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Hope is here. By hope i mean university life. |
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No longer am i speaking AGAINST what is wrong with the world. I am now part of the problem. But, i still maintain some of my morals.. so it's a moral conflict right now. I understand why people do wrong, but i know what's right and these are my views from behind enemy lines... If you're new to this, the posts are from newest to oldest. So, all of the new stuff are to the top. So read from bottom to top for chronological order if you want Oh! This is something new. I'm being featured in a story which tells about my days at university. Check it out to see what really happens to me on a daily basis and how i conduct myself. Its 100% FACT
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| Hello W.com and whoever else follows my blog!! Well, its been quite a long time since I've updated my blog haven't it? 18 days to be exact... what has been going on that has kept me so busy? Well... nothing actually! Its just me and my extremely lazy attitude!! Well, my birthday was 14th May (Mother's Day!!). It wasn't spectacular.. in fact it wasn't even great.. far less good... i got one present froma friend. I really appreciated it. No hard hitting topics today ,just a boring blog entry:P . I AM human u know!!! |
| Straight from the pages of V.C. Andrews 'Seeds Of Yesterday', just wanted to quote something i found sounded really nice. His burning eyes showed such intensity and interest I was enouraged to go on, especially when he asked, "How do you explain love?" "I don't know how to explain love, Bart. I don't think anyone can. It grows from day to day from having contact with that other person who understands your needs and you understand theirs. It starts with a faltering flutter that touches your heart and makes you vulnerable to everything beautiful. You see beauty where before you'd seen ugliness. You feel glowing inside, so happy without knowing why. You appreciate what before you ignored. Your eyes meet with the eys of the one you love, and you see reflected in them your own feelings, you own hopes and desires and you're happy just to be with that person. Even when you don't touch, you still feel the warmth of being with that one person who fills all your thoughts. Then, one day you do touch. Perhaps his or her hand and it feel sgood. It doesn't even have to be an intimate touch. An excitement begins to grow, so you want to be with that person, not to have sex.. just to be with them an dgradually grow toward one another. You share your life in words before you share your body. Only then do you start seriously thinking abbout having sex with that person. You begin to dream about it. Still you put it off, waiting, waiting for the right moment. You want this love to stay, to never end. So you go slowly, slowly toward the ultimate experience of your life. Day by day, minute by minute, second by second and from moment to moment you anticipate that one person knowing you won't be disappointed, knowing that person will be faithful, dependable... even when she's out of sight or you're out of sight. There's trust, contentment, peace, happiness when you have genuine love. To be in love is like turning on s light in a dark room. All of a sudden everything becomes bright and visible. You're never alone because she loves you and you love her." |
| A cheerful morning to W.com. Life is looking up since i've finished 2 out of 5 of my finals. So, this morning i'm taking it a little easy and not panicking. I actually was feeling really lazy and didn't feel like blogging, but i'm digging through the pain and making the extra effort to make a commitment to all my loyal readers out there. Whoever they may be... Well, as usual on my way up to campus I once again realised I didn't have a topic (anyone noticing a pattern :P). So, I sat down and began thinking about what i could possible argue about this morning. I wanted something simple to talk about that wouldn't require me to use too much brainpower. I was thinking to just talk about how guys dress like thugs and how they think they're the shit, but instead i decided to change my focus on something else... There was a girl I mentioned before named Courtney. She's on a foreign exchange program with several other girls. I met her about 3 months back and ever since I met her we hang out and I show her around my country, cuz I mean she's a foreigner! But, the catch to all of this is that she's white! Well, to most of you reading this, it wouldn't be something major but where I live there are mostly people who are either black or indian with chineese being the minority. So, if you're white its a really big deal. Why is it a big deal? I dunno! People stare and gawk anytime they see her and her friends walking the street. People will literally stop driving to stare at her as she passes by. I mean, people are supposed to be people right? Because the mere fact her skin colour is different does that mean se has to be stared upon like a spectacle? Oh, wait .. maybe its because she has blonde hair. Because she has white skin, blonde hair and blue eyes people are just astounded by this and just see the need to constant shout out ' Whitey!' or even 'White pu**y!' Yeah, i've heard alot of the stuff they call her and there have been even some other they call her when i'm not around. Do i feel bad for her? Yeah! Of course i do! How would i feel if i go America and i'm subject to that same ridicule? I wouldn't like it at all, at all. I'd be disgusted, angry and wonder why people can't mind their damn business. And everyday she has to put up with this. I probaly don't understand HOW hard it is for her when she tells me about this, but i try my best to understand and tell her to ignore it. I think she has grown accostomed to it now and she ignores people for the most part when they give her stares and tell her stuff. I can talk more about this topic, but i kinda wanna wrap up, but i do promise i'll address this topic on a late note. Probaly i'll do a part 2 to it or something. Peace out peoples. |
