Hello, Aaron Robb
I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review"
This is a good beginning scene to this mystery. It introduces the two main characters, and shows their relationship. Co-workers and friends, with hints of becoming more. At least with Mike.
The setting of a mysterious book is always good in fantasy, I think. It holds hidden secrets that are probably best left hidden.
I have a few suggestions on how to tighten this first revision and therefore increase the tension you need here.
“BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” The sound of her alarm clock gave Amber a rude awakening.
This is not a good opening line, honestly. It's hard to make a good opening hook out of a character wakening and getting ready for work. I suggest beginning farther down. Which means, take the opening out.
By 9.30am Amber was on her way out of the apartment. As she walked down the many flights of stairs she
The blue line is a better opening. It's clear she lives in an apartment. And that's probably all the readers will need to know.
The bolded line. Cut to avoid overtelling. The next line will show the stairs.
When she finally made it to the ground floor she spotted Mr Heckles checking his mail box. Mr Heckles was a quiet man who usually kept things
No-one ever seen Mr Heckles at night, he was only seen during the day.
Joining this area to the new opening will show the flights, and introduce her mysterious neighbor. His name and his only being seen during the day, reminds me of Jekel and Hyde. I believe he's going to be a major character.
As Amber walked along the bustling streets of New York, she stared at all of the glorious buildings that surrounded her. She felt like a lab rat, trapped in a confusing maze, trying desperately to get to the exit.
This is an excellent scene! She can be seen fully, and her feelings of boredom are felt.
ready for work. Mike, her co-worker, was already busy
Readers will assume he is a co-worker, so this bolded information is 'telling' the reader what they'll already know. If this is done too often, readers will get bored. Let them use their own abilities to figure some things out for themselves.
sorting out the returned books. “Hey Amber!” Mike said in a cheery voice. “Hi,” replied Amber, giving out a sigh. “What’s the matter?” asked Mike.
Always give each speaker their own private line in dialog. Separate with a space by hitting the enter key at the end of their speech and name tag. Like this:
sorting out the returned books. “Hey Amber!” Mike said in a cheery voice.
“Hi,” replied Amber, giving out a sigh.
“What’s the matter?” asked Mike.
When there are only two characters in a scene, the name tag doesn't ahve to appear after each line of dialog. Give it a few times, then it will be clear who's speaking. Here, --asked Mike--could be cut easily. It will tighten the line and the scene will move naturally by picking up the pace.
“I’ sorry sir,” she said, still
Only a typo of --I'm--
She then looked up from the screen, only to find that the man had already gone.
Try to write the line without the bolded words. Read it aloud and you'll see the meaning doesn't change at all, but the line will be much smoother. I noticed in the opening the word --then--was used several times, always in front of her actions. That will make the area read like a list, and lists are not interesting to read.
Cutting the --comma--after -screen--will also allow the words to flow better. It isn't needed there.
“Let me have a look,” said Mike, taking the book from Amber.
He gave the book back to Amber. Amber looked at the front of the book. The book had no cover,
Be aware of using the names too often. Use --He--She--once in a while.
--book back to her, and she looked at the front of it.
Combining two pieces of information in one line (sometimes) gives it a more pleasant rhythm. More comfortable.
Repeating too often, too close together, makes the work wordy and boring. The number one rule of writing is "Thou Shalt Not Be Boring!".
The first bolded --the book--can be taken out. The second is good. The line is short and sharp. It gives the scene mystery and here is where the sound of background music would rise.
The number 3000 was stuck onto the side.
Using the word --stuck--shows me the number was written on paper and glued onto the book. I'm not sure what I should see here. If it was glued on, then this is fine, because that's what I see.
books in the library. When they reached the back of the library they had made it to the number 2990.
book with the number 2999 on the side of it. But there was no empty space for the number 3000. “
Mike, who was staring at the side of the book shelf
Amber walked around to the side of the bookshelf to find a single gap. Amber examined the gap. Underneath the gap, Amber felt a small dent.
She slowly reached her arm into the gap and began to feel around.
This scene could use some rewriting for clarity. Aren't all the books on --the side--of shelves? Is he actually looking at the --end--?
The --gap--seems to be quite a large hole if she can stick her arm inside it. I wonder why they hadn't noticed it before since they work there.
What is --a dent--? Is it an area for a card identifying the books on that shelf? Can it be described clearer? This is an important scene and needs to be crystal clear.
Amber could feel a crumpled up piece of paper. She pulled out the piece of paper and flattened it out
She began to read what was on the paper out loud.
The repeating will interfere and slow down the read. Try to use any word or phrase as little as possible. Use other words to describe the same thing.
This is very close to becoming a 'list'. Like; --first she did this, then she did that-- Avoid lists. Cutting unnecessary words and changing others will smooth the lines. For instance:
--She ran her hand over it and began to read.--
The steps in between will be obvious to the readers.
Amber walked around to the side of the bookshelf to find a single gap. Amber examined the gap. Underneath the gap, Amber felt a small dent.
Read this aloud. Can you hear the list? Her name is used too much, and -the gap--is used too often. This could be cut way down, or even taken out. She could look at the gap and notice the dent underneath. The walking will be obvious since Mike called her.
Meet me at my apartment at 8pm.”
A good place to end the chapter!
The story is good. The man is mysterious and the found note begins the tension building. Going to an abandoned warehouse at night isn't smart, but it's believable. Readers are going to tense up there. That's the way to hook them!
Get into the habit of reading the work aloud, slowly. This will help you hear words that you don't really need, as they only slow the read down too much. Keep it moving, but keep it clear.
It's coming along well.
Oh! a couple more things that are very important.
Use the Brief Description for your advantage. Use it to hook your readers, make them curious to read. Use a good line from the work if you have to. For instance:
“I think you should take a look at this,” he said, staring at the bookshelf
It has a limited number of characters, so you can't use a long line.
Hit the enter key at the end of each paragraph to leave white space. The page will look neater, more professional, and it will be much easier to read; less tiring on the reader's eyes. Only good things comes with spaces.
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