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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| Day 21 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "We’re all afraid of something. Write a formal complaint to whatever scares you the most." Dear “The Unknown”, I’m writing this formal complaint to you because I am weary of the way you intimidate and frighten me. I think enough is enough and that it’s about time you realised the effects you can often have on peope! You constantly take advantage of my need to be in control of every situation, making me feel out of my depth and vulnerable. I know much of this is down to my character, really, but I just want to let you know that I am going to try my hardest to wrestle back the power you seem to hold over me. I may not ever be able to take control of you, “The Unknown”, but I can certainly take control of how I react to you. And I will! From now on I’m going to make a conscious effort to master my fear of you. I will ignore the doubting voices you allow to plague my mind. I will stifle the worry you plant in my heart. I will crush the wings of the butterflies you release into my stomach. And even if I don’t always feel strong enough to do all that, I will somehow find the courage to feel those things—that fear—and face you anyway, so beware! I think I’ve made my point. You will probably be able to tell from this letter that I’m feeling very determined and I hope you will take that seriously. Maybe you will think twice before trying to scare me again! Yours Sincerely Jess. Note: It’s interesting that this prompt came up today when all evening I’ve been struggling with my anxiety about returning to my volunteer placement tomorrow and trying to decide whether or not to go. My fears all revolve around the unknown—not knowing exactly what I’ll have to do, not knowing how the drive there and back will go, not knowing if there will be people there I haven’t met before etc. After writing this letter I’m feeling rather empowered and am determined to try my best to go. Usually I’m very good at facing up to my fears, but The Unknown is the thing I am most of afraid of, and sometimes I just can’t master it. I’ll have to see how things go—my anxiety levels have been extreme recently—but maybe re-reading this letter in the morning will help me do what I know is the right thing to do. |
| Day 20 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Write an essay or blog about on what life for you would have been like had there been no Writing.com." Wow. For me it is really quite frightening to think what my life would be like if WDC did not exist. For many of us this site is more than just a place to store and share our writing. It is our community and online home—a place to get away from real life for a while, where we can be ourselves among friends. The first thing I thought of when I read this prompt was that if there was no WDC there would probably be no Ghostranch  and Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! . We met here on WDC in March 2008, decided to meet each other in person in May and then became a couple in June and are still together today. Would we have met in a different way if there had been no WDC to bring us together? I suppose that would have been possible, though extremely unlikely. The world would be a much bleaker place for me if I’d never met Mark.Another thing that would be different is that I wouldn’t be the writer I am today. Of course I’m still learning in the craft of writing, and always will be, but I’ve learned so much more from being a member here. I don’t think I would have delved into the world of form poetry if WDC didn’t exist or learned about the formal rules of poetry. Before becoming a member, I knew nothing about writing. I could write poems (and needed to), and some of them may even have contained a spark of creativity, but all of them were extremely rough and unpolished. Though I still may not be at the stage where I can transform my rough little rocks of poetry into diamonds, I feel I’m a lot closer to doing that today thanks to the wonderful reviewers and writers of WDC! One thing that is scary to think about, and is probably going to sound dramatic, is that I may not even still have a life if there had been no WDC for me to find. I joined this site at a time when I felt I had nothing much to live for. I was at a point where I needed to share some things about myself and my life but had nobody to share them with. I could not have carried on with those things locked inside me but WDC gave me the opportunity to get them out. I still find life extremely difficult a lot of the time, but knowing that I can log on to WDC and escape the real world for a while really helps to keep me going sometimes. I feel like I can be the real me here and that is so important to me. There is probably a lot more I could I say for this prompt but I’m finding it rather depressing to dwell on it. I’ll just finish off by saying that I am thankful every day that this website exists. WDC has changed my life for the better. That may sound corny as hell but it’s true and I’m not ashamed to say it. |
