A nice therapeutic poem to get rid of some of your worst fears!
What I like the most are some combinations of words, such as: "I can’t stand this friction, living
In fiction, that is my reality."
"Snakes slither, their skin
Brushing against me, it’s not safe"
good alliteration here.
I would only suggest
- Not to repeat "it's not safe", express this in a new way towards the end instead.
- "Strange thoughts skitter
Around in " not to separate the verb from its preposition here. It doesn't add anything.
You defined this as "Just a random poem", but this is better than just a random piece!
This is such a heartfelt poem about the rivers, a land, the people, their culture. The rivers are the symbol - and so much more than the symbol -
of a whole world that you describe with love and respect.
The most interesting quality of this poem is the way you play with the rivers' names and their sounds. They are beautifully cascading, refreshing the reader and speaking to their senses.
"To four Native American Indian Tribes described in this poem."
I don't think you need to add "described in this poem". It breaks the total immersion of the reader, reminding them that they are "only" reading". You could say "that live there", for instance.
I'm glad I came across this older story on the public review page.
I simply think it's excellent. Every bit of information is delivered at exactly the right moment. Wonderful construction and ideal length for this kind of story.
The reader can see the simple "horror" story, but to me, the psychological content is very strong and thought-provoking. The power of words - "monster" in this case - is absolutely decisive.
Although common tragedies and their equally tragic consequences are not always as spectacular as in your short story, I think that many readers have felt how a simple word could stay with them forever.
This is a nice description, some kind of character study. On a psychological level, it's very precise.
There are many beautiful sentences, like this one: "I look in corners for an answer I will agree on tomorrow but I tend to see differently the next day."
This could be integrated in a larger item, in my opinion.
A different perspective for a poem that describes the special someone, and the relationship appears through this description.
I don't normally care for poems that are entirely made of questions, but it does work here. Mainly because you constructed this as a game - as you reveal in the end - and there is a real progression throughout the item.
One line that sounds a little strange and breaks the flow and coherence is: "Does everybody else see the same beauty in you as I do?
Where does this "everybody" come from all of a sudden, after all the "you" and "me"? And in such a long line...
(Just an opinion, of course).
Overall, a good piece, original, with an athmosphere.
This poem impresses the reader with its energy. It is almost like an army inside you that is marching. An analysis and a mantra put together.
The manifesto of your thoughts and decisions is good and this poem is like showing another side of you.
The last line, I'm not so sure of... I have the feeling that you said it all. I would leave it to the reader to draw the conclusion, which, to me, is pretty clear because, well, you made it clear throughout the poem.
This is definitely another aspect of you, more on the "warrior" side, fighting to become a better person - sometimes too harsh on yourself, probably - and it would be interesting to see more of this side too.
And maybe...who knows, blend the two?
Very interesting and daring poem. It is the originality of the metaphor and the way you convey the message by creating contrasts between an inner voice that shows regret and the stillness of the situation.
I think that the second stanza is not very well worded, although I understand what you mean. It is really worth re-editing it to make the message clearer because your poem deserves it.
This is truly pleasant and evocative. I think that this poem is another example of your style and personal voice.
There is something soothing and intimate in the way you address the reader. With your love for shorter poems, I think that you made a good choice: adopting this form - the etheree-poem - has worked out very nicely for this particular content.
Like the shape on the screen or page, the memory grows from one small detail to the next until revealing a whole thought, the path of memory.
Interesting short poem entirely based on a comparison.
I could imagine the two examples given, although I do not really understand th line - which is a little too long - that explains how "he sinner" is made whole.
I do understand and like the image of "the saint" described as someone who knows. He or she has the gift of awareness that gives to the other gifts their full meaning.
Personally, I understand this more metaphorically than literally, but that's my interpretation.
I have the impression that wit very little changes this could become a clearer poem.
The title really caught my attention and I read the whole poem enjoying the oblique way you use to express moments and feelings. And in the same way, the relation to the title can be found/understood in different places.
I like this in: "But sometimes it is just silence
Pierced, every few seconds, by needles of slight, sharp breath"
where the imagery is also very striking.
I think that maybe a little something could be done to be improve the flow of the poem and, even more important, the rhythm.
- The flashing on and off of an alarm, music followed by silence, "needles of sharp breath", all involve a sense of periodicity and could be reflected a little more in the form. -
I hope you don't mind my comments. Overall I really enjoyed this poem and its original way to convey images and emotions.
Interesting question. It seems that for some reason you were afraid to ask it and felt the need to explain yourself in the introduction.
Good options, but there may be one missing. I think that you didn't even consider the possibility that "the girlfriend" might actually like/share or encourage this activity. It's actually the only option that you did not mention.
This is an original idea, I like how you look at animals, that cannot speak like humans, living in a world with no words.
You use this example to show us that words can hurt and that affection can be given without the use of language. You are right, although words can also heal and be used to express subtle thoughts.
- This is precisely what you are doing when writing a poem: using
language to share your emotions.! -
Your poem is clear, although I'd change : " Their lack of speech,
tells us,
to have patience of speech,"
into:
" Their lack of speech,
tells us,
to be patient when we speak,"
This is simply a suggestion, I hope you don't mind it.
You are right in your description; this is a "fun poem". The idea is actually very original and there is something fresh and unique in the way your little "story" is told.
I quite like it. My only suggestion would be to extend it a little, give the reader a little more to trigger the imagination. Not too much, because this is meant to be short, but just that little detail, the extra line that's missing. Just my opinion.
