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 |  Take a look into the world as I see it. |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~  "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ---Edgar Allan Poe ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Traditional Gemini Traits Adaptable and versatile Communicative and witty Intellectual and eloquent Youthful and lively On the dark side.... Nervous and tense Superficial and inconsistent Cunning and inquisitive ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** LIKES  Talking Novelty and the unusual Variety in life Multiple projects all going at once ReadingDISLIKES Feeling tied down Being in a rut Mental inaction Being alone Liars** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Not having Jerry cuddle up to me feels strange. I miss that connection we had. I miss the touching and kissing. That soulmate connection we had with each other. I just want nothing more, but to be loved and touched, to have that emotional and physical connection. It's not fair. I have no one to hug or hold me now.  I just realized this after a month of not having that. It dawned on me today and I started to cry. I never felt like this with any of my other boyfriends. Of course, Jerry is the only boyfriend that I ever had sex with. Maybe that's what it is. I never felt love from my other boyfriends except Jerry. It isn't about the sex, it's about the emotional and mental connection. It's hard to say exactly how I feel on the inside. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. I just want to be loved. It's not the kind of love that family or friends can give. It's the kind of love that only a soulmate can give. I guess that's the best way that I can describe it.  I just want everything to come back together like it once was when Jerry and I didn't have the financial woes, and we had the love and closeness that we once shared with each other. |
| I heard last week that Rosie O'Donell might take over The Price Is Right. I will never watch that show again if they allow that loud-mouth moose take over that show. If she takes over, they can bet for damn sure that shows ratings will go down and they will have to cancel. Why can't they get someone like Chuck Wholery (not sure if I spelled that right, well you know, The Love Connection guy)? He would be perfect for that job, plus the ladies love him. Just a thought. |
| I had another one of those long talks with Jerry yesterday, only it was through email. We got into another fight in the car yesterday morning when I was dropping him off at work. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and if he was having sex. He didn't answer me. I asked him again, then he replied, "Does it matter anymore?" I said, "As a matter of fact it does. I have a right to know." He doesn't utter a word. Then I reply, "Your silence means that you are." Jerry replies, "I am not going to tell you one way or another." To me, when someone says something like that, it means yes. But when we got to his work, he said that he wasn't. I was going to email him after I got home because I felt really bad for freaking out and crying and carrying on the way that I did. Jerry beat me to the emailing. He told me what I needed to do to win his love back. I know that I am in the wrong with a lot things in this relationship. I do at times act immature and childish. I know that I need to be an adult, work full time and pay my half of the bills. I need to step up and take responsibility for my obligations. I have been neglectful and distant for a long time. I do need to change. This is all unrelated to what Jerry and I have been going through. About a couple months before my 30th birthday I thought about things that I need to change to make myself a better person. Here are some of the changes that I will be making to better myself: 1. I will grow up and take responsbility for my bills and my half the rent, utility bills, groceries, etc. 2. I will have faith and trust in him. 3. I will behave like a grown adult and not like a child. 4. I will have a stable/steady 40 hr week job, and if need be I will take on a part time job if we need more money. He works a lot of hours already. 5. Take part in his hobbies and interest, because I am truly into what he is, otherwise I would have never met up with him in '03 if I wasn't. I don't pretend to like something just because he likes it. That would be wrong. 6. I will no longer accuse him of cheating or sleeping around. Even if we are presently broke up. 7. I will ditch the negative attitude for good. But, I have the right to feel sad or down once in awhile. That's only human. I promise not to whine anymore. 