| Morning to everyone. Well, as i was on my to campus today I realised that I didn't have a topic for today. I was a little bummed because I didn't have anything to rant and rave about. So, then I looked up from the book I was reading (Seeds Of Yesterday - V.C. Andrews) and I noticed that most of the people in the maxi were women with the little children carrying them to school. It made me think about how life would be with a little me running around the place. It was hard for me to really try to picture it because as I said before, I cannot see myself in 10 years, so i was trying for a good 5 minutes to envision me having a child and playing with him/her and cradling it etc. I felt kinda sad after because it made me realise how much I do want to have children. Just imagine! Me, dressing my kid for school telling him to behave, me hugging my little girl every night, propping her on my knee, rubbing my little boy's head.. so many things... But, I know that a child isn't all fun & games. I mean come ON! I've seen my aunt's children and they look like they could be quite a handful. I mean the what if's are just ridiculous when it comes to having children. In posts #26 'Should Verbal+Physical abuse be an option' and #22 'Boys & Girls, should we raise them the same..' I talk a little about raising children and some Do's + Don'ts and some of the difficulties there are wihth raising kids in today's society. With the world changing so rapidly parents have to be on their toes and aware with what's going on. Will I be like that? Will I be able to understand the problems my kids are having? Will I be able to protect them from the evils of the world? Will I be able to have a good relationship with them? Will my children love me? .... I don't know the answer to these questions... All i know is that I badly want to have kids and I hope that I will live to see the day when that happens. Before I end off, I have to include this piece I read in a book I finished yesterday (If There be Thorns -V.C. Andrews). It doesn't relate back to thi particular topic, but its a good exaple of the love I want to share with a lady one day. I pray that some day Bart will see life my way - that love - no matter what its form, or how it comes wrapped, is worth the price, no matter how high. Between the choice of love or money I'll take love. But, first comes dancing. And when Bart is old and grey and he sits in Foxworth Hall counting his billions, I'll sit with my wife and family content with the happy memories of how it used to be when I was young, graceful handsome, on stage with the footlights in my eyes, the sound of applause in my ears and I'll know I fulfilled my destiny. The significance of that was to show money can't buy happiness. True love is what you need in life to be content... hopefully everyone will find true love in their life. Even me. |
| Sup everyone Today i'm just going to talk a little about why I even have this blog. I was thinking about this last night and i never mentioned this here. Well, one of the more obvious reasons i display my various rantings here on these topics is that I don't normally talk about it. All of these things on society and women and the ills of the world I talk about I don't chat about them with anyone. Well, actually I recently shared a portion of what I believe in with one person, but apparently we don't talk anymore so I guess its safe to say I don't talk to anyone about it. People don't realise that I AM seeing what is going on in the world. I'm not just idly standing by looking at the sky, i'm obvserving and noting all that is going on. I don't talk about most of these things because it just doesn't seem 'cool' (that's the best word I could think of at this point in time) to. Why should i talk against some of the things that my even my close friends do? Why should i preach against some of the wrongs of today's society when I myself ALSO partake in some of them!! I HAVE to post all of my thoughts and feelings here because i'm 100% sure that not even half the people in my life know the depth that I'm capable of. I always have on a mask which protects my emotions and true feelings from everyone else. I mask my thoughts so they would not know what i truly think. I'm sure everyone else does this, but to the extent which i do it I think some would see it as shocking. If I die, I don't want people to know me as the guy who was just did silly shit and laughed alot and played games. I don't want my parents to see me as the son who never smiled when he was home and always looked unhappy. I want them to know that I AM beyond what they just appear to notice and that there is a truly intelligent person lying underneath all of that nonsense. Odd to believe, but some people think of Banks to be a stupid guy :) Speaking of when I die, I am of the belief that I will actually die young. Yes, it is true I do actually believe that I will die young. It like how Malcom X knew that in 1966 he would be assasinated by someone, I know that sometime in the near future my life will be taken. I have known this for some time now, but only recently I realised that if I