I like the title of this poem and your item description that already point to the idea that war is destruction for all.
The poem itself is very descriptive, adjectives and verbs abound to depict the horror and blood, the tragic scene of human atrocities.
A rhyme pattern that you followed could or could not be there, in my opinion. It is not absolutely necessary to bring forth the message and to put a certain rhythm in your words.
The alliterations appear to have been very carefully chosen and have a beautiful, striking effect on this poem.
This piece begins giving the reader some information about the character, but for the first two stanzas, with the nice rhythm and flow, the reader is not expecting the "story" to become so violent.
There is a progression where we get to understand that this is a madman, but we don't know how far he can go.
Then we discover the disturbing nature and deeds.
I like the last stanza that shows how he returns to hide under the appearance of "normality".
You have totally deserved the award given to you for this piece.
I don't know "the Diaries of Lisa Lansing" and I think you have done a great job explaining in just a few words that this piece has a particular function in the diaries.
Your use of repetitions is great: it is very rare to find repetitions well used in poetry.
Here, you give new elements, different aspects of the girl's tragic reality, then use the repetition that cements all of these facets.
"I am lost; it is worse,
my mind moves fast across the universe."
"and wonder if I can abide this curse,
where my only escape is across the universe."
"a body that's me, in a dark hole of woe"
"The body that's me,
battered and beaten, struggling to breathe"
"Swollen and pale,
the body that's me is lifeless and frail."
These are just a few striking examples of your technique.
It is a dark piece, as a whole, but it also sounds so close to the character and compassionate. I couldn't stand a voyeuristic interpretation of a difficult topic such as this one.
I have to add that, from a psychological point of view,I like how you express the estrangement of her soul from her body which is the only way for a victim to survive the excruciating pain of abuse.
Thank you for making me laugh today. It was much needed.
I like your campaign, I even think I might have voted for you, but it looks like I prefer a "lying c***" for mayor. I hope you don't mind.
If I think about it more seriously for a minute (not more, I promise), I'd say that if candidates mentioned their neurotic qualities like your candidate, at least we would know who we are voting for.
Although knowing that someone's a #-+&@* never prevented them from being elected.
A poem that asks for change, criticizing the general immobility and easy routine that takes over our lives.
This is made clear in the first part and the poem is quite well worded.
There are so many facts that prove your point of view, that I think you could have made this point stronger.
And especially when you evoke change, the reader is expecting to know what dreadful things you would change in our world where injustice, violence, corruption and manipulation abound. Not only in the streets, but in the media, in the world of politics and finance.
Yet you only complain about the fact that:
"Youth and excitement are evil"
a little disappointing for such a good start.
Also, I would really advise you to find a more personal way of saying this:
"But I will break free of my chains"
the expression being so cliché, it has lost its original strength.
I hope that you don't mind my comments for a poem that has a strong beginning and could be improved.
I had to read this piece of poetry as I was very close to my grandmother. Unfortunately, she passed away after two difficult years of illness and depression, not wishing to live anymore.
I am deeply moved by the emotion in this poem and the passionate way in which you describe the strength and character of this person you loved (and still love).
There is such a beautiful energy in your writing, that I would make a few suggestions, if you don't mind. I feel that a few details might improve this piece.
"I didn't want to see her leave"
"she may have left this earth
but she left behind her suffering"
I have the impression that the repetition of "leave" adds nothing here. It would be better to use different verbs (part, say goodbye...) and maybe "at least she was freed or got free of her suffering".
And I would definitely put a period after the final sentence as well as after:
"her anguish is over, her pain is gone"
The statement is strong and a period is really needed there.
Thank you so much for sharing this emotional tribute with us and I hope you don't mind my comments.
I am really impressed by the truth in this poem. It is a universal topic, yet it is very much a portrait of the world we live in.
To me, every stanza seemed to be a different image of a world that can no longer listen to others and where the individual does not have the courage or the clairvoyance to speak his or her mind.
The following lines are so thought-provoking:
"You crave noise
to deny
the existence
of your own voice,
quivering
with hunger
to be hear"
There is some good imagery in this poem and its pessimistic conclusion sounds natural if the reader follows the dark feelings expressed throughout this piece.
I quite like the wording here, like in:
{c:Steel curtains guard every emotion.
Gates that may never be breached.
A head filled with endless commotion.
A blackened heart never within reach."
What I like less, but that's my personal opinion, is ending every line with a {i}period{/i}. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't, as the same idea seems to continue. For instance in:
"Moments drift into nothing.
And memories soon disappear ."
Also, there is one line that I don't really understand:
"An emptiness from which there is no end."
Should it be "for which"? And, I wonder, what is "the end of emptiness"? Is it the end of a feeling of emptiness we are talking about?
I'm simply sharing the questions that came to my mind while reading that particular line.
Overall, this is quite a good poem, in my opinion.
I know you're away, so you'll find my fourth review for you waiting in your mailbox!
This is an awarded poem and I tried to review different kinds of poems from your port until now. But I was really curious to see what your definition of "being a man" was.
Your voice is immediately recognizable, with a style that is ageless and a content full of wisdom.