| Day 19 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Plug your city or hometown...it doesn't matter if it's where you're from or where you're at." My hometown, being both the town I was born in and the town I’m living in now, is in the South-East of England, and lies right in between Birmingham and London. I’m not going to name it but here is a clue: it is famous for roundabouts and concrete cows. Yep, you read that right, concrete cows.  Isn’t that cool!  And if that doesn’t help to plug my town, I don’t know what will... (I’m being sarcastic, by the way, just in case you missed it!)My town wants to be a cool, happening place but it isn’t. It also wants to be a city, but it isn’t that either. Sadly it remains a bit of a joke, which is probably because of those damn concrete cows. But despite its ridiculousness, this is a great place to live. We seem to have a bit of everything here. One of the best things about my town is all the greenery. There are little pockets and corridors of nature spread throughout, which really help to make it quite a beautiful place, especially in the summer and early autumn. Trees and shrubs line the sides of roads and there are many parks, lakes and woods to enjoy. There’s a great mix of urban and rural—lots of city-like features but also farms, some of which even have real cows, of the flesh-and-blood type, rather than the concrete type. Another great thing about my hometown is that it is built on a grid system of straight roads and roundabouts. This makes driving pretty easy (once you’ve gotten used to the roundabouts) and it is next to impossible to get lost. Or so I’ve been told—I’m probably the only person around here with the ability to get lost on a regular basis but that’s just because I have no sense of direction or memory for routes, which is weird. Normal people can't get lost.There are also many cycle paths, allowing cyclists to get about easily and safely. Unfortunately a lot of cyclists seem to be idiots though, and still use the road, sometimes without helmets. I find that so irritating! We have a great shopping centre here that has actually become a listed building because of its interesting architecture. It just looks like an ugly, huge glass building to me, but what do I know? I’m not an architect! We also have a snow dome which houses an indoor ski slope, shops and restaurants (including Nandos—yay!) and a cinema. There’s a football club, which we stole from another town and a football stadium that was built just four years ago. As well as that, there’s an open air stadium (i.e., huge bowl-shaped field, funnily enough called The Bowl or National Bowl). The venue has a capacity of 65,000 and many important artists have played there, including U2, one of my favourite bands (though that was in 1985, before I was born, and they haven’t been back since.  ) and Queen. Then there’s the theatre, which has an unusual design feature: a ceiling that can be lowered or raised depending on the scale of the production. The theatre district has many restaurants, pubs and clubs etc. It also has an art gallery, which would be nice if it wasn’t so shit! The art gallery is a bright pink building though, so that makes up for the rubbish it contains. As for education, we have the Open University and lots of schools that are helping children to become fully-fledged chavs (do you have chavs in other countries or is that just a uniquely British thing?) There’s also a really cool safety education centre (which I’d forgotten about until I googled my town) where I was once terrified and traumatised by an evil man, but that’s another story. Okay, my hometown has flaws and I’ve been rather sarcastic about it in this entry, but I do actually love it. Apart from the four years I was at University, I’ve always lived here and I wouldn’t mind staying here. It’s my home, the place I was born and grew up in, and will therefore always hold a special place in my heart.  |
| Day 18 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Today's prompt is about craziness. Write whatever you want about it! Crazy memories, crazy videos, crazy people you've met, crazy ideas - anything at all! Just go wild! :)" Hmmmm, crazy. What should I write? Well...I am crazy, and seem to be getting crazier with every passing day, so maybe that’s a good place to start. It is subjective though, isn’t it? And there is more than one definition of the word, so perhaps that’s an even better place to start. I can think of four separate definitions off the top of my head. Definition 1 Insane. Unbalanced. Deranged. Word used to describe a mentally ill person. Definition 2 Strange. Offbeat. Eccentric. Word used to describe someone who doesn’t fit the norm (but not because of mental illness). Definition 3 Senseless. Ridiculous. Impractical. A crazy scheme. Definition 4 Enthusiastic. Passionate. Fond of. He’s crazy about football. She’s crazy about him. I can apply all of the definitions to myself, except for maybe number 3. My schemes tend to be totally sensible and practical.  But I do suffer from mental illness, I am eccentric and there are a lot of things I’m passionate about. Therefore I’m crazy. I’m not sure I’d want someone else to call me that though, or to be defined by it. It isn’t always the nicest word, is it? In fact, it could be a very cruel word, if used in a derisory way.Language baffles me. It’s quite unsettling to think that many words have more than one meaning and that the meaning can change just through tone of voice. “You’re crazy”, said with a laugh and a smile in the voice means something like “you’re weird, but in a good, fun way that I’m fond of”. Whereas “you’re crazy” said with a sneer means something more like “What the hell are you doing/saying? Well don’t bother because it’s stupid”. Or something like that. But I think this is a topic for a whole separate blog entry. Do you know what is crazy? Trying to think straight and write a blog entry that actually makes sense when you’ve hardly had any sleep at all, and the little sleep you have had was punctuated with crazy dreams! So to finish off, here is one of the dreams I can remember from last night. I was some kind of computer that was only used for playing games on and I got a bit bored of that life. So... I somehow took shape as the computer’s memory (or whatever) and went about the town wreaking havoc on technology! Now that’s crazy! I wish I could remember all the details because it seems like it could make quite an interesting science fiction story. Not that I know what makes good science fiction or that I’ve ever written in the genre or ever will. But now I’m babbling, so I’m going to stop before anyone thinks I’m crazy...  |