do die there is no record left of me and all the stuff I ever thought and believed in. So my blog, this what I am currently writing is my diary. Life is dangerous in the country that I live in and at any moment I can lose my life. Also, I cannot picture how or where I will be in 10 years. I cannot see myself with a wife, house or children. I mean, i WANT to be married and I would love to have children, but I just cannot picture it happening. I mean, this is a common thing among some guys where they can't see something happening in the futrue, but for me its different.. I can't describe it, but i just KNOW that I won't make it to be a ripe old age. Its weird I know, but at least I can expect it. I'm lucky to still be alive even now. So much murders and kidnappings are occuring and at the late hours i travel its a wonder I'm not a victim... As I said, my blog is here for people to read and see how NOT to live. I want so much for not only my country, but for the world. If you want society to change you must first start with people, you must first start with a person. Each person must change their own self before they point a finger and expect others to change. I want so much, but i do so little. All I can do is just offer my blog for people to read.. maybe i can change ONE person's life.. if i can just do that then I know my job is done. Before I wrap this up, I just to say thanks to my good friend Courtney. To me she always be my good friend no matter what. Because of her I'm now blogging everyday!!! Can you believe that? Its weird how it happened, but something happened and I'm now preparing topics and writing them out. Life is weird like that. I'm just happy to start back writing! So Courtney, this one is for you, whether you knew it or not |
| Hello to everyone in w.com and whoever else decides to check this out. I'm writing today to talk about being a nice guy. For awhile i've debating the topic, 'Do Nice Guys Finish Last' and as weird as this may sound my answer is YES nice guys DO finish last in today's society. Why you ask? Well, look around you! No girl wants a guy who would treat with her respect and love and adore her. Girls in today's society prefer the bad guy (check out post # 44 Understanding women take 3) and i still for the life of me can't understand why even after so much analyzing. That's just how people are. From what i have gathered though they are saying that they don't want a guy who would smother them and let them walk over them. I agree with those points, it can be annoying when someone loves you TOO much (i can't believe i just said that.. how can you possibly love someone too much? You can love too little yes, but in no way can you love too much in my opinion ) and having a pushover for a instead of a man i can see how that is unappealing. Is chivalry a bad thing to practice? Before even answering this you should define what chivalry is. One of the meanings of chivalry is the code of behavior associated with medieval knighthood such as bravery, courtesy, honour, fidelity, and defence of the weak. I like that definition because it identifies qualities you should demonstrate towards your lady (the defence of the weak part i know some ladies would take offense to, but because your man defends you doesn't make you weak, it just shows that he's ready to protect you!). Another much more simpler definition of chivalry is courtesy towards women. Is chivalry wrong in today's society? Yes. Why? Because it makes you a pussy. No, I am NOT censoring what I am saying I don't care what w.com thinks because that's how the world is. If you open doors, pull out chairs, be courteous and respect a woman in today's society you're a pussy and to me that's just damn shit. The question is though, do i care that i'm a pussy? Hell no! I don't care what society thinks. At heart i know what i am. I'm a genetleman. I'm not a thug or a gangsta, no i'm a nice guy. A guy who sees the best in ladies and is willing to try and get to know their personality rather than just get to know them for their physical attributes. I rather know i have a good personal link with a lady rather than just a physical one. Society today is generally stupid, i know this without a doubt. I have known this for quite awhile and more and more i see it getting gradually worse. Should i change my image to fit into society? At one point, about 2 years back i did. I stopped being a nice guy and began being an asshole towards girls. Surprisingly girls responded to that. After awhile though you began to notice a pattern in the girls, which i'll talk about in a little while. I did it for a little more than a year, then i stopped and i know now i will never allow myself to return to that lifestyle. If a girl turns me down because i'm 'too nice' then she has to be stupid. Because how the hell could you turn down a guy willing to dedicate so much time and energy towards you? There are so much things i wanna say, but time doesn't permit me to. But, basically most girls nowadays don't have substance. They don't know what they want and when they have something that is truly worthwhile they waste it away. This is not some random guess, this is something i've been seeing happening since 5 years back which i've noted. All that i am saying here, this isn't just something i've noticed from observing for 1 day, this is something that has been going on for awhile which i was fully aware of. Now i'm just piecing together everything i've known and making my assumptions out of them. I would not want a girl who is just a shell, i need a girl who has a head on her shoulders and makes good decisions. I need a girl