There is a lesson given in this poem, which might scare off some of the younger readers, while most will appreciate the importance given to unselfishness.
As a woman, I quite enjoyed the following lines:
" The joy
of many a wife dies when she’s harried
by a husband who’s an eternal boy."
Isn't that true...
I hope that fathers really talk to their sons (and that their sons still lend an ear) about what really counts and the generosity that makes one human.
Beautifully written, well thought-out, this is one of those items that are somewhere between prose and poetry.
It is really pleasant to read and everyone can relate to the feelings and reflections you shared.
This is just my opinion, but I found the end to be more cliché than the first two paragraphs (or stanzas, but I don't think the word really applies here).
Lines such as: "Each day is what you make it."
"(...)no limits to what you can achieve."
could be even more effective if you found more personal words, unique ways to express such ideas.
My favorite line: "Scattered dreams over empty meadows I will gather and make my own."
I hope you don't mind my comments and also hope to read more of your work in the future.
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The idea behind your story is very intriguing. You explain this in your item description as:
"Are your earliest memories yours or are they created by stories of your childhood?"
But then I am not sure I understand the meaning of "stories" here.
Everything that is depicted, seen from the young child's point of view, is very good because it sounds credible; it is the way a four-year old would see and understand what goes on.
I do understand that in the last paragraph, this reality looks different; what happened during the night might have been a dream. Although many details make the reader think that it wasn't.
"a tear in her eye, a smile dancing on her lips."
The end doesn't tell the reader what really happened that night, so that the mystery is kept intact.
But then I wonder what you mean by "stories of your childhood". Dreams? The stories you have been later told by others? The way grown-ups may lie or hide the truth from children?
This is where this story, well thought-out and written, becomes a little too mysterious compared to the initial intent. Or at least this is the impression I was left with.
This is a good piece of writing, whether fictional or inspired by a real-life experience.
You use few words to set the atmosphere and it works:
" There is a hum of a box fan in the study window. It is midday. My mom
has discovered me playing with her makeup and garder stockings and white
high heeled shoes."
There is also something ageless about this item; it could have been written in the early 20th century.
As it is well written without being one of those boring "erotic" pieces that are a list of endless actions,
I think that you really need to correct the numerous typos and misspelled words in this piece, such as:
"fedish" (fetish)
"I fell out the her shoes"
"soul of her deck shoe" (sole)
Here's your third review. I have to say that I was wondering right from the start if this "viper" was another man or woman that can destroy the love and trust of a married or unmarried couple, or a more abstract concept or behavior.
I think you wrote this in a simple, way, easy to understand as far as the feelings are concerned. The question is universal.
"Its bite will bring pain, agony, and despair"
"One must live with anger, the other shame"
That's very clear.
Maybe I'm being picky, but in:
"(...)Many tears are wept
over adultery; at ruining lives it is most adept."
I don't know if "adept" is the appropriate term here. It seems to me that it's been used for the rhyme. I would rather use it with an animate subject (instead of an abstract noun). But it's just my personal impression.
It's good to read one of your items again. This looks like a story very much inspired by your own experience. (Or maybe totally inspired...).
I like your sense of concision and clairvoyance which make this story - and many other pieces of writing in your port - a source of reflection and inspiration for women.
"It has been a difficult year but not as stressful as the time we were together. He now owns 60% of the land I bought and a house of his own. I have my self-respect."
I chose this poem because I wrote a poem some time ago where the same phenomenon is used, although the story/purpose are slightly different (item:1191411}).
In this poem, you have expressed so much of your interest for the colors and textures, observing the sky as if it were a work of art. A changing, evolving painting.
In some parts, I feel that you have played with words and sounds more successfully than in others (although the whole poem is good):
"Sky-borne moisture condenses
to form water droplets or ice crystals
that aggregate, sometimes into
a wispy stream that flows rapidly
across the tall, blue background,
metamorphing as it goes,
shining white from the sun’s rays"
You are right, this is a strange story, with realistic details about a marriage mixing with symbolic and somewhat surrealistic descriptions.
I quite like the idea and your writing skills allow you to be daring in the choices you make.
Some very good lines:
"She hated being the only one in her bridge club whose children hadn’t moved back into their old rooms. Failing grades, vandalism, manslaughter. If there’s anything she’d learned from her bridge club, it was that these were her children’s tickets home."
This is a hyperbole of the way many mothers can't accept that their children have become independent.
"Maggie, her hunger sated, quickly made her way to the living room to feed her curiosity"
Excellent imagery and transition.
I think that the last sentence "Maggie indecision was over." should be "Maggie's".
-> The only part that I really find too long - the metaphor itself being good, but overexploited - is the whole paragraph on clams. I think that it would be much more effective if it were shorter.
I picked out this item from your port because the title attracted me... Dictatorship is a word that we might have to use more often in the future. Am I being too pessimistic?
What I can say about this poem is that I like the engagement and feel the energy that you put in it. And it works... at least it does for me.
Anyway, the message is clear and it's probably the first thing that counts in this kind of writing.
Greetings,
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