8. I will take better care of myself. This means, that I will stop eating junk food, no candy, etc. I will start exercising to lose weight. This in turn will transform me back into the bubbly girl that he once knew. I was bubbly because I was getting all of the endorphins from the exercise before and during the time I knew him. I feel that my ideal weight for my height will range anywhere from 150-170 pounds. My weight had nothing to do with my brain tumor, that was totally independent of that. I will lose the weight. Which means no dairy, wheat, or soy. 9. I promise to spend less time on the computer and more time with Jerry. I want to get to know Jerry all over again. I want us to interact as a couple like we once did. We need to do things as a couple. I love going to the beach and all that other stuff. 10. Jerry will have emotional support from me. I haven't exactly been there for him. Okay, per my cousin Melissa is fashionably late! 's request, I will add an 11th item to my list:11. I will stand up for myself and be supportive of myself because right now I should be the most important person in my life, not some guy who blames all of life's blunders on me. I am not doing this to get Jerry back. I am doing this more for myself than anyone else. I am supposed to be in the prime of my life and haven't really done anything with my life. |
| I don't know how much longer I can keep dealing face to face with people working in retail. Some of these people just make my blood boil with some of the things they do or say. I think some of it's my problem because of what I have been going through with Jerry. Hopefully all of these problems will go away or improve. I am currently looking for something full time that pays a lot more. I am not doing it just to please Jerry, I am doing it for myself more than anything. Plus, I need my own car so that I can go places whenever I want to. Things will be tons better once there is more cash flow and Jerry and I both have cars again. Then after that, all problems will disappear, and everything will be good again. |
I was right on my first impression of why Jerry didn't call me. He was really busy the entire time. I understand, a phone call would have been nice. I went and picked him up at around 3:45pm today. Jerry got burnt pretty good on his back. He said that he put sunscreen on his own back but it didn't stay on. Probably because he did it himself. He said the waves in Daytona were about 4 feet high. I am jealous about the beach part. He also told me that he had 15 Jell-O shots, and some Jack & Rum shots. He said that he had prostate problems while he was there and that it was pretty painful. He thinks that it's from all of the alcohol that he had. We talked about other things too. He said that he needs to see a lot more improvement on my end than just getting the house clean. I know that I can do it. I am going to get everything in my life back on track. He also promised that he wouldn't have sexual relations with other women while we are trying to sort things out. That makes me feel a lot better about things. Jerry said that he needs to see a lot of consistency on my part to make things work for us. I have faith that everything will work out.  Maybe I blew things way out of proportion with everything. I had a long talk with God lastnight and I believe he is going to guide me through this crisis. I believe in him. Plus, I have a great feeling about all of this. |
You know all that trash that I hauled out of the house lastnight? Well some nasty person went through and dug stuff out of the dumpster. I am sorry, but I have too much class to dig shit out of the dumpster. Who would want something after it's been in a dirty-smelly dumpster anyway?  People are sick and gross! The thought of people coming by and doing that makes me want to puke! |
It seems as though everyone around me is fighting Leukemia. My next door neighbor Gary has Leukemia, a lady that I work with has Leukemia. My next door neighbor has moved out and last I heard, he flunked some test to see the progress of his treatment. My co-worker also failed this same test. Now I learn that I fellow WDC member also has Leukemia. It isn't fair.  Why does it seem that a lot of people have this disease? I wish that they would find a cure for this killer. |
| Jerry is gone until tomorrow, and I just finished cleaning the house and taking a shower. I must have hauled out 10 bags full of trash to the dumpster, and a few boxes that we don't need. I think Jerry will be impressed with what I have done with the house. I haven't heard from him since yesterday when he told me that he made it to Daytona. I know that he accidently left his charger here at home. So maybe his phone has died and that's why he hasn't called me. He could be too busy having fun to call me too. You would think that he would use his brain and ask his one of his co-workers if he could use their phone. Maybe he just doesn't care. But he cared enough to call me yesterday when he got to Daytona. I don't understand him sometimes. He even kissed me goodbye too. |