| Day 17 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Vincent Van Gogh said, "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." What is your 'you cannot ____' voice always ragging on you about? Work with your can do Journal and go for it! Having doubts? Write it out!" I suppose the obvious answer to this would be writing. I have a voice inside me that often says “you cannot write” or, even better, “you cannot write well”. But I already blogged about writer’s block recently and don’t feel like revisiting the subject, especially as my attempt to write a poem last night failed miserably. But I think that’s to do with my state of mind at the moment, more than anything else, and the fact that I no longer seem to enjoy writing poetry. And that is hard to admit to myself! So in what other situations do I hear that voice? In most situations, actually. That “voice” is a requirement of the naturally negative person’s psyche and clearly I’m a naturally negative person! At the moment the “you cannot...” voice just goes on and on about life in general—“you cannot live like this. You cannot succeed at life. You cannot face another day.” Blah, blah, blah. It’s wearing me down. Down, down, down. I’m not at the point where I’m going to listen to the voice, but I feel scarily close to it. Today that voice is telling me I cannot blog. Well, to be more accurate it’s saying “you cannot do anything” and I have to agree. My thoughts are too scattered right now to settle to anything. I’m tired of the chaos in my mind so to shut it up, I’m going to sleep! That’s if I can sleep...  |
| Today was shit. The assessment was the same old meaningless babble as usual. The therapist looks about 12, which was extremely off-putting. She also sat too close to me. Why do people have a habit of doing that to me? The room was like a prison cell, with a sink in it! It was all very unsettling and tedious. She tried to get me to talk about the experience that triggered my depression when I was 14. I didn't want to go there. I only just met her for the first time today, why would I tell her about that?! She said we'll need to return to it at some point as we both need to understand about the "origin of my depression". I am tired of going over the same old stuff and answering the same stupid questions. Why can't she look at the notes from my previous assessments? Why do I have to go through everything again and again and again. I'm sick of my history! They tell me CBT is about the "here and now" and yet I always have to give my damn life story. When I got home I went to sleep. My alarm went off at 1.30pm but I was too exhausted to get up and reset it for 2.30. The whole day has been boring, lonely and tedious. Actually, that's what my whole life has been like! I went out with my sister this evening but other than that haven't really done anything. I'm reading two incredibly tedious (my word of the day!) books. I should give up on them but I'm so stubborn about finishing every book I start. I'm trying to race through them both. I'm very irritable tonight, and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could be different. I can't believe this is my life. |
| Day 16 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Give us your definition of blogging." I suppose for me a good, succinct definition of blogging would be “online public journaling”. I use my blog like I’d use a diary to write about me, my life, my thoughts and feelings, things that are important to me etc. I’m pretty open in my blog. Maybe not to the extent I would be in a private diary, but still, I’ve shared a lot of myself. That scares me sometimes but I also find it liberating. It can be quite comforting to share difficult things with people that I can’t share with those in my offline life. That helps me to feel less lonely sometimes. Mainly I use my blog to be the unedited me. While I put a lot of myself into my poetry, my creative writing often gets revised to make it better or to make it appeal to a certain audience or whatever. That’s different with blogging. I don’t have to edit my thoughts and feelings—they can just run wild and free! So sometimes I suppose I see blogging as a free-writing exercise. I’m not sure what else to say on this subject so instead of just floundering around trying to write more, I’m going to keep this entry short and sweet (well, definitely short, hopefully sweet!!!) |
| Well tomorrow I begin counselling/therapy/CBT/whatever again. I don’t even know what I’m trying out this time. Actually I think it’s just an assessment tomorrow, even though I already had an assessment recently. I don’t know. I’m not filled with confidence seeing as at the last assessment they didn’t even realise that I’d used the service a few months before until I told them. That’s great organisation right there! I don’t really feel that nervous. I’ve been through this a thousand times. I’m just weary. I don’t know why I’m bothering with it. I don’t know why I’m bothering with anything anymore to be honest. I don’t remember ever feeling this hopeless and helpless before. It’s scary. I wish I knew what to do. I am EXHAUSTED beyond belief. |
