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Blog started in Jan 2005: 1st entries for Write in Every Genre. Then the REAL ME begins |
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It Hurts When I Stop Talking Sometime in Fall of 1998, when a visit from Dad was infrequent, and primarily at the mercy of his 88 Toyota making the 50 mile journey, I was being treated to lunch. The restaurant was my choice, I think. Sisley Italian Kitchen at the Town Center mall was somewhere my dad had not yet tried, so that was my pick. Either I was being treated to the luxury of lunch and adult conversation without my husband and 5 year old son in tow, or that's just how the moment has lodged in my memory. The more I think about it, they probably were there, but enjoying the Italian food too much to bother interrupting. Daddy and his lady friend at the time, Anne, came up together and made a day of it with me and the family. We were eating together and talking about some of my scripts, stories, coverages, poems and other creative attempts that really were not seeing the light of day. I think I'd just finished a group reading of The Artist's Way and was in a terribly frenetic mood over my writing. I think I'd just given them an entire rundown on a speculative Star Trek script. My Dad asked me point blank, “Why don’t you write it?? Anne agreed. It sure sounded like I wanted to write it. Why wasn't I writing seriously? It's what I'd set out to do when earning my college degree in Broadcasting many years earlier. Heck, I should, I agreed non-verbally. “I will.” But, I didn’t. Blogs can be wild, unpredictable storehouses of moments, tangents, creative dervishes, if you will. I'm getting a firmer handle on my creative cycle. My mental compost heap (which is a catch phrase from Natalie Goldman or Julia Cameron - I can't think which, right now) finally seems to be allowing a fairly regular seepage of by-products. That may be a gross analogy, but I give myself credit to categorize my work in raw terms. It proves that I'm not so much the procrastinating perfectionist that I once was. Still, I always seem to need prompts and motivation. Being a self-starter is the next step. My attempt to keep up in the Write in Every Genre Contest at the beginning of the year seemed like a perfect point to launch the blog. |
| I was invited to return to my college, California State University Northridge, to witness the Student Recognition awards being given out this year. Twenty years ago, I was one of the recipients.It included scholarship money donated by a community or campus organization. I recall mine being presented by the Panhellenic Council. While I was not a member of a sorority, I was still happy about receiving my recognition from the active college sisters. I felt that my drive to succeed and nearly taking enough Women's Studies courses to be minoring in it, that we were idealogically connected at the least. I should be clear, the awards are given annually by the University's Center on Disabilities. I can tell, the support provided by this administrative service department of such a hugely diverse Southern California university has grown. The depth of feeling that students feel for its staff - that they would often call its greatest power, Love - makes the Center on Disabilities more than just an office on campus serving accessibility needs. More later.... |
| I always get a little giddy after watching a film that presented all the right elements for me. The film is Dan in Real Life with Steve Carell. The film was one I anticipated seeing in when it debuted in theaters last year, but I've only gotten around to seeing now that it's been out on DVD for four to six weeks. In retrospect, it reminded me of Same Time, Next Year, a film from 1978 featuring Alan Alda and Ellen Burstyn. Maybe because I've seen this, and can draw parallels to many of the comedic crossed-loves of Shakespeare, much of the plot seemed predictable. Yet, the efforts of of Steve Carell and all the supporting cast are what drive the story. And it's strangely entertaining to be drawn into the warm familiarity of an "everyman's" homecoming/get-away and all the kookiness of what transpires when extended family gather without some big event or holiday to frame all the emotions. |
| I've about had it with "short" meetings at work in which all the talk resolves no issue solidly. Such lovefests, fishing for best practices just pull me away from my desk for an hour or more. And then, "Suck it up," is not quite the response I was thinking would be at the forefront of the group discussion after I'd privately told my supervisor that the week's workload had me overwhelmed. Well, it wasn't that cut and dry, in truth. One person expressed it, and after I got slightly emotional, the back up was to support how much crap others before me had gone through. Sorry, I am not interchangeable with others that have somehow endured under similar pressures. But am I unsuited for the job, or after several successive changes in the past six months, am I just in a state of confusion? I've worried that this mirrors the performance slump that once got me fired when I worked a job with a mounting caseload. The thing I realize now that I didn't notice then, is that I do the right thing. And I catch things others disregard. Whether it's beneficial to me or not, what I notice the most is that I get procedural in a fixed kind of way. I'm not old, but it's harder to keep things straight in a mind crammed full of so much information. I guess that part of my difficulty is that I get good at streamlining tasks, and then the company up and moves the whole department! And that's what my week's been like, trying to be responsive, when I'm outwardly suffering, and lost in my own surroundings. |
| I am bent on aiding other people's creative endeavors. This is where I get into trouble surfing the web. I start out innocently enough, simply looking up some song lyrics so one of my children can try-out for a talent show. That gets me all nostalgic for Eighties albums and a few soundtracks. I'm struggling with the speed on someone's video which is from You Tube, but linked through AOL, or something. My son, thinking he's being helpful, states that I can view it better while actually on You Tube. I have to wrap my head around this. Like My Space, I'm not so sure You Tube is a place I want to venture into. I really am showing my age, I think, so I take my teenager's advice. I am no longer looking up song lyrics, and it's several hours since that child was sent off to bed. I am finding music videos and tribute videos, even one I think is worthy to share with my Tolkien fans here on Writing.com http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRTO3GGS-Ic Now, wasn't I supposed to be writing something? |