| Well, Jerry is gone for the weekend. I am going to take advantage of this opportunity and get the house spic-n-span while he's gone. That will make him happy. I showed Jerry the teddy bear that dad sent to me for my birthday. He looked at the cupcake that the bear was holding and said that it needed a lot more candles than that.  I called him a smart-ass and laughed at him. I told him that he wasn't that far behind me. |
In about 7 hours I get to drop Jerry off at work so he can go with his co-workers to Daytona for the weekend. Which will be nice because we need a break from each other. I think tomorrow I am going to stop at the grocery store and pick up a double chocolate cake and some ice cream so that I can have a belated birthday treat for myself. It will make me feel better, and besides, I need to indulge once in awhile, right?  |
Dad finally called me and asked if I received his present. The FedEx guy came and delivered a package from my dad. It was a bear from the "Build-A-Bear Company" holding a cupcake that said "Happy Birthday" it was really cute. He told me "Happy Belated Birthday." His excuse was; "Well I called you the day before and I called you today." This must be a guy thing or something. I still haven't heard a word from grandma yet. Oh well, it's gone and past. My secondary family from WDC made me feel a lot better about myself and I just want to say, Thank You!  |
| Lastnight wasn't a total waste. Jerry called me because his co-workers were going to the bar for drinks. I had to go with them because I had the car, and I had to pick Jerry up. Jerry's co-worker, Jay bought me beer. I only had 5 beers and I got sick and threw up. They were light beers too and they weren't that big in size and they still got me drunk! I thought I was fine after I threw up at the bar because I was walking straight and everything. When I got home I had to pee really bad. Then after I settled into bed, I had to get up once again to pee, and I could barley walk.......my whole body went limp and I fell asleep right away. My stomache still feels raw like I have to puke again. But I think that I can hold it down. Jerry also bought me a little dinner too. I told him how my family stiffed me, and I guess he felt bad so he bought me dinner. |
 Ya know, there comes a time when certain things get old. Not receiving phone calls for birthday wishes is a big one. Especially this year. Not one of my family members called me to wish me a Happy 30th. At least Melissa is fashionably late! my cousin emailed me, and of course my friends from my group, The Angel Army. Thank you very much! The least can be said about my family. I feel cheated and worthless when my family doesn't acknowledge me on my birthday of all days. Belated birthday wishes will not be accepted from family members, unless there is a great excuse as to why. For several years, they have blown off my birthday and always celebrated it later than usual. When it's celebrated later, then it doesn't really count. Lame excuses don't count! Belated wishes from my friends on here are okay. There is no good excuse for what my family did. My grandparents, my dad, my sisters, and my mother, just blew me off. I always call them on their birthdays. I will not call a family member so that they can wish me a happy birthday. They should be the ones calling me. Phone calls aren't that expensive, unless you live outside the country, and trust me none of my family members live outside the country. |
Well, I haven't really had an interesting day yet. I haven't had a birthday cake in forever. I worked today. The only thing that was even remotely exciting was a thunderstorm that knocked out the stores power for a half an hour. We had to kick out of the customers out because it. We also had a thunderstorm at 1:30am. To me a thunderstorm is a birthday present, I love those things!  Storms are one of nature's most beautiful phenomenons!I have also decided that I don't need Jerry in my life. If he doesn't want me, screw him. I don't need him. I can't wait to move out and get away from him. I don't see any hope of reconciliation so I will definately be leaving. I have already made up my mind. Jerry told me "Happy Birthday" twice last night and three times this morning. Then he gave me a hug when I dropped him off. He would have given me a kiss but he had a zit on his upper lip. It's just as well, because it would be inappropriate for him to kiss me, on the cheek or where ever. I don't need anything from him. The less contact he has with me, the better off we will both be. |
| Well, just 4 hours and 5 minutes to go before my birthday! I may not have the relationship that I want with Jerry, but I have my life and my family. If things don't work out between Jerry and I, that's fine. I know that there are better guys out there if he doesn't want me. |