| Day 15 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Music speaks to our souls. What songs have made an impact on your life and why?" I’ve blogged about this topic before. I could just find the entry and provide the link because it perfectly fits the prompt but that would be lazy. And possibly against the challenge rules! But it’s fun to write about music, so I don’t mind revisiting the subject. There are many songs that have had an impact on my life or that I associate with certain events or people. Some songs have the power to transport me to the past and stir my emotions. One of the biggest things that has ever happened to me was the death of my brother in 2005 and now I can hardly bear to listen to the song “I’ll Stand By You” as it was played at his funeral. I feel emotional when I hear “Where is the love?” by the Black Eyed Peas because it was his favourite song. I barely ever listen to “A Sort of Homecoming” by U2, even though it’s one of my favourite songs ever, because it’s the track I played over and over again after his death to help me through. Unfortunately I don’t have many memories of my brother so I cling to these songs as a way to connect to him, if that makes sense. I don’t really know how to explain it. But they will always feel important to me. Some other songs that are important to me include “The One I Love” by REM (which is mine and Mark’s song!), “More Than A Feeling” by Boston, “Songbird” by Fleetwood Mac, ”Smokers Outside the Hospital Doors” by the Editors, “How Did It Ever Come To This” by Easyworld, “Never Fit” by Gandalf Murphy and the Circus of Dreams, “I Want To Know” by the Mavericks (best cheer up song EVER!), “Bones” by The Killers, “The Wrong Child” by REM, “December 1963 (Oh What A Night)” by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, "City of Blinding Lights" by U2, “Last Stop: This Town” by the Eels etc, etc. There are way too many to list all of them! Can you tell I love music?! With a lot of those songs, and others I haven’t mentioned (because that would take all day), I can’t exactly explain how they’ve had an impact on me or why, I just know they have. At the moment I am obsessed with Brandon Flowers’s album “Flamingo”. I particularly love the songs “Hard Enough” and “Jilted Lovers & Broken Hearts”, which I listen to several times a day! This album is helping me get through a particularly bad phase of depression. I don’t know how I would have coped without it! Think I might listen to it now actually, as I've had a horrible day and need cheering up...!   |
| Day 14 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "What are your favorite places within the Writing.com community and why?" Urgh! My dog woke me up at 6am and I can’t get back to sleep so I thought I’d tackle today’s prompt nice and early. I can hardly believe that at the end of next month I will have been a member here at WDC for four years. It’s the longest I’ve stuck around on any internet community and, as long as it’s here, I imagine I will be too! As for my favourite places, I’ll start with the groups I’m a member of. (By the way, I'm British, so "favourite" has a "u" in it!) I’m one of the leaders in the Paper Doll Gang ("Invalid Item" ) and, even though I have been moaning a bit about my role recently, I do love being a member. The group is supportive, accepting, encouraging and I feel privileged to be a part of it. Another favourite place of my mine, and a group I’ve been a member of for a long time, is the "SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP" . Unfortunately I haven’t been active in the group for a while now. A few months ago (or probably longer, I forget!) I realised I’d taken on too much here and got totally burned out. I’ve been working hard to regain my enthusiasm and pick up my activity again (and being promoted to moderator has certainly given me incentive to do that!) but some of my activities have sadly fallen by the wayside. However, I’m slowly rebuilding my confidence in reviewing and hope to start participating again in the group, which remains a favourite of mine, very soon. More recently I joined "The Talent Pond" as a staff member and judge for the "Invalid Item" contest, which has definitely become a favourite place of mine. I love helping to review and judge the entries. The Talent Pond has been wonderful in helping me get back into reviewing, and also writing, as last year I took part in their awesome Autumn poetry challenge!"Poetic Exploration" is another favourite of mine. Here is a place I can meet up with fellow intrepid explorers and delve into the realm of poetry! Though I’ve been inactive for a while, I often visit the group to keep up with the latest explorations and will return to it as an active member just as soon as I possibly can.As for non-group places, I love to visit the review page to scan it for interesting reviews that inspire me to click open items. I also often visit the blog list to see if my favourite blogs have been updated! And lastly, but by no means leastly (which isn’t actually a word, though it should be!) I love spending time browsing through the portfolios of my favourite authors, who you will find listed on my fans page. (I’m ridiculously cheerful this morning for someone who has only had two hours of sleep!) |
