we as a couple are going in. There are so many things that I want out of life. A family of my own, with a husband and lots of babies to love and take care of. It's all that I ever wanted out of life since I was a kid. I still want those things. Will I have those things? I know that God hasn't forgotten about me because I wouldn't have come through my surgery back in October. I know that I am here for a reason, I just don't know what that reason is yet. I will be 30 in eleven days. I feel like I have done nothing with my life. I want to leave a legacy of some sort. I want to prove that I can be a better wife and mother, than my mother was to me and dad. This isn't the only reason why I want to have kids. The fact of the matter is that I love kids. I think that they are funny and bring great joy and love into peoples lives. I want to experience everything, pregnancy, childbirth, raising my children and grandchildren. I want a loving husband who respects me and won't hurt me. I wonder if I will ever have these things. |
Isn't this beautiful? ![]() ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I have this calendar called, "Life's Little Instruction Calendar." Today's advice is "Never make an important decision until you have control of your emotions" I think that I have great control over my emotions. I have a pretty clear head over what I want now regarding Jerry. I have made the decision that I am leaving him. I thought about it a lot since writing my blog entry lastnight. Given the way Jerry reacts to stress I have decided that he isn't the one for me. I need a more mentally stable man. Not one that hyperventilates over little or big things that you have no control over. I need a man that is going to treat me like his queen not his bitch-slave! ![]() |
![]() ![]() Jerry has gross habits anyway. He will pick his nose while driving in the car, he will also eat the boogers too! ![]() The bottom-line is that I need a man, not a kindergartener! |
![]() ![]() I am almost regretting that I entered into this port raid contest that I am in too. All I have gotten is crappy ratings and reviews. I don't expect to get 5 stars on everything, but I also don't think that I should be ripped apart on all of the reviews that I get from the one person. Reviews are supposed to be at least kind. I don't think that I deserve 2 stars on anything in my port. This is my opinion though. I don't expect people kiss my ass either, but I do feel they should be less harsh on my work. Although there has been one person that has been giving me really honest and nice reviews. Everyone has an opinion just like they have an asshole! Ahhhh! I feel better getting all of these thoughts out of my mind and off my chest. The only good thing about today is that I am home now, and I don't have to work again until Friday. ![]() |
I went to the baseball game lastnight at Jerry's work. They had a thing called "Bark in the Park" and it was pretty cool. All owners of dogs were allowed to bring their pooches into the ballpark, plus there were some animal rescue people there too. It wasn't just dogs, there was one company that deals specifically with cats, and they had brought about five kitties with them. Two were kittens, and the other three were adult cats. I almost took one of the kittens home lastnight, but Jerry reminded me that our landlord only wants us to have adult cats not kittens. I think that it's a stupid rule! ![]() ![]() |
*SIGH* Okay, I understand that not everyday is going to go smoothly, but today didn't have to have so many things go wrong. ![]() ![]() ![]() I am now laughing about what happened to me at the laundry mat. Now that I think about it, it was rather amusing, even though it made a total mess of me and the building. At least I won't be the one to clean it up........there's a bright side! ![]() |