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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| Day 3 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "You have been named as a suspect in a crime that you didn't commit (and had no knowledge that it even occurred). It was a burglary and now you're being questioned by the police. Write the interrogation, from a handful of questions you are asked, to the answers you provide. Feel free to implicate other members as possible suspects to clear your name." I was left stumped by this prompt at first but then I decided to just go with it! What follows is a bit of fun. All the people are from my “Fans” page and linked items were taken from their ports. If you don’t want to be linked in the report just let me know and I’ll take you (or your items) out! I hope you will enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed making it! POLICE REPORT At an unknown time and day in August, 2011, a heinous crime was committed here in the UK. The summer "Invalid Item" was stolen. The date of the theft is unknown because the "Invalid Item" regularly disappears from Great Britain but as it has been gone for an inordinate amount of time this year, we must conclude that it has been stolen.The main suspect of the crime is Ghostranch  due to the excessive amount of dark and gloomy writings in her port. What follows is a transcript of the interrogation of the named suspect.Officer: Where were you some time in the middle of August? Ghostranch : Can you be a bit more specific please?Officer: Not really. Please give a detailed description of your whereabouts and actions throughout the month of August. Ghostranch : Well... okay... mostly I’ve been spending time at "Invalid Item" , trying to avoid my responsibilities at the "Invalid Item" and "Invalid Item" (joke!) I know I’ve spent time in Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! ’s, Phoenix ’s and Hannah ♫♥♫ ’s portfolios, and possibly others. It’s hard to remember. What is this about please?Officer: We have reason to believe that you have taken something you have no right to take. What do you say about that? Ghostranch : What?! No way! I’m not a thief!Officer: Then how do you explain the absence of summer during the month of August? Ghostranch : I don’t know! This is ridiculous. I have nothing to do with that! Officer: Well all evidence points to you so unless you start talking you’re going down for this. Ghostranch : Okay, okay! You should probably check "Invalid Item" . It belongs to Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! and some shady stuff goes on there, that much I know. And you should speak to turtlemoon-dohi  . You’ll find her "Upon Entering the Summer Woods" . “Summer woods”—sounds suspicious, doesn’t it?Officer: We’ll be sure to check that all out. Anything else? Ghostranch : Yes, yes! Um... wait...I know Hannah ♫♥♫ "Invalid Item" recently. If that’s not criminal activity, I don’t know what is! And d_fishy5925 definitely has some "Stars" that don’t belong to her, so maybe she wants the sun to complete her collection? And blainecindy is always going on about "Invalid Item" . Maybe she wanted it to “arrive” a little sooner, if you know what I mean?Officer: Okay. You better hope some of this stuff “sheds light” on the incident, if you catch my drift. Ghostranch : It will. I’m sure it will!Officer: Interview terminated pending further enquiries. ADDENDUM The "Invalid Item" returned today, on the 3rd of September, 2011. It appears it was just taking some time off. A full apology has been issued to the wrongly accused.--------------------- CASE SOLVED --------------------- |
| Day 2 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "What is your biggest pet peeve/gripe/grievance/whatever you want to call it? Why does it bother you so much? Here is your chance to use your writing talent to vent about what ails you. Use it wisely." I blogged about my biggest pet peeve fairly recently and I’m sure I’ve blogged about it a couple (or millions) of other times too, so apologies if I sound like a broken record! My biggest pet peeve is rudeness/bad manners. To me, rudeness is absolutely perplexing. People are rude all the time but such behaviour never fails to shock or baffle me. And there is no excuse for it! It takes a couple of seconds to thank someone, or to say ‘excuse me please’, or whatever and yet so many people fail to demonstrate basic manners. It absolutely does my head in! I am proud of my good manners and if I ever have children I will teach them how to be polite and respectful to others, as I was raised to be. I feel my politeness is one of the greatest gifts my parents gave me and that good manners are one of the small pleasures in life. They just make the world a pleasanter place, even if it is only in a small way. Well, that's my opinion. Plenty of people appear not to share it. *Shrugs* Anyway, I’m fully aware that I’ve done this topic to death in my blog! A quick search showed these entries on the same thing: "Invalid Entry" , "Invalid Entry" , "Invalid Entry" and "Invalid Entry" . I do like a good moan! And I’m sure I’ll return to this topic in the future as it really is something that gets to me, practically on a daily basis. Is it just me or is the world becoming a ruder place? I certainly think it is and that really depresses me.  |
