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2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| As is usual Dave and I had a conversation about something we don't agree on. Which I suppose is normal for people. Anyway on Saturday we babysat for a friend of mine. It was a blazing hot day, but we went out and had fun with the baby - she's 1 and is really starting to run and we had a nice time. Anyway towards the end of the day, we were coming back from a family thing for Dave's nephew and had just dropped the baby off and Dave was in my opinion overly worried about meeting up with some friends of his. Now the weekend before he was in Baltimore visiting these same friends (which was fine cause I needed the breather) but anyway one of them came up to Philly with their girlfriend. Dave thought we'd be hanging with them during the day but they had plans and wanted to link up in the evening. Anyway due to the family get together we weren't able to meet them as early as we'd planned and I felt like Dave was stressing too much. He was like I spent all day with you and Friday why are you trying to impede my time with my friends. First off are you doing me some kind of favor by having spent the day with me Friday and Saturday. Plus I didn't have a problem meeting up with his friends I was just saying that all this stressing over it wasn't necessary. So we met up with them and it was nice. The next day Dave came to talk to me, apologozing for the way he spoke to me the night before. We got into this conversation about sacrafice. He said he didn't feel appreciated. The fact that he spends time with me and then he has friends who want to hang out with him and I trip. I told him first off I've NEVER stopped you from hanging out with your friends - my only point last night was you were getting all hype and stressed out about meeting up with them and it wasn't that serious. Plus I shouldn't have to appreciate you spending time with me. What I mean is I'm not going to feel grateful and thankful if you spent the day with me. You should want to spend the day with me and its a mutual appreciation. He said he was happy to spend the day with me and wanted to spend the day with me and it wasn't a chore or anything but he went on to say that at times when his friends invite him places, a lot of times he won't go and he'll make a sacrafice and stay with me. I should appreciate that. My point is if someone invites me somewhere and I turn them down to hang out with Dave, Dave shouldn't have to feel extra appreciative because of that. I made the choice which means that I wanted to stay with Dave more that night. He can appreciate the fact that I made that decision but if we got into an argument that night I shouldn't say to him you should appreciate the fact that I sacraficed going to a party to be here with you. Are u serious? I told Dave, look if you want to go to a party go. I'm not taking it personal, I'll see you when you get back. Just don't stay home and then tell me I should appreciate you more because you didn't go to the party - especially if I didn't ask you to stay. Do I appreciate the fact that you're with me - yes in the sense that I viewed it as you staying with me because you wanted to more than you wanted to go to the party, but if that's not that case then go to the party - don't "sacrafice" something because you think you're doing me a favor. Are there times when I know Dave really wanted to do something with friends but he opted to spend the time with me, yes. And I appreciate that. Alng with times that I have specifically asked him to miss certain things, but for the most part my whole point is I don't think someone has to be extra grateful or thankful if their significant opts to spend time with them over friends or in general. There should be a mutual appreciation where the two of them appreciate time spent with each other. It should never be a chore. Now Dave was adamant that he didn't feel its a chore and he wants to spend time with me, but we still ended the conversation with different views on sacrafice. He feels that if he decides not to hang with friends that should be appreciated and it should be, but not because you made some big sacrafice (but because you wanted to stay) if that's the case go to the party and I'll see you when you get back. Maybe I'm crazy |
| I renewed my membership about five minutes ago. I waited until the absolute last second....$50 is a little high right now but its worth it. This basically means that its been a year on this site which is pretty amazing. I've written on this site more than ever this year, though it could be better as I've been writing more sporadically lately trying to make room for all of my other hustles on the side. I didn't go to the gym all last week and I feel extra lazy. Though I brought my gym bag in today, but this week is a serious heat wave, with Tuesday and Wednesday supposed to be over 102 degrees, its pretty depressing thinking about going to the gym to sweat in all that sweltering heat. We'll see. I'll be back in about an hour, I have a topic I want to discuss and I want to know if I'm the only one who sees things the way I do. |