| I particularly liked a simple paragraph from the final version of my paper. I thought I'd place it here too: My family is important to me. I believe that I help my family live an idea: “No man is an island.” The Englishman, John Donne, made a sermon in the 16th Century on that statement, meaning we are not alone at our beginnings, nor our endings; all that we share in-between is seen and noted, because our existence relates to others. From this, I take several things into action. 1) My existence alone is important, it impacts others. 2) Sharing one’s own capabilities with others is all part of how our lives remain of special note. 3) The idea of being alone or studying in a solitary fashion is only on a physical plane; God is the presence with one always. |
| This week had an early evening lunar eclipse. I noticed I had put the last one in my blog. Since the next full lunar eclipse will not happen here until December 2010, I thought it was important to note that I watched this one too. I even ran across the street to tell my ninety-year old neighbor to come take a look. Best line from Tin Man (2007) "You know you really should do something about that BITTER cynicism of yours Cain." |
| I have several papers to have complete by the beginning of the week. I admit to not doing heavy research, but I do feel it all has involved deep contemplation. The matter of having put so little of it to paper, however, is a sore point. I have this habit of getting caught up in day-to-day matters. There are "more important things" which often get pushed aside. Truly I lose all perspective on good prioritizing. I even allow my life to be stalled by my being bothered about simple things being left undone around the house. And, after a while, I am driven to (or obsessively) cleaning! I'm not bothered much by the mannerly ways of being which would have me always presenting my family in their best clothes, putting a proper step forward in this area either. So, what's happening here? The challenge is to improve myself, right? Will I actually gain a better handle on my use of time -- yet is that the mechanism that is broken at all? One paper is on my healing through spiritual principles. A second, shorter, thought paper is on What it means to be One. The last is my most recent experience presenting a situation to an already licensed practitioner. This last one just needs to be taken from note form - I already have my thoughts on that one hashed out. I have a process to work through, so, before I go to bed, I think that I will write this out as a process. I want to capture the essence of my situation in briefly describing it. 1) I have once again put myself up against a wall - procrastination and perfectionism are the boulders that so often block my path to easy success. I say, "easy," because without these blocks, it is truly a matter of writing; that's it. I feel rushed rather than informed. This makes me feel like a slacker, not a methodical student dedicated to learning and growing in Faith, nor likely to come off as informative. 2) I hope that I can depend on spiritual inspiration -- perhaps this is part of the procrastination making it a habit which is addictive. So, knowing this, my hope instead, should be that I can count on my enthusiasm to get me started earlier on programs and projects. 3) Enthused, it's a strange word, but I think it is the word I need to take to heart 4)My fear-based image of the worst outcome on these projects is failure through in-action. What if it can't be completed? What if it's all made-up lies? Anger at myself is the beast behind this fear. 5) "Giving up" is the negative belief I may have held, and to too great a degree, perhaps releasing to or magically trusting to a Higher Power to "DO" work I have not "DONE" and expect it to easily come out of my mouth/or through my hands without struggle 6) I'm telling the world from my little blog pulpit, so that I can accept responsibility for my work and know that what I do ultimately create DOES have the essence of God that I trust so fully in. It just needs a slight perception correction to make it flow well. |
| There are days I must turn God eyes on my life. Lately I have felt weighted by financial burdens. I know so many are strained by the need to keep up the typical materialistic lifestyle. Yet, I have been exposing the core of my problems, and I find that money has little import.The real issue has bubbled up in the out-of-proportion responsibility I place on myself to be the solution to all that comes and goes through my pocketbook. I have gone so far today as to read my dissatisfaction as a failure to be enough, to do enough to avert common money pitfalls. I allow myself in this thought to live, not only apart from God, but in a belief that I am not enough. It strangles me with anxiety at work. It squeezes out pus-like flashes of anger when I am simply frustrated by my lack of control over my own affairs. I demand expediency and perfection from myself and others out of the resulting fear that others too will think less of me if I cannot keep up in all ways. And when I am overwhelmed, I wish only a moment of relief and an experience of felt joy. I came close today when I caught the eyes of my dog. He too expected only joy, and this, because of his mindset and oneness with God that comes forth without question. I learned I can also hope to see with the eyes of my dog. |
| I am gladly and solemnly using words with a friend to see a healthy shining soul once again on-line. "Heal thy self" is one of the statements in the English language I like to use. It has a little twist to it, that I'm not sure many people take note of. "Heal" and "thy" create the word Healthy. Sometimes, when I am pushing my view too hard in an area where the other person is clearly capable of recovery without my yaking nonsense at them, I say it more for myself than for the other person, anyway. In that recognition, I am seeing the "Healthy self" that person is by Divine right. It also reminds me that situations are neutral, and I have something to heal in that area too if their plight is resonating with my soul. |
| Time to re-invent. Time to be present. Time to stop living in the past. I've held on to the same signature here for four, going on five years. Tonight, I decided to change it. As a writer, I cannot canonize my own words, I have come to believe it is part of what stops me and holds me fast. It is a belief structure that I set up as soon as I think something is written and cannot change. Let others read and proclaim concepts or characters beloved. My signature, for now, honors the best laugh I got out of television all year. |
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