| Day 1 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "If you had to decide between the two, would you rather forget all of your memories or never be able to make new ones?" I’m afraid I’m not off to the best start with the 30 day blogging challenge! It is 1:30am and I’ve had a long, exhausting and emotional day. I’m feeling sad as I’ve been visiting Mark but am going home tomorrow. The feeling is bittersweet--bitter as I have to leave Mark; sweet as I get to see my family! Anyway, the prompt! My first reaction was ‘wow, what a great yet challenging prompt!’ Then when it had sunk in, I straight away thought I’d rather forget all of my memories than not be able to make new ones. There are several things in my past that I would love to be able to forget. Some are big, traumatic things and some are small, embarrassing things, but they all cause me pain to varying degrees and I often wish I could pull them out of my brain and throw them out with the rubbish! However, then I started thinking about all the good things that have happened in my life (and there are many) that I take great pleasure in re-living at times. Would I really be okay with losing those memories too? I don’t think so! Also, I believe that our memories play a big part in making us the people we are. I think if I lost all my memories I would no longer have a sense of identity and I think that thought scares me more than the thought of not being able to create new memories. But it is a tough one! The thought of being stuck in the past is rather terrifying too. So, really, I have no idea which one I would prefer. I suppose I’m just incredibly thankful I don’t have problems with my memory and I hope I never do!  And now I must stop blogging and go to bed as I have a busy day tomorrow... |
| I did some volunteer work today—the first thing I’ve done in a long. This was a big step forward to getting back in to paid employment and I should feel happy and proud of myself. But I just feel tired and tearful. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I always have to be so negative. The work was fine though tiring and at times mundane. I found myself clock-watching a lot and time really dragged towards the end, especially as there was only one job left to do and only two people able to do it. The rest of us were just standing around and I badly wanted to go home. The drive there and back was uneventful. I met some nice people. My main problem really was that I often found myself just standing around because there either weren’t enough jobs to go around or nobody had told me what needed doing. It isn’t really something that you can just take the initiative with either because a lot of it is specialised work and I didn’t have a clue what I was doing! I’ll probably go back though. I need to start getting out and doing stuff for the sake of my sanity! At least it’s only every two weeks so I have plenty of time to recover! I am so, so tired.  Don't want to go to bed though. |
| I really hate asking my Mum for help. Hate it. Mainly it’s because of something that happened years ago which remains rooted in my psyche and which I’m not going to blog in detail about. But it’s also because she makes it so damn hard. She expects me to already know everything or to figure it out but then if I could do that, why would I be asking for her help? And then I feel really guilty for thinking like this and wonder if I’m just paranoid and oversensitive because of the thing I mentioned that happened years ago. I love my Mum but I don’t trust her and I feel horrible about that too. Why do relationships have to be so complex? Why do people have to be so complex? Today is shaping up to be a really crappy day; I’m exhausted and anxious and I’m freaking out about the volunteer work tomorrow. At least now I know where the place is and am warily confident that I’ll be able to get there on my own. Definitely taking my GPS though! I am not looking forward to it in the slightest and wish I hadn’t agreed to go and wish I could just stay in bed... for the rest of my life! But despite my many flaws I do actually have one good trait and that is courage. I just have to keep reminding myself of that! |