| Okay I'm taking another quick break. I should mention that my neighbor wrote me back a nice note herself promising to be very conscious of her movements and commenting that she just left a similar situation where she was in my place. That should be a good thing where she has great understanding, but I'm starting to realize that you must feel a certain freedom when there is no one above you and it must be quite easy to forget that she was once in my shoes. Nevertheless I was just thinking that it would have been nice to get a couch potato living above me. Someone with absolutely no initiative, who worked during the day and came home to watch tv on the couch and then promptly went to bed no later than midnight. That would be lovely. Ineviably I end up with someone who seems quite nice though enjoying her top floor freedom and who unlucky for me works at home during the night. So said her letter which I suppose is meant to explain the late night movements I've been hearing. Okay I must return to being disciplined - SERIOUSLY! |
| Its so hard to work right now. The one thing I've always admired in my father and worked towards in my life is self-discipline. Growing up I learned that to be idle for too long means basically that you're being lazy and not taking any initiative. I have lots of initiative (and I just love using that word - I like the way it rolls off your tongue) but frankly I'm being lazy. In reality I worked for seven hours today on one editing kit. In the training they said when you first start it took many people 4-6 hours to finish a kit and being the competitive person that I am each time that I've started a kit I hope to do it within a certain time frame - but to no avail. I finally finished at around 5:00 which is when I allowed myself to eat (and eat I did) the leftover Chinese food from yesterday and watch a movie, which inevitably turned into two movies. The first being Finding Neverland which depicts Johnny Depp in exactly the way where one grows to love him forever. The story of Peter Pan has been told so many different, wonderful ways that you feel its been done too many times. But once again Peter Pan comes alive and beautifully acted out with Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet. It reminded me of how so many adults seem to lose their imagination the older they get. I remember growing up observing my parents whenever they were "teaching" us a lesson (which I'm sure was necessary) but I always wondered if they ever remembered the feelings you have as a child and then a teenager. Is it that easy to forget your innocence and naivete? As a kid I was always imagining myself to be so many different characters and reinventing myself every day. I love books because I'm so easily lost in them revelling in another world. A couple of weeks ago Dave and I were hanging with some friends when Dave heard about a Kappa party they were having near U Penn's campus. We had just been lounging at this chic place with comfortable lounging couches having some drinks but suddenly we all felt like dancing. Now I must admit we arrived at the party late but not late enough and it was still beginning to bud. It was at the Kappa house and just about all of the Kappas were hanging outside on the steps. Inside it was basically empty and suddenly I felt like an adult hanging with highschool kids. I mean there were only a few girls inside, beside the DJ, and boy did they look young. I mean, fresh faced, excited, laughing at nothing - things I still do - but looking incredibly young doing it. This year Dave and I both turned 26 and our friends are 31 and 28. I look and feel quite young but the very short time we spent at that party I sadly realized I'd reached the point of no return. Which is fine. Really. I look back at that night and can't believe I looked exactly the same way a few years ago. I look at my sister who at 19 stayed on the phone with her boyfriend almost all day and all night at the family reunion and when she wasn't on the phone she was discussing him with me and dragging me to the store with her to buy stationary to write him a letter which she hoped would get there before she got back. I see myself in her constantly and when she asks for my advice and I tell her what I think (and know cause I've been there) she doesn't want to hear it. I feel like I understand when I was 19 and 20 and older adults (older simply meaning my age that is) used to lie and say they were my age or refuse to see that 30 is on the horizon because some of us haven't lost our naivete and at times it can be quite surprising that we've matured so much. That said, I have no problem telling my age and I enjoy growing up and making my dreams come true - one of which was to never lose my imagination. There was another movie, but I think I'll save that for another time, its off to work for me and a renewed sense of discipline - thanks dad! |