who could return the amount i love i can give. I need a 'nice' girl, but at the rate society is going maybe a 'nice' girl doesn't exist or maybe i haven't met her yet. Ok, i'm lying now i have met several nice girls and they DO exist, but they are in the minority compared to the others. But, in the end it all comes down to who you end up liking. Who knows, i could end up loving some crack-whore bitch and marry her, i can't predict my future, but i do know whwere my morals and standards are. And anyone who has read everything i've written in the past knows that. So, who knows what will happen 10 years from now. All i'm saying is that people need to wake up and realise what's going on. No longer do we praise respectfulness and courtesy, but instead we favour ruthlessness and roughancy. I'm just going to end this off by saying, 'I am proud to be a gentleman' |
| Its hard looking at back at things you did and regretting them. I've never done anything like raped a girl or killed something, i'm just talking about time wasted. This semester is wrapping itself up and finals are coming up and once again i'm hustling to study. I wonder if this is how it will be for all my life.. I know now that my brain is lazy. If i wasn't lazy i would be pushing myself to do my best and i would be learning new stuff that would help make me an overall better person or at least help me in my carrer option. Its hard looking back at things you're doing and know that you're doing wrong. Knowing that you could do much better, but because of some problem you have that you just can't put your finger on, you can't. I'm working day and night now to be succesful in university because my friends around me are doing horrible. I know at LEAST 4 people who have to repeat year 1 of university and i know 2 people who will be kicked out for sure at the end of this semester. I don't want to be a bum.. i want to be able to have a good job and live comfortably. I want to be able to earn enough money to support my wife and children. I want to be able to make it. In my country too many people fall short and end up in a mediocre job that they hate or they are doomed to a life of poverty. I don't want this for myself, but at the same time i'm not exactly helping my situation. I hope that i can find someway to completely wake myself up. I do think i'm making progress because i'm at least recognizing the fact i have a problem. The next step is for me to get help for my problems and solve them. I have alot of emotional/psychological problems. Yep, its all true. I honestly think i need to see a proper head shrink about these things. i.e. i cannot express myself, i have trust issues, i have low self-esteem, i have peer problems issues. There's alot more, but i can't really explain them. .. i don't know, so many things wrong not much time. I think one of my main problems that i DO know is affecting me are my friends. My company is bad... they're not exactly positive influences. I should get a new batch of friends to be around, but i can't just throw away my old relationship with my friends. That's about 5-10 years of friendship i'm leaving behind. But, i think i will have to in order for me to make it in life. I've suspected this for awhile, but this semester in university has confirmed it. Most of my friends ARE bad influences in terms of me and my studies and i have allowed them to infect me. Why am i randomly ranting and raving tonight? Because i have to. This is the first time i've released my problems publicly and i'm doing so for the world to see without any fear. Its hard living life with no one in the world to trust and confide in. I have NO ONE to trust, can you believe that? I have so many thoughts and feelings and no one to share them with.. its sad, but true. Now, don't get me wrong ppl your boy Banks isn't ugly or an outcast of society! On the contrary, i'm cool and i hang out alot, i go to parties etc. I'm not a like a loser/nerd or anything and i have no problem talking to girls or anything like that. Its just that its like a mask i wear. Underneath all of what i show i'm an extremely hurt and lonely person. No one has realised this in the 19 years i've been on this earth and they need to realise this before its too late... I'm out peoples. I need some serious soul searching and i need immense inspiration for what i need to do in my life. I hope something happens soon.. |
| I can't get away from it!!! I'm a crack addict! (replace the word crack with gaming!) And the crazy thing is i KNOW i'm addicted.... I'm currently reading the autobiography of Malcom X and in one of the chapters (Black Muslims)Brother Malcom was speaking about a six-point therapeutic process that would be used to cure junkies of their drug + alcohol addictions. The addict first was brought to admit to himself that he was an adict. Secondly, he was taught why he used narcotics. Third, he was shown that there was a way to stop addiction Fourth, the addict's shattered slef-image and ego were built up until an addict realised that he had within the self-power to end his addiction. Fifth, the addict voluntarily underwent a cold turkey break with drugs. Sixth, finally cured, now an ex-addict completes the cycle by "fishing" up other addicts whom he knows and supervising their salvaging. So basically its a cycle of saving one person, then the person that is saved saves another and continues till everyone is cured. Very good method they have, but it wasn't encouraged by the American government... I think I need to put myself on a program like this... its getting to a bad point.. |
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