| I can’t help but feel as if everything is going wrong... again. My appointment with my employment advisor was cancelled today as he was off sick and I had to cancel the last two appointments. I was actually looking forward to the one this morning! I made a complete idiot of myself on the phone to his colleague who rang me up to let me know. The phone call woke me up, and I’d taken a sleeping tablet which was still working so I sounded drunk, could hardly even think straight and am now not sure if I even uttered proper words. I need to see a doctor but my doctor is away for a couple of weeks and is leaving for good at the end of September anyway, which I’m so upset about. I really, really don’t want him to leave. The whole thing is causing me extreme anxiety.   I emailed the lady who may be giving me volunteer work and asked if I could attend the next work party, which I think is this Thursday, but she hasn’t replied so now I don’t know what to do. I’ve already messed her around loads as I cancelled the first time and then ignored her email inviting me to the last one. I’m just hoping she’s guessed I’m a nut job with major issues and not a time waster who enjoys pissing everyone off. I’m supposed to be running the Paper Doll Gang’s poetry workshop, which opened two days ago, and already I feel like I’m doing a bad job. My heart’s just not in it and I feel silly even having the thing in my port because I’m not qualified to run a poetry workshop and I don’t know why anyone would think that I am. I keep feeling the need to tell people I’m not a teacher. I never said I was a teacher. So apologies if you’ve heard that from me more than once recently! But I’m not a teacher! I feel like a fraud. Hmmmm... what else is there? The CBT people haven’t gotten back to me yet so I feel like I’m in limbo. My sleep pattern is all messed up again. If I don’t take a sleeping tablet I end up going to bed around 3 or 4 in the morning. I only have one tablet left anyway (well, two really as I’ve been a bit naughty and split the last one into two  ). My eating habits are SHOCKING and I’ve put on a few pounds which is really stressing me out even though I know logically that this is a better weight for me. I just wish I could SEE that. I need to change my diet but I don’t have the energy.Then there’s my lack of a life. I feel so bored and isolated all the time. I miss Mark. I miss having friends. I miss doing stuff. I hate who I’ve become. It seems even when I find the energy and motivation from somewhere to try and make changes everything goes wrong anyway, so what’s the point? Wow I am being very self-pitying and whiny tonight. Sorry about that... if anyone’s reading. EDIT: ok, so I just checked my emails and the volunteer lady has replied and said I can go along on Thursday so now I have to go or I'll never be able to face her! I just wish she'd let me know sooner so I'd of had more time to figure out where the damn place is and learn the route. I'm weird, I have trouble with routes... even ones that should be familiar to me. So the thought of driving somewhere completely new to do something completely new is making me feel sick with anxiety. Hopefully I can practise the drive a few times with my Mum tomorrow. Oh, shit I'm scared... |
| This entry is a response to a prompt from the "Invalid Item" : Are you afraid of death? Write about your feelings on the subject. I’m afraid of death and am not ashamed to admit that. How can anyone not be? We do not fully understand what death is. We don’t know how it feels to die. We don’t know what happens next, if anything. There is a great quote from one of the Harry Potter books by the character Dumbledore: "It’s the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more." I agree! And there is nothing wrong with fearing the unknown. It’s natural. Fear of death is an innate emotion key for survival. That’s my opinion, anyway. I don’t think anyone who freely faces death, such as someone going to war, is unafraid—they’re brave but the fear is still there. I believe when someone dies, that’s it. They’re gone. I believe the body, mind and soul all die. The thought of being forever-conscious terrifies me more than anything, so I choose not to believe in it. I find the idea of life being some kind of waiting room for heaven absolutely baffling. I just cannot understand people who view life like this and I have another quote that beautifully sums up my attitude to life. I’m going to put it in a popnote though as it is a conversation on the very last page of The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman and might spoil the books if you haven’t read them. It’s your choice whether or not you read it if you haven’t read the books: Quote from The Amber Spyglass Wow! I could not agree more. I love how it is described in the book as Quote from The Amber Spyglass I suffer from depression and