| Day 13 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: “How would it affect your life if we suddenly lost all of the services and technologies we rely on everyday? No electricity or gas service? No water or sewer? No telephone? No television? No internet? No radio? No gasoline?" In a nutshell, it would affect my life in a negative way at first but would then get easier. In something slightly bigger than a nutshell, I would find it difficult to cope for a while, probably, but I would adapt. Electricity and gas are extremely hard to live without. We went for a period of time without hot water and heating once when our boiler broke and it was horrible. We had to use friends’ showers and wear about a million layers of clothing in the house just to keep warm. But we survived. Technology dominates our lives and I know I’d struggle without the internet. I could live without television and radio but I use my computer so much. I honestly can’t remember what I used to do before the internet! But humans are a highly adaptable species and I would learn to cope and make the most of things. I think I'd even learn to enjoy a simpler life. I know I'd get more exercise which can only be a good thing and I'd have to use my brain more to come up with ways to keep myself entertained. Blah, blah, blah. I know this entry is lame but I really don’t feel like blogging today so it will have to do. The "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" really is becoming a challenge for me now and we’re not even half way yet. I’m determined to see it through though. It doesn’t help that I’m in a bad mood, I suppose, so hopefully tomorrow will be easier. |
| Day 12 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Write about yourself as you would a fictional character, in the third person. Try to view yourself as objectively as possible, detailing your appearance, mannerisms, perceptions and attitudes etc or just whatever comes to mind and only what you are comfortable sharing.” Yay! This is my prompt which I modified from a book on writing. I thought it would be an interesting blog prompt and also a fun writing exercise. I hope so anyway! So here is mine: Jess is 24 years old, 5 feet small and of slim build. She has curly brown hair and freckles. Her eyes, which she considers to be her best physical feature, are blue, though a segment of the right eye is brown. She is soft-spoken though becomes very animated and expressive when talking about something she feels passionate about. She often walks with her head down because she hates to be noticed. On the surface she is a serious, intense person and can come across as snobby, though this is just because of shyness. Those who are close to her know that she has an excellent sense of humour and loves to laugh. She is part of a family that revels in making fun of each other and has, therefore, developed a sharp wit and an ability to laugh at herself. Jess has an above average intelligence level (though next to no common sense!) but can be lazy when it comes to academic things and doesn’t always meet her full potential. However, if she really wants to achieve something she can completely transform herself, becoming determined and hard-working. Her obsessive personality means she sticks at things and sees them through to the end even if all she wants to do is quit! She has always been a very private person and finds it difficult to share her thoughts and feelings with others so uses writing poetry as an outlet for her emotions. Sharing her poetry on writing.com is one of the scariest yet best things she has ever done! Unfortunately she has a negative, depressive personality. Over the years she has tried to change this but is now just trying to learn to accept that it is her true nature. Despite that, she remains a kind and compassionate human being, often emphasising deeply with people and taking on their problems as her own. This can be quite harmful to her at times. Jess has suffered from depression for ten years and often finds life a struggle. When she isn’t feeling completely hopeless she dreams of getting married at some point and would love to be a mother. She is unemployed at the moment but wants a fulfilling career—maybe something to do with the environment as she has a degree in Animal Biology and Conservation. She isn’t bothered about having a huge salary but needs a job in which she feels she is doing something worthwhile and feels secure. More than anything Jess wishes she could be an ordinary person with an ordinary life but, at this time, she remains one of life's eccentrics! |
| Day 11 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Today marks the 10-year anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, this tragedy touched us all. It changed the course of history and altered our lives forever. Today is a day to reflect on those events and remember all of the innocent victims that were lost. The human spirit is always enduring and perseveres even through a horrible tragedy such as this. Write about your feelings, thoughts, emotions, anything that comes to mind, both then and now." I can’t believe the 9/11 terrorist attacks happened 10 years ago. It really doesn’t feel that long. I was 14. I think it was around 2pm here in the UK when the planes struck. Sorry if I’m wrong—I’m not sure of the exact timings. I was in school and was told by my mum when she came to pick my sister and me up. She didn’t really know what had happened, just that there had been a terrorist attack in America. She had the radio on in the car but I can’t remember what was being said. We came home and switched the television on and saw what had happened. I won’t pretend I remember how I felt. I can guess I was shocked, horrified and upset but I really don’t remember. Apart from that memory I described above, I don’t remember anything else about that day. But what does my personal experience and memories of the day matter? Nothing, really. My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones. And that’s all I want to say. |
