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Blog started in Jan 2005: 1st entries for Write in Every Genre. Then the REAL ME begins |
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It Hurts When I Stop Talking Sometime in Fall of 1998, when a visit from Dad was infrequent, and primarily at the mercy of his 88 Toyota making the 50 mile journey, I was being treated to lunch. The restaurant was my choice, I think. Sisley Italian Kitchen at the Town Center mall was somewhere my dad had not yet tried, so that was my pick. Either I was being treated to the luxury of lunch and adult conversation without my husband and 5 year old son in tow, or that's just how the moment has lodged in my memory. The more I think about it, they probably were there, but enjoying the Italian food too much to bother interrupting. Daddy and his lady friend at the time, Anne, came up together and made a day of it with me and the family. We were eating together and talking about some of my scripts, stories, coverages, poems and other creative attempts that really were not seeing the light of day. I think I'd just finished a group reading of The Artist's Way and was in a terribly frenetic mood over my writing. I think I'd just given them an entire rundown on a speculative Star Trek script. My Dad asked me point blank, “Why don’t you write it?? Anne agreed. It sure sounded like I wanted to write it. Why wasn't I writing seriously? It's what I'd set out to do when earning my college degree in Broadcasting many years earlier. Heck, I should, I agreed non-verbally. “I will.” But, I didn’t. Blogs can be wild, unpredictable storehouses of moments, tangents, creative dervishes, if you will. I'm getting a firmer handle on my creative cycle. My mental compost heap (which is a catch phrase from Natalie Goldman or Julia Cameron - I can't think which, right now) finally seems to be allowing a fairly regular seepage of by-products. That may be a gross analogy, but I give myself credit to categorize my work in raw terms. It proves that I'm not so much the procrastinating perfectionist that I once was. Still, I always seem to need prompts and motivation. Being a self-starter is the next step. My attempt to keep up in the Write in Every Genre Contest at the beginning of the year seemed like a perfect point to launch the blog. |
| It's comforting to overhear people my age, or even younger, state, "I used to have a great memory. I don't know what happened, but my memory isn't what it used to be." Something in me calms down. See, getting older and losing touch with some of your mental capacity is okay; it's natural. How perfect is it that Paul McCartney's newest album is called, "Memory Banks Almost Full?" What we cram into our memory banks, now that, THAT'S WHAT'S UNNATURAL! While I barrage my own psyche with that thought several times a week, I do have other discomforts that supercede that dread at times. I think my body has a fantastic memory. Not that body memory is such a great thing. [I suppose that can still be changed, if I'll change my habits.] I have now determined that my ankle pain which was mostly alleviated with five - six weeks of physical therapy can be back to painful assertion after three weeks not being in physical therapy. [Okay, this past weekend, taking that odd step off someone's patio and catching myself probably contributed as well.] This painful presence in my feet, even upon waking, is what makes me come up with off-the-wall titles like this blog entry's title today. |
| It seems like I had some happy, profound topic to put in the ol' blog, when I was thinking about it first thing this morning. Now I'm at the end of the day, feeling wiped. It was slow at work, but I kept going around and around with errands and trying to get dinner on the table. I've got tears just under the surface. I probably have gone obsessive over figuring out the finances. I think I remember now what was carried over from some relaxing reading last night — Spells for Success — was a quick read that showed me that the idea of spells (as documented in this 1996 book by a business consultant) is very grounded in the same concepts of intention and using the word to bring about good in one's experience |
| I haven't taken the time to look back a day or two to see if I already talked about this, or not. I have made a minor breakthrough in my personal understanding of success and abundance. I believe it is one of the areas in my life requiring the most understanding for me to be happy; healing, as it were. My insight came from a brief look into the inner workings of Wikipedia. I could happily read and edit and add to a site that works for the benefit of all (All, only limited in definition to be any capable of access to a computer). I give freely to the world by making blood donations, by spending time with children learning to read, by being a safe, alert driver. One gives what one can. I can want money, think it is the solution to my struggles, but that doesn't mean that it actually is the solution suited to me. I realize that I'm not driven by money. I still think I'd like to have it, but what of a world...a world that I could truly embrace, in which no one had to have money. The things people did for others (like on Wikipedia) did not extort nor crave money. I realize that even this way of stating it is idealizing the truth, but it is my truth that I bring forward from myself and the reflection of my experiences related to money. Follow Walkinbird When the final light is extinguished – Recognize the next available Source in the darkness ** Image ID #897589 Unavailable **  |
| Okay, first, I had to be sure that I was spelling that word correctly. Persevere: to persist in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement. My long-standing friend, Kath moves out of state in about four days. I can honestly say that I do not recall a time when our friendship was ever met with opposition or discouragement from our families. We were and are the kind of friends that each of our families accepted as part of "their own." That's probably the most natural way that a friendship perseveres. That part about "counterinfluences" that's probably where the meat of our history could be explored. I didn't want to spend this time "counting the ways" as far as that's concerned. How to say goodbye? Well, first I have to show up. And I suppose being on time is important (it's an issue at times), but I should be okay. I plan on dropping by in the next day or two, not the eleventh hour of Day Four! |