life has felt like a struggle for me for ten years now but still I’m absolutely fine with the idea that our life on Earth is our one life. I believe we have to make the most of it and do our best to live as well as we can and help other people to live as well as they can. I’m not just battling through this life to get to heaven. I don’t do good things and try to be a good person because I’m trying to book my place in heaven and avoid hell. No. I hate that line of thinking, absolutely hate it. I don’t know if I’m expressing my thoughts clearly enough. This is an emotive subject for me. All I know is that I want to make the most of my life and live it as I see fit. I want to be a good person, do good things and treat people as I want to be treated, purely because that’s the person I want to be, and not because I’m hoping to get something out of it. It’s hard to explain. Death is inevitable. We can’t cheat it or escape it. I’m afraid of it but not to the point where I’m letting it rule my life. And that’s all I have to say right now. |
| I just registered as an organ donor. I’ve been meaning to do it for ages. I’m really squeamish about the idea of transplants, especially any to do with eyes and skin/tissue etc, but I put that aside and ticked the box stating I’m okay with them taking anything. If I’m dead, I won’t be needing any of that stuff! |
| Thank you. How hard is it to say that? Seriously? I can’t stand rudeness. And I know I blogged about this recently but it is something that really gets to me. I won’t dwell on it though. I have a new poem in my port:
It has been on private for a while as it needed work and I wasn’t sure about it. But now it’s public... at least for a while! |
| I’m always too tired. Too bored. Too irritable. Too depressed. Too anxious. I don’t want to be like this anymore and don’t know how much longer I can do it. Why can’t I get better? Why can’t anyone help me? I’m just waiting for a treatment I know won’t work and that I don’t even have the energy to try anyway. I wish I knew what to do. I don’t think I can get better. I think this is it. And I either have to learn to live like this or... not...that’s what is going round and round in my head constantly these days. I don’t know how to get the right help. Ten years I have been like this. I am worn down. I’ve been trying to get better for about six years. Why doesn’t anything work? I am beyond weary of all of this. I’m not supposed to be like this. My life isn’t supposed to be like this. |
| My dog is having the day from hell! Firstly, our neighbour, who has a very scary voice according to Jade, has been in his garden for most of the day. But not only has he been chatting loudly all day, he’s also been doing some building work so there have been lots of banging noises for her to be frightened of too! Then, I decided to take her for a walk so she could de-stress and that turned into a bit of a disaster. There was a couple walking with their three dogs, (two big dogs and a little one) all off the lead, and the little one came charging over to us. I called out to let them know Jade isn’t friendly with other dogs and asked them to call theirs away (mine was on her lead). So they called it and it ignored them of course. Jade growled a warning at it and then it started attacking her and one of the big ones came and joined it. I was terrified! The man came over and started shouting at his dogs, making no attempt to grab them. He even had the nerve to say to me ‘get your dog away’ to which I shouted ‘I’m trying!’ I wish I’d said ‘Well I would if you’d get your dogs off her!’ Eventually the woman came over and managed to get them away. She was extremely apologetic and asked if Jade and I were okay. We were shaken but otherwise fine. I didn’t get angry. I know it happens. I keep my dog on a lead because she can’t be trusted.I would be annoyed if I saw the couple again and their dogs weren’t on leads now they know theirs can't be trusted! After that we walked about 200 metres and another dog came running up to us. Jade had been getting better with other dogs but understandably was still shaken and growled viciously at it. The owners got it away and I warned them about what had just happened. They were very nice and concerned about me and Jade! I’m so sick of dog owners letting their dogs run about wherever they like. So many dogs have run up to us recently and when their owners see me worriedly pulling Jade away they call out stuff like ‘oh don’t worry, he’s friendly’ to which I always reply ‘well she’s not’, adding a silent 'idiot' onto the end! People can be so damn stupid. Anyway, things haven’t gotten any better for poor Jade tonight. We are getting a wooden floor in our living tomorrow so have spent the evening clearing out the furniture and ripping up the carpet. Jade is not impressed! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for her! |
