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2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| "You don't have to mention sex on the first date." "I know I just don't want them to get the wrong impression or feel I'm leading them on." "Carmen its the first date! The impression is - its nice to meet you. Damn!" Nzingha laughed. Carmen sighed, it was easy for her to say that after all she wasn't a virgin. "Listen, you're making this harder than it is. Relax. I'm not saying have sex. Clearly you're not going to have sex but you can at least have three comfortable dates without making it an issue." "Well what should I say?" "What do you mean what should you say? Nothing. There's nothing to say. If he's trying to have sex with you on the first date then clearly he's the problem." "Well don't act like it's not on a guy's mind." "Of course it is, but there are guys out there who can respect you - just don't blast them with, 'Hi my name is Carmen and I'm not having sex before marriage, that's sure to drive anyone away." The above exercise was meant to be one where in practicing writing dialogue we had to write a conversation we'd had with a family member but write it from the point of view of the person you were talking to. Thinking about how they would talk and what they're thinking. I think that in this first draft of the exercise I'm still writing more from my point of view so I need to focus more on the other person. This is actually based off a conversation I'd had with my oldest sister who is -yep you guessed it- a virgin. And well you probably correctly assume where I stand on the issue seeing that I live with my boyfriend -hmm. But this reminds me of another conversation I had with my younger sister. Anyway, the thing is my little sister (now 20) and I are quite close and we're a lot alike. She's at that point in her life where she's with a guy and she can't see beyond him. More or less her first relationship - really her second but along the same lines. Anyway she's constantly talking to me about her relationship (which being slightly older can get tiring because I'm long past that stage and anyone who's past my stage feel free to HELP! me) and how close she's gotten to the ACT (ahhhhh!!) but she always stops and she just needs to break up with her guy because its too tempting and she doesn't know if she can stop herself. Now I tackled that dilemma when I was 19 my sophomore year in college and though I thought I was sure going to hell I got over that too. Now even though I was raised in a strong Christian family I pretty much knew I was not waiting until I was married. That's just me. I had pretty much come to terms with that before I finally went through with it. My dilemma is trying to advise my sister appropriately. If she wants to wait like my older sister, I support that, and if she decides not to, I support that but I don't want to say Hell go for it. So I try and be delicate when I talk to her. Then she gets all testy (she's a bit moody) and doesn't like what I'm saying - this is mainly when I'm supporting her decision to wait- so I'm like what do you want me to say do it? I told her to chill. Her and her boyfriend decided to take a break and after one day of him really taking a break she's calling me saying she can't take it. He hasn't called her all day. Aren't you on break? Yeah, but he hasn't called me all day! Get a grip I tell her. Exert some self-control and maintain your distance. Hell I need to take my own damn advice! I'm taking a break.... |
| Was just fabulous! Honestly it was one of the best plays I've ever seen and it was just wonderful. The cast was a perfect mix. The woman who played Sophia (Harpo's wife made famous by Oprah) was just amazing. She was a standout and almost stole the show she was so good. The audience was wonderful and it was a delightful two and half hours. A couple of scenes toward the end felt a little long but it was really worth it. That whole weekend I had spent with parents. They came for my mom and aunt's b-day with this tour. Because of the tour they were staying in Elizabeth, NJ which is 30 minutes outside of NY and though it wasn't far its much more preferable to stay in the city. We rented a car and I was the designated driver which proved to be a very tiring task as I also became the tour guide as well. We met up with a childhood friend of my dad's who's lived in NY since the 70's and is well connected. He works in politics and knew a lot of people. It's so surprising to me how some people like my dad and his friend Henry were able to leave Alabama. My dad to LA and Henry to NY. I mean all the family I have there seems to be so stuck there. They can hardly imagine leaving the state and living anywhere else. They have this mentality that is limiting. I'm glad my dad was blessed to live a lot more spontaneously - which is probably where I got it from and why I have no problem moving around. Anyway I bought a beautiful dress from Bloomindale's the day of the show. I think I need to stop buying certain things from catalogs despite how fabulously they're pictured. The dress I had bought was horrific when it came and consequently I needed a dress. I was under the impression that people used events such as a play on Broadway to dress up and make a night of it. We went to a wonderful restaraunt before hand and we were prepared to take pictures. All of which we did. I wasn't prepared though for people in jeans and sweatsuits and t-shirts all of which didn't make me uncomfortable as there were many people dressed like I was but I didn't think the opposite would have been so abundunt. Anyway I had a wonderful time and if you can going to see The Color Purple is worth the trip. |
