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A new journal for a new beginning |
| I'm strangely hopeful. I guess that's nice for a change. |
| Got this from Dawn, who got it from Sweets. Really need the pick-me-up. [A is for age:] 28 [B is for beer of choice:] not a fan of any of them [C is for career:] I'm a lab rat in the medical research field *shrugs* [D is for favorite Drink:] Margaritas with lots of salt [E is for essential item you use everyday:] computer [F is for favorite song at the moment:] "Slow Cheetah" by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers [G is for favorite games:] Balderdash or Advanced Civilization [H is for hometown:] Virginia Beach [I is for instruments you play:] I played the flute in the school band (badly) [J is for favorite juice?] Odwalla's Superfood [K is for kids?:] None [L is for last kiss?:] It's been almost 10 years since my last, and it wasn't even good  [M is for marriage:] Maybe, possibly, with the right person. A BIG maybe. (I saw no reason to change Dawn's answer) [N is for nickname:] Bananas [O is for overnight hospital stays:] None, I'm lucky that way. [P is for phobias:] making costly mistakes [Q is for quote:] "All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle." --Francis of Assisi [R is for biggest regret:] not seeking treatment sooner [S is for self confidence:] not the best, but I'm working on it [T is for time you wake up:] 6-6:30am, I do like my snooze button. [U is for color underwear:] red satin hip huggers [V is for vegetable you love:] Anything but ocra and tomatos (which are technically fruits) [W is for worst habit:] second guessing myself [X is for x-rays you've had:] Just the one for the chiropractor; I did have a CT of my sinuses once. [Y is for yummy food you make:] Sweet potato cassarole at Thanksgiving [Z is for zodiac sign:] Pisces |
| I think I just royally pissed off my boss. The we just got our notice for our semi-annual inspection and I saw some major things that needed addressing. So I sent her an email laying it all out, and listing my ideas what I think we should do about it. She's out of town until Tuesday, but I wanted to let her know what I found as soon as could. I also made a statement I truly regret. "I really want to be honest with the inspectors, but in order to do that we have to address these things before the inspection." I was hoping that I sounded proactive (since the inspection is 3 weeks away), but I think I overdid it. I received a very short (in more ways than one) reply from her several hours later. Saying she wanted to meet with me first thing Tuesday morning (very early), and that she expected my partner and me to have our experiment done BY MONDAY. I wrote her back and told her that I was sorry that I didn't wait until she was back to talk to her about the inspection. And there it is, the Honeymoon is officially over. I'm in the doghouse for sounding like a bossy cow. I know it sounds silly, but I need a prayer or two to keep from freaking out. |
| I guess I was just "in the moment" for my last entry because I can't remember what I wrote. First off, I ran into a former boss (the one I whined about in "Overexposed" and the first entry of this blog) and we tied up some loose ends. A couple of months ago, right before I was to start at my current job, I ran into this man in the hall. He told me that my current boss was unsure about hiring me and had called him for a reference. Given our completely dysfunctional working relationship, I had not listed him as a reference, but I did have to list him in my employment history. Needless to say I felt betrayed by my current boss. Worse yet I wasn't able to here what my former boss had told her because I was in a rush to get somewhere. Here's how it went: "So where are you working now?" asks former boss. "How did you know I was changing jobs?" I reply, bewildered because I hadn't told anyone outside of my "circle" about the change. "She wasn't sure about hiring you so she called me to ask about you. Oh, wait, are you in a hurry? We can talk later." I know it was silly to be upset about it because I still got the job offer. I just hated the idea of this man taking credit for getting me a job. I hoped he was at least honest about me. More than a month later ("discovery day") I finally ran into him and got the rest of the story. "I told her that you were great when you were focused, but that she should not put you on more than one project at a time. I know how much you like to be nice and help, but you've got to look out for yourself. If you don't get your job done then only you will take the blame for it." he said sternly. This was sort of an eye-opener, I guess. I had actually offered to help with other projects in my current lab, but she emphatically told me, "no". Now I know why. I guess the hardest thing was admitting that I'm not the bestest tech in the world. Some techs are practically superhuman (my current lab manager being a perfect example), but I'm not one of them. I have to make peace with that and start putting my energy into other things, lest I burn out. I guess it seems obvious, but when you're there you just don't see that you are destroying yourself. That day, I decided to break that cycle. That isn't all of the entry (told you it was a long one), but I've got to get back to work for now. |