| I’m tired but don’t want to sleep. I’m bored but don’t feel like doing anything. Wish I had a life! I’ve been working on a couple of poems for the Poetic Exploration Group. I am woefully behind but also determined to catch up. I’ve finished my free verse but haven’t made it public yet. I love the idea of it but I’m not sure how I feel about the actual poem yet. I’ve also almost finished my Ballad. I’ve had the idea for this ballad for years; I’ve just never had the courage until now to get it out of my head. Again, I love the idea, but am not so sure about the writing. I’m not sure how people will react to it either—it’s easily my sickest idea yet! I think it would make a great short horror story! I might do that at some point... Then that just leaves the Epitaph, Minute poem, Monorhyme, Rispetto, Rondelet and Triolet and I’ll be all caught up! Tough but doable. |
I feel a tad sorry for David Cameron at the moment (just a tad). The rioters make me sick and the looters are worse. They may be in shit situations and feel totally disillusioned with the government but their behaviour has made me unsympathetic to all of that. And I bet most of them don’t even know why they’re joining in. There was a small amount of trouble in my town. A gang of 30 youths went on a bit of a rampage, smashed some shop windows and stole a cash register from a restaurant. I read that in one street in London every single shop was looted except for a bookshop. That the bookshop was left alone mildly amuses me and hints at the kind of people who are causing all this trouble... I have a sore throat and an even sorer tongue. My OCD is bad. I got new medication from my doctor today. I wish he’d stop pushing drugs at me! But I know he’s at a bit of a loss as to how to help me and I guess prescribing medication makes him feel like he’s doing something. The tablets are for anxiety rather than depression and I don’t know if I’m going to take them. I had yet another assessment the other day and will probably be starting CBT again soon. I told my doctor today that it isn’t going to work but he’s remaining positive that it will. I wasn’t able to explain why I know it won’t work.I learned a new word yesterday: Alexithymia. It is a word created to describe people who are unable to describe emotions in words. Here are some defining features of the “condition” or trait: A person who is Alexithymic finds it difficult to recognise and describe their emotions. The emotion is felt but cannot be expressed. They cannot find the words to convey what they are feeling. This describes me (especially in counselling situations) PERFECTLY. That is exactly what it is and no professional I have come across yet recognises that I CAN’T find the words. They just think I don’t want to, and am trying to avoid talking about painful things etc—that I’m being deliberately uncooperative. I can’t tell you how relieved I feel to have found out there is a name for this damn thing! However, I don’t quite fit other features of it. Apparently Alexithymic people find empathy difficult to understand and are also very unimaginative. I’m extremely empathetic to the point where I currently feel sorry for our old couch and chair which have been unceremoniously dumped outside to make room for the new furniture! Obviously I’m pretty imaginative too. But I took a test and scored 127. A score equal to or greater than 113 indicates Alexithymia. It is an interesting subject but there isn't a lot of information on it. I know labels can be unhelpful, however. I could take about 100 psychological “labels” to describe myself. But it’s always good to know that someone, somewhere, knows a little about what you’re dealing with and cares enough to give it a name! |
| I have a naturally grumpy/anxious expression. My mouth is a little downturned and my eyes are intense. I have the sort of face that inspires people to say things like ‘cheer up... it might never happen’ and ‘it can’t be that bad’ I feel like taking gems like that and shoving them... well, never mind... I think I’m quite good at reading people’s expressions but I don’t like looking at faces much. I don’t like catching the expressions that others aren’t supposed to see. It makes me sad. I seem to be going through a ridiculous empathetic stage at the moment. I’m an empathetic person anyway but seem to be taking it to the extremes lately. I just can’t stop imagining myself in other people’s shoes and finding things to feel down about. I don’t know what’s going on... I am just overwhelmingly sad at the moment, and sadness, on an already naturally sad-looking face, isn’t a great look, especially when trying to convince other people I’m perfectly fine... |