| That's a good question...hmmm, I have bo idea what to say other than I sort of lost my way for a while and the I found the longer you stay away the easier it is to say I'll write something tomorrow. Boy did laziness (among other things) take a HOLD of me! I've gotten over it. I felt so stressed a couple of months ago what with my relationship, my work and whatver else. I'm over it. I've been taking some classes at Temple University and they have been so great! I must say that I've missed school immensely. I really love to learn and push myself and its been amazing so far. I've never been so happy and eager to get homework. I realize that I've found something I really love to do and all I want to do is work to perfect it. I took a couple of classes online and I realize that I work best in a classroom with instant teacher feedback as well as feedback from my peers. I'm able to focus better. This should also improve my experience at this site - I think I need to reach out a bit more.... I feel like I have so much to say and I don't know where to start or what to say. At this point I know that no one is reading this blog anymore and in a way thats okay. I mean I started this to basically just blow off some steam and force myself to regularly write something (which is clearly still a struggle). I didn't want to really edit myself or feel self-conscious of what I was writing. I was beginning to feel self-conscious of what I wrote as if to be careful of my audience. But with no audience there are no worries. We'll see.. I'm so excited to be back!!!!!......I'm also so excited that my parents and my aunt and her new boyfriend (my mom is a twin) are coming to NY to celebrate their 50th B-Day! So I will be up in NY this weekend hanging with my parents and I'm so happy to see them on my side of the coast for once. Its not that often that I get to see my parents besides holidays and I must say that I didn't realize how excited I'd be. Anyway this was meant to be a short entry to establish that I'm back once again.... |
| Today I've been listening to different sermons online that my co-worker told me about at a site called One Place. I find that at times I want to handle everything on my own and figure it out by myself but I know that I should give it all to God. I wonder if the rash on my cheeks is partly due to stress. I feel really uncomfortable advertising my faith at times, because I don't want to come off as if I'm judging anyone for their belief's because ultimately it isn't up to me. But I've been finding a lot of comfort in listening to these messages because I think I need to be reminded that there is a bigger picture. Blessings don't come without suffering. Dave and I get into a lot of debates with friends of ours about religion. We both have the same faith but we discuss what it means to be a Christian. I get so angry when I feel as if someone is telling me I'm not doing enough (and they are). I think everyone's walk is different, we are all at different places within our spiritual journey and ultimately only you and God know the truth. But I also think - I'm really not doing enough. I should study more and find a church home (I've been going to Dave's church and visiting a lot) and maybe that's why I get so irritated. Tne truth stings whether you admit it or not. I don't know. As is obviously seen around the world, religion can be such a volatile subject. |
| Okay so we went to Rehoboth beach this weekend in Delaware. It was a very nice beach in terms of the water, which was lovely and it was a really calm atmosphere but it was anything but diverse. Dave and I spontaneously decided to drive down on Saturday and stay overnight. And yes, if I've said it before, I'm saying it again, I hate that fact that all trips to the beach (or the shore I should say) have to be planned because back in Cali I'd be there in a zip. But anyway I know I know I'm not in Cali so I should stop complaining. So CLEARLY I was ecstatic to get some sun and it was hot - even right there near the water. We were of the few who didn't have big sun umbrellas and so we kept going in the water cooling off. I slathered sunblock all over my body but ALAS I forgot my face. So when we get back home I see how red my nose is and the rest of my face is darker but tinged with sunburn. So I slather aloe all over my face (which I do normally anyway). Let me remind you that I have never had any skin problems and I am not exagerrating. I can maybe count the number of pimples I've had in my lifetime that have lasted like a day. So the next day I'm feeling a bit cautious since I forgot sunscreen on my face all weekend and after having already put on my makeup at the last minute I decide to put some sunscreen (which is a new brand I just bought) on my cheeks and just a touch on my forehead. I don't really like doing that over my make-up but I thought whatever. That night I saw my face reddening a bit and thought it was irritated. Anyway to make this long story unfortunately longer I woke up the next morning (yesterday) with red rash like bumps all over my cheeks and a few on my forehead. This morning the same thing - though I felt it was worse though it may be the same. Mind you, this is happening to a person with great skin that I have been ever so thankful for so too see my face like this brings serious tears to my eyes. I contemplated wearing a scarf over my face today - but ultimately decided that would attract more attention. Added to the fact that I'm naturally 5'11 and today I'm wearing 3 inch heels so I'm standing over 6 feet tall. That's a picture. I couldn't get a dermatology appointment until TUESDAY and until then I'll be walking around looking like the before pictures on those Proactive commercials. I have prominent cheeks (go look at my pics) so for a red rash to be all over my cheeks - oh the horror. So I go to work today, and this is the second day where I'm extremely self-conscious. As seen above I can clearly be a bit dramatic and exaggerative (though seriously it is that bad) and so I tell a co-worker who I've gotten a bit close with that my face is a horror and I can't take this predicament. Her response: there are worse things get over it. Okay, so of course she is right, and there are worse things indeed. Me praying about this to God (which I may add, I have done so desperately) may seem extremely silly considering things happening around the world and right here in the U.S. And I did point out to her that this has never happened to me before and its all over my cheeks - which is essentially my whole face in my opinion, but though I can't stand to look at my face without grimacing she is right. So I just want to say that though I acknowledge that there are FAR worse things then the horrible rash that has made a home on my comfy cheeks, at the moment I'm tempted to include this in that category - I said tempted.... PRAY FOR ME!!!....clearly I need it |
