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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
...and it's a very unsettling experience. Increasingly, when I talk, I hear my mum's voice, not my own, and the more conscious I become of it and the more I try to stop it, the worse it gets. What's even more disturbing is that my mum seems gradually to be turning into her mum and now I'm left wondering -- is my Grandma the end point? Is that who I'm going to become? Don't get me wrong, I love my Grandma, but she is annoying. It's all very worrying...  Today has been okay. I went out with my Mum to browse books in charity shops and bought way too many. I need a new bookcase! I got The Cider House Rules by John Irving, which I have read before, but am eager to read again.I also got Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier (which sounds intriguing), Stardust by Neil Gaiman (which I'm excited about reading as I really like the film), A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth (which is a monster of a book though it's on the BBC's top 100 reads list and I want to read everything on it), Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton (not too sure why I bought this one) and lastly Jennie by Paul Gallico. My Mum gave me Jennie to read when I was child and I fell in love with it. Then she loaned it to a neighbour and never got it back. Why do people think it's okay to not return books? Anyway, I don't know how it is in America, but Jennie is a rare book here in the UK. I think a new edition is being released in July, but until then, it's very hard to find a reasonably priced copy. My Mum recently bought one for £10. I got mine for 30p.  So yay! |
| I'm writing the weirdest short story at the moment. A bizarre opening line popped into my head and I just had to grab it and see where it was going! It was inspired by the theme for a national contest which I really doubt I'll enter, but I'm having fun writing the story. I did want to enter the contest and I had another idea at first, but I've abandoned it because I think in my attempt to be original, the story feels way too forced. I like my new idea much better and think it's going well but now I don't feel enthusiastic about the contest. The prize is to get the story published in a magazine alongside short stories written by famous writers. Now, call me crazy but I don't think I actually want to be published. I got four poems published in four anthologies when I was kid and now I absolutely cringe at the thought of them. I can't stand the thought that people can STILL read them! *Shudder* I like sharing my work on WDC and not having to relinquish my power to eradicate any of my writing which becomes shocking or cringeworthy to me. Now, I really must get some sleep. It's 5:30am and I haven't been to bed! I wonder if this blog entry will make sense to me when I read it back later... |
I missed my appointment. After blogging this morning I decided to try and get an hour of sleep but then I ended up sleeping through my alarms... all fooking three of them. I have way overreacted to it as well, but I really can’t help it. It feels like the end of the world. And it doesn’t help that I couldn’t get through to my advisor to apologise, explain the situation and reschedule the appointment. I am so angry at myself and so disappointed. Today was supposed to be good. I was supposed to actually do something productive for once and I had to go and mess it up. I suppose it serves me right for being so unguardedly positive and cheerful this morning and for actually daring to hope that something could go well for me for once. I won’t make that mistake again.  |
I haven’t slept... again. It’s 5am. I have an appointment at 9:30am which I refuse to cancel. I’m going to be TIIII-ERD!!! I’m sat up in bed with my laptop on my lap (strange, that!  ) and my dog beside me. I did actually ban her from sleeping on my bed a little while ago after what I will refer to as “The Incident” (but will not describe), but here she is. I don’t know exactly how she’s done it, but she’s managed to get me to overlook “The Incident”, despite its magnitude, and lift the ban. I suspect it’s her overwhelming cuteness and lovability. I’m reading The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving for the second time. I can’t remember how old I was when I first read it (though I know it was years ago) but I do remember the impact it had on me. It was (and probably remains) the most original book I’ve ever read. It’s also one of the strangest. I fell in love with its offbeat humour, quirky characters and outlandish (and often incredibly moving) storylines. I really don’t know why I’ve left it so long before reading it again. Anyway, as it has been some time since I read it, I can’t remember everything that happens. I can remember that one part, in my first read, left me reeling and so I’ve been preparing myself for that. But I completely forgot about another part which I just read and it feels like I’ve taken a punch to the heart! I don’t know how I could have forgotten about it. I also don’t know why I like sad books. All of my favourite books are ones that can devastate me and ones that I cry over with each read. I watched a brilliant film yesterday called Fish Tank. My sister and her boyfriend weren’t too impressed with it, but I thought it was amazing. It was pretty slow-paced, and more character-driven, than plot-driven, so I can see that some people might find it boring and even pointless. I think being a writer helps me to appreciate character-driven films though. I “got” the subtleties of the film and the symbolism, which my sister (who mostly likes chick flicks and bad Jennifer Aniston comedies) and her boyfriend (who mostly likes horror) didn’t appreciate (or notice?) I think I’m rambling. And I’ve spent half an hour writing this blog entry. I’m hungry, so might go and get some fodder. I don’t think there’s much point trying to sleep; my alarm is set to go off in two hours. I suppose I’ll just have to catch some sleep after my appointment. I love sleep but I wish getting some wasn’t so damn hard! |