| This weekend will be very relaxing. Dave went to Baltimore with some friends and I couldn't have been happier. I feel like its so hard for me to get here these days with so many extra hustles up my sleeves. I've been doing the call taking thing really hard these past few weekends as well as the editing that I'm doing on the side, that I feel like I have so much to do and so little time. On top of that I've been in the gym every day and I don't get home until about seven. But anywho last night I decided not to do any work and just chill out on the couch. I ordered chinese and watched on demand just enjoying my own company. Dave apologized for his behavior but I am nonetheless glad at his absence because it gives me time for myself and allows me to be able to welcome him back with open arms on Sunday evening. My new upstairs neighbor has been relatively quiet and then last night up until 3:00 a.m. she was walking extremely hard on the floor (she has no carpet yet) and dropping lots of things. I know she is still getting settled but why must we do these things at three in the morning. So this morning I wrote a very polite note welcoming her to the building and asking her to be more conscious of how she walks around and sets things down. For a while it seemed as though she was ignoring my note completely but for the past hour its been quiet. I'm having faith that this won't be a repeat of last time. Ok, I'm off to finish editing before I return to On Demand! |
| So its been between 99 and 100 for the past couple of days. I mean its been blazing HOT!!! Over the weekend Dave mentioned a trip to Dorney park which is like Magic Mountain. I've never been to this one and it sounded good mainly due to the waterpark they have and its being discounted to $20. So I said cool. This was all set up through one of his line brothers (he's a Kappa) who works downtown. We didn't get the money in on time so he told Dave since he and I both work downtown we could meet up and I could give it it him then. Not a problem.... So I roll out of bed this morning, waking up thinking the same exact thing (basically) that I think every morning - What the hell am I going to wear today? I need some new clothes? etc etc. I'm wracking my brain going through my clothes mentally trying to put an outfit together. I'm coming up blank. As I'm brushing my teeth and washing my face I think about this black dress my aunt gave me from her closet that's a bit retro because of how the bottom is constructed -which is too hard for me to explain, but its cute. I always feel its a little plain but whenever I wear it I get a lot of compliments but also many people think I'm dressed up. So I was considering the fact that I don't want to look too dressy (though I don't think the dress is dressy) and which shoes should I wear with it. At this point I'd basically made this my decision since I was running out of time and didn't have time to think of something else to wear which seems to take me forever. Everty time I tell myself to lay something out the night before boy do I get lazy! Its unbelievable esepcially since the rare times I have done that its saved me so much time. So anyway, I grab these shoes that I know are going to eventually hurt so I grab some black slides to put into my bag as well. Oh and I grab the dress and slip it on. I walk into the bedroom thinking about what jewelry I should pair it with and check myself out in the full length mirror. Dave immediately says "that's a sexy dress" or something like that with the word sexy and I reply that I need new clothes and I haven't worn a dress (since I haven't bought all the dresses I'd like yet for the summer) and this was the only one I really had. He then replied that I was biting off his head for giving me a compliment. So I relaxed a little though I thought he was being smart and I apologized. So we both continue getting ready for work and he leaves before me and I'm still grabbing last minute stuff for the gym, I haven't put on my earrings, I'm thinking about taking my lunch but realize I don't have time to get it ready ...its 8:06 and my train comes at 8:20. SO all of this is going through my head and the house phone rings and I know it must be Dave because its early and maybe he forgot something. He says, I forgot to give you the check to give to Kenny (his line brother I'm meeting to give the money to) and I'm like no problem I'll take care of it....THEN... I know you're going to get mad but it just dawned on my why you got defensive about the dress, you haven't worn a dress all summer and suddenly you're wearing a sexy dress today...and then I remembered you're going to meet Kenny and I knew.... I put the phone down. ARE U SERIOUS???!!! Is he crazy!!! Let me tell you I can hardly remember his line brothers names let alone their damn faces. I'm not really sure which one is Kenny to be honest, but attracted to. Unbelieveable. This man's insecurities are sooooo beyond me. So he finishes saying whatever because I stopped listening and then I said I had to go (its 8:13) and he's like well okay love you bye....I hung up. Love you, yeah okay that's love some insane jealousy that comes out of left field. He's called all day and I've erased every message without listening to it and if he wants to go to Dorney Park he can met Kenny himself and they can have a love fest together since one of us seems to be thinking an awful lot about Kenny - and clearly it isn't me! |