| I think that writing letters is a lost art. I wrote Dave a group of letters when we were separated and I was in LA and he was in Philly. There is aomething about writing a letter that is therapeutic. You find that you can say more things written than verbally. I've decided that in my as of yet untouched journal I'm going to write a letter each day. Whatever seems relevant, I'll write about in a letter format. I was listening to this sermon online at work and it was talking about encouragement and how just a note, or a quick line written down and sent to someone really makes a difference. I've often thought of writing different people just to say I'm thinking of them but I somehow never get around to it but I really need to take the time to do it. I'm always so focused on getting the right stationary (lol) that I forget that no matter what kind of paper I use what I write is what's important. My sister just sent me some disks for my computer that she was letting me copy and she enclosed a short letter and it wasn't but a few lines but I thought it was so thoughtful. I think we all could do better to encourage people. E-mail seems to have replaced letters but in my mind there's nothing more intimate and thoughtful than when you unexpectedly receive letter and knowing someone took the time to write it thinking of you. |
| My fingers itch to write in the journal Dave got me for Christmas. There's nothing like writing something by hand. I have so much to say that I feel blocked and fearful of saying here and being so vulnerable to comments and judgment. But I can't. I have a fear of being found out. Of someone reading my thoughts and judging me and questioning how I feel and why. (sigh) I have this image of writing and then immediately putting my journal in a safe deposit box. My fear is that real. He's off the phone...whatever...I wish I didin't care so much |
| At my job everyone whispers. I can't stand it. I just can't believe there could be so much to gossip about. I noticed this when I first started a few months ago. People would walk up to each and start these conversations in whispers. What they hell are you whispering for? If anything that says something about your character and that you must be gossiping and speaking ill of someone else because why the whisper. People come up to me talking in whispers and I have no idea what they're saying. Now I'm the first to admit that many times my "inside" voice is guilty of being anything but so imagine me trying to lean in to hear an inaudible whisper. Usually I say in my normal voice "What? I can't hear you since you're whispering..." They're all taken aback. I mean this one guy was asking me about a meeting we had. Nothing special or worth whispering about. Are you so used to hiding your conversation or are you just trying to give the impression that what you're saying is so private? I like to be up front. Another co-worker was saying something to me and I had asked her three times what she said (I hate doing that) so from her facial expressions I understood that she was trying to tell me something funny but I think I think I laughed a little too loudly cause she gave me a bit of funny look. Speak up! My supervisor is ALWAYS whispering. We all sit in the same area, cubicles within feet of each other. There's five of us in that area and four of 3 of them have this little connection, always talking to each other, speaking in uninteligle whispers with the only understandable sounds being their loud laughter...yes clearly this is an atmosphere where one can trust there new co-workers and open up. Good thing we can listen to music. I get so into my music, its almost like when I'm caught up in a good book. I tune everything out but my work and find myself singing along. Well not really but almost. I'm on my second glass of wine right now, sort of light headed because I didn't really eat dinner (not my fault Dave came home got on the phone and well dinner never got made - another story) and once again I'm supposed to be doing some editing. I'm behind, at least by my count because eventhough we only need to do one kit a week I like to complete three. Um, yeah I'm still on one for the week. I like the sound of another glass of wine...I'll be right back |
| I'm so hot right now its hard to sit still and I'm not a restless person. The heat index was 105 degrees today and I think I got a tan from just looking out the window. Dave just left to go to a party with friends. I'm here trying to make extra money doing some editing that I can't seem to focus on. My mind is jumping from one thought to the next. I've decided to make this teleplay that I've been working on into a novel. This isn't the first time I thought of making it a novel but I've decided that I think it makes more sense this way - well not really makes more sense but it's easier for me to write all the details and observations that I'm feeling. I feel freer writing it as a novel. As a teleplay I was feeling really constricted. We'll see... I was thinking today how I retreat sometimes from others. Its not on purpose but I can get so caught up in my thoughts and whatnot that I draw into myself. I see that here on this site. I mean for a while I was writing so regularly and reading my favorite other blogs and journals and commenting and suddenly I pulled away. If I read my favorites I don't always make myself known and my writing became sporadic. That seems to be a personal theme of mine. I mean I realize that I have friends spread out around the country but many of us catch up only month to month. A friend of mine called me twice this week. Have I called her back? Uh uh - nope...not that I haven't thought of calling or wanted to know how she was but for whatever reasoning (maybe laziness) I just haven't done so. My usual excuse to everyone is that I'm bad at returning phone calls. I don't think I'll be getting much work done this evening which means that I'll be trying to cram in a lot of work this weekend - the elevator. You can pretty much usually here the elevator here in our building because its so old and one of the ones with the gate. Anyway its a four story building and I'm on the third. I almost always walk the stairs unless I have a ton of groceries and it really amazes me how many people use the elevator so often. I get a kick walking the stairs every time. I feel so in shape. Okay I'm corny - but I do! I congratulate myself every time. Hey these are the type of conversations I have in my head on a daily basis....call me crazy... p.s. once again I was mean to a catalog phone operator (my frustration had good merit) it wasn't her fault but I calmed myself down (though the issue remains to be resolved and I'm saving the next conversation for another day) but I really can't complain when I get calls from agitated people although I must say that I'm a pretty damn friendly operator. |
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