I washed my car fairly recently but I may as well have not bothered. I’ve come back from visiting Mark to find the windscreen and bonnet absolutely covered in bird crap. I am NOT happy.  It’s because I only have an open driveway and there’s a tree covering part of it so that’s where the little buggers perch and take aim to splatter my car. It’s gross! Poor Lemar!My days seem to have become night, and my night days... again. I can never seem to stick to a decent sleeping pattern. So I’m awake at 4am. Grrrr. I’ve missed my blog. I need to get back into the habit of haunting it more regularly. I’ve just been through a pretty crappy major depressive phase though. Well, I’m still kind of in it, but I’m trying to get out of it, so I’m trying to get active here on WDC again. I just helped judge an official contest for the first time, which was fun, but unfortunately I’ve had to leave the Poetic Exploration group. I just don’t have the motivation to continue with it. My life is still pretty pointless but I’m working on it. My referral to an employment service that helps people with mental illnesses get back into work has finally come through and so far it’s great. On Friday I am going to the volunteer centre with my employment advisor to find out about suitable opportunities. We’re also going to improve my CV and there are confidence-building and interview technique courses, among other things, which I will be able to take. There’s no time limit on the support they offer, so I can go at my own pace, and once I’m in full time work I can access their retain service for help staying in work. It’s an amazing charity and I wish I’d heard about it years ago! |
Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! (Love that film!) |
| The inquests into the July 7th 2005 suicide bombings in London drew to a close today and so there were a lot of articles in today’s paper about what happened that day, along with survivor’s personal accounts and comments from people who lost loved ones. I feel more upset about it today than I did on the day it actually happened. Of course I was shocked and horrified, but I also felt distant from it and was able to put it out of my mind. I think the main reason for that really was that my brother died 5 months before the bombings and I was still absolutely reeling from that. I just did not have the capacity to grieve for strangers when my grief over my brother’s death was still so raw. That's different now. I feel deeply moved after reading about the acts of kindness and humanity which occurred among the horror and carnage. The stories of people staying in or climbing into the wreckages, when they had no idea if the danger had passed, to offer comfort and reassurance to the injured and dying are like candle flames flickering in darkness. I feel like my heart is going to burst. |
| For anyone wondering what has been going on with me recently I have been unwell and horribly depressed. I have become very unmotivated with everything, including WDC so that is why I have been so inactive. I've pretty much been ignoring everything that was ever important to me here, including my friends, and I feel terrible about that. I'm so, so sorry to all the people I've let down. I'm trying hard to get things back to how they were but I'm struggling and it's taking time. I really, really hope I'll start feeling myself again soon. |
| I am so fed-up with feeling like crap all the time. I feel physically and mentally drained. Urgh. |
Here are my most recent poems written for the Poetic Exploration group:
The shape poem has been my biggest challenge so far but thankfully I came up with a simple idea! |
| Can't believe how depressed I am. |
| In some ways today has been quite tough as I just couldn’t sleep last night or this morning at all. Also, I had to drive during rush hour today, which I have done a couple of times but I’m still not used to it. It was not a fun experience! I hate the constant stopping and starting. After I picked my sister up I stalled the car as I was pulling away, which was embarrassing. I didn’t even do that in my first ever driving lesson! I also stalled at a roundabout. Grrrrrr. But it was fine really and I coped. But despite that I’m in a pretty good mood. My sister’s ex has revealed just what a prat he is and we’ve had a good evening laughing at his ridiculous, jealous, unreasonable text messages. My sister is the happiest she has been in long while, so makes me happy. We went to our local pub for a meal, which was nice. I had such a funny walk with Jadey today. As we were walking I saw my Mum coming towards us, on her way home from work. We both got the same idea to not call out to each other to see how Jade would react. Jade was so wrapped up in the fun of her walk she didn’t recognise her until she was almost past her. She did a double-take, stopped and peered at my Mum and then went crazy with excitement when she realised who it was. It was unbelievably adorable! Love that dog!  |