| I get a thrill out of searching the internet. I would not expect that the sites and pages I get caught up in work quite the magic they do on me. I don't need to bring along a dose of Cialis for the things I locate, neither, so don't go there! Wikipedia, and its founding agency, Wiki Media, fascinates me. Perhaps the driving force is my few years as a proofreader, professionally, and my general nosiness that makes me itch to see and correct other people's stuff. I am joyous over the idea that people create articles, books, entries (of both minimal and copious size) that I can skim, pick up a few tips from, or EDIT. I may be going out on the limb just North of wacky for some, but I think the concept of Wiki heralds an era of cooperation that is a first step to a better world. The other think I seem to enjoy a little too much is searching job listings. My husband has his Computer Science degree now, and I like imagining him with a really great job. When I don't have a job, I like searching. When I do have a job, I've also been known to search. Indeed is a job site search engine that's addictive. I feel like there's so many jobs. It's like being on writers sites and being blown away by all the writers. People will tell you that "it's bad job market" or that you can't "make it" as a writer, but people love to declare being one. |
| And the sound, "Blam," echoes through the blogosphere. Once again, I've left myself only a number of minutes to enter in my blog to stay consecutive. So, was that the imaginary starter's gun for my timed entry, or the sudden ending to a dramatic scene? It's the TV of course. Just got caught up in the Act One rising action of Robert Redford and James Gandolfini in The Last Castle. Mmm, a fine piece of drama. It would pair up nicely with Sawshank Redemption. The strong face of Redford, a just incarcerated general, is showing more than a little concern; it's caged dismay. The fistfight happening before him is disintegrating. His battle-hardened, yet comrade-honoring eyes bewildered as the order in the military prison spirals into chaos. The general in charge (Gandolfini) looks on with no compunction. |
| I have to admit that yesterday's entry was not as complete as it might have been. This one will be even less cohesive, because I mostly want to say I wrote in the blog today. I was depressed today. It felt related to my son's graduation, and perhaps my not feeling ready for him to be growing even a little bit more apart (natural as that is) from Mommy. I was able to pull myself up by focusing on a desire to be better focused and serene. I wrote myself an affirmation and a treatment. It did help me to not drift too much at work. I was noted for my off-the-cuff humor by one of my co-workers, so by later in the day, I must have been doing better. I also showed my geekdom off to the new hire. He was pin-pointing the running sequence as being in the first Lord of the Rings film. I couldn't help but point out that that was actually the second film in the series. |
| In an effort to be prepared, it was back in January that I scheduled this day off from work. My son's promotion ceremony was on the school district calendar for this day, but no details, at the time, of where, when, how long such a ceremony would be. You would think I could have accomplished a little housework while both children were at school. Of course, There's a monkey wrench in any day when the school schedule is off the norm. I think I've learned quite a bit about myself, my family, and each individual member in just the few hours of semi-crisis that a "take the day off so you're not stressing" day off this has been. |
| One of the joys of Father's Day is witnessing the enjoyment of men actually putting attention on receiving attention. I do not mean that I see more vanity in men. The is a pride that most usually keep reserved. It seems a shame to conjecture that Society has molded the male population into a belief that they need to be so reserved as to hide the natural pride of fatherhood. Maybe it is just the company my husband and I keep? I know it took some proding-style mentoring from my grandmother to alert me to my own dry personality; i.e., lack of bragging skill and doting-on my own kids' accomplishments that includes keeping a voluminous supply of photos to show off. I do think I've improved, yet, she was never in my head on this one; I'm still not in sync with the idea fully. I've grown up in a different age than she did. And the Internet, being what it is, has certainly shaped my boundaries where sharing about my children is concerned. This wasn't meant to be about me, however, all hail happy dads; happy to be dads not just on a day of recognition, but on all days their "dadness" is called upon. |
| I have had much evidence this week that even when I think things are limited, they certainly are not. Sometimes I just slip to that place where it feels like there's a climb ahead in order to keep my Ideals high. Partly of my own making, the week had to stretch out before us with a negligible amount of available money. I wanted to let it happen with out (much) worry. I wanted to see if it was something that could be endured by the household. I actually felt kitchen creativity like I haven't in a long time. I also felt more willing to be the meal-maker. The funny thing is, the nearly empty frig looks so full now, at the end of the week, as small portions of leftovers populate it. This is one visible manifestation of what I noticed. Saturday, I also allowed myself the freedom to explore along with my daughter. She's been great getting to know neighbors, and I just went along for the ride today. On a day when I really thought I couldn't go anywhere (the gas tank is so low, I can only rely on a fill-up once I meet up with my father at church on Sunday.) By riding along with our generous neighbor, I spent an hour at the beach. And at a time that I've bemoaned losing two important contcts in my life to impending out-of-state moves, I feel I've made a new friend today. I sent out an email to another friend and only refer to it in my entry title, because I wonder where my reply is, but I'm not going to get neurotic over it. While spending my relazing day with the girls today, I read an article about the Japanese actress in the movie Babel. I realize that now I have to go rent it; she played a deaf character. That's a linchpin issue of the movie's communication theme, and it intrigues me very much. |
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