This is a poem that sounds very much like a prayer. The general athmosphere and the feeling of loneliness are clearly expressed.
Some clichés could be avoided so that your poem becomes more personal and unique. An example: " I hunger for love's warm embrace."
a warm embrace is a very common phrase, why not turn it into your own
by finding a new adjective, more precise, instead of warm?
"I can no longer" is repeated; I think you could avoid the repetition here.
Overall, a nice effort that would deserve some re-editing. I hope you don't mind my opinion.
This is an excellent piece that illustrates very effective and with the use of an interesting metaphor, a thought that I share with you entirely.
I don't see anything that should be changed and the last four lines are very good indeed.
The only thing that does not really correspond to the poem is your item description, in my opinion.
"Correlation between humans and natures creations".
(nature's)
Why creations? I see this as a metaphor that uses nature to draw a philosophical conclusion. Just my opinion.
Lovely imagery, dreamlike in a poem that is written with good attention to detail.
I am not a fan of poetry that rhymes, although I'm open to different styles and forms.
The form in this case fits the content. There is something in the way the scene is depicted that makes me think of a miniature.
I also see the metaphor of the adventures of youth, life's journey. The end, though very smoothe and reassuring, made me wonder... Are they longing to come back home or find a new home? Two different interpretations.
Very good poem! I can find your personal voice and style immediately and this particular piece is a very good example.
It's short, powerful, but in a quiet way.
You create an image, an action that it is very easy to visualize, giving the right details: "Tiny strands of blackened rubber
lay scattered on the paper."
Then you deliver the final part of the comparison you make. It's good because it's short and it doesn't actually sound like a comparison.
Very metaphorical piece, each image you give shows a different side of friendship and the reflections that are brought about by the words and the first image, that of a wall.
Interesting approach, well written item. The only things that seemed to be missing are more consistent links between one paragraph and the other.
I picked out this poem as it was the first one that I found AND that I hadn't read and/or reviewed yet.
A lovely title, very short and expressive, just like the poem itself. That really works well.
Very strong opening line and the same strength is to be found in the repetition of:
"the color has gone" at the end.
Repetitions, in my opinion, are rarely good or effective. This is an example of a repetition that enhances the meaning. Like a sentence that you would repeat to yourself, some kind of echo of your inner truth.
The imagery you create is precise in most of the poem. It is easy to understand your state of mind.
My only objection would be to "brightens up" followed by "soon the light fades again". With these more common phrases, especially the secon part, you lose some of the personal voice of this poem.
I'm really glad I came across this blog. Until recently, I did not realize that there were so many people who suffered from fibromyalgia. Now I'm happy to see that some of them are speaking up. They are telling about this invisible and chronic illness that has been totally ignored for so long.
Your blog is full of simple, daily events that are useful to show how and when the different and unexpected symptoms hit. I can relate to many of these situations and feelings and I suppose that other readers who suffer from fibromyalgia will relate to this too.
This is a human experience that you share and a good educational item for all.
If your title is "Seize the day", then it should be "Carpe diem". "Carpe deum", as you wrote, would mean "Seize God".
This saying - by Horace - is about living each day without worrying too much about the future, because the future in uncertain. Therefore each moment counts. This phrase is used to remind us of our mortality and encourages us to live the present, enjoy our life, our time on earth.
Your poem is conceived as a list of suggestions for what you consider to be important in life. You say "do this, but don't forget that".
"Be a leader,
But know when to follow.
Speak up,
But don’t forget to listen."
These are commonly accepted concepts, althouh, I argree that they're not always followed.
"But don’t be afraid to ask your help."
In this phrase, I suppose you mean "ask for help".
I think that maybe you could work on this and extend it a little.
I hope you don't mind my comments.
This intriguing piece is very original. It is very dense too, so it isn't always easy to follow the progression of thoughts that are so personal (and the links between them are personal too).
But I like it; I like where you begin and where you take the reader in the end.
An interesting vision of humans: "they sit and complement each other on the size of their brains when compared to such vermin as the cockroach."
This is an essay followed by a poem that I read some time ago without reviewing it. I read it again today.
It's very interesting, thought-provoking and well crafted. Both the "essay" part and the poem are effective and complete each other.
I like the way you look at your children and reflect upon society in general.
However, there are a few things in the content that make me think and I know I have a different opinion on some.
You write: "Who are we kidding ?
Life, indeed is fair to the poor dear boys
For it is women, who want to pretend as men,
Wearing shapely pants and stylized shirts
Few men want to wear skirts and blouses.
Fewer want to stay home and cook and clean.
And fewest still, to get periods and pregnant."
I can hardly agree
- many boys are attracted to their mothers clothes and make-up at a very young age. Some simply explore, others are fascinated.
- If girls are attracted to behaving like boys, it is not because it is more interesting to be a man, but because they can feel it from an early age that all the activities and behaviors considered as feminine were also labeled as inferior. Why should anyone want to identify with something/someone inferior?
Isn't it the parents' function (and also the society's, for that matter) to present pregnancy as something to be proud of? Domestic chores, cooking, attending a sick child as activities that are at least as important as having a job, earning money or driving a car?
Yes, we can complain and think that it is all unfair. And it is important that people can chose to have a carreer if they want to. But we also have a duty towards our children. It consists of telling showing them that whatever was considered as feminine activity or value is far from being easy, ridiculous or useless. On the contrary, it is all incredibly precious.
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