| I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finshed. I've learned that we are repsonsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place! I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taked from you too soon an all the less important ones just never go away. Not mine - but its circulated the Internet so you may have read it already. I thought it was funny with some truths in it. he he he |
| I just got back from the gym where I had a great workout. The humidity outside is KILLIN! (I meant to leave the g off)...he he he I'm gradually starting to like my hair...some days I like it other days I ponder over whether I really like it or not... I have some new freelance work as a copy editor and I'll soon be taking a copy editing to course to get sort of certified. I'm still struggle with the fact that I'm not much of a writer but I love the craft and all things to do with it and copyediting and proofreading is something I enjoy. Though when I do take the time to read and review on this site those who say they really do want constructive criticism don't know how to accept it. I'm really just rambling at this point. Making up things to say. I'd better go eat...I'm hungry |
| I recently finshed reading The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri. This book was meaningful to me because it follows the story of Gogol who goes through life disliking his name, along with having the responsibility of being the first generation American born Indian (his parents are from Calcutta)in his family. The story resonated with me because for years when I was much younger I disliked my middle name with a passion. I've always loved my first name which is just as different as my middle name but it took some time before I grew to accept my middle name which I now love. I have an African name that was given to me by my dad. He named me and my brother and sisters -all of us eight days after we were born. My first name origin is Yoruba and my middle name is Ibo. Whenever I come across African people (and I do often) many recognize my name and always ask where my parents are from. I seem to disappoint them when I tell them they are both from the states and no one in our family is African. They then want to know why we were given African names. My name means 'Honor has arrived with a blessing'. My middle name is Ngozi which specifically means 'A blessing'. I'm not sure why this name used to bother me so much. I literally hated it. At times I was caught up in its meaning and feeling like I had so much to live up to. People couldn't pronounce it (they still can't nor my first name) and I think, for me it was a lot to handle already with having a different first name. In The Namesake following Gogol through his life and seeing his thoughts about his name and his dislike for it really brought past memories of mine when I was in elementary school and I hated telling people my middle name. I remember when I met a girl when I was about 10 and she was the same and Ngozi was her first name. I recall being shocked. I couldn't believe she had that as her first name and I was secretly thrilled that it was only my middle name. As I grew older I'm not sure where the change came where I came to love my full name. It may be that people take the job of naming their children as a sort of game. Many of the names I hear today are just terrible. My mom personally knew twins named Orangejello and Lemonjello (pronounced oran-jello and lemon-jello). I kid you not - she taught them when she was a teacher. I think they need to have a name counselor in the hospital. In any case I take my name and its meaning very seriously and I appreciate the fact that my dad did as well and I work to live up to its meaning every day. |
| Okay I've been MIA for a minute BUT I was at my Family Reunion in Montgomery, AL. Yes I have family from the country and still living in the country (my dad's side) and of course I ended up having a slight country twang when I spoke but I'm back home now and the twang is gone. It was so dag on HOT down there and the humidity was KILLER! But I had a great time because I love being with my family and we had a blast. My mom wanted me to stay longer but no can do. Boy I like to visit but I could NEVER in my life live down there. But one thing is for sure the eating is GOOD! I have a couple more stories to tell but I have to come back later cause I am literally swamped at work and need to get back. But I'm happy to be back and can't wait to catch up on all of the reading I've missed. p.s. I told my sister about the site because she was looking for a place to read and write blogs but she wasn't feeling it. I hate when I LOVE something and I recommend it and the response back is luke warm. I told her I write a blog that I'm sure she would read, but not so sure I want to unlock that door just yet....we'll see |
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