| I haven't blogged or done anything much here on WDC in a week but I'm still around! Mark is visiting so I've been spending lots of time with him. I've also had a busy time with various appointments etc. I hope to get back into the swing of things online some time next week... if anyone cares... haha!!! |
| I just went to pick my sister and her boyfriend up. They’d been for a meal. Driving at night around here is scary now. SCARY. A lot of the street lighting isn’t used anymore to save the council money. I find it ironic that they’ve spent a load of money on signs informing people that the street lights are no longer in use! I’ve noticed so many more dead animals on the road since they’ve cut the lights too. It’s horrible. I had a very, very near miss fairly recently. I was doing 50mph on a main road at night when I suddenly saw a hedgehog right in the middle of my lane. There was absolutely nothing I could do. There was a car behind me so I couldn’t hit the brakes, and even if I had, I would not have been able to stop in time. I couldn’t swerve around it as there were cars in the other lane. I’m so relieved I didn’t instinctively swerve. I gasped out loud as I drove over it and I’m about 99% sure I didn’t hit it. I didn’t feel a bump anyway so I think he got lucky. Well, lucky for a while. It would have been a miracle if all of the cars behind me had managed to miss him too. When I drove back there the next day, there was a dead hedgehog in the road and I feel sick to think there is a chance I was responsible. It upsets me a lot more now, as a driver, to see dead critters in the road than it did when I couldn’t drive. I suppose that’s because I’m absolutely terrified I’ll hit something someday. Also, as a passenger, I was never really aware of just how powerful a car is. As a driver, I’m incredibly aware of it and find it extremely frightening! *Shudder* Anyway, back to my original story! I dropped my sister’s boyfriend at his house then drove home and had an incredibly tough time parking in my driveway.  I find it easier to reverse park in my drive. If I go in forwards, the neighbour’s car is on my left and because my seat is on the right-side, and also because I’m short, I find it hard to judge how close I am to the other car. At least with reverse parking I can use my rearview and side mirrors to help me see how close I am to the neighbour’s car, the post separating our drives and the wall of my house! But my sister’s boyfriend parked his car on the road, close to my drive so the turn-in was really tight, and the neighbours are all in tonight so all the driveways are filled with cars, meaning there really wasn’t a lot of room for an inexperienced driver, who finds parking very difficult, to actually park. Hah! But I managed it, so that’s the main thing. Who cares if it took about five minutes and lots of engine revving? Who cares if I annoyed the whole neighbourhood? I do, actually. If any drivers want to give me reverse bay parking tips I would be eternally grateful! I’ve had a very stressful night. Again. My anxiety is high. My happiness is low. I’m tired but don’t want to sleep. Sorry if this entry was boring! Well done if you read all the way through to this apology! |
| I’m so fed-up with Facebook at the moment. My news feed seems to be clogged up by three unbelievably irritating people. First is my extremely boastful thirteen year old cousin. I have never known a bigger spoilt brat than this kid. He gets everything he wants and then brags about it on FB. Give it a rest! Then there is the friend who keeps letting us all know where she is  Blah blah is at the doctors, Blah blah is at the Hub, Blah blah is at home. Nobody cares! Seriously.And lastly is the friend who constantly moans. Now, I know I’m a champion moaner but I do like to add a bit of variety and have a range of different topics to moan about so I don’t become too boring. But no, this particular person only has about three different topics to complain about and I’m tired of hearing about all of them now! You know who else is boring? People complaining about Amy Winehouse’s death being in the news after what has happened in Norway. You know why it’s in the news? Because she was a public figure and she’s just died tragically at the age of 27. Yes, what’s happened in Norway is terrible and shocking but that doesn’t make the death of a young woman any less tragic or newsworthy. The cause of her death hasn’t even been determined yet and still people are practically falling over each other to reach the soapbox and preach about why her death doesn’t matter. She dug her own grave, after all. Maybe I’m just more sympathetic because I know what it’s like to see a loved one struggle with drug addiction and then die because of it. I’m going to shut up now. I strongly suspect I’m being boring... |