| Well it wasn’t a dream; I really am a moderator! I just want to say thank you to everyone who has sent me congratulatory emails, cNotes, merit badges, notebook scribbles etc. I am feeling very loved! I think this promotion is just what I need to get me feeling enthusiastic about being a member again. Now I just need to channel that enthusiasm into doing something productive, like reviewing, rather than just hanging around to bask in the glow of my achievement!!! |
For once being blue is a good thing! I just got promoted to Moderator and I'm so ridiculously excited about it! I feel honoured.  |
I need to get a life... even my Mum feels sorry for me...  |
I got an awardicon today, which was a nice surprise, for this poem:
Yay! Thanks to the Poetic Exploration group I’m still writing regularly. Here are my newest poems:
Hannah ♫♥♫  and Brooklyn  have been so kind to me and are letting me take a break from my various group duties so I already feel a little better.Now I just need to do my reviews for Poetic Exploration and sort out my contest and then I can take a big sigh of relief! |
| I think I’m going to take a step (or two or three) back from WDC because I’m just not enjoying myself as much as I used to. I have loved being involved with so many different activities on the site but now I’m getting tired and overwhelmed with it all. Over the next few days I’m going to have a think about what I want from being a member and I’ll probably cut back on a lot of my activity. I feel sad but this also feels right. Realistically, I should cut back on the time I spend on WDC anyway as I am (tentatively) looking for work now and won’t be able to spend so much time here once I get a job. |
| I am in sooooo much pain with my jaw and head. Usually I'm pretty good at handling pain and hardly ever take pain medication, but I've taken three lots of painkillers today and they haven't even touched it. I'm so miserable. |
| I read “Things the Grandchildren Should Know” today, the autobiography by the Eels’ front man, Mark Oliver Everett (AKA: E) and I have to say, I wasn’t overly impressed. I have a lot of respect for the man who has suffered terrible hardship (i.e. the death of his entire family) and has written incredible music (i.e. the song “Last Stop: This Town”), but he seems like a person who is trying too hard to be different (whilst claiming to hate people like that) and pretending not to care what anyone thinks of him (whilst actually caring too deeply). That was just the impression I got of him from his book anyway. Oh well! I still love his music! Now I have to decide what to read next. I feel lucky at the moment as usually when I’m this depressed I lose my concentration and can’t read, but not this time. No. I seem to be devouring book after book and I’ve already just about read half the amount I read last year! (I hope I haven’t just jinxed myself. ) I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I didn’t take a sleeping pill as my doctor has told me to take them for a couple of nights and then don’t take anything for a couple of nights. I was told that last time I was prescribed sleeping pills too but ended up abusing them and taking one almost every night for almost two weeks!  I’m determined to take them properly this time though. But I might take one tonight...  Anyway, I woke up at 4am and got up for a bit. Tried going back to bed about 7am but just couldn’t sleep and got up at 8. I tried going back to bed again at about 11:30 but didn’t really sleep properly. So I’m exhausted but I’m used to that now. I have a horrendous pain in my jaw that hurts even more every time I move my mouth. I move my mouth a lot because of a stupid OCD thing so I am in a lot of pain and feeling very sorry for myself. I’ve taken painkillers but they haven’t helped. And that, really, has been my day. Now the whole evening is stretching out ahead of me and it seems like a very, very long time. |
| The stress is just not letting up. And I’m still exhausted even though the sleeping pills are helping me get to sleep fairly quickly and keeping me asleep longer than before. I’ve still been going back to bed during the day because I just feel too tired to function otherwise. I had a weird sensory hallucination the first night I took a sleeping pill. It felt like my heart was slowing right down until it stopped and I was there thinking how come I’m not dead if my heart isn’t beating? But I was too tired to think much about it let alone panic! It was kind of freaky but thankfully I didn’t get it last night. My sister is still in a bad way, though my Mum and I managed to persuade her to go to our IT course. I passed my last exam and so have completed the course which I am relieved about. Then we all went out for a meal but my sister hardly ate anything and didn’t really join in with the conservation. I’m so worried about her. Now it seems like I’m not going to be able to visit Mark because my sister just seems to be getting worse and I don’t want her to be on her own when my Mum has to go back to work on Monday. And to top it all off my brother had to have an operation (not really sure what—something to do with his nose and throat) but now his nose won’t stop bleeding. So I’m just filled with stress and anxiety. I need to do my reviews for the Poetic Exploration group but I just can’t seem to get motivated. ARRGGGHHHH!!!! |
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