| Day 10 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "How do you cure writer’s block? Do you have a special ritual that you go through when you encounter writer’s block? Or do you just suffer through it and hope it clears up or goes away?" I’m not sure I really believe in writer’s block. Well, no, I do. I just don’t think it’s the best phrase. I feel something like “creatively challenged” might be a more suitable term because even if a person can’t think of anything creative to write about, they can still write. They could write about not being able to write. They could write a shopping list. They could write an account of their day. They could write anything! I really believe that “writer’s block” is mostly just a lack of confidence. I find it harder to write when I put too much pressure on myself to come up with something amazing straight away. I often need to remind myself that it’s okay to write crap sometimes! I’m nowhere near as prolific with my poetry writing as I used to be and I often go through long periods where I feel like I can’t write anything creative but I can still write, and I do. In my first ever blog entry I wrote this: ‘I set up this blog to encourage myself to write—even if it is just any old drivel—through the dry seasons of my poetry writing ‘career.’ And my blog has been great for that! And in another entry I wrote this: ‘I seem to be blocked again at the moment when it comes to poetry but at least I have my blog now. I may not be able to channel my feelings into a rhythmic, rhyming masterpiece ( ) but I can unleash them here in a torrent of swear words and whinge-fest adjectives.’ I think everyone always has something they can write about, but maybe a story or a poem or whatever isn’t always the best outlet for their feelings or ideas etc. I think “writer’s block” occurs when that person can’t see the other “outlets” available to them. But I really don’t know if I’m making sense! So anyway, when I’m suffering from writer’s block or feeling temporarily creatively challenged or whatever you want to call it, I write in my blog. Or if I don’t feel like blogging, I review, because that is still writing after all. A great way for curing “poetry block” is to find a poetry form you haven’t written in before and challenge yourself to write something in that form. It doesn’t have to be good. You don’t have to share it with anyone! You just have to write. I was once given some fantastic advice by a member here at WDC. I was really struggling with my writing and putting so much pressure on myself (and therefore was hardly writing anything at all) and he told me that I needed to start writing for me again. He told me to just have fun with writing and not worry about the end result and what people would think of it. That really was some of the best advice I’ve ever had and it helped me a lot. |
| Day 9 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Where do you turn to and what do you see when you're lonely?" Ah, loneliness! I know it well, unfortunately. I have a poem in my port that I think describes what loneliness feels like to me quite effectively: "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor Loneliness has taken shape: a shadowed figure lurking behind me, always present. But even he ignores me. I don’t know if it’s any good but I’m rather fond of it anyway! I like the irony in it of loneliness actually being some kind of figure keeping me company. I feel lonely a lot. Even if I’m with people I can still get lonely as I often feel I’m apart from them. Being in a long-distance relationship also makes me feel extremely lonely at times, especially when I’m in desperate need of a hug! I feel it as a physical thing—an ache in my heart—and when it’s really bad, there is nowhere I can turn to, or nothing I can do to make myself feel better. I just have to ride it out. I’m so glad I have my dog, Jade, because if I didn’t I think I would have gone crazy with loneliness a long time ago. Being unemployed is an isolating and soul-destroying experience (as is being depressed) but having a dog has given me a reason to get out of bed and get out of the house. Jade needs company and exercise and at the moment it is my responsibility to take care of her. She gives me a purpose and that not only helps me to keep going but also stops me from being swallowed up by loneliness. I really don’t know how I’d cope without her! She has given me a reason to live in the two long years since I finished University and felt like I’d lost everything—my friends, my interests, my life. That was an unbelievably lonely and bewildering thing to go through and I am still feeling the after effects. Joining WDC was a way to help me combat loneliness too. Being such a private person can often make me feel so totally alone. At the time of joining WDC, nobody in my life knew about my mental health difficulties and suddenly I found myself posting poems about my experiences for strangers to read! It was both terrifying and liberating at the same time but most importantly I felt I was being listened to and understood. That was very comforting and helped me to not feel so alone. Then of, of course, making friends online and meeting Mark also helped tremendously. Despite that, however, I still often feel a deep sense of loneliness in my soul, but I think that’s just a part of my personality. I am an eccentric, intense, negative person. I’ve come to accept that is who I am but I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to feeling so incredibly different and distant from other people. Sorry my last couple of entries have been so depressing... if anyone’s reading! Blogging can make me feel lonely sometimes when I feel like I'm just talking to myself! |