| How many keys are on your keychain? House keys, car keys, and the mail key. What curse word do you use the most? "Fuck" Do you own an iPod? No. What time is your alarm clock set for? 6:30, but I usually wake up at 8:15am. How many suitcases do you own? None. I have duffle bags. Do you wear flip-flops even when it's cold outside? I don't wear flip-flops. Where do you buy your groceries from? Super Target, Publix, or Nature's Food Patch. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? I love to take the photos. What was the last movie you watched? Much Ado About Nothing. Do any of your friends have children? Yes, a few. If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you would buy? A new car and a house. Has anyone ever called you lazy? Yes. Who isn't lazy these days? Everyone is lazy at some point in their lives. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? Nope. What CD is currently in your CD player? In the car I have my Rob Zombie Cd, in the CD player. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Chocolate milk. Has anyone told you a secret this week? No. What did you have for dinner? A salad and some tater tots. Do you wear hoodies often? Never. Can you whistle? Yes. Have you ever paticipated in a protest? Nope. Who was the last person to call you? My dad. What is your favorite ride at an amusement park? Rollercoaster. Do you think people talk about you behind your back? Probably. What area code are you in right now? 727 Did you watch cartoons as a child? Yes. She-Ra, He-Man, and Jem are some of them. How big is your local mall? It's a decent size. Of course it depends on which one you are talking about, we have several in the area. How many siblings do you have? 3 full-blooded sisters, 2 half brothers (1 maternal, and 1 paternal), and 1 maternal half-sister. Are you shy around the opposite sex? Sort of. Have you ever had Jamba Juice? No. But there is one in the mall that I work at that I have been itching to try. When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt? I'm not sure. It's been awhile since I had a side-splitting laugh. It would feel good though. Better than crying.What movie do you know every line to? Disney's The Little Mermaid Do you own any band t-shirts? Ummmm.......high school or rock band? I don't have any school band t-shirts, but I have a Van Halen t-shirt that I bought in 2004 when they were touring. When was your last plane ride? In June 2004. How many chairs are at your dining room table? Four. What is your favorite salad dressing? Hmmm.....several. Do you read for fun? Yes. Can you speak any languages other than English? Some Spanish. Do you do your own dishes? Yes. What color is your bedroom painted? White. Have you ever cried in public? Yes. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Desktop. Are you always trying to learn new things? Yes, life would be boring if I didn't. Do you shower on a daily basis? Yes. I feel dirty if I don't. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? A third piercing in both ears. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date? I don't know anymore, lol! Can you skip rocks? Without trying I can. But if I intentionally try it, it doesn't work. Have you ever been to Jamaica? No. What to snack on at the movie theaters? Popcorn and an icee, and maybe some cotton candy. Who was your favorite teacher? My Spanish teacher Mrs. White. Have you ever dated someone out of your race? Yes. I dated a Malaysian guy, and another guy that was half Greek and Arabic. What is the weather like? Hot and muggy. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? I don't know. What was your favorite class in high school? Arts and band. Do you enjoy traveling in airplanes? No, I am afraid of them. What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex? A great sense of humor and honesty. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive? No, not really. Looks aren't everything though. If the guy is drop-dead hot and he's an asshole, he becomes the ugliest person on earth. When was the last time you slept on the floor? About a month ago. It was when Jerry and I officially broke up. I got mad and went into the livingroom and slept on the floor. What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Martinis or daqueris (strawberry or raspberry). Does your closest Starbucks have a drive-thru? No, it's inside Super Target. Do you like your living arrangement? Not at this present time because I am living with my ex. What is your mother's hometown? I have no idea. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? 7 Do you eat breakfast daily? No, I never eat breakfast. What was the last thing to scare you? The car accident that I had back in February with a drunk driver. Are your days full and fast-paced? Pretty much always. Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class? No, I was the quiet one. What is your favorite fruit? Anything ending in 'berry' or 'berries'! Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? Most of the time. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? I will be 30 tomorrow. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? Yep! Do you believe in life on other planets? Yes of course, we just haven't discovered them yet. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes. Six Flags: Arlington Texas and their water park Hurricane Harbor next door. Who was the last person to make you mad? Jerry is the last one that pissed me off. Do you believe that God has a gender? No. But quite frequently God is referenced as 'he'. What was the last thing you ate? McDonald's. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex? Opposite sex usually. What did you dress up as for your first Halloween? I don't remember. How did your parents pick your name? My Mom named me after a friend of hers, and that's how I became Nicole. Do you like mustard? Yes, I like it better than ketchup! What do you tell yourself when times get hard? Remain calm. Would you ever sky dive? No probably not. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Side or tummy. What character from a movie most reminds you of yourself? I don't know. Have you ever bid for something on ebay? No. Do you enjoy giving hugs? Yes!!! Would you consider yourself to be fashionable? Sometimes. Do you own a digital camera? I did, but mine malfuntioned on me. What celebrities have you been compared to? Lynda Carter. Because of my eyes and dark hair. Who is your favorite Star Wars character? Queen Amadalla. I think I spelled that right....... Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do? No. What books, if any, have made you cry? I don't recall a book ever making me cry. Do you think you're attractive? Yes. What are you allergic to? Mold, dust, dogs, wheat, soy, and dairy. Are you a jealous person? I can be, but most of the time, no way. What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? No chance in Hell. Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat? No. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been? Steven after my dad. How old was your mother when you were born? 16 Whats your shoe size? 9.5 Is your hair soft? Yes, it's like silk. Are you toes long? No, they're medium in length. Do your feet smell? No. Do you have big toenails? No... Do you wear a watch? I used to until it broke. But hey, my ex gave it to me. The relationship never worked so why should the watch? Do you have big lips? Well, I have full lips like a model, but I don't know if that is considered big or not. Do you have abs? Yes, but they are sort of hidden right now. Do you have aim? Most of the time. Do you have MSN? Not at this present time, right now I have Yahoo. Favorite Color? Pink. Perfect Man? I don't have one. My dad or my grandfather comes to mind though. Turn offs? Lots of things. |
| Looks like I spoke too soon when I said that we haven't had a fight for quite awhile. We got into another fight, only this time it was pretty epic. It was all about the same shit. Here are some of the top reasons why I am at fault according to Jerry: 1) MONEY 2) Because I don't have "girlfriends" (yeah right, I am sure that he would see any friends that I have as something more than just "friends". Probably so he can suggest a threesome) 3) MONEY 4) I don't have a full time job (not for long) 5) MONEY 6) I have a negative attitude (gee, who's fault is that?) 7) MONEY 8) I have a low-self esteem (again, that's his fault too) 9) MONEY 10) I won't perform threesomes or swinging 11) MONEY 12) I am not into sports like he is (not true, he just wants a girl with a set of balls) 13) MONEY 14) I am not aggressive enough in the bedroom (excuse me, who's the real woman in the relationship?) 15) MONEY 16) I refuse to get psychiatric help for a mental illness that I don't have 17) MONEY 18) Because I put on a few more pounds through the 3.5 years we've been together 19) MONEY 20) I am too conservative when it comes to sex (this is because I won't participate in threesomes and swinging) Lastnight, Jerry told me that I am stupid and lazy. Look who's talking. That really hurt. He didn't use the word "stupid", he used the word "incompetent". It means the same thing. Here are the top reasons as to why I am no longer attracted to him. 1) He's an arrogant bastard 2) Thinks he's perfect 3) He's Mentally and verbally abusive 4) He's a sick pervert 5) Has no consideration for my feelings 6) Only cares about money 7) Refuses to believe that maybe he is the one that needs psychiatric help 8) He doesn't tell his family the truth as to why he's to blame for some of the things that have happened 9) He's an asshole 10) Never wants to compromise, thinks that his way is the only way 11) He acts more like a woman than I do 12) He has a nasty temper 13) He picks his nose in public 14) Cries about things that are out of his control or mine 15) Refuses to give up his lewd x-rated behaviors on the internet because he feels that it's totally innocent and that there is nothing wrong with it (this includes everything that I mentioned in my previous entries) 16) He belittles me and makes me look like the dumb one He has all of the qualities that I don't want in a man. I don't know how much more I can take. This is really stressing me out. I don't know what to do. Lastnight, Jerry told me that I need to move out and live on my own for awhile and see what it's like. Which means we part ways for awhile. How about forever? That sounds like a better plan to me. He also told me that he doesn't want sex with me because he's no longer attracted to me. I am not attracted to him either. How are those apples? He thinks that I am totally enamoured with him and that I would do anything to keep him. Whatever! Not True! He said that maybe down the line we will get back together. I probably wouldn't want him by that time. By then I will have lost interest in him altogether. Knowing the way he thinks about sex he will probably sleep with 10 other women during the time of our separation, and if that's the case then I don't want him back. That's gross. Besides, I think that I can find a much better man that will treat me better, love me for who I am, and who I can have reasonably good looking children with. At this point I no longer care what happens to this relationship. I am totally disenfranchised with this whole thing. Like I said before, JERRY CAN GO TO HELL! |
| Jerry and I got into a shouting match because we had another missunderstanding. We were in the car on our way to physical therapy when it happened. On the way Jerry missed a turn and I asked him why he didn't make the turn going to US 19, he said it was because he didn't want to be in the car with me if we were going to fight. Now he knows how I feel when he starts shit with me. We called a truce when we got the the grocery store. We haven't fought for the rest of the day. I am not sure how much of this garbage I can take. Jerry and I both have the day off tomorrow. I just hope that we don't get on each others nerves. Jerry wants me to do this total 180 and completely change if I want things to work. In the meantime, Jerry continues to do his sleazy crap on the internet and his stupid texting on his company cell phone. I wonder how his boss would feel if he knew that Jerry was missusing the company phone? How can he expect me to change when he refuses to change himself? He says that I push him away when I complain or question his integrity, but he does the same thing with his nasty addictions, silence, and being secretive about the things that he does when I am asleep in bed. |
| Two more days until my 30th Birthday. I am just a little shocked about it. I am not nervous or depressed about it anymore. Just slightly bummed out because I won't be around anyone that loves me, that's all. |
| I am tired of Jerry bitching all of the time! He is constantly glaring over at me, and getting in my shit about money. Hey! I am on the verge of finding a much better job. We just need to hold tight until I find that job. He needs to be more patient with people. There is NO WAY that I am taking full blame for all of this crap. He had extra money last month, which he should have saved instead of blowing it all at the bar and playing arcade games. It's his fault that he won't have extra money for his trip to Daytona this week. He didn't HAVE TO book a 10 day vacation and rent a car for 10 days! And HE DIDN'T HAVE to book that stupid flight home in the first place around the holiday of all things! He should have saved his money. If it weren't for his rash decision making, we would have a lot more money than what we had/have. If he had waited a few more months we probably would've moved back home, which would have saved him almost $1,000! Then we wouldn't be in this so-called hole. He's also the one that spent $30 of my money on Friday night on beer. If it weren't for that, we would have more money for groceries. He only has himself to blame for that. I still think that when he goes to the bar he meets up with someone. Today he had plans to go out and borrow money. He keeps looking at his watch as if he has an appointment with someone. I still think that he's seeing someone on the side, even though he denies it each time I ask him. I think that he lies about everything. He hasn't taken his shoes off yet, so he probably still plans on going out, even though neither of us can afford it. I would spend time with him, but he keeps shooting daggers at me as if he resents me for all that is wrong. Well, he is now eating whole cloves of garlic, so I doubt that he will be going out now, lol! I just questioned him a few minutes ago about the texting and such, and he says "The more accusations that you make, the more you push me away." Gee, I thought that I had already pushed him away. He is very confusing at times. |
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The only weight you'll lose via sweating is water weight.