| I think I just came from the most elightening |
| I'm finally making a serious effort to clean my house. I took the airpurifier that's meant for the entire down stairs and turned on high in my bedroom so I could move things around and dust without fear of allergic reaction. It's weird, I know I should clean because I'm allergic to dust, but the process of dusting kicks it up and makes me feel even sicker. Leaving the dust just makes for a general feeling of unwellness, but at least I'm functional. The airpurifier (with it's newly replaced filter) worked well though so I think I found my solution. I'm breathing better all ready. I've got substantial discard pile going. I'll be doing a lot of paper shredding today too, but will probably wait until afternoon to avoid waking the neighbors and roommate. I'm also going to Lowes today to find weatherproofing for the windows. It has to be done within in the next month before the temperature drops below 50 degrees. This year I WILL have that window above my front door weatherproofed. It's inaccessable without a ladder, but it located right next to the main heating vent. Hurray for shitty insulation! The landlord's either going to give me a ladder or seal my window this year. That's that. I wouldn't call it an exciting entry, but I'll probably be satisfied with myself when the day is done. |
Stole this from Robert Waltz   's blog, but felt the need to give credit to the original source. Need to get coffee before I can complete this.  1. Would you rather be rich with no education, or educated with an average job? Why? 2. Do you really need to put the evil back in music? 3. Where do we go when we die? 4. Is there life on other planets? 5. Which dream have you had that disturbed you the most? 6. Do you have any psychic abilities? 7. Would you rather drown or burn alive? 8. Do you think gay marriage should be legal? Why/why not? 9. Are you very religious? 10. What's the strangest thing that you can crack on your body? 11. Would you rather freeze or burn? 12. If someone put a gun to your head and asked for something you didn't have, what would you do? 13. What do you think of girls who let their thongs show? 14. Does music really make you smarter? 15. Do you have deja vu? How frequently? 16. What band sounds terrible live? 17. Does your mental state really affect your health? 18. If you found out a family member of yours was gay, would your views change of the person? 19. Do people mistake medicine for magic? 20. Would you marry a billionaire who was eighty years old, even if you were twenty-five, just for money? 21. Does everyone have their "own problems"? 22. Have you ever laughed at something you knew you shouldn't? 23. Do people respect themselves anymore? 24. Is it true you have to love yourself to love someone else? 25. Would you rather be starved to death and alone or be kept in one place for years, but alive and well? 26. What instrument catches your attention in a band? 27. Don't you hate how everyone is into vintage, just because it's a fad? 28. And what about people who try to be random? 29. Do you think if you become/are a vegetarian, you would be saving an animal's life? 30. Would you wait for hours for a celebrity's autograph? 31. What's your favorite song to "rock out" to? . 32. What do you do to feel powerful? 33. What happens when you lose control? 34. What's something bad someone's said about you, that you realized was true? 35. Have you ever wanted to go somewhere so bad, that when you got there it didn't meet your expectations? . 36. If you had to get rid of one of your fingers, which one would it be? 37. What's your worst habit? 38. Do you believe in a higher power? 39. Is TV really all violence? 40. Is everyone out to "ruin your life"? 41. What's worse, stiff neck or charlie horse? |
| It seems that nothing, NOTHING can calm my nerves. I'm at the beach for pity's sake and I still feel those rushes of panic. I used to be so good at letting things go, positive visualization, blah, blah, blah. I had the most fantastic imagination as a child, complete with fairies and talking animals. It was such a critical coping mechanism for me because living with my family was like walking through a minefield. When I made a mistake I never knew if I'd be comforted or smacked across the face. I wish I could say things are different now, but it seems my parents' scary home has taken over the entire world. Nothing feels safe or stable. The answer to everything now is,"You're an adult! Deal with it!" Nothing has really changed except there is no longer an escape. |