| Day 8 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Imagine the abstract part of you (mind, soul, spirit) is a house. What rooms are in the house? Which room is your favorite, or are you afraid of, or do you find yourself in most? Describe one of these rooms in detail, or give us an overview of the whole house full of rooms". I really like this prompt as I often think of my mind as being some kind of building with lots and lots of rooms in it. I’m not sure it’s specifically a house but if it was it would be extremely hard to live in! Every single room in the building of my brain is filled with stuff and noise and chaos. I think if it was a house, it would be a big, dusty Victorian mansion—very dark and gothic. It would be crammed with large, mahogany furniture which you’d barely be able to see because every surface would have piles of junk on it, representing my thoughts and memories or fragments of thoughts and memories because I have many, many of those scattered about in my mind. There would be a big, old-fashioned looking radio somewhere about, not quite tuned in properly. It would flicker between stations and white noise would crackle from it incessantly. One room would be reserved for some kind of movie projector which would play only the most traumatic or humiliating memories on a loop, over and over and over again. And even when I’m not in that room I’d be constantly aware of it, knowing that those images are still playing. A demon would live in the attic and although it would be locked up there, I’d still be able to hear it calling out horrible things to me from time-to-times. Things like ‘you’re worthless, you’ll never amount to anything’ etc. Another room would have a big, ornate lock on the door and I’d have the key. I’d use it to shut away things I can’t bear to think about but I’d still hear them clattering about sometimes, trying to get out. The windows would all be locked and have bars on them. The front door would be a huge, heavy medieval-style door made of oak and complete with black iron studs, but on the inside. It would always be locked and impossible to break through because that’s what it feels like to me most of the time—that I’m trapped in my mind—my dark, chaotic, intense mind. |
| Day 7 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Write an experience where you were scammed by a transaction. How do you fight with it?" I’m not sure I’ve fully understood today’s prompt but I’ll give it a go anyway! I can’t write about an experience where I got scammed by a transaction because luckily it has never happened to me. And hopefully it never will, I hasten to add! People with paranoid personality types, like me, don’t get caught out by that kind of thing very easily. I am so cautious and mistrustful in situations involving money, especially on the internet, and I only give my card details on websites I know and trust. The same goes for my personal details. I think another factor, other than my paranoia, that has protected me from becoming a victim of a scam is the fact that I have no money to be scammed out of! I’m not really a criminal’s dream target seeing as I’m unemployed and poor. Also, apart from my car insurance and tax, I don’t really spend much money so potential criminals don’t have much opportunity to prey on me anyway. I hate those automated phone calls of someone saying: “Congratulations! You’ve won a holiday/car/£10,000” etc. Um, how could I have won something when I haven’t entered any competitions? I never get past that first sentence because I usually hang up straight away, so I don’t know exactly how they work or why anyone would fall for something like that. But presumably they do? I suppose the closest I’ve come to being conned is when shop staff try and get you to buy stuff you don’t need or push “extras” at you etc. Occasionally I might end up spending more than I actually need to but usually I am good at saying no. However, when I set up the monthly payment scheme for my contact lenses recently I was surprised to learn I’m on the “premium plan”. That sounds expensive to me (and it is fairly costly) but none of the other “plans” were outlined to me. I don’t think I’ll do anything about it though as I value my eyes and think they deserve the best! And that’s all I have to say really. I hope I haven’t misunderstood the prompt! |