| I had a ridiculously dramatic night last night. I felt unwell and ended up going to the medical walk-in centre. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a real stoic (well, when it comes to physical problems anyway!) but I just couldn’t cope with the way I was feeling last night and really needed help. It ended up being a complete waste of time. Firstly, I asked if I could see a doctor but then ended up only seeing a nurse. She was a real bitch. I was clearly distressed and after I told her my problem, all she said was ‘what would you like me to do about it?’  I said ‘help me!’ By this point I was trembling uncontrollably. I was so upset and anxious and felt like I was wasting the nurse’s time because of her disgusting attitude. There’s more, but I don’t really want to blog about that. I ended up leaving the centre without help, absolutely sobbing and still trembling, and feeling about a hundred times worse than when I went in. I had to wait to calm down before I could drive home. When I got home, my sister’s boyfriend was parked outside our house (my sister was on a night out and he was a bit worried because she hadn’t been in contact with him). That was kind of awkward because I really didn’t want him to know where I’d been. I think he knew I’d been crying though. Anyway, my sister ended up calling the home phone at about 3am and woke my Mum up. She was extremely drunk and had rung by accident so didn’t respond when my Mum picked up the phone. She also didn’t answer when my Mum called her back so we were all really worried. My ridiculous uncontrollable shaking started up again! Then she called her boyfriend and said she was just down the road. My Mum went out to get her and dragged her into the house. I haven’t seen her that angry in a long time!And that was my night. I feel so achy today from all that shaking and I'm still unwell. My nerves are also pretty frayed. But I’m sure I’ll recover! |
There’s such tragedy in the news at the moment. My heart goes out to the families and friends of the people killed in Norway.  I’m also really saddened by the news of the death of Amy Winehouse. What a waste of a young woman’s life and talent. |
| I went to my contact lens appointment yesterday and got my first EVER pair. It was all horribly traumatic! After the optometrist initially put them in for me, I had an appointment with an assistant to teach me how to take them out and put them in again. She was very sweet but also very useless! I could not get the damn things out so she said she’d show me on herself. She put one in and then tried to show me how to take it out. She couldn’t do it! So then she said ‘Oh, I’m going to have to take it out my own way’. So she took it out her “own” way then turned to me and said ‘so that’s how it’s done!’ Ummm... thanks?! Eventually I managed to get them out. Then it was time to try putting them in myself and wow that was HARD. Getting them out was easy compared to putting them in. My eyes just did not want to stay open and I can’t blame them really! After what felt like hours of struggling (though was probably about 30-40 minutes) I had both in again and was told I could wear them for four hours. They felt great! It was awesome being able to really see. After four hours I tried to take them out and managed it after about 15 minutes. But can I get them in again today? Nope! I’ve been trying for ages and just can’t do it and my poor left eye is feeling rather violated. I’ve called up the opticians to ask for advice. They’ve told me not to try again and have booked me in for another teaching appointment on Monday. I hope I get a more competent teacher this time! I’m feeling quite upset and frustrated by the whole thing. I want my new eyes! In other news, I’m still feeling in a bad way, mentally. There was some mix-up with my re-referral from my GP to the counselling service and so it only went through on Wednesday. My GP is hoping that they will contact me on Monday or Tuesday but I think he’s being optimistic. I really don’t want to go back to that service and am terrified I’ll have to see the same therapist as before. I am so damn FURIOUS with her for not only forcing me to talk about a very traumatic experience but for then fobbing me off onto another counselling service and also for telling them I’d been sexually abused when I specifically TOLD her that I don’t consider what happened to me sexual abuse. And that’s very important to me. It doesn’t fill me with hope that even a mental health therapist can’t listen properly. I’m considering calling the local Assessment and Short-Term Intervention team on Monday and asking for help. They might be able to advise me on an alternative service that can help me. I am so done with talking treatments though, to be honest. |
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