| I'm lacking balance in my life is ia big way. It's seems no matter how much my luck changes for the better, I'm still afraid. I don't want to believe that this is because I have a chemical imbalance that needs correcting. I just got off my old meds 6 months ago. They we're helping anymore and, if anything, were wiping me out. It's just not normal to be able to sleep 14 hours a day and to need a minimum of 6 shots of espresso to function on the lowest levels. I thought my life would improve instantly, and it did... for a while. Then came more job insecurity back in May, the 4am pacing sessions, and the all-consuming, soul crushing fear that seems to shape itself to every situation I find myself in. I found a new job and got a raise. I found a decent roommate to split my living expenses with for the next year. I finally got a copy of my credit report and was surprised to find that my score wasn't that bad even with the bankruptcy. If I can hold out for 10 more months sharing my place and giving up my Saturdays at the coffee shop I should be able to have my credit card and car paid off (6 months early at that). My financial situation is finally improving. I finally have a plan, but I'm terribly restless waiting for it to play out. Even with the money issues in check, I still worry about everything else. "What if the girls in my new lab never like me? What if I can't find a church where the people don't think I'm a sex-obcessed redneck? What if I'm incapable of being in a romantic relationship? What I never build the life experience to be a good writer (because my life is damn boring right now)?" I suppose my answer would be, "I'll deal with it." I'm pretty good at just shutting everything out but the problem at hand. I just wish it didn't feel so damn souless. I can't lose it though, even for a moment. Even my breakdowns feel controlled. I guess I should consider this progress, since I've been worrying about money almost exclusively for years now. I'm branching out...finding new things to fret about. I guess I'm just tired of worrying, especially about the things I can't control, like people and what they think of me. It's sort of my natural state now. Will I always be this way? |
| I'm so tired I can barely type this. The closer my vacation the more tired I get. Must mean I really need it. Unfortunately, I get a call from my stepmother yesterday telling me that my grandmother has fallen down and is in the hospital. Bad news. She then tells me that there are no visible signs of injury, but they're keeping her for a couple of days, just to be safe. Good news. Then my sister calls me today to tell me that my grandmother has a swollen colon and an elevated white blood cell count, indicating infection. She says things aren't dire yet but the signed a DNR just in case. Bad news. I just got off the phone with my stepmother, who tells me that Granny looks good and that her WBC are down from 30000 to 29000 since they started antibiotics this morning. I have no idea what this means exactly so can't say if that's really good news or bad. "You and your sister shouldn't have to come down yet," my stepmother chirps, when I ask if I need to cancel the beach and meet up with them. What does she mean by "yet"? To make matters worse, I fell asleep at about 9'oclock last night and woke up around 7:30 in the morning, thus missing her 9:30pm and 7:00am calls. I probably come off as the uncaring granddaughter, but I have to admit that, since my grandmother has fallen 3 times in the past year and ended up in the hospital where they found either minor injuries or none at all, I have a hard time getting worked up about the news. It really only reaffirms my frustration that my father won't put my grandmother in assisted living nearby where she can be monitored constantly. I realize that she doesn't want it, but she lives 2 hours away so it's hard for us to get to her quickly. With my two jobs and recent life changes, I can only get down there every 4-6 weeks and my sister hasn't seen her in months. That means minor falls mean hospital stays. Ridiculous. He's her power of attorney and ignores all suggestions that could possibly make this situation easier for everyone, my grandmother included. He's a selfish ass, but what else is new. I just want to hide from that phone call that I have to leave the beach early to go to my grandmother's funeral. That would be just perfect. |
| Autumn is my favorite season. Unfortunately it's also the moldiest time of the year, and I'm allergic. This is especially problematic because the bottom floor of my apartment is partially underground; when it's raining outside it's reaking inside. I'm in the market for a dehumidifier, but the cheapest I can find for my purposes is $220. To make matters worse, it's time to replace the filters for my air purifiers. That will add up to about $260, but should hold me for another 4 years aside from the occasional carbon filter at $8 a piece. Allergies are just bloody expensive. I have talked to my roommate about adding him to the lease before I go to the beach. I want to be sure he's willing to commit for the year. If I can count on his half of the rent; I won't be so antsy about my allergy spending. *sigh* Will I always be this keyed up about money? |
| Arrrrgh! I just received a lovely new (or new-to-me, at least) computer from Waltz. I go to Staples to buy a wireless card that can fit into the USB drive because the computer does not have wireless capabilities. I'm directed to an inexpensive model that's supposed to recognize Windows XP, which I have. I go through the software installation and try to find the signal my roommate has been using. Long story short, I can't connect and "checking the parameters with my ISP provider" as the manual suggests isn't an option since the signal in question is poached from one of my neighbors. As long as my roommate is getting free service on his computer, it's not likely he'll want to split the cost of getting our own ISP account. Why the hell should I have to pay for that by myself? I can't afford $70/month plus installation any more than he could. I'm so frustrated. I am happy to have the machine though. I'll be able to type up things for work and do some writing. I'm disappointed by the continued access restriction to WDC, though. Oh well, as long as he's not home I can use his computer to get on this site. I can do my writing on MS word and save to a Memory stick on my computer and cut and paste into WDC on his. I hate feeling like I have to be prepared to vacate at any moment. *sigh* Maybe he'll at least help me find the signal. |
| Wow! Can it be true. I was chatting with a new friend last night and apparently she has an interest in Bellydancing. My dear friend, Kirsten, has been bellydancing for years and I have accompanied her to countless performances. I've always been intrigued by it, but I'm shy and don't want to do it by myself. I also don't want to be talking it with people who have so much more experience than I do. Too many cooks, you know? My new friend wants to start taking beginning bellydance starting at the end of September. Supposedly you have to be a member of the gym where the classes are taught, but Kirsten said could work out the access for us, or at least point us in the right direction. She thinks we should be able to just pay $12 a class instead of the $75 monthly membership fee. I hope she's right. My new friend is in a similar financial situation to me even though she's older than me. I feel for her, but it's kind of nice to be able to relate to someone on that level. I often feel isolated by my meager resources. But then most of my friends are older than me and have more years of experience in their chosen professions. I haven't worked my way up yet, so things are sort as they should be. I've always been mature for my age. As a kid I was always drawn to adults. Maybe I just like being the "little sister" since I had to take on the parenting role growning up. I feel out of my element when I'm around people my own age, but classes are a great way to meet people with similar interests, regardless of age. That may very well change. I'm also not a bad dancer on a casual/club level. I think I could be good at this. I won't be able to afford the pricey costumes just yet, but at least I know there's someone else in the same boat. The exercise will be good for me too. Kirsten has lost 30 pounds since she started dancing. Don't think I didn't notice that! I'm excited. If this works out it will be so much better than a stinking Biochemistry class! |
| Well, my new boss just gave me the go ahead to take a graduate class. After being eligible tuition benefits for 3 years I'm finally expanding my mind. It's a basic biochemistry class which I've never had, even though I've been doing molecular work for six years. Hopefully, my work experience will make this easier, especially since I'm giving up half of my September Beach vacation to do it. It would be nice to be able to think about what I'm doing instead on depending so heavily on my superiors. Getting it out of the way before I have a chance to show how much I don't know will save me the embarrassment I suffered in previous labs. Don't know what took me so long to do this. |
| Well...I started my new job yesterday. I can already tell the atmosphere is pretty intense and the dynamics are a bit complex. I hope I've made the right decision in coming here. I just have to remember that I got a 10% raise to come here and that my new boss is well established. The lab manager seems to be the most put-upon in the form of unreasonable requests, but stands up for herself. The other tech mentioned that the pressure could be nuts too though. I like that the staff seems to be supportive of one another. My biggest challenge will be to carve out my niche with the permanent employees without making a rift with the boss. I also have to remember not to freak out even as I get a crash course in brain anatomy. I'm still in the new person "honeymoon" period. I need to milk for all it's worth. |
| You know...I think I'm going to take a little break from my roommate search. I met with another potential roommate this morning, a 44 year old computer geek that will be moving to C-ville on June26th. He too had no interest in signing a lease, but felt the need to give me a list of things that I should address with the property management company and my current roommate alike. He insisted on seeing my Shane's room, even though I showed him mine, which is identical in size/arrangement. I hadn't warned Shane, and felt that it would be rude to allow a stranger to look in. Eventually I caved, thinking that it had only been 3weeks. How bad could it look? Of course, Shane's room was disgusting. "You should be sure he cleans that up. He should steam-clean the carpets, etc." says the prospective roommie. Indeed he should, but I don't think he will. At this point, I just want my keys back without incident. If you're not on the lease then you can't complain officially. This will sap my energy like nothing else. I think I'll be turning him down. I'll be able to afford to live solo with my raise in salary. I could use a break from this headache. |