| Day 6 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "Summer? Autumn? Winter? Spring? Which is your favorite time of the year and why is it your favorite? Tell what kinds of things you like to do during that season."      There are certain things I enjoy about all the seasons but I think Autumn is probably my favourite—especially during September and early October when the weather usually isn’t too cold. I think nature is at its most beautiful during autumn in my part of the world. I love the rich colourfulness of it—lots of bright yellow, burnt orange, warm brown and deep red. I love walking my dog at this time of year and seeing nature’s art and enjoying the crisp sound of leaves crunching underfoot. As long as it isn’t too biting, the chill of the air is actually quite refreshing and, around here, you can often smell the smoky tang of a bonfire, which is an aroma I adore! I even enjoy the blustery, rainy days. It’s so cosy to sit inside in the warmth, listening to the wind whipping through branches and raindrops hitting leaves. There are a couple of things I don’t like about autumn though. I don’t enjoy Halloween—well the trick-or-treating aspect of Halloween. I also don’t like Bonfire night because there are usually loads of fireworks and my dog is extremely frightened of them. It’s horrible seeing her quivering like crazy, with big, scared eyes and not being able to do a thing to calm or reassure her.  Spring has to be a close second though, or maybe it’s even on a par with autumn! I love the mild weather, when it isn’t too hot or too cold. I love the first day you can go outside without a coat on and hear all the sounds that herald the beginning of the warmer weather—like the cheerful chirping of birds, the hum of a lawn mower and the laughter of playing children. The sight of nature rejuvenating really gladdens the heart! |
| Day 5 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "What if the "one that got away", the person who absolutely ripped your heart to shreds, came crawling back to you begging for another chance? How would you handle the situation?" Hmmm... this is easily the hardest prompt for me so far. I’ve never had my heart broken (in the romantic sense). There isn’t anyone in my life I can label “the one who got away”. There has only ever been one man in my life and we are still happily together after 3 years. But as a writer, and an extremely empathetic person, I’m good at putting myself in other people’s shoes, so I’m just going to imagine the situation described in the prompt. If there was someone else, someone I’d loved who had caused me tremendous pain, and they came back asking for a second chance, I think I’d probably tell them where to go, especially as I’m now with someone I love very much. I am not a forgiving person. I never forget those who have hurt me. Loyalty is extremely important to me—I’m the sort of person who would die for the ones they love—but people who have broken my trust, lose my loyalty (most of them, anyway). I have had my trust broken many, many times and have been badly hurt by people I thought cared about me. My experiences made me a very bitter and guarded person. That is, until I went to University. In my second year, I met two of the nicest people I’ve ever met and they managed to restore my faith in people. Then I met Mark, here on WDC, and my life changed! I found myself letting my guard down. I found myself trusting someone enough to tell them everything—stuff I’d never told anyone before. I found myself falling in love. I never thought this would happen for me and, because of my past, I’m more than a little bit terrified that I’ll lose it. I’ve never given someone so much of my heart before. Even though it scares the hell out of me, I’m glad I had the courage to do it, because loving someone this much, and feeling loved in return, is the best thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m not letting this one get away!  |
| Day 4 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "When is it OK to lie? We all tell the occasional "little white lie". What makes them more acceptable than a regular lie?" “Tell me Lies Tell me sweet little lies” [Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac] I love those lyrics and I think they’re appropriate for this blog entry! In my opinion it’s okay to lie to a person if the truth would hurt them in some way but only if the truth is “unimportant”. I’m not sure I’ve explained that very well so here’s an example. If a friend got a new haircut, which looked absolutely terrible, and they asked me how they look, I’d probably lie and tell them they look nice. Telling someone they look awful is never going to go down well so what’s the point?! The hair will grow out and the friend will (hopefully) remain blissfully unaware that they looked like an idiot for a few months. No real harm done, in my opinion. Though you may have to find a way to tactfully dissuade the friend from getting the same style the next time they visit the hairdressers! If the truth could hurt someone, but it’s important that they know something, then I don’t think it is okay to lie. As another example, if someone here on WDC wants to get their poem published, and is asking for reviews and their poem has serious flaws, then they need to be told that (as sensitively and politely as possible of course!) The truth would probably hurt their feelings but it would be beneficial to them. I tell lies. My whole life is practically a lie. Nobody in my family knows that I suffer from depression and OCD. I think they suspect though and I’ve been asked many times if I’m okay etc and I always say ‘yes, I’m fine’. Is it okay for me to lie like that? Probably not. My family would be devastated if they knew I’d kept such a big thing from them for so long. They’d want to know. But the lying is a protective thing for me—a coping mechanism. If I can convince my family I’m okay, then I can keep going—I can function on a basic level. It takes up huge amounts of energy but telling the truth would be disastrous for me in a way I can’t explain. So, in my eyes, my untruthfulness is acceptable. This is a big topic and I’m not sure I’ve really done it justice. But I’ve had very little sleep and now I need to go back to bed!  |
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