This is called "anticipatory grief" and it's a very real thing. It really sucks that the grief begins even before the loved one is actually lost. I'm so sorry for what your going through. Wish I could help, but this comment will have to do.
This reminds me of a news story in my neck of the woods in the last couple years about a guy who went trick-or-treating for the first time in his early 30s. He actually had lots of fun while going from house to house. I personally don't think there should be an age limit on trick-or-treating, myself. Social norms are bizarre things to try to change, though.
Thanks everyone. My wife appreciates all the cares and comments. Maybe I'll be able to convince her to come hang here with us rather than on Facebook with her mom.
I guess I should do an entry. It has been about six months since I did. A lot of s*** has been happening. Papa is very close to the end. Six months ago he was driving and paying his own rent and doing his own stuff. Yeah I'd help him out at the store and stuff but he was out and doing it. Now he isn't able to communicate. He doesn't leave his bed without help. He's on atavan and morphine on the regular. Not much else. He hasn't eaten in a few days. He isn't strong enough to poop anymore. They've had to give him enemas. He's in hospice in his apartment. He was supposed to get his pacemaker replaced in February. That didn't happen. That won't happen. Frankly, he's not going to live long enough for it to kill him. I'm not sure how I'm handling this. He's like my father. Except that he actually cares. He accepts me for me. He's never judged me. He's never talked down to me. He's never made me feel like I'm less than or not worthy of his time. I'm losing my father. I don't even know if losing my real dad is going to hurt this much. I've spent more time and had more honest conversations with Papa in the 16 years I've known him that I have with my dad and my entire life. He's reached out to me. He's treated me like a person. He's never torn me down. It hurts already. And he's not even gone yet. Except that he is. I have to go over to his apartment tomorrow to clean it up because he can't anymore. I'm going to have to see how bad he is doing in person. I've only been hearing about it for the last 2 weeks. I just I can't do this.
The 48-hour media prompt is the song from " The Nightmare Before Christmas."
This makes me feel conflicted. When I was growing up, Halloween was an absolutely no-go holiday. My father was born into a Jehovah's Witnesses family. They celebrated no holidays. He joined a nondenominational church with my mom, and he only grudgingly accepted Christmas and easter, but that was it. I was seventeen before I trick-or-treated the first time, and it wasn't as much fun as it would have been if I were younger.
I still worry about whether I am going to hell for carving a pumpkin or watching Halloween shows and movies like Nightmare Before Christmas.
Today has been a bad day. My mother-in-law did something inexcusable this morning. My wife has been in tears on and off all day. Basically, she sent my wife a reel on Facebook that ended with the following punchline, "Children are just cum you decided to keep as a pet. She sent this to her eldest daughter, my wife. My wife has always been insecure about whether her mother loved her, because her birth was not only unplanned but unexpected. That and definite neglect throughout the years. Personally, I would like to rip my mother-in-law a new butthole. But I am not because my wife begged me not to start something with her mother, and I am following her wishes. But that doesn't mean I didn't have to vent.
I have been having a bad time. September 2nd was the 14th anniversary of my mother's passing. With all of the ups and downs of the last few weeks, this anniversary is hitting me. I have barely been on WdC. I was 4 drabbles behind on the drabble challenge. I just didn't have it in me. I am doing a little better today.
Guess what! Friday is going to be a great day! Our ramp comes on Friday! That means my wife could go to the eye surgeon next week! Now she isn't sure she can handle getting outside again. (slamming head into door.)
I am waiting on a call from the woman who holds our mortgage. It seems she thinks my wife shouldn't wait a year to get her sight fixed. If she can pull the money out of one of her accounts, it looks like she is going to refinance. That means we could possibly have a ramp by the end of the month at the soonest.
Strangely this news threw my wife into a panic attack instead of a feeling of relief. It seems she is scared to leave the house again because the last time wasn't any fun. And she is looking forward to surgery when she goes.
I am depressed. It looks like the waiting list for help with the ramp is a year or more long, and we are at the end. My wife will most likely be completely blind by then. I got an estimate from a handiman for 3500 for a ramp. I am ready to try refinancing my mortgage and just paying for that ramp. If I can convince the woman who holds our mortgage.
Today was a pretty good day, even though my wife had a hard time with things this morning. She is scared that she will go completely blind before we can get her in for her surgeries. I am doing everything I can to get the ramp put in, but at times like that, it just doesn't feel like I am doing enough.
un: 
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