| Holy Crap! I just got my official offer from HR today. I'm slated for a 10% raise. Factor in the fact that I'll be getting the 4% state mandated raise this coming January too, and you've got quite a lucrative arrangement. I'm still not out of the water finacially. The current grant is supposed to last until 2009, but it's already been renewed at least once at 5 years a pop! I'm going to be able to up my car payments and begin putting money into retirement. I also plan to have a Hell of an emergency fund come 2009 (as in 6 mos. salary, if I can swing it). I can't pretend that the grant not being renewed isn't a possibility, even if Dr. S- is an NIH darling. I might not be able to find another job in research at UVA if noone can match my salary. They don't let you opt for a salary decrease unless you drop a position level too. Screw that! If the grant isn't renewed then I'll have to relocate, most likely to The Research Triangle Park in NC. I'll be sure I have the funds to do it. I've been thinking about school again, vet school specifically. I don't know if it would be worth the investment financially, though. I'll certainly take classes to improve my knowledge in my current field, and that knowledge would be applicable to vet school even if the credits don't transfer. It's a tough thing to do on your own. I will be a couple of years before I'm in a position to think about it seriously. There's always the old stand-by, a Masters Degree that will allow me to teach at the Community College level. That might be the most doable in terms of going to school part time. I just want to be happy, I guess. Money doesn't buy happiness, but my money problems have made life pretty miserable these last few years. I'm not an ambitious person, per se, but I do like to be challeged. Provided I'm compensated accordingly. |
| Well, I was offered the job at Dr. S's lab and have put in my notice with my current boss. The last week of July, my tenure with this God-forsaken department will end. I have to say he took it very well...a little too well almost. He didn't seem that worried about it, and even said I could take some time off before starting my new job. I am also to teach my remaining lab mate the protocols and intricacies of my project. I feel pretty bad for her. She has here MD and just wants to study for her boards and get into a residency program in the U.S. I think her salary is even subsidized by the School of Medicine, to help her achieve that goal. Now she's got her project, our ousted labmate's project, and my project to deal with. I don't know how much studying she's going to get done by September (when her test is scheduled). I'll help as much as I can, but, the fact is, I had to do what was best for me. I have toyed with the idea of voicing my concerns to my boss but I think it's no longer my business. I hope she stands up for herself eventually. She's worked hard in the states. It would be sad for her not to have anything to show for it. |
| I just received an email from Dr. S saying that she was 99% sure that she wanted to hire me and that there were only a few things she had to do before she could make me an offer. Then she told me that, though she would still try to give me the final answer by this Friday, she might not be able to until June 26th. She's going to be out of town next week. GAAAAAHHHH!!! I just want this to be over. Now I have to wait another 10 days. I hate, hate, HATE university Human Resources and their stupid bureocratic asses!! I wrote her back and told her that I was pretty sure that my old boss wouldn't want to implant more animals until after July 4th, but that it would still be tight because animals have to be ordered a week in advance. She wrote me back and said she'd let me know by June 26th; sooner if possible. *sniff* I hate waiting *sniff, sniffle* -AER |
| It's a shame that my current boss is such a nice guy. Socially inept, but nice. He's always thanked me when I've done a good job. He's been especially complimentary lately. Yesterday, I was in a hurry and jammed a glass pipet into my hand while culturing cells. This involved a trip to Employee Health to report the accident and dig the broken glass out of my finger. Not only did this cause me to miss lab meeting, but I had to schedule a blood draw for today to test for HIV, HepB, HepC, etc. because I was working with human cells. It's a minimal risk, but those are the rules. My boss hasn't shown the slightest bit of irritation about it, and even sent an email asking if I was okay and telling me to do everything I had to do to fix the problem, even if it took me from the lab. I'm not that jazzed about starting over in a new lab. My current boss has been as attentive and understanding as a busy surgeon can be, but his patients will always come first. His approach has been a refreshing change from my old boss' micromanaging. If I quit, his lab my fold. I can't say for sure if that's going to happen anyway. I hate to make a fear based decision. Especially when I'm finally starting to make some progress on my project... It would be amazing to be the one who turns this all around... |
| That's for me. I've been in such a panic this last month. And I've voiced my fears over and over to various people, a number of them at the university. So stupid. I'll be fired for insuboridination if I'm not careful. My new chant: You don't need to talk about it now You don't need to talk about it now Just do your work and act natural Just do your work and act natural I